Writing The Necropolis Sect: Siberian Assault [M-VL]

[Sir Gawain]

[b][i]New Soviet Union Research Base ODIN 23 miles East of Mirnyi[/i][/b]
[left][b][i]1300 Hours 2783 C.E. (Common Era)[/i][/b][/left]
[b][/b]
Mikhail Grondovich was a loyal soldier of the KGB. Even in the subzero cold that threatend to strangle him, he remained at his post. Two members of the Politburo were inisde the facility, speaking with the scientists. He would not allow anyone, anything, to get past him to kill vital political leaders of the State.

"This doesn't seem like too hard of a job, eh, Comrade?" asked Ivan Boroskvy, the KGB agent on the other side of the door. "All we do is sit tight and hope we don't freeze to death before our Comrade Ministers leave. Then, a nice hot meal and excellent 'compensation' for our efforts."

Mikhail had to smile at the thought. He knew exactly what Ivan meant by 'compensation.' [i]But do not forget, [/i]he told himself, [i]that first you have to keep alive[/i]. [i]Only then will you enjoy after dinner entertainment[/i].

The minutes ticked slowly by with nothing happening. Mikhail thought he saw something moving in the snow a hundred meters off, but Ivan said it was just the cold playing with his mind. An hour passed. [i]Even mammoths couldn't stand this[/i], Mikhail thought.

"What do you think they are doing in there? Rearringing matter like in that silly cartoon my father keeps? Hey, are you listen-" Mikhail turned to see his companion's head missing from his neck and let loose a blood curtling scream. It took him several seconds to realize what had removed the man's skull.

A large, sharpened wedge of some kind was stuck in the wall behind the corpse, right at about Ivan's neck would have began. He noticed a heavy looking chain tied to the end and followed it back to the source, an enormous man with hulking muscles, and what looked like a hundred yards of the chain were draped around his neck.

When the giant spoke, it was in perfect Russian, complete with the stereotypical deep voice. "You like, Comrade? It is an antique, from Twelfth century Russia. The very blade that cut off my head." The man grinned wickedly, pulling down the chains to reveal what Mikhail only knew were stitches because the man had mentioned being beheaded. It almost made him vomit.

"What is wrong my friend? Are you upset that I killed your partner there? Don't worry, you'll be seeing him again soon enough." The giant tugged on the chain and pulled the massive blade easily out of the wall. Mikhail didn't even have time to aim his rifle before it came at him.

Five minutes later, every scientist in the N.S.R. ODIN base was dead, as was every security guard and soldier. The brute had only one man left to kill before his men could come in and take control of the facility. The Minister of Defense was on his knees, begging to be spared. "I wish I was sorry, Comrade, but my boss wants everyone here dead. You were only in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Before I die, what shall I tell Saint Peter my murderer's name was?" the Minister sobbed. The giant stopped his advance to think it over. "You may tell the devil that it was Gulliotine who killed you, but yourself that doomed your soul to Hell." One sickening thud later, another pool of blood was spreading across the linoleum floor.
- - -
I was thinking of making this an RP, but my idea sounded corny after I finished writing this. Didn't want to waste all that typing though. I'll update this at about 4 pm tomorrow if I can. Untill then, whatd'ya think? I accept all criticism, constructive and flame. But for those who flame, I don't give a rat's *************&**** about what you have to say.:D

[TheShinje]

[color=crimson] I feel your story could have done better by leaving the menace unseen, it turned from suspenseful into bad B-movie as soon as I got a "Hulk" vibe.

[quote]"This doesn't seem like too hard of a job, eh, Comrade?" asked Ivan Boroskvy, the KGB agent on the other side of the door. "All we do is sit tight and hope we don't freeze to death before our [b]Comrade Ministers[/b] leave. Then, a nice hot meal and excellent 'compensation' for our efforts."[/quote]

This wordplay doesn't sit with me, it's ill-fitting. It shoule either be "comrades" or "ministers" not "comrade ministers".


All in all, it's got potential. Leave the Guillotine character unseen for a few scenes, the unseen menace is usually the most effective, as it also plays on the fear of the unkown. You can play two different fear angles in one story if you set and pace it right.

Lastly, just a preference thing, don't call the villain Guillotine, because he kills with the blade. Iit's got a strange X-men vibe to it.[/color]