Writing Dark Blade:Normal life [M-L,SD, possible V]

[Aberinkula]

This story is based on the aftermath of Dark blade. For some of you, you might know it for my old manga Lake of Blood. I also added a character.
her's the story cap: [URL=http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=51368]Dark blade (lake of blood)[/URL]
Chapter 1: [FONT=Verdana] Sister[/FONT]


A couple of months ago Deltokden Mishima saved the universe using a mysterious spell book. Plus a sword. Finally destroying Zeke who was the evil embodiment of Zet. The god of hell in a world known as Zetzon. Zara Lablank died in a fire. But thanks to a ritual she was brought back. They all live normal now with their friends Dante Danson, Graden Starta, and Paige Romana.

The story starts at Deltokden's mansion. Where him and Zara are alone. Deltokden woke up with Zara on top of him. Her feet on his face. Her hand on the blanket didn't
let Deltokden get out. This is the fifth day she's rolled onto me. If she's gonna get on top she could at least kiss me!

Whoa! Yelled Zara! Del this is the fifth day you've crawled under me. At least kiss me! I've been doing nothing! You are the one rolling on me. Yelled Deltokden back.

Del jumped in the shower as Zara shaved her legs. God at least take that thing to get a silencer! Said Deltokden. I am always trying to clean my face when you shave. It distracts me and I end up getting soap in my eye's. the bickering seemed to never end. Del was lucky to find out he would soon be a father. He didn't want a kid. He has always thought that if only he had his car he could go to the pharmacy. Even though he's the richest man in town.

Zara took a hot bath with Del in the hot tub. They went to sleep.

When Del awoke he noticed Zara's arm on his lap. She had rolled onto him and fell of the bed.

Later that day Deltokden went to see the others while Zara went to go get some pills. Deltokden saw Dante at the door. His house is in sections so everyone lives there.

Hey man! Yelled Dante. Dante is gothic. He is a Black Magician. But he returned to the average Christian he was. Paige wants us to go meet her sister. Come on.
So off they went down the courtyard. The yard was beautiful and majestic. it was embroidered with the Mishima family signet. Daisies lined the hallways.

Hey guys! yelled Del at the spur of the moment. When he opened his eyes he noticed a girl standing near him.

the girl was Del's dream. She had long hair that fell to her hands. her eyes were clear blue. Her chest was Del's main focus. BIG ONES! He yelled. What? Asked the girl. I said Sig suns. They are new cigars. He he! Deltokden still stared at her. Her shirt was see through. She had earrings that were beautiful. her thighs were Sensual. As so was the rest of her.

Nice to meet you um...what;'s your name? Asked Del as he shook. I'm Heather. She said. Deltokden fainted. A fantasy flew through his head. He awoke to hands slapping him. he then saw Zara. You are a pervert! She yelled. Del looked down. laughed than was slapped once more.

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Chapter 2: running for wha?

Del, Del. wake up! Yelled Zara. She took a bucket of water and threw it on him. WHAT I I'M UP!!! Del woke so fast that zara fell backwards. Oh Zara sorry 'bout that. Mits mockay. Zara said in a muffled voice. Well I'm gonna get on the internet.
Muttever. Said Zara muffled once more.

Is he always like that? Heather asked. Dante got up and walked to Heather. You have no idea. Paige put her hands on her head and ran towards Del. Wait up Del! she yelled.

Del finally got back to his room. Paige raced in. Del what were you doing? She asked. Your sister is ho, ho, HOT!! Del fell on his bed. Zara is going to kill me.

You bet I will! Zara rushed in slamming the door behind her. That was just sick! I've seen that once from you but that's all I want to see of it! Del backed away to the corner of the room. He looked to see his magazines. One of them said "Mayor elections coming soon Eligible people are able to enter." That gave him an idea. Since he saved the universe the city would probably let him run.

Okay, Zara to make it up to you I'm going to. Run For Mayor!!!!!!!

Well, well, your enthusiasm shows. Said Zara in a snotty tone. Aright if you think they will let you run then so be it. Okay then Honey I'll be at the town hall!
Del got into his car and left.

He returned.

How did it go? Asked Paige and Zara. Well it went good. Del replied. So what did you enter? Asked Dante. YES I DID!!

To be continued...
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[2010DigitalBoy]

Oh boy... this is gunna need some work ^^;;

okay, for starters, there is one major thing I need to point out. When a character is talking, you absolutely NEED to put a quation mark (they look like this ") before and after what they say. Otherwise, it is impossible to know that they are talking. If they're thinking, it helps to italicize it (like [I]this[/I]) so that you can tell it's in their mind.

Also, there are a lot of typos, but I do a lot of typos myself, so I can't complain ^^;;

For the way your story is written, it's very confusing. Firstly, you've written this story as if you're just telling it to someone over dinner or something. The biggest problem with this is that you have not described anything at all. I have no idea what the characters look like, what their house looks like, or any of the like. You don't have to be overly descriptive, but I've really got nothing to go on. Also, simply saying 'he is goth' doesn't really count. Also, you really need to eplain how he is a 'dark magician'. What, precisely, IS a dark magician? When you say that, I imagine the Yugioh card ^^;;

As for the story itself... what is this meant to be about? The stuff at the beginning is all very confusing, and I don't know who any of those characters are, but I'm guessing that it's all explained in your other story, so I won't worry about that.

Chapter one brings us in on what Im guessing is a relationship between Del and Zara. Then theres this other guy... is he coming into their house, or what? I mean... arent the couple naked? That'd be rather awkward XD and then they go to meet his sister who i guess is really hot, but I was a little lost trying to figure out where exactly everyone was. The same went for chapter 2, I couldn't really tell what the hell was going on ^^;; is someone running for mayor? I just don't get it... what exactly are they doing?!

Also, you should probably make the chapters just a little bit longer or combine them, or something, as it seems like in both of these chapters nothing really got accomplished and that's not good.

Anywho, I definitelly think you need to look at some other people's works and take some notes and try to improve your writing ^.^