Writing The Demon of the South [M-VLS]

[Aberinkula]

Okay all I have recreated the story Demon of the south. With a little help from Tical blue.
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Profiles

Once there was a kingdom. Kingdom Maroon. It appeared to be peaceful.

Two princesses were born, one with red hair, one with brown. They were named Princess Tala and Princess Uriay respectfully, and were the kingdom's only children until 1 year later. Named for the king's favorite fairy tale character was the red-haired Prince Hijar.

At the age of 5 the children brimmed with happyness and encouraging parents. But when they became 6 their father went missing. the family devastated. After that incident Princess Uriay started to get an attitude. At the age of 10 She was the most beautifyul of the childeren. Her eyes were blue. And her hair was long. She always wore a black shirt with a red skirt. but when she was eleven she tried to kill Prince Hijar. She was banished at the age of 15 when she was seen killing a peasent laying on the courtyard bench.

Now the Children well the last 2 children, are living peacful.

[align=center]Prince Hijar.[/align]

He was tall. He stood at 5 foot 7. Being a modern aged teenager he was mildly interested in women. His red hair spicked. He wore a headband. Even to the shower. His eyes were red as well. but a calming red. He wore a shirt. Sleevless shirt that was gray with a blu-flame at the bottom. His pants were blue with straps.
He wore sneakers. The sneakers were white and blue. Laceless.

His personality proved him a great prince. He had the balance of manners and fiery ruling. He was always cool tempered. Happy. But inside him he hated someone very much. His sister Uriay. He was glad to see her go. He had hoped that someone killed her. He was always depressed. Not mentaly but physicly. He was stronger than his father. But never stood tall enough to show the world who he is.
He makes friends pretty quick. But inside all that lies a jerk.

[align=center]Princess Tala.[/align]

She wasn't as tall as Hijar. Stood 5 foot 6 inches. Her teenage body is well developed. Her breasts were big. But not to big. Her hair was red. But she died it brown. Her hair has a pony-tail. Her eyes were blue. People always stared into her eyes. Her Shirt was blue. And her bra was blue as well. She wars a skort. A skort is a skirt with shorts. She wore panty hose. And her legs were as valumptuis as her body. She wore red gloves. Her sjoes were red with white stripes.

Her personality was completely different. She had terable manners. She wasn't rude just sloppy. She was gullable. Stubbern as well. When she walked the kingdom teenage men would ask her out. But she declined every time. She wasn't selfish. Due to the fact that she bought everything she wanted. She wasn't calm. She was hyper. joking was her talent. She also hates her sister for killing that peseant. She is strong hearted. But not strong. She was truly an encouragment to other teenage women around the kingdom.

[align=center]Scourge of the clouds.[/align]

This kids a big deal. He wears a cape to hide his face. But his hair is blue and his eyes white. He was born in another kingdom but was adopted by queen maroon.
He is 16. But he is truly 100. He is called scourge of the clouds by his kingdom. And kingdom maroon. But nobody {except the queen} knows why he is called what he is. He's called DC. his shirt is blue with buttons going down. He wears a belt with a buckle that says, "DC" Custom made by the local tailor. He wears black pants with pockets going all the way down. his shoes are blue to with small wings.

Nobody knows his personality. but he is kind to his friends Tala and Hijar. And to animals. He's always found with Tala and Hijar. Even at school. But who is he? Why is here called what he is? But he is able to turn into a dragon. Tala and Hijar know that. But don't tell people. He is 5 foot 8. he even has his own room in the castle. But despite his true age he has adapted to the modern world. He watches TV, plays video games, all that stuff. He has posters in his room. But for whatever reason he always keeps people away from his closet. He has a secret stash of magazinses. But Hijar knows. That shows the mag's are for guy's entertainment. but anyways he will develop as the story goes on.

Hijar, Tala and DC were sitting on the castle roof looking at the kingdom. Eating ice cream ant talking.

"Hey Tala?" Asked Hijar. "What." She replied. "Well I was wondering. Were you told to see mom later like I was?" He asked as he licked his spoon of chacolate ice cream. "Ya. Wonder what she wants?" "Well huh. DC what aboutt you?" Dc looked at hijar and shrugged. "Yes she did. I think. wasn't paying attention." Hijar stared at him. "Well okay." talastood up and went toward the door. "Well you to. I'm going to take a shower. And if that nerd Tom Jenny calls tell him I'm sleeping." "Will do sis." hijar replied. "Will you?" Asked DC. "No. I tell him she's showering. I also tell him there is a camera near the window. He falls for it." "hmmm well maybe you should tell him to stop calling." "Eh." Replied Hijar. "Well lets go take a shower to. But first lets take a trip to your closet." hijar then laughed. "Just kidding. Let's go"

Dc and Hijar went through the door.
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So there you all have it. The recreated Demon of the south. Enjoy.

[JJ]

[Size=1][Color=DarkSlateGrey]SK, it shows that you're trying to put more effort in, but you're still really falling short.

If you want this to really have a story feel to it, introduce the characters while you tell the story, not as a seperate part. It's actually quite annoying to have character profiles thrown at you with no idea where they're coming from.

Another thing is spelling. Do you Microsoft Word? If you do, use it to type your stories. It catches most spelling mistakes and can help with your syntax as well. Or at least copy/paste the finished copy there first. You can also ask around and see if someone'll correct it for you as well. I know most of my written stuff goes through my editor before I post it.

You're getting there and I applaude you for that. Just keep working at it and you'll get the hang eventually. ^__^[/color][/size]

[2010DigitalBoy]

Once again, I will not complian about your bad spelling, because I am a bad speller even with spellcheck.

Okay, regarding the first 2 paragraphs... you still haven't finished here. When I told you to combine your sentences I didn't mean just in the first paragraph, but in the whole chapter! The way all the sentences are fragmented almost makes it feel like you're listening to a news report.

Also, in the last paragraph, you need some paragraoh breaks. Each time a different character begins talking, it should be the start of a new paragraph.

this chapter is definetally a major step up from the origional, it just needs some fixing. You don't need to start over again, just tidy it up.

Also, save the profiles for a website >_>

[Aberinkula]

chapter 1: The begining.

Hijar and Tala walked into the throne room, DC trailed behind. The room was painted silver, and filled with old suits of armor. The throne was gold with red gems on te top, and red gems on the bottom. A maroon colored carpet went to the throne and led to the king and queen's bedroom.

Hijar sat, and the others did the same.

"Mother you called us? Asked Hijar. The queen turned around and stood. She was beautifu;, red-haid, and a great chest. She wore a skirt that was covered in gems. She wore red lipstick and eyeliner.

"Son I have called you here to tell you something. You know of your sister's banishment?" She asked. She stared at tala like she knew.

"We have always known since it happened." Tala answered.

"Well. I knew that. Anyway I want you 3 to search for her. The knights have last seen her at Cresent Kingdom." She sat back down.

"Okay mom, but isn't that the hooker kingdom?" Hijar waited for an amswer.

"Yes. But I have reason to believe that she has become a-"

"Prostitute." Said Hijar

"Yes. that will become really-"

"Annoying?" Hijar asked.

"Yes. Stop finishing my-"

"Food." Replied Hijar.

"Anyways. DC will turn into that dragon thing and bring you guys there. But Tala must first dress as a puppy. And take this false ID. She will be called "the prostitute. Then take it from there."

Tala stared at her mother. "Hell no." She replied.

"Then Hijar." She said.

Hijar shook his head. "No. DC who should be the prostitute?" Asked Hijar.

DC stood up and scratched his head. "Tala." he blurted.

"Then it's settled. The suit is in this ches." The queen brouht out a chest. Hijar started to laugh. DC was laughing. But hiding it. He startted to tear.

"Shut the fuck up." Tala yelled out.

"Well lets go" DC said. He transformed into a black dragon. Red spickes and blue wings started to form. "Hop on guys." He said. The dragon form of DC burst out of the kingdom and flew east.

"So then act like a dog and show nothing that would make us noticed. don't poop neither." Hijar jested. Tala llooked at him. She frowned then turned. The wind blew Hijar's scarf off. They continued. Off into the sunset they flew.

[JJ]

[Color=DarkBlue]Well, since all you did was check for spelling errors which you still missed, I'll do a basic copy edit to this for you because there's alot you need improve on and hopefully one or two things'll click for you.

A word of caution, as I've been told by my editor, when using an 'and', you don't need to use a coma. For example, [Quote]The room was painted silver, and filled with old suits of armor.[/Quote] There's alot of places and I'll try to point them all out as I go along.

[Quote]Hijar and Tala walked into the throne room, DC trailed(1) behind. The room was painted silver,(2) and filled with old suits of armor. (3)The throne was gold with red gems on te(4) top, and red gems on the bottom.(5) A maroon colored carpet went to the throne and led to the king and queen's bedroom.(6)[/Quote]

(1) Either try to find another way to word the sentance, or use a gerund. eg. DC trailing behind or With DC trailing behind them, Hijar and Tala walked into the throne room.

(2) With the coma here. Remember this.

(3) Jumping from the room to the throne, especially after giving such small description of the latter is kind of sudden. Try to flush out your description here a bit more, without overwhelming the reader.

(4) Spelling error, try 'the' ;)

(5) Syntax here my friend. The golden throne was decortated from top to bottom with red gems.

(6) Again, syntax. A maroon colored carpet stretched from the door to the entrances to the king and queen's bedroom, making a show of the thrones along the way.

[Quote]Hijar sat,(1) and the others did the same.(2)(3)[/Quote]

(1) ', and' Watch yourself.

(2) Syntax. 'Hijar sat and the others followed suit.' sounds much better.

(3) Where? Where did they sit? Details are your friends.

[Quote]"Mother you called(1) us?(2) (3)Asked Hijar. The queen turned around and stood.(4) She was beautifu;(5), red-haid(6), and a great chest(7). She wore a skirt that was covered in gems. She wore red lipstick and eyeliner.(8)(9)[/Quote]

(1) 'summoned' would be more appropriate, keep in mind, they're royalty.

(2) forgot the other quotation mark. ;)

(3) Don't capatalize after questions, unless it's a proper noun.

(4) How do you turn around and stand? Try, 'The queen regently stood to greet her children and their friend.' Another point here to consider is, no one ever sat in the presence of royalty, unless they were higher up than them.

(5) Spelling error. 'beautiful'

(6) Syntax 'had brown hair

(7) This last part is just trashy dude. You don't refere to a woman's breasts as a great chest. That's just rude. It's also quite insulting. Just don't make any mention of it, unless your writing porn. Then, find tasteful ways to refere to them.

(8) These last two sentances could be brought together. 'Wearing a gem-covered skirt, her matching red lipstick and eyeliner just brought out the beauty in the gems.'

(9) Once again, you really have trouble describing things. Textbook, she was wearing this, had this and this on and so on isn't interesting. There's alot of strategies you can use to make describing more fun for you and your reader. More after the corrections.

[Quote]"Son I have called(1) you here to tell you something. You know of your sister's banishment?" (2)She asked. She stared at (3)tala like she knew.[/Quote]

(1) 'summoned'

(2) No capitialization

(3) Capitalization

[Quote]"We have always known since it happened."(1) Tala answered.[/Quote]

(1) Syntax, syntax my friend. 'We have known the entire time'

[Quote]"Well.(1) I knew that. Anyway I want you 3 to search for her. The knights have last seen(2) her at Cresent Kingdom." She sat back down.(3)[/Quote]

(1) Coma, its an interjection, just not a strong one.

(2) 'saw her', watch your verb tenses.

(3) What does this have to do with her talking? Make that a seperate paragraph.

[Quote]"Okay mom, but isn't that the hooker(1) kingdom(1)?" Hijar waited for an amswer(2)(3).[/Quote]

(1) Is the hooker kingdom its nickname or real name?

(2) spelling 'answer'

(3) Again, no actions right after a quote, add in a 'questioned' or 'asked' then a coma then the action, being sure to use a gerund.

[Quote] "Yes. But I have reason to believe that she has become a-"

"Prostitute." Said Hijar(1)

"Yes. (2)that will become(3) really-"

"Annoying?" Hijar asked.

"Yes. Stop finishing my-"

"Food." Replied Hijar.(4)

"Anyways. DC will turn into that dragon thing and bring you guys there. (5)But Tala must first dress as a puppy. (6)And take this false ID(7). She will be called (8)"the prostitute(9)(10). Then take it from there."[/Quote]

(1) 'Hijar said' Syntax

(2) Capitalization

(3) Isn't it already annoying? Verb tense

(4) In general, these kinds of talks don't require action, it's obvious what's being done/said/asked.

(5) Try not to start a sentance with but

(6) Same with and

(7) Syntax again. 'First, Tala must dress herself up as a puppy and you should use this fake ID.'

(8) If she's got a fake ID and that's the name on it, she has to be called that, substitute 'should'.

(9) It's a proper noun, capitalize it. 'The Prostitue'

(10) Use apostrophe's when using quotes within a quote.

[Quote]Tala stared at her mother.(1) "Hell no." She replied.

"Then Hijar." She said.

Hijar shook his head.(2) "No. DC who should be the prostitute?" (3)Asked Hijar.

DC stood up and scratched his head.(4) "Tala." he blurted.

"Then it's settled. The suit is in this ches.(5)" The queen brouht(6) out a chest. Hijar started to laugh. DC was laughing. But hiding it. He startted(7) to tear.(8)

"Shut the fuck up." Tala yelled out.(9)[/Quote]

(1), (2), (4) Syntax, either work this the same way as I talked about earlier at the end of the sentance as a gerund, or put the dialog under the action.

(3) Syntax 'Hjar asked'

(5), (6), (7) chest, brought, started

(8) Once again, these could all be brought together into one sentance. 'Hijar began to laugh, DC silently joining him with tears forming in the corner of his eyes.'

(9) Gratuitous cussing, it's OK to a certain extent, but don't go overboard.

[Quote]"Well lets go" DC said. (1)He transformed into a black dragon. Red spickes(2) and blue wings started to form. (3)"Hop on guys." He said. (4)The dragon form of DC burst out of the kingdom and flew east(4).

"So then act like a dog and show nothing that would make us noticed.(5) don't(6) poop neither(7)." Hijar jested. (8)Tala (8)llooked at him. She frowned then turned.(9) The wind blew Hijar's scarf off.(10) They continued. Off into the sunset they flew.(11)[/Quote]

(1) New paragraph. Put more detail into his change.

(2) 'spikes'

(3) New paragraph

(4) New paragraph, how do you burst out of the kingdom? Is it really that small?

(5) Syntax. 'Act like a normal dog and don't do anything to bring unneeded attention upon yourself or us.'

(6), (7) Grammer/Capitalization, double negatives = baaaaad 'Don't poop either.'

(8) Spelling/Syntax 'looked' New paragraph

(9) Once again, combine your sentances. 'Tala looked at him frowningly, quickly turning away.'

(10) What does this have to with Tala? New paragraph

(11) New paragraph, more detail, all together. 'They continued, flying off into the sunset.'

It may seem like alot, but alot of it can fixed very easily. You're on your way, keep working at it.

PS: If you don't have a Word Processor and plan on actually continuing writing, I'd suggest downloading one. They're a huge help and they'll catch more than half of the mistakes I pointed out to you.

PPS: Tical, you're not helping at all the way you point things out. Either point 'em out right, or don't so it at all.[/color]

[Aberinkula]

[QUOTE=JJ][Color=DarkBlue][Size=1]Well, since all you did was check for spelling errors which you still missed, I'll do a basic copy edit to this for you because there's alot you need improve on and hopefully one or two things'll click for you.

A word of caution, as I've been told by my editor, when using an 'and', you don't need to use a coma. For example, There's alot of places and I'll try to point them all out as I go along.



(1) Either try to find another way to word the sentance, or use a gerund. eg. DC trailing behind or With DC trailing behind them, Hijar and Tala walked into the throne room.

(2) With the coma here. Remember this.

(3) Jumping from the room to the throne, especially after giving such small description of the latter is kind of sudden. Try to flush out your description here a bit more, without overwhelming the reader.

(4) Spelling error, try 'the' ;)

(5) Syntax here my friend. The golden throne was decortated from top to bottom with red gems.

(6) Again, syntax. A maroon colored carpet stretched from the door to the entrances to the king and queen's bedroom, making a show of the thrones along the way.



(1) ', and' Watch yourself.

(2) Syntax. 'Hijar sat and the others followed suit.' sounds much better.

(3) Where? Where did they sit? Details are your friends.



(1) 'summoned' would be more appropriate, keep in mind, they're royalty.

(2) forgot the other quotation mark. ;)

(3) Don't capatalize after questions, unless it's a proper noun.

(4) How do you turn around and stand? Try, 'The queen regently stood to greet her children and their friend.' Another point here to consider is, no one ever sat in the presence of royalty, unless they were higher up than them.

(5) Spelling error. 'beautiful'

(6) Syntax 'had brown hair

(7) This last part is just trashy dude. You don't refere to a woman's breasts as a great chest. That's just rude. It's also quite insulting. Just don't make any mention of it, unless your writing porn. Then, find tasteful ways to refere to them.

(8) These last two sentances could be brought together. 'Wearing a gem-covered skirt, her matching red lipstick and eyeliner just brought out the beauty in the gems.'

(9) Once again, you really have trouble describing things. Textbook, she was wearing this, had this and this on and so on isn't interesting. There's alot of strategies you can use to make describing more fun for you and your reader. More after the corrections.



(1) 'summoned'

(2) No capitialization

(3) Capitalization



(1) Syntax, syntax my friend. 'We have known the entire time'



(1) Coma, its an interjection, just not a strong one.

(2) 'saw her', watch your verb tenses.

(3) What does this have to do with her talking? Make that a seperate paragraph.



(1) Is the hooker kingdom its nickname or real name?

(2) spelling 'answer'

(3) Again, no actions right after a quote, add in a 'questioned' or 'asked' then a coma then the action, being sure to use a gerund.



(1) 'Hijar said' Syntax

(2) Capitalization

(3) Isn't it already annoying? Verb tense

(4) In general, these kinds of talks don't require action, it's obvious what's being done/said/asked.

(5) Try not to start a sentance with but

(6) Same with and

(7) Syntax again. 'First, Tala must dress herself up as a puppy and you should use this fake ID.'

(8) If she's got a fake ID and that's the name on it, she has to be called that, substitute 'should'.

(9) It's a proper noun, capitalize it. 'The Prostitue'

(10) Use apostrophe's when using quotes within a quote.



(1), (2), (4) Syntax, either work this the same way as I talked about earlier at the end of the sentance as a gerund, or put the dialog under the action.

(3) Syntax 'Hjar asked'

(5), (6), (7) chest, brought, started

(8) Once again, these could all be brought together into one sentance. 'Hijar began to laugh, DC silently joining him with tears forming in the corner of his eyes.'

(9) Gratuitous cussing, it's OK to a certain extent, but don't go overboard.



(1) New paragraph. Put more detail into his change.

(2) 'spikes'

(3) New paragraph

(4) New paragraph, how do you burst out of the kingdom? Is it really that small?

(5) Syntax. 'Act like a normal dog and don't do anything to bring unneeded attention upon yourself or us.'

(6), (7) Grammer/Capitalization, double negatives = baaaaad 'Don't poop either.'

(8) Spelling/Syntax 'looked' New paragraph

(9) Once again, combine your sentances. 'Tala looked at him frowningly, quickly turning away.'

(10) What does this have to with Tala? New paragraph

(11) New paragraph, more detail, all together. 'They continued, flying off into the sunset.'

It may seem like alot, but alot of it can fixed very easily. You're on your way, keep working at it.

PS: If you don't have a Word Processor and plan on actually continuing writing, I'd suggest downloading one. They're a huge help and they'll catch more than half of the mistakes I pointed out to you.

PPS: Tical, you're not helping at all the way you point things out. Either point 'em out right, or don't so it at all.[/size][/color][/QUOTE]

Tical helped better. I could actually understand him. Too many words. plus you used small print. My computer can't read that clearly.

[2010DigitalBoy]

[quote name='JJ][Color=DarkBlue][Size=1]PPS: Tical, you're not helping at all the way you point things out. Either point 'em out right, or don't so it at all.[/size'][/color][/quote]

For the record, he did ask for my help. And I don't want to write the story for him... he has to fix his mistakes his own way if he wats to learn *nods*

Awesome job, though!

[JJ]

Well, forgive me for trying to help better your writing SK. I really thought that by showing you not only where your mistake was, but why it was a mistake, you'd learn more than if I just pointed out that this and this was wrong.

I apologize and take my leave from the thread.

[Aberinkula]

[QUOTE=JJ]Well, forgive me for trying to help better your writing SK. I really thought that by showing you not only where your mistake was, but why it was a mistake, you'd learn more than if I just pointed out that this and this was wrong.

I apologize and take my leave from the thread.[/QUOTE]

Well syntax this. At least put the changes into a collected group at the end so I could get the complete feel for it. I'm happy you did it but I can't understand it hardl. And I'm smart.

[JJ]

*shakes head* You just totally contradicted yourself, tenfold. I needed a good laugh today, thanks.

Besides, it should be YOUR job to go through, look at what I corrected and decide whether or not it fits. Its your story after all. Besides, if I did all the work for you, then you'd never learn. ^_^

PS: Do you even know what syntax means?

[Aberinkula]

[QUOTE=JJ]*shakes head* You just totally contradicted yourself, tenfold. I needed a good laugh today, thanks.

Besides, it should be YOUR job to go through, look at what I corrected and decide whether or not it fits. Its your story after all. Besides, if I did all the work for you, then you'd never learn. ^_^

PS: Do you even know what syntax means?[/QUOTE]

Your welcome for the laugh. I guess. Anyways, I will put your post to good use in the future. That and thing should always be put to use.

Syntax has to do with construction with grammer. Thank god I remembered my dictionary. <_>

[Sakura]

[COLOR=Navy]Split Keyblader, in my opinion I sincerely think you should take JJ's advice since he actually [i]is[/i] a good writer, with several RPs (posts) and stories under his belt.

It actually [I]wouldn't[/I] help if he put it all together because how would you know where all those corrections would be. I haven't read this properly, but just by skimming it, I have spotted out many errors, most have been found by JJ. I probably wouldn't have gone through the whole thing like he did to annotate the errors then go and write corrections/improvements for them. But really, how hard was it to understand? I see that he used common language, not as if he used huge words that no one's heard of.

But honestly, looking at your posts hurts my head, and this isn't meant to be hateful. It's just a way of telling you that you really need to improve your spelling, vocabulary, grammar, punctuation, syntax and capitalisation. Because I've seen you around the RP area, and if you improve your story writing, it's guaranteed that your RPing will get better too since they're almost the exact same thing.

A major point to make is: descriptions are essential! One of the most important things after the technical stuff like spelling, grammar, syntax, etc.

Please try to improve, and this isn't us trying to be harsh as what Tical thinks, when you put up a story here, it means you're looking for comments, and with comments comes criticism, we call it [I]constructive[/I] criticism for a reason! It's supposed to help the author get better.

[quote name='Tical Blue']...he has to fix his mistakes his own way if he wats to learn...[/quote]

I'm not completely sided with you on this comment. Of course he has to learn to fix his own mistakes, but he can't do it on his own. If he [I]knew[/I] there were mistakes in it, obviously he would have editted it out himself, but no, he posted it here [I]full[/I] of errors, and these types of things need to be pointed out to people or else they'll never know, and their writing will forever remain the same.

*sigh* If you have Microsoft Word or any other processing program, I beg of you. PLEASE use it! And if you don't and don't know the spelling of a word, it never hurts to look it up, could be as simple as typing it in Google, or going to [url]www.dictionary.com[/url]. As for vocabulary, read books and try to remember the variety of terms they use to describe things, and use them. Also, another option is to go to [url]www.dictionary.com[/url] again and click the Thesaurus tab and that'll spurt [I]tons[/I] of words for you to use.

I truly hope to see an improvement in your writing, for your sake.[/COLOR]

[Aberinkula]

well then if you guys need something new to go on here's chapter 2.

Chapter 2: Search for a sister. As DC flew with Tala and Hijar on his back, the kingdom started to fade in the distance. A cold chill rested in the sky, flowing wind fallowed. The three looked down at the ground, beautiful waving hills gripped their hearts. Farms, towns, and even estates passed as DC flew by each location. A few minutes passed and in the distance, Kingdom Crescent was in view. The outer are was filthy and disease probably filled the streets. DC came to a halt at the gate. the others jumped off, DC transformed back. Hijar took a scarf out of his coat and put it on. "Thank god for pocket space," Hijar said. Tala stared at him and sighed. She sat down and her doggy ears plopped on her shoulders. Brown doggy ears to be precise. They chained the look of innocent by going down her head and body, the belly of the suit was white with fake dog nipples. The suit was one piece, so it looked like a pair of pajamas. Her legs were also "dogged" and her feet looked like paws. "Sorry Tala but I have to laugh." Jested Hijar. He started to laugh. "Dork." "Wouldn't talk. I remember seeing your baby pictures. Mister wavy butt." Tala smiled as Hijar complained. "Just because I have a big baby butt doesn't mean you have to criticize. Besides I like my butt." Hijar rolled his eyes and tried to take Tala's comment and make it go out one ear. "Well let?s go.? DC said. He went up to the gate and waited for a guard to open up. 1 minute passed and no reply from a guard. Another minute, then another. Finally, it got old. "If these people won't open up I guess I will have to force entry." DC kicked down the gate. "Shall we go on?" He asked. "Holy crap! How did he do that?" Asked Hijar to himself. "Anyways let?s go I'll ask later. For now let the search begin." Hijar went in. "Coming in Tala?" Asked DC. Tala nodded. "Let me just get my dignity." She got up, sighed and entered. As they got in the stench already reached. The streets were covered with paper scraps, trash and even old clothes. The buildings were covered in ivy from the bottom to the top. Toilets were trashed on sidewalks. It was truly a horrific sight. "Not to talk trash here but this place is a piece of crap with more crap in it." JHijar joked. "Brother your jokes get old fast." Tala replied. DC looked at Hijar, then at Tala. "Well you two, let?s go. Bickering is for two year olds." Hijar ran off. "We meet here if we find anything!" Hijar yelled. The others just nodded. "Well I'll check over west, DC." Tala said as she walked off. "Then east I go." DC whispered. He soon disappeared. Hijar was soon at the town square. "Would you look at that, the cleanest place here. Well where to start searching." Hijar thought to himself. He headed towards a fountain. "Would you look at that? Brown-water. I am not surprised. I might as well look around.? HIjar started to search the area. Tala was walking along the kingdom walls. She stopped at an intersection. 3Paths I might as well choose one One person to find. "Damn I hate these kinds of things. Well might as well choose one fast. Eenie meenie minie mo catches a tiger by the toe. if he hollers, let him go. Eenie meenie minie mo. My mother told me to pick the best one and you are it. Middle path. That's the one I was going to go to originally." She squinted angrily and went on. DC was stuck between a cattle drive. "A cattle drive in the middle of a kingdom. There is a joke here. Somewhere." DC sighed and sat on a bench. "Do you mind?" Said a voice. "Ahh!" Yelled DC. "I'll pay you!" Said a man lying down. DC got up and stepped back. "Weird town." he complained. "Well might as well deal with it." Said DC. He sat on the ground and waited and waited.

[Boo]

[size=1]Use a spellcheck of MS Word or Google Toolbar or whatever. You could also cut a lot of useless dialogue as "[i]"Thank god for pocket space" Hijar said.[/i]". Why would he say such a thing if he just takes out a scarf? Instead of the dialogue, you could use a lot more descriptions.

Don't rush your writings. They're filled with spelling and grammatical mistakes. I strongly advice that you make use of the advices people give you.[/size]

[JJ]

[Color=DarkBlue]You just totally ignored everything I pointed out up there, didn't you? The same mistakes, repeated again. Dude. Seriously. Was all that work for nothing?

You still don't watch your capaitilization, your punctuation or any of the other things I pointed out. I beg of you. Use a word processor. Think of posting your stories in the 'net as handing them into your teacher. If I were to print it out and give it to your teacher, what kind of grade would you get?

It's crude and rude, but it sets you in sight of the goal you want to achieve. Nobody's perfect, but if you tie in school, people will look much higher upon you. Trust me.[/color]

[2010DigitalBoy]

>_< SK, you NEED to follow everyone's advice here, pal. First, stop continuing the story and focus on fixing your mistakes! Go back to chapter one and follow JJ and Sakura and my advice and make it good before you continue, dude!

JJ's right, you keep making the smae mistakes everyone's telling you to fix. before you do anything else, take chapter 1 into Word Processor, clean it up, and look for errors and do some of that syntaxing (sp?). Then you can move onto CH2, but finish the chapter you've started before moving onto the next one.

[Aberinkula]

I'm importing chapter three here. i need to make another post so you know.

Now time for chapter 3. This time I used my word proccesor. Just found one yesterday.

Chapter 3: The Search comes to a standstill.

Las time the group of Hijar, Tala, and DC were searching Crescent Kingdom for traces of their sister.
We now go to Hijar.

Hijar was walking down a sidewalk, when he stood upon the grounds of a building. He looked to his right to find the buildings name. A sign was located atop the door. On it said ?The hottie hut?.

?Well maybe our sister is in there?? Hijar asked. He walked towards the entrance. He then knocked on the door. A man?s eyes peered out of a slit on the door.

?What?s the password?? He asked.

Hijar thought for a minute and finally something came to mind. ?Are you so stupid that you don?t know the password to get in.?? Hijar said. He then realized what the person meant. ?A wise guy eh? Well we do not take in people who do not know the password. If not, get an ID card and we?ll let you in without second thought.?
The man closed the slit. Hijar stepped onto the sidewalk.

?Well. I might as well get my hands on an ID card. Or obtain the password.? Hijar then saw a mailbox just hand length from him. ?Deliveries get in without notice.? He read. ?Well we just need Tala and we can get in.? Hijar sat and congratulated himself. As he was pondering, Tala was lost in the other side of the kingdom.

?Well. Where could a sister be?? She thought. Soon after, she heard footsteps. The footsteps got louder. Tala was scared. She backed away. Nevertheless, the footsteps got louder. She decided to run. Nevertheless, she ran into a man. The man who was walking. Soon after the man?s hand touched her back. Tala looked up. The two stepped back. The light revealed DC.

?Oh, it was you Tala.? DC chanted. ?I thought you were some dirty hag.?

?What did you just call me?? Tala asked. DC soon backed away.

?Nothing, not a single clue. ?DC replied.

?Good. I found nothing important at all. What about you?? She asked.

?I didn?t find a single thing. Plus, I was stuck between a cattle drive.? DC waited for Tala to say something.

?A cattle drive. Through a kingdom. This place is dirty.? She answered. ?We should find Hijar.? She suggested.

?Maybe we should go to the front gate. He wanted us to meet him there remember??

?Okay then maybe he?s already there.? Tala and DC walked back. Hijar was waiting at the front gate.

?Would they hurry up?? Hijar thought. He looked east. Then westward. ?Guess not.? He answered.

A couple of minutes passed without a sign. Just then, a voice was calling Hijar. Hijar looked.

?DC? Tala?? He yelled. He looked behind him and just then, DC and Tala came to view. Soon the group was standing next to each other.

?Find anything guys?? Hijar asked.

DC and Tala nodded. As Tala nodded, her ears flew side to side. DC watched in amazement to them.
?Well actually I found something. A building called ?The Hottie Hut?. We should go there with Tala. She is the ?delivery? After all.? Hijar looked at the others.

?Ok. I?m ready for this.? Tala took a deep breath.

?Good follow me.? Hijar announced. Soon the others followed him into the kingdom. Deeper and deeper they went.

_______________________________
Okay guys now I would like the good things pointed out. The bad as well. But for now. Enjoy.
And for your viewing pleasure here is the demon of the south's pic.

[img]http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/5484/tek060825d06075oj3.png[/img]

[Ikillion]

[COLOR=#99121c][SIZE=1][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Well yeah I don't have anything to add to your story or anything, but I've noticed that people are constantly telling you to spell check your text with you saying that you can't because you don't have it. So then I present [URL=http://www.spellcheck.net/]this[/URL] Although I don't know if it can do syntax and most of the things that word can do, I am sure that it will be able to do atleast spell check.

I only had to use google to find that one. If you don't have the tools available on your computer, don't fret to use google.[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Aberinkula]

well then if you guys need something new to go on here's chapter 2.

Chapter 4: Hidden within a costume. Trouble brews. Hijar, DC and Tala are now on their way to the hottie hut. Looking for their sister they have come across some obstacles. Now they threesome are just wondering finding their next destination. ?Hijar , are we there yet?? Tala asked. ?Depends. Probably five minutes if you shut your mouth.? Hijar jested. Tala gave him a dirty look, DC shook his head in disgust. Soon the building came into view. Closed down but still the guard waited for something. ?Okay fellas, now?s our chance. Tala get on your knees and act like a pinup girl.? ?Okay. it?s for our sister. Our evil, horrible, whore-like sister.? Tala sighed and walked like a dog. DC tried not to chuckle. And Hijar was laughing his lungs out. After about thirty seconds of laughing, Hijar finally took the last step before hitting the entrance. ?Well, well, its my thug.? Hijar?s joke amused the guard as much as getting an arrest warrant. ?I see you have a prostitute for us. Come on in.? The guard stepped aside, and opened the door. ?Here buddy a tip.? Hijar?s manners were running thin. The guard hit him up-side the head. ?Now how funny can ya get. Buddy.? The guard smirked as Hijar curled his fist. Inside the building was dark. Florissant lights, and strobe lights sparkled up the room. Poles were such a silver that the light shinning from the lights blinded Hijar. Down the hallway they walked. Looking at the V.I.P. rooms. Finally reaching ?The room?. Okay this is the room. The women should be behind this door. Hijar thought. To himself. As they entered the room the scent of bad perfume and cigarette smoke filled the air. ?Do any of you skanks know this teenager?? Hijar asked as he showed a picture. The prostitutes just looked at Hijar. ?Wanna get laid?, one asked. ?No thanks.? Hijar said. Besides I?m herpes free. Hijar thought. ?Anyways. Have any of you seen this girl?? All the girls looked at each other and shook their heads no. ?God Damn It!!!? Hijar yelled. As soon as it echoed the guard came rushing in. ?You hurtin ma ladies.? The guard asked. ?No. And for the record, you have great grammar.? Hijar joked. ?We are so screwed.? Tala said. The guard came in close. To be continued.