Writing The Chosen[PG-VL]

[Karma]

[SIZE=3][FONT=Georgia]Okay, this is a story that a lot of people from my school are reading. They all say it's really good. [CENTER]-----------[/CENTER]
[CENTER][SIZE=3]CHAPTER 1: A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING[/SIZE][/CENTER] [COLOR=Teal]40... 39... 38... The seconds kept ticking away. 32... 31... They'll contine to tick away until the first period bell rings,marking the day that Arika Mayhony will finally talk to him, the most popular boy in her school. 21... 20... Arika looked in front of her and looked at a guy who was about her height, with dark-brown hair and beautiful green eyes. 8... 7... The day that Arika would finally talk to Ian Martivail. 2... 1... RING! The school bell rang and echoed throughout the building. Arika stood up immediately and walked out of the classroom as quickly as she could and went to her locker, beating the classroom door traffic.
"[I]46-22-14[/I]," Arika thought to herself as she twisted and turned the padlock. She opened her locker and put a few books away. She pulled a few out and put them in a pile in her arms. Arika looked in a mirror on her locker door. She flattened he long and straight brownish-red hair and made sure that her bangs looked nice. Arika leaned closer towards the mirror and looked into her bright red eyes. "[I]Perfect[/I]."
Arika looked down the hallway and saw Ian walking down it smiling. He came to his locker - which was right next to Arika's - and opened it.
"Hey," Ian said smiling at Arika. He put some books in his locker.
"[I]Oh my gosh! He's talking to me and smiling! He's so CUTE when he smiles![/i]" Arika's inner person said. "Hey," Arika said back outloud to him smiling.
"What's up?" he asked.
"Not much, you?" Arika started to get weak-kneed, so she shut her locker and leaned against it.
Ian's smile dissappeared from his face as he sighed. "I already have a lot of homework and its only the beginning of second period. 10th grade sucks."
"Yeah, I know. I have first period with you. in fact I have all my classes with you, knowing that you sit right in front of me." Arika started gaining more confidence.
Ian pulled out a few books and put them in his hands and then shut his locker. He looked at the clock in the hallway. "Class starts in two minutes. Gotta go, bye!"
Ian turned and walked off. "Wait!" Arika called after him. He spun around and faced Arika again. "I have next period with you, wanna walk together?"
"Yeah, sure," Ian said smiling. "You know what? I can finally talk to a girl that doesn't get all goo-goo eyes at the sight of me." Ian laughed. "You're not like the others, Arika. You're the calm, cool, and collective type. I like that about you!" Ian finished with a smile as they walked to class.
Arika smiled and blushed. "Hehe, thanks."
"[I]Oh yeah! Score 1 for the Lovebirds![/I]" Arika's inner person shouted in her head.[/FONT][/size][/COLOR]

[Nothing]

Overall, it's good; I enjoyed reading this and I would read more. But there were things that bothered me...There was a generic tinge that put me on edge, the whole most-popular-boy-in-school thing, for example, as well as the description of "long and straight brownish-red hair". Little things. But I liked the scene as a whole, so, if you post more, I will read it.

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]Nice. I like it. I do want to see where it's going , though, what with the whole [I]The Chosen[/I] thing and all.

A few notes:

[COLOR=DarkRed][U]Dialogue[/U][/COLOR]
You've got an excellent grasp on the form, which is impressive. So now, since I don't have to worry about the big issues, I'll nit-pick.

Try separating thought with italics. It's really common, so the intent should communicate easily. Like this:[/FONT]
[QUOTE][FONT=Arial Narrow][I][COLOR=DarkRed]46-22-14,[/COLOR][/I] Arika thought to herself as she twisted and turned the padlock. She ... leaned closer towards the mirror and looked into her bright red eyes. [I][COLOR=DarkRed]Perfect.[/COLOR][/I] [strike]Arika thought to herself.[/strike][/FONT][/QUOTE]
[FONT=Arial]Right then. So you get what I mean. You could even add a small dash at the beginning of the thought phrase if you wanted. Oh, and I struck the last bit because you really don't need it. If you use italics, it'll be obvious that Arika's still thinking. Also, you could put Arika's inner self's speeches in italics as well; it's still really Arika' thoughts.

The only other thing I have is this:[/FONT]
[QUOTE][FONT=Arial Narrow] Ian turned and walked off. "Wait!" Arika called after him. He spun around and faced Arika again. "I have next period with you, wanna walk together?"[/FONT][/QUOTE]
[FONT=Arial]In order to clarify who the last speaker is there, I'd put in a little something in front of that last statement. E.g.:[/FONT]
[QUOTE][FONT=Arial]He spun around and faced Arika again[COLOR=DarkRed], who ventured,[/COLOR] "I have next period with you, wanna walk together?"[/FONT][/QUOTE]
[FONT=Arial]Something like that. Your choice, of course ? I just made something up there ? I tried to keep Arika's mood intact. I would not presume to rewrite your story for you.

Other than that, you're good. At least in [I]my[/I] opinion.

[COLOR=DarkRed][U]Effects[/U][/COLOR]
This is just the ticking seconds deal-y. I know exactly what you were going for, and here's how I would have done it.[/FONT]
[QUOTE][FONT=Arial] [I]40 ... 39 ... 38 .... [/I]

The seconds kept ticking away.

[I]... 32 ... 31 .... [/I]

They'll contine to tick away until the first period bell rings,marking the day that Arika Mayhony will finally talk to him, the most popular boy in her school.

[I]... 21 ... 20 .... [/I]

Arika looked in front of her and looked at a guy who was about her height, with dark-brown hair and beautiful green eyes.

[I]... 8 ... 7 .... [/I]

The day that Arika would finally talk to Ian Martivail.

[I]... 2 ... 1 ... [B]RING![/B][/I] The school bell rang and echoed throughout the building. Arika stood up immediately....[/FONT][/QUOTE]
[FONT=Arial]Again, I'm not telling you how to write your story; this is merely a suggestion. It does emphasize the passage of time, though. Of course, if you wanted it to fly by, that was great. I just felt you were looking for the ticking motion there.

Okay, so in order for this not to drag on interminably (I tend to be pithy), I'll stop here. If you'd like any more thoughts, just let me know.

-A[/FONT]

[Karma]

[center][size=4]Chapter 2
Dark Secrets Revealed[/size][/center]

[COLOR=Teal][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=3]"Dude, second period was a breeze today!" Ian exclamied as he walked out of the classroom.
Arika followed right behind him. "Yeah I know. All the problems in math were so easy! It was just a review of what we did before!" Arika exclamied along with Ian.
Ian went back to his locker and so did Arika. He opened his locker and something that lookes like a PDA fell out. Arika picked it up and handed it to him.
"Here you go," said Arika holding out the item.
Ian looked at her hand in shock. He immediately snatched it from her and put it in his back pocket.
"Where did you find this?!" Ian asked tense.
"It fell when you opened your locker," said Arika pulling her hand back and opening her locker.
"Oh," said Ian relaxing. He put some books away and so did Arika. THey both took out two more books and one notebook. The two books were a language arts book and a social studies book.
"So what was that?" Asked Arika as she put he books in her hand. "Or better yet, what is it?"
"Nothing!" Ian snapped. "You musn't tell anyone about it!"
"Why?" Arika asked concerned.
"Just don't!" Ian shut his locker and stormed off to class.
Arika shut her locker and went off to class. "Hmm..." Arika said to herself. "[I]I wonder what that was about...[/I]" Arika's thoughts trailed off.

The rest of the day went by slowly, while that same question kept poking in Arika's side. "[I]What was up with Ian?[/I]" Everywhere that Arika was going, it seemed that Ian wouldn't be far behind.
"[I]Really, what's up with him?[/I]" Arika thought to herself as she walked back to her locker with Ian not far behind. "[I]Its like he's observing me. Maybe he's stalking me. Ugh, I don't even want to go there. I know I like him, but that would be just plain scary. I don't even want to go there.[/I]"
At the end of the day when Arika was at her locker getting ready to go home, she spotted Ian staring at her as he walked down the hallway and to his locker. He didn't say anything as he walked up next to her and opened his locker.
Arika kept quiet as a mouse as she watched him put his homework in his backpack.
It was silent for a few seconds before either of them said anything.
"Okay!" Arika said. "Something's up with you and that... that..." Arika stuttered. "That whatever-it-is!"
Ian looked at Arika confused. "What's the 'whatever-it-is'?"
Arika groaned. "Oh my gosh! That little PDA thingy!"
Ian gasped as he put the rest of his stuff in his backpack and shut his locker. "Shh!" He put his finger up to his mouth. "Come with me."
Ian grabbed Arika's wrist and pulled her. Arika kept following Ian, who was leading her outside of the school and behind a tree.
Arika broke free of Ian's grip. "Dang it! What the hell is it!?"
Ian looked around to make sure no one was in earshot. "Okay. I've been watching you and-"
"I know you've been watching me! Just TELL ME!" Arika butt in.
"Jeez, okay. Anyways, while I was watching you, I was observing you. You seem like a very trustworthy person, so I'm not afraid to tell you now."
"[I]Oh my gosh! I know what he's gonna say![/I]" said Arika's inner voice. He's gonna ask me out! Yay!"
"Tell me what?" Arika said out loud.
Ian looked once more around the grounds. "Okay. That little PDA thingy... it's my little personal spell book," Ian said with no expression on his face. "Arika... I'm... I'm a wizard."[/size][/FONT][/COLOR]

[Nothing]

Krist, talk about jumping the gun. Your introduction really doesn't merit a revelation like this, and I would almost assume that you're imagining this as you go along. There's also some problems with repitition and unvarying sentence structure. Some unnecessary things like " 'Hmm...' Arika said to herself. 'I wonder what that was about...' "

Not as good as the intro...but I'll still read on if this doesn't go like another Harry Potter rip.

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]I'm in complete agreement with [COLOR=DarkRed]Nothing[/COLOR] here. (Who I am [I]Not[/I] following, despite the fact that we're continually posting in succession.) Your first section was rather good, but it felt like you really rushed through that last bit, as if you were trying to get to the wizard deal before the story wanted to. If there's one thing I've learned (the hard way) in my writings, it's this:

[U]Never[/U] [U]Force[/U] [U]The[/U] [U]Storyline.[/U]

I can't tell you how many times I've written something the way [I]I[/I] wanted it to go, instead of how I had watched it play out, only to get writer's block for weeks, or lose the idea completely. And there's a Big difference between writing a story and letting the story write itself. Trust me.

Develop the charaters in the story. Let the words show who they are. It's perfectly fine for the big *GASP* moment to occur on the fourth/fifth page.

Moving onwardly to the excerpt itself, there's a few things that made me uncomfortable while reading. Take this scene:
[QUOTE]The rest of the day went by slowly, while that same question kept poking in Arika's side. [I]"What was up with Ian?"[/I] Everywhere that Arika was going, it seemed that Ian wouldn't be far behind.
[I]"Really, what's up with him?"[/I] Arika thought to herself as she walked back to her locker with Ian not far behind.[/QUOTE]
First, that's one weird place for a question to be poking. (^_^) Still though, it shouldn't have bothered her that much.
[QUOTE]Arika looked down the hallway and saw Ian walking down it smiling. He came to his locker - which was right next to Arika's - and opened it.
...
"Yeah, I know. I have first period with you. in fact I have all my classes with you, knowing that you sit right in front of me." Arika started gaining more confidence.[/QUOTE]
Eeenghh. Just me being an bit of an S.O.B., I know.

Also, how about spacing the paragraphs out by a line or two? I know it's easy to do the indent thing in word processors, and it's actually correct format. But indents don't exactly transfer to the forums ? as I'm sure you already know.

I hate that these posts of mine always come off sounding like I'm a royal snob. Maybe it's just the way I read myself....

-A[/FONT]

[Karma]

[CENTER]Chapter 3:
What?![/CENTER][COLOR=teal][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=3]Arika just stared at Ian in disbelief. For a while, everything was silent between the two. [B]So you're telling me,"[/B] Arika started. [B]That you're able to do magic? All of those things that happen in books and fairy talkes?"[/B]
Ian didnt say anything for a while. [B]"Yeah, pretty much."[/b] He frowned. [b]Is that a problem? I don't want it to intefere with our friendship."[/b]
Arika couldn't say anything. [b]I-I really don't know what to say... It's just kinda shocking that...that..."[/b] Arika couldn't say anything anymore. She sighed weakly and fainted into Ian's arms.
Ian sighed as he looked down at the girl in his arms. [b] I guess you... you just weren't ready."[/b] He picked up Arika and started home.
[CENTER]---------[/CENTER]
When he got home, Ian went straight to hisroom. He set Arika on his bed, set his and arika's backpacks on the floor and turned on his computer. He sat down in front of it and he clicked twice on Microsoft Word and started doing his Language Arts homework.

[CENTER]-------[/CENTER]
[CENTER]Chapter 4:
A Dream or Reality?[/CENTER]
Arika was running through a forest wearing a velvet cape and holding a long staff.
[i]"I can't! I don't want to! I like him too much!"[/i] Arika's inner person sreamed in her head.
She continued running from an angry mob that was chasing her.
[b]"Kill the girl! She's runnign away from her fate!"[/b] Then angry mob's leader screamed while running after her.
Arika turned a corner and a big tree came into view. Arika saw someone standing at the base of the tree.
[B]"Ian!"[/B] Arika gasped. She ran faster towards the tree.
Ian gasped. [B]Arika! What are you doing here?! You're not supposed to be here! You know what they'll do if they see me - Especially with you!"[/B]
[B]I know but-"[/B]
[B]"There she is!"[/B] the leader of the mob screamed. [B]"Get her!"[/B]
The mob came closer and closer, forming a circle around the tree. Arika and Ian kept backing away from the mob, soon their backs up against the face of the tree.
[B]"You!"[/B] The leader of the mob screamed pointing at Ian. [B]"You must die! You are going to try to kill the Mayhony bloodline! Like your ancestors before you have done! But they succeded! Arika only survived because we hid her!"[/B]
[B]"But that was them!"[/B] Ian snapped back. [B]"I wouldn't do anything to harm Arika!"[/B]
[B]Blah, blah, blah!"[/B] said the leader mocking Ian. [B]"I wouldn't do -'[/B]
[B]"Stop it Vincent! Shut up!"[/B] Arika shouted. [B]"First of all, just because you're 16 and you're 1 year older than me and Ian, you can't say what we think. You could be thinking the exact opposite of what you think we're thinking!"[/B]
[b]"Uhh...wha?"[/b] Said Vincent confused.
[B]"Nevermind,"[/B] Arika said irritrated. [B]"The point is even if Ian's ancestors tried to kill mine, I wouldn't kill him. It's because I...I..."[/B]
[B]"DON'T even say it!"[/B] Vincent's voice echoed in the woods when he shouted that out. [B]"But if that's so..."[/B]he said sadly. [B]"You'll perish with him!"[/B]
[B]That's enough, Vincent,"[/B] said a boy who was about the same age as Ian. He had silver hair and blue eyes. The mysterious person drew a sword. [B]You harm her..."[/B] He put his sword closer towards Vincent's neck. [B]I'll kill you."[/B]
Vincent withdrew his sword. After a few minutes, he drew his sword again. [B]Then I guess I'll have to kill Ian!"[/B] Vincent screamed running towards Ian.
[B]"No!"[/B] the mysterious person screamed.
Ian just stared in schock at the person charging towards him. Arika started towards Vincent but the people from the mob held her back.
Arika watched in horror as Vincent quickly advanced towards Ian. She couldn't take it anymore. She broke free of the mob's grip and ran towards Ian.
Vincent was in range of swinging his sword and hitting Ian. Arika got there in time before the blade hit Ian. She was willing to sacrifice herself to save the one she loved. A tear fell down Arika's face. She turned and looked at Ian.
[B]"I'm sorry,"[/B] she said her voice cracking while more tears fell down her face.
Ian's eyes started to water. [B]"Arika..."[/B]
Before Ian could finish what he was saying, Vincent had already swung. The blade came in contact with Arika's side. Arika screamed an ear-piercing scream, as blood splattered everywhere. ++[/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]I said earlier that you've got a pretty good grasp on dialogue. I stand by that statement, despite the few mishaps you've got here. What bothers me right now is that dialogue is all you're giving the reader. I can hear everything, but I can't [U]see[/U] anything, and of all the stories I've read, the ones I remember the most are the ones I could see happening.

I know what's going on in your head, too, for I've dealt with the same problem myself. Since you can already see what's happening in your own head, you're just throwing down the bits you feel that go with the story's flow, and you're neglecting to remember that the reader doesn't have the privilege of seeing inside your headwhile they're reading. From your perspective, getting to chapter four has taken a it of time, since you know exactly what's going on without needing paper to tell you. For me, though, it's felt like all of a minute and a half. Ninety seconds.

Spend more time on detail. Describe all the little things, even in the middle of the action sequences. It may feel like an eternity spent on the same scene to you, but when I read it afterwards I am able to see everything that you see. Right now that's not even close to happening, which is a shame.

Also, proofread your work. You've got spelling and grammatical errors rampant in your text ? there's too many for me to hit them all, so I'll leave that task to you.

Overall, your great idea is being overshadowed by all those little yet important things that could be fixed by just spending some more time reading what you've written. Be hard on yourself.

And by all means read Tolkien, Bradbury, Carrol, Lewis, and any other quality fiction authors you can get your hands on. Learn from the masters.

-A[/FONT]

[Karma]

[center][font=Arial][size=1]Chapter 5[/size][/font][/center]
[center][font=Arial][size=1]Ancient History Brought Up [left][font=Arial][size=1]Arika woke up screaming. She quickly sat up from where she was and looked around at her unfamiliar setting. [left][font=Arial][size=1]Ian turned around from his computer and looked at Arika. ?Welcome back,? he said cheerily. ?Where am I?? Arika asked dazed. [left][font=Arial][size=1]Ian looked at her smiling. ?You?re in my room.? [left][font=Arial][size=1]Arika looked around at her setting. ?Hmm?? she said scanning Ian?s room. ?You have a nice room. It?s nice and spacey.? [left][font=Arial][size=1]?Thanks,? Ian said. ?So are you feeling any better??[/size][/font][/left]
[left][font=Arial][size=1]?Yeah,? Arika said rubbing her head. ?My head just hurts a lot.? [left][font=Arial][size=1]Ian looked at her and laughed lightly. ?About that? it might be from when I dropped you.? [left][font=Arial][size=1]?You what?? Arika asked him as she looked at him with her jaw open. ?You dropped me? I can?t believe-?[/size][/font][/left]
[left][font=Arial][size=1]?Calm down,? Ian said laughing. ?It was a joke. I never dropped you. You probably just have a headache.? [left][font=Arial][size=1]Arika nodded. ?Wait a second? Why am I in your room?? [left][font=Arial][size=1]Ian looked at her and sighed. ?It was probably when I told you I?m a wizard. I didn?t mean to surprise you but-? [left][font=Arial][size=1]?It?s okay,? Arika butt in. ?I think it?s pretty cool.? [left][font=Arial][size=1]An awkward silence took over the room and the only thing you could hear was the computer buzzing and whirring. [left][font=Arial][size=1]?So?? Arika started while twirling her hair, which right now was held back with a ribbon. ?Have you told anyone else about you being a wizard? Oh wait, that was a rhetorical question.? [left][font=Arial][size=1]Ian opened a drawer and pulled out a hardcover book with a falcon on it. It was the yearbook from last year. Ian flipped through the pages until he got to the freshman page. He flipped two more pages and he stopped around the ?M? section. [left][font=Arial][size=1]Ian looked for his picture and pointed to the person next to his. ?Him,? He said tapping the picture. The boy had and golden hair and deep brown eyes. ?Leon Marlex. He was the only other person I told. He was my best friend. After I told him though, he freaked out and he started ignoring me, and eventually our friendship fell apart. [left][font=Arial][size=1]Silence took over the room once again. Ian probably felt the same feelings that he felt when Leon started ignoring him. [left][font=Arial][size=1]?That?s really sad,? Arika said breaking the silent spell. ?I won?t do that to you. I promise.? [left][font=Arial][size=1]Ian smiled at Arika. ?Thanks.? [left][font=Arial][size=1]?Well I should call my parents and tell them I?m here. We?re gonna be studying, right??[/size][/font][/left]
[left][font=Arial][size=1]?Yeah.? [left][font=Arial][size=1]?Now where?s your phone?? [left][font=Arial][size=1]?Oh, you can use mine.? Ian reached for his cell phone. [left][font=Arial][size=1]?Don?t you have to pay for minutes though? I would?ve used mine but my mom gets made for every minute and second.? [left][font=Arial][size=1]?Nah, I don?t mind,? said Ian getting his phone from the computer table. ?Your parents seem strict.? [left][font=Arial][size=1]?Yeah, pretty much,? Arika said taking the phone. She started punching in her house number. The dial tone rang, and then someone picked up.[/size][/font][/left]
[left][font=Arial][size=1]?Hello?? [left][font=Arial][size=1]?Mom it?s me. I just wanted to tell you I?m gonna be staying at Ian?s house ?till six.? [left][font=Arial][size=1]?Doing what?? Arika?s mom shouted into the phone. [left][font=Arial][size=1]?Jeez, don?t worry Mom! We?re jut gonna be doing homework! He?s the person I told you I have every single class with. I?ve told you a lot about him.? [left][font=Arial][size=1]?Oh, him? He sounds really nice."[/size][/font][/left]
[left][font=Arial][size=1]?Well I?m gonna be here till six, okay??[/size][/font][/left]
[left][font=Arial][size=1]?Okay, bye.?[/size][/font][/left]
[left][font=Arial][size=1]?Bye.? [left][font=Arial][size=1]Arika pushed the end button on the phone and handed it back to Ian. [left][font=Arial][size=1]?Thanks again,? Arika said handing the phone back to Ian. [left][font=Arial][size=1]?No problem,? Ian said smiling. ?No problem at all.?
[left][font=Arial]
[left][font=Arial]