Writing Veridan III - 4157 (second segment) [M-L]

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]This is a section of the rather large maelström of a story that's been swirling around in my head for the better part of six years. It's (the story's) current state is no longer the production of an immature, meandering adolescent imagination; it has long since morphed into something much larger than I could ever hope to completely contain in my memory. What started as a simple "Ooh, what if I was a ____" short story has now grown to demand at least five full-length novels (if I should ever get it all down on paper), and has sprouted two, probably three additional timelines.

I do, however, see it fit to present the possible reader with a small bit of information regarding the following segment, as I am not certain he/she could glean enough from my writings at this point to understand when and where I am. And so, if you will indulge me:

It is currently the year 3887. Why? No particular reason, aside from me wanting to give Earth ample time to develop efficient and timely interplanetery and intergalactic travel and communications. (Is that confusing or what?) Earth has now colonized all of the Andromeda and Pegasus (Andromeda's tiny neighbor, and no relation to SG Atlantis) galaxies, as well as others which I shall determine when I have time. Science and technology have advanced appropriately ? to what extent I am unsure, not being a hardcore nerd/trekkie and all. I do know that weapons have advanced beyond the need for bullets, relying instead on lasers (which require finite cartridges in order to produce lethal wattage) and charged plasma (also ammo dependent) as projectiles. All other firearms, deemed 'fossils' since they used fossil fuels for charges, have been banned and mostly eliminated, though (obviously) they remain on the Black Market, as well as in museums and collectors' auctions. Melee weapons are still around; most swords are now distributed as 'plasma blades', combining micro-gravity wells in the hilt with the concept of 'memory' in metals to assume a preset shape, effectively storing the entire blade inside the hilt until activated. (Somewhat more practical than a lightsaber, eh?) Plasma blades are a fairly recent innovation, so they have yet to fully catch on in the public market, but most militaries across the current colonized world issue plasma battle knives as a standard sidearm.

Recently, a distress call from the planet Kestrel Prime, industrial and commercial icon of Andromeda's beta sector, was recieved by the military of the nearby planet Cirra (nearby meaning closest system), and when the dispatched aid arrived, the planet was found to be utterly desolate. It was evident that fires had ravaged the entire surface, but what was astounding was that there was no ash left anywhere, nor was there any remaining water ? the planet was completely barren. One survivor was discovered in a coma on the Northern hemisphere, completely unscathed. He was taken back to Cirra and placed in a military medical facility until he should wake up.

Enough of my ramblings. On with the narrative.

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[center][size=3][B]II. [I][U]Più lento, ma con disagio.[/U][/I][/B][/size][/center]



















Silence.









Void.






[I]How odd.




Am I?

[indent]I suppose I am.[/indent]


Well, where am I?




Nothing.


Absolutely nothing.


[indent][indent]?how odd.[/indent][/indent]

I recognize this as nothingness, yet, by recognition, I am not a part of that nothing.






Whatever that is.


Whatever [B]I[/B] am.

What am I, anyway?



I am something; I stated that earlier. Besides, abstract thought must come from being, therefore I exist.

Thank you, Descartes.

Whoever you are.


[center]?Interesting.[/center]

I must have some knowledge, or else I would not have mentioned this Descartes.

But where did I acquire it?


Ehhh?.


Knowledge, but no memory.

Except for this?this?

[indent][indent]?nothing.[/indent][/indent]



Right.

Okay, different tactic.
[B]Who[/B] am I?


Andrew.


Brian.


Calvin.

Duncan.

Edward.
Frank.
Gregory. Hugh. Isaac; Joseph; Louis; Kenneth; Jordan; John Jack JaredJacobJames?[/I][/FONT]


[FONT=Courier New][COLOR=Green][JASON][/COLOR][/FONT]




[FONT=Arial][I]Well.


That works.

And it gets me where?


Brother.
[indent]This is enough to drive a being insane.[/indent]


But this makes no sense. I must be something. I can?t exist and be nonexistent. That would contradict existence itself, which is impossible; I?.


Wait a minute?. (get this, I?m telling [B]myself[/B] to wait for me)

What was that?



Sound?

No, it was nothing. Just a?.


[indent][indent]?there it is again.[/indent][/indent]



Focus?.


[/I]??something, sir, but I can?t?.?[I]


Can?t what? What can?t you do?


[/I]??harder, damn it, you?ve got to try!??


??very faint, sir, in and out?.?



??think I heard ? yes! Definitely a heartbeat, sir. It?s extremely unsteady, but it?s getting stronger??[I]


Hmm. I hope they pull him through. Whoever he is.


[/I]?Sir, cerebral activity is approaching normal.?

?He?s breathing, sir!?

?All lifesigns are stabilizing! We?ve got him!?

[indent]*cheers*[/indent]


[I]Hooray, they did it. That?s great. I think.


Hold on?.
(again with the waiting)

What?s that?

It looks like a white (white? what is white?) dot. How did it get there?

It?s getting bigger.
Where did it come from? When did it get there? Why didn?t I see it before? It?s moving towards me; how do I know that; why is it moving towards [B]me[/B]; why is it moving towards me; what does it want with me can I run how do I run I can?tturnIneedtorunawaywhatthehellisthisthingwhycan?tIrun?[/I]


-------------------------------

The alarm on the internal monitor began sounding frantically. Michalson bent over the viewscreen.

?His pulse rate is increasing. His adrenaline levels are skyrocketing; he?s going into synaptic shock!?

The major turned to the panicking doctor.

?Do whatever you have to, anything you think might work. Just don?t lose this guy! He?s the only link we have!?

Michalson turned back to the table, his mind racing. He began issuing tense commands to his orderlies, injecting his rapidly deteriorating patient with sedative after sedative, attempting to quell the struggling body with any method he knew. In spite of his efforts, the patient became more and more violent, wrenching and thrashing against the restraining harnesses. At length, in a final act of desperation, Michalson pulled out the last weapon he had.

?Sixteen-hundred milligrams morphine sulfate,? he said curtly, extending his hand. The nurse with the hypodermic froze.

?Doctor!? she gasped. ?What are you thinking??

Michalson threw up his hands. ?What am I supposed to do?? He stabbed his finger at the internal monitor screen. ?Look at those numbers! I?ve never seen anything that high in my life. Any other patient of mine would have expired by now, to say nothing of the effects of the drugs we?ve already pumped into him.? He stood beside the table with the look of a man who had tried his best and failed. ?I don?t have any other options,? he finished tiredly, running an exasperated hand through his sandy hair. ?Just give me the damned hypo.?

The nurse obliged, recognizing her doctor?s anguish.

Michalson pressed the contact against his patient?s neck and shifted so that he could see the IM. There was no reaction. Michalson sank into a chair, his head in his hands, utterly defeated. The major swore passionately. He ran to the straining body and grabbed its shoulders. He started shaking it violently.

?Damn it, Doe, wake up!? he screamed at it. ?What does it take to snap you out of this??

Michalson?s head jerked up. ?Stop!? he cried. ?What are you doing??

The major was heedless of the doctor?s warning. He continues screaming curses at the unconscious flailing young man. Michalson leapt over to him, trying to wrest him away from his patient.

?What happened to your planet?? the major continued, fighting the doctor with half-crazed fervor. ?Wake up! Don?t you know how much time we?ve invested in you? Goddamn it, man, wake up!? He turned his attention to Michalson. ?Let me go! Let me at him. He?s our only way to find out what happened on Kestrel Prime!?

Michalson continued to push the major away from the table. ?Sir! You don?t know what you?re doing! Calm down!?

The two men?s struggle was abruptly arrested by the scream of one of the nurses.
John Doe had broken the harnesses and was sitting bolt upright on the table.

-------------------------------



-------------------------------

The male?s expression was one of pure shock. He was looking around the ward as if he was seeing for the first time, seemingly unaware that he was holding a plasma blade out across him at arms length.

?Don?t hurt me,? he said haltingly, as if testing his neural speech centers. Michalson looked at him in amazement.

?Hurt you?? he replied incredulously. ?I wouldn?t dare come near you while you?re holding that sword.?

John Doe regarded the blade in his right hand with a curious fascination. ?Interesting,? he commented. He spun it a few times and pointed it at the far wall. ?It?s remarkably well-balanced,? he observed calmly. He then pulled it to him and scrutinized the hilt. ?A touch sensor.? He stroked it gently. An electric field ran across the blade, and it collapsed into the hilt. ?Ingenious. A portable lethal weapon.? The young man looked sideways at the major. ?How did I come by it?? he queried.

The major was flabbergasted. ?I was about to ask you the same question,? he responded. All trace of desperation had left, and he was back in control of his emotions. ?And, given the?singular nature of the current situation, I will require that you relinquish the weapon to me,? he added.

?Certainly,? the boy answered without a hint of misgiving. The major stepped to the table and extended his hand for the hilt, which the boy dutifully placed in the outstretched palm. The major stepped back a pace so as not to seem imposing.

?Now,? the lieutenant continued, ?let?s get down to business.? He turned to Michalson. ?Doctor, would you mind removing the rest of the restraints??

Michalson looked at the major dumbly.

?The restraints, doctor. If you please.?

Michalson snapped out of his stupor and moved over to undo the harnesses still holding the patient?s lower body to the table. The major pulled up a chair for the young man and settled himself into another. John Doe sat, his demeanor placid.

?If I could have a moment with the boy, Doctor,? the major requested. Michalson nodded and motioned the nurses out of the room.

The major gave Michalson a hard look.

?Alone.?

?With all due respect, sir, he is still my patient,? said Michalson. The lieutenant glared at him; Michalson held his ground. ?I need to monitor him in case he has a relapse.?

The lieutenant let it go. He knew better than to press this kind of issue with Michalson; the doctor was one of those few who held their practice higher than their rank, and besides, after their brief wrestling match he doubted he could force the deceptively slender doctor from the room, despite his training. He turned to the young man, pulling out a datapad.

?My name is Major Jordan,? he began. ?I am going to ask you a series of questions, and I sincerely hope you will answer them to the best of your ability.? It bothered him a little to be so direct in his speech, but the young man had clearly demonstrated ample mastery of his intellect, so Jordan saw no reason to treat him a child.

The patient nodded assent.

?Right, then. First off, who are you??

The young man looked confused. ?I beg your pardon??

?Who are you?? Jordan repeated, giving the young man a curious look. ?What is your name??

?Ah.? Comprehension flashed across the young man?s face. ?I am Jason.?

?Jason?,? the majort prompted. The boy thought for a moment.

?Jason,? he mused. ?Jason, Jason?.Sterling. Yes,? he finished, ?that?s it. Jason Robert Sterling.?

?Jason...Robert?Sterling,? Jordan repeated slowly, his fingers moving across the datapad. He sent a queer look in Michalson?s direction. ?All right then, Mr. Sterling, how old are you??

?I don?t know.?

Jordan started and glanced at Michalson, who had already bent over a display screen.

?About twenty years,? the doctor supplied.

?Years?? asked Jordan. Michalson shrugged.

?His physiology is very similar to Earthlings.?

?Really,? Jordan noted. ?Then you aren?t a native Kestrel,? he told the young man.

?Native what??

Jordan began to be slightly suspicious. ?What was the last thing you remember before waking up here??

?Nothing.?

The major was visibly staggered. ?Do what!??

?Nothing,? the boy repeated nonchalantly. ?That?s it. Just a lot of nothing.?

?Go on,? encouraged Jordan slowly.

?It was dark,? the young man began, ?really dark. So dark you could write on it in black and it would show up. And then I realized it was dark; that there was nothing there, and I wasn?t part of it. I realized that I must exist and began attempting to find out what I was. After a while ? it could have been a?minute or?a year ? I heard noises: you,? he said, pointing to Michalson, then to Jordan, ?and you. You were talking about something ? me, I guess. Then I saw a white dot that kept growing larger and then I was here.?

Major Jordan shot a quizzical look at Michalson, searching for a sign of understanding on the doctor?s face. The doctor was astounded.

?Was there anything before that? Anything at all?? the major pressed.

The young man thought. ?No, just?nothing,? he replied.

Jordan tossed his datapad onto a nearby table.

?I guess that?s about does it, then,? he said resignedly. ?I can?t very well ask you anything about your past if you don?t know who you are.? He turned his chair towards Michalson. ?Any thoughts, doctor??

? I ? well I ? no, but ? ? Michalson spluttered. ?I mean ? well, I?ll have to run the usual tests ? ?

?As per protocol; of course, doctor.? Jordan rose, collecting his pad and the hilt of the plasma blade. ?Well, since there seems to be nothing else I can gather here, I suppose I?ll let you get started. I have superiors to meet with.? As he left, he placed a hand on Michalson?s shoulder and leaned in. ?Oh, and doctor?? he added quietly. ?I had family on Kestrel; if you wouldn?t mind, could you keep my little?indiscretion out of your report? I?d appreciate it.?

Michalson was silent until Major Jordan had left and the door had hissed shut behind him. He sighed. Of course he wouldn?t say anything. The past few days had been emotionally taxing for everyone, himself included. He wondered who could possibly remain unaffected after the loss of such an industrial crux. [I]The Massacre of Kestrel Prime[/I], the media was already calling it. An entire planet destroyed in less than two hours, burnt completely to the ground, and this boy the only survivor. This ?Jason Sterling?, found on the surface without so much as a scratch on him, to say nothing of burns. This enigma, who was the only key to the mystery of the planet?s destruction, who conveniently held no memories save his name.

This enigma, whom he now had to run standard immigration tests on. He pushed the button that signaled his on-duty nurse.

?Well,? he said, smiling, ?this won?t take long. Shall we get started??

?Certainly,? Jason replied.

-------------------------------

-------------------------------

[I]I do not understand. Was this necessary?[/I][/FONT]
[indent][FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]Of course.[/FONT][/indent]
[FONT=Arial][I]But this is madness! It makes no sense.
[right]I am afraid I must agree. The darkness has claimed
many lives unchallenged. Your methods confuse us.[/right][/I][/FONT]
[indent][FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]I know.[/FONT][/indent]
[FONT=Arial][I]Then you must explain yourself![/I][/FONT]
[indent][FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]I say what I have always said.[/FONT][/indent]
[FONT=Arial][right][I]And that is?[/I][/right][/FONT]
[indent][FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]Wait and see. My plans are set in motion. All that happens now, happens.[/FONT][/indent]
[FONT=Arial][right][I]So then, your hope is with them?[/I][/right][/FONT]
[indent][FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]Yes.[/FONT][/indent]
[FONT=Arial][I]I suppose now the question is, will they
recognize what they have been given?
And will they know to use it?[/I][/FONT]
[indent][FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]We shall see.[/FONT][/indent]
[FONT=Arial][I][right]Which is all we can do at present. As always,
we will trust your judgment in this matter.[/right]
Yes.[/I][/FONT]















[indent][FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]So it begins.[/FONT][/indent]

[SunfallE]

[COLOR=RoyalBlue]First of all I think you?ve got an interesting story here, there isn?t enough of it for me to truly gauge what I think of it, but I will address what seems off to me. The first thing is your use of empty space to make it seem as if the person is in a state of semi-consciousness, though it?s effective, it?s also a bit overdone and the constant need to scroll just to read a sentence or two was a bit distracting. Next I?ll address a couple of areas as listed here:[QUOTE=Allamorph][FONT=Arial]?Sixteen-hundred milligrams morphine sulfate,? he said curtly, extending his hand. The nurse with the hypodermic froze.

?Doctor!? she gasped. ?What are you thinking??
[I][B]//Snip//[/B][/I]
?Certainly,? the boy answered without a hint of misgiving. The major stepped to the table and extended his hand for the hilt, which the boy dutifully placed in the outstretched palm. The major stepped back a pace so as not to seem imposing.

?Now,? the lieutenant continued, ?let?s get down to business.? He turned to Michalson. ?Doctor, would you mind removing the rest of the restraints??

Michalson looked at the lieutenant dumbly.

?The restraints, doctor. If you please.?

Michalson snapped out of his stupor and moved over to undo the harnesses still holding the patient?s lower body to the table. The major pulled up a chair for the young man and settled himself into another. John Doe sat, his demeanor placid.

?If I could have a moment with the boy, Doctor,? the major requested. Michalson nodded and motioned the nurses out of the room.[/FONT][/QUOTE]I?m kind of curious as to what the morphine sulfate is suppose to do. Only because I understood it to be a painkiller and not something that would stop the type of reaction he?s having, my medical knowledge is very limited and that part confuses me.

The next part you switched from calling one character major and then to calling them lieutenant and then back to major again. Unless you actually are referring to two different people with that conversation, because I got the impression that other than the doctor and his staff there was only the major there.

Other than that it?s certainly an interesting story and I?m curious to see where you go with it. ^_~[/COLOR]

[kalon]

Editing before gushing, so...

Like [b]SunfallE[/b], I didn't think the major/lieutenant switch was on purpose. If it's a mistake, it's not too big of a deal. I personally switch up names all the time without meaning to, especially if a character does not have a "finalized" name. If, however, the major and the lieutenant are [i]meant[/i] to be separate characters, it would be better to give each more distinct personality.

Still going off SunfallE's remarks, for the morphine sulfate, you could just add in some little apositive telling what it is. (I don't know too much medically, either, so it just helps to know if it's for pain or calming the person down or whatever it is.)

And towards the end, I think there's an italicization mistake, starting here:
[quote name='Allamorph] He wondered who could possibly remain unaffected after the loss of such an industrial crux. [i]The Massacre of Kestrel Prime[I'], the media was already calling it. //snip[/i][/quote]

Finally, at the beginning where you explain the setting and events a bit, why not make it into a prologue? That's what it felt like while reading, but's it's all a matter of personal taste.

For the story itself, I'm intrigued. Sci-fi is not usually a genre I'm interested in, but this one just catches my eye. I like how Jason seems almost naive. Like when he's holding the plasma blade, and his reaction to everything is just, "Huh. I've been strapped down, it seems. What an interesting weapon." He seems pretty laid back. And at the end, with the unnamed voices speaking, my guess is that the "them" they are referring to might be Jason and Michalson.

I can't wait for the next part of this. If you have enough for several novels, I'm hoping to see a lot more of it.

[Allamorph]

[quote name='SunfallE][COLOR=RoyalBlue']First of all I think you?ve got an interesting story here, there isn?t enough of it for me to truly gauge what I think of it, but I will address what seems off to me. The first thing is your use of empty space to make it seem as if the person is in a state of semi-consciousness, though it?s effective, it?s also a bit overdone and the constant need to scroll just to read a sentence or two was a bit distracting.[/COLOR][/quote]
[FONT=Arial]Yeah, I'm acutely aware of that unfortunate fact. What also contributed to the empty space was the lack of the first-line indent option I am so used to. I had actually planned on possibly condensing that text a little after seeing what it looked like on paper.

I was actually going more for the mind separated from the body, but semi-conscious works too.
[quote name='SunfallE][COLOR=RoyalBlue']I?m kind of curious as to what the morphine sulfate is suppose to do. Only because I understood it to be a painkiller and not something that would stop the type of reaction he?s having, my medical knowledge is very limited and that part confuses me.[/COLOR][/quote]
[I]GAHHH!![/I] Of all the things for you to call me on, that had to be it. I need to go back and check my data, but what I was trying to emphasize was the 1600 mg. I know morphine is a painkiller, but at the time I was just throwing down a placeholder until I found a suitable powerful sedative. After I finish [I]that[/I] bit of research I will increase the dosage appropriately; I am aiming for something just past lethal. Remember:
[QUOTE][FONT=Arial]He began issuing tense commands to his orderlies, [U]injecting his rapidly deteriorating patient with sedative after sedative[/U], attempting to quell the struggling body with any method he knew.[/FONT][/QUOTE]
Jason's already got a crapload of drugs in him and is still unaffected. It will make sense (much) later, but at this point I am trying to make him as much of a peculiarity as possible.
[quote name='SunfallE][COLOR=RoyalBlue']The next part you switched from calling one character major and then to calling them lieutenant and then back to major again. Unless you actually are referring to two different people with that conversation, because I got the impression that other than the doctor and his staff there was only the major there.[/COLOR][/quote]
You're right. There are only the doctor, Jordan, and the nurse staff. I had just recently nailed down my military ranking systems for Andromeda, and since 2nd and 1st Lieutenant are the lowest officer positions, I felt Jordan needed to be a bit higher, especially handling such a weird case as J. Sterling. Just me missing an edit.
[quote name='kalon']And towards the end, I think there's an italicization mistake....[/quote]
Yep. Forgot a slash. (Jays, formatting this thing was a nightmare!)
[quote name='kalon']Finally, at the beginning where you explain the setting and events a bit, why not make it into a prologue? That's what it felt like while reading, but's it's all a matter of personal taste.[/quote]
I did. Just to remind you, the header for this segment read:

[center][size=3][B]II. [U][I]Più lento, ma con disagio.[/I][/U][/B][/size][/center]

This is a musical solo reference which means "Movement two ? More slowly, but with discomfort". The section before this was where I began the Sonata, with "I. [I]Allegro con scossa[/I]", or "Fast, with shock" (translations are...interesting), and the information about Kestrel Prime, as far as the characters know, is given there. I started with the Voices (who are referring to mortals in general), in the Prelude. Incidentally, the left Voice is Vigilance, while the right Voice is Wisdom. Don't ask about the third ? he isn't fully revealed for a long time, and I'm still not completely sure who he is. O.o I know his name and his appearance, but I can say nothing.

The main reason for my pithy intro was to set some facts straight, such as the plasma blade. It is so named because the blade's metal when inside the hilt is held in a plasmatic state, due to the micro-gravity well. An electric field is used to stimluate the transition from plasma to solid and back. I just wanted to distance myself from Halo, since I came up with the concept/name before the game's release.

Thanks for the comments and encouragement. I shall see about posting other segments here, since I have good people to bounce things off of. Don't count on it being sequential, though....[/FONT]