Writing Damnit, DW, Post The Thread Already! [PG-LV]

[Dragon Warrior]

[center][size=3][b]Damnit, DW,[/size]
Post The Thread[/b]
[size=5]Already![/size][/center]

The following is an anthology of rather short, unusual stories that I randomly come up with. They're either too stupid to comprehend or [i]you're[/i] too stupid to comprehend [i]them[/i]. Either way, they'll all most likely be comical (depending on your sense of humor, I suppose) and contain some moral at the end. The title of this anthology was given when I couldn't decide on a name and The Boss was becoming rather impatient with me not posting the thread. So now, I give you... [b]Damnit, DW, Post The Thread Already![/b]...

[CENTER][size=3]Story I[/size]
[SIZE=5]Thinking Outside The Box[/size][/CENTER]

[size=1]My name is Frederick and I am a bum. I live in the alleys of this small, run-down town, eating out of McDonalds dumpsters and sleeping in the Subway bathroom. My life is simple and not much happens. That is, until one day, I saw her.

She was the most perdiest hobo I had ever seen. The spaghetti stains on her coat matched her pants perfectly and the mud caked in her hair was overwhelming. Her elegant walk--the one where she hobbles on one leg--made me weak in my knees. She was absolutely whimsical. The very second I saw her, the most beautiful poetry streamed from my lips. Such angelic lines as, "I'd like to get into her cardboard box," came to mind. I had to talk to her.

So I approached her. If there was one thing I knew, it was how to pick up a girl, so I quickly selected one of my best pick up lines. I came up to her in my "No Fat Chicks" shirt, acting rather charming and said, "Your father must've been retarded because you are special." I gave her a wink.

Okay, so it wasn't one of my best lines. Lucky for me, though, she didn't hear because she was picking something out of her ear. Instead, she gave me a toothless grin and offered part of her fishhead. It may have been the toxic fumes coming out of the powerplant next door, but I felt funny and I figured it was love. I happily took the fishhead and offered her a ride back to my box. She accepted and I showed her to my shopping cart.

When we got to my place, I noted my box had either washed away in the rain or the garbage men had their route today. "Oh well, baby," I said with my style that was as slick as the slime growing on my shoe, "we don't need that pile."

"Sorry, Fred," she said disdainfully. "If there ain't no home, you sleep alone."[/size]

[b]Moral:[/b] Stay in school, yo!

[Zen]

[color=darkred][size=1]

*Stewie Griffin laugh*

Spot on, Spot on.

I really enjoyed the read. The humor was, while pretty dirty, whitty. I loved the line [b]"Your father must've been retarded because you are special."[/b]

That took imagination, because I've never heard that one before. Haha. I do look forward to new things.

Keep 'em comin', Damon.[/color][/size]

[Ellerby]

[color=#555555][FONT=Tahoma]Haha, awesome.

That little story has inspired me to write a poem for my current crush. It'll be similar to that one poem you made about the girl who's alright.. uh.. yeah.

Anyways, that was great. Particularily the last line. I expect more. T'was baby-eatin' good. :whoops:[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Katana]

[size=1][color=royalblue]Ha...that was great. Still confusing in the beginning, though, where it's sort of like, "It's a blob that lives in an underground society that's advanced like us and they're all hobos and -" *dies from lack of breath*
Etc.

The moral is spot-on. Remeber children, if you don't stay in school, you'll be a poor hobo with no cardboard box to sleep in at night. Pity. =P

And the name of the thread is perfect. =D

[quote name='White][color=#555555][FONT=Tahoma]T'was baby-eatin' good. :whoops:[/FONT'][/COLOR][/quote]
Random Fact: The cuter the creature, the better it must taste. Right? So veal tastes good. Babies must be mouth-watering. :3[/color][/size]

[Dragon Warrior]

[CENTER][size=3]Story II[/size]
[SIZE=5]A Guy, A Girl, And Two Completely Different Stories[/size][/CENTER]

[size=1]I peer over at her.
She smiles.
YES, I'm in the zone.
I flash her a smile back, just to let her know I'm interested.
And oh, baby, yeah, am I interested.
"Oh, yeah, she digs me," I say to myself under my breath.
Time to make the move.
I'm wearing my new shoes.
They may squeak on this floor, but that's the squeak of determination, baby.
She's checking me out.
I see how her eyes are moving up and down me.
Time to throw out my best line.
I let it slip across my lips.
Oh yeah, it's as slick as my gel-laden hair.
I see her smile again. I am so in.
[i]Oh, yeah, she digs me.[/i]

Oh, no. He's looking at me again.
I better smile.
He's still smiling and it's getting weird.
Ugh, what's that in his teeth?!
Oh, great, he's talking to himself.
Typical guy--he thinks he's in "the zone."
Oh, no, I attracted him. He's coming over.
Someone help me. Where's the bouncer?
Oh, goodness! That horrible squeak!
It's like someone's throwing screaming kittens into some large shredder.
And what is he wearing? Polka-dots?
How the hell did I miss that catastrophe before?!
Oh, no, he's here now.
Here comes the pick up line.
Wow, I can't believe he just said that!
Did he insult my mother somehow?
I smell something gross.
I can't tell if it's his hair gel or a truck of burning roadkill broke down outside the club.
I've got to get him out of here.
I better just smile and make this as quick as I can.
I bet he still thinks he's in.
[i]Oh, yeah, I so don't dig him.[/i][/size]

[2010DigitalBoy]

The first one was great and I thought was really cute. For some reason I almost want to imagine the hobos as chibis... anywho, the 'romantic' lines were just freaking hilarious! Totally awesome, and the main character is admirably clueless. Tis a shame the ending couldn't be a happy one, but I think it's better this way. Maybe the hobo will learn a lesson from this.

The second one is okay, but not really all that funny... it eresembles things I have viewed on the television and is therefore uninteresting to me. On the other hand, I shake with fear imagining it may turn out like a certain Sublime song...

[Dragon Warrior]

[size=1]Haha, you're safe. I really don't listen to Sublime amazingly ;) But thank you for the comments. That goes for all of you.[/size]

[CENTER][size=3]Story III[/size]
[SIZE=5]Reading's For Yellabellies[/size][/CENTER]

[size=1][i]The following is a story that takes place in an alternate dimension where reading materials were not invented. Oddly enough, we are at the same place we are now, just minus the reading materials. Go figure. Don't question it, just read on...[/i]

I saw Marty in the park, sitting on a bench not reading a newspaper. Since they did not exist, Marty instead occupied himself with other frivalous things. "Hey, Marty, whatcha doin'?" I asked, sitting down next to him.

"Trying to put my bike together," he replied. "But it's so gosh-darn hard! I don't know how to do it. Sometimes I wish there was something out there that explained stuff."

"Now that just sounds crazy, Marty," I chuckled.

"I'd call it a manual or something. Manual because I'm a man and ual is just a cool-sounding word."

"Ual isn't a word," I informed him.

"Then what are the holidays, Peter? Not yuletide? Are they boringtide? Certainly not Tide Tide. I use that stuff on my laundry."

"Yeah, Tide does clean my whites pretty well."

"And it's cheaper than its competitor brands."

"I used to be a Downy man."

"Well, congrats, man. You've joined the Tide Side."

"I'm glad."

"Me too." Marty looked down at his bike and pondered for a moment. "I forgot what we were talking about."

"Yeah, me too," I replied.

"Say, wanna go for a bike ride?"

"Sure, let's go!" I hopped on my bike and started riding away. Marty hopped on his and followed, but since he never finished it, it fell apart and he came crashing to the ground.

"Damnit," he swore. "I need a manyule."[/size]

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1]Interesting, most interesting.

I really have to admit Gavin that these are simply brilliant, as in brilliant in their relative simplicity. Each in their own was has been immensely amusing, but my favourite has to be the second one. I can just imagine that scene between a friend of mine and a girl he was interested in, spot on.

Look forward to more.[/SIZE]

[2010DigitalBoy]

The yella bellied one was great, simply for being so increadily short and random. The whole thing about laundry detergent was great, and the term 'Tide Side' makes me laugh. I wonder what it would be like in an alternate dimension without reading materials... poor Marty XD

[Dragon Warrior]

[size=1]Hah, thanks. And yeah, Gavin, I think we all know someone who's been in that situation ;)[/size]

[CENTER][size=3]Story IV[/size]
[SIZE=5]Pigland[/size][/CENTER]

[size=1]Once upon a time, far off in a magical place called Pigland, Jack was sitting peacefully on his porch on his humble pig farm. That's when Farmer Mike arrived with his prized pig, Willders. "Howdy, Jack," Mike said, approaching the porch.

"Afternoon," Jack replied, tipping his straw hat. "What can I do you fer?"

"I have a proposition to make. You breed your pig Josh with my pig Willders."

"Josh is a boy pig."

"I know."

"So is Willders."

"Oh! Right," Mike said. "I meant breed Willders with your chicken Andrea."

"They're two differ'nt species."

"Umm... I knew that. I was just testin' you. I really want to breed Willders with Jake your big horse."

"Are you retarded?"

"Muh first grade teacher did say I was a little slow."

"Jake is a horse and a boy."

"I didn't say Jake. Did I say Jake? I meant I want Willders to breed with... umm... uhh..." Mike looked around and spotted a portrait of Jack's mom hanging proudly near the door. "... yer ma?"

Moments later, there were several gunshots and Mike was chased off the farm. Jack stopped at his property boundaries and shouted, "Yer lucky yer my father or I'd shoot you fer insultin' our ma!"[/size]

[2010DigitalBoy]

Ah, that one was good. Retarded southerners are always worth a good laugh. For reasons undefined, it always cracks me up when hillbillies talk about being married to their daughters and mothers and such. At least Jack seems to have some sense... I am reminded of Squidbillies.

[Dragon Warrior]

[size=1]Hehe, you forget, though. They're not from the South. They're from Pigland :D[/size]

[CENTER][size=3]Story V[/size]
[SIZE=5]Batter To The Bone[/size][/CENTER]

[size=1]I awoke in a daze staring about at my surroundings, which were mostly made up of assorted trash. I jumped at a sudden noise that echoed around the garbage can I was in. I recognized the voice. "Josh? Is that you?" I whispered.

"Darn tootin'!" replied a waffle in the corner. It was true. It was my best friend Josh the Belgian Waffle. "Looks like we were tossed."

"No!" I cried. "I'm too young to die! I'm such a hot, little pancake with my buttery surface and soft, doughy insides and mouth-watery-"

"Okay!" Josh interrupted. "Shuddup before I toss my blueberries."

"Sorry."

"I reckon first things first." The waffle waddled over to me and seated himself on a Pepsi bottle cap. "We escape."

"And then what?"

"I dunno."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I dunno."

"After we escape, what will we do?"

"How 'bout we make our own sitcom?"

"Josh, we're a pancake and a waffle. How can we get our own sitcom?"

"Like this..."

A week later, a new show would premier on Fox Tuesdays called "Batter To The Bone" about two rebel breakfast meals living a hard-knock life in New York City. This is how it begins...

"Josh, I'm home," said Gavin the Pancake, followed by the audience cheering for his entrance. He walked over and hung up his flapjacket on the coatrack.

"Yer late," Josh the Belgian Waffle grumbled.

"Well, we've got a new detective in the office. A hard-boiled private eye. Calls himself Egg." The audience chuckles at the joke about an egg and being a hard-boiled detective. Gavin waits for the laughter to cease before he says, "What a funny yoke." The audience laughs again and the commercial break starts. The show was cancelled two days later.[/size]

[2010DigitalBoy]

Once again, you have yet to cease to amaze me. i have no idea how you could've possibly come up with something so different, crammed it into such a small space, and made it good, but you did. Upon realizing that the speaker was a pancake, it officially gained the stamp of awesomeness. Just the little things... like the waffle sitting on a pepsi bottle cap, made it great. The sitcom part was wierd and random and the ending came from nowhere. Melikes.

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1]Have to admit Pigland left me holding my sides I was laughing so hard, I don't know what it was about it that was so funny, perhaps the fact my family were farmers for a long time but I just found it so hilarious. Batter to the Bone was OK, but I don't know, I just didn't find it all that funny, especially compared to the previous story. Just OOC were Josh and Gavin based on You and Shy or Me and Shy, or just two pastries called Josh and Gavin ?[/SIZE]