Writing Demon of the South. [M-VLS]

[Aberinkula]

WARNING: Some sexual content further in the story. Caution will be always needed because you never know.

Chapter 1: Prince Hijar Maroon


[img]http://img483.imageshack.us/img483/3134/tek06073142fa97ax9.png[/img]
Hijar

Princess Tala


[img]http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/6083/tek060731719c74du8.png[/img]




Scourge of the clouds

[img]http://img483.imageshack.us/img483/456/tek060731227714ds9.png[/img]

Kingdom Maroon was always peaceful. Trees lined the castle. A beautiful stting none the less. but the kingdom was neighboring another. Kingdom Cresent, was a boring street life town located south of maroon Castle. Prostitutes ran the streets. The king and queen was a word least used by this kingdom.

The story begins with prince Hijar Maroon wandering those streets looking for someone.

"Hard to believe that sis was banished to this place." Said Hijar. The wind blew solemnly in the alley he was in. Soon after his sister Tala Maroon ran into the alley. "Bro, I think we've found her." Behind Tala was a man. He is known as the Scourge of the clouds. A true legend in Maroon kingdom. As well as Tala and Hijar's best friend. They call him DC.

"I think she is in the alley near us in some building called "The hottie hut"." Said DC. DC looked at Hijar. Hijar had a red scarf, blue jeans, whitish blue shoes, and blue eyes. Looking at him you would think calm. But deep inside he is a jerk. He was strong for a thirteen year old. he approached his sister. "Come now." He said. "We have to go to this hottie hut."

tala had simple clothes on. Skimpy clothes but no one seemed to mind. "Okay then, Hijar, DC. Lets go."

As they were aproaching the alley a man in a coat came near them. "Don't go in there. People come in but don't come out. Unless they are a member." The man was dressed in a cloak. Nothing more but a cloak. His other features could not be seen. "Our sister is in there. So mind your buisness." yelled Hijar. "Then take my membership card." Said the man.

Hijar opened the door. He lookled back at Tala, then DC, he then looked at the man. But the man wasn't there. he looked in the door to see a man with spider legs. There was also a woman who apeared to be a striper. The club had a bar.

"Well. She isn't there." Said Hijaar. "Well then lets go." replied DC. Suddennly wings came out of his back. Hijar and Tala got on his back. DC turned intoa dragon. Then flew away.

TO BE CONTINUED...
_________________________________________________________

Well it may not seem up to the rating but later on you will see why. Coments, Criticism, Crituque. Anything would be a help to jake up the story.

[2010DigitalBoy]

Okay.... I get the extreme impression that your copying me, to the point that you're practically ripping me off. I mean... a kingdom at peace, a neighboring kingdom, said kingdom being trashy with prositutes and the like... I feel like I'm reading my story except this time it's being drawn in crayon by a 3rd grader.

I will say this - this is definitely better than that Dark Blade or whatever it was called.

Look, I know it's boring to write but you gotta be more descriptive! Okay, you did say what they're wearing, but you said it in a very bland way, almost like your were just saying 'he wore pants.'

For starters, what in the hell is going on here?! We've been randomelyy thrown into a scene with a prince following his sister into an alley, with no explaination of why shes here at all. Then this other character is introduced who was first said to be behing Tala, but then he says she's in the building? I can't quite place exactly where everyone is.

You don't really tell us what everyone's doing... it's like your imagining all of this, but not conveying it well enough for us to perceive. Youve said that they went into the bar but no one was apparently there and so this guy turns into a dragon and they fly off? Did they find what they were looking for? I don't understand. And why did that guy just GIVE them his card?

Okay, I know I told you to look at others' works and try and form a style, but it looks like all you've copied are ideas. Let me put this lightly... your writing needs a LOT of work.

[DeadSeraphim]

[size=1][color=indigo][font=arial][quote name='Tical Blue']Okay.... I get the extreme impression that your copying me, to the point that you're practically ripping me off. I mean... a kingdom at peace, a neighboring kingdom, said kingdom being trashy with prositutes and the like... I feel like I'm reading my story except this time it's being drawn in crayon by a 3rd grader.[/quote]
Believe it or not, those story elements aren't unique to your own smut-fest. True story.

Dude, I'm not going to say this is a masterpiece. It's got it's high points and it's got a lot of low points, but if you worked on it with the intent of making it the best it could be, it has potential. The main problems I see are there's no reasoning behind anything. You haven't fleshed anything out - for exmaple, why can DC become a dragon, man, what mystical skillz does he have? We do not know this. We are left to assume that he is merely a bad motherfucker.

Your description needs work too. It's great to see that you tried, but I've never known a wind to blow solemnly. That said, the concept of a princess being banished to the slums is pretty groovy (though you'd have to flesh out [i]why[/i]), and just the name 'Scourge of the Clouds' has me wondering why he's called Scourge of the Clouds [i]and[/i] why they're looking for him, They either badly need them, are stupid, or both. This I would like to know.

Anyway, with some elbow grease (maybe use orphans, they have a lot of elbows) you could make this a lot better. You have some interesting ideas here, I think you should just need to sit down and spend time with it to get it as good as you can. Try to keep in mind that, even if you know what's going on in the story, the reader isn't aware of your thinking behind the plot points.[/font][/color][/size]

[Aberinkula]

Actually this prostitution ring is a lot more than it seems. These hookers have a secret that will cause a war. Plus the kingdom idea was from my last novel before your princess of blue. And the random scene in an ally is what sets off the story. What's going thursts the reader to know. Chapter 5 got pretty discriptive.
The kingdom is not trashy. t's a slum area inside the kingdom. The real kingdom is underground. Many of the secrets lie in the place the character's were.

tala was not in the building. As chapter 2 states he has a sister. A kingdom at peace. it is not. It's just prtrayed that way to hide the secrets. In the next chapters (Round # 8 or so) The villian is found out to be a killer. And the "prostitution ring" she is in is actually a lie that the queen made up. She really wants Hijar to KILL the princess. Not find her.

And that man is actually to be revealed later on. You see sometimes a story needs the element of surprise. The man wanted hijar to see the spider like man in the building. he happens to be the villian. i will explain the plots later. But anyways the first couple of chapters are like nya so so. but later on I will try my best to create a great story. Chapter 5 is kind of whoa. Hijar loses his virginity lets keep it to that.

The Demon of the south will be Hijar. This so called rescue will become a battle to save the kingdoms. I admit it sounds like your story but later on the truth sets in. There really is no prostitution. it happens to be a murderous maniak making women do his bidding. Just strsp yourself in and wait for the ride. It will turn out soon.

[2010DigitalBoy]

[QUOTE=Split Keyblader]Actually this prostitution ring is a lot more than it seems. These hookers have a secret that will cause a war. Plus the kingdom idea was from my last novel before your princess of blue. And the random scene in an ally is what sets off the story. What's going thursts the reader to know. Chapter 5 got pretty discriptive.
The kingdom is not trashy. t's a slum area inside the kingdom. The real kingdom is underground. Many of the secrets lie in the place the character's were.

tala was not in the building. As chapter 2 states he has a sister. A kingdom at peace. it is not. It's just prtrayed that way to hide the secrets. In the next chapters (Round # 8 or so) The villian is found out to be a killer. And the "prostitution ring" she is in is actually a lie that the queen made up. She really wants Hijar to KILL the princess. Not find her.

And that man is actually to be revealed later on. You see sometimes a story needs the element of surprise. The man wanted hijar to see the spider like man in the building. he happens to be the villian. i will explain the plots later. But anyways the first couple of chapters are like nya so so. but later on I will try my best to create a great story. Chapter 5 is kind of whoa. Hijar loses his virginity lets keep it to that.

The Demon of the south will be Hijar. This so called rescue will become a battle to save the kingdoms. I admit it sounds like your story but later on the truth sets in. There really is no prostitution. it happens to be a murderous maniak making women do his bidding. Just strsp yourself in and wait for the ride. It will turn out soon.[/QUOTE]

But, dude, no one knows this but you!

For starters, you need to make things more prominent. If you were to bring up the spider guy later in the story, no one would remember him from earlier. You only mentioned him breifly as if he were 100 percent NPC. If he matters, make him matter, as he is curently toally forgetable.

Also, if the kingdom isn't really at peace, don't say it is. You could say it 'appears' to be at peace or something, but if you say the kingdom is at peace, it'll be confusing that it isn't, or seem cheesy at least. Also, you described the ovther kingdom as being 'brimming with prostitues'. Even if it's just one city, you did say the KINGDOM.

Also, is or isnt Tala his sister? Because if their looking for another sister, its confusing having this one around unless you at least say that there are 2 sisters.

As for the trenchcoat man coming back later, once again, he was so unmemorable that it wont be any kind of surprise.

Also, DeadSeraphim, I only compared to his story because a.) me and him have been sharing our stories with each other b.) he used the same character design system I did and posted in on Gaia like I did c.) he's my story's biggest fan.

[Aberinkula]

okay I have decided to post chapter 2 through 4. So i can get you guys up to par on the story. Don't read them all at once if you don't want to. Come back later then read the next one.


Chapter 2: The adventuring begining


[img]http://img483.imageshack.us/img483/3349/tek060731e18d95mx8.png[/img]
No face

As hijar, Tala, and DC came back to te castle the queen spoke to them.

"Mom what do you need?" Asked Tala. "Well daughter, son. your sister is ina prostitution ring." Replied the queen. "that is why I wanted you to look for her. Find her bring her back. She must be brought back. your sister Yulian will be joining you. She is waiting outside. First go to Valnar city and find directions to Stranthea Kingdom. My advisor has found that your sister resides there. Now go get your weapons and go to your sister. good luck."

The 3 went to their rooms and got their weapons. They walked to the area of the castle where Princess Yulian was located. The clouds grew dark with resentment.

"Well are you guys redy?" Asked Yulian. "Ya we are." Replied Tara. "Good then off to the city you go." "But sis I thought you were going to come to?" "Mom always wants me to come with you." She replied. But I'm going to just give you a map." Their sister was always dressed in pink. She was always lazy and gave crap to noboby. Her eyes were always angry. but she wasn't rude, just lazy.

"Well see you later then." Tala said.

DC turned into the dragon once more. Flying off. "The map says to go to the southern checlkpoint." Said Hijar.

The clouds roared back at them. With anger. They landed and waited til nightfall.

_________________________________________

Warning: Some sexual content.

Chapter 3 :The Demon of the Clouds' true identity, Fight against no face.

[img]http://img483.imageshack.us/img483/7800/tek060801a35372np9.png[/img]

DC's true form.

Hijar woke up that morning soon after. He noticed his sister asleep. But DC was gone. "Tala wake up." Said Hijar. "i'm up." Tala replied. "DC is gone. We have to look for him." "Okay I have to get my stuff." Replied Tala. she got out a plushie, angelbow and a whip. She snaped the whip then went to Hijar. Hijar had dressed up in his armor and had out his two swords. "Well lets go." Hijar said.

The two had reaced the top of a hill. They saw DC training. "Hey DC!" yelled Hijar. "Oh you guys." He replied solemnly. "I was just training. I saw a man near the camp, followed him and found myself here."

"Who was the man?" Asked Tala. "Well I don't know he had no face. But he did have on a tux." Hijar closed his eyes but could not think of who a no face person is.
Tala pondered but nothing came to mind. Then out of the blue twelve crows formed a circle around Hijar, Tala and DC.

"Well then if you don't know I could tell you." Said a mysterious voice. hijar looked at him. He had no face. It was indeed the man DC chased. "I have no name. i choose no face. I can talk but only because I have a small almost invisable mouth. your sister Uriay, hijar is doing good as the bosses prostitute. I've indeed had my taste of her." hijar held out his sword. "She may be a bitch. But she's my sister. Oh, who am I kidding. I hate her guts."

No face walked toward Hijar but stopped cold. "No way will I allow you to touch them." Said DC. Dc jumped back and stuck his javelins into the ground. He glowed Red then jumped into the air. Like lightning he shoked the others. He transformed into a man that Tala could not resist. he had chains flow around him. As a sword glowed silver. His shoes still the same. but his pants transformed. Surely his true for unleashed.

"So if it isn't Sephnare's brother Ferrill." hijar and Tala stared blankly at no face. "Who?" Asked Tala. "Why none other then the pimp that Uriay works for. He is kind but to you he'd rather kill." Replied no face as he laughed.

"Well guys I guess you know my real name." Snapped DC as he flew towords no face. No face threw one of his pown lances at Ferrill. It pierced Ferrill"s skin and tore open his body. But it did not stop him. He jolted again at no face. Smashed him to the ground. But no face suddenly poofed away. The real no face hopped on Ferrill, puched him then jumped on the ground.

Undaunted, Ferrill flew into the air once more. The chains orbiting him flew at no face. The chains grabbed him. "How do like being tied up." Said ferrill sarcasticly. He then chucked no face into the air. he realesed one of his chains. But the other one brought no face higher. Higher, higher, and higher. "Well once bitten I bite back." Thought no face. Ferrill's chain stopped. the surroundin area was silent. As the clouds shifted, the sun move, the birds flew, as hijar and Tala looked up. The chain started moving. But down. No face was falling and falling. The speed of the drop was stupendious. No face smashed into the ground. The earth crumbled in his wake.

Silence once again took the scene. but this time the sun stopped, the clouds stopped, the bird stopped, or so it seemed.

"Fool do you think I die that easily." laughed no face. "Well then say ello to my little friends." Suddenly 10 no faces attacked Ferrill. He calapsed. "Well no matter how many of you pop up, I will still win." Said Ferrill. Fire cought. An orb of fire grew over Ferrill and the no face clones. They all died. After the flames stopped Ferrill looked at the real no ace. He then shot his cloak at no faced. No face suffocatted to death. "So much for undeffeatable." laughed Ferrill.

Hijar and Tala stared at Ferrill. He turned and moaned. "Did you just moan?" Asked Hijar. "Yes." Replied Ferrill. "What were you moaning about?" "Well, I havn't faught in a while. So I kind of let out a pleasure moan. I used to kill for my own pleasure."
Hijar stared still at Ferrill. Well then... let's have breakfast." Said Hijar as he sighed. "Sorry it felt good to kill someone again. Damn. I swore on my life I wouldn't kill again. it was to protect you so it doesn't matter."

Ferril turned back. "But still call me DC. I think it suits me better."

_________________________________________________

Chapter 4:New ally. And the fight against Rakshad's lackeys.

[img]http://img205.imageshack.us/img205/7686/tek060803325894vi9.png[/img]

Kiaminay Tinselgai

[img]http://img227.imageshack.us/img227/7936/tek0608035ebe99ms1.png[/img]
Blackened Lackey

[img]http://img103.imageshack.us/img103/1513/tek060803cd6634pe6.png[/img]
Purpled lackey

[img]http://img147.imageshack.us/img147/591/tek060803e27f83lx4.png[/img]
Red Lackey

[img]http://img205.imageshack.us/img205/4662/tek060803e79993ui4.png[/img]


After a day of training everyone got up to leave. They ventured to another checkpoint. Thus marking there half way mark. "So where are we headed?" Asked DC. "Well we are heading to Valar kingdom. We are half way. But it will take more time than it did to come here." "Why Hijar?" Asked Tala. "Well there are the Forgotten hills. Plus the lake of Valar." "So in other words it will be one wild ride?" Asked DC. "You don't know the half of it." Replied Hijar.

They headed off after a good meal. They ate turkey. Extravagent beefstew with toasted sandwhiches. Lobster and most specialy the drinks. Soda pop was all settled in their stomachs. they reached a small treeline. Hijar went to the bathroom behind a bush. Unkown to him the bush had a hole. DC covered Tala's eyes to hide her view of the horror. They moved on.

The lush valleys stopped Tala. She admired the new land. Because she had never left the kingdom she brought a camera to acomadate her travels. The group stopped at a rock.

"What do we do now?" Asked Hijar. he looked at the others. they shrugged and nodded no. "Maybe we can fly over that thing.!" "No we can't." Said DC. "I can't fly in my real form. It will take a week before my false body returns." "Why the hell does the wrighter have to be such a story twister?" Asked Hijar. "well without them the story woulb be boring." Replied tala. "I see. Well I guess we have to climb." "Hell no." Replied DC.

Just then a scream for help broke out. Suddenly a girl came from nowhere and charged into Hijar. They both fell down.

"Help me. A man is attacking me." She said. "But your holding weapons." Replied Hijar. "Well there are 8 of them." yelled the girl back. Sudddenly another character entered the scene. A group of them to be exact. 4 were dressed in black. 2 in purple, and 1 in red. "Well I guess we might have our hands full." Said Tala. Dc threw his spear at 2 of the black ones. They died. "Why was that so easy?" ASked DC to himself.

Hijar jumped at the red one. he was not so easy to kill of. he threw himself at Hijar. Knocking him down. "Damn this one is strong." Said Hijar. Hijar thrusted himself forword. Using his swords to stop himself. He then bolted at the red colored enemy. Bursting energy from his swords. Falling down the red enemy died.

DC killed the last 2 of the black ones. Tala's problem was being handled well. She shot her bow and whiped the purple ones with all her might. Wraping them around and strangling them at the waist. "Need a spanking?" She yelled as she threw them into the air. She jumped into the air. She smacked their bottoms.Thus they welted. And died due to no air in their bodies. "Well that's taken care of she said as the others stared at her.

"Thanks but that was only 7. The man cahsing me made those creatures toi kill. I'm supposed to be his bride. but Screw that.!!!" She hollared. A man spider legs entered the scene. "Princess! Get your fine ass over here." The man yelled. "So thats him?" Asked Hijar. "Yes." The girl replied. "Princess finally." The man said. Hijar kicked dirt into his face.

"What the hell is that about?!" He asked. "Your not gonna marry this girl. Ummmmmm whoever you are." "Well I'm Rakshad. Bad to meet you." He replied rubbing his eyes. The girl jumped on him. "Well princess. you are a whore." He yelled. "Ass. anyway get out of here or I will kill you." She yelled. "Get off!" He elled as he lifted the girl. He tossed her off of him.

Hijar threw swords at Rakshad's cape. "That will hold him down!" He yelled. DC took his spear and stabbed Rakshad's head. "Damn it. You asses." He yelled as he wraithed in pain. Tala shot an arrow at him. "sJust wanted to do it too." "Okay then. Anyways get off this girl's case." Said Hijar. "Okay just get me to a hospital." Requested Rakshad. As the man looked Hijar was walking away with the others. Rakshad fainted.

"Thank you you you hunk!!!!" The girl yelled. "Oh my name is Kiaminay Tinselgai. But just me Kia." She asked. "My name's Hijar. That girl is my sitster, Tala. And the person next to her is Ferrill. Just call him DC." "Well then can I join you guys?" Asked kia. "Well sure." Replied Hijar. He smiled at her. "What a pretty girl." Hijar thought to himself. The group and their newest friend walked into the horizon.

[2010DigitalBoy]

Ah... Jeez, where to start. First let me state that there are tons of spelling errors, but I feel I have no right to complain as I misspell all kinds of stuff.

Anywho, let's begin with the dialogue. As I told you in the PM about CH5 the dialogue is totally unrealistic. This is especially true in the 4th chapter. People who are in the middle of battle don't speak as if in mid-conversation, and by no means does anyone say the word ass that many times. In fact, the spider dude actually said. "Ass." WTF does that mean?!

Your characters do not act like regular people. They go into each situation like it's normal, regular crap and thy seem totally unphased and uninterested. They have no emotions, apparently, either. Their reactions to DC's true identity was totally underwhelming considering he is their best friend. Also, why does Hijar apparently hate the sister he is trying to save?

While on the subject of your characters, I don't care about them. They're all just totally uninteresting and unmemorable. Hijar seems like he's supposed to be the cliche leading male anime character, but he doesn't have enough showtime to support that. Tala just doesn't seem to have any personality whatsoever. DC is obviously a tank, but that's all we really know about him. The new girl seems to have a bit more personality, seeming to be the cute, spunky type, but her lines are just horrifying.

Now, as I said before, your descriptions have got a little better, but still - to be rank - are poor. Things just happen way to fast and don't give time to visualize or comprehend. for instance, the fight scenes are just like "he trew his chain and caught his leg. Then he threw him. But he got up and slashed." It's just not all that exciting to read. I actually got so bored during CH2 that I started skimming paragraphs.

Speaking of paragraphs, your formatting is confusing. At times I can't tell who is talking and due to some missing quotation marks, text and dialogue are sometimes confused. Try breaking pparagraphs at qutation marks or bolding them or something.

Keep practicing, dude. At the very least, you're getting better.

[Aberinkula]

[QUOTE=Tical Blue]Ah... Jeez, where to start. First let me state that there are tons of spelling errors, but I feel I have no right to complain as I misspell all kinds of stuff.

Anywho, let's begin with the dialogue. As I told you in the PM about CH5 the dialogue is totally unrealistic. This is especially true in the 4th chapter. People who are in the middle of battle don't speak as if in mid-conversation, and by no means does anyone say the word ass that many times. In fact, the spider dude actually said. "Ass." WTF does that mean?!

Your characters do not act like regular people. They go into each situation like it's normal, regular crap and thy seem totally unphased and uninterested. They have no emotions, apparently, either. Their reactions to DC's true identity was totally underwhelming considering he is their best friend. Also, why does Hijar apparently hate the sister he is trying to save?

While on the subject of your characters, I don't care about them. They're all just totally uninteresting and unmemorable. Hijar seems like he's supposed to be the cliche leading male anime character, but he doesn't have enough showtime to support that. Tala just doesn't seem to have any personality whatsoever. DC is obviously a tank, but that's all we really know about him. The new girl seems to have a bit more personality, seeming to be the cute, spunky type, but her lines are just horrifying.

Now, as I said before, your descriptions have got a little better, but still - to be rank - are poor. Things just happen way to fast and don't give time to visualize or comprehend. for instance, the fight scenes are just like "he trew his chain and caught his leg. Then he threw him. But he got up and slashed." It's just not all that exciting to read. I actually got so bored during CH2 that I started skimming paragraphs.

Speaking of paragraphs, your formatting is confusing. At times I can't tell who is talking and due to some missing quotation marks, text and dialogue are sometimes confused. Try breaking pparagraphs at qutation marks or bolding them or something.

Keep practicing, dude. At the very least, you're getting better.[/QUOTE]

i see all that you see. But hehe. Ummmmm ho do I split this into a couple of words. Well I shouldn't. Does the songle word "Sequal" mean anything to you? Yes there will be a sequal. But along a different route. Maybe an internet site explaining this should be in order? Should I? Well anyways, once the secret about this demon is unleashed Hijar will be changing a lot. From a prince into a legendary hero. etc etc etc.

[2010DigitalBoy]

Analogy time. Look... when a movie doesn't do well, it gets pulled from theatres, forgotten, and they don't make a sequal.

Your story does not need a sequal, it needs a makeover. The first five chapters of this story are without quality... they are not good. They need to be pulled from existance. Before you build onto this story, you need to fix what's here already. Even if your new chapters are great, it won't matter if the beginning sucks.

Keep your story, but retool it. As far as the 5 chapters Ive read go, don't even try to repair them, just totally redo them.

[Aberinkula]

[QUOTE=Tical Blue]Analogy time. Look... when a movie doesn't do well, it gets pulled from theatres, forgotten, and they don't make a sequal.

Your story does not need a sequal, it needs a makeover. The first five chapters of this story are without quality... they are not good. They need to be pulled from existance. Before you build onto this story, you need to fix what's here already. Even if your new chapters are great, it won't matter if the beginning sucks.

Keep your story, but retool it. As far as the 5 chapters Ive read go, don't even try to repair them, just totally redo them.[/QUOTE]

Well. i'll do it!!!!! But what about the later chapters? Keep um? Well anyways soon I will just get this locked up and restart ch 1-4.

[Aberinkula]

Could a moderator please close this up? The reason is I'm restarting Demon of the South. A new storyline, characters, etc.

So I would like to restart the thread. Thank you in advance.

-Split

[Revelation]

[color=#1874CD]In response to Split Keyblader's request, consider it closed.

[B]THREAD CLOSED[/B][/color]