Writing Poetry [PG-L]

[Damburaki]

___A simple recreate___
Oy ya... here's something that I just thought of because I'm a bored person and I just felt like I needed the release...

[CENTER]
[FONT=Book Antiqua][COLOR=DarkSlateBlue]Depiction of a Broken Mirror[/COLOR][/FONT][/CENTER]
[COLOR=DarkSlateGray][SIZE=3][FONT=Arial Narrow]Sitting here watching you
It really makes me cold
Sitting here watching you
Makes my heart feel old
Nothing else seems to matter
It's really sad but true
And I realized all this
Sitting here
Watching you

Not that I really care
About what you say
Protest to me. Go ahead
I'll pretend you're not even there
The reason I am sitting here
At least for a moment now
Is because I need your help
I just have to ask, but how?

Sometimes when I sit here
All alone it seems
My answers always come to me
Deep from my dreams
But not this time, this reason
Is far beyond myself
I try to find the beginning
By reading my journals on my self

But now...

Somewhere deep within me
There, the answer stays
But as I sit here watching you
And all your silly ways
I think the answer is to live
I can't find that on my shelf
Is too bad I lost you
Just like I lost myself[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[darkstorm123232]

I liked the poem alot and it was a great idea just keep writing

~Dark~

[Damburaki]

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue][SIZE=3][FONT=Arial]Thank you very much. I shall. :animesmil [/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]Okay... so you've basically rehashed your old poem and haven't changed anything.

The thing that bothers me most is the first four lines of the second stanza. Everywhere else you have end rhymes on every other line, but there is no rhyme here. I don't know if you forgot or what, but it throws the whole thing off because it seems like there is no rhyme scheme for a moment.

Another thing -- you use the word 'myself' in 2 different rhymes and in one of them you rhyme it with 'self'. There is enough repetition in this poem without using the same rhyme twice -- it gets boring and looks like laziness on your part.

Now, I can see how you want the answer to something and you want her to give it to you, then in the end you realize the answer. I actually like your plot, but if you're looking for answers from her it seems a bit strange that you don't care what she says.

Other than that it's a good poem with bad mechanics. Perhaps a rewriting is in order.[/COLOR]

[Damburaki]

You're right. It was laziness on my part. I will do something better. I understand that some lines have flaws. (The first four lines of Stanza Two [care....there = the rhyming lines). I will do better. Even though, rewriting is in order. I prefer to leave it as a relic of progress and not only that but it's to show that my best work is not written when I am lazed out. Thank you for your concern and critique.

[size=2][color=DarkSlateBlue][font=Arial Narrow]I wrote this for someone who thinks that their life has ended and seeing as it's hard to express with my voice, I hope this helps. I know the last two lines sound off but that is fine; I wanted that line in there so much. It proves a point.[/font]

[size=3]I continue to hear
"If looks could kill"
The way you stare at me
They probably will
You threaten to crush my hopes and dreams
That would be the end it seems

You can try to hide your past
Maybe the memories will stop at last
Don't think about the scars you had
You're not bleeding, but they hurt really bad
Blood and pain keep you alive
The only ways you know how to thrive

Pain is the reminder you still live
And you put up barriers that must never give
Words constricted like a tightening rope
You force yourself to give up hope
Let me help you, I insist
Maybe then you'll find a true reason to exist
[font=Verdana][size=1][color=Red]
Please do not double post. If you need to add more, simply edit your original post. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. -- Lady Asphyxia[/color][/size][/font]
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[darkstorm123232]

I likeed this one to go look at my mine please it is really good

~Dark~

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]I actually really liked this poem! I've had an experience with a person I wanted to help who thought her life was over as well, so I can kinda relate. I also thought the last 2 lines were really good as well and am glad you kept them.

I like your rhyme scheme in this one as well, and hope you continue to use unique rhyme schemes.

Keep em coming, I'm interested now![/COLOR]

[Damburaki]

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue][FONT=Arial Narrow]Second and fourth lines of the first verse rhyme with the second and fourth of the last verse. I'm pretty sick when I wrote this. This is actually something I thought I'd write considering my mood.


[SIZE=3]The words that you speak to me
Do you realy mean them?
The person that you seem to be
Are you really there?

Eyes covered by a flop hat
Or the drifting of a cloud
Put your dreams up to bat
Pray you'll hit them above the crowd

The dust kicks behind you
As you run around the plate
You're running real fast too
Escaping the pain before it's too late

Nothing seems to take them away
Memories of that femme
Her being is in your mind everyday
But I guess to you, it's too troublesome to care[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]>_< that's a bit TOO unique(this is not actually possible). Good effort though!

First off, your poem is absolutely rife with typos ( o, palte, and so forth) and some things make no sense because of it. Please fix this, or at least use spell check in the future.

Now, as for the poem itself. I like it. The melancholy nature and general idea behind it are cool, although reading a baseball analogy and using the word melancholy puts me in my happy place with haruhi Suzumiya so I'm half between a giggle and deep, overwhelming sadness.

I like your baseball analogy. I like the first stanza. The third stanza, though, seems detached from the rest of the poem. I'd say more, but I have to go, so, to wrap it up, it's okay. Ja matane![/COLOR]

[Damburaki]

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue][FONT=Arial Narrow]I'm still somewhat sick; my last poem and this poem are currently the byproducts of this and yeah. More to come on from that. This time I shall type carefully. :animesigh Anyway, enjoy this one.

[SIZE=3]Back inside this hell hole
That I thought I escaped but now
I'm trapped here, tugged down by the bootstraps
I want to be free but how?

Inside me there is a plea
That screams thru emptiness as vast as the sea
Don't forget how hard I've tried--the tears I've cried
The anger is building and makes me wish I've died

Tried so hard to get away
Plotting every night and day
Heaven knows what I went through
To forsake my past...to forget you[/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]Oh! I think this may be your best work yet!! It's very well-written in my personal opinion, and seems like it'd be very fit to be a Linkin Park song.

Once again you take a desolate and dark tone (something very troubling happened in your past involving a relationship, didn't it?) and you do it very well. What impresses me most is that I understood your emotions very well despite having never been in this situation (mine was so much easier lol)

I honestly can't think of anything bad to say about this poem. Great work![/COLOR]

[Damburaki]

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue][FONT=Arial Narrow]I've been doing some thinking lately and this is the product of some of those thoughts. Hope you enjoy.

[SIZE=3]There's nothing more that I want
That to return home
To be in the heart of excitement
To let my thoughts and feelings roam

But here I am in this foreign place
Everday I open my eyes
Everyday there's an unfamiliar face
Somewhere I encounter more lies

There is no point in calling out
And hope that someone will come for me
Staying here is the new plan
My cold hearted destiny

I will never get used to this--no
But everyday I stay awake
I look for a chance to go
Every opputunity I can take[/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]Not bad, once again, you're pretty darn good! I didn't see anything particularly brilliant about this poem, probably just because I don't relate to it at all, but it's still not bad. As I've said before, your lyrics carry the heavy dark tone of a Linkin Park song and thus it is to them you shall be consistently compared.

I'd be interested to see if you can do any longer poems, too. So far you've kept them rather short.[/COLOR]

[Damburaki]

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue][SIZE=3][FONT=Arial Narrow]Seems like I've been on a hiatus. I'm going to make one post that'll be an old poem (revised of course) and then I'll indulge you with something new. Alright? Have a good one.[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Damburaki]

[COLOR=DarkSlateGray][FONT=Arial]This is from the POV of a geisha, but this is kinda old so....enjoy anyway!

[SIZE=4]The gazes from my audience
Were bedazzled and in awe
As I danced before them
Or at least from what I saw

Fans danced open
As I swayed to the side
Fluttering in my hands
With a graceful slide

Dramatic lights and costumes
Add effect to what I do
Fans disappear in my kimono
Seems like magic to you

"Such a hypnotic dance"
A comment left unspoken
I can tell they're ensnared
Like a child and a shiny token

Oh the stories I can tell
And the lies I can unweave
Not a word from my lips
On this tranwuil eve

I gaze up through the roof
To the shielded skies
Turning my umbrella
I hide my eyes

I disappear from sight
Flashing timid smiles
Thunderous applause
Could be heard for miles[/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE]