Dragon Warrior Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 [center][img]http://img132.imageshack.us/img132/3327/devious1wv.jpg[/img] The following is a dark comedy about a man who must travel deep into the dark reaches of hell (or some kingdom, I dunno) to fight evil (such as vampires, werewolves, zombies, and little girls with cute little outfits). [URL=http://img153.imageshack.us/img153/9956/locke1hn.jpg]CLICK HERE[/URL] to see this brave manly man. Then read on... if you dare...[/center] [size=5][b]Episode One: Locke & The Sword of Whatever[/b][/size] [size=2]?Oh, hello. Didn?t see you come in,? said an old man by a campfire. ?Well, I guess you didn?t really come in. But sit down anyways and I?ll tell you a story. I mean it, sit down or else. Ahem? the tale you?re about to hear is something of great fortune. A magic lamp. Yes, curious, are we? Well, you see?? ?You there! Old man!? ?Hm?? the old man looked up. ?Stop that storytelling or you?ll pay,? said a man on a horse. ?Pay what? Is there a tax on storytelling too? Hahaha.? ?Yes.? ?Oh.? ?Now move along. The Great Techno-colored Sage is coming and we must have the streets cleared.? The man on his horse began walking away while the old merchant sneered. ?Yeah, whatever.? Suddenly a deranged purple kitten the size of a horse carriage landed on the old man. Everyone around stared in horror as it breathed fire on their homes and got cat hair in their noses. ?AHHH! MY ALLERGIES!? It was truly a horrible sight. Then it purred. ?Awww,? the peasants said. ?Now that?s just precious,? one spoke. Then the cat ate him alive and the horror proceeded once more. A man (we think it?s a man anyway) in a large flowing rainbow cloak appeared on the cat?s back between its cute little wings. He petted the cat on the back of the neck ?til its eyes closed. It meowed, purred, and crawled up for a nap on the merchant?s corpse. The man(?) in the cloak jumped down and started his way down the road. ?It?s the Great Techno-colored Sage!? shouted a talking bear, who ran into the castle to inform The King. Shortly after, the Sage followed through the large open gates. Soldiers removed their helmets, for they knew this Sage had traveled from afar to be here. They wanted to make a good impression. That and the Sage had chicken nuggets. Maybe he?d give some away? The King had fallen ill as of late and could barely walk to his throne to greet the Sage. He was pale as a sheet and wore his Barney pajamas. The soldiers around knew that meant he was sick. The Sage entered the throne room and approached the large chair at the end of the carpet. Two soldiers accompanied the man in the rainbow cloak as they came to the King. There, their majesty sat upon a velvet cushion, slouching from exhaustion. ?The King must be sick,? whispered a guard as he pointed to the Barney-laden apparel. ?The Great Techno-colored Sage, sir,? said the talking bear. Then he flew out a window never to be seen again. ?The Sage,? the King spoke wearily. ?Finally. What took you so long?? ?I had drugs to deal,? the man in the rainbow cloak spoke. ?Sage has gotsta get paid, son.? ?Word,? the king said. ?Do you have it?? ?Does a bear shit in the woods?? Everyone stared at the Sage questionably. He stood uneasy for a moment, shifting his weight as the gazes grew awkward. ?Yes, I have it.? ?Good,? the King said, carefully getting down from his throne. ?Show us.? The Sage unraveled a cloth and revealed a ball that was hidden within the garment. It flashed red, then blue, then turned completely black before repeating the pattern once more. ?That?s bitchin?,? said one guard. Now everyone stared questionably at him. ?This orb,? continued the Sage, ?will give you what you desire, m?lord.? ?Good,? the King said. ?I need some laxatives.? ?No,? the Sage grunted. ?The summoned hero?? ?Oh yes, he?s important too,? the King muttered, holding his stomach. ?Ooo?? The Sage placed the orb down and allowed the magic to take its course. Fire swirled inside and an eye formed, staring deep within everyone?s souls in the room. ?Sauron?? the Sage peered closely. ?My mistake. Wrong orb.? He quickly switched the orbs and allowed the magic of the new sphere to take its course. The torches flickered, the room flashed, and the orb became a disco ball as groovy 70?s classics played. Then the Sage began his incantation. ?I am summoning the greatest of heroes? preferably a Clint Eastwood Dirty Harry rip-off? I am also summoning the most powerful sword known to man and? umm? not man? bring these two items to me right now!? The 70?s music stopped and the room began to change techno-colors, just like the Sage?s robes. The soldiers began to cower with each other like wimps and even the King sucked his thumb in fear, gripping his blankey tightly. Only the Sage stayed focused. There was great special effects handled by THX, then? nothing. Everything was calm for the longest time, then, just when everyone thought nothing would happen, nothing happened. ?What the hey?? the King exclaimed. ?I got my blankey out for nothing?? ?Your blankey, sir?? said a guard. ?Shut up,? the king grumbled, then sucked his thumb. ?Have no fear, sire,? said the Sage. ?My magic is not through.? ?Yeah, yeah, get on with it,? the King pouted. Suddenly, another explosion came and standing before everyone was a tall, hairy, muscular, manly man. ?That?s bitchin?,? said a guard again. ?Did someone say ?annihilate??? spoke the stranger. ?Umm? no,? the King said. ?Oh.? There was an awkward silence. The Sage decided to interrupt. ?Oh, great summoned hero. You are here to save us!? The Sage looked around queerly. ?But where?s the magical sword?? ?I don?t know, but I can?t feel my hand,? the hero said. He lifted up his arm and chopped off a guard?s head. Everyone screamed. ?Good thing I keep those fake guard dolls around,? the King said. ?What in the name of Cerberus? testicles happened to my hand?!? the hero exclaimed. The Sage pondered for a moment. ?When I summoned you at the same time as the sword, it must?ve morphed with you.? ?But my hand, man!? He stared at the sword that was now his new appendage. ?Hey, just be thankful it didn?t replace something else!? the Sage argued. Everyone agreed and looked downward. ?Well, now that you?ve royally screwed me over, what do I have to do here in this wasteland of? uhh? waste.? ?You must plunge the Sword of Power into the Skeleton King?s heart to rid the land of-? ?Wait,? the hero interrupted. ?What did you call it? The Sword of Power? What kind of gay-ass fairy name is that?? ?Umm? I dunno,? the Sage grumbled. ?Why doesn?t it have a cool name like Ragnarok or Masamune or The Sword of Badassness?? ?It?s latched to your arm! You name it.? ?No, I?m good.? ?Ugh.? The Sage continued. ?Plunge the Sword of Whatever into the Skeleton King?s heart and we?ll be rid of him and his evil army forever.? ?Sounds easy enough.? ?You have three days to travel to his evil lair of Loctu Morallus.? ?Where in the name of fine summer squash is that?? ?F?n far away.? ?Then I must be off.? The hero gave a manly man pose and everyone admired. ?So manly,? a guard whispered to another. ?You accept then?? the Sage smiled. ?Duh.? ?Good,? the Sage smirked, holding out a hand to shake. ?Off you go the-AHHH!? The Sage lifted his arm to see a bloody stump at the end. The hero looked at his arm too. ?Whoops. Gotta get used to this thing.? ?Don?t worry about it,? the Sage coughed up blood. ?It?ll heal.? ?I?m leaving then. Your kingdom shall soon be safe from all supernatural shizzle.? Everyone cheered. ?Hooray for? umm? that guy?? ?Yes, what is your name?? the King asked. ?Call me Locke. Locke N?Loade.? ?That?s bitchin?,? said the guard, who was shortly after raped and eaten by koalas for his redundant and rather annoying behavior. Do not mind him. ?Do you need any company?? the Sage asked, still bleeding horribly. ?No, I travel alone,? he said as he swung his sword, chopping off yet another fake guard?s head. He grimaced at the sword. ?It?s going to be hard trying to do things in private from now on.? ?Farewell, brave Locke!? the King said as he turned on his TV. ?Good luck and all that.? And so, Locke set off to kill the Skeleton King. Danger is around every corner and occasionally in circular rooms as well. Locke has to keep a sharp eye and sword out for them. And yes, private time will be a bit more awkward from here on.[/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Zen Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 [color=darkred][size=1] Gav, let me start out by saying that I LOVED the entire thing. Just my kinda comedy, which I suppose we share in tastes. I loved the idea from the get go and definetly enjoyed the characters and their reactions to one another. Taking the medievil hero and putting a modern day spin on things makes it that much more funny for me, and I really look forward to the next installment. Haha. Line of the Week: [/color][/size] [quote] ?I had drugs to deal,? the man in the rainbow cloak spoke. ?Sage has gotsta get paid, son.? ?Word,? the king said. ?Do you have it?? ?Does a bear shit in the woods?? Everyone stared at the Sage questionably. He stood uneasy for a moment, shifting his weight as the gazes grew awkward. ?Yes, I have it.?[/quote] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... 2010DigitalBoy Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 This has been one of the funniest chapters of anything I've ever read ever. A lot of things are funny, but not many things can make me burst forth with laughter. There were many scenes which did that, namely the scene mentioned by the Boss. I also loved the guard who kept saying 'thats bitchin' and the whole Sauron thing. Exuberantly awesome. I just love you increadibly random humor, and how nearly every single sentence is funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Create an account or sign in to comment You need to be a member in order to leave a comment Create an account Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy! Register a new account Sign in Already have an account? Sign in here. Sign In Now Share More sharing options... 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Zen Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 [color=darkred][size=1] Gav, let me start out by saying that I LOVED the entire thing. Just my kinda comedy, which I suppose we share in tastes. I loved the idea from the get go and definetly enjoyed the characters and their reactions to one another. Taking the medievil hero and putting a modern day spin on things makes it that much more funny for me, and I really look forward to the next installment. Haha. Line of the Week: [/color][/size] [quote] ?I had drugs to deal,? the man in the rainbow cloak spoke. ?Sage has gotsta get paid, son.? ?Word,? the king said. ?Do you have it?? ?Does a bear shit in the woods?? Everyone stared at the Sage questionably. He stood uneasy for a moment, shifting his weight as the gazes grew awkward. ?Yes, I have it.?[/quote] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2010DigitalBoy Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 This has been one of the funniest chapters of anything I've ever read ever. A lot of things are funny, but not many things can make me burst forth with laughter. There were many scenes which did that, namely the scene mentioned by the Boss. I also loved the guard who kept saying 'thats bitchin' and the whole Sauron thing. Exuberantly awesome. I just love you increadibly random humor, and how nearly every single sentence is funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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