Writing The dumb, the stupid and the just plain retarted [M-StrongVL. Some S]

[Aberinkula]

The Dumb, the Stupid, and the Just Plain Retarted. [M-VLS]

This is rated M-VLS for lots of swearing violance and maybe some sexuall material.
It is a comedy. Not real life Mature people only.





2 people are having a standoff. Runescape style. Then out of the blue they get an e-mail. From an old friend.

Dear dudes,

Whats up? I'll meet you two at the otakuboards.

From-
Your beotch. Kyle.

Well lets go meet this beotch on the OB.

Goerge his names Kyle.

Well I knew that.


Animelord650: Hey Kyle. It's been years.

Hellman's_own_anime_show: See Naruto lately?

Animelord650: Ya good show but what do you want.

Hellman's_own_anime_show: I want to make a comedy movie. The dumb, the stupid, and the just plane retarted.

Animelord650: How the fuck ya gonna make that.

Hellman's_own_anime_show: I don't know cameras tinsle and a man that can grow excesivly and reach 50 feet.I can't believe you didn't know dumbass

Animelord650: I know someone meet me at the bridge in NYC I'll bring him.

123Kakashi: Hey guys. Guess what? I became a dentist.

Hellman's_own_anime_show: Burn in hell man.

123kakashi: Just kidding. But I heard about the movie.

Jokopoco: I'm closing your thread. You are also getting banned. This is the 100th time I've warned you. Literaly. And plus this is the arena underground.

Crud! Yelled Kyle. See you at the bridge. Hey why were we talking on otakuboards anyway. This is a public library. That was a dumb thing to do. But see you.

2 hours later.

Kyle it's you. Said Goarge. This is my friend. Apache chief.

Well you've outdone yourself. Replied Kyle. I need him to put up something for a scene I'm workig on. Come to the house.

So off they went skipping throught the woods with their red baskets. Oh crap wrong story. They were strolling through the slums in Bronx. They finnaly reached Kyle's house. Inside was a room filled with props, and movie scripts.

Oh no those fish are going to hit those rocks. Damn!? I'm sorry I didn't mean to shave your fathers back. This is not funny at all. Said Goerge.

Oh shut up. Replied Kyle. Hey apache chief put this balcony up there.

Yes I will. Apache chief grow. Well that was grand and all. I'm going to a casino to gamble. Apache chief stormed off. Leaving a trail of buildings falling behind him.

Well Kyle you ruined my day. Yelled Goarge. I'm leaving.

Suddenly maniacle laughter was booming from a near bye taxi.

I got you! This is fun park money! Muahaha! The man said as he got out of the cab. Well anyways I'm the all powerful Hentai!!!

What's your name! Yelled Kyle at the top of his lungs.

Master your name's Shentay. Said Shentay's evil servant. Hentai is anime dipictions of por-

No it's not. Its a tie with hens on it. Said Shentay.

CUTT!!!!!Yelled Kyle. That was half-ass perfect. 4 fricken stars oughta 5.

So this was a movie scene? Asked Goerge.

Yup! and a good one at that. Replied Kyle.

CRACKHEADED F ER!!!!! Yelled Goerge as he puched the hell oughta Kyle. Damn you I thought he was an evil deranged maniak.

Hey don't talk about Kio that way Goerge. Said Kyle.

Hey Goerge. Haven't seen you sice the library. Replied Kio.

Great Kio say the new spell!

Fuck off shorty!!! Yelled Kio.

Well we have a new scene tommorow. this time it's fast food meats final fantasy. Said Kyle, As the 3 walked through the sunlight.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Hope you like it. Post what you think.

[2010DigitalBoy]

This is not dumb, stupid, or just plain retarded. It also isn't funny, interesting, or even readable. It was so mind-numbingly[I] pleh[/I] that I had to stab myself in the head, drain all the blood from my skull, and remove my brain to be able to pay enough attention that I could read one paragraph of this. Even without my brain [I]I still got bored[/I].

Here's 400 [COLOR=DarkSlateBlue]OtakuBucks[/COLOR]. Go buy some writing lessons.

[Anakoni Stark]

this is compeletely the opposite of the tagline title.

I desipise it, so much that I have to gouge off my eyes, and rise them in alcohol, in order to read the first paragraph.

which was missing. I mean, there is absolutely no organisation whatsoever.

wait, actually, I just contradicted myself.
it lives up to its title.
the grammer needs [B][SIZE=3] MASSIVE[/B][/SIZE] tweakage.

dude, here's 100 OtakuPounds...go spend it on a writing handbook.

- Leon Fury.

[DeathKnight]

[quote name='Ålpha-Æpsilon']It is a comedy.[/quote]

[color=crimson]... to the dumb, the stupid and the just plain retarded, right?[/color]

[quote name='Ålpha-Æpsilon']Post what you think.[/quote]

[color=crimson]Hey lets get a doughnut said Jim

A doughnut! You bastrd you know im allergic to doughnuts I was about to punch Jim in the face.

But after reading this guys story I got the munchies biotch Jim said. he was walking quickly towards the doughnut shop. could I catch him I wondered but I am allergic to doughnuts I will die!

After reading this guys story I had the munchies too!! But I cant eat doughnuts I frowned. Could I have a burger instad? YES!!!!! a burger would do lets go to mcdonalds for some munchies

Leaving jim to his doughnut heaven I approached mcdonalds and thought of the story I had just read

It was pretty bad poorly written and lacking a flow to it but it made me damn hungry!!! I walked in and looked at the cashier she was so hott may I take your order she said

Yes Id like a burger please

Okay that will be 2 otakubucks. I handed her the money and got my burger and sat down and ate it

That was such a tasty burger[/color]

[Charles]

Take this as a backhanded compliment.

Never before have I seen a title so suited to the story it represents.

[Retribution]

[size=1]Although you should say what you think about the story, you should also say it with the intent of helping out the author. Most of these comments are just bitingly sarcastic and mean-spirited. You may hate the story, but at least be civil in your critique.[/size]

[Charles]

[quote name='Retribution][size=1']Although you should say what you think about the story, you should also say it with the intent of helping out the author. Most of these comments are just bitingly sarcastic and mean-spirited. You may hate the story, but at least be civil in your critique.[/size][/quote]

I agree with you to a large extent (a lot of these replies are [b]harsh[/b], but when the author entitles their story "The Dumb, the Stupid, and the Just Plain Retarted" (misspelled) and puts little effort into the writing whatsoever --viewing the writer as someone who is interested in seriously improving their writing becomes difficult.

The insensitive use of "retarded" especially screams " flame bait." If that word alone wasn't included, I'm sure a lot of this backlash wouldn't be apparent. But, that title is also indicative of his attitude. He is insulting his own work before anyone gets the chance to. He is calling the story "dumb" and stupid." Notice that he didn't entitle it "The crazy, the funny, the outlandish tales of OtakuBoards." With the way this guy presented himself and his writing, it seems like you're just looking at this with the mod goggles on and rushing to his defense instead of noticing the critical error of his entire approach. He's essentially saying "Hey, here is some spam that makes absolutely no sense and I hate it myself!" People aren't going to rush in here and help him improve with that in mind.

If you really want to be liberal though, I will offer some advice to this budding author.

Rectify the issues that I mentioned above. Be more sensitive with your language and do not include swearing just for the sake of having it in there. See my reply to Otaku Fiction for a more elaborate response.

If you're presenting comedy, you still have to respect your own story or no one else will. As it stands, I don't even know if this is supposed to be comedy. This story could just as easily fall under the category of nonsense. Organize your thoughts before putting them down into a story. Make sure that your jokes work together to form a coherent piece.

Try to avoid OtakuBoards jokes.

PROOF READ and work on your English.

If you actually want to salvage this mess, let me know and we'll work through it.

[Aberinkula]

Guess I'm better at fantasy. I have a book. Just have to find it. If I do I'll let you see it. Comedy isn't my thing. I'm better funny without the writing. Three headed people talk like this, like this, like this. I'm better as a standup. Not an author of comedy.

[John]

[QUOTE=Tical Blue]This is not dumb, stupid, or just plain retarded. It also isn't funny, interesting, or even readable. It was so mind-numbingly[i] pleh[/i] that I had to stab myself in the head, drain all the blood from my skull, and remove my brain to be able to pay enough attention that I could read one paragraph of this. Even without my brain [i]I still got bored[/i].

Here's 400 [color=DarkSlateBlue]OtakuBucks[/color]. Go buy some writing lessons.[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=Whitey]this is compeletely the opposite of the tagline title.

I desipise it, so much that I have to gouge off my eyes, and rise them in alcohol, in order to read the first paragraph.

which was missing. I mean, there is absolutely no organisation whatsoever.

wait, actually, I just contradicted myself.
it lives up to its title.
the grammer needs [b][size=3] MASSIVE[/size][/b] tweakage.

dude, here's 100 OtakuPounds...go spend it on a writing handbook.

- Leon Fury.[/QUOTE] ...Said the pot to the fucking kettle?

[Aberinkula]

My grammar does suck. It has more mistakes than Tical Blue has account changes. (His avatars banners and his other stuff.) Sorry Tical Blue just needed something to compare.
The name of the story is pointed at the three charecters. It is no way insulting this story.

Now that thats cleared People can reast in peace. I do have another story with another forums. maybe that could show my writing critiqe.

[Charles]

Your writing is fine in your posts, man. Just take your time when you write a story and read it aloud to make sure it sounds right. You'll be fine.

[Revelation]

[color=#1874CD]My goodness, I?ve only been gone for four days and already people have forgotten their manners! I?m completely taken aback by what people have written here, not because they?re saying something with ?honesty? but because of the way it?s written. If you wanted to be honest, at least be gracious! I mean, didn?t your elders teach you any manners? You don?t just tell people ?You SUCK!? and not give them a proper reason or even for that matter just say ?YOU SUCK!?

Sure enough, Split Keyblader?s story isn?t the best but there are other ways to criticize someone?s work without having to flame them! I mean, goodness gracious, as the moderator of the OB Anthology, I am appalled that people have what [B][URL=http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=48241]Constructive Criticism[/B][/URL] is and also just appalled at the way people?s acted here. Just because the entirety of this story isn?t ?up to par? with other stories that others have read doesn?t mean anyone has the right to destroy the author and what they?ve written, regardless of [i]anything[/i].

Like Retribution said, ?You may hate the story, but at least be civil?? since the majority of the people here?s forgotten what criticism?s all about, I am telling you to read the sticky before posting as of now! If you've already read the CC sticky, READ IT AGAIN; if you've yet to read it, READ IT! I won?t stand for anymore of these posts that I?ve seen.[/color]

[Aberinkula]

[QUOTE=Revelation][color=#1874CD]My goodness, I?ve only been gone for four days and already people have forgotten their manners! I?m completely taken aback by what people have written here, not because they?re saying something with ?honesty? but because of the way it?s written. If you wanted to be honest, at least be gracious! I mean, didn?t your elders teach you any manners? You don?t just tell people ?You SUCK!? and not give them a proper reason or even for that matter just say ?YOU SUCK!?

Sure enough, Split Keyblader?s story isn?t the best but there are other ways to criticize someone?s work without having to flame them! I mean, goodness gracious, as the moderator of the OB Anthology, I am appalled that people have what [B][URL=http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=48241]Constructive Criticism[/B][/URL] is and also just appalled at the way people?s acted here. Just because the entirety of this story isn?t ?up to par? with other stories that others have read doesn?t mean anyone has the right to destroy the author and what they?ve written, regardless of [i]anything[/i].

Like Retribution said, ?You may hate the story, but at least be civil?? since the majority of the people here?s forgotten what criticism?s all about, I am telling you to read the sticky before posting as of now! If you've already read the CC sticky, READ IT AGAIN; if you've yet to read it, READ IT! I won?t stand for anymore of these posts that I?ve seen.[/color][/QUOTE]

Thank you Revelation. What you said is all true. people saying that they had to gore their eyes out is kind of rude. Some of these guys even said they couldn't read the first paragraph. Who said it was all horrible. Just read it THEN criticize it. If you would like to see my better writting just go the story of dark blade a little farther down. See if that's good.