Writing The End of Nifty-ness: Mystery of the Mystic Modrod [T-LV]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[center][IMG]http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b269/MetalSonic700/teonaobf.jpg[/IMG][/center]

[color=darkslateblue]Chapter 1:[/color]

It was a dark and stormy night. Not a rainy storm, but you know those one?s where it?s like all cloudy and there?s lightening but the rain never shows up? Then you?re, like, disappointed cause you already brought in the bikes and stuff? Anyway, it was one of those. A fierce bolt of electricity cracked down on the local power generator and the lights went out all across Otaku Town. Members caught in mid-post were infuriated and others were scared. Everyone began migrating to the Suggestions and Feedback building with their complaints and questions

[B]?Everything is going to be fine. There seems to be some sort of virus.? [/B] James said, talking through a microphone onstage to the large group of members. Today had been one of the largest turnouts in years, and over 50 members were gathered today. Questions from newer members bombarded the stage.

[B]?What?s going to happen??
?What is the cause of this??
?What?re you going to do??[/B]
The older members remained silent, holding in their faith of the system. Otaku Town had seen far worse than a meager thunderstorm.

In the back of the auditorium stood Tical against the wall. No one important on his buddy list was here today, so he decided to hang back, finding no place for himself amongst the newbies or the vets. Knowing that the moderators were investigating the problem as he thought, he wasn?t very concerned. Just from looking at the Who?s Online list and looking around, he could see that not everyone had even left the threads. He wondered if he should?ve stayed with his post, but he was only midway through the third sentence anyway.

--Meanwhile--

[B]?Everything?s fine in Adventure Square,?[/B] Arcadia radioed to her fellow mods, a bit tired after searching every thread in the area for problems.

[B]?Nothing in the Lounge either,? [/B] replied Indifference.

[B]?Oh my god I?ve found something!?[/B] Desbreko cried over his radio.

[B]?Where are you??
?I?m on my way!?[/B]

[B]?Oh, no don?t worry I?m just messing with you XD? [/B] he replied. [B]?I don?t think we should take this so seriously. It looks like there?s been no real effects except for the power outage.?[/B]

[B]?This is strange. Maybe the virus hasn?t taken full effect yet,? [/B] Arcadia radioed in return.

[B]?Relax, it?s probably just some kid thinking he can screw with us. He?s going down.? [/B] But Desbreko couldn?t have been more wrong. Suddenly he was hit with an enormous blast! Not like the kind that wipes out a whole lot of stuff, but you know like the torso-sized ones. Maybe? I dunno? 3 feet in diameter. Desbreko was sent barreling down the street. He held to a gushing wound on his stomach with one hand, the other grasping tightly to his blue modrod.

[B]?Des?! Des can you hear me?!? [/B] One of the other mods cried over the radio. But it was too late. The last thing Desbreko saw was a strange glowing modrod with red-and-white stripes as it was held above the wielder?s head. In a flash of light, Desbreko was banned.

-- Back at the Suggestions and Feedback building --

Rain began to poor down heavily outside, and several members could be heard complaining that they left their bicycles out.

[B]?Didn?t you think to bring them in when you saw lightening??[/B] Tical asked one of the members.

[B]?But the narrator said it would be one of those weird rainless storms!?[/B] He then turned to me, along with several other members. I backed away slowly and then broke into a sprint.

[B]?I?ll get you for this, jackass! You?re paying for my bike!? [/B] The angry member cornered me at the door. It was raining so I didn?t know what to do. Thinking quickly, I ended chapter 1.

EDIT: I forgot the rating!!! its t-LV!!! Also, WTH happened to my graphic O_o

[JJ]

[Font=Arial]Yeah, Tical...to be quite honest, you have no real grasp on how to write an OB parody.

First off, your intro paragraph reads as if a valley girl from California was reading it. I'm sorry, but very few people find that funny, much less entertaining.

Your sentance structure seems a bit off as well.

[Quote] Today had been one of the largest turnouts in years, and over 50 members were gathered today.[/quote]

This being one example. A better way to say it would be, "With over 50 members in attendance today, it was one of the largest turnouts in years."

Another thing that got me was your sudden change to a first person narrative in the very end. You really can't do that. It may be that you did it not noticing, but that's one of the things you've got to look out for.

All in all, you write as if you were talking, which you really can't do. It's OK to a certain extent when characters are speaking, but doing it as a description is really unattractive.

I'll keep watching this story, only to see if things get better. The whole mysterious banner was really so Otaku Hollow, but here's to seeing you pull off something good.[/font]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[QUOTE=JJ][Font=Arial]Yeah, Tical...to be quite honest, you have no real grasp on how to write an OB parody.

First off, your intro paragraph reads as if a valley girl from California was reading it. I'm sorry, but very few people find that funny, much less entertaining.

Your sentance structure seems a bit off as well.



This being one example. A better way to say it would be, "With over 50 members in attendance today, it was one of the largest turnouts in years."

Another thing that got me was your sudden change to a first person narrative in the very end. You really can't do that. It may be that you did it not noticing, but that's one of the things you've got to look out for.

All in all, you write as if you were talking, which you really can't do. It's OK to a certain extent when characters are speaking, but doing it as a description is really unattractive.

I'll keep watching this story, only to see if things get better. The whole mysterious banner was really so Otaku Hollow, but here's to seeing you pull off something good.[/font][/QUOTE]

Well I dont blame you for not liking it. I had nothing better to do, and I needed to blow some time. I wrote it in like 10 minutes... not really expecting much >_>

Anywho the switch is because the marrator was speaking, if you didn't notice.