Writing Ever Unmistakable [PG]

[kalon]

Due to personal reasons, this is being removed.

[Nothing]

I don't know how this managed to escape my attention for so long. It really is fantastic. I haven't seen work of this calibur on this board in quite some time, not in ages to be sure. I was particularly fond of "The Everwonder Compendium of All Possible Knowledge" quotes, and the small parts in which the author speaks directly to the reader (i.e. things like, "There are many things that shall be explained later, and others that shall not, because Virgil has his own story, but the main character here is Arisa.").

The few problems I did have with this piece were all based on opinion; such and such a word choice didn't sound right, or some subtle cliche or other that really can't be avoided anyway, so I won't waste time nitpicking.

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]What was: the theme music to [I]Alfred Hitchcock Presents[/I], composed by Charles Gounod, Alex.

Freak Out!! :wigout: I've actually performed that music before; it's one of my favorite pieces.

On the actual story here, I am most impressed. I mean to say, I am incredibly impressed. Aahh! its great ? I feel like I'm reading C.S. Lewis's [I]Narnia[/I] stuff. I honestly can think of nothing to say here without an utter dissection of your story, which I do not consider myself qualified for at all. I'm terribly sorry that I can't offer any specific criticisms, but I don't really feel that it's all that bad if I can't. You've got something well developed enough that it must have taken you several months to put together. And thirty pages, you say! Aahh! Please post more!

-A[/FONT]

[kalon]

Removed. Sorry.

[Nothing]

This is, again, fantastic work. Officially my favorite unpublished fantasy piece on the web (which may seem like a peculiarly narrow title, but I see a lot of it, absolute tons). I really like where this is going, and the skill you show in writing in general, specifically distancing the revealing of events and their actual occurance. Most web writers would jump directly to the disownment after it was revealed by Domminick. It's refreshing to see some patience.

There was one thing that I dare nitpick:

One, because you sometimes speak directly to the reader, the sentence, [I]"A great deal was asked about what they really did at Errant Gardens, which turned out to be many things[/I].", caused a slight confusion. I might recommend specifying that Arisa asked, and perhaps some mention to the conversation that followed, to better bring about the following sentence, [I]?I saw it, my dear, three questions ago, when you asked about pixies.?[/I] But that's really opinion-based. I may very well be the only one that bothered. What do you think, Allamorph?

This is really great work. Phenominal.

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]What do [I]I[/I] think? *adopts phony announcer voice*

[I]Well, I''m glad you asked!![/I] (ugh. that didn't translate well)

I think it's spelled [U]phenomenal[/U]. That's what I think. :-P

Aaaanyway, now that you mention it, that first sentence [I]is[/I] a little screwy. Not in the 'meaning' sense ? I understand exactly what you want to say there, I just can't put my finger on what should go there.
[quote name='kalon][I][U]A great deal was asked about what they really did at Errant Gardens, which turned out to be many things.[/U][/I'] The top priorities at the moment were finding blood substitutes, experimenting with a method of creating something in something-ness, playing somehow with flowers, and impeding the villainous experiments of another organization.[/quote]
All I can think of is something like this:

[I]A great deal was asked about what they really did at Errant Gardens, [COLOR=DarkRed]which, in fact, turned out to be a rather exhaustive subject.[/COLOR][/I]

I know what you mean about spending hours revising one little section because it [U]just[/U] [U]doesn't[/U] [U]flow[/U] right. Been there, done that. And my parents always gave me the oddest looks....

[QUOTE=kalon]?How do you know he?s in the library??

?I saw it, my dear, three questions ago, when you asked about pixies.?[/QUOTE]
This actually sounds like something [I]I[/I] would say, actually. (^_^) Actually, it actually does, actually. (Oh, jays, here I go; you can slap me any moment now...)
*cough*
This segment seems to need nothing, nor would a lead-in phrase in the previously mentioned passage help any, at least not from what I can see.

I too have a small point to bring up, though. I just happened to forget what TECoAPI meant, and I looked back to the Prologue and saw it stood for The Everworld Compendium of All Possible [B]Knowledge[/B]. Ummm ..., yes. About that. I ... ermm ... well, I wasn't exactly aware that "knowledge" starts with a ... with a ... umm ... well, with an "I". (<_<) I confess that the possibility had never occured to me.

So then, obnoxious sardonicism and all aside, do you want TECoAPK, or did you mean "Information"? Personally, I like The Everworld Compendium of All Possible Information because the "I" looks better in the acronym, but "knowledge" just sounds better. Of course, in Everworld "knowledge" could very well start with an "I". I just hope the aspirin are still there.
---------------------------
Okay, so I have utterly no clue about Arise Clarisse Pleasant Riddle. Got nothing. I even cheated and asked Wikipedia and still ended up with Jack Dit. If it turns out that I [I]should[/I] know this one, I'll be a little sore.

Thanks for the mention there, [COLOR=DarkRed]Nothing[/COLOR]. I was surprised and am a little flattered. Well, somehere between honored and flattered. You get the idea. Although I confess I feel a little like the Cyclops in [I]The Odyssey[/I] ? but I think that was your intent, wasn't it?

-A[/FONT]

[kalon]

Removed. Sorry.

[Nothing]

Concerning the bonus points: Darn, all I could think of was Clarissa Explains it all, and Tom Riddle from Harry Potter. >=/

Concerning Allamorph: Actually, my motive for your mention was double-sided: for one, I really did want the opinion of another reader, and I assumed you would post right behind me, and secondly, I wanted to acknowledge your mention in "The Chosen One" without making a post dedicated to it. No, I don't think you're following me, but yes, I'm sure you will follow me, as far as in critiquing this story goes.

Concerning the Story, which is still phenom[b]e[/b]nal:

At your writing caliber, I highly recommend not destroying any large work, as much as you might hate it. Dare I bring up Franz Kafka's famous anecdote to prove my point? The new segment is very good, I personally didn't feel it was rushed at all, at least not overly so. Though I would recommend rephrasing the first two sentences of the final paragraph, so as not to call attention to your feelings on your own work. It is my personal belief that most writers are literary self-deprecationists, and perhaps sometimes literary sluts, a title which, I suppose, may account for their self-deprecating tendancies.

Fantistic work; I'm actually anxious for the next section. ^^

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]Honestly, [COLOR=DarkRed]Nothing[/COLOR], I meant the motive behind your name. :animesmil I.e.:

[I]"Hey son, who're you talking to?"
[RIGHT]"Nothing, Dad."[/RIGHT]
"What, you're talking to [/I]yourself[I] again?"
[RIGHT]"No, Dad. It's their name."[/RIGHT]
"What is?"
[RIGHT]*sigh*[/RIGHT][/I]

Oh, wow. Carrol [I]AND[/I] Bradbury!? Dang. I ? oh man, that would've taken me ages to come up with. All I had was [I]Silence of the Lambs[/I]. ("Hello, Clarisse....")

For this one I think I was more successful. Dante's [I]brother[/I] Vergil, from Devil May Cry (3, mainly), and the Roman poet Publius Vergilius Maro. And let me just say that that is really random, and that saying Dante's name was a huge giveaway.

I don't feel you need to make any drastic changes here either, though I get what you mean about feeling a bit dizzy at the end of the chapter. If you still really want to add some length to it, the only places that would be remotely feasible are here...
[QUOTE=kalon]...Fauve?s bubbly voice broke in, ?Virgil can find a bit more time for socializing. He should not be there in the first place. The Euclid family is known to be a bit odd. Really, Virgil, you should go out more often, expand your prospects.? The last words were accompanied by a pointed glance at Marie-Bell.

?My brother,? started Orrin with barely concealed disdain, eliciting an unnoticed glare from Arisa, ?has never been one for normalcy. You might want to look elsewhere for compan??[/QUOTE]
...and/or here....
[quote name='kalon']Dominick helped Arisa into the coach. She found the seats surprisingly comfortable, but wondered what Fauve would say if she could see how the red upholstery clashed with Arisa?s canary yellow dress. The thought dispersed as Dominick sat in the seat across from her. She no longer had to interact with a fashion-obsessed mother; freedom was in reach. Azoth floated in and out of the cab until Virgil joined them, at which point the feline settled across the Rose-Eye?s shoulders.[/quote]
With the former, you could add on to the absurd trivialty of the dialogue; with the latter, you could either have some random events occur in the streets outside the carriage, have a discussion between Arisa and Dominick (who I am beginning to feel a genuine one-ness with), or delve into the wanderings of Arisa's thoughts. All, naturally, is dependent on what you see.

I must say this now: I am in love with your descriptions. I drooled over the "[I]sinfully[/I] comfortable chairs". This is mainly because I am quite horrible at descriptions, at least at making them as abundant as is necessary.

Oh, and why not provide the reader with some authors for the books V. and A. read? After all, you've described everything else. And the "don't ask" bit seems a little out of the narrator's character. [I]I[/I] would ask.

Wonderful chapter.

-A

P.S.: Yeah, you fixed the Compendium, but now your italics are all flummoxed up there.[/FONT]

[kalon]

Removed. Sorry.

[Allamorph]

[FOnt=Arial]Hmmm, it seems there isn't much happening in the OB lately. Ah, well ? I suppose I'll just reread the Everworld story...wait-a-minit.... [I]What?![/I] AHH! Oh, bloody !*@#$ &@*#$ !@*^!* &$^!@& *$^!*#$ ^!@* #$&@$ &^!@#% &*#^$ &^!@% $!&@^# %!*@&^ #%!@ *%^#$ !@*%# $!@& *#%$!!!!!!!!! Oh, gosh. You edited! You didn't tell me you edited! Oh, man. Crap ? I'm sorry. I should have checked more thoroughly...jeeez.
[center]:animesigh [/center]
[right]Shoot.[/right]
----------------
Ah, another diverting read. Interesting that the Euclids decided to fabricate a house that seems to bear more resemblance to non-Euclidian geometry, and that their number is 1337. I hate 1337-speak, by the way, but a good tongue-in-cheek nonetheless.

Now, what can I be picky about? :smirk:
[QUOTE]The time it [B]took[/B] for the psychics, Rose-Eye, and ghost cat to arrive [B]took[/B] far too long in Arisa?s opinion.[/QUOTE]
You've got yourself a double-"take", there. And that's a [I]really[/I] bad pun.
[QUOTE]The downside to [B]some[/B] of the doors was that [B]some[/B] could only be opened on one side, so it disappeared after a person exited.[/QUOTE]
My suggestion:
[I]"The downside [strike]to some of the doors[/strike] was that some could only be opened on one side, so [B]they[/B] disappeared after a person exited."[/I]
Also, what about: [I]...so they [B]tended to disappear[/B] after a person exited."[/I] ?
[QUOTE]Arisa had expected for other people to be there, and was surprised when [B]she[/B] did not find any.[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]and none of the small items that make a room comfortable (perhaps a book of Tennyson?s was in order).[/QUOTE]
Tennyson for a [I]six-year old?![/I] Woof.
[QUOTE]The woman grabbed the man?s shoulder and turned him around. ?Siegfried, why in the?? [COLOR=DarkRed][B]([/B][/COLOR]Virgil clamped his hands over Arisa?s ears.[COLOR=DarkRed][B])[/B][/COLOR] ??the time! We lost Harlequin today. We?re all angry, and right now I want to take my knife and?? [COLOR=DarkRed][B]([/B][/COLOR]Ears were covered again, this time by Dominick as well.[COLOR=DarkRed][B])[/B][/COLOR] ?But that doesn?t excuse you for pushing me!?[/QUOTE]
[I]I'd[/I] use parentheses there (shown), but that's just me. It works either way.
[QUOTE]?It is nice to meet you, Arisa. My name is Theda Lugosi; ask me what you will and address me as you choose, moppet.?[/QUOTE]
Bleah! That was startling. Even with her preceding statement, I had difficulty switching speakers. Perhaps if you interject...:
[I]?It is nice to meet you, Arisa.[COLOR=DarkRed]", the voice continued (something-ly). "[/COLOR]My name is Theda Lugosi;"[/I]
Again, just saying..... . .

----------------
All right, enough nastiness from me. There were a lot of good things in this ? dare I call it a chapter? ? of yours. The "weather 'cause it happens, idiot" touch was nice, and I think because of it we shall be good friends. I like Dominick even more now; I could just [I]see[/I] Virgil with a sappy smile on his face, his hand reaching up to bat the watch around. (^_^)
[QUOTE]The will-o?-the-wisps? capturers, Elise and Grier Lewis, adamantly proclaimed that if the wisps tried to lead them into bogs in the first place, they deserved to be used as light fixtures.[/QUOTE]
Yes. They do.

And I'll assume Theda is related to Bela. Just 'cause I can.

Great stuff. I am [I]terribly[/I] sorry it took me this bloody long to catch your edit-in ? I swear it wasn't a lack of interest. Honestly. :( [/FONT]

[kalon]

Removed. Sorry.

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]Sooo, a little blue faerie that says "Hey, listen!"; wait.......Navi? [I]You hate Navi?!?[/I] I ? you ? but ? you hate [I]Navi?[/I] What on earth for? She's just a little bugger. (Hah, she's a bug-er. hee-hee.) And it looks like you mean to rip her wings off! [I]What's wrong with you?[/I]

[right]Hmmph. Faerie molester.[/right]

Yeah, I kind of gathered that Arisa was bright; she reminds me of me at that age, except I wasn't aware of Tennyson yet, so I settled for the dictionary and any encyclopedia I could get my hands on. :animeshy: Yep, I'm a wierd one. And I feel that there aren't [I]enough[/I] characters who are so sickeningly talented. I mean, who wants to read something about another average yutz who gets everything right by sheer force of mishap? No, I think your talented characters are fine, even if they do belong to a bygone age, like I think I do sometimes.

Hunh. I've never heard of Theda Bara before. Wow.

Although I want to say "Thank you for the complement," I am currently unsure of what you mean by 'concrit', so....

[quote name='kalon']I'm afraid wordiness is one of my problems, so nitpick all you want. Especially with dialogue. I can never find a balance of dialogue and description to make me happy.[/quote]
Well, I have to say that dialogue is probably my stongest point, so feel free to fall back on me if you need flow help.

I understand the doors completely. If your referring to my edit suggestion, then I am confusticated (but not to the point of bebotherment), but if you mean my geometry reference, then that was just me throwing out a random quip. Trust me on this ? visualizing your stuff is nothing compared to L'Engle's tesseract. [I]That[/I] was a bear.
[quote name='kalon']For the weather, I hate when things are dark and stormy for the mere purpose of adding a sinister atmosphere.[/quote]
Well, it works in some situations, but I find it generally overused. And it just wouldn't feel right in your style anyway, so I'm just glad you don't much care for it either.

[FONT=Courier New]program startup: [system_editor.exe]

>initializing data checksum --> checksum complete
>initializing memory checksum --> checksum complete
>all systems online and responding normally

engage[/FONT]

[QUOTE]Hilde[B], who[/B] was a kind person when not threatening to knife someone, said she always wanted a little sister, and offered to share her room.[/QUOTE]
I know what you were wanting there, but that's a passive verb followed by two actives and rather confusing. I'd use the shown appositive instead. (My mother is an English major and I talk in correct syntax naturally. I can't help that I know this stuff. Sue me.)

[QUOTE]"Never release a fairy into a laboratory filled with explosive objects. Illuminate.? At the last word, every will-o?-the-wisp in the lab flashed on. ?Gratias ago, phasmata. Opiferrimae estis.?[/QUOTE]
I'm honestly not sure how to approach Latin in dialogue. My wont is to italicize it, but that's up to you ? it might help distinguish between [I]illuminate[/I] and illuminate.
[QUOTE]?I thought,? said Dominick, ?you would like me to save one for you. There?s no reason to kill [B][I]all[/I][/B] the flowers.?[/QUOTE]
Speaking of dialogue, I would highly suggest stressing any and all inflections in speech, as it communicates easier to the reader. Take that one, for example. Without the stress it reads rather blandly. Since (I think) I can pretty much feel how you want your characters to sound, I read (red) the passage with the stress in and out simultaneously (hah! and you thought your doors were hard!), but I doubt others will read (reed) it and catch on so conveniently.
[QUOTE]"...and I was gonna let the fairy out but then I decided [B]not[/B] to but maybe I was...."[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]...even more than the average six-year-old is capable of producing ([strike]and[/strike] a horrifying thought)....[/QUOTE]
That's what [I]I'd[/I] do, anyway.
[QUOTE]Again, for those who do not speak this language?which should technically have no capitalization and no punctuation and run all together?which is also a common language in science[B][COLOR=Red]?[/COLOR][/B]this basically translates: [I]Elise, the night is lovely. The death, too, is lovely.[/I][/QUOTE]
You're still jumping tracks with your train of thought, so make with the extra dash. It serves to keep the slightly random bits of quality info separate from the main thought.
[QUOTE]"...but not when [B]it[/B] is cold...."[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]Logically, Arisa assumed mistress meant nursemaid.[/QUOTE]
Incidentally, so did I for a long time. :animeblus Imagine my chagrin....

[FONT=Courier New][end program][/FONT]

That's all I can see right now. If you've anything that bothers you, let me know.[/FONT]

[kalon]

Removed. Sorry.

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]Guess who! (You know, this doesn't really work too well when my name is shown automatically.) Right, I'm back, and I found Arisa the Insomniac entirely entertaining, though the thought of an adult Arisa under the same affliction unnerves me somewhat. There's no telling where [I]those[/I] uncontrolled thoughts might be headed....
[quote name='kalon]Concrit. [B]Con[/B]structive [B]crit[/B']icism.[/quote]
Wow. That made me feel about [SIZE=1]this big.[/SIZE] I feel like Watson after Holmes explained one of his deductions to me. But I'm glad you don't find me a snot. :animesmil
[quote name='kalon][SIZE=1]I like to save [italics'] for special occasions, because I think using italics overly much is like adding way too many exclamation points. They are more powerful than you realize.[/SIZE][/quote]
Agreed. Which is why I don't use them in every paragraph. Italics can only be used above a certain point of stress, and that's when I use them. When I said "any and all inflections in speech" I wasn't referring to the natural rise and fall of the voice, I was referring to the emphasis placed on certain words that make them stand out. I am sorry; I think 'inflection' was a poor choice of a word there.

Like I said, it felt good in that particular statement of Dominick's.
[quote name='kalon']I suppose you might understand why I'd rather not place the bulk of my plot on t3h intarwebz for anyone to read?[/quote]
Absolutely. For the exact same reason, I plan on posting bits and pieces of Jason's story/history, but nothing too important. All of my characters' personalities reside safely in my head, and no one segment (or three together) can adequately reveal them.

Also, I [I]despise[/I] plagiarizers (plagiarisers?), and I will tear utterly apart anyone who I see doing it. 'Accidental' is excusable the first time, but other than that I cannot and will not tolerate it. Just so you know. :animesmil

Which reminds me, you might want to include Bierce's name in your text, just for safety's sake.

What, no trivia for me? Aww.... And I was so very much enjoying our little game, too.

----------------------

[QUOTE]...the exact hour thirty-seven minutes past four post [U]meridiem[/U]....[/QUOTE]
Did you perhaps mean 'meridian'?
[QUOTE]The already bone-white vampire paled, reddened in anger, and bid [B]Hilde[/B] to leave with a flourish of her hand and a dramatic scoff.[/QUOTE]
Oops. :animesmil
[QUOTE]If Arisa were in the country, she might have been attacked by a savage nymph or a crazed bunny or something of the sort.

If Arisa were in the city, she could [B]have[/B] be[B]en[/B] kidnapped by a strange philosopher or forced into labor by evil innkeepers or something of the sort.[/QUOTE]
Parallelity, my friend. Parallelity. (Is that even a [I]word?![/I])
[QUOTE]A warning in red seventy-two point font flashed in Arisa?s mind.[/QUOTE]
Given your to date wonderful descriptions, I can't help feeling that your 'red' here is somewhat normal. What kind of red is it? Bright? Glaring? I just feel that you might could do with a little more pop there. :animesmil 'Cause I know you want the [I]"a-OOOOO-gah! a-OOOOO-gah![/I] Warning! Warning! Danger, Will Robinson!" sentiment.
[QUOTE]Virgil?s expression changed from fear to the I-wish-to-set-you[COLOR=Red][B]-[/B][/COLOR]on-fire-with-my-mind look when he glared up at Mikasi.[/QUOTE]
Another oops.
[QUOTE]Does day six give you shivers? It should.[/QUOTE]
Wait, I thought this was day five...oooohhhh. You're asking about [I]tomorrow[/I]. I see. Well, what about this instead, for clarity's sake?

[I]"Does [B]the thought of[/B] day six give you shivers? It should."[/I]

I just think it helps the intent come across, that's all.

----------------------

I also had some double-take moments, not all of them yours.
[quote name='kalon']But Errant Gardens was not in the country, nor was it in the city, nor was it in Ohio.[/quote]

Do [I]WHAT?![/I]

[QUOTE=kalon]?I hate him,? Virgil said.

?I hate gum drops,? replied Dominick.[/QUOTE]
But what about gum drops [I]in Ohio?[/I] :p

[quote name='Li'l ole Me][FONT=Arial]Well, I have to say that dialogue is probably my [U]stongest[/U'] point....[/FONT][/quote]


...oops.

I reread that paragraph just this evening, and I was immediately reduced to a heap of guffaws, if that image of me even makes sense. [U]Stongest[/U] point, indeed! Boy, I swear.... :D

I hope you're having a merry Christmas, and I look forward to the remainder of your posting.

-A[/FONT]

[kalon]

Removed. Sorry.

[Allamorph]

[quote name='kalon]If you think an adult insomniac Arisa would be scary, just think of Dominick or Virgil that way. (Unfortunately, [i]their[/i'] cases of insomnia won't be shown in this story.) But it only happens once in a blue moon, so it would be years before she went through it again.[/quote]
[FONT=Arial]Yeah, Dominick might be a little worrisome....

On a completely random subject, and since I feel such a kinship to Dominick, I should like to know whom you most sympathize with.
[quote name='kalon]No, [i]meridiem[/i] is correct when talking about time and the abbreviations. Meridiem is a Latin word, and together with post it means "after midday." [i]Meridian[/i'] refers to lines of longitude, and while it can be used an an archaic expression for midday, it is not the correct word for the p.m. abbreviation.[/quote]
Thank you. I always appreciate new information.
[quote name='kalon']Parallel is both an adjective and a noun, so, uh, no, paralellity isn't a word. But it sounds like it would be a fun one.[/quote]
Oh, I knew it wasn't. I just have that Shakespearian quality about me. That's probably where I obtained the monstrosity "quasiorganesqueish", which is basically as many ways to say "organ-like" as possible in one pronouncable word.
[quote name='kalon']Although, you better be careful when you tell me to describe the color, because right now I'm tempted to change it to pixie-blood red.[/quote]
Good grief; what is with you and pixies?! I'm starting to think you really [I]are[/I] a faerie molester. (I like writing faerie that way. ^_^ )
[quote name='kalon']To be extremely generic, "Happy winter holiday season to all!"[/quote]
I dislike generic phrases like that. They always remind me of the time I tried to eat Wal-Mart brand Frosted Flakes. (I also dislike the taste of cardboard, so....)
[QUOTE=kalon]What is the connection between Harlequin and calling someone "little dove"?

From whom do I get the name "Siegfried"? (Hint: I named my Siegfried after another nightmare of a fighter. My Siegfried, however, is more of a rapier-type of guy.)[/QUOTE]
Then perhaps his middle name is Raphael?

I am sorry, but I must yield on the first one. Besides, you stunned me with the Carrol/Bradbury reference earlier, so this one [I]must[/I] be good.

Still, if the little trivia bits tire you, then I will not demand you to continue them. I just find your references fascinating, that's all.
[center]----------------------------[/center]
[QUOTE]She had visited this room with its large table and many chairs [COLOR=Red]a week[/COLOR] when she had first arrived....[/QUOTE]
This sentence confuses me. I honestly have no clue what you mean. [size=1]HELP![/size]
[QUOTE]So [U]they walked[/U] up streets and through alleyway shortcuts. [U]They passed[/U] street vendors and paperboys. (Arisa had the fleeting wish to sell papers when she got older if only because paperboys can be spiffily called mercuries.) [U]They passed[/U] the Clockworks as the bells chimed in the eighth hour of Sunday morning. [I][U]They arrived[/U][/I] in front of a shop with a sign proclaiming it to be Mary Sue?s Antiques Shop, Bakery, Orphanage, Toy Store, and Psychiatrist?s Office.[/QUOTE]
I have noticed and enjoyed your use of repetitive sentences for effect thus far, but this one seems a bit off, like a paragraph written over the course of several hours during which time the author (most likely stricken with insomnia, or with writer's block, or with Arisa for that matter) kept forgetting how they started their sentences. Only the last sentence bothers me, though, so a simple tack-on phrase should do. E.g:

[I]"[COLOR=DarkRed]And then[/COLOR] they arrived in front of a shop...."[/I]
or
[I]"[COLOR=DarkRed]And at last[/COLOR] they arrived in front of a shop...."[/I]
or
[I]"[COLOR=DarkRed]And finally[/COLOR] they arrived in front of a shop...."[/I]
or
[I]"[COLOR=DarkRed]And, sadly,[/COLOR] they arrived in front of a shop...."[/I]
or even
[I]"[COLOR=DarkRed]And, unfortunately for the men,[/COLOR] they arrived in front of a shop...."[/I]

....yeah, I think I should probably shut up about that now. (^_^)
[QUOTE][QUOTE]Mary Sue

Mary Sue?whose full, self-given name, Mary Sue Isis Selene Terpsichore Hecate Eris Thalassa Rhiannon Undine Euterpe Amelia Rose Cendrillon Hyacinth Eva Nirvana E?bony Mira Yvonne Ophelia Felicity Winter Rhea Ivory Thalia Iris Natalea Guinevere, trounces those of the Irving women?is too many things to be described in one entry. Her past is tragic and angst-filled, and too horrible to ever be written.

....

She?her?the? GYAAAAAAH! FOR THE LOVE OF WRITING, MAKE IT STOP!!![/QUOTE][/QUOTE]
Oh. God. Why.

Someone get this chick some Evanescence. Or some Nightwish. Or some Wagner. Something [U]not[/U] [U]happy[/U].

I need a shower now....
[QUOTE]?No, little parrot child,? answered the jester in a pleasant, laughing voice. ?I may need therapy, but I come for the scones.?[/QUOTE]
Don't we all.
[QUOTE]Harlequin pulled this light apart, the same as before, only much more speedily. He pulled Arisa with him into the strange world of misty nothingness.[/QUOTE]
As much as I hate saying/hearing this phrase, these sentences feel choppy. (I have just been lessened for saying that.) Also, it took me a moment to catch that Harlequin was pulling the light the same as before, and not that the light was the same as before. Which it probably is anyway, but the point remains a little unclear. What about:

[I]"Harlequin pulled this light apart [B]in the same manner[/B] as before, only much more speedily, [B]dragging (or drawing)[/B] Arisa with him into the strange world of misty nothingness."[/I]

Again, I'm not trying to rewrite your stuff. Suggestions only.

[center]----------------------------[/center]

'Aight, that's all from this end. I may post some more of Jason sometime in the next week, should I finally decide on a few names, designations, movement sequences, and weapons.

Oh, I almost forgot:
[QUOTE]...Isis Selene...[/QUOTE]
I showed my mother [U]that[/U] [U]name[/U] (which you might try having Arisa say about forty to fifty times ? it might help the insomnia), and she said the first thing she thought of was 'isosceles'.

-A

P.S.: I am beginning to wonder where [COLOR=DarkRed]Nothing[/COLOR]'s gotten off to. Harlequin didn't off him when I wasn't lloking, did he?[/FONT]

[kalon]

Removed. Sorry.

[Allamorph]

[QUOTE]Dominick waved. He stepped off the wall.[/QUOTE]
[FONT=Arial]O.O
Crap. (Actually, that's not [I]quite[/I] what I wanted to say there, but I'm somewhat averse to hard cursing.) Crap. I'm dead. That's not cool.

Ah, well. It was a long way down, but a short death. Best of both worlds, neh?

*sigh*
[quote name='kalon']Really, I can sympathize with all of them, because each has a piece of myself. And there is not a single character I dislike, either, no matter who's being labeled as the "protagonist" or "antagonist." Those terms change depending on whose viewpoint you're seeing.[/quote]
I agree with statements 1 and 3, but only half of 2. You may choose not to dislike your villains, but I am kind of stuck [spoiler]and for the sake of security, I'll explain that via PM if you so desire[/spoiler].

I find it almost inpossible to create a character without imbuing any of them with at least some part of me. Fortunately for me, I can be a lot of different people, so I have a bit wider personality base to draw from. (^_^) And yes, most villains do not view themselves as real villains ? the only evil that views itself as real evil is the Darkness that corrupts all of the villains in every real story. (Bleah!, that's vague.)
[quote name='kalon']Just think of what would happen if I ever wrote Elise's story.[/quote]
I would probably enjoy it anyway. Some pixies deserve what's coming to them.
[quote name='kalon']I can't play SC to save my life, button masher that I am, but I adore the character(s) Siegfried/Nightmare.[/quote]
I am sorry for you, for I have been known to tear button-mashers to shreds. The only one I ever had trouble with was Nightmare in the hands of a novice; I had yet to memorize Talim's aerial kick, and he had Soul Caliber, so.... And just so you know, Talim is the stuff.

As far as curing button-mashing, try repeating one or two moves in Practice Mode until you have them memorized, and also remember what specific type of move your character can 'ride'. For instance, Yun-sung is mainly a kick-based (K) fighter, while Seung Mina is almost exclusively vertical (B), and my dear little Talim is about even in everything (and her Double Crescent Blades are the best weapons in the game). Learna few moves, play Arcade Mode to make sure they're set, learn a few more, etc.

Also, make sure you're set up in single-button mode ? I have a friend that swore by the quick access combo set-up, but once he played single button for a while his skill skyrocketed, and he actually proved quite a challenge to me. While the quick combo access makes heavy hits easier to get to, it eliminates almost all of your character's speed strikes, which are the ones you can chain-hit to keep your opponent reeling.

My suggestion for characters are, in order of your increasing skill: Kelik; Yun-sung or Assassin (his moves are [U]gorgeous[/U]); Nightmare; Seung-Mina; Talim; Xianghua; Talim; Kelik; Maxi; Mitsurugi; and then start re-doing all your characters. Once I actually own the game (permanently) I plan on becoming highly trained in Talim, Xianghua, Seung Mina, Taki, Kelik, Yun-sung, and Mitsurugi, with a smattering of Raphael, and I will know the weaknesses of all characters.

I like that game.
[quote name='kalon']The translation of Columbina is "little dove."[/quote]
Figures. I didn't even think of translating her name.
[QUOTE]She had visited this room with its large table and many chairs a week earlier when she had first arrived....[/QUOTE]
That's what I'd thought....
[quote name='kalon']Do you really want to see Goth!Sue come out.[/quote]
I was more referring to the fact that she has no balance, even with the 'wangsty' past. (Another should-be word.) Mary Sue has too much pink, Goth Sue has too much crimson and black; whatever happened to good old Deep Blue or Burgundy, or White, or Oak Leaf Green?
[quote name='kalon']Are you familiar with all the forms of Mary Sue?[/quote]
Until I read that peragraph, I was unaware that such a tragedy existed. And, being a little nervous, I went back and tested Jason against her ? he scored a little worse than I might have liked, at least until I tested James Bond on the same rubric. Poor 007 scored a dismal 75 points, even without me being able to answer all the questions! (Jason scored 43, so I'm not [U]as[/U] worried as I was.)

Thank you for the heads up.
[quote name='kalon']If you need names, I find random Wikipedia searches extremely helpful. (Names can stop my writing cold if I need one and can't get one that fits well enough.)[/quote]
It's not really my style to fit names to characters; I have noticed, thought, that the names I choose fit by sheer accident. [spoiler]This will also be reserved for the PM system.[/spoiler]
[quote name='kalon']Question, how can you llok?[/quote]
Hmmm, not sure. Perhaps it's Welsh? :D
[quote name='kalon']It seems you're my only faithful reviewer, Allamorph. (And for the last few posts, my only reviewer period! Thanks for reading!)[/quote]
Are you kidding?! I can't just walk away from something like this, you know. Not that I'd want to....
[quote name='kalon][size=1']Only one chapter to be posted after this![/size][/quote]
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*pant. pant.*

Oh well. All good things....
--------------------

I have a few theories on Azoth, including being killed by either Misaki or Grier during alchemic experiments, but I'll guess he was bitten by a snake.

"Last Dinosaur", which was the only track common to all three Furi Kuri albums. (In a related "well-duh" news item, it was also the only song with those initials, and I'm presuming a favorite of yours.) Great series, FLCL, if only because it made fun of almost everything imaginable. (^_^)

--------------------

[QUOTE](As another young girl of ink and paper once said, ?Curiouser and [B]curiouser[/B].?)[/QUOTE]
Interesting. Most interesting.

*[COLOR=DarkRed]Allamorph[/COLOR] is eaten by [COLOR=DarkRed]Gavin[/COLOR]*
[QUOTE]Her arms moved [U]smoothly[/U] as she walked, her dress flowed with her, and her feet seemed as if they never touched the ground, but instead glided [U]smoothly[/U] across air.[/QUOTE]
I got called once on reused adjectives, and I'd spare you that chagrin. (Mine was 'slightly', three times in one paragraph. But none in the same sentence.)
[QUOTE]Hilde headed for the man, knives held in front of her. Harlequin grabbed his club and aimed for Arisa?s head. Virgil and Mikasi restricted Hilde. Harlequin stopped the baton from hitting Arisa with less than five inches to spare. Arisa?s eyes fluttered closed, and then her mind told her adamantly that, despite almost a week without it, she would not sleep yet. Fragment scoffed at Eldee for asking if she wanted to play jacks. Things stilled.[/QUOTE]
You mentioned earlier that you have difficulty describing motion? I have no fault with this paragraph (excepting perhaps the last sentence...), it just reminded me. I will make a note to flesh out one of my more intricate combat sequences for you (cyborgs are fun) so you can judge my use of syntax in controlling time flow, and also so people can catch my screw-ups. But mainly for you.

--------------------

Seems like I have less to pick on with each post. I like that. But, man, is that death depressing. Wow.

You say "thanks for reading." I say, "Thanks for letting me read." Truly, it's been a pleasure.[/FONT]

[kalon]

Removed. Sorry.

[Allamorph]

[quote name='kalon']I like vague sentences on some occasions except for the times when I am not fond of vague sentences which may or may not be every once in a while.[/quote]
[FONT=Arial]...

[indent][indent]...[/indent][/indent]

[center]...maybe.[/center]
[quote name='kalon']When you create a character, I think he/she/it is automtically a part of you (or your multiple personalities, which is where I got Hilde from). Even if you create someone with no resemblance to yourself whatsoever, you still had to put thought into the creation.[/quote]
Elementary, my dear Watson.

[quote name='kalon']As for villains (and non-villains), I like having the moral gray area.[/quote]
I actually find it more emulates reality.
[quote name='kalon']I have to say it. Faerie molester.[/quote]
Takes one to know one.

[quote name='kalon']They slit their wrists for fear of Mary Sue ever liking them.[/quote]

[center][size=3]O.O[/size][/center]

[quote name='kalon']You can have excellent, well-rounded characters who score extremely high on Mary Sue tests. It mainly depends upon the writer on whether or not they are annoying. I wouldn't worry about it too much, since, from what I've been able to read, you are definitely a good writer.[/quote]
You can understand how good that is to hear.

(Yay!)

[quote name='kalon']Closer with the first part.[/quote]
Really. I was honestly going with the one that seemed just as traumatic but easier to deadpan. (You know, the whole Caduceus deal.) It seemed to fit your style. (^_^)

I will grant that you played that bit out rather well. I just didn't see it coming. But then, neither did Azoth.

[quote name='kalon']Yeah, it's pretty much my favorite pillows song. I plan to use one of the lyrics (translated to English) as a chapter title. I loved the series, too. The ending was one of those rare times where things didn't go the way I wanted, but I was still happy with everything.[/quote]
Whatever do you mean? I found the ending quite fine; it was like the Tornado of Randomness had finally finished rampaging through everything in Naota's life and things were back to normal again. If you recall, the last thing he says is [I]"Nothing exciting ever happens around here."[/I] Just like how he started.

[quote name='kalon']The shame![/quote]
I think that went over your head. No offense.

[quote name='kalon]The last sentence was partly there because I wanted a shorter sentence for once. [size=1](14 words)[/size] I think that's one of my worst problems, because I can't seem to write a sentence without adding a ton of appositives, participles, gerunds, conjunctions, and everything else under the literary sun. [size=1'](32 words, give or take)[/size][/quote]

Well don't do that.

[quote name='kalon']I look forward to your fight sequence. (Cyborgs are very fun.) Who knows? You might be an excellent controller of time. Writers usually have to be time mages, after all.[/quote]
If I write it, they will come. (heehee)

[quote name='kalon']You have know idea how much I apprecaite that last comment.[/quote]
Yes, I do. And I don't ever complement unless I believe what I'm saying is true.

[quote name='kalon']And you're not the only one upset by the death, either.[/quote]
Upset?! Come on. I just stepped off ? I mean, Dominick just stepped off of a clock tower acting very much like me! (Dominick, I mean. I have yet to see any buildings acting anything like me at all.) I feel dead inside.

[quote name='kalon']What is Hyaptia's (Dominick and Mikasi's older sister's) occupation? (Does not include being put to death.)[/quote]
No, that was Dominick's job. (V_V)

Either she's an asteroid or an astrologer/philosopher. Those is my final answer. (Okay ? that sentence hurt.)


[center]---------------------------------------------[/center]


[QUOTE]There were colors that were not colors and people who were things and things which were people and characters that [COLOR=Red][strike]that[/strike][/COLOR] morphed on a moment?s notice.[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]?I don?t think he gets the ghost thing,? said Arisa. She glanced at Virgil, who broke into another bout [B]of[/B] peculiar laughter.[/QUOTE]

Short excerpt, so....


[center]---------------------------------------------[/center]


Yep, that sounds like me ... er, Dominick. "Hi. I'll miss ya, here's what happened, here's why it happened, chill now, TTFN." Yepper.

I like the way this all tied up. Except perhaps the cling-y Hilde. That bothers me. But it still felt like real closure, and not some garbage you think you get from a funeral. Bravo.

As far as the entirety of the posted material goes, you did a great job at emulating a six-year-old. She kind of understands, but not really. I hope this all gets published someday.

Keep writing (as I shall endeavor to).

-A[/FONT]