Writing My past Confessions [PG]

[duoikari]

i read throught this 3 times so it should be ok, if not tell me the mistakes and i will correct them.

I felt my ears begin to ring as I slowly opened my eyes I found myself blinded by a strange bright white light, which at first hurt my eyes a great deal and caused me to squint. I raised my hand up to my face, shading the light from my eyes as I got used to the brightness. Shapes began to form around me, but slightly distorted. I rubbed my hand over my forehead, feeling the sweat that had came out of me while I had been asleep.

I groaned slightly, and sat up straight in what I had now released was a hospital bed as I wiped my hands down my face I realized that my glasses were on. I turned to my right and see a sort of object that seemed to look like glasses, I reached over onto my right and stretched my left arm across to the table. I was suddenly struck with an electric pain that shot downwards from my shoulder blade to my arm.

I gasped and then cried out loud in pain as an electric current went from my shoulder blade and all the way down my left arm, causing me to pull it back and caress the shoulder. I was wearing a hospital gown and yet I thought I could feel something attached to my shoulder as I rubbed it, something that was underneath the gown. I sighed to myself and lay back against the metal bars of the bed and picked up my glasses with my right hand. I couldn?t make out anything in the room but as I slid my glasses on my face everything became clear and the shapes that I once saw became objects and items of furniture that was in the room.

I gazed around my room, the ceiling was completely white and was made up of foam squares, there was a chair near my bed and a set of draws opposite my bed. A grayish curtain which hung from a rail attached to the ceiling, which hung down on my right, hiding a large pair of French windows which lead out onto a balcony.

I turned myself around on the bed and faces the windows, still caressing my shoulder with my hand. When I tried to stand up I found myself loosing my balance and falling back down onto the bed, I paused for a few seconds trying to gather my thoughts together about the whole situation I was in.

I eventually managed to stand on my feet, it was then that I saw the drip next to me, a bag of clear liquid dangled from a tall metal poll which had four legs on small wheels at the bottom. Thinking that I might loose my balance again, I grab the metal pole for support and walked along the cold white tile floor towards the French windows.

I saw a reflection of myself, it was also holding on tight to the metal pole and slowly staggering toward the windows.

It was rain hard, I saw many rain drops falling onto the balcony floor, making a lots of puddles that I was sure wouldn?t disappear anytime soon. I had lost all concept of time, the sky looked so dark and yet it seemed to feel like it was the day time. It was cold too, I was almost shivering in this stupid gown thing.

I placed my hand one the windows, feeling the coldness send a chill right the way through my body. I felt a sudden sleep come over me and rested my forehead on the window, also feeling the cold go straight through my head.

The tips of my glasses pressed against the window and I heard the frames creak as they were pushed against the window. I closed my eyes, it began to rain louder, almost like hails stones, my ears pricked up at the sound of the rain pounding into the balcony. Then I slowly let myself go and as I did my mind began to wonder, re-thinking things that I hadn?t thought about for over 11 years.

I opened my eyes gradually and saw a faded reflection of my eyes in the window. I remembered that my Mom had told me I had Dad?s eyes along with his height and the brown hair colour.

I remember the day I told them that I was a homosexually, I was only young at the time, I think I was about 15 at the time but I had been thinking about my sexuality before then. It was raining that day too, Mom was at work, helping to make people better in the hospital while my dad was at home.

He had got the day off and when I returned home he was there sitting on the sofa which faced the T.V watching the children?s shows that started at 3 pm. He welcomed me with a smile and told me that Mom was working later today.

I placed my backpack down on the floor near the door, then walking from the door over to him and sitting down next to him. He put his arm around me and ruffled my hair lightly with his hand, I grabbed the remote and changed the channel over to something I wanted to watch without even asking, but Dad never complained.

After a little while I started thinking things, as I was doing today and I started to think about how I was feeling deep down. I didn?t feel like the other boys at school, they seemed to be able to talk about sex freely among themselves and how they did this to a girl and how that did that. But I felt out of place, I had no interest in girls at all, that might of be because I went to an all boys school, but even so, the other guys had done it and most of them were younger then me.

I had wonder if Dad had ever felt the same way I had, this discomfort towards women and the whole idea of sex that I had. I was afraid to ask, Dad wasn?t the type of man you could ask them type of question too. He was prim and proper and treated people with the same amount of respect that they had for him, he was also a man that believe in his morals.

As I thought about my feelings more I began to build up some courage and I ended up asking him. I told him everything, I couldn?t help blurting it out, I had kept these feelings bottled up inside me for a long time and I felt a great weight come off my shoulders when I told him.

Dad?s frowned slight and give an awkward smile before turning his head back around to face the T.V. I couldn?t understand why he never answered me and pressed him more for an answer and that?s when I said the one thing I truly felt, the one thing that I had honest believe to be what was wrong with me.

?I think I might like guys?

Dad flew at me, jumping up off of the sofa and staring at me like I was something odd or something nasty, He stood in front of me for a long time without speaking, the same disgusted expression on his face, but then it suddenly melted and he started to calm down.

?Why?? was what I got, Dad expression became very sad and he almost had a pitied look in his eyes as if he could foresee all the pain and suffering that I would go through.

Then he slapped me, I never expected it, I think I was more shocked then my mother who stood at the door, who had saw and heard everything. It was a very hard slap, the side of my face became sore and my glasses were tilted, I was also branded with a red hand print on my face.

I panted slightly while I still sat on the sofa, with my head down and my hand on my face, rubbing the spot where he had slapped me, my mother just standing at the door way, with her coat over her shoulder and my father just gazing down at me with that same pitied expression on his face.

?Antonio-o??? A almost shy voice bought me out of my daydream and I turned around and gazed towards the door. A tremendous fever came over me as I saw Quatre standing at the door. Hi dark blue eyes so glassy and wide, almost as if he was shocked to see me alive.

He bite his bottom lips as he smiled, his body jerking and tears running down his face as he began to sob to himself, while he continued to stare at me. ?What?? I replied and grinned back at him in pain, as once again I began to feel pain in my left shoulder again, this time going up to my neck.

He smiled humbly at me and ran up to me and placing his arms around me as I stood at the windows. He squeezed my tight around my middle and I returned his hug with one of my own, placing both arms around him and resting my head onto of his soft blonde locks, gentle rubbing my hand on his back, while he nuzzled his head into my chest weeped.

[kalon]

I did notice a few grammar mistakes. Forgive me for going all Grammar Nazi on you, but I plan to be an editor in the future.
[quote name='duoikari']I gazed around my room, the ceiling was completely white and was made up of foam squares, there was a chair near my bed and a set of draws opposite my bed.[/quote]
There should be either a semicolon after room and after squares, or you could make them into separate sentences, or you could put an "and" before the word "there." Also, I believe the ceiling tiles in a hospital are made of plaster, not foam, but correct me if I am wrong.

[quote name='duoikari']When I tried to stand up I found myself loosing my balance //snippety// Thinking that I might loose my balance again //snips[/quote]
It should be losing and lose, both with only one o. It's one of the common English grammar mistakes.

[quote name='duoikari']It was rain hard, I saw....//snips again[/quote]
It was rain[i]ing[/i] hard would be correct, and you have another run-on sentence.

[quote name='duoikari']I remember the day I told them that I was a homosexually, I was only young at the time, I think I was about 15 at the time but I had been thinking about my sexuality before then. It was raining that day too, Mom was at work, helping to make people better in the hospital while my dad was at home.[/quote]
Again, run-on sentences. And "homosexually" should be just "homosexual."

[quote name='duoikari']He was prim and proper and treated people with the same amount of respect that they had for him, he was also a man that believe in his morals.[/quote]
Run-on's, "believe" should be "believed." But also, a moral is a principle regarding what is right or wrong, and you don't define what his morals are. If you said the father was deeply conservative, or something to that effect, it would clear things up.

[quote name='duoikari']?Antonio-o??? A almost shy voice bought me out of my daydream and I turned around and gazed towards the door. A tremendous fever came over me as I saw Quatre standing at the door. Hi dark blue eyes so glassy and wide, almost as if he was shocked to see me alive.[/quote]
As said, I r a grammer natzi, so.... "A" ahould be "An" in the first instance, you forgot the s on "his." You could add the "His dark blue....see me alive" onto the end of the previous sentence by adding a comma after door, or put a "were" after eyes to make it into a complete sentence.

[quote name='duoikari']He bite his bottom lips //snips[/quote]
"Bite" should be "bit," and "lips" should be in the singular.

[quote name='duoikari']snips// while he nuzzled his head into my chest weeped.[/quote]
It should be "wept" instead of "weeped," or you could add a comma after chest and put weeping.

Okay, I'm through going crazy on the grammar. Now for the story in general.

There were a few places the wording felt redundant, but you expressed the mindset of the character well. People usually have layered emotions, so I liked how the father pitied Antonio rather than only being angry at him. It made it ring just a little truer. I was confused about why Antonio was in the hospital, so a little explanation on that would be appreciated. Is this a side story to another one?

[duoikari]

thanks for posting i will correct the grammer mistakes later.

And no it's not a side story, it's an actually seen from the 3 story which i have yet to write.

The first story tells how Antonio and Quatre meet, which is written by not fully posted on any website. Also the first story contains male rape, which not alot of websites allow.

The second is set 10 years on and their adopt son Mushra is growing up *mushra was brought in in the first story*. This ones about Mushra really, and how he wants to find his real father. At the end of the story Antonio and Qautre decided to adopt another boy called kenji.

The thrid and final story is set another 10 years on, when Mushra is 22 and Kenji is 16, Kenji turns out to be gay and falls in love with mushra best friend spike and Mushra falls for a moblie suit pilot called April. During this time some of Antonio's enemies turn up, one of these begin the guy who shot him.

The reason why Antonio was shot is very complicated, Antonio's parents raided the royal palace on the planet Jupiter, Antonio was 12 at the time and was at school while all this was happening. His parents went through the palace killing all the armed gards that came at them but Antonio's father ran into the pantry part of the palace and killed two inocent people, while their child curled up on the floor and watched. Antonio's mother came in and she stopped him from killing the boy as well.

This boy, 'Joey', grew up a little and remember the face of his parent's killer. He entered the army and made friends with Antonio, they were both 16 at the time and were both orphans, so they became friends very quickly. Then one day Joey learn from his commander that it was Antonio's parents that killed his parents and went out to seek revenge, but his plan failed.

In the third story Joey comes back and he is the one that shoots Antonio. I had a choice with this part, i could either kill Antonio off, which would mean that Quatre would kill himself because he can't live without his lover.

Or keep him alive, this was a little story that i thought i would try out to see what it would be like if Antonio was alive and to see if i the creator could actually kill of my star character.

I'm still undecided tho, to kill him off or not to kill him off, that is the question