Writing Tales from the Archives [PG-14]

[Ellerby]

[center][color=#555555]The following is an OB fanfic. It revolves around many OtakuBoards members in a Fairy Tale setting. It's meant to be comical at some points and just [i]cool[/i] at other points. The graphic was made by Dragon Warrior.[/color][/center]
[right][color=#555555]-White[/color][/right]

[b][center][size=4]Tales from the OtakuBoards Archives[/size][/center][/b]
[center][img]http://img349.imageshack.us/img349/768/tales9vu.jpg[/img][/center]

[center][size=3]Chapter 1[/size][/center]
[font=trebuchet ms]*zip*

An arrow wizzed past Little White Walking Hood's face and hit the target. In fact, it split the arrow that was already on the target in two. It's a shame that the arrow which was split in two was on the white part of the board.

"Nice shot, Retri Hood." said White with a hint of sarcasm.

Retri Hood, who was dressed in green cloth, pulled another arrow from his quiver and set himself up for another shot. He pulled back the rope and smiled.

"This one's for you." he said, letting go of the fletching on the arrow. It flew past White's face again and hit the bullseye.

"Damnit! How come everytime I want my arrows to hit, they don't, and everytime I [i]don't[/i] want them to hit, they do?!"

White shrugged and pulled an apple out from underneath his brown vest. Ontop of that vest, he wore a white cape with a hood attached to it. He was also fairly short, hence where the Little in his name came from. The walking part however, came from his well-known laziness. If White was told to run, he'd probably just end up walking.

Before he could take a bite out of his apple, White's mother appeared at the entrance of the Archery Training Grounds.

"White, hunny! Please, could you do a little errand for me?"

White sighed and tossed his apple onto the ground. He walked towards his mother as Retri Hood continued to miss his target. He threw his white hood back, revealing his blonde hair and threw his head to the side.

"What's up, ma?"

"I need you to take this basket of goodies to your Grandmother. The poor women has grown lonely and I think your visit will be just the tonic she needs." With that, White's mother handed him the basket and turned on her heel, leaving. White turned his head towards Retri Hood and spoke.

"Can you help me with this task, pal? I may need some protection." Retri stopped shooting and gave White an odd look.

"Where the hell does your Granny live?"

"The other side of the world."

"I can't... I have a hot date tonight."

"Haha, of course you do."

"...coming."

[center]*insert neato time-passing symbol here*[/center]

A few hours later, two horses packed with supplies sat at the town gate. A few feet away, White and Retri Hood were just getting ready to leave. Retri looked longingly at the horses.

"I wish we had horses..."

"I wish we had supplies. Let's go."

The pair started on the path, walking towards the forest. The pear in the basket started rotting. Before the entrance of the forest, there was a river that had to be crossed. The only way across that river was to go over the bridge. A bridge that happened to be guarded by a buff guard whom was buffed with buffs... buff.

When Retri and White came up to the guard, he eyed them once and lifted his head, ignoring them. White tried to slide past, but the guard just strafed infront of him.

"What should we do?" Retri Hood whispered to White.

"We need to get past somehow."

"Good plan." White stroked his chin and smiled at Retri.

"You distract him while I sneak by." Retri nodded and waved his arms in the air. The guard looked at him inquisitively.

"Hey you! You with the ugly face!" he yelled. As soon as he said this however, the guards eyes welled up with tears and he covered his face, running away.

"I have feelings too you know!"

The two looked at eachother and shrugged, crossing the bridge.[/font]

[Dragon Warrior]

Well, well, all of us are bringing the OB stories back :) White, you sly hobbit, look at what you're writing. I better have a sexy role. I did, after all, make you the main character along side me in our western ;) Or did I?

Having said that, it's a good start. My advice is work with the dialogue more. Dialogue is gold to work with, especially if you use puns and play-on-words. Trust me on this. I do like how you're already doing it, though. Little White Walking Hood was a nice change to the actual name. Retribution is one slick archer ;) I await to see where this takes us.

[Revelation]

[size=1][color=#CD6619]Egads! A comedy not written by Dragon Warrior? *GASPS* What is this world coming to?! Oh wait...it's White! ^_^

It's a pretty good start. I agree with DW, comedy needs word play and whatnot. The key to your success [which is hidden behind door number 2.5] is Dialogue [along with fast cash, fast cars, and DW.][/size][/color]

[Retribution]

[size=1]I personally loved it. In part because I'm one of the characters in it, but the other part is that the jokes were just hilarious.

Sure, things (perhaps more description of what is going on) could've been a bit better, but I'm sure you'll pick up the hilarity/quality in the next chapter. Keep up the good work![/size]

[Ellerby]

[center][size=3]Chapter 2[/size]
[size=2]The Wooden Boy... with [i]atti[b]dude[/b][/i].[/size][/center]

[font=trebuchet ms]A few years ago, not far off from where our heroes are now, in a little house on the corner of a street lived a woodcarver named Gipetto. All day long, he would carve marionette's for puppeteer's across the city. One day, he carved a very special marionette. Dusting off some sawdust, he stood infront of the wooden boy proudly, admiring his work.

"I shall call you Jokopokonocchio." and with that, he went to bed.

A few moments later, a magical being appeared in the room where this marionette was sitting. She waved her wand and tapped him on the nose.

"I am granting you life, Jokopokonocchio. But this comes with a warning. Everytime you tell the [i]truth[/i], your nose will grow a tiny bit. You must lie to make it shrink again." she said. And she disappeared into a ball of sparkles.

...the little boy's eyes opened. He was alive and he wanted out of this dump.

---

"I'm hungry." whined White, rubbing his stomache.

"Me too." moaned Retri Hood.

"Yeah, same. :<" said Prince Charming. Oh yeah, did I mention that while we were talking about Jokopokonocchio, DW the Charming joined the party? It was quite something actually. Oh well, you missed it. It's your own fault.

It was just then that Retri tripped over something.

"Ow, watch where you're going!" yelled the victim of Retri's stinky foot. It was a wooden boy!

"Who are [i]you[/i]?" asked White, helping Retri up.

"Have you not heard of me? I am Joko the Giant Killer!"

"Joko the Giant Killer, huh?" said DW the Charming.

"Nope." replied the boy. White scratched his head.

"You just said you were!"

"No I didn't."

"You're a wooden boy, aren't you?" pondered Retri Hood, trying to think of the fairy tale this boy was from.

"No. I am Joko the Giant Killer." The four of them stopped and stared at eachother. White smiled deviously and spoke.

"WOODENBOYSAYSWHAT!"

"What?"

"Aha! You [i]are[/i] a wooden boy!" The three heroes grinned at eachother and gave out highfives. Jokopokonocchio frowned.

"I am not a wooden boy. I am not from the fairy tale of the Marionette that comes alive. My name is not Jokopokonocchio." he said helplessly. DW looked at him then whispered to the other two.

"I think he's trying to tell us something.." White nodded and picked up the basket of goods he had put down.

"Why don't you travel with us? We'll sort all this out later." Jokopokonocchio agreed and walked up with them. The new group of travelers cheered and walked on. Jokopokonocchio looked up at the others as they walked into the sunset.

"...do you guys have any food?"[/font]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[I]The pear in the basket started rotting.[/I]

XD all the food'll deteriorate by the time they get to granny's

Just the word 'Jokopokonocchio' made me laugh. It's fun to say... I keep saying it over and over again.

"Joko the giant killer" reminds me of the Robotech game... because you play as Jack and your enemies are 40-feet tall so he calls himself "Jack the giant killer"

Also, the part where DW enters is funny, but he needs more lines! Show more DW!

[Boo]

[quote name='Tical']Show more DW![/quote]

[size=1]Please don't.

Anyway, White. You're quite cool. The randomness doesn't get too overwhelming, the chapters are not too long so I actually read them, it keeps your attention the whole time, bla bla. In a nutshell: I think you're quite cool. I love how Joko can't tell the truth :3

So yeah, you bring it subtly enough and I don't think I have any criticism.

Oh, and I love how you spend little time on Gavin. :3[/size]

[Ellerby]

[center][size=3]Chapter 3[/size]
Invasion![/center]

[FONT=Trebuchet MS]"Hey guys?" asked DW, taking a bite into his sandwhich. The group had stopped for a quick picnic since Jokopokonocchio was hungry.

"Yes, DW?" replied White, reaching for the mustard.

"I just realized that if there was a witch that lived on the beach, and you killed her and ate her... you could say that you ate a Sand-Witch but nobody would ever know that you ate an actual person."

Everyone stopped eating. Retri Hood and White stared blankly at DW and Joko blinked inquisitively at his sandwhich.

"I should shoot you for that. I really should." said Retri.

"Just something to think about." DW remarked, finishing his sandwhich. Suddenly, the ground started rumbling. Young boys cheering could be heard in the distance. Jokopokonocchio started packing up his stuff as quickly as possible. The others looked at him with an odd look.

Jokopokonocchio glanced at them. "Pack up. It's the Lost Noobs." The three companions looked at eachother and started to laugh but stopped when they realized Jokopokonocchio's nose had grown an inch. He was telling the truth.

"I've heard of them," said White, gulping. "They're a specific group of noobs led by Kuja Pan whose grammar and spelling never gets better. They often go around flaming unsuspecting villages."

Retri Hood shrugged it off. "I could kill them with my arrows."

White shook his head. "That won't do you any good. They're protected by Spam Dust. Any attacks against them are reflected. We'll need to find an old, intimidating member. Someone who has been around a while and can scare them away with knowledge."

DW grinned and stood up. "I can do that."

"DW you're facing a tree. We're over here." said Retri. Joko whispered to White.

"[i]Are you sure he represents Prince Charming. I swear he's one of the three blind mice.[/i]" White chuckled and shrugged. He dipped his hand into the food basket and felt around. He took out a gingerbread man. It had a note attached but he just tossed it away, eating it. He bit off the leg and stopped.

"Retri... could you please read that note?"

Retri nodded and took the note.

[center]"Dearest White,
In this food basket I have included a Gingerbread Man. He was made with special magic dust and laxitives. He is wise beyond all reason and can help guide you to Granny's. If anyone ever tries to eat him, they'll just start pooping. Hope he helps.

Love, Mom."[/center]

White's eyes widened and he dashed to the bushes. The Gingerbread Man on the ground spoke up.

"Gavin the Gingerbread Man is the name. I hear you need help warding off some Lost Noobs? I can help with that."[/FONT]

[Kitty]

[SIZE=1]Gavin's made of laxitives, eh? Weeeeeeeeeeird...

Anyway, love the story so far. *nodnod* And I agree with Tical. "Jokopokonocchio" has got to be the best name ever.[/SIZE]

[Revelation]

[size=1][color=#CD6619]It's the bombardment of the Lost N00bs! Everyone, run for your lives!

Heh. It's quite funny how you collaborated various tales together and created one story, very clever if I should say so myself and in fact, I am saying it myself XP.[/size][/color]

[2010DigitalBoy]

A Gavin of laxitives? Interesting, Most Interesting.

Y'know... I'm sorry to say that I pretty much don't like your story. Namely because it's not that funny, and it's not that origional. Plus your chapters are too short... they take like 1 minute to read and are un-memorable.

I'll keep reading though, in case it gets better.

[Ellerby]

[color=#555555][FONT=Tahoma][QUOTE=Tical]A Gavin of laxitives? Interesting, Most Interesting.

Y'know... I'm sorry to say that I pretty much don't like your story. Namely because it's not that funny, and it's not that origional. Plus your chapters are too short... they take like 1 minute to read and are un-memorable.

I'll keep reading though, in case it gets better.[/QUOTE]
Just because it's a story doesn't mean the chapters have to be long.

Oh well. I won't be writing many more chapters. Nobody seems to really enjoy them, and if nobody likes them then what's the point of continuing? So, I expect there will be about 5 chapters in total.

Oh and Tical, I'd like it if you didn't act like a hypocrit when posting about my story. :)

[quote name='Tical']Just the word 'Jokopokonocchio' made me laugh. It's fun to say... I keep saying it over and over again.[/quote]
I thought you said it was unmemorable? :nono:[/FONT][/COLOR]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[QUOTE=White][color=#555555][FONT=Tahoma]
Just because it's a story doesn't mean the chapters have to be long.

Oh well. I won't be writing many more chapters. Nobody seems to really enjoy them, and if nobody likes them then what's the point of continuing? So, I expect there will be about 5 chapters in total.

Oh and Tical, I'd like it if you didn't act like a hypocrit when posting about my story. :)


I thought you said it was unmemorable? :nono:[/FONT][/COLOR][/QUOTE]

>_> for a minute, yes, it was fun to say. What I mean by unmemorable is that you're not really breakin out the great quotes or great scenes. For instance, with the western-style story starring you and D_W, I can remember all the scenes and alot of the jokes cuz they stood out among other jokes.

I'm not really saying your story iis [I]bad[/I] just mundane. Just kick it up a knotch, throw in some zest.

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1]Interesting, most interesting.

I must admit I was wondering who the Gingerbread Man was going to be, given the intro banner makes the GM look like someone who just drank enough caffeine to kill their ability to sleep permanently. On the plus side I seem to cause great physical discomfort to anyone who tries to eat me, as well as being very wise and intimidating, although being made of magic laxatives is somewhat alarming.

A good parody series, I'm looking forward to the next chapter.[/SIZE]

[Ellerby]

[size=3][center]Chapter 4[/size]
[/center]

[font=trebuchet ms]Meanwhile, on the other side of the world...

"Fetch me a sandwhich!" growled The Big Bad Boss. He was a large humanoid wolf that stood on two feet. His fur was brown and the only clothing he wore was a red pair of overalls and a blue top hat (a fashion fiasco).

"Ye- yessir." gulped one of his minions. Boss clutched his hands around the glass goblet beside him and sipped some milk from it. Licking his lips, he waited impatiently for the FSF (Food Special Forces, for some reason The Big Bad Boss found pleasure in naming normal things all cool-like) to return with his sandwhich.

What the FSF leader came back with was not a sandwhich at all. It was, in fact, a sand witch. The Boss slapped the plate down on the floor, shattering it into pieces (and shattering the FSF leader's heart ;__;).

"That's a freaking Sand Witch you idiot! Seriously, you guys put the 'Special' in Special Forces." The Boss tapped his chin. "What's the news on the troopers I sent out to kill Little White Walking Hood?"

Another minion of The Boss', a porkish yellow bear with a red shirt spoke up. "Oh bother. I do believe they died trying to get to him."

"...sonuva." The Boss' teeth glistened as he suddenly grinned at his chubby friend. "Hmm.. if I give you some artillery, would you go kill him for me, Winnie the Boo?"

Winnie the Boo stood up and saluted his leader. "Of course!"

"Very well then. Guards! Take Boo Bear to the artillery room and let him take whichever weapons he chooses..."

[color=#555555][CENTER]-----------------------------Back to the heroes!-----------------------------[/CENTER][/COLOR]

"NO!"

What?

"I don't want to go back to the heroes."

Who the Gavynn are you?

"The other narrator."

What other narrator?

"Ermm... your mother!"

Wait, you're no narrator... That means as soon as you speak, I can put any actions afterwards!

"Huh?" said the hairy beast, picking his nose. He flicked his booger across the room and ran away, never to return. Now, back to our heroes.

[color=#555555][CENTER]-----------------------------Back to the heroes!-----------------------------[/CENTER][/COLOR]

Gavin had drawn a map out in the dirt with a stick. He had entrances labeled, a compass in the corner and even a sun with sunglasses at the very top. He was drawing a battleplan for the other four heroes. For the Lost Noobs would be getting to them at any moment.

"All right, so basically the only thing we'll need to beat them is that crystal I mentioned earlier." explained Gavin.

"The one with powers beyond imagination that the evil darklord Big Bad Boss is trying to get his hands on to take over the world as we know it?" asked White.

"That's the one."

"Coo."

DW gave White an odd look. "Did... did you just coo?"

White looked a DW with an eyebrow raised. "What? No no, that's ghetto talk, ya hear? Like, how people from the concrete jungle were raised, brudda. They got the angry skills, cawt."

"Cawt? That doesn't even wor--" before DW could finish his sentence, a flaming spear pierced the ground inbetween them.

"Crap! They're flaming us. We better get a move on for that crystal."

"Oh the crystal is right here." said Gavin. Retri Hood dipped his head down towards the breaded man and poked him in the belly.

"Why didn'--"

"Hoo hoo!" yelped Gavin, interupting Retri.

Retri poked Gavin again, getting the same "Hoo hoo!" response.

"You're not the freaking pilsbury dough boy. Cut the lame act. Now where is the crystal?"

Gavin pointed at the picnic basket, indicating where it was. White opened the lid and a strange white light shone out. He put his hand in the brown case and pulled out a bright white crystal, glowing an immense white light.

"I wonder why I didn't notice that before."

Suddenly, the group was confronted by a man dressed in black. He had weird markings all over his face and was surrounded by the Lost Noobs. Definitely the leader.

"Gavin! How do we use the crystal?!" yelped Jokopokonocchio. Gavin looked at him as if her were an idiot.

"How the hell am I supposed to know?" he said letting the others down. White, still in a small state of panic, shrugged and chucked the crystal at the Lost Noobs leader, knocking him out cold. The Lost Noobs, seeing their leader fall, quickly screamed in horror and ran away.[/FONT]

[2010DigitalBoy]

I liked this chapter a lot more, especially the part with the narrator confusion XD The 'sand which' was good as well, and how the crystal was right there in the basket. The 'coo' part was very reminiscent of another OB parody...

[Dragon Warrior]

[quote name='Tical']The 'coo' part was very reminiscent of another OB parody...[/quote]

Yeah, but he said it was a tribute to me and he somewhat changed it anyways, so it's cool :) Or should I say it's coo'?

Anyways, I liked that chapter too. Despite the fact I'm hardly in it ( :mad: ), it had a lot better jokes and somewhat random, slapstick humor.

[quote name='Tales From The Archives']The Boss slapped the plate down on the floor, shattering it into pieces (and shattering the FSF leader's heart ;__; ).[/quote]

Stuff like "and shattering the FSF leader's heart ;__;" is what I mean. That and, "Seriously, you guys put the 'Special' in Special Forces," are those little jokes that seem right out of a TV show/movie, particularly sitcoms or the like. Keep those kind of jokes coming at a balanced rate and this'll turn out nicely :^D

[Boo]

[size=1]Wow, I actually laughed out loud while reading this chapter, which I never do. XD

The random humor was hilarious (like the ;___; which I adore) also towards the ending when he first finds the crystal in the basket all of a sudden and then knocks the guy out cold with it. The part in the middle was a bit odd, but definately not too odd to be cool. :P

And well, it's the best chapter so far. That Winnie the Boo guy seems like the best character ever put in a story. [b]Ever.[/b] [/size]