Writing The Crash (Poetry) [PG?]

[Darren]

Hey guys. I'm not generally a poet. I mostly like to write, but there are moments in my life where I'm just sitting and thinking about things when I come up with something poetic, and it sort of provides a needed release to avoid mental break-downs. This is my poem. It's called [I]The Crash.[/I] And I wasn't sure what the rating would be qualified as. I usually like to rhyme in my poems, (in fact, I try too hard to rhyme and it takes away from the quality) but I decided to try something a little different. Please give me some feedback and I'll greatly appreciate it.

[CENTER][U][SIZE=2][COLOR=DarkSlateGray]The Crash[/COLOR][/SIZE][/U][/CENTER]

[COLOR=Black][SIZE=1]I sit here in the seat of my car.
I've been sitting here awhile.
The sun has left me behind again
and now there are only the stars and the wheel.

The lonliness isn't what I thought it would be
And though your warmth was a nice gesture,
we both know that my heart was screaming no.

This all feels like a dream
That I'm desperate to wake up from.
My wall has cracked and crumbled
And the grip I once had is gone.

You once asked why I was alone
And in my apathy, I said nothing.
As this car speeds to 60, I've changed my mind.
It's time I spilled my soul.

The accelerator goes down further
And my year-old scars show in the moonlight;
The scars I recieved that summer night
When I was given all that weight to hold.

It was hard to watch my friends go
leaving only you to care.
But there's always a catch in my mind.
Your consolation wouldn't suffice.

In my self-pitty, time passed me by
Much like the road passes now.
As the car reaches 90,
The dream still refuses to stop.

When time finally stood still,
Ignorance spat in my face.
My eyes only saw you
and you, in turn, saw only him.

Time can't be turned back.
The needle reaches 120.
Both of our curses were swapped
And I started to feel.

I was too slow then,
But I'm not anymore.
The car's reached 130,
embracing the wind as I embrace this steel.

You once asked why I was alone
And now you can be sure:
You knocked down my defense
Just to build up your own.

Now with the pain finally setting in
And the dullness taking hold,
I realize my faults.
I realize the end of my road.

I have no problem saying it was you;
Your warm smile and beautiful eyes.
That sweet voice holds me here.
You're what held me in this dream for so long.

And as I plunge downward,
The car is overturned,
I hope you wake up from your dream.
I pray my wreck will show you your crash.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

This is actually dedicated to my 4 closest friends: Daniel, Jay, Ashley, and Becca. I hope you enjoyed it.

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]When I saw the end of your post I almost backflipped cuz I have a friend named Ashley and Becca who are best friends and know a lot of people, but then I saw you lived in Oklahoma lol. Its a big world.

This poem is awesome in my opinion. I'm no viable critic though, so I hope your able to get a second opinion on this.

Your metaphors are great, your story is cool (albeit depressing) and I like how your character is about to die and is looking back on his thoughts in a form of message. There were a couple parts that I thought could have been taken out*, but overall it was damn good!

My favorite part has to be...

I was too slow then,
But I'm not anymore.
The car's reached 130,
embracing the wind as I embrace this steel.

*[I]You once asked why I was alone
And now you can be sure:
You knocked down my defense
Just to build up your own.[/I]

This line feels repetitive since all this stuff is said in some other way earlier.[/COLOR]

[Darren]

Hey thanks!
So besides taking out that one stanza, do you think it's too long? I've had some people tell me that they think it's way to long, but I said it didn't matter... Opinions?

[2010DigitalBoy]

[QUOTE=Darren]Hey thanks!
So besides taking out that one stanza, do you think it's too long? I've had some people tell me that they think it's way to long, but I said it didn't matter... Opinions?[/QUOTE]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]No way! Your poem is perfect length aside from that stanza which I don't find to be making your poem too long, it's just a bad stanza. I'm glad to see some length variety, so by all means, keep your poems long![/COLOR]