Writing Deep Night [PG-13-VL]

[Japan]

[CENTER][IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v98/Japan_86/2006013090184.jpg[/IMG][/CENTER]

[COLOR=DarkRed][CENTER][B][U]Prologue[/U][/B][/CENTER] [/COLOR]


[COLOR=Navy]
Sirens blare in the shady part of town in downtown San Francisco, California as several police cars speed up and down the many streets. It is a little past midnight as the cars finally stop in front of a rundown abandoned apartment building. The lights from the cars as well as floodlights that the policemen have just set up gave the apartment an eerie glow. Its fading red paint on the outside chipping with age just another tree in this forest of crumbling warehouses and other abandoned buildings.

One of the police, a tall handsome man of great rank, pulled out a megaphone from his car and shouted through its mouthpiece.
?Come out with your hands up!?[/color]

[COLOR=DarkRed][CENTER]-------------------------------------------------------[/CENTER][/COLOR]

[COLOR=Navy]Stephen glanced through the window briefly and scowled with amusement. Not wanting his prey to escape, he passed the window without giving a second thought to the man standing below.

His sensitive ears picked up nervous feet scurry up the stairs to the upper floor level of the building. Ruffling his chin length black hair, his green eyes sparkled with amusement. Grinning, he hurried his pace and sped upstairs.[/COLOR]

[COLOR=DarkRed][CENTER]-------------------------------------------------------[/CENTER][/COLOR]

[COLOR=Navy]?Captain Kelly!?

The man with the megaphone turned to the direction of the voice. ?What the hell do you want, Austin??

?I thought I saw something in the third story window. Want to send up some men to check it out??

Something crashed in one of the rooms on the third level of the apartment.

Captain Kelly and the others flinched from the unexpected sound.

?Sir?? Austin asked.[/COLOR]

[COLOR=DarkRed][CENTER]-----------------------------------------------[/CENTER][/COLOR]

[COLOR=Navy]Stephen chuckled as the short and plump man winced in pain as he tripped over an end table that he was hiding behind.

?Wha?what do you want with me, mister? I didn? do nothin? wrong. Promise!? the man squealed.

Stephen grabbed the man by the collar and slammed him into the wall. ?You know what I want,? he growled. ?Tell me where Marcus Locke is.?

?I?I don? know who you are talkin? bouts mister.?

?Yeah right, speak up or you?ll die.?

The man whimpered, ?He?s at 1543 S Bernard Street.?

Stephen released the puny man. Stumbling to the ground, the man landed on his knees and hands, panting. After catching his breath, he ran out of the room and down the hallway to the stairs leading to the entrance four floors below.

?Going somewhere??

The short man froze in place and slowly turned around. Seeing nothing but a green foggy mist that quickly scattered, he sighed in relief. That was short-lived, however as the hair on the back of his neck rose as something or someone breathed down upon him. Turning back around, he screamed. There right before him blocking his way was his captor. The man turned around yet again and headed up the stairs that led to the roof. Licking his lips, Stephen followed.

Even though the man was hiding, Stephen easily found him. Grabbing the guy by the shoulders, he reached down and whispered into his ears. ?I?m sorry, but I?m feeling really hungry, mortal. You just look too delicious.?

With that, he moved down lower and bit into the man?s neck. [I]Oh, so sweet[/I]. He thought as he continued to feast on the delicious blood. The man?s eyes fluttered for a moment before they closed totally, his body turning ice cold as death overtook him.[/COLOR]

[COLOR=DarkRed][CENTER]------------------------------------------------[/CENTER][/COLOR]

[COLOR=Navy]?Go in an search the place!? Captain Kelly shouted.

?Yes Sir!? his men yelled in reply as several of them entered the building. A half an hour passed before they returned with a body. They all had questioning looks. Captain Kelly eyed those that returned from the search suspiciously and sighed.

[I]This is going to be a long night[/I], Captain Kelly thought to himself. [/COLOR]

[Doc]

[size=1]It truly saddens me that this hasn't gotten any replies yet.

The only bit of criticism I have, would be to work on your wording just a little bit. I know some phrases you chose are used right, but it just irks me.

[QUOTE]
His sensitive ears picked up nervous feet scurry up the stairs to the upper floor level of the building. (paragraph four, first sentence)[/QUOTE] Yet to use so many words to say that he heard someone running upstairs. Details fine, but it's the way that authors treat the detail, and include it that make the stories great for me.[/size]

[Charles]

[quote name='Doc][size=1']It truly saddens me that this hasn't gotten any replies yet.[/size][/quote]

It's because it isn't Otaku fan fiction. Those are the only stories with sucking involved that get replies.

Anyway, Doc's advice is good. Try rooting out unnecessary adverbs and overly descriptive narrative. Otherwise, you're off to a good start.