Writing SuperVillain! [M-L]

[TheShinje]

[color=crimson]

--------
I've been kicking this idea, as a number of skits around in my head for most of today, and thought I'd take a shot at writing a screenplay based on them, that basically ties them all together. I'd like to know how If there are any ways I can improve on the concept, a comedy about Villains and their need for a proper education. think "Sky High" for villains.

[b]EPISODE I
Meeting Mistress Deathscythe.[/b]

It is open night at [b][i]Mistresses DeathScythe's Academy for the Giftedly Wickeded[/i][/b], as prospective parents gather to meet their offsprings future mentors. Mistress DeathScythe has sat down to talk to a couple fo prospective parents about their sons future enrollment.

[b]Mistress DeathScythe: [/b]Greetings. I am Mrs. Deathscythe, principal of Mrs DeathScythe's school for the Giftedly Wickeded. I understand you're looking for a fine institution where you can school your children in evilness. How can I help?
[b]Mr. Asgard:[/b] Well, I was a little apprehensive about sending my son to a prep school, until my wife insisted I check this place out. I must say, I'm more worried about it now.
[b]Mistress DeathScythe: [/b]Well, we do pride ourselves on being a rather impeccable institution for the learning of evilness, what seems to be the problem?
[b]Mr Asgard:[/b] For a starter, the name of the school is one serious grammatical disasterpiece, it should be aptly named "Mistress Deathscythe's School for the Gifted and Wicked."
[b]Mistrees Deathscythe: [/b]We're evil.
[b]Mr. Asgard: [/b]Well, that doesn't excuse anything. If I'm sending my son here, I want proper grammar, dammit! I also want you to kick that cat out of the hallway, and gawddammit, it's Villianry, not Evilness!
[b]Mistress Deathscythe:[/b] An evil school negates the rules of proper grammer, thus, it is rule-bending and evil. So?
[b]Mr Asgard:[/b] Vilains need grammar and discipline too, and for goodness sake, you can't spell either. It's "grammar", not "grammer!"
[b]Mistress Deathscythe: [/b]How could I have mis-spelt grammer? I said it, I didn't write it, you cuckoo.
[b]Mr. Asgard:[/b] Well, they don't call me Daddy Dots for nothing!
[b]Mistress Deathscythe:[/b] Oh, why do they call you "Daddy Dots" then?
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] My Villainous superpower is the ability to envision words spoken as their written counterpart.
[b]Mistress Deathscythe:[/b] How does your name have anything to do with your powers? Besides, isn't it your mistake if you envisioned my spoken words with a spelling mistake in them?
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] I'm evil.
[b]Mistress Deathscythe:[/b] That excuse only works for us.
[b]Mrs. Asgard:[/b] That's not fair then, is it?
[b]Mistress Deatchsythe:[/b] We're evil.
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] Well, as a fellow evil person. I must say you're tone is rather rude, considering the amount of money we're worth to you.
[b]Mistress Deathscythe:[/b] We're an institution for Evil-minded people, most of our students steal their tuition. Besides, being able to envision spoken words isn't neccesarily evil really...Are you sure you weren't named for anything else? Think back to your first evil deed.
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] Oh, I remember that, I sabotaged a printing press so it dotted the "t's" and crossed the "i's"
[b]Mistress Deathscythe: [/b]Oh bother... Let's move on from here, who's the young lad you're wishing to enrol today?
[b]Mrs. Asgard:[/b] Timmy Smalls.
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] His evil alias is The Pianist.
[b]Mrs. Asgard:[/b] He robs banks.
[b]Mistress Deathscythe: [/b]Robs banks? Why the fuck did you called him the pianist then?
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] Because he hums a supersonic tune capable of rendering anyone completely helpless.
[b]Mistress Deathscythe:[/b] You people are seriously fucked in the head. Good grief, why didn't you just call him The Hummingbird?
[b]Daddy Dot's:[/b] Too floury an ill-conceived.
[b]Mrs. Asgard:[/b] Besides, we already have one "The Hummingbird in our family."
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] His ability is the ability to name villains super-cool names.
[b]Mrs. Deathscythe:[/b] I'm not convinced. Anyway, let me show you around our campus....
[b]
In the next episode:[/b] Lady Deathscythe concludes the tour and interview. Does the Pianist have what it takes to get accepted to the prestigious academy?[/color]

[Dragon Warrior]

[size=1]Heh, well, the humor's in the right place. It's not a bad piece of work. :) I'm not sure what you mean by improving your concept whether you want help with how a script should be written or you just mean help with your story idea. But I will say you have some grammatical errors as well as a few typos. Heh, I'm aware some of it is meant to be done wrong for the sake of the jokes said in it, but there are a few things that shouldn't be the way they are.

One would be the run-on sentences. It's sort of a pet-peeve of mine and I don't know why, but it's also still a major grammatical error that I'm sure teachers will come after you for soon enough. It starts in the first line.[/size]

[quote name='Shinje'] "Greetings, I am Mrs. Deathscythe, principal of Mrs DeathScythe's school for the Giftedly Wickeded, I understand you're looking for a fine institution where you can school your children in evilness, how can I help?"[/quote]

[size=1]This is one massive sentence when it should actually be split into several. How it should be written is this way:[/size]

[b]"Greetings. I am Mrs. Deathscythe, Principal of Mrs. DeathScythe's School For The Giftedly Wickeded. I understand you're looking for a fine institution where you can school your children in evilness. How can I help?"[/b]

[size=1]I also took the liberty of fixing some quick mistakes like capitalization in the school's name and a missed period after Mrs. XD But that's besides the point! These run-on sentences pop up every now and then, mainly with Mrs. Deathscythe's lines. Just watch for that. A good way to avoid run-on sentences is to say the lines aloud and see where it sounds weird for not to have a break by a period. Usually speaking in a monotonous tone will do the trick for that.

The rest is really just typos or maybe just insignificant grammar/spelling errors. Just proof-read it and catch them all. Things like:[/size]

[quote name='Shinje]We're an institution for [b]Evil-minded[/b'] people, most of our students steal their tuition.[/quote]

[size=1]In that case, "evil" would not be capitalized since it's not a proper noun. It's just a regular noun describing a "thing," which would be the dark forces. And once again, that's a run-on sentence. You have to watch out for those ;) I can give more help where it's needed if you'd like. Just explain what it is you need help with in means of your "concept." I'll be glad to throw my opinion your way ;) Nice work, though. Some of the humor is wonderful.[/size]

[TheShinje]

[color=crimson] Thanks for the advice DW. The angle being taken in this series is a satire of those films about taking a rag-tag loser school, adding Mr or Mrs "fix-it", and injecting spirit into it, spurring the deviant classes to excel. (To Sir with Love, Dangerous Minds etc..) With a littlke bit of a "Sky High foir villains" approach. I need help if I'm deviating from this premise.

Thanks for the tip-off about the grammar and spelling. Jokes about those lose thier potency when they happen outside of the joke.

[b]EPISODE II:
High School, Hi!

Mistress Deathscythe, Daddy Dots and Mrs. Asgard venture into the secret lairooms of the Academy. As they pass from dungeon to dungeon, Mrs. Asgard gets more apprehensive about what the school can offer. Finally they reach a lairoom down the end of the corridor, and continue on inside...

Mistress D: [/b]This is Lairoom one. Timmy, er, I mean, the Pianist, will be tutored in this room by one of our finest, Dweebs McGraw.
[b]Mrs. Asgard:[/b] Dweebs McGraw? That's no name for an evil tutor, I thought Timmy was going to be tutored by Master Deathbreath?
[b]Mistress D: [/b]Usually most first-timers are, but I can sense an abnormally high potential in your little hummingbird.
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] We didn't call him the hummingbird.
[b]Mistress D:[/b] It was a euphemism.
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] No it wasn't.
[b]Mrs. Asgard:[/b] It was metaphor.
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] "This school is a little inadequate." There is a proper euphemism!
[b]Mistress D:[/b] Shut up already, who gives a flying fuck what it was! The point is, Timmy is special and Mr. McGraw is one of our finest.
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] How so?
[b]Mistress D:[/b] He's only tutored the most villainous of us all. Perhaps you've heard of his star pupils... Godzilla? Frankenstien's monster? King Kong? The Beast from Beauty and the Beast?
[b]Daddy Dots: [/b]They're not villains, they're just misunderstood creatures!
[b]Godzilla:[/b] I tried so hard to be villainous. It's hard as hell when you fucking lefties keep thinking I'm "Misunderstood!"
[b]Mistress D:[/b] Calm down, Godzilla, we're all Republicans here.
[b]John Kerry:[/b] I'm not a Republican.
[b]Mistress D: [/b]Yes you are.
[b]John Kerry: [/b]Yes miss.
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] Ahem!
[b]Mistress D: [/b]You don't just say ahem, you klutz. You cough it out!
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] Khakheem!
[b]Mistress D:[/b] What is it? Can't you see I'm shaking hands with John Kerry?
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] I've seen enough. I'm giving you one last line to convince me that our little Pianist needs to come to this school!
[b]Mistress D:[/b] We're evil.
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] That does it for me, Timmy's going to be schooled here!
[b]Mrs. Asgard:[/b] What? You've critiqued Mistress Deathscythe and her school to death, nitpciking every bloody thing you could. Now, you're willing to settle for a pathetic deus ex machina?
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] It was a good deus ex machina...
[b]Mrs. Asgard:[/b] Says the man who's most evil accomplishment was to dot and cross the "i's" and "t's" on capital lettering!
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] Mwahaha! Fun times.
[b]Mistress D:[/b] I though our Hallway cat had got your Tongue, Mrs. Asgard. Until you regretfully spoke.
[b]Mrs. Asgard:[/b] I'm appaled that you can just use the excuse "we're evil!!1" and have gullible parents swallow it up!
[b]Mistress D:[/b] So, what's your claim to fame, Mrs Asgard, that you can criticise me like this in front of Godzilla and John Kerry!
[b]Mrs. Asgard:[/b] I'm Lady Marmalade!
[b]Mistress D: [/b]Oh, what do you do then? Jam people to death?
[b]Mrs. Asgard:[/b] Dots, honey, she's grilling me!
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] I am so in her camp.
[b]Lady Marmalade:[/b] No sex for you tonight.
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] There is so much wrong and plain retarded with this school!
[b]Mistrees D:[/b] Whatever, sex crazed loon. What say your credentials then, Lady Marmalade?
[b]Lady Marmalade:[/b] I'm not the jam, I'm the song. Not just the song, the cover version that was mixed up by Pink, Lil' Kim, Missy Elliot and Whal Wallabangie. I was used in the film Moulin Rouge. I caused millions of deaths from radio play alone!
[b]Mistress D:[/b] Aaah, not you! I barely survived your popularity run!
[b]Lady Marmalade: [/b]Yes, me, I barely survived my own popularity run!
[b]Daddy Dot's:[/b] She's a real tiger in the sack...
[b]Lady Marmalade:[/b] Choke on your Viagra.

[b]Mistress D:[/b] Yes, well, I've heard enough. I've considered the applicant's credentials, and I've come to a decision. I have declined the Pianists entry into our school.
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] Wait, weren't we putting you to the test?
[b]Mistress D:[/b] Probably, but who's counting.
[b]Lady Marmalade:[/b] You're being unfair!
[b]Mistress D:[/b] Booh Hoo! You didn't even want him to come here! Cry me a river and then teach our dunce pupil J.T how to do it properly.
[b]Lady Marmalade:[/b] It's the principle.
[b]Mistress D:[/b] I'm the principal.
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] She was using another meaning of the word prinicipal.
[b]Mistress D:[/b] You make me want to cry.
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] Dang, how is our Pianist going to become and evil genius now that you won't take him?
[b]Mistress D:[/b] I didn't, I accepted him.
[b]Daddy Dots: [/b]Accepted him? You just said you rejected him, crazy old magpie!
[b]Mistress D: [/b]Yes, and considering we're an evil school, and require all our students to fraudelently gain tuition from us, being declined is being accepted.
[b]Daddy Dots:[/b] This school is mad insane!
[b]Mistress D: [/b]It sure is. Welcome aboard, now get the fuck off our property you tresspassers...
[b]
In the next episode:[/b] Timmy "the Pianist" Asgard takes his first look at the school, and makes some new friends. But does he like what he sees?[/color]

[Guest Gun Preacher]

i like this a lot it has a comedy simaliar to flcl to me

and the fact that its a reverse version of sky high is even better cant wait to read more and the only advice i have is keep the funny.