Is it really worth it?

[vegeta rocker]

I have a question, how much can a friend that hurts you so much be worth?

My ex and I are still friends but he lets his current GF say whatever she wants. Even after i send him a print screen of something she said about me. He still denies it, its hurting and he just makes me feel crazy.

He is graduating this quarter and he basically said he would prefer if i came i keep my distance. This is a person who claims to be my good friend and he hugs me and talks to me like we are friends.

But if i go it will be awkard and he doesn't want to upset his GF. We have known each other for three years, we dated for a little over a year. He just keeps saying he was happy but he wasn't at the same time.

I just don't think it's fair that we have helped each other through so much but i can't hug him and say congratulations.

Three months of love and support versus 6 months of dating. Four of which he hit on me constantly by the way.

Is he really not worth my time?

Should i take it and just try and be his friend no matter how much it hurts?

[TheResplendent]

[font=tahoma]It could be one of two things. Either he want's to keep you two as seperated as possible so not to mix up the two aspects of his life (girlfriend/best friend), in which case it seems as if he's favoring her more over you. This is by no means under your control, because he has to decide who means what to him, and decide how to prioritize the people in his life based on what he believes is best for himself. Some ideas concerning the people in our lives seem more noble than others, but people are capable of having their own ideas. One i personally believe in is best friends should always come before girlfriends (this is from a guy's point of view). With some girls i know it's the same, but i find that girls have less honor amongst one another when it comes to a guy they like. Not saying this is true of all girls, this is based on my experiences.

The other thing is that he's just ***** whipped. In which case he's just trying to satisfy his lust and it takes more of his little head than it does his big head. How you wish to perceive it is up to you, but if you guys are really good friends, nothing should be stopping you from putting everything out in the open with one another and finding out the truth yourself.

If it is for another reason, then it's something that is his responsbility to make you understand. Then it is your perogative to make a decision on whether or not he is fulfiling your standards for a friend or not. A friend to me is somebody who can be straight up with you about something that becomes a hindrance to the bond that holds you together. If he can't seem to understand why you're feeling the way you are, he probably isn't putting the effort into comprehending it. That however isn't what should make up your mind. What should make up your mind is how he goes about wanting to fix the problem between you two. If he simply dosn't understand, his willingness to try to understand and try to fix it is representative of how much he wants to keep you as a friend. Taking the easier path and ignoring you and going about business with his girlfriend is showing you his current priority does not lie with you. It may not neccesarily mean that he dosn't care about you, but if he refuses in one way or another to want to fix things between you two, and risk the friendship altogether because of just one girl...then it's clear that he dosn't believe your important enough, or he just isn't taking you seriously. The key here is what he [b]wants[/b] to do about it, not what he is currently [b]doing[/b]. Because people's actions don't always reflect their intentions.

I'm still best friends with a girl who i used to go out with for a while. Only recently have we been hitting some rough points as it concerns our actual friendship, it's mostly due to not having much time to see each other anymore. That however is irrelavent to the issue at hand. But the most important thing to remember about building a closer relationship off of a friendship is to secure the foundation of the more important type of bond to you first and foremost. In most cases thats the bond that you share with a best friend, the type that lasts much longer then a normal boyfriend/girlfriend bond would last. This way when one type of relationship begins to crumble, the friendship already between the two people acts as cushion to fall back on. This way not everything is destroyed, and you can still enjoy one another's company for whatever reasons.

Regardless of what his reasoning is though, your dedication to him should only have to go so far if his to you is wavering. I know trying to be there for someone seems like a noble thing and a respectable thing, but to put yourself through the kind of pain you say you are feeling for a less then noble or respectable reason is not something you should have to tolerate. Don't be there for someone who couldn't care less that you are there, and don't be there for someone who wouldn't lift a finger to be there for you. People change, that's reality. Don't cling on to an idealistic hope if it's not going to come into fluition. If he just dosn't know any better right now and is just confused about where his priorities should lay, then be there for him to help him figure it out. Again, his distance from you shouldn't be assumed right away to be a result of him not caring at all. But do not be taken advantage of.[/font]

[AzureWolf]

[COLOR=maroon]It's a two-way thing. Friendship can't be one way (just like love!). If he doesn't want to associate with you, then you can't be his friend. If you think he's worth trying to stay friends with, be active. However, no matter how much effort you put into it, if he isn't interested or doesn't show reciprocal effort, then it's not meant to be.[/COLOR]

[vegeta rocker]

You both make perfect sense; i guess i should just let things be. He says we will always be friends, but is this the way he plans to treat me?

I think i should just let him be whipped by his GF if he wants. He will realize his mistakes on his own.

Thanks.

[Delta]

[COLOR=#35425E]Posting to say that I wholeheartedly second and support what you just wrote, [b]VR[/b]. Also, maybe he wants space to test the waters with his new kitten, yeah? Last thing he probably wants is his ex nearby, who'll serve both as a point of comparison to him and paranoia trigger to his gf at crunch time.

In any case, do have faith in your friendship. If he says he's still friends with you, I think it would be best if you believe him.[/COLOR]

[Annie]

[QUOTE=Delta][COLOR=#35425E]
In any case, do have faith in your friendship. If he says he's still friends with you, I think it would be best if you believe him.[/COLOR][/QUOTE]

[size=1]Exactly.

If he cares for you, and says he wants to be friends, there's a good chance he's telling the truth. Guys are silly, and it takes time for them to come around. But he will, eventually. Don't try to make things happen, it just pushes him into a corner. As much as it hurts, you just have to take the role of a friend; be there for him when he needs you, otherwise just stand back. You don't have to be too close to him to be his friend, you know? Staying too close to him only hurts you.

I know how you're feeling, for I'm going through something similar right now. It sucks, yeah. But...if we're going to be friends with our ex's, we just have to suck it up and settle for friendship.

[b]Edit[/b]- I wanted to point out BKstyles's post, particularly the last paragraph:

[QUOTE=BKstyles][font=tahoma]
Regardless of what his reasoning is though, your dedication to him should only have to go so far if his to you is wavering. I know trying to be there for someone seems like a noble thing and a respectable thing, but to put yourself through the kind of pain you say you are feeling for a less then noble or respectable reason is not something you should have to tolerate. [b]Don't be there for someone who couldn't care less that you are there, and don't be there for someone who wouldn't lift a finger to be there for you.[/b] People change, that's reality. Don't cling on to an idealistic hope if it's not going to come into fluition. If he just dosn't know any better right now and is just confused about where his priorities should lay, then be there for him to help him figure it out. Again, his distance from you shouldn't be assumed right away to be a result of him not caring at all. But do not be taken advantage of.[/font][/QUOTE]

Pretty much what I wanted to say, but couldn't word it out. A good friend is always worth it, but..putting yourself through the pain isn't if they aren't going to return the efforts. But, give him time. Give yourself time. It's a process.

If you need to talk more, feel free to PM me.[/size]