Writing Mind Games [M-LS]

[Annie]

[u][color=red][b]Warning[/b][/u]- This thread is rated "R" for really crude humor, language, and whatever you can think of in that twisted head of yours. Extreme caution to those who may be offended by raw, brash, and down-right nasty sexual innuendo/jokes/conversation. You won't see it in this first post, but it will show later on, I promise. So, if you are looking to read something light and fun, go somewhere else.[/color]

[size=1]Now, with that said, this is a collaberation between The Boss and myself. It's sort of a very realistic OB parody of "Clerks". We are trying to accomplish the feeling that OB members really knew each other IRL, and totally ditch the usual internet references (ie, rooms made entirely of HTML, digital food, blah blah blah). We wanted a natural feel. And I think we've got it. Mike and I will both be posting different scenes.

[b]Cast[/b]
[list][*] Mike= The Boss
[*] Joe= AC!D!C
[*] Annie= Athena
[*] Stephen= White
[*] Alex= Retribution[/list]
(as the story goes along, more people will be included, and we'll list their names before each post)

So, enjoy "Mind Games", a collaberative OB parody brought to you by The Boss and Athena.[/size]
[center]***

[IMG]http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b7/anne-mae/mindgames3.jpg[/IMG][/center]

[QUOTE=The Boss][color=darkred][size=1]
[b]Scene 1- "It begins."[/b]

Pan in on a three-shop strip mall within a small town. Cars wiz by on a gloomy morning on the road in front of the shops. The three shops are [b] ?Emperor Cuisine?[/b] (a small Chinese take out diner), [b] ?Game Stop?[/b] (a dinky video game trade and retail store), and [b] ?Home Videos?[/b] (a family owned video rental store). All three buildings are in poor condition.

A single car roles into the parking lot in front of the [b]Game Stop[/b]. A purple GC8 Subaru driven by a disgruntled looking, young, caucasian woman. She parks the car and steps out. She has short black hair and wears glasses. She is dressed in a pair of rough jeans and a black t-shirt bearing the jolly roger. She bends over and reaches into her car, withdrawing a name tag and places it on her shirt. It says ?Annie?.

Stepping forward, she takes a moment to look at the store and breathes a deep sigh. She walks up to the glass door covered in stickers and posters and unlocks it, stepping in to turn on the lights.


We see a shot of the clock, the hands lining up on eight ?o clock exactly. We turn to see the lights flicker on and the store to be more revealed. Video game cases of all sorts lining the walls with a large back register and office covered posters and obscure notes. She makes her way for the counter and begins checking the register. Soon, her counting is interrupted by the sound of thumping techno music.

We see the parking lot again and see a street-tuned Honda pull into the parking lot, two older teenage males filling the front seats. One in the passenger seat, a gangly auburn headed kid. His face having Greek features. He wears a brown chaps shirt with a pair of dark khaki shorts and Reebok sneakers. A single zirconia stud hanging from his left earlobe. He wears a name tag saying ?Mike?.

Mike
Dude! How could you say that?! Big Boss destroyed Shagohod in the sixties, without all those Nikita?s and Stinger missles!

Another young man steps from the driver?s seat. He is of similar body type, skinny and tall. His face is a bit paler, visibly he is Irish in decent. He wears a brown Element hat with a black Contra shirt and a pair of black pants. He slams the car door and locks it automatically. He wears a name tag ?Joe?.

Joe
Don?t ?Dude!? me... Listen, Snake took out five Metal Gears, alone, and killed Big Boss. So how is Big Boss ?better? by any means, if he got killed by Snake?

The two begin walking up to the shop; still yelling at each other.

Mike
Because, Solid Snake is Big Boss? fucking clone! That means that Big Boss was so badass to begin with, that they decided ?hey, let?s make a line of super soldiers out of his genes?. How loudly does that speak to you?

Joe (opens the door)
It?s a fucking whisper to me. Listen, Snake killed Big Boss and accomplished far more than he did in a shorter amount of time. It?s common sense, just because Boss came before didn?t mean he was better. Just like fucking Babe Ruth came before, like, Sosa, doesn?t mean he was better.

Mike (steps in the shop with Joe)
Blasphemy! Listen, Babe Ruth didn?t bust a nut in a cup and make Sammy Sosa. Snake is a direct clone of Big Boss, everything Big Boss was, Snake is to a lesser form. The only reason Snake even was able to off Boss was because Boss was a senior citizen by the time they fought...

Joe
That doesn?t matter. It happened, Boss is dead, Snake?s alive, and is getting the PS3 sequel. So... who wins?

Annie (says to the two)
Neither of you. Your both losers. Now come unload the new releases.

Mike (to Joe)
Go for it asswipe.

Joe turns and gives steely glare Mike with his head cocked up to the side. Mike gapes his mouth in complaint, shifts his eyes and sighs. The two walk towards the counter. Mike hops over it as Joe walks around. As the two disappear into the back room, Annie takes station at the counter, leaning over it in boredom.

Mike (from back room)
Boss is better.

Joe
Snake is better.

Mike
Boss

Joe
Snake

The two continue as Annie grumbles into her hand, looking up to a close up on the clock showing it is 8:05 am. Back to Annie, she frowns on the corner of her mouth and exhales through her nose.

We go to the back room to see Joe and Mike bent over cardboard boxes, unloading game cases.


Mike
The guy?s name is a fucking sexual innuendo. Solid Snake, yeah, let?s pretend that?s not suggestive. Even names wise, Big Boss is just cooler.

Joe
Okay, now let?s pretend that names count over actual accomplishments. Just because his name implies an erection, that doesn?t make Snake?s accomplishments count any less.

Mike
Wait. Did Snake build a mercenary group called Outer Heaven and amass an army by himself? Wait no, that was Boss. I?m sorry. (He says with a harsh sarcasm)

Joe
Yeah... then Snake came by and killed them all and Boss along with it.

Mike
Yeah, because Boss was an old man, and Snake was at his prime, and his clone.

Joe
Snake is better...

Mike
Boss is better...

The two continue their arguing as we pan back out into the shop, where a bell signifies the entrance of an early customer. Annie looks up for a moment in interest, and then settles back down in lethargy.

Annie (said in a sedated frustration)
What do you two want?

We see a pair of two young looking guys. One is african american. Sitting back, he seems to be keeping to himself. He steadily looks from side to side checking out the store. His name is Alex. The other is a lanky caucasian with dirty blonde hair and large features. His nickname is Stephen.

Stephen (with a fast, unrefined speaking)
Can I use you?s guy?s john?

Annie (starts)
We don?t have a...

Mike (yelling from the backroom)
Who the hell is that?!

Stephen?s eyes open up suddenly in surprise and fear. Mike comes through the back room door with a small squeaky toy in his hand.

Mike
What did I tell you, ya fucking Honky?! Unless your gonna buy something, get the hell out!

Stephen (yelling in defense)
It?s a free country! I can do what I want!

Mike grits his teeth and throws the squeaky toy at Stephen?s head, hitting him hard, causing Stephen to turn and flee quickly with Alex following slowly behind.

Stephen
Man... I outta call five-oh!

Mike
I outta kick your ass! Stop hanging around here, ya pricks!

Stephen (with the door open)
We?ll do what we want!

Stephen closes the door and opens it again quickly.

Stephen
And we?re not pricks!

He slams the door and trudges over to the side window of the shop, leaning back against it.

Mike growls to himself as he watches the two.

Mike (to Annie)
I?m getting tired of those two morons hanging around here all day...

Annie
What do they do to you personally to make you hate them so much?

Mike
.... their morons, that?s what. Plus, they take away business. You know they sell those stupid SNES cartridges while we got them to sell. Why don?t we just get a ?No loitering? sign, like that would be a problem...

Annie
The owner doesn?t wanna be ?unfriendly?.... plus, people hang out here anyways during LAN?s and tournaments...

Mike looks at the two outside scornfully and shakes his head, making his way back into the back room. Annie gives a slight scowl and turns back to the counter. We see the clock again, 8:10 am. The day was just starting.


[/color][/size][/QUOTE]

[Ellerby]

[color=#555555][FONT=Tahoma]Oh snap, this is great. I've already told Mike what I think but I guess I'll repeat it here just because it deserves that much praise. ;)

Alright, this is hillarious. It has a very clerks feel to it and a lot of the lines are done perfectly. I can picture the whole thing in my mind surprisingly well and the fight between Mike and Joe is hillarious.

Although my favourite line is definitely "And we're not pricks!"[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Papa Smurf]

Since the premise and goal for this piece is some sort of rebuttal to things that have been said in recent threads, I'm going to treat it as such.

And with that in mind, the first thing that needs to be mentioned is how the dialogue is vastly improved here.

The reason for that improvement, if it's not totally obvious, is that there's no script being altered word for word. The content/subject matter is original, though the format/tone obviously is not. This story doesn't read like a Find-->Replace, and that's why it works. I don't hear Dante arguing about Star Wars; I hear the main characters arguing about Metal Gear Solid.

So that's the main reason why the dialogue works so far. It's not a straight plagiarism. Instead, it's a story told in the style of Clerks, which is what a parody should be. Anyone who tells you otherwise doesn't know what they're talking about.

The story starts getting annoying when Stephen and Alex appear, though. They're exterior characters that don't serve much purpose yet, and if they are the Jay and Silent Bob of the story...I can't see them being much use. Lord knows Jay and Silent Bob have always been random characters popping in when the leads can't say anymore...Dogma, Chasing Amy, etc. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was such fluff it annoyed me. I see similar problems here.

Overall, the story is functional, and thankfully, a better utilization of OtakuBoards members than previous entries. The use of style is vastly improved here, which lends itself to actual structure, generating interest rather than contempt or annoyance.

Mind Games is closer to parody, so you should feel good about that, at least. I just hope you're able to keep the dialogue in control, because apart from a few brief witticisms in his canon, Kevin Smith isn't terribly strong of a writer when it comes to meaningful dialogue.

[Annie]

[QUOTE=Papa Smurf]
Mind Games is closer to parody, so you should feel good about that, at least.[/quote]
[size=1]I know I speak for myself, and pretty damn sure for Mike as well, that this definitely has a much better feel to it. I really jumped at this opportunity because I work in retail, and I know that you can write a story to everything that happens. So, it doesn't need a script, or be word-for-word; it just flows. We just basically adapted the really brash, abrupt behavior as Kevin Smith does.[/size]

[quote] I just hope you're able to keep the dialogue in control, because apart from a few brief witticisms in his canon, Kevin Smith isn't terribly strong of a writer when it comes to meaningful dialogue.[/QUOTE]

[size=1][spoiler]*coughClerks2cough* That weak point of his definitely showed up in that movie.[/spoiler] But that's for another forum.

Thank you, P. Smurf. I know I definitely appreciate your criticism here.[/size]

[2010DigitalBoy]

I've never seen any of the movies of the Clerks series, but I gotta say, this was funny as hell. The entire Solid Snake arguement was wonderful, and I never thought to compare Snake's codename to an erection O_o. By the way, Snake totally beats big Boss >_> Power to the mullet!

[Annie]

[size=1]Scene 2

[I]Annie enters the backroom, swinging the door with such force, she knocks over a shelf behind the door. Joe and Mike are breaking down cardboard boxes; still arguing, only over who?s box cutter was sharper. They both stop to look at Annie in bewilderment.[/I]

[b]Annie[/b]- ?I can?t handle ?Rainman? this early in the morning.?

[b]Mike[/b]- ?It?s not even ten, yet. Did you take your Midol today??

[b]Joe[/b]- ?Mike, shut the fuck up.?

[I]Annie shoots Mike daggers and balls her free fist on her hip. Mike, with a snicker, folds the last cardboard box and shoves it into the garbage bin.[/I]

[b]Annie[/b]- ?Okay, smartass. You get to be on register.?

[I]Mike shrugs his shoulders, sighing heavily. If it was one thing to take orders from a short stack like Annie, it was another to run register. Especially when ?Rainman? shows up. He thought of resisting, but decided against it as Annie held the door open and called out:[/I]

[b]Annie[/b]- ?Mike will be right with you. Hang on, please.?

[I]Annie turns and gives Mike a sly, sly smile. Joe chuckles and shakes his head as he picks up his pile of boxes.[/I]

[b]Mike[/b]- ?You know, I fucking hate you sometimes.?

[b]Annie[/b]- ?Just get your toosh out there, and help the customers. I have paperwork to finish up.?

[I]She gives Mike a gentle, playful kick to the rear as he passes her. He walks up behind the register to face a robust, disgruntled young man with light brown, curly hair and broad shoulders. His dark blue-gray eyes peer skeptically at Mike; making him shudder a tad. The man leans forward, placing his palms on the counter.[/I]

[b]Mike[/b]- ?How you doing today, Gavin? Come for the games we don?t have??

[b]Gavin[/b]- ?I want the entire collection of Grand Theft Auto. I came in last week, and found only three of the ones I already have; the old ones for Play Station one. I want the Play Station two games.?

[I]Mike shifts, more annoyed than uncomfortable in Gavin?s hard gaze.[/I]

[b]Mike[/b]- ?I told you last week, and the week before last, that those games aren?t as available as they once were?when they first came out. Particularly, the new games because these obsessed punks can?t get enough of the shit. The old ones, yeah, we have shit loads of; but not the new ones. What?s your deal with this series??

[b]Gavin[/b]- ?I love it, and want the newer games.?

[b]Mike[/b]- ?I mean, the game is classic, yeah. But seriously, dude, this has got to stop.?

[I]Gavin rubs his chin, irritated with Mike?s blunt manner. [/I]

[b]Mike[/b]- ?Okay guy. I?m going to be frank and honest with you. You?re seriously starting to annoy us here. You come in each week, on the same day, at the exact same time, looking for games we don?t have. Don?t you get the drift by now? If we didn?t have them last week, or the week before that, or the week before that?..wouldn?t you think that we aren?t getting them in??

[I]Mike rolls his eyes when Gavin starts to stammer about how ridiculous it is for a game store to sell out of relatively old games. Moaning in irritation, Mike waves his hands in front of Gavin.[/I]

[b]Mike[/b]- ?Stop, stop, stop! You?re killing me, smalls. True, we are a game store. But that doesn?t mean we have every single game ever created here in the store. They come in, they sell out. We order, they come in again, and sell out. Apparently, Grand Theft Auto is one of the most sought out video games of all. And everyone knows this; people who don?t even fucking play video games knows this. And you?re pissed off that you?re too fucking lame to pick up your own copy on the day of their release. You know what that tells me? You aren?t a true and loyal fan. Because a true and loyal fan of the game wouldn?t need to come in each and every week and annoy employees with this sick obsessive-compulsive act bullshit.?

[I]Gavin?s face flares in red, clearly his quick Irish temper taking over. Joe walks out of the backroom warily, slowly closing the door behind him. Gavin turns his attention to Joe, who picks up a magazine and begins to thumb through it.[/I]

[b]Gavin[/b]- ?How does this shithead still have a job here?!?

[I]Taken back, Joe blinks a few times at both Gavin and Mike. [/I]

[b]Joe[/b]- ?You know, I ask myself that same question every day.?

[b]Gavin[/b]- ?I want to speak with the manager!?

[I]The angered customer slams his fists on the counter, sending the register at least two inches in the air. Joe sets the magazine down on the counter as calmly as he could. He didn?t know whether to deck Mike right then and there, or try to calm Gavin first?then give Mike a beating. He knew he should speak to Gavin kindly, but his own temper was boiling. Gavin?s yelling was only going to bring Annie out from the back; and no one wanted that. Least of all Joe and Mike.[/I]

[b]Joe[/b]- ?Listen, I?m really sorry for this asshole. But he is right. If you really are a devoted fan, as you?ve claimed many times before, then you should?ve already had the games. But, for the sake of things, I can try to put in a special order if you?re that bound and determined. Hell, I?ll even give you a deal on them; granted if I can get them in for you.?

[I]Thirty minutes of bickering, wheeling and dealing, and Joe convinces Gavin that he?s the manager and Mike will be punished as needed. Satisfied, the bitter man leaves. Joe spins around and shoves Mike.[/I]

[b]Joe[/b]- ?Dude, what the fuck were you thinking? Do you want to get fired??

[b]Mike[/b]- ?Sorry, but I?m so sick and tired of seeing him every fucking week, and pulling the same routine. I think I?ve behaved rather well seeing as how this has gone on for more than three months. Do you know how hard it was for me to hold back all that time? It?s like the first time I got head.?

[b]Joe[/b]- ?How in the hell does that become an analogy to this situation??

[b]Mike[/b]- ?If you wouldn?t interrupt me, you?d find out, bitch. As I was saying, the first time I got a blow job. We were at this chick?s house, and she was getting all feisty on me. And I mean, like in-your-face kinky. This was new to me, considering she was sort of conservative. Anyway, she?s got me all fired up, it was pretty intense. As she pulls my boxers off, she sits up and says: ?This is the first time I?ve done this.? I?m stoked, absolutely stoked. So, I tell her it?s okay, that I?ll talk her through it. Things go great, until I was about to bust. I tell her to stop because I didn?t want to just yet, but she kept going, dude. I couldn?t stop her.?

[I]Joe, a bit intrigued with where the story was going, but also disgusted that it was coming from Mike, waved a hand sharply; indicating to Mike that he should stop.[/I]

[b]Mike[/b]- ?I tried my damned best to hold, but I just blew all over her f--?

[b]Joe[/b]- ?MIKE!?

[I]Joe shook his head and pointed behind him. A mother with her daughter were standing right behind him. The woman had her hands over her daughter?s ears. Mike made something of a ?Fuck me.? face and walked into the backroom.[/i][/size]

[Ellerby]

[color=#555555][FONT=Tahoma]Wow. You know I could [i]really[/i] seeing stuff like that happen in a real video game store (in fact I have..). That was a very realistic chapter, hah. Although I'm sure all of Mind Games will be fairly life-like.

It wasn't as funny as Chapter 1, but I the story really made up for that. Ah, Gavin reminded me so much of someone I know, hehe. Can't wait for Chapter 3.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Desbreko]

[color=#4B0082]This is hilarious. I haven't laughed this much from something on OB for long time. It's all so absurd, yet believable at the same time. . . . Makes me wonder what all goes on at my local GameStop.

I'll definitely be back for more. *bookmarks* :animesmil[/color]

[silpheedpilot]

[COLOR=DarkSlateGray][SIZE=1]Ahahah! I am happy with the way this is turning out, though I don't normally see myself as the Dante in retail situations but, eh, what can you do right? Either way the story is pretty good and let me tell everyone that the Solid Snake vs. Big Boss arguement was real, oh it was real and on many occasions. I can't wait to see where the story goes from here and I'm glad to see plenty of OBers popping up in the story.

'You know, I ask myself that same question every day.'

Bwahaha! Thats so me.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[2010DigitalBoy]

XD I like this chapter even more because the whole Gavin situation was just cool, and I liked how they were explaining that a true fan would've been there for the release. Is Gavin on drugs or something? He seems kinds weird XD

The entire blowjob description was hilarious, dude!

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1]Interesting, most interesting.

I have to admit I picked up on the Jay and Silent Bob thing before Papa Smurf even pointed it out, Steven's speech just gave it away completely, but seeing as I'm a big fan of Kevin Smith, that only enhanced the enjoyment. I gotta say I was a little disturbed by my own behaviour, seeing as I'm a cheap bastard who hates the crew of my local Gamestop and buys any new game off the net. In fact it's quite weird but Mike's character reminds me of an asshole I have to deal with on the occasions I darken Gamestop's door. Also Mike is right, [b]Big Boss would pwn Solid Snake in a fair fight.[/b]

Funny as hell, I just hope I don't make too many appearances...[/SIZE]

[Zen]

[color=darkred][size=1]

[b][u][center]Mind Games: Scene 3, Part 1[/b][/u][/center]


We open in to see the character selection screen of the PS2 game, [b]Soul Caliber 3[/b]. A red cursor floats over the face of a rugged samurai. A button press is heard and the game announcer sounds ?Misturugi? causing the character to appear onto the screen.

Mike (in the background yelling)
Yeah, bitch! ?Rugi bout to fuck ya man?s up.

A blue cursor on the screens goes over the face of a young man with a scar on his cheek. The character is selected and the announcer sounds ?Kilik?, causing the young man in a yellow jacket to appear, wielding a long staff.

Joe
Yeah... fuck me up reeeaaaal bad.

Mike (in contempt)
Shut up and play....

Joe
I don?t play. I win.

Mike gives Joe an angry glare with a raised eyebrow. We see the screen again as the two players appeared upon an ancient Greek temple, each of their characters on opposite sides.

The store bell toles and a young, dark haired white man enters the shop to see Mike frantically pressing on the buttons of his DualShock2 as Joe lays back calmly and taps his buttons with a subtle rhythm.

Mike
Fuck.... FUCK..... FUCK!!!

Mike through his controller to the ground in anger as the game announcer called ?Player 2 Wins?.

Mike (standing and yelling at Joe who sat back on a stool)
Pussy little tech player! Can?t fight like a man!

Joe
Quit being a bitch about it Mike. Practice.

Young Man (in a light british accent)
Er... Excuse me...?

Mike (turns around quickly with a pissed expression)
What do you want?! Oh... it?s Bill.... What do you want?!

Bill (with a sophisticated distinction)
No need to be rude, Michael. I was just wondering if my pre-order has arrived yet.

Mike (confused and still in a sour mood)
Pre-order...?

Bill
I purchased a pre-order of Pokémon Pearl.

Mike (dumbfounded)
Wait... you're telling me you pre-ordered... a fucking... Pokémon game?

Bill (defensively)
Yes... is there a problem with that?

Mike
Are you retarde- (is cut off, shoved aside by Joe)

Joe
Don?t pay dick-breath any attention. I?m sorry, man. But there was a delay western shipping. Come back next week and we should probably have it in.

Bill (frustrated)
You must be joking... I paid you yanks good money for this, I demand some form of recompensation, (eyes Joe?s name tag) Joseph!

Joe tilts his head back and gives a steely glare to the young brit. Seconds later, we see the outside of the shop. Stephen and Alex are sitting to the side, Stephen speaking about some off topic. Suddenly, Bill flies out of the door and onto the sidewalk sideways.

Stephen
Oh ho ho shit! That boy got throw?d out!

Bill (looking up shockingly to Joe who stands in the doorway)
T-This is an outrage! I demand to speak with the manager, now!

Stephen
Oh, the kid?s cryin? about it now!

Mike (hollering from inside the shop)
Shut the fuck up, Honky!

Stephen stifles himself.

Joe (with a raised eyebrow)
Are you sure about that? Alright... (Joe turns around into the doorway) Annie!!! We got a complainer...

A loud crash and thud came from the back office of the shop suddenly.[/color][/size]

[Papa Smurf]

I'm sorry, but two things.

One, you need to pay a lot more attention to basic grammar and word usage. I've counted so many mistakes in those areas that I'm starting to lose count, and the mistakes are so blatantly obvious that they're painful to read.

[quote][color=darkred][size=1] Mike [u][b]through[/b][/u] his controller to the ground in anger as the game announcer called ?Player 2 Wins?.[/size][/color][/quote] "Through" versus "throws," for example.

[quote][color=darkred][size=1]game announcer called ?Player 2 Wins?.[/size][/color][/quote] The game announcer is saying "Two." Not "2." Rarely will you see numerals used in anything written, because it's bad form. You use the digits when writing numbers that would be...something around more than four or five words when written out. Otherwise, you write "2" as "two," "4" as "four" and so on.

[quote][color=darkred][size=1]Wait... [u][b]your[/b][/u] telling[/size][/color][/quote] Again. Word usage.

[quote][color=darkred][size=1]is cut off by a shoved to the side by Joe[/size][/color][/quote] This is just sloppy phrasing, and should have been corrected by basic editing. In this form, the sentence barely makes sense. The only way it makes any sense at all is if the reader piecemeals it together.

[quote][color=darkred][size=1] I payed you yanks good money for this, I demand some form of reconcilement,[/size][/color][/quote] Okay, you're not even using "reconcilement" correctly, because I know I can't find any definition that comes remotely close to what you're looking for there. Reconcilement has absolutely nothing to do with looking for reimbursement. I'm pretty sure you're looking for "recompense."

And even then...you don't really find "recompense" in the day-to-day speech of teenagers (even British ones). So the line, even with the correction, sticks out because it doesn't sound natural at all. Or believable.

"Payed" versus the correct "paid."

Lastly, regarding grammar and word usage...pick a tense and go with it. You're flipping between past and present tense throughout. Becomes exceedingly obvious near the end of the recently posted scene.

By the way, most screenplays tend to be written in present tense.

Now secondly...I've read three or four scenes and I think it's worth asking now...[i]where is this story going[/i]? Because so far, it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. It's all pointless banter between the characters. Even Chasing Amy and the original Clerks had some sort of direction, albeit mildly meandering, lame, and vague.

But this is entirely meandering, lame, and vague. Where's your story? Since this is a screenplay, I'd expect some sort of action by now...something to propel the story forward. Normal screenplays introduce the first plot point at 25 pages. I don't see this as a full-length screenplay potential, so I'm expecting to see the plot point within 5 pages. And I haven't. What's the deal?

[Annie]

[size=1][color=darkslateblue]Mind Games- Scene 4

[I]A crash and thud echoes throughout the store. Joe glances at Mike, who glances towards the back room. Bill folds his arms tightly across his chest, and glares at Joe for an explanation.[/I]

[b]Joe[/b]- ?Mike, go make sure the ditz didn?t kill herself.?

[I]Mike smirks and gives Joe a mock salute. He disappears into the back room. Joe turns back to face Bill, who is now tapping his foot impatiently.[/I]

[b]Bill[/b]- ?What a way for an employee to talk about his manager.?

[b]Joe[/b]- ?I don?t remember asking your opinion.?

[I]The two share a stiffening silence as Mike enters the back room. His feet tread on piles of papers and folders, crunching every so often on pencils and pens. Annie stands in the middle of the mess, running her fingers through her hair.[/I]

[b]Mike[/b]- ?Annie? What did you do this time??

[b]Annie[/b]- ?I was trying to move the cabinet, and it fell. I?m fine.?

[b]Mike[/b]- ?Damn. Anyway, Bill?s outside and demands to talk to you.?

[I]Annie stares blankly at Mike for a few seconds before hanging her shoulders. After grumbling and kicking papers around, Annie wobbles over the mess and out of the door; Mike following close behind. Joe leans against the frame of the entrance door, arms across his chest. Bill smiles with a satisfied grin, and takes a step forward towards the entrance. Joe grunts, sticking an arm out to block Bill from entering the store. Annie ducks under Joe?s arm and plants her hands on her hips.[/I]

[b]Annie[/b]- ?What?s going on??

[b]Bill[/b]- ?His attitude, is what?s going on. He literally threw me out of the store! What kind of management allows this?!?

[I]Bill?s anger rises in his neck, turning it beat red and spreading to his face. In his rant, he accidentally spits on Annie. She blinks and takes a step back, wiping the inside corner of her eye with a middle finger.[/I]

[b]Annie[/b]- ?First of all, if you?re going to insult my management, try to do it without fucking spitting on me. Next time it happens, [b]I?ll[/b] throw you out of the parking lot. Secondly, tell me what your problem is?without spitting on me.?

[I]A snicker from both Joe and Mike. Bill shifts his weight in his legs.[/I]

[b]Bill[/b]- ?I had a pre-order, and paid it in full, for Pokémon Pearl. Your associate here--?

[I]Bill is interrupted by an abrupt cough from Joe.[/I]

[b]Joe[/b]- ?No, no. The word you so spitefully used against us was ?yanks?. And you copped an attitude first, for the record. I merely retaliated. I don?t take kindly to people dicking me around. I don?t care what country you come from.?

[b]Annie[/b]- ?Joe, please. Now, Bill. I?m sure my ?yank? told you that there was a delay in the shipping. That?s something we can?t handle. We?re not trying to screw you out of your money, so if that?s what you were thinking, you were mistaken. The game is on its way, it?s just going to be a few more days.?

[b]Bill[/b]- ?So, there?s nothing you can do??

[b]Annie[/b]- ?Sorry, dude. But there?s nothing we can do. The only thing I can offer is your deposit back when the game comes in. Not the money for the game, but the fifteen dollar deposit for reservations.?

[I]Bill nods, liking the deal. He apologizes to Annie for his behavior and gives Joe a slightly embarrassed nod. As Bill walks away, Joe gives him the finger and walks back into the store. Annie follows, shaking her head with a small giggle.[/I]

[b]Joe[/b]- ?That was too nice. You shoul--?

[I]Joe?s focus averts from Annie back to Bill who turns around and walks back. Annie follows Joe?s furious glare.[/I]

[b]Mike[/b]- ?Oh what now? Doesn?t this guy get the fucking point? Jesus christ.?

[I]The bell rings as Bill re-enters the store and walks up to Annie.[/I]

[b]Bill[/b]- ?I am really sorry I spat on you. I didn?t mean to.?

[b]Annie[/b]- ?Yeah, it was pretty fucking gross.?

[b]Bill[/b]- ?Would you allow myself to redeem?.myself.?

[I]Annie stifles a laugh, while Joe and Mike let loose.[/I]

[b]Annie[/b]- ?How do you suppose you?re going to do that??

[b]Bill[/b]- ?Well, if you?re available later on tonight, I?d like to take you out to dinner.?

[I]Joe and Mike are in tears by this point. Annie tries to shush them, angered that they are letting this continue.[/I]

[b]Mike[/b]- ?Why would you want to take [I]that[/I] out to dinner?! She?ll tear you apart!?

[I]Mike bursts into laughter again. Annie fumes.[/I]

[b]Bill[/b]- ?Well??

[I]He persists, ignoring Mike?s comment. Joe clears his throat and waves a hand in the air.[/I]

[b]Joe[/b]- ?Not happenin?. Not on my time.?

[b]Bill[/b]- ?Excuse me, but I didn?t ask you.?

[b]Joe[/b]- ?You didn?t have to. She?s not interested in you, right??

[I]Joe looks at Annie, giving her a questioning look.[/I]

[b]Annie[/b]- ?I don?t date my customers.?

[b]Bill[/b]- ?That?s the oldest excuse in the book! Please, I do feel really bad about my behavior.?

[b]Annie[/b]- ?Then be a good customer, and leave without a fuss. We?ll call you when the game gets in.?

[I]Annie turns around to hide her laughing face as she walks away.[/I]

[b]Two hours later..[/b]

[I]Annie takes over the register while Mike goes on lunch break. She?s taking occasional glances at the clock on the register, then to one ?regular? customer who insists on reading the back of each game. Joe strolls up beside Annie and leans in closely, staring at the same customer.[/I]

[b]Joe[/b]- [I]whispers[/I] ?What letter is she up to now? I lost count back at ?D?.?

[I]Annie chuckles, rubbing the back of her neck. Not only did this customer insist on reading the backs of each game on the shelf, she [b]had[/b] to read them in alphabetical order.[/I]

[b]Annie[/b]- [I]whispers[/I]- ?She?s still on ?D?. Up to dot//hack.sign.?

[b]Joe[/b]- ?Jesus. This has been going on for months. I can?t take it anymore.?

[I]Joe pushes off of the counter and walks down the aisle, perching himself on a small stepping stool next to the customer. The young, small-framed customer cowers over the video game she was reading; as if Joe were a bully from school, about to hang her upside down for her lunch money. He simply waves, making the girl clamp down on the game case.[/I]

[b]Joe[/b]- ?Hey, um. This isn?t a library, you know.?

[b]Customer[/b]- ?I like to research before I purchase anything..?

[I]The girl spoke so quietly, Joe had to scoot the stepping stool closer. The girl stands sharply and glares down at the grinning employee.[/I]

[b]Joe[/b]- ?Heh, that?s why there?s this new wave called ?internet?. Do your research on your own time, kid. We?re not a library, we?re not fucking Google. We are a store, where you come to purchase items. That?s how I get paid, is from the money you spend on games. If you?re not buying, I?m not getting paid. Understand??

[I]Joe stands up now.[/I]

[b]Customer[/b]- ?I-I understand. I promise, I?ll remember next time. I?m actually going to purchase this one today.?

[I]Joe nods and points to the register.[/I]

[b]Joe[/b]- ?Annie here will take care of you.?

[I]The girl makes her purchase, avoiding eye contact with either Annie or Joe. As soon as she leaves the store, Joe props himself on his elbows on the glass countertop.[/I]

[b]Annie[/b]- ?That was a clever way to get her to actually buy something. Kudos.?

[b]Joe[/b]- ?You seriously wouldn?t have gone out to dinner with that freak, right??

[I]Annie blinks at the drastic change of topic. The bell dings as Mike walks through the door, carrying one white, plastic bag in his left hand, and a can of Pepsi his right. Both arms extended in the air above his head. Annie quickly looks to Mike, smiling at his goofy whooping.[/I]

[b]Annie[/b]- ?What is all this ruckus??

[b]Mike[/b]- ?Who just got free lunch? Mike just got free lunch, bitches! Those Chinese ladies love me.?

[b]Joe[/b]- ?Don?t know why, you?re such a faggot with that diamond earring.?

[b]Mike[/b]- ?Bitch please. You?re just jealous you ain?t got free food.?

[b]Joe[/b]- ?Oh, don?t worry. I?ll get my free food?.?

[I]Joe smirks as Mike shakes his head as he passes. With one fluid, sly motion, Joe?s leg finds itself right under Mike?s feet; sending Mike skipping for balance, and his food dropping towards the floor. Joe scoops the bag and hurdles over the register and into the backroom.[/I]

[b]Mike[/b]- ?You mother fucking cockbite! I?ll fucking cut you in your sleep!!?

[b]Annie[/b]- ?Ooooowwwnnneeed.?[/size][/color]

[Dragon Warrior]

[size=1]I must be honest now. I don't like it as much as other stories I've read on OB and I especially appreciate "Otaku Fiction" more, Mike. This may simply be because I don't find the video game references that amusing because I'm totally ignorant when it comes to games nowadays (being that I don't play them). Like the argument over Metal Gear Solid... sadly the only thing I found funny was how they said his name was a sexual innuendo. Otherwise, I don't even know who Big Boss is, so I really can't crack a smile at the jokes. I'm sure they're hilarious to those who know the stuff, though.

Having said that, I do, however, enjoy reading the parts that aren't about video games (well, it's all about games, but I mean not video game references). For example, the part where the girl is reading all the titles. Or when Mike got free eats from the Chinese ladies. Those parts amused me more simply because they were the closest to real life to me. The random conversations with the employees is good too. I enjoy Mike calling Stephen "Honky," because in real life, I call my friend Joel "Honky" all the time.

There are some grammatical/spelling errors that can be watched by proof-reading, but nothing too major. Occassionally there'd be a line that's most likely a typo that should be fixed. Once again, proof-reading helps. You also occassionally go from past tense to present tense. It's not too noticeable, but it'll improve it if you fix this. It's a good start for four scenes, but sometimes I feel you're trying too hard to do rants like Randal in Clerks. Don't force it. Let them come naturally. They usually do on topics you know a lot about and actually have a grudge against yourself.

So, yeah, overall, it wasn't bad. Like I said before, I'm not big into video games, so I may not appreciate this as much (therefore I won't judge against it on those levels for that reason), but I still feel you can make it more appealing to all audiences whether they're gamers or not.[/size]