Writing Naruto:The Legendary Ninga's[M-VL]

[monipo1928]

This is a story i started writing in august.But bear with me because it wasnt to good and i couldnt find it for the longest time but i finally did so here is what it is about:A young girl who is already a jounin even though she is only 12 comes back to konoha after a trip out to her own village:The village hidden in mist. So she comes back and kakashi realizes shes back and finds her when on a mission. There was a legend about a legendary ninga who was thought to be a he but was acctually a girl.The girls name was nami and she was the strongest and most powerfullest ninga's ever. She is naruto's twin sister no one knew about.Nami also has an older sister mimi. Sakura also has an older brother named hideki. People still think that the legendary ninga from the legend is a boy.

PLease tell me if it sounds good and if you wish me to post the first chapter!

[Nothing]

Ugh. Starting a story with its summary is never a good idea--I'm pretty disinclined to read something that I already know the storyline to, you know what I mean?

Second, it's equally a bad idea to post work that you're not particularly proud of, or at least telling the audience that you're not proud of it. If you can't get excited about it, why should the reader?

Maybe you're just bad at summarizing, I don't know, but I'll give you the benifit of the doubt, as a few of my friends and I are also terrible summarizing our work. If you post the first chapter, I'll read it, but I won't promise anything more than that.

[monipo1928]

Elder:Once 10 years ago there was a legendary golden ninga.Legends have it "he" was one of the most strongest and most powerful ninga's known to man kind and to the land.People say "he" grew up in this village.Where our hero is now no one can say for sure.

Naruto passes by hearing the elder tell the story of the golden ninga and thinks to himself, "One day i will defeat the golden ninga"

[CENTER]The next day[/CENTER]
Kakashi and his students were walking in the forest when all of a sudden Kakashi ran ahead dropping his ichya ichya paradise book at the students feet. The three students look down in shock. "Has he ever dropped that book?" Sakura asked as sasuke picked the book up and read the date. "Appearently not.Its from years ago" Sasuke said as the three ran off laughing hysterically.When they finally caught up with kakashi they grabbed onto his jacket. "Do...Not...Run...Need...Re-" Sassaid as kakashi yelled "AHA!" And took off again with the students hanging onto his jacket for dear life.

"Dont let go!" Yelled naruto. 5 minutes later he let go and saskura caught him. "Do not let go you hear me?!?!" She yelled over the wind. Another 5 minutes later sasukes hand slipped and sakura couldnt catch him so naruto did. "DO NOT MAKE ME REPEAT MYSELF!" Sakura yelled over the winds. The two boys nod in fear when all of a sudden kakashi stops abruptly and sent the students fliying. Saskue landed Ino, "Boo yah!Forehead girl 0 me 1"Ino said. Naruto landed by hinata, "Are you ok naruto?" and sakura landed by kakashi who had now on the ground by her feet because sakura had pulled him.The girl looked about 12-16. The girl said "Good to see you again kakashi." She helps him to his feet and he hugs her saying, "Omg you finally came back!Everyone missed you so much!." Sakura gets up to save sasuke from Ino and naruto yells, "Who the hell is she?!"

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Okay, before I start, I just want to skim briefly through a couple of things. First; 'ninja' is spelt with a 'j', not a 'g'. If you want to have something in your title, please double check the spelling of it first, eh?

The second thing is just something to keep in mind when you post [i]anything[/i] on the internet; it is actually very hard for the human eye to read things on the computer. The best way to get people to read what you want to write, is to make it [i]easy [/i]for them to read. Space it out: add a space between a full stop and the next letter. If someone speaks and someone else replies -- make a new line for the second person, like so:

"I don't believe it!" Exclaimed Jane.

"No, really, it's true," he replied.

It just makes it easier to read and to follow. Consider, also, putting in some bold text or italics to add emphasis where you want it -- it can make all the difference. ^_^

Onto the story itself -- the thing that jumps out at me when I read it is the fact that it goes [i]very[/i] quickly. I myself am not that knowledgeable about Naruto, so I find it difficult to read because I don't know that characters. Take the time to slow down, describe the characters and what they're doing, describe where they are, what they look like, what they think. Draw it out.

I was a little confused with Kakashi and the running. I didn't understand it I'm afraid, or why he did it. I'm not saying that you should cut it out, but you need to explain further. If it's because he...saw?...the new girl, then perhaps you can add a line saying something like "he looked around alertly, dectecting something the others couldn't see, then broke into a sprint" - or something like that. You have the plot down, sure, you just need to make sure that you describe as much as possible so that we, the readers, see what you see in your head.
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