Writing Kenzoku [PG/T]

[Doublehex]

[RIGHT][B]Prologue[/B][/RIGHT]


As the Marajin stared out the window of his private chambers, he began to believe that the Country of the Flame would be going through a very cold season. From the crack in the window, a chilly breeze flew in, confirming his suspicions (as well as blowing some of his hair in front of his face). Annoyed, he forced the gray strands back into shape.

As he stared into the evening sky, the Marajin began to think. In the world that was called the Rising Sun, there are seven countries that are world powers. These seven countries control the world; no other country matters, for they are weak and the Seven are supreme. The seven countries are Flame, Earth, Storm, Wave, Frost, Thunder and Wolf.

Each country, a member of the Seven or otherwise, was ruled by a Feudal Lord, and he could have as many advisors as a thousand, or just one. Each country chose to, for the sake of power, fund and control a shinobi academy. Each academy (which was essential a city, and thus, considered one) was ruled by a Jin, who was a politically influential as any advisor.

Sakurai was the Marajin of Disbakao, the Academy the Flame funded. As a result, he had many responsibilities on his shoulders. The most bothersome one was, despite his old age of sixty seven, he was expected to travel thousands of miles every year to the capital to celebrate a great festival.

Fortunately, it was the month of the Horse, and the said festival would not occur for another three months, in the month of the Sheep. When this thought came to his mind, the Marajin sighed. He hated traveling greatly, but he hated the festivals even more. Disbakao, even though it was a city [I]and[/I] an academy of shinobis, was very peaceful. Any time throughout the day, wherever you were, you could see birds chirping, or the swaying of cherry blossom trees in the spring.

The festival, on the other hand, was louder than a thousand dragon cannons firing at once. Children squealing like hundreds of pigs destined for the butchers; men whooping like a bunch of hill men after a barbaric feast, and woman moving from one side of the city to the next, their getas not unified in the parade of clanking wood. It?s a horrid experience for an old man like the Marajin who only wants peace and the true laughter of children. That, and a good bottle of sake to calm the nerves.

When the word sake came across the Marajin?s mind, his thoughts returned to the topic of responsibilities he had to face. The laws decreed that he was allowed only one bottle of the beloved drink every night. This by itself was not a problem, since normally he drank just a small glass every few weeks. However, at times of great annoyance, such as him reviewing students who wish to graduate the school, his wish for more than a bottle was very troublesome indeed.

Remembering his duties, and how anxious he was as a student about the reviewing process, he closed the doors behind him. He lightly, and soberly, picked up the white tokkuri bottle of sake, and poured himself a glass in his ochoko cup. Restraining himself, he took a sip of the beloved drink, and put it back down on his desk before reviewing another pile of students.

It had been two weeks since the final year?s classes had ceased and the reviewing process began. That class had six hundred and two students; six hundred and two souls who have been training for the past ten or nine years. The reasoning behind each student was different; why they all wished to be shinobis were not the same. What they hoped to achieve by being a shinobi was different from each other. But the one thing they all shared was they wanted to be a shinobi.

And that dream could be fulfilled, or destroyed, by a single pen stroke.

The Marajin licked his finger and pulled four sheets from a stack. He neatly placed them across his desk.

The specimens were: Shinji Zukachi, Izumi Tensun, Kaname Uzuki, and Orochi Hebi.

Of the four, the Marajin was most familiar with Orcohi, since both were from the same Clan. Detested by the majority of Disbakao, the Hebi clan was infamous for having the blood of the snake god, Susanoo. That, and a Hebi?s ability to stretch their body parts beyond what one could be considered human, and you had what some paranoid fools would call demons donning human flesh.

In fact, it was a wonder that Sakurai managed to become a Marajin at all, considering his racial history. But to recall the series of events that brought him to where he was now would take a whole night, and he had a job to do.

The Marajin began to think about Orochi some more. It was very common for a Hebi to leave the Academy, or kill themselves out of the sheer amount of inner torture they go through just by breathing. And yet, to come so far, to fight against such an overwhelming force of prejudice, and not show any sign of depression, this Orochi had to be a psychologically strong individual. The Marajin didn?t have to read any document to realize that.

But a strong shield against racism alone did not make a suitable shinobi. Taking another sip of sake, the Marajin took a look at Orochi.

Everything about the young man seemed to fall into what one would call normal until the Marajin noticed the man was missing for an [I]entire[/I] year. Of course, he knew about the scandal; there wasn?t a soul in Disbakao who had at least a slither of the truth (or at least as much truth as was left after all the rumors and gossips). But the only ones who knew the whole truth was the Hebi Clan, himself, and a few of the instructors.

Everything else was well told lies, if well told at all.

But after his return, Orochi returned to become one of the better students Disbakao had to offer. Not exactly a genius, but he certainly showed skills and intelligence that was above the norm.

There were a few other problems, however. One was that he was hard to deal with. The Marajin knew that Orochi was one to cooperate easily with others. The problem was that others had trouble dealing with him; if it weren?t for the rumors, it was his smile. Orochi had what some called a smile of a snake; in almost every situation, he smiled. When angered, he smiled. When insulting, he had a smile. When complimenting, he had a smile. No one knew what his true emotions on anything were.

The Marajin didn?t know what to do with Orochi. He had excellent marks, worked well in a team (even if a team didn?t work well with him), and the Marajin had little doubt he would be one of the greater students to graduate from this year.

But if a team can?t work with Orochi, then its just as bad if Orochi wasn?t a team player to begin with.

With a sigh, the Marajin gave his signature, and pushed him to the succeed pile. He began to wonder if he was being to kind in his old age. Maybe he was just desperate for the Lord to get off his back for not having enough amazing shinobis graduate out of the doors of Disbakao.

Then he set eyes on Kaname Uzuki. A very special girl indeed; just by the fact that she specialized in taijutsu (martial arts), one could get a feeling she exhibited ?special? personality traits. If you actually met the woman, your suspicions would be a definite yes. Having been raised by one of the more famous shinobis, Tae Uzuki, Kaname developed quite an over superiority complex. She was also quite the tomboy, acting, moving and talking just as foul (if not worse) than a sake loving grunt.

But her skills were extraordinary; she failed in tactics, espionage, and the other quiet traits one would expect, but give her an enemy that needed every bone in their body reduced to dust, and no one would qualify best for the job than her. Well, no one except the next ranked shinobi, but among her classmates, she was an excellent hand to hand to fighter.

But the Marajin didn?t know everything about the girl. He set his eyes on the notes her Instructors had written. Most of them were minor, such as she was quick to sleep in class, or was more likely to doodle than take notes. The Instructors were very picky these days. At least they weren?t quick to slap a student like the Marajin?s Instructors were thirty or so years ago.

There was a note, however, that caused the Marajin some worry. ?Kaname is very loud, and almost uncaring in the classroom. On the training field, she was constantly trying to do better than her team mates. Her teams would fail most of the tests as a result.?

What was he to do? Kaname was a rarity among taijutsu users, but if she can?t work with others, she might as well be an idiot among her pupils.

But what if she could learn? Her foster mother was in a similar boat when she was Kaname?s age. And her sensei knocked a few sense into the shinobi. Kaname, under the right teacher, would definitely learn the meaning of the word team.

Biting his lip (he had made mistakes before), the Marajin gave his signature. He placed the approved student with the others.

With an uneasy eye, he took a glance at the next pupil: Izumi Tensun. Izumi was, in the most plain, inaccurate, bare, and few words as possible, a monster. More accurately, he was a psychopath. He originally came from the Country of the Storm, and was the subject of a few questionable events. These ?events? eventually reached the breaking point where he was ordered to be assassinated.

He survived all of the assassinations. When Marajin first heard about this from the Strojin, the Jin of the Academy of Storm, Suvakao, the Hebi could not believe his ears. How could a mere boy survive those attacks? Especially from tajins, who are squad leaders of each choujin team?

These were shinobis that were one rank below of a Jin, and thus, are the second strongest shinobis in each country.

And a boy, a mere seven year old, killed the ones sent for him? Each and every time?

At that meeting four years ago, the Marajin believed it was a sickening joke. But then, he looked into the eyes of that dark eyed boy. He didn?t see someone who was human; he saw a monster.

The Marajin at once knew it was a true. Knowing that the boy had a better chance of surviving psychologically in Disbakao then in the world of assassins that was Suvakao, he agreed to buy the poor child.

A master of earth based ninjutsu (shinobi magic), Izumi quickly became a noticeable icon of Disbakao. But it wasn?t because of his genius skills. It was because they saw him as a monster just waiting to be released, and unfortunately, the Marajin had to agree with him. He wanted to say they were wrong, that deep down Izumi had a soul; he had ambitions, dreams, he had a heart.

But even he couldn?t deny Izumi?s way of the ninja: [I]?I live to see my enemies dead. I confirm my existence as a being of flesh and blood by killing those stronger than me.?[/I]

Izumi was a psychopath in every sense of the word. But he could not be disposed of; as a boy, he was powerful enough to kill tajins, but if only because his ?powers? were not easily controlled by will, but by emotion. No child can control their emotions easily; thus, Izumi?s power was uncontrollable. And when fear over rules reason, when power is calculated by that overwhelming fear, it is easy enough to understand how the boy survived.

The Marajin bit sharply on his thumb; should the boy pass? He certainly has the skills of a shinobi, but, his mentality is almost non existent. That horrible existence set the path for him to become a monster. And even though he has been able to control his emotions, and thus, to an extent, his powers, can Izumi be trusted with others? Should he be isolated, where he can?t harm anyone?

Or will being with people, with having to rely on people (no matter how remotely), will that resurrect his soul?

The Marajin contemplated the possibility. It was a slim chance at best. The possibility of the inhuman Izumi actually becoming a being with a heart was barely even calculable. It was hard to see how a man whose eyes along give the appearance of a demon, could find the mutilated remains of a spirit within himself.

But if he had that chance, even if it was a slither of a chance, should Izumi be granted it?

Or should the greater possibility of Izumi, in some brutal rampage fueled by his bloodlust, killing his team mates take the greater priority?

The Marajin with his hands folded below his chin, would stare at the document for a long time. Many beliefs, theories and wishes came into his mind as a result.

He didn?t know when it happened, but he eventually gave his signature. With his best wishes, he tenderly placed the document with the other accepted students. He glanced at it for one last time before setting his eyes on the next student: Shinji Zukachi.

Of the four students that he had randomly grabbed, Shinji was the only one the Marajin would have to rely entirely on the document for any information.

The first thing that the old wise man noticed was the boy?s hair: it was a deep orange. In the Land of the Rising Sun, the vast majority of hair was a deep black, and eyes were brown. Other hair colors, such as blonde and brown, were seen, but they were rarities.

Already, this Shinji Zukachi had gotten the Marajin?s attention. With a small bit of excitement, the Marajin began to read the background on him.

?Born and raised up to his fifth birthday in an unstated city outside of Disbakao?. After reading that statement, the Marajin paused to consider the complexity of the statement. Disbakao, despite the propaganda of being the Academy of shinobis of honor and dignity, was an elitist city. Those who were citizens of Disbakao, even if they were not shinobis or related to any, considered themselves better than any outsider, a countrymen of the Flame or otherwise. Those who moved into the city, no matter how old or young they were, were looked on as if they were a bug.

When the Marajin read ?Isolated?alone, rarely seen with others. Not seen with citizens of Disbakao [I]or[/I] immigrants?, he was not surprised in the least. Anyone who moved into Disbakao would have to form a community with other immigrants. They had no chance being with a true citizen of Disbakao.

But Shinji, he isolated himself from both classes. The Marajin never heard of anyone do that.

He read on. The document stated that the boy specialized in Fyuujin-Ru style of fire based taijutsu. It was the iconic taijutsu style of Disbakao, a combination of multiple, somewhat over dramatic punches, and, obviously enough, fire. The user forces their chi to form into fire, or more specifically, kounen (chi created fire), around their hands. Using this, the kounen can become an extended part of the hand, as it were. On top of the burnt damage the target will receive, he also has to deal with the Fyuujin-Ru?s extended range.

But just because it was the icon of Disbakao did not mean the Fyuujin-Ru was easily mastered. If you counted the estimated twenty thousand students that entered the Disbakao Academy over a one hundred year period, only six hundred applied just for the class. Of that six hundred, three hundred survived their training without lighting themselves on fire.

Of that three hundred, only eighty graduated.

It is a style used for those who don?t give a damn about their lives. They risk endangering in just lighting a spark for a candle. To control the kounen, one must have massive chi control as a prime quality. One cannot minor in chi consumption and specialize in Fyuujin-Ru. The two go hand in hand.

The training of Fyuujin-Ru was a team effort ? every student was usually paired, usually to compensate each other. This way, they would teach each other what they lack.

But Shinji, he isolated himself. The document said he formed no relationships with anyone.

It stated he trained by himself.

The Marajin read on, expecting to find that Shinji considered him superior to everyone, that he was too proud to train with everyone. ?Why should I train with you?? That was a line he was expecting this Shinji Zukachi to say.

But the document proved him wrong. It said that his parents ?left the world? around his fifth birthday.

That was when the pieces began to fall into place. The Marajin had seen a few other Shinji?s before; the Loner, the one who lost everything long ago, and would rather walk alone, die alone, than risk facing that pain again.

The Marajin laughed. He laughed so loud that he was afraid he was going to wake everyone up in the vicinity.

If Shinji wanted to be alone, the Marajin was going to make him be with people.

Without even looking at his marks, since to be a Fyuujin-Ru user and be alive this long usually meant you were graded with good marks, he gave his signature and placed the document with the other passed students.

?That?s enough for now?, the Marajin decided. Getting up, placing his quills back in their draw, along with the inkwells, he went for his bed.

He had a feeling this was going to be a [I]very[/I] good year.

And his assumptions were rarely wrong.
[INDENT]As you can guess, this novel was inspired by Naruto. You can spot a few similarities, I'm sure. But if Kenzoku is similar to Naruto, it would be in the same way The Sword of Shanarra is similiar to The Lord of the Rings.

Please tell me what you think, with both positive, and negative feedback. Thanks.
[/INDENT]

[Dragon Warrior]

Well, as you know, I have no knowledge of shinobis pretty much. Plus, I've never seen Naruto nor read the manga, so I can't really slam you for being too similar to it as you said. So I'll get to the essentials, especially since you're not just writing for fans of shinobis, but for the little guys like me who have no prior intellect on the subject.

Here's the nitty-gritty: You have pretty good grammar. A few spelling errors arose, but that's most likely typos and can easily be fixed with a quick look over. (Like you spelt capital wrong in one of the starting paragraphs). My main concern is it's hard to follow. It can be a bit confusing, not because the facts are vague, but because you jump around a lot. Something will be going on or it's being explained and you suddenly throw a note in about something that you felt should also be known. The funny thing is, in real novels, those would be excellent spots for endnotes ;) You can do the same thing here too. Let me show you...
[indent]He survived all of the assassinations. When Marajin first heard about this from the Strojin, the Jin of the Academy of Storm, Suvakao, the Hebi could not believe his ears. [b]How could a mere boy ? the Strojin said Izumi was seven when the Jin gave the order ? survive these attacks.[/b] Especially from tajins, who are squad leaders of each choujin team?[/indent]
It's true that explaining he was seven is a valuable fact, but it's not properly placed in the text. What I said before about the endnotes could be particularly helpful to you. Instead of doing it that way, you can do it like this:

[indent]He survived all of the assassinations. When Marajin first heard about this from the Strojin, the Jin of the Academy of Storm, Suvakao, the Hebi could not believe his ears. How could a mere boy survive these attacks? [1] Especially from tajins, who are squad leaders of each choujin team?

Blah blah blah. END OF PROLOGUE.

[size=1]1.) The Strojin said Izumi was seven when the Jin gave the order for his assassination.[/size][/indent]
The thing with endnotes is you can have these facts given, but not interrupt what is being said in the main text. All the reader has to do is, when they see a number next to the statement, they have to simply scroll down to the bottom where the story is done and read the endnote with that number. Now, obviously you can just revise your sentences; you don't necessarily have to write endnotes. It's just an idea and they can be fun to use.

Having said that, your grammar wasn't the only good thing. You built up some interesting characters and backgrounds that make the reader eager to see how these four students progress. I'm not aware of the termonology (Marajin, etc.), but as the story progressed, I put two and two together and got the main idea of it. So I think it's going well. There are just those few things to keep in mind:

[list][*]Proof-read for typos if you haven't already. (Sometimes you miss them).
[*]Avoid rambling and jumping around your facts.
[*]Remember that you're writing for those not-so-knowledgeable of the subject. Then again, not everyone is as stupid as me when it comes to things like shinobis.[/list]

Good luck with the rest.

[Idyllwyld]

First off, just a formatting comment. Towards the latter half your paragraphs become choppier and shorter. Now I understand where you're coming from; it's for dramatic effect. I am fond of doing it as well. But many of your one-liners can be merged with other short bits to form more full-looking paragraphs. It flows easier and looks better--isolated lines should be used sparingly if they are to communicate the emphasis that you want.

Now, I was able to follow along with the characters a bit better, but I admit that's because I was able to read through their bio sheets beforehand. To the completely uninitiated, as Dragon Warrior was, I can see how names, places, and events could seem more dumped on you as the reader.

Lastly, you may need to revise how exactly the Marajin is looking over the students. He doesn't know them; all he knows of them is what he is reading. This is from his perspective. I think there's a bit more detail as you describe the four characters that has bled from your, as the Author, perspective. Remember what the Marajin would be seeing, reading, and therefore judging on. Or, what you can do is keep the detail, but in your writing mention what details are in the reports that lead to his conclusions. For example:

-Kaname is very loud in class. Brash, competitive, and constantly seeking to best her peers.
"Ah, it sounds like she has a superiority complex..."

Perhaps not that obvious and crude, but you get my drift.

For the most part, I do like it. Overall, it?s a creative way of introducing the main characters. Of course it?s an imperfect perspective, as it isn?t from a third-party objective view but just a third-party subjective view (in other words you, as the Author, aren?t describing them, but the Marajin and the reports, as characters within the story itself, are describing them), and that is good. You don?t want to give everything away, plus it makes the characters more involved. This becomes more of a story and less of a narrative.

Keep up the good work; I look forward to seeing these four in action.

[Lazarus]

Pretty good. I agree with the idea about endnotes, but perhaps use footnotes instead. Endnotes (as implied) take residence at the end of a story. Using footnotes which appear at the bottom of a page is usually a much better idea, as a reader then won't forget to check about facts that might be interesting, and should they forget the context of the information, all they have to do is look upwards a bit.

I do see some character similarities. I just think it's kinda cheap that they're so much like their counterparts in Naruto. Maybe they just don't have enough depth yet, but it seemed shallow, like the other characters were just there to give your character Shinji more focus. He's already special in that he uses this iconic yet esoteric style of combat. Next he'll have flawless chi control and limitless chi reserves. Naruto made the same mistake with Sakura, making her a weak, pointless character before the timeskip, while all the focus was on Naruto and Sasuke.

Be more concrete with your world details. Don't explain things as they come up, instead, do a fly-by setting introduction where you use and introduce everything by virtue of the fly-on-the-wall POV before stepping into the Marajin's role.

[Doublehex]

[INDENT]Hooray up for updates! Okay, I changed the Prologue a lot, so you can re-read it if you desire. It was mostly be just adding some detail on Kaname, as well as fixing some typos 'like lame and capitol'.

Everyone, thanks for you feedback. Really, it helps me alot, and encourages me even more. So, continue with the criticism, good and bad!

Well, with that out of the way, onto the first Chapter.[/INDENT] [RIGHT][RIGHT][B]Chapter One[/B][/RIGHT][/RIGHT]
[RIGHT][RIGHT][B]A Frosted Day[/B][/RIGHT][/RIGHT]
[RIGHT][RIGHT][/RIGHT][/RIGHT]

Within the next two month, the month of the Dragon, all of Disbakao found that their Marajin?s suspicion was true.

It was indeed a very cold season. The Country of the Flame, as its name suggested, was not known for having snow. That?s not to say it was barren ? on the contrary, a good portion of the landscape was made up of forests and lakes. But for some reason or another, the Country of the Flame just did [I]not[/I] get snow.

So, as one would suspect, Disbakao was in a glorious celebration over the white particles. Children were outside, in as few or many clothes as they had, throwing snowballs at each others. Many shops were closed, and adults were taking part in the celebration one way or another.

But there were those who did not have any part in it. It could be because in just a few days, those who were given graduation notices were to become hajin ranked shinobis, and they were getting ready for it. The notices were sent out a month prior, and the week following many clans and families were holding small parties for the graduates.

It could also be because tomorrow would be the day that the graduates would be given their ?wasuka?. In the world of shinobi, nothing can be so well known, and yet, just as mysterious, as wasuka. Wasuka are, in the plainest terms, an item, where they would be a weapon or an ordinary item that housed a spirit which acted as a mentor, teacher, and friend to each shinobi.

But the wasuka was much more than that. Wasuka was an extension of oneself; it reflected an individual?s philosophy, personalities and virtues. It was a physical representation of the usually secrets that are kept within a man?s heart.

It evolved with the shinobi; it grew with them. As the shinobi became stronger, the wasuka would gain the ability to activate three additional stages, beyond its passive stage, the bakhan.

The wasuka was the reason why Shinji Zukachi chose to, so typical of himself, stay in his apartment rather than enter the frosted realm.

The boy was scared of his wasuka?of what his would be. He was scared because he had no idea what it could be, and the orange haired graduate was petrified of the unknown. He hated not knowing things, to be weak in one retrospect. To not know what item would represent him made him fearful.

He wanted to know how people would view him when they first set their eyes on his wasuka. Would they think of him as the lover, the madman, the conqueror? Perhaps he could be the thief, the persuader, the warrior.

He could be a million things.

And he didn?t know a single one of them.

With a sigh, Shinji rolled over off of his bed, and fell softly onto the floor. He went to pick up his jacket, a grayish-green variant with a hood, crumpled on the floor, as well as a black shirt. He slipped both on, as well as a pair of black pants and blue-yellow shoes.

Shinji scratched the back of his pale neck before deciding to bring along a pack of the iconic shinobi knives, kunai. The blades of each kunai were shaped like a small arrow, with a rod extending from the blade, a ring merged at the end. It was a very versatile weapon; although commonly used for long distance strikes, they also served as a quick replacement for swords and other hand to hand weapons.


When the citizens of Disbakao saw the pale skinned Shinji walking the streets, most ignored them. Not only was a foreigner, but one that purposely decided he was too good for them (or, at least that?s what they wanted to think). A few, however, started talking amongst themselves.

?That good for nothing brat, that?s what he is?, said Madame Suucho. She was the wife of the fruit merchant Kuruso, and was a well respected man at that. ?He keeps to himself, because he thinks he?s away from here. Look at how he walks! ?I am better?, that?s what it says!?

?You are right there, Suucho?, a man scrapping ice off from a window agreed. ?They?re all like that ? proud good for nothing ingrates, the lot of them. But that boy keeps away from both sides; immigrants and us!?

They were outside a small bar, and its owner, Jutcho Kurase, was a well known spreader of tales. He was held in high regard within twenty blocks of his fine establishment; many believed his stories were true, if only because they were so well told. Everyone believed him to be a fine example of story tellers (him included!).

Once Jutcho heard the two talking about Shinji, he decided it was time the story of the boy (as he declared) to be told. So, he gathered everyone that was in ear shots of him ? children, adults idle or buys, beggars, it didn?t matter ? into a circle, got a small crate to use as a seat, asked for a cup of sake, and began his tale.

?That boy you see?, he began in a hushed whisper, ?is Shinji Zukachi. He comes from some small city not too far from here. You could walk there in a couple of days if you were some normal folk. His parents weren?t no honest folk, though, like you fine ladies and men and myself! No, his father was in charge of a whore house, and his mother was one of them!? Disgusted whispers instantly rose from the crowd.

?I think we all know how that boy was born?, he said in a dark tone.

?The father slept with the bitch in a one night stand!?

?Dishonor!?

?What place does filth like that deserve being with us??

Jutcho hushed them down. ?For some reason ? maybe pity for the woman, or disgrace over himself ? the father married the mother. That boy was born on a clear sunny day, that?s the truth! But life with a bastard and a whore was anything but blessed. The woman was beaten just as much as Kuruso gathers fruit! The whore slept with men like I spread tales of truth!

One day, the father did what was expected: he killed the mother in a gory display. Her death was so horrific, I will not tell it, in fear of dirtying the minds of the children here. But she died a gruesome death all the same!?

?Then how did the boy survive??

?Why wouldn?t the father kill fruits of his lust??

?What about the father??

?I?m getting there!? Jutcho declared. ?Patience, everyone!? He tucked his tangled hair behind his ears. ?Now, the father was found by a wandering shinobi. He had just finished some business in the city. When he saw it, he killed the father, on sight! The bastard died a death that was barely fitting of him. It was quick, and to the point.?

?Should have made it slow, at least?, someone thought out loud.

?Feeling pity for the brat ? although why he would is beyond our common sense, I?m sure ? he took him back here, and declared he was a student of the Academy!?

?Should have left the boy in the house.? A few agreed with the commenter.


It would be long after Jutcho had finished the tale when Shinji found his way to the Academy. The giant complex, the namesake of Disbakao, was the size of a small town.

The doors were unlocked, but even then, it was as empty as a haunted castle. That was to be expected, considering the arrival of the mythical snow. Shinji shook the goose bumps off of his arm before he walked through the familiar halls. Even if they were eerily silent, they still felt like home.

It wouldn?t be long before he found himself in the recreational section of the complex. It was in the exact center of the Academy; the brown buildings surrounding a small park with a lake in the middle. Shinji followed the frozen pathway to a small oak tree. Usually full of green leaves, now it was frozen.

Biting his lip, Shinji created kounen around his fingertips. He kneeled on the ground, and moved his hands over the snow that was near the tree. The snow melted instantly. Satisfied, Shinji took his place on the now warm ground.

He looked at the frozen lake, thinking about many things, for a long time. When he finally decided that it was time to go home, it was night time.

[CENTER][CENTER]*[/CENTER][/CENTER]
[CENTER][CENTER] [/CENTER][/CENTER]
When Orochi, with his long, raven hair and his ghostly pale skin, woke up that same morning, it was already the afternoon. He had stayed up late, not doing or thinking much of anything. It would appear that he stayed long past his usual hours just for the sake of staying up late.

Orochi?s clothes lay folded up on the floor. It was a gray robe, with no decorative touches minus purple linen on the end, and black shirt and pants. The shirt itself did not cover most of the body; it was sliced down the middle until halfway. As a result, unless Orochi decided to wear something beneath that shirt, one would see most of his torso. But Orochi almost never wore a shirt to cover his chest; this somewhat irritated his fellow Clan members, especially females. The shirt had long sleeves though; long enough that you couldn?t even see his fingers unless he lifted his arm.

Orochi put on the clothes at a medium pace. He wasn?t one to rush at all, even if he was late.

Well, he would rush just a little today.


He began the day by visiting a grave. It was a typical grave, with it being a slab of rock rising from the ground, and a body length pile of dirt in front of it. The name of the person, as well as their birth date and the date they died, was inscribed on the grave. It was not a very fancy grave; it was modest, simple.

Orochi had done it this way on purpose.

He had cherished this person greatly; enough that he would actually talk to the grave not just stare at it and remember memories.

He said many things, but the first was that he missed the person, and the last was he?ll come back soon. When he was done, he clutched onto his gray kimono and returned to the clan quarter of the Hebi.


As Orochi walked the streets back to the Hebi Clan Hall, he noticed almost everyone staring at him. Shopkeepers, thieves, citizens, prostitutes, it didn?t matter: everyone was above a Hebi, especially one who did Orochi?s ?crime.

Even if they hid it behind longer than usual collars, walls, or conveniently placed shoulders, he knew they were all showing hate at him. He wasn?t surprised, really; after the scandal a year ago, he returned abruptly and suddenly. No one expected him to come back, his own Clan included! They had listed him as ?lost son?.

A few of them were grumbling amongst themselves. Orochi didn?t care; he had heard all of the stories before. Rapist, pervert, thief, murderer and assassin, he was all of these things. He didn?t really care; they weren?t real. Only his Clan, the Marajin, and a few select Instructors knew the truth. The others could gossip amongst themselves to their heart?s content.


Back at the Clan Hall, Orochi encountered some very distant relatives. They were so distant, in fact, that one could claim they were related only because they were all part of the Hebi. They talked briefly, with them usually asking about how he felt about his wasuka.

?I get a wasuka one way or another. Me thinking, or talking, or worrying about it won?t make it come any faster. Being so worked up about it is rather stupid, don?t you think?? And like everything he said, he said those words with a small smile. So, they didn?t know if Orochi was criticizing them for bringing up the topic, or some other meaning.

Orochi departed from the group, saying it was nice to see them again (although he was not sure if he had ever met them before in the first place), and went back to his room. He didn?t have much planed for the day, so he decided to just watch the snow fall onto the ground from his bedroom. Simple things like that, or watching it rain, or just tapping randomly on wood, calmed him.

Once he thought about it, he remembered that his important person was always annoyed about that. It was stupid, that person thought, how Orochi could just watch the rain [I]all[/I] day and be satisfied. To that person, it was the most obnoxious and idiotic thing they had ever heard.

When the person told him this, Orochi would just laugh it off, and tell the person appreciate simplicity.

But not today. Instead, he decided to read a book.

It would have satisfied that person. Even if that person is not alive, it would have satisfied them all the same.

Orochi was by no means depressed over the death of his important person. Death is a stage of life. Its something that just happens. One can?t feel misery over something that is a natural development. To do so would be to already be dead.

You can mourn, you can miss the person. But to destroy your whole life because just a single person died?that was sheer stupidity.

So, Orochi read a book that day.

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A boy stood half naked on the streets. His hair was dark, long and untidy; his bangs covered half of his face. His lips were blue, frozen over from the cold. His body was slowly turning blue. People who passed by him did their best not to look at the thing.

He didn?t shiver.

He wasn?t human.

A snow flake landed in the boy?s open hand. The boy watched as it melted.

Izumi Tensun closed his hand, crushing whatever water was caught in his palm.

He stayed there for another minute before shrugging the snow off of his back and returning back to his apartment.

He did not feel any pain.

He wasn?t sure if he was human.

He relished in that fact.

If he was a monster, then his heart would be satisfied.

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It was with long strides that Kaname went through the streets of Disbakao. It was late afternoon, and by now snow was cleared off of most of the streets. So, it was easy enough for Kaname, who was the foster daughter of the recognized shinobi Take Uzuki, to walk proudly. It was almost in the way that an arrogant monk would walk; it was the sort of ?I am better because of my background?, sort of walk.

That didn?t exactly describe Kaname though. Did she feel that she had a sense of superiority because of the woman who raised her? Yes. But she didn?t feel like that alone made her better; it helped, but that wasn?t the only cause.

She knew she was a beautiful woman, with her smooth skin, and her long, silky hair. Her body was the type men lusted after constantly.

And she used that to her advantage. She loved to play with the feelings of teenage boys ? the way her shirt went up to her breasts, and then curved around her side, and dipped behind the shoulder blades. The way the silky gray pants were long on one side, and cut short on the side where intricate tattoos went down the side of side of her leg.

And for some reason or another, they just couldn?t avoid notice how her long pant keg was cut at the ankle, so that it would flow behind her, along with her long sleeves.

When her geta sandals clanked on the semi smooth ground, a few woman turned to her. They grunted in disgust at her suggestive attire.

Kaname loved to piss of old people as well.

Now that she thought about it, she loved to drive people crazy. If she acted like a boy, with her tough attitude, honor attaining men and respecting women were driven half way to insanity by her rudeness. She frequently talked in a suggestive way to a boy, just to make them think she wanted him. And the boy, probably scared half way to hell by his attractions, would ask her if she would like to go somewhere.

Kaname loved the look on the boys? faces when she would tell the boy to fuck off. When they discovered that she was playing them for fools, it was absolutely [I]priceless.[/I]

Now, Kaname didn?t try to think of herself as a bitch. She would rather put it as a past time that people did not necessarily understand or agree with.

That, and she wanted to be different. Too many girls were so respectful these days. They would bend their ass over if some Lord asked them to. Kaname didn?t want to be a girl who did whatever she was told. She was going to follow her own path, society be damned!

And today?s path involved her drinking lots of sake at some random bar.

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As day turned into night, many went to bed with a child?s sense. Something as simple as snow, for one reason or another, made people seem so in touch with the child within. Perhaps it was [I]because[/I] snow was so simple, that people couldn?t help but have joy and gleefulness overwhelm their senses.

On the other hand, others saw the unexpected snow was some sort of message from the heavens. Before, they didn?t know the Marajin seemed so intent on thinking that those graduating this year were going to do amazing things. But, after the snow fall, they began to believe him. Maybe the soon to be hajin were blessed by the Gods, in a sense. Maybe something marvelous was to happen, some great historical event perhaps. And these hajin would be at the front of it.

Or maybe it was just people thinking too much.

[Aurons Ghost]

Like Dragon Warrior, I haven't a clue the importance of the shinobi and whatnot, so I'm just going to try and hopefully make some points aboit the structure, but sufficed to say, I agree with earlier posters.

Regarding the prologue, the section describing the festival I feel sticks out and does not really fit with what I feel is the setting of the scene. To me it feels as though it is just an excuse for him to have a drink.

I also feel overwhelmed by all the information you give about the world. I'm not sure if this was your attempt at the "fly on the wall POV" that Lazarus suggested, and while it is nice to learn so much about the setting in one go, but it, like the festival, sticks out awkwardly.

You could include some details about the actual locations as well, architecture, decor and so on, especially since the whole prologue takes place in the one room. I feel kinda lost with just a door, window and a desk being all I, as a reader, know is part of the room. However, I should point out that too much detail can ruin the scene so try to strike a balance.

On to the first chapterI have very little to say about this chapter. I appreciate the mystery you're trying to build regarding Orochi, but the repetition of the phrase "important person" tends to get annoying. Would it be too much that a gender be assigned which you could use to reference them, or at least use of "they" to cut down on the "person"s.

That's all the comments I can think of for now, but they're only little things I hope. This has potential, so keep it up.

[Doublehex]

[INDENT]Sorry for the delay ladies and gents, but finals got in the way of things, as well as some other stuff. But I am now proud to present the second chapter of Kenzoku! Enjoy.

[/INDENT][RIGHT][RIGHT][B]Chapter Two[/B][/RIGHT]
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[RIGHT][RIGHT][B]Wasuka[/B][/RIGHT]
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As they were instructed in their graduation notifications, the graduates arrived at the Academy just as the sun rose over the mountains. The two hundred or so students waited an hour before the instructors came. They talked amongst themselves in the meantime, mostly about anticipation for the wasuka ceremony.

The head of the group was Ryu Suzukami, a man known for having researched the wasuka his entire career as a shinobi. He was not the type of man known for having long conversations; he was the type that wanted to get to the point. He never saw the point for idle conversations.

He had patience when the need arose, however.

There was no need for that today.

"Come in!" he ordered almost immediately after he left the door and entered the outside. "Follow my attendants! We'll lead you to the room." The graduates quickly followed the order.

Once inside, Ryu said only a single sentence: ?This will be your last time in these halls until the choujin exams.? The message was clear; remember your memories. Recall both the bad and the good. If you don?t, these halls that have been a second home to you for the past ten years will be nothing. They will be just barriers of wood and stone bisecting rooms.

Eventually, the group reached the Forbidden Halls ? a sector of the Academy used only by shinobis and Instructors. None of the graduates had ever been here before; any student who entered was almost instantly expelled. They were usually given a week or so to make them think they got away with it.

The shock usually made the expelled law abiding citizens for life.

Upon entering the Forbidden Halls, the graduates were thoroughly disappointed. They thought it was supposed to look it was holding something that earned the Halls the forbidden part. Their expectations were something along the line of grayed skulls hanging off of chandeliers, or at the very least torches lighting the way of dark as night halls.

The Forbidden Halls looked just like any other Hall. Some people saw fresh paint. Fresh paint does [I]not[/I] equal creepy, foreboding event. It equals normal.

Most of the graduates did not like normal when it came to the wasuka. They wanted the wasuka ceremony to be as non-normal as things can get.

They were about to have their expectations exceeded.

The instructors guided them down a hall, where the graduates followed Ryu to a rather large door. It wasn?t large to the point where it covered half the wall; in fact, it was more or less the same size. It seemed large in the fact that it was the only door in the hallway. All the other walls were eerily blank.

It seemed significant.

None of the graduates noticed Ryu?s assistants weren?t beside him as he approached the door. In fact, they weren?t even in the hallway.

Ryu stared at the door for a few moments, breathing somewhat irregularly, as if this door held some horror beyond human recognition. Slowly, after creating an awkward silence, he turned to face the graduates.

He held up his hand, four fingers opened, slipping each into a fist as he spoke each term: ?Bakhan, sankhan, baikhan, and shinkhan. These are the four stages of the wasuka. They evolve when you develop; each evolution is a telling of everything you are.? He paused, placing his hands behind him.

?Beyond this door are the pods. In those pods, you will enter, one by one, each of you encountering your wasuka spirit. Each spirit will give you a task, a trial if you prefer the term. You will all succeed; there has never been a shinobi who hasn?t left a pod without a wasuka.?

?What if we die??, a curious boy asked.

Ryu smirked. ?Nothing will be left of you.?

A few gulps could be heard among the group. A few overconfident chuckled and shrugged. No one had failed yet, so why be worried?

?Don?t think that because no one has failed yet any of you won?t be the first.?

They were worried.

Ryu opened the door. ?Thirty of you will go in at a time. Just keep going in until I close the door. Keep some distance from the one in front of you.? His voice, as always, was without compassion. They had a good idea what would happen if they chose to cross with him.

So, they poured in. Within a few minutes, the door was slammed shut. With a growl, Ryu ordered the graduates away from the door. They all too willingly obeyed.


The pod room was a circular chamber, just as wide as it was long. The pods were forged into the walls, with most of them layered along the walls. Circular staircases gave easy access to the ones not on solid ground.

When a graduate approached one of the pods, they open like a flower opens at the first sight of spring. Most of the students entered the pods with a sense of both caution and curiosity; few have seen something so out of place before. They had a sense of danger to them, but at the same time, they were a mystery just begging to be solved.

Technically, the pods had no seats, not a single thing that would comfort anyone. They had no decorations, or wards of ninjutsu. They were absolutely empty.

But since each and every graduate was cast into a deep sleep the moment they entered the pod, they would never know what truly was inside them.

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The realm of Orochi?s wasuka spirit was a gladiatorial arena in a middle of a vast dessert. Half naked, dirty men sat at the bleachers, cheering wildly as the thralls fought each other to the death. One had on a helmet that covered everything but his nose and eyes. He didn?t have any armor for his chest or arms. His pants were ragged and dirty. He was fighting on bare feet. His only weapon was a spear.

The other gladiator was naked except for armor that went down his left arm. In his right arm was a short sword.

The short sword knocked away the spear; the naked gladiator leaped towards the other, hoping to carve his blade into the other?s skull.

The gladiator swiped the man to the ground, giving the attacker a small cut.

Cheers filled the stadium.

?He had a chance?, came a slithery voice. Orochi turned to the thing next to him; it was a reptile, but it was the size of the man. It was clothed in metal armor, and multiple weapons, including a spear, sword and an axe, was strapped to his back. Its scaled hands were folded beneath its chin. The reptilian tongue licked at the hard lips; the eyes were totally focused on the battle.

?If he had moved a little faster, that gladiator?s brains would have have been carved in two. But there?s a reason he has armor; he?s fought before. He knows the way of the warrior; at least to an extent.

What do you think Orochi?? The reptilian was focused on Orochi now.

Orochi remained silent. He really wasn?t paying attention. He had been in the realm for only a few moments when the attack occurred. He was still trying to adjust to his surroundings.

He didn?t know how to answer the reptile.

?You have to be aware of everything in an instant.?

At first, Orochi didn?t see the relevance to the odd conversation. But then the reptile continued: ?In a forest, enemies can spring from the trees. A hungry bear can leap and swipe at you with its claws. A trap can be strung, sending a thousand kunais into your body.

Imagine a frozen wilderness; a place of frozen rock. The ground can be fragile, and shatter beneath you. A sea serpent could rise up from that same ground and devour you whole. A shinobi might be hidden within the frost, and already be planning for an attack. As a shinobi, you must be ready at all times. You have no other option.?

Then the reptile rose up. He battle ceased at once; no one cheered or hollered. The coliseum was deathly quiet. They all stared at the lizard and Orochi.

The scaled one walked down the steps, casually, but in a proud manner. Orochi followed. He was led to the hard dueling floor. The two gladiators left, heading back for the pits.

The lizard drew one of its many weapons, a short sword. ?Orochi, in battle, as you stare into the eyes of your enemy, you can see their emotions. The way they move screams what motivates them. Their breathing, irregular or not, whispers their desires. Now Orochi, tell me your emotions, your motivations, and your desires!?

And the lizard charged at the unexpected Hebi, its tail swinging randomly. Its shoulder was prepared to charge right into Orochi. Orochi, caught off guard, had just loosened a kunai from his pockets when the felt the weight of the lizard send him rolling to the other side of the arena.

Orochi rolled halfway across the arena before he managed to plunge his kunai into the ground, reducing his roll to sliding. He soon stopped, and got to his feet, his cut fingers holding a dirty kunai.

He was barely a minute into the fight, and already Orochi was having trouble moving his fingers. His tongue felt his gums; they were bleeding a little. It was nothing to have a heart attack over.

The reptile charged again, and Orochi was a bit more prepared. With all of its might, the wasuka spirit slashed at Orochi with its sword. Expectedly, the pale graduate ducked beneath it. A few hairs were clipped off.

The lizard expected the boy?s maneuver, and instinctively, it sent its knee cap upward, slamming into Orochi?s chin. The boy fell to the ground, dizzy, blood dripping from his broken nose.

The scaled tail slashed Orochi across the back. He groaned in pain. A hard fist slammed into the cheek, the dark blue covering the white. Orochi?s body fell hard onto the ground.

The lizard straightened its back. It looked more intimidating now. The lizard did not underestimate Orochi, nor would it anyone else. It knew everyone held a secret power within.

It allowed Orochi to get back up. The Hebi wiped blood from his torn lip. It was numb. He still managed to widen it into a smile. He licked the bruised lips overconfidently.

He wasn?t going to lose just yet. In fact, he didn?t plan on losing at all. He got on his knees, placed his arms on them, and he thought. He brainstormed many tactical strategies for a very long time.

Then he was done.

He dashed in the opposite direction, towards the far end of the arena. The lizard followed in hot pursuit. Orochi may of have had the lead, but the wasuka spirit was more physically fit than the average human, even one who could stretch his body parts beyond normal comprehension.

Orochi knew this, however; he knew that the wasuka spirit would catch up to him within moments. That?s why when he was just a few feet away from the lizard, he turned to face it. His arms stretched outward; the left arm curled itself around the left shoulder and wrist, whiles the right, with kunai in hand, went straight for the throat.

It seemed the pieces had fallen into place; Orochi was certain that he had won. But he was not expecting the lizard to grab his arm, and reel Orochi in.

Orochi wasn?t out of ideas, however. The moment the lizard grabbed his arm, Orochi had released his left hand?s grip and was sending the fist flying towards its scaled target. It hit right in the jaw bone, sending the lizard sprawling to the ground.

When the arms returned to their normal length, Orochi drew a kunai a leaped for the lizard. It was already up by then, by Orochi had calculated this, and he re-arranged his footing so that it landed right on the shoulders. The impact and Orochi?s weight sent the lizard back on the ground, with Orochi on top of him.

And a kunai pointed at its throat.

?I am aware?, Orochi said simply.

?So am I?, the lizard reminded. ?Off of me?. It wasn?t an order as much as it was a request, but it was the first word that comes to mind. Orochi complied, putting his kunais back in his pockets. ?I am aware that you fought on dangerous ground. You can barely see out of one of your eyes; your hands were barely able to hold the kunai. Your whole body is shaking from a mixture of loss of blood and adrenaline. One wrong move and the battle would of have been mine.?

The forked tongue licked the scaly lips. ?And somehow, you won.? It rumbled out a low chuckle. ?I am Zaibi.? The declaration had no relevance to the conversation, but Orochi didn?t care. ?Catch.? Zaibi threw something at Orochi. He easily caught the gift.

It was his wasuka. In truth, the wasuka was actually two short swords. One of them was a silvery white, whereas its handle was black. The other was the exact opposite.

?Our name is Kusanagi?, the lizard told him. ?You?ll be stronger for knowing our two names. Now leave.?

Instantly, Orochi found himself outside the pod he had entered minutes before. He was somewhat disappointed; there were no flashing lights to signal his departure, no floating runes. It was just?sudden.

With a shrug, Orochi stared at his wasuka, the Kusanagi blades. Afterwards, he moved on to the hallway.

A few other pods were empty as well.

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When it came to waiting for anything Kaname was, as expected, bored out of her mind. She hated to wait for [I]anything[/I], wherever it would be a box of sweets or something as important as her wasuka! She was not a patient child, and that was being kind.

Two hours have passed since she arrived, and it seemed almost every other minute the old geezer opened the doors for some other kid with their wasuka. The wasuka was in a hundred different forms; some of them were small, like a necklace. Others were big, like a spear or sword.

Kaname could made one conclusion from the whole mess: hers would be something marvelous. She was, after all, the foster daughter of Tae Uzuki! Someone who was in constant contact with such a great shinobi would surely get something mysterious and powerful.

By the time her name was called, she had long lost the track of time. In fact, she was [I]just[/I] about to fall asleep and snorted quite loudly. This forced a few giggles from some of the surrounding students. Embarrassed, Kaname just rushed in the pod room.

When the door closed behind her, Kaname was initially caught surprised by the simplicity of the pods. She was expecting something a little bit more dramatic than giant white seeds, as she put it. Without giving her disappointment another thought, she rushed into the nearest pod.


Kaname didn?t know where she was, but she knew that she didn?t like it. The realm where her wasuka spirit called home was basically a giant pool of water with a large floating platform in the middle.


It was cold. She didn?t like to be cold.

She sighed. ?Where are you?? she asked the pool of water. ?Wait, I must be stupid. There is no way I am talking to water.? She sighed again, and sat down. But after her butt met the freezing cold water, she sprung right back up.

Kaname looked around the room, hoping to find some hint of her wasuka spirit. The water was reflected on the clean wall, creating a sense of tranquility. But Kaname was anywhere but at peace: the sound of the waves constantly coming into her ears made her more and more nervous. Every time her platform moved slightly, her heart pumped all the faster.

Within a few minutes, Kaname was petrified. The absence of anyone but her in the room made her feel that she was going to be alone forever. She didn?t want that feeling.

Water began to move onto the platform.

Kaname?s hands were shaking now, a mix between the cold and her rising fear. Her tongue was getting sore. She bit on her shivering lips.

Kaname breathed in again. ?Well, it looks like whatever it is is running late. Typical. Everyone but me is late nowadays.? The comment helped her self esteem a little. ?So boring, watching water. How can people actually do this stuff??

She put her hands behind her back and walked in circles around the platform, clicking her tongue or twiddling her fingers when she felt like it. Her heart began to beat slower and slower. She became relaxed.

That was when Bukkaku revealed himself. He rose onto the platform, moving like a snake across its slick surface. He rose, revealing his full figure that towered over Kaname. Hearing him, she turned.

She saw a towering pillar of water, with a small ball like stone floating beneath it.

?Relaxed yet?? The voice was disfigured, like it was somebody trapped underwater trying to speak. The water rippled around the stone.

?Who are you supposed to be??

?That should be obvious. Who else would be here besides you and I? I?m the wasuka spirit, you idiot.? By now, the pillar had dissolved into a puddle of water. The water formed into some sort of snake like shape, and its ?face? was right in front of Kaname. ?[I]I[/I] am Bukkaku.?

?Pleasure?s [I]all[/I] mine?, she smirked.

?I was beginning to wonder to if you were going to jump off the platform. I was disappointed to see you choose to survive.?

?Why?? She arched her eyebrows. ?Was that the actual test??

?No. I just wanted to see if you would or not.?

Kaname sighed. ?So, what exactly was the point of this??

?Its to see just how much of that brain of yours is actually used, you piece of trash.. You think you?re so high and mighty, but look what we have her: a girl who can?t control her temper at a talking puddle.?

?Shut up!?

?Give me a reason why I should. You think of everyone as pigs. You toy with boy?s feelings; you make them feel like dirt. You mock the older generation?s virtues just for the sake of mocking them. The only way you can feel better is if you make others feel like dogs. You?re nothing [I]but [/I]trash.?

?I said shut up!? She leaped at Bukkaku, her fist slamming into him. Her attack was stopped in mid motion.

?You don?t think much do you?? Bukkaku rose, lifting Kaname along with him. ?You act without thinking, without considering the consequences. You go through life, doing as you please just for the sake of doing them.?

The wasuka spirit spun, throwing Kaname into the pool.

?You idiot!?, she coughed up water ?What the hell did you do that for??

Bukkaku wrapped himself around Kaname again, and threw her back onto the platform. She tried to rise up, coughing up cold water, but she felt too weak. She collapsed back onto the platform, her cheek resting in a puddle of water, her wet hair spread across her face.

?I?ll tell you why I did it. Because you need to learn. You need to learn what it means to be human. And that is why I will let you leave, to become a shinobi, even when you don?t deserve anything of this kindness. Now get the hell out of here.?

And in the next moment, she was. She was back in the pod room, as dry as she had entered, a lantern strapped to her wrist.

?Chochin?, she whispered the wasuka?s name before she trudged towards the gates.

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When Shinji entered his pod an hour later, he was not expecting this to be his wasuka realm. He found himself in brothel that was obviously designed for lords: elegant smoke weed filled the air; there were several small pools where people could engage in the act. Others were performing it in broad daylight, on large sofas. The room itself was spherical in shape, and Shinji could not see a door in or out.

As he glanced, he saw a lone figure resting on a large wooden chair, surrounded by other naked prostitutes. His skin was as black as charcoal, but on the left side of his body had strands of a golden color. His eyes were a dark red, his lips a dark blue.

?So, you decided to make it.? He rose, pushing a woman roughly off of him. ?I was beginning to wonder when you would decide to show up.?

Shinji remained silent: he just twirled his orange hair around his finger.

?Stop that!? He pushed at Shinji forcefully. Shinji obeyed.

?So, that?s you, huh? Doing what everybody says without complaint, eh?? The wasuka spirit licked his lips. ?What business do you have speaking to me when you don?t have a backbone.?

?To be a shinobi.?

?What right do you have to be a shinobi??

?I-I worked hard.?

?Right. Of [I]course[/I] you did. You worked [I]so[/I] very hard, didn?t you, my little Shinji.?

Shinji felt he was going to throw up. The way the wasuka talked to him, he felt like trash. He felt like nothing.

?I ask again, what business do you have here? Or are you just a waste.?

Shinji just stared at the wasuka.

?So, I, Kagu-Zuchi, am a wasuka spirit to a weakling.? He turned its back to Shinji, and began to walk towards the whores.

Shinji muttered something. Instantly, Kagu-Zuchi was upon him, an iron grip wrapped around the pale throat.

?You said something.? Kagu-Zuchi?s lips curled. ?You had the spunk to say something, even when you knew an extent of [I]my[/I] power.?

Shinji?s only response was a gasp for air.

?Come back when you?re strong in spirit. If you don?t, I?ll kill you.?

He dropped Shinji to the floor. ?I?ll lend you Shinkasai to help you.?

When Shinji finally fell to the floor, he was back in the pod room, holding a massive sword in hand. It was nearly as tall as he was, and was one sided. The handle was long, red, and thin. Shinji could barely lift it.

?I can?t even life my own wasuka.?

He dragged both his wasuka and his spirit towards the door.

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The sounds of the crowd had devolved drastically. The voices now were nothing but a mere whisper, thanks to nearly everyone having received their wasuka. Mostly everyone had left, since Ryu had given them permission to do so once their business was done.

Izumi had remained still the whole time. His body was aching from the ordeal, but he didn?t really care. He had taught himself to ignore pain: it made him a better warrior. While most would scream when a kunai would slam into their hands, Izumi would move on, to strike the enemy down.

Eventually, Izumi?s name was called, and casually he walked into the pod room. He picked a random pod, and found himself in the realm of his wasuka.

Anyone would have been surprised what Izumi?s wasuka spirit called home, but he was speechless. He was expecting something dark and depressing, something along the lines of a dark and foggy cavern. Instead, he found himself in a beautiful park, full of sakura trees.

He remembered this place. It was one of the parks in the Country of the Storms that he would go to frequently as a child.

A soothing melody filled the air. Slowly, Izumi turned.

He saw his mother, Reido. She hadn?t changed at all from his earliest memories of her, with her long, dark silky hair, and her encouraging features. She was exactly as he remembered her.

?Mama?? His voice was barely above a whisper.

The woman closed her eyes sensitively as she picked her gaze up from the flowered ground towards Izumi. ?Hello, Izumi.? The voice was full of love.

?That you? Really you??

?I don?t know who else it would be.? From most voices, the statement would be sarcastic. But from Reido?s, it was anything but.

?I guess not.? A low chuckle erupted from Izumi.

Reido patted softly the adjacent seat on the bench, motioning Izumi to sit. He quickly complied. ?So, how have you been?? She already knew the answer, but she wanted to hear it from Izumi?s own mouth.

?Lost?, he answered honestly.

?Oh Izumi?, she sighed, ruffling her delicate fingers through his hair.

?No one cared for me?Everyone hated me. They despised me; they saw me as a monster, a weapon. And they were right.?

?You are [I]no[/I] monster, Izumi.?

?Don?t lie to me. I was made to kill. So, what else can I do? That?s my destiny. To spill blood.?

?That?s your father speaking.?

?It?s [I]me[/I] speaking.?

?Don?t fool yourself Izumi. You?ve been told these lies your entire life; of course you?d claim to believe in them. But you know the truth, my little Izi.?

With this, Izumi sprung up, his eyes shaking with terror. His hands, shaking as if they were freezing, covered his ears. ?Who [I]are[/I] you? Who are you? Who the hell [I]are [/I]you!?

?You know who I am Izumi.?

?No. I don?t know who you are. You say you?re my mother, my mama? You?re nothing, a doppelganger. You?re just a wasuka spirit. You?re not my mother. You?re nothing like her! Nothing!?

The woman remained silent.

?Be gone, you, you [I]thing[/I]. You don?t even have a name!?

?Then leave.?

In the next moment, he was in front of his pod, still shivering with unspeakable fear.

On his right hand was a ring with a skull engraved in it. Izumi knew its name all too well: Ajuua.

[Idyllwyld]

For your first chapter, overall I enjoyed reading it. Some more background, like for the concept of the Wasuka, is good as always. The little detail about snow in Disbakao was nice, however if it doesn't snow in the city then how could the people, at the end of Chapter 1, be put into a child-like mood by it?

I did like how the day went for each of the four characters, with each of their four perspectives. For the most part, they flowed with the characters themselves. And that is something to adhere to, let the tone of the writing for them match the character. Izumi, for instance. The short, concise, and just about chilling feel of his section invokes him perfectly.

I agree with Aurons Ghost on how you were somewhat repetitive with some terms. However, one of my most key criticisms would have to be how at times you reveal a bit too much in your narration, only to reveal it in dialogue immediately afterwards. It sounds repetitive, and frankly unnecessary. For example:

[quote]When the citizens of Disbakao saw the pale skinned Shinji walking the streets, most ignored them. Not only was a foreigner, but one that purposely decided he was too good for them (or, at least that?s what they wanted to think). A few, however, started talking amongst themselves.[/quote]

And immediately afterwards you have dialogue of townswomen gossiping about Shinji. Leave the narrative comments out; you're already making it clear that he's disliked by the town through the women's dialogue. When choosing between explicating in either narration or "inside the world," (i.e. dialogue) go for the latter. It's just like the idea of not saying "He was angry," but rather" the stare he gave could have sparked Hell's cauldrons."

Finally, you brought up the fact that it was time for the graduating shinobi to be given their wasukas. Shinji's section revolves around this fact; he is dreading his. Yet the other three characters make little to no mention of their coming wasukas.

-------------------------

For Chapter 2, you have some glaring contradictions:

[quote]Eventually, the group reached the Forbidden Halls ? a sector of the Academy used only by shinobis and Instructors. None of the graduates had ever been here before; any student who entered was almost instantly expelled. They were usually given a week or so to make them think they got away with it.

The shock usually made the expelled law abiding citizens for life.[/quote]

If they are almost instantly expelled, why are they given that week of a false-sense of security? Also, that comment about law-abiding citizens for life is unnecessary. Drop it, in my opinion.

[quote]?Beyond this door are the pods. In those pods, you will enter, one by one, each of you encountering your wasuka spirit. Each spirit will give you a task, a trial if you prefer the term. You will all succeed; there has never been a shinobi who hasn?t left a pod without a wasuka.?

...

Ryu opened the door. ?Thirty of you will go in at a time. Just keep going in until I close the door. Keep some distance from the one in front of you.? His voice, as always, was without compassion. They had a good idea what would happen if they chose to cross with him.[/quote]

Here Ryu said they would enter one at a time, now he's saying thirty of them will all go in at once.

This paragraph here has several flaws:

[quote]When a graduate approached one of the pods, they open like a flower opens at the first sight of spring. Most of the students entered the pods with a sense of both caution and curiosity; few have seen something so out of place before. They had a sense of danger to them, but at the same time, they were a mystery just begging to be solved.[/quote]

"When a graduate approached one of the pods, [b]it[/b] open[b]ed[/b] (keep your tense) like a flower opens... few [b]had[/b] seen something (number usage)... They had a sense of danger to them, but at the same time they were... (Specify which 'they,' the pods or the children. I know what you're referring to, but it reads jarringly.)

In general there are typos here and there, and occasional was/were errors.

In Orochi's battle, you bring up his "limb stretchiness" ability. Was that mentioned before? I don't recall, and I'm not sure if I'm thinking of his character profile or not. But I don't think you introduced that concept yet.

A comment on Shinji's section... it made me laugh. It reminds me of The Magician, quite so. Sorry if you have no idea what I'm referring to, it's a personal thing. Don't mind me. The irony, though, of Shinji not being able to lift his own wasuka. Fitting.

Izumi's section was good as well, I thought. The final twist, declaring it had no name, but knowing Ajuua's name all too well. Denial, refusal, all that. Still doesn't mean what's denied isn't true, heh.

All in all, I felt as if Chapter 2 started out weaker, but grew tighter towards the end.

[Doublehex]

[RIGHT][RIGHT][B]Chapter Three[/B][/RIGHT]
[/RIGHT]
[RIGHT][RIGHT][B]Team[/B][/RIGHT]
[/RIGHT]

The graduation ceremony was far less extraordinary than the bonding of the wasuka. As was done the generation before, and the century before that, the grads were assembled into the ceremony hall, where the audience was placed among pews surrounding the small arena where the graduates, and the Marajin stood.

With a voice that echoes across the grand hall, the Marajin spoke of a future that became all the brighter with each hajin that graduates from the Academy. He spoke of how each and ever citizen of Disbakao was filled with the spirit of accomplishment whenever the graduation ceremony came. He reminded all of the citizens of the Flame how important their country was to the Land of the Rising Sun.

?The Flame?, his voice projected throughout the hall, ?represents among man?s many qualities. Just as the light of a lantern keeps the way lit when night dawns on very city, we have protected the world for thousands of years! Wherever it was by shield and spear, or kunai and jutsu, we have protected and guided people ever since our dawn!

?But the lantern?s light is a delicate thing: its influence is great, but a slight breeze will distinguish it. We have the same weakness: if we allow the sins of man to overcome us, we tall, shall be lost, and our guidance along with it.?

He went on to say how it is important for all members of the Flame to support each other: it is easy to put out one lantern?s light. It is not easy for a single wind to blow out thousands of torches.

They were mighty words indeed: they filled the souls of the onlookers with pride for themselves, their countrymen, and their ancestors. For an hour, they forgot that they were just an individual, a mere sheep amongst a much large flock. Rather, they were all one, large herd, ready to push onward, whatever the task that befell them.

There were no Hebi or regular man. They were just Flame.

Alas, that unification lasted for only a few hours. Once all of the graduates were given their headband, which identified them as a shinobi of the Flame, and once everyone left the Halls, the old walls would rise back up. Man would hate Hebi for merely being Hebi, and Hebi would take a calm and step forward, moving through the prejudice, doing their best to ignore the black flames of hate.


It would be several hours later when the tajin Nanaki Jukuto would once again be finding herself in another bar, smoking lightly on smoke-weed, her eyes red with exhaustion, and her shadowed eyes betraying just how much she needed sleep. Nanaki was a woman nearing on thirty, with her birthday being just a few months away. Her long, dark hair swooped down her back, her face pointed and sharp. Even her nose had a sense of masculinity to it, with the bridge going in at an angle, rather than curving in. Her lips were small, not delicate, and hard.

Her fingers wrapped around another ochoko cup, her hands swinging lightly the alcoholic contents. Her eyes studied with great interest the way the sake flowed. One would think she was drunk: she, and her fiancé Kai knew otherwise. She feigned drunkenness, just for the sake of it.

?You know?, her fiancé began as he leaned back on the chair, ?you probably should stop drinking that stuff so much, what with you and I being married and all.?

?No kids.?

?One could hope.?

?One can also hope for a death wish, but I don?t see you hoping for something like that.?

Kai sighed. ?If we don?t plan on having them, then what was the point of me persuading ??

?Forcing?, she corrected.

?[I]Persuading[/I]?, the man insisted, ?on you signing up to be a team sensei, if not so you know what you?re in for??

?It was so I could prove once and for all that I?m the last woman that should be a mother.?

Kai sighed again. ?How we ever got beyond the first night is beyond me.?

?If I remember right, we were as drunk as a bunch of whores. You were rambling on about the enormous ass of your mother, if I recall.?

?I thought we decided not to discuss anything even remotely dealing with my mother?s exceptional?[I]behind[/I].?

?Her mother?s as big as a fucking cow, [I]love[/I].? She blew him a kiss before sipping more of her sake.

Kai sighed irritably. ?So, what do you have planned for the test?? The man was referring to the final test each and every hajin was forced to take: after the graduation, the sensei gave their students a test of their own. The ?graduation? surely made the hajin over confident: they had succeeded, they were now Shinobis; nothing could beat them now.

Never were juveniles more wrong. The sensei?s tests were designed to get rid of the weakest of the remaining strong, so that only the truly elite remained.

?You really don?t like your mom?s enormous ass, now do you??

?Answer the damn question.?

Nanaki sighed. She rubbed her chin. ?Remember Old Man Aku??

Kai raised his eyebrow suspiciously. ?What of him??

?Well, if I recall right, there was a certain of test of his that was his favorite.? She licked her lips mischievously. Kai bit his lips, and leaned in closer. ?It had something to do with having his students look for him in the forest*??

?Which forest??

?Oh, if I recall, it was Ookii Forest.?

?This isn?t the Ookii Forest that?s twice the size of Disbakao, and is full of tales of even choujin ranked shinobis getting lost in, now is it??

?Yes?, the woman said, almost a little bit too cheerfully. ?That is [I]precisely[/I] it.?

?Oh gods??

?Well, I should be off. I need to let those hajin know what they?re up against.? She drank the last of her sake, and walked out of the bar.

?Please oh please oh please oh [I]please[/I] let the kids pass.?

[CENTER][CENTER]*[/CENTER]
[/CENTER]

The four hajins received their letters the same way as their peers: the scroll was slipped somewhere in their room or household, in obviously plain sight. The contents were simple enough ? meet on the edge of the Ookii Forest, at the Third Gate, before the afternoon sun rose. The scroll was very brief when referred to how much supplies to bring: ?Enough for a hike through the woods? was all that was said.

By the time the afternoon sun had found its place in the sky, all of the shinobis had arrived at the gate. Shinji, being one with too much time and little chores to spend on it, was the first to arrive, a few hours after the shops first opened their doors. He dropped Shinkasai, and laid at the side of a tree, waiting as patiently and as motionless as possible. The only exception was the inevitable yawn.

Orochi arrived soon afterwards. He never was one to start conversations with those outside of his Clan. Thus, the two?s first meeting was one of silence. Orochi just went to the grass to lie down.

Izumi and Kaname arrived a great deal later. It was several hours after Orochi decided to take his nap when Izumi arrived, his long, overgrown sleeves trailing behind him as the wind blew behind him.

As was expected, the moment Shinji and Orochi set eyes on him, there was uncontrollable fear. The already pale individuals? skin tones began to lighten. Their hands began to shake silently.

Izumi, the maniac, the psychopath, the monster in boy?s flesh, was [I]their[/I] team mate? They never suspected that Izumi, of all people, would be on their team! They didn?t even see him at the wasuka ceremony! What the hell was the Marajin thinking, graduating a maniac like him?

Did the Marajin think that Izumi would actually change just because he graduated? Just because he was now a shinobi doesn?t mean his insane persona is going to evolve! He was insane the moment he was sold to Disbakao, and he will be insane whenever Death caught up with him!

Why was Izumi even [I]alive[/I] now? Why wasn?t he dead? Why wasn?t he locked up in some prison thousands of feet below the earth, the gate sealed for all of eternity?

Why was this walking time bomb here?

The whole time, Shinji and Orochi didn?t even look at Izumi. They didn?t even look in the general direction. They showed him their backs instead.

The two boys were in such paranoia of Izumi, they didn?t realize that Kaname arrived hours later. She had arrived, in the same way she arrived at all things, with her head up high, her legs taking small, precise steps. The daughter of Tae didn?t even flinch when she had set her eyes on Izumi. She simply just sat on a stump.

The moment she sat down a cloud of smoke filled the area. Everyone, not exactly expecting someone to pull a prank like that, was coughing horribly. Eventually, the cloud subdued, and they found a poorly made spear forced into the ground, with a scroll strapped to it.

?He leaves a letter?, Kaname said irritated. ?He couldn?t have come himself??

?It is better than nothing at all?, Orochi noted.

?Whatever. Somebody just pick it up and read it.?

Of course, Kaname had already analyzed all of her team mates to determine which one would be the easiest to control, and she found it in Shinji. When she gave the order, she was staring obviously at the orange head.

Nervously, out of the psychopath lying nearby and the frightening woman across from him, he walked to the scroll. It wasn?t that he was afraid of the girl; it was just that it was their first day as a team. He didn?t want to create a bad reputation that he was hard to work with; the rumors circulating around the city were bad enough.

Forcefully, he untied the ropes binding the scroll. Wiping some saliva from his lip, he read it. ?About time you idiots got here.? Already the others looked to becoming agitated. ?I knew that when I said to get here before the afternoon sun rose that you wouldn?t make it. Mostly because of that idiot Kaname, I?m sure? Shinji covered his mouth the moment he muttered the words.

If Kaname was infuriated before, now she was ready to tear Shinji into several pieces, mostly small and in a bloody fashion. ?What did that faggot say? Give me that damn thing!?

?But I haven?t finished reading it! Hey! Stop hitting me!?

Orochi rubbed his neck furiously. It had been aggravating him for some time now.

?Give it to me, or the Gods help me?!?

Orochi examined his fingernails, a bored expression on his face. They were dirty as of late. He should probably clip them.

?That hurts! Stop it! I?ll give it to you!?

The Hebi flexed his fingers before he rose up.

?Damn right you should!?

Orochi snapped the scroll right out of Shinji?s hand. ?Now, lets where you left off.? As expected, Kaname charged right for him. That?s why he leaped onto the branch of a semi large tree, using the hot blooded teen as a platform for added insult. He cleared his throat with a light cough. ?As you can see plainly before you, you are in front of Ookii Forest. I won?t bore you with details, since you think you have better things to be doing. I?ll just say this: it is almost twice the size of our lovable city.

?For your test, you have to find me.?

Ever slowly, as if he had just read his death wish, Orochi raised his head. His emerald eyes glanced downwards at his other teammates. Kaname was so infuriated that Orochi was fairly certain that blood would be gushing out of her veins any minute now. Shinji actually looked paler than Orochi thought possible. Orochi didn?t look at Izumi.

?What the hell! What does that idiot think he?s doing? It takes a week just to go from one side of the forest to the next! And she expects us to find her in it??

Shinji was rubbing his neck nervously. There was no way in hell he was going to speak up, with him fearing that Kaname would be roaring his face for butting in. He was worried though. He didn?t know how big the Ookii Forest was, but he did know that it was big enough for the group to get lost in, especially since he doubted any of them have been in there before. Shinji knew he sure hasn?t been.

And did their sensei really expect them to just magically waltz in there, act like they knew what they were doing, and just find him?

?There?s more, if you?ll stop yapping long enough to let the Hebi finish.?

The atmosphere instantly became colder. Everyone instantly felt a chill crawling up their spine. Nervously, as if they were to stare at a demon, they looked at Izumi. His eyes, half opened, stared forward, not at anyone or anything in particular. His words were cold, without any sort of emotion.

They expected him to say something again, something heartless and demanding. But Izumi remained silent, his arms still crossed across his chest, his eyes now closed, acting oblivious to the people around him.

Orochi continued reading the letter. ?I?m not a total jackass, so I?ll give you guys some help. You?ll find red scrolls across the forest. They?ll lead you to one another, and eventually to me. But, if you follow that, you?ll run out of time. So, you?re going to have to take some risks! Skip a few; risk your future on a scroll.

?You?ve got a week and a day. Get to it, idiots. Signed, Nanaki Jukuto.?

Kaname looked shocked. ?The jackass is a bitch??

Izumi sighed, got up, and headed for the forest. ?We go. Now.?

No one said anything. ?If you want to fail, do so.?

?But we got no supplies?? Shinji insisted. He was immediately shocked he actually said anything.

?We don?t have time for supplies. We only have time to move. We?ll eat wild fruits, and drink rivers for water. Now let?s go.?

No one else was brave enough to argue. Shinji lifted Shinkasai the best he could, and was the first to follow. Kaname looked at the Hebi nervously, and silently insisted that he followed. Not wanting to make a scene, Orochi dropped from the tree, slipping the scroll in his pocket as he descended. He slipped on Kusanagi and followed the orange head. Kaname followed closely behind.

[CENTER][CENTER]*[/CENTER]
[/CENTER]

Shinji didn?t know how it happened, or why it happened, but he had managed to find himself between a rock and a flaming volcano, with Kaname parading in front of him like the proud woman she was, and Izumi walking silently behind him. Shinji was petrified of both individuals, for one reason and another.

Kaname was complaining how the ?bitch? was too vague on where the first scroll was. Izumi remain quiet to the racket. Shinji tried to say that she wouldn?t lie to them. After all, why would a sensei give them a test that was impossible?

?I don?t know! Maybe because she doesn?t want to be a sensei??

?But that?s just stupid!?

?Shut up!? She roared. Shinji was quick to obey. He heard a sigh emitting from Orochi.

?The hint said the scroll was on a cliff overlooking a lake. There?s only one such place within such close proximity to the beginning. And that cliff is fifteen minutes away.?

Kaname just sighed. She was obviously too hard headed to listen to any sort of explanation that didn?t say she was right. Shinji was just fearful of the inevitable clash between Orochi and Kaname. Orochi was the obvious leader of the group, but Kaname just demanded power. There would be a clash, and only one will come out as the commander.

Or at least until they found sensei. She would restore order, give a sense of command. She would make sure Orochi and Kaname wouldn?t fight with each other over who leads.

Then a thought popped into Shinji?s mind. What if Kaname was right, that sensei didn?t care? That she was being their sensei because she was forced to be. Was this test a ticket out of having to be their sensei?

Shinji shook the thought of his head. That was just Kaname being an egotistical woman with a mightier than thou attitude.

He took a quick glance at Orochi. The pale one had a sense of absolute calmness and serenity, as if the threat from Kaname meant nothing to him. Or, perhaps he was just oblivious to it.

No matter the reason, just looking at Orochi made Shinji feel like snakes were wrapping around his throat. Orochi, like all Hebi, had the appearance befitting of a snake, with his deathly pale skin and raven colored hair. Shinji didn?t know why Disbakao would keep a race of man that looked more like demons.

Shinji secretly swore that he would keep away from Orochi as much as possible. If it hurt the team, so be it. Something about Orochi just gave Shinji unmistakable fear.

Behind him, Izumi chucked under cold breath. While the others were busy analyzing their other teammates, seeing who to manipulate best, who to cling to, who to isolate, Izumi was reading them like an open book.

Kaname was an egotistical woman who had big words and an even bigger bite, but when cornered, she would whimper like a puppy. People like her weren?t too rare; there were plenty of children from noble families, and Izumi had encountered more than enough of them to know how to deal with them. Izumi would put Kaname in her place soon enough.

Orochi was a different subject, however. He seemed to be the most mature one of the group, using the fear of his lineage as a way to gain command. He viewed everything with a sense of calm. But the calm ones were easily beaten as well: they all had a weakness. And once that weakness was exploited, they would fall just like all the others.

As for Shinji, well, Izumi didn?t even need to waste a moment considering the orange head. It was obvious he was a weak willed individual, who would listen to anybody just as long they didn?t harm his fragile psyche. Putting Shinji in his place would be easier than Izumi would wish.

It didn?t matter when or how. Izumi would be in command of the small group.

He didn?t suspect that Kaname was crafting her own coup de tat, however. The girl knew she already had Shinji within her tight grip. The little shrimp was as flimsy as a pile of sticks. She?d bet that if anyone was to so much as flick him, he would flinch. How in the Four Lands did he ever pass the Academy?

It was Orochi and Izumi that was really causing her problems. Orochi just didn?t seem to know that [I]she[/I] was the only one worthy of being the leader. After all, she was raised by Tae Uzuki, one of Disbakao?s better shinobis. It only made sense that she would be the natural leader! Orochi spent a year away from Disbakao, and Izumi was too crazy to do much leading of anything. And Shinji was a weakling! Kaname was the only one fit to take command of this operation.

But Orochi had to be difficult. He had to embarrass her in front of the whole group. Now, they followed him, because [I]she[/I] looked like a fool because of[I] his[/I] arrogance! She would make that damned snake-man pay for that, no doubt about it.

But Izumi, what could she do about him? That kid, he was a maniac. He was crazy. He?d probably kill them all in a heartbeat. Probably after the next turn, he?ll bring out some blood stained knife, and chop them all to pieces.

No, that?s probably not his style. Izumi is different from others; but then again, that was obvious. But there was something about him that told Kaname he wouldn?t do something like that. He would kill them; Kaname had a good hunch about that. But he didn?t seem to want to kill them alone. He?s a glory seeker.

But a killer is a killer. Kaname would find a way to deal with him. Nobody was going to kill her in her pride, right when she was in the spotlight! That Izumi would accept her as leader in his own time, just like everyone else.

They hiked through the frosted forest at a moderately good pace, concerning the terrain. They arrived at the Cliff sooner than they expected, despite the fact that they had no real time table for each marker. Even Kaname left a compliment for the ragtag group.

?We managed to get here at least. You idiots may survive yet.?

?Perhaps we could have a truce then, oh mighty Kaname?? Orochi was smiling, as always.

?Don?t flatter yourself Hebi.?

Shinji decided upon himself to read the scroll. Compared to the first, it was ridiculously short. ??Through a frosted cave and slippery tunnels, the scroll is waiting for your lazy ass?.?

?Did that rhyme?? Orochi mused.

?It doesn?t matter,? Izumi said in his cold voice. ?We need to find the cave.?

?That doesn?t help, Mister High and Mighty. There are probably hundreds of caves around!? Throughout the taunt, Kaname didn?t even give the slightest hint of fear for Izumi in either her voice or her expression. Izumi took note of it.

A cough interrupted the still atmosphere. The three turned to Shinji. ?Well, it might not be so narrow??

?What do you mean?? Orochi arched his eyebrows.

?Well, the hint said frosted cave, right??

?Yes, on with it!?

?Well,? he stuttered, ?maybe the cave is blocked by ice? Maybe?? Shinji didn?t seem too sure to himself, or that?s how Orochi saw it. Kaname didn?t give much for the proposal, but Izumi saw some value from the weakling?s theory, even if Shinji didn?t see any value in his own suggestion.

?We?ll split up, each looking in different directions. We?ll light a signal when we find one matching the orange hair?s proposal.?

His cold tone was all that was needed for nods of approval.

It was quickly decided amongst the four of them where they would begin their search. Shinji would walk up the river that ran below the cliff. Orochi would search the forests surrounding the cliff in a two mile radius. When asked by Kaname how he would know when he reached the mile, Orochi simply said he ?had a knack for these things?. Kaname volunteered for the mountains on the west side of the river.

After all, she was an Uzuki, and thus, she was best suited for the task. None agreed with that statement, but if she wanted to trek through the mountains, she more than welcomed to.

Izumi announced in plain terms that he would search the forest region eastward. It was more plains than forest, and he would move through it faster than the rest, he reasoned. No one argued with the notion.

?But why these places?? Orochi mused. ?Forests, mountains, river, and plain. Why do we narrow them down to these??

?Because?, Kaname said in an unkind tone, ?these would be the best places for something to happen! An avalanche, packs of wolves, cold winds that would throw us into the river, and getting lost on the plains. Anything can happen there, so just getting to that scroll would be a test in itself.?

The revelation made a lot of sense, but the group was most surprised at how Kaname thought of this on her own. They never thought of her as someone who could analyze situations like this with so detail. Of course, Orochi noted that it wasn?t nearly as well done as how he would have studied it. For example, there was the fact that tests weren?t meant to kill. Tests were meant to be just that: a test. So there was the question why their sensei ? Nanaki, he remembered ? would go to such great lengths to endanger them so much?

But still, there was the fact that there was more to the over arrogant female than first perceived.

?Enough small talk,? Izumi interrupted the conversation. ?Just as long as we find that cave, everything else is pointless. We?ll meet back within two hours.?

They nodded; Orochi was beginning to fear that Izumi was slowly getting control of the group. He feared the results of the madman achieving that motion. He would have to make up for his mistakes when they find the frosted cave.

Orochi began to move, but he froze his movement in mid step when he [I]thought[/I] that he heard something. It sounded like a twig being snapped, but Orochi wasn?t sure. It was probably just his anxiousness over the whole situation. After all, if he failed his test, it would be an embarrassment on his whole carrier as a shinobi?if he would even be allowed into the Academy after such a blunder.

He finished that step, his boot sinking into the snow. The frozen water flew up around the boot, a few snowflakes landing on it.

That was when Orochi, realizing he had indeed heard something, and knew that something would be here very soon, drew a kunai from one of his pockets.

As if that was there cue, a small pack of wolves, no more than five, leaped from the forest, their large numbers pinning the hajin to the edge of the cliff.

?You?ve got to be kidding me!? Kaname?s hands were in a tight fist. She was obviously ready to break the bones of the wolves, and if her history proved true, that wouldn?t be as hard as task as one would think.

?What do we do?? Shinji shivered.

?Well, it?s very obvious?, Orochi stated simply. ?We fight.?

There was only one problem with Orochi?s proposal: Shinji couldn?t move. He was paralyzed by fear. This was his first fight, his first battle, his first chance to prove himself. And yet, he could not move.

But why? Shinji was by no means a prodigy, but he did fair enough on his tests to pass, and he would train for hours and hours. He was one of the few students who specialized in Fyuujin-Ru! He knew how to psychologically battle fear. He had been many mock fights before, so why is it that know, when all he is facing is mere animals, he is frozen by fear? Why is it that he is failing at such a critical moment?

?We have to fight,? Orochi repeated again, but Shinji didn?t acknowledge him. Orochi knew at once what was going on: he had heard of this many times before; the first sign of battle and the newly graduated hajin freezes in their boots. It usually fades away after that first battle, but that is only in the condition if the hajin will be breathing after that fateful battle.

Shinji was fortunate in that it was only wolves, but then again, it was wolves that may very well be starving. Starvation can drive men lower than even the most brutal of beasts: it doesn?t take much imagination to wonder what it will do beasts themselves.

It was then that the beats, their stomachs controlling every thought, leaped at the hajins. Without a second thought, Orochi pushed Shinji out of the way, the velocity and Shinkasai?s weight sending Shinji to the ground. In that same motion, Orochi drew a kunai, and sidestepped a lunge from a wolf.

Kaname stepped backwards, avoiding a series of swipes from another wolf. The wolf leaped for her, but she jumped backwards, nearly avoiding being bitten by the sharp fanged jaw. Now, the wolf?s fate had been decided: a moderate amount of chi had been flowing into Kaname?s fist for a few moments now. Taking the opportunity, she slammed it right into the wolf, sending it into the ground, earth erupting from the point of impact.

Breathing hard, she looked up from her handiwork to stare at Orochi, who?s kunai was keeping a wolf?s jaw open, whereas his free arm, wrapped around it, kept it from advancing towards him. ?If the idiot isn?t going to help, don?t bother with him!? Orochi could have very well have let go of the monster, and used Shinji has bait for a fatal blow. But he didn?t.

Orochi just smirked. He pushed the wolf back with all his strength, his fingers leaving their grip on the kunai. In the next moment, another kunai drawn, he sprinted for the beast, slashing it across the face. It fell, dead, to the ground. Relaxed, as if this was all natural to him (but in truth, this was the firs time he had ever killed [I]anything), [/I]he leaned down to the slain beast, and wiggled the kunai from the corpse?s jaw.

A wolf sprang for him, seeing the opportunity for a quick kill. This almost became truth, for Orochi didn?t sense the beast. But he heard it in the nick of time, and turned on the beast, and slashed it. The beast fell dead. This all happened within ten seconds.

Some would call Orochi?s actions horrifying: but others would call Izumi?s the very incarnation of terror. Two wolves circled around him, their jaws so filled with lustful drool that it dripped from their black lips. Their yellow eyes were dead centered on Izumi. And all the while, the pale boy had his arms crossed, eyes closed, as if he was inviting death.

And all too ready to give Izumi the invitation, the wolves leaped. At that very moment, Izumi?s eyes opened wide, and pillars of earth erupted beneath the wolves, catching them in mid air. An incomplete sphere of mud, dirt and snow, held in midair by support of earth, enslaved them. Parts of the wolves were hanging from them. They whimpered in fear.

Izumi only blinked. And the spheres crushed the wolves, blood flowing from them like a clogged river. The corpses fell to the ground, hard and missing of care. One of the wolves? lower jaw fell off, blood flowing from the wound.

Izumi didn?t even give any of them a moment to examine his work. ?Let?s stick to the plan.? With that, he left, passing them by without saying a word.

Orochi helped Shinji up. ?I best think that it is time to go now. Don?t you?? He said this was a sly smile, and a cheerful look on his face, his attitude acting absolutely oblivious to the dead wolves on the landscape. He left for the forest, taking a small glance at Kaname.

Kaname, however, was not to be kind to Shinji. ?Idiot. If you?re going to be useless, get out of here, will you? We don?t need you slowing us down! You could have gotten us killed!? Shinji didn?t say anything. He only starred. ?Whatever. It doesn?t matter, all right? Just be that way, Mister Superior.? With that, she to left, heading for the mountains off in the distance.

When everyone was nowhere in earshot, Shinji silently cursed to himself. He turned northwards, towards the river, and walked.

[Idyllwyld]

As always just keep a keen eye for typos and missed words. A common trait of mine is that in my mind the text will be moving along in my head, but when the words themselves are being written down (or re-read) my mind will therefore automatically fill-in accidently omitted words. And keep track of your verb tense, you still switch from past-tense (overall) to present here and there.

I did like how all three of them, with the exception of Shinji, aim to be team leader. Their opinions of themselves and the comrades, each told from their own respective vantage points, and their reasonings for these opinions, are a good touch. Also their actions, both in battle and out, reflect on their personalities.

However, I will note, that while reading through Kaname's parts I couldn't help but imagine Asuka Langley berating poor Shinji Ikari all over again. ^.-

[Disenchanted]

[SIZE=1]I told you I?d comment on this eventually. >.> sorry it took so long.

Well I like this, a lot actually. I?ve never been much into ninjas or Naruto so I really had no idea bout most of this, but you successfully explained things. Everyone has already commented on what I wanted to do its no sense repeating what others have said. Besides that, you have a really nice plot developing here, I especially like how their personalities clash and poor little Shinji seems to just ?be there?. Makes me want to shout ?Stand up for yourself!? Everything seems to be flowing nicely along, in a few parts I sort of lost where the story was going but quickly picked it up again.

Good work Matt, hope to see more of Kenzoku. So hurry up and post it already! : P[/SIZE]

[Doublehex]

[INDENT]You thought that this was dead. You thought that this story was pushed off into obscurity forever. Well, you are [I]wrong[/I]! I present to you know Chapter Four, the longest chapter of Kenzoku, ranking at a massive nineteen pages.

So, enjoy yourselves.

[b]UPDATE[/b] Someway, somehow, a section was deleted. I added it - it would be the one featuring Izumi and his awesomeness.

[/INDENT] [RIGHT][RIGHT][B]Chapter Four[/B][/RIGHT][/RIGHT]
[RIGHT][RIGHT][B]The Hunt[/B][/RIGHT][/RIGHT]

As Orochi made his way through the dense forest of oversized roots, head level branches, paths that twisted through and around enormous light shielding trees and snow frosted boulders, Orochi began to wonder how the original explorers managed to map the forest to begin with. He had hiked through the woods for only a few minutes, and already he began to fear that he wouldn?t see another soul for several days. No matter which direction he took, he was certain that those pair of trees looked very familiar, or that he had already seen that boulder before. Didn?t he already see that tree that was split in two?

A strange feeling called fear began to creep into Orochi?s subconscious. His conscience began to ask him a flurry of questions, and the more questions that questioned his abilities, the more he began to believe them. He had traveled in what looked like the same area for a good amount of time now. That good amount of time could turn into a large amount of time, which could evolve into hours, and maybe even days. Orochi didn?t want to believe that he would be another name added to the list of those forever lost in the Ookii Forest, but he was starting to think that would happen very soon.

Orochi sighed, and sat on a rock, but not before wiping the snow off. He hugged his coat, and shivered. His skin couldn?t get any paler, but his raven colored hair was getting covered in snow thanks to his lax of not wiping it off. He was starting to look like the spirit of someone who was lost in the storm.

Orochi shivered again, and his mind began to wander to his return a year ago. It was on a cold winter?s day - which was odd, since snow was rare enough - much like this. Orochi didn?t come to his homeland weak, crawling on his legs and arms, his body so skinny one could see his bone. Instead, he went to the clan home of the Hebi in a proud stance, where he said what had transpired.

There was much sadness in his voice then, as much he had tried to hide it, and his clan gave their condolences, and comforted him. But there was no one to comfort Orochi now. He was alone, taking on a task alone that would help his team succeed in their sensei?s test. He couldn?t halt his search for the frozen cave now, not when others were depending on him.

More determined than before, although not by much, Orochi began to walk forward, in a direction he had not calculated nor thought about. It was decided randomly.

Orochi walked for a good amount of time before he realized he was [I]not[/I] lost. Instead, he found he was now exploring new areas. Once he thought about it, the small storm had confused his vision, and made him think that when he was going straight over that small hill, he was in truth going [I]around [/I]the hill, and back at the rock resting at the base of the split tree.

Orochi chuckled spiritedly at his good fortune. Perhaps he had a chance to be of more use beyond keeping that big headed girl in line after all.

He walked for a few more minutes, his cautious feet apprehensive not to trip over any roots. Suddenly, as he stepped on a leaf hidden under the snow, the dead skin cracking under his boot, the observant Hebi heard a very familiar and unsettling sound. It was the growls of a hungry wolf.

He drew a kunai, and turned in the direction of the growls. He was expecting the meat crazed wolf to leap at Orochi immediately, in a fool hardy attempt to pounce the snake-man. But to his surprise, no such foolish leap came from such a direction. Instead, Orochi?s kunai met only silence.

Rather, the wolf, not as starving as the wolves from before, circled around Orochi from beyond his field of vision, and leaped from the side. Orochi had presumed too much in hoping the wolf was starving to the point of insane tactics, and he barely avoided the wolf?s maw. Even then, he was scratched at the arm.

The beast lunged for Orochi, and he managed to keep the maw at bay. But as he struggled with the beast, his eye found something horrifying.

A butcher carved slice of meat was hanging from a tree.

?It?s a trap!? Orochi yelled in a horror. Sensei had laid a trap! Did she presume they would travel in a group? Or?

?The others!? Sensei had planned a trip for the other three students; of this, Orochi was certain. The wolf?s strength overpowered the pale Orochi, and it tackled him. Orochi?s kunai barely kept the drooling maw from tearing his face off.

He had to think of something quick.

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Shinji walked through the snow frosted grounds of the nearing river. He clutched his jacket close to his chilled skin. He licked his lips to give them some warmth. He wiped some slime off of his nose.

His boots crushed into the snow as he walked through the storm. His eyes tried to keep themselves off from the ground, to keep it focused on the land above. This did not prove an easy task, however, for his thoughts were clouded with doubt.

It is not an easy thing, to in the first time in battle, to appear weak and useless. The fact that Shinji had trained so hard only made the wound sting all the more.

He creaked his neck up, to look up at the sun layered beneath the snowing clouds. It looked so bright today, despite the fact that it was snowing. It wasn?t a fierce storm; more like a frost than anything. Of course, it?s been a frost that has adding more and more snowflakes every moment for the past couple of days; thus, a few inches of snow had piled up across Disbakao. And despite this, the sun continued to shine through it all, never seeing to struggle in the latest.

It was a weird thing, for Shinji to try to think of the sun as a living thing. The sun didn?t breath, think or speak; it had no emotions of any kind. What good would admiring the sun?s work do when it wasn?t even human? It was like comparing apples to oranges.

But didn?t the Gods create the sun with their own blood? Didn?t that mean that the sun was a living thing as well? Maybe it wasn?t necessarily human, but it was something else. Perhaps it was just merely human in [I]thought[/I]. But if that was the case, then Shinji could relate to the sun.

And if the sun could go through all of this effort, of burning away at the snow, not get any progress, but [I]still[/I] fulfilling its duty, then what excuse did Shinji had of failing just this one time?

?I am one of the users of the Fyuujin-Ru style! Only one of twenty who actually graduated! None of the others have a skill like mine. Forget what that girl said! I [I]will[/I] succeed here. I?m not going to fail. Not now!?

Shinji continued his walk on the riverside, but now his stance was different. His shoulders were proud, not shallow. His boots stamped hard into the snowy ground; his arms didn?t waver in the wind like there was no strength in them.

Shinji continued his march for several more minutes. The more he walked, the more snow he crunched under his boot, the more determined he seemed to get.

Shinji didn?t realize thus, but portions of the river had begun to bubble, as if there was a volcanic eruption beneath the river bed. This was in fact the work of a water elemental summoning jutsu, and Shinji was about to see the handiworks of that jutsu.

The river exploded into the air, the water now taking upon the form of the elementals. Shinji stood there shocked. It was a marvelous sight to behold, and it was something he doubted he would ever see again.

The water curved itself, separated into three different streams, and slammed into the ground around Shinji. Instantly the shape of the elementals could be seen: faceless creatures, with a slim form. Their entire body lacked legs; it merged into the ground, drawing upon the massive supply of water that was caught deep in the earth.

Their speech was intelligible, more on par to someone choking on water than an alphabetical language. Their eyeless heads stared at Shinji.

Then they struck, their bodies fell to the ground, slithering at great speeds like snakes. They all slammed into Shinji, hundreds of gallons of water. One of them wrapped their liquid body around his leg, and sent him flying for the trees.

Shinji was not as poor a shinobi as people would chose to believe. Even as he was flying, his chi was flowing to his fingertips; certainly not at the amount and control that Kaname exhibited, but it was enough for him to have the chi act like glue onto a quickly approaching tree limb, allowing him to swing onto it in a quick and secure fashion.

Shinji quickly decided that he would have to attack them now. If he hesitated, he would be back on the defensive, and like before, he would be thrown around again.

But how? Shinji had scored poorly on the tactics test. It was evident he was not one to devise maneuvers and strategies on the fly like others. And as the elementals began to make their way towards him, Shinji quickly realized that he would need to devise a plan [I]now[/I].

A cracking of wood echoed into Shinji?s ear. Shinji looked down; the branch was cracking. It was the weight of Shinkasai! The enormous blade was too much for the branch to handle.

Shinji was about to leap for a nearby tree, but he was too slow. The branch broke beneath him, and Shinji fell to the ground. Even though they had no breath, Shinji could feel the presence of the water elementals gathering around him. He could sense that one of them was surely was raising its watery arm to smash Shinji into the ground.

Shinji turned around, onto his back, and he saw that his prediction was true. He attempted to bring out a kunai, in a feeble defense, but he was too slow, too dazed from falling to the ground. He felt the shock of the water fist slamming into his face. He went flying into the forest. The force of the strike threw Shinkasai off of Shinji?s back. It was thrown into a tree, impaling the bark.

Shinji hit the ground hard, and rolled through the snow, and he surely would not of have stopped until he hit a tree if he hadn?t dug his nails into the earth. He slowed down to a halt. He raised himself, a hard task. His head was bleeding as were some of his fingers. It was not severe, but it was troublesome.

His vision was blurred a little bit, but he could clearly see the water elementals heading towards him. He brought out his kunai and this time he was not too slow. He had his weapon to bear long before the elementals had come for their third assault.

One of them brought its form up, and raised its arm. A stream of water emerged, enough to send Shinji flying into a tree behind him. Shinji barely ducked below it: he felt the mist on his face. It was too close for comfort.

He moved beneath the stream, and made his way towards the water elementals, Shinji holding the knife as if to stab. One was already making its way towards him, its right hand prepared to smash into him. But Shinji proved the swifter, and his kunai cut into the watery flesh. He dug through the massive amount of water, and it didn?t take long for the arm to separate from the body. It eventually splattered into the earth, now nothing more than harmless water.

Shinji turned around, his sliding boots creating a cloud of dirt around him, thinking that he would see the rest of the elemental showing [I]some[/I] sort of pain from losing its arm. Instead, he found the area where the arm once was bubbling, and the arm had regenerated.

?This can?t be happening,? was all Shinji could force out of his mouth.

If he hadn?t said those words, he would of have seen a water elemental creep behind him, and plunge his head into a portion of its arm. Shinji dropped his kunai, and wrapped his hand around his throat, trying desperately and fruitlessly to wiggle free. The water elemental sped off, dragging Shinji along the ground. Shinji felt the harshness of stone and dirt digging into his legs. The elemental quickly threw Shinji off, his lungs from the threat of suffocating, but in threat of being slammed into the tree. By the grace of luck, it was his back that faced the punishment, and it was the lower end of the tree. He was fortunate he would not have to fall to the ground.

Once again Shinji stood up, but it was a much more difficult task this time. His hands and legs were bleeding, and he was coughing up water mixed with blood. His left eye felt heavy now, and he tasted blood in his mouth. His stature was slouched, as if there was a bag full of wood strapped to his back.

As the water elementals slowly began to approach him, Shinji knew that it was over. He was cornered, outnumbered, and so beat up it was a struggle just to [I]twitch[/I]. He was a mouse in a corner with three bloodthirsty house cats staring at him in the eye.

After all of his hard work, the sweat he had poured, the blood that has been cut from his body, Shinji could come to only a single conclusion.

He had failed.

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Izumi?s eyes scanned the plains. It was an odd thing, for a forest to have a section to have so few trees and be so flat. It felt more like a frosted desert than an actual forest. Even the sound of his footsteps was more comparative to rocks than the earth.

He had been walking on the chartered path for quite some time. His cold, emotionless eyes showed little distraction. His entire being was focused on the task at hand. It was no surprise: he was known throughout his graduating class for being an emotionless person. Now that he decided to think about it, one could say he was heartless. He didn?t show much affection. When spring came, as the sakura trees came to bloom, he wouldn?t give as much as a smile. He never had a crush, even though some beautiful girls attended the Academy. Not once had he complained of any surprise tests.

Thus, their rumors were very well founded. Of the little the class knew of him, Izumi did have all of the traits of a cold person. But there were always the little things that no one but those with a keen eye would see that showed what Izumi really was like. It was almost a shame that no one in the Academy had such a keen eye.

Izumi continued forward. He did have a task to do after all. Even though he was doing this task ? to find where the next hint was, and thus, the sensei - mainly for himself, he knew that it would be unfortunate for the Flame to lose two shinobis. He didn?t even consider Shinji. He was just baggage.

Izumi flexed his hand. It was getting sore from not moving.

He looked around, to try and see if there was anything he had missed. This place looked very familiar. In fact, he was certain he had been here before. There was the possibility of it being a genjutsu spell, what with this being a test, but Izumi had his doubts. It would be a waste to use such a high ranking spell on just a few, miserable, newly graduated hajin.

No, something else was at work here.

Izumi would walk on the same path for another minutes before his hypothesis was proven. He got on his knees, and reached into his shirt, producing a gourd filled with dirt. He poured some of the dirt onto his hand. He closed his hand, and crushed the dirt.

He opened his hand, and an eyeball made from the soul was visible. The hard eyelids blinked, staring at its master.

?Reveal the mystery.?

The eyeball hovered up to eye level with one of Izumi?s eyes. It blinked once, and then it dissolved into useless dirt.

Izumi stood up, and looked around. On a large rock was a strange creature. Its flesh was of a grayish hue, its eyes large and red. Its arms and legs were long and thin, and a large coat covered it. It didn?t have a mouth. Strapped to its back was a scythe.

It was a Dream Monster. It wandered places were few entered, much like the plains of the Ookii Forest, and ever slowly, sent its victims into a realm of dreams. The realm would be nearly identical to the real world, with minor differences; nearly unforeseeable differences.

Like a tree with a tint of blue in its bark.

Once there, the victim would ever slowly have their soul sucked out of them. They would wander the dream realm for ages, not knowing how to get out, for they believed they were in the real world.

They would wander until they died.

Izumi smirked. The monster realized that its plan had failed. It grabbed its scythe, and ran for Izumi. Its long legs gave it great strides. In mere seconds, it was upon Izumi.

He only blinked.

A wall of earth erupted, trapping the Dream Monster. The roots wrapped around the hands, the mud hardened around the neck. The creature struggled more and more to break free, but that made Izumi only tighten the grip all the more.

?I hate games,? he said. He tightened his hands into a fist. The wall crushed the monster?s neck. Blood seeped through the cracks, like water slipping through a dam. Izumi released his grip, dropping the creature to the floor.

Izumi turned from the creature. He took out a vial containing chi-infused earth from within his cloak, and spilled its contents into the ground. He opened his palm, and took out a small knife. The edge bit down into his palm. Izumi flipped his hand over, allowing the blood to drip onto the special dirt.

Izumi kneeled down. ?See for me,? he commanded, barely above a whisper. The dirt collected onto itself, pebbles and earth forming into an eye. It hovered to face to face with its master. It blinked.

?Find me the cave.?

The fell to the ground, and merged with the earth. It moved under the earth, like a worm.

Izumi did not need to wait long for his spy to return. It told him the cave was not here.

He would not waste his energy. He sat on the ground, cross legged, and waited.
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Orochi hates drool. He hates drool on his clothing, and he gets freaked out when he sees snoozing people drooling all over them. But most of all, he absolutely despises drool, saliva, grime, on dropping onto [I]him[/I]. Even a drop makes his skin crawl.

The wolf?s hungry maw was dripping so much saliva, that Orochi could probably have [I]bathed[/I] in it. Needless to say, it was taking every ounce of his will to resist dropping his kunai and wiping the stuff off of him.

Orochi stared into the eyes of the wolf; they were yellow, but the massive, black, fur made them look like deep caverns, with only a hint of light at then end. The eyes stared with great discipline at Orochi. They were hungry; the way the orbs refused to stir from Orochi told him so. This beast was starving: a mere bug was a feast. A rabbit was a banquet. A human would be heaven?s blessing.

But Orochi could not fall to a mere wolf. He had made a promise, and he had every intent to keep it. He couldn?t even imagine dieing now. Not only would it be embarrassing him falling to a simple, anonymous, wolf, but he had too much to do. Not just to keep the promise he made long ago: he still needs to lead the group to sensei. He needs to look at sensei. He needs to tell her that they beat all the odds.

But most important of all, he has to let Kaname kick the sensei?s ass for making them go through a hell of a test. Then he would let sensei kick Kaname?s ass, for being such a pain.

The giant beast?s massive paw had wrapped around Orochi?s left arm. Blood was oozing from the nails.

Orochi licked his lips a little. They were shivering a bit: it was very cold. His spit gave his lips some warmth.

Biting the bullet, he pushed paw off of him. The paw clawed the entire arm at the recoil. No longer pinned down, Orochi tore his kunai out of the fangs? tight grip. The knife cut through rotted teeth and flesh. It ripped at the mouth. The wolf whimpered at the pain.

Orochi raced to his feet, his hand gripping his kunai. He ignored the pain in his left arm, and placed it firmly behind his kunai arm. It was a somewhat steady support for the shivering arm.

The wolf growled. It hated itself for allowing its prey to overcome it; it was [I]so[/I] close to tearing at the pale boy?s delicate flesh. It could have smelled the aroma of a good meal. But, it was too distracted by what was to be, and not focused on the task at hand. Because of that, Orochi managed to slip away. Now the wolf was wounded. The tables had turned.

It stared at Orochi again with those caves for eyes. It would make up for its previous mistake. It would do whatever it takes to have Orochi for a meal.

It charged at the Hebi. It was a berserk charge, a movement of the paws fueled by its hunger. There were no longer calculations, no tactics, not even a thought of what would occur afterwards. It had abandoned that a wolf was. Now, it was just the beast, an entity that wished for only the short pleasure of food.

It had little chances of victory. Orochi easily sidestepped the lunge, and cut into its belly. The beast whined as it rolled to the ground. It was shaking. Life was quickly its grasp on the black furred monster. Blood was oozing from its wounded mouth. Stomach acid was burning its intestines from the inside.

Orochi sheathed his kunai. He took one last glance at the poor creature, and gave it his pity. Wolves were often symbolized as creatures of honor. They were born with the pack, they hunted the pack, and they died with the pack. It was ironic how even the entities of honor and selflessness could be reduced to a ravaging beast.

He turned his back to the beast. He would allow nature to do her duty.

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The mountains of the Ookii Forest never were like mountains in the most common of terms. The mountains had much more in common with canyons, the mounds of earth splitting in dozens of directions, creating just as many pathways. Each pathway was enough for perhaps six full grown adults, mere inches apart, to step through. Any more and you would have a very tight squeeze.

It certainly wasn?t nearly as barren as the plains were. On the other hand, the mountains were full of bushes and trees. Vines emerged from nearly every crack. Moss could be seen on the floor and wall. Trees curved, creating arches in the pathway.

As Kaname made her way through the mountain pass, her thought on the matter went through several changes. At first, she was certain she got the shorter end of the stick. After all, the trek was hard, with there being rocks protruding from the earth that slowed down her progress, low hanging tree branches that slapped her in the face when she was not looking, and of course, the fact that there was snow up to her ankles. She lost count how many times her foot plunged into the snow because she was too distracted to see that it was shallow.

But eventually, Kaname managed to see things in a much more positive light. The rocks were mostly flat, so they provided her with a place for her to rest when she started to get tired. The branches lurked on the sides of the path. With her walking in the center, she would not find any branches hitting her face. The trees actually provided her with some shade from the heat, which had seemed to go up since she departed from the others. And once she started to follow the trail of pebbles, not once did her foot fall into the snow.

Naturally, all of these measures became second nature to her. It quickly became as simple as walking in a clean hallway. With her mind so relieved, she began to hum. It was a simple tune really, just a series of high notes followed by a few low notes. But it was relaxing, and it added to the serenity of the place. It was so quiet; no rabbits or any other animals scurried across the path. The wind gently pushed the bushes and swayed the trees. It was almost eerie; frightening even.
[I] [/I]
As she walked and hummed that ever simple tune, she looked in admiration at the atmosphere. People didn?t know it, and she would never let them because it would smear her good name, but she loved nature. This wasn?t the first time she had been Ookii Forest. She would on occasion come here to be involved with nature. Granted, she had never been this far deep into the forest, but it still seemed like a second home to her.

Kaname shivered. ?Its chilly. Should of brought an extra layer.? She licked her lips, just to keep them from becoming cold. She rubbed her legs a little bit. It didn?t help too much, but it really wasn?t so cold that she would fear for her life. ?Damn sensei, you had to do this to us on such a cold day? Could of done it next week, you know?? She continued her walk, mumbling complaints as she went.

She stopped under a tree, its leaves with some frost on them. ?Well, its not too bad I guess. Everyone else is probably struggling through the woods, especially that damn Hebi and that useless outsider. Heck, this is a piece of cake! Must be the Uzuki charm.? After she looked at the surroundings for a bit, she moved on.

From there on, the path became much more rugged and bumpier. It was now a forced effort to continue. Still, she treated it leisurely. It was a bit more effort, sure, but why worry so much about it? It?s just a bunch of rocks and hills. Nothing a good Uzuki footing couldn?t handle.

She had just climbed over a hill when her eyes gleamed. They gazed at an interesting phenomenon: a frozen lake. It was a small lake; enough that a teenager could probably swim across it in twenty minutes time. It was in the center of a circle of cliffs and hills, as if the terrain was protecting this very lake. That in itself was odd, but what was even more curios was that the lake was even [I]frozen[/I]. It was cold, although chilly was the far more accurate term, but not cold enough for a lake to be frozen. Something (or some[I]one[/I]) was at work here.

Cautiously, she trekked down the hill, care to place her one foot in front of the other so that the steep slope wouldn?t cause her to trip and fall. She did not want to risk the chance of her head slamming into the ice.

It took her little time to reach the frozen pond. With even greater care, she made her way across the ice, her geta sandals moving ever slowly. Although it would cause no casualty, she did not want to land on her butt.

The moment she reached the other side, and saw what the frozen rocks and frosted trees had hidden from her sight before, a wonderful emotion flew into her. She had found [I]it![/I] The thing the others were searching for, but could not find. She, an Uzuki, had unearthed what the other fools had failed to do. The thing that stood before her was a testimony of the superiority of the Uzuki lineage.

She had found the cave hinted in the scroll.

It would have been easy for her to leap for joy, screaming at the top of her lungs how she had found the cave. But to do so would be to waste time. Kaname was being tested of her abilities as a shinobi; surely spying tags were placed in certain places of importance. They would allow sensei to see everyone?s progress and movements; she would see if they were truly shinobi. Even if they succeeded, the manner in which they undertook the test may cost them everything.

Kaname calmed her composure. She went through her bag, searching for the items she would need to alert the others. She found a small firework: it was the size of a wrist, the perfect tool for a shinobi. Now wanting the sparks to light her bag on fire, she pushed it away.

She pushed the firework into the ground. A series of symbols were etched into it. Kaname placed her hands over the firework, and began to cumbersomely form the seal to activate the firework. The letters began to glow. Kaname ran off. The firework launched itself into the sky, a small trail of smoke following behind.

It exploded in a glorious spectacle.

?If that don?t get those boneheads? attentions, I?m clueless as what will.?

[CENTER][CENTER]*[/CENTER][/CENTER]
The water elementals surrounded Shinji. His breathing had only worsened as they began to corner him into the tight circle. Shinji could feel the mist their corporal forms emitted.

Shinji?s body was hunched over. His body hurt too much for him to even stand up straight. His good eye saw how the water elementals examined him with their eyeless faces. They were waiting for him to make the next move. Shinji?s breathing; the way he couldn?t stand up; his eye that was so bruised he couldn?t see anything out of it. The elementals [I]knew [/I]that Shinji was weak; so weak that just collapsing to the ground seemed like a very worthwhile proposition.

The elementals stared at Shinji once more. They stared at him with those eyeless features. They had no face, but they mocked him. They criticized his weakness: he, a shinobi of Disbakao, incapable of defeating mere elementals; thralls to their master, a mere extent of a shinobi?s power.

He, Shinji Zukachi, had declared himself shinobi. But in truth, he was only weak.

Was he to give up now? After all of his work, his shed blood and poured sweat, was he truly to give up? He had passed over many obstacles, had taken many blows, and walked on many paths, all to bring him to this moment. And now, just one final test bisected him from the road of his dram, and he was to thrown in the towel so easily? Was that the road of a shinobi?

No, it was the road of a coward. It was that of the fool, a quitter. If he gave up now, allowed the elementals to overcome him, he truly would die. But if he gave a fight, a battle worthy of a shinobi, even if he was just a newly graduated one, his name would not die in shame. He would die with honor.

Fighting the aches, Shinji stood up straight.

The elementals didn?t dare waste a moment to begin their assault. They leaped towards Shinji, but it was clumsy. They all leaped at once, and in the same exact direction. Before, it was in unison, but different directions and angles, so that they would not smash into each other. Just as elementals were an extent of their master?s power, they also shared some of their characteristics.

It would appear sensei was a very cocky individual, when she seemed to have won the battle.

Two of the elementals smashed into each other. Water splashed as the summon waved into the floor. The elementals curved into a ball of water, and they rolled until they slammed into a tree. Water splashed everywhere, but the moment the water touched the ground the elementals began to take shape once more. This was nothing more than a setback.

The third elemental was right on target. It slammed into Shinji?s chest. The pressure of the water pushed him into the ground. The water elemental altered its height, towering over Shinji. Its form had pinned down his chest and left arm. Victory was in its grasp. Its watery speech muttered a statement of defiance.

The water creature rose into the air, preparing for a mighty strike that would easily crush Shinji?s bones. But it was too headstrong: it did not see that Shinji was already managing enough chi to form kounen. Fire surrounded Shinji?s free arm. He lashed out with it.

If the water elemental was capable of intelligible speech, the noise that would have emerged out of its mouth would be a blood curling scream of pain. Once cold water turned into painful steam; steam that could never return to the elemental. When the elementals sprang their trap on Shinji, they had never expected that the boy wielding the giant blade could manipulate fire.

The elemental, like a whimpering puppy, slithered off of Shinji. Drenched, the orange haired shinobi rose to his feet. He was dazed, but far from confused, and certainly not cornered, despite the disadvantage of facing three unfamiliar enemies alone. The elementals knew that he could kill them now. Before anything he hit them with could just be returned to their bodies. But those fire hands of his; they turned their liquid bodies into cold steam. Steam turns into gas. Gas does not return to water so quickly.

The tables had turned. With that revelation in mind, Shinji smiled. He looked down at his hand. A small flame still surrounded it, but the water had cooled it somewhat. Whenever he attacked the water elementals with the Fyuujin-Ru, he would have to add more chi to keep the kounen burning. It would be wise for him to not allow the elementals to learn that side effect.

Shinji closed his hands into a tight fist. He expanded a little chi into them, igniting the spark. Like a revolving shield, the kounen fire surrounded Shinji?s hands. They were never to touch him, unless he was to lose all concentration. Many Fyuujin-Ru masters had faced a cruel and painful death due to them losing their concentration in the middle of a battle, and they ignited themselves with their own kounen. There were dozens of precautions, of course, but when in battle the word ?prepare? is meaningless.

Shinji breathed in. He looked at the wounded elemental. He took another deep breath. He could see the frozen air emerge from his nostrils. He tightened the warm grip of his fist.

And then, he sprinted towards them. His footing was clumsy, like a new wolf pup following its mother towards their next meal. But the speed at which he ran more than made up for it. The crackling kounen fire trailed behind him.

The water elemental saw the flaming doom that approached him. Preparing for one, final attack, it rose up. It drew as much water as it could to its arms, and unleashed a massive wave of water towards Shinji.

The Fyuujin-Ru adept didn?t have the time to move out of the way. He guarded himself with his arms in an X stance, and hopes the raging fires would be enough to stop the assault.

It wasn?t. The strength of the water was too much. It cost the elemental nearly all of its strength, but Shinji was pushed back, rolling on the ground. When he stopped, he saw the looming figure of a water elemental towering over him.

Shinji lashed out at the water elemental, but winced back. He realized that his kounen was put out by that final attack! He knew he had to move. The water elemental, seeing its chance to avenge for its wounded brother, brought its watery arm down. Shinji rolled out of the way, barely avoiding the splash.

He crawled to his feet, dashing for a tree. The water elemental that had just nearly crushed him threw a missile of water at him. Shinji hid behind a tree just as it was about to slam into his beck.

Shinji hid behind the tree. He breathed hard. He heard the splashing of multiple missiles against the tree, the elemental hoping its power would break the tree apart. Slowly, Shinji peered around the corner of the tree.

He nearly got his face ripped off by a missile.

He stayed covered behind the tree, refusing to move, despite the fact that he could tell the water elemental was moving ever closer. He [I]knew[/I] that if he wanted to live, he had to move, but he didn?t know where. If he ran to the next tree, there was a sure chance that he would be hit by the elemental?s missile. If he stayed, the elemental would kill him anyways.

Fighting the best of his judgment, Shinji ran for the nearest tree. He heard only one missile come towards him. He dived beneath it, tasting snow and dirt on his lips. The missile splashed above him, tearing off bark. Shinji crawled behind his next cover.

But this time, he wouldn?t dare allow himself to be cornered again. He ignited his hands with as much kounen as he could muster, and he dashed towards the water elemental. He swerved between the missiles.

When he saw the most sensitive of ripples in the face of the elemental, he leaped towards it. His hands were raised, the crackling fire passing behind him. His blue eyes were focused absolutely on his target. Nothing distracted him. Nothing else mattered; not how one failure and he was dead, not how the elemental was rising, already posed to strike him and his life down.

All that mattered was this one shot, this one chance. He must be patient; he must strike at the most prime moment. The very second when he can send his fiery hands through the watery form of the elemental, and cleave it in two. He could end it with one shot.

Shinji saw that prime moment when the water elemental began to raise its hands. Its guard was done ? there was nothing but the cold air that protected its fragile body. His fists went crashing down straight into the torso of the elemental. The water splashed onto his face as the body of the elemental fell apart. When he landed on the ground, he landed a swift, kounen fuming, kick to the lower torso.

The whole elemental now was just steam.

Shinji rose up, his breathing anything but steady. His eyes wandered from tree to tree. The water elemental was in sight; the remaining one must be planning an assault. The other was too weak to do anything; Shinji put that one out of the equation.

Elementals were noisy beasts. Even if they were standing still, the very elements from which they were made of caused an endless series of sounds and noises. The rippling of water; the crackling of fire. Only the earth elementals were the exclusion; if they stood still, the earth and rocks that made it up would be still with them.

From behind him, Shinji heard the sound that seemed awfully similar to that of beach. He turned around, and saw out of the corner of his eye newly melted snow. Grinning, he headed in the direction.

He dashed towards the tree, and when he rounded around its bend, indeed he did find the water elemental there. However, the moment he saw it, it sprung towards him, its long arms prepared to drown him in water.

He realized at once that it was a trap, and he had fallen for it. Despite the flames around his arms kept him warm, he could still feel the icy grip of the water as they wrapped around him. It was like a dozen needles were being poked into his skin.

Shinji screamed. He was [I]not [/I]going to allow himself to be trapped again! His fist blasted through one of the arms. The dismembered arm splashed to the ground, melting the snow away. Shinji dashed through the opening.

When Shinji turned, he saw that the elemental was already spreading its water to give itself half an arm. The water bubbled, and the new arm sprung out. Shinji held his arms in front of him in a defensive stance, expecting the water elemental to strike at any moment.

His prediction proved true. The water elemental rushed towards him at a speed Shinji knew he couldn?t avoid. He rolled out of the way, his back sprayed by the water.

He looked to his left, and a plan quickly began to form. It would involve him balancing his chi, something he never was the greatest at. Kounen was one thing, but using chi to defy gravity? That was another story all together.

Still, if it worked, this water elemental was as good as dead. At worst, it would give him an advantage.

Shinji made his way for a nearby tree, his jog quickening into a sprint. As expected, the water elemental was close on his trail. The snow added to its body composition, giving it not only constant rejuvenation, but added power to boot.

It raised its hand, and struck into the earth, hoping to trap Shinji under the massive pressure of water. Fortunately, Shinji heard it coming, and a small leap kept him out of the deadly strike.

He soon found himself near the tree. The trick was to have his chi act like glue, gluing Shinji to the bark of the tree. It had to be enough that he would be able to defy gravity and walk up the tree, but not so much that he quite literally would be glued to the tree.

The water elemental struck again, its watery fist aimed low. It would hit him in the spine; if it didn?t break his back, the hit would definitely kill him.

Knowing this, Shinji leaped forwards, towards the tree. Already, his chi was flowing towards his feet. He had to balance it out?sometime between now and before he slammed into the tree. In total, he had about four seconds to complete the task. The fact that he had never done this before in a long time didn?t help his psyche.

He positioned his legs so that his feet would land first. Shinji closed his eyes tightly, fearful of the likely failure. The boots landed on the bark with a large thud. When he opened his eyes, and realized he was looking upwards from the tree, and down on the ground, he knew at once he had completed the task.

The water elemental was not impressed by Shinji?s accomplishments. It charged towards him. It raised its hand, and released a stream of water towards Shinji. He leaped off, using the loaded chi as a soft propulsion. The Chi Jump, as this technique was called, could enable a shinobi to make leaps between two buildings or more. It was an advanced technique, and Shinji knew he did not master it now. But, it helped him speed towards the water elemental like a speeding arrow.

He gripped his fists, kounen fire already igniting it. The fists dug through the shoulder of the water elemental. The whole arm fell, exploding into a large shower. Shinji landed behind the water elemental. Before the elemental could turn, Shinji buried a kounen torched fist into its chest.

It exploded into a mist.

Shinji heard the cumbersome sounds of the wounded water elemental struggling behind some trees in the far background. Shinji turned to face it. The water elemental knew at once that it was doomed.

Before Shinji rushed towards it to land the final blow, he raised a flaming fist in victory, and sported a wide grin on his face.

[CENTER][CENTER]*[/CENTER][/CENTER]
[CENTER][CENTER] [/CENTER][/CENTER]

After he had disposed of the Dream Monster?s corpse, Izumi sat cross-legged on a flat stone. His spy had told him that the frozen cave the orange haired boy spoke of was not on the plains; thus was one of the benefits of his unique heritage. There was no point wasting his energy; he was not like the Uzuki.

So, he sat down and waited for a sign. He did not have to wait long: his peace was interrupted by the fireworks Kaname had lit into the sky. He observed them with great interest, calculating which direction they were from.

?Uzuki,? he decided. He got up, wiped some snow off of his shoulder, and made his way towards the mountains, where Kaname was surely impatiently awaiting him.

[CENTER][CENTER]*[/CENTER][/CENTER]
[CENTER][CENTER] [/CENTER][/CENTER]
When Orochi had heard the explosion of the fireworks, he had been sprinting through the forest. He wanted to get to Shinji first, for he perceived him as the first that would get killed by sensei?s traps without any aid. Despite the seriousness of the situation, he, as always, had a calm look on his face.

When the fireworks did crackle in the sky, Orochi turned to look at them. He considered all possible actions he could take. It was obviously it was someone?s (with that someone being Kaname) way of saying they found the cave. It didn?t take much thought to know he should head there immediately.

But, what if Shinji was dying? His death would do nothing but harm the team?s chance of passing the test. A mere half hour walk would save hours, if not days, on the test.

A thought came to his mind: what if Shinji was alive and well, and was already on his way? Orochi would waste only time going to Shinji, when the orange haired shinobi did not need his help to begin with.

Orochi rubbed his chin.

He would place his trust in Shinji. He ran towards the fireworks.

[CENTER][CENTER]*[/CENTER][/CENTER]
[CENTER][CENTER] [/CENTER][/CENTER]
Shinji?s fingers scrapped at the bark as his body slunk to the ground. In the battle with the water elementals, he had emerged as the victor. But the cost was he had drained his body of all his chi. His stamina was drained: he could barely keep himself standing without using a nearby tree as support.

His shaking hand rose, the pale fingers trying desperately to reach for the tree. But it was a failed effort: gravity forced the hand to the ground.

Shinji cursed at his misfortune. ?I won. I really won, huh? Yeah, right.? Shinji?s hand dug into the ground, as he tried to crawl his way through the forest. Most times, he would find only a handful of grass. But those few times, he would actually manage the strength to move his body.

He struggled through the grass, earth, snow, and the shattered wood. His face had started to bleed again. The sheer effort his fingers had to go through was making them numb. He still couldn?t see out of his eye; half of the world was cast in darkness.

He struggled ever on.

When his fingers felt the harsh texture of a shattered bark, Shinji would use it as a stave, and plunge it into the ground, and use that as a way to push him forward. When it broke, he would use what was left until there was nothing left to use. Then, his fingers would go back to work.

There came a time when eventually all strength left him. His hand dropped to the ground, and his cheek rested on the snowy ground. He breathed heavily; his chest felt heavy. Eventually, his breath became slow and harsh. His eyes looked strained; he barely blinked, even when a snowflake would fall on his emotionless eyes.

Before him, rising from the ground, surrounded by shattered wood and life destroying snow, was a single flower. Its violent red was in total defiance of the atmosphere that surrounded it.

Shinji?s cold eyes stared at the flower, mesmerized by it. How cold a single flower be here, when admits the chaos of the battle, not even trees were safe from the destruction? It seemed so surreal to Shinji.

?Look mother, I did it. I won. I managed to do [I]something[/I]. You were right, all this time. I?m not a failure. But, mother, I?m going to die here. I-I didn?t even become a full fledged shinobi. Just some boy who killed a bunch of water elementals.?

Shinji coughed. He raised his head as high as he could, the edge of his eyes just barely seeing the roof of leaves the forest made. ?But I did something. I didn?t fail. They won?t know it. But, I still did it.?

Shinji?s hand gripped the grass. ?Is it okay to give up then? I accomplished something: I can die peacefully, right mother? I can see you and father again, wouldn?t that be great??

Shinji closed his eyes, accepting his death. He felt so cold. He welcomed it. After all of his misery, he could finally end it all. He could finally have a peaceful death.

Then, suddenly, as if the Gods had timed it themselves, the crackle of the fireworks awoke Shinji from his most wanted death. Slowly, his eyes opened, and he caught the spectacle in the middle of its grand performance.

They did it. They found the cave he had thought of. He was right all along, and they had gotten through whatever trials they had to go through to find it.

?No, I can?t give up now. I can never give up, not like this. Die on a test? That?s too embarrassing?even for me. I-I gotta get up.? He knew it was foolhardy; he knew that he couldn?t move. But he would be damned before he try anyways.

He hardly raised an inch before he fell to the ground.

?I gotta get up.? He raised and fell. ?I have to get up.? Again, failure. ?I need to get up.? Failure.

He would attempt to rise above the ground, putting his trust purely in his unwillingness to die, but Shinji would fall to the ground every time. He wouldn?t stop trying, though. When he felt the blood drip down his nose, he would try even more. When he felt the bride of his nose bruised, he would rise even more frequently.

He refused to die.

Shinji didn?t know how long he laid there. For him, time had lost all of its purpose. But, there came a time when he found the will and strength to stand up. It was a slouched, half dead stature. It was the type a man who had just grazed with death would barely be able to keep.

He walked a few steps before he fell on his knees. He breathed hard, gave an over confident smirk, and rose back up. It nearly killed him, but he didn?t care.

He made his way to the tree where Shinkasai was impaled. His right hand slid along the smooth surface of its hilt. He grasped the end of it with both his hands.

The blade fell out of the tree, like it was slathered in oil. Shinji caught it in his shivering arms.

Shinji let off a small groan as he planted the blade into the earth. He moved a few steps, brought it out of the ground, and thrusted it into the earth again. The blade would be the only support Shinji would have a very long time.

Shinkasai felt a little bit lighter.

[Silent_sword909]

Hey, I'm kindof new here, but I thought I'd leave you a comment. I've read your entire story, and I have to say; it's really good! It uses alot of elements from other anime, (mostly Naruto) and I think it's great! The story flows really well, and the characters are awesome. Most people can't pull off a story based on another anime or two, but you've done really well!! I hope to hear more, I think I'm addicted. I REALLY want to see when Shinji uses his sword. Anyway, keep up the good work!

[Doublehex]

Silent_sword909,

Thanks for reading the entire Kenzoku, as I have managed to write. Not alot of people are capable of reading 61 pages on a monitor in one sitting [me included :shifty:], but I really appreciate it.

Yes, I took alot of elements from Naruto, because it was my main inspiration. I tried to keep it as that [and not ripping it off :animeshy:]. I also took the zanpakutos from Bleach, and modified them greatly, although how the zanpakutos were presented were not exactly the most unique idea on the face of the earth.

I'm glad you liked the characters; do you have any favorites? How do you hate? Who needs some work?

I don't want to have the characters rely on their wasukas too much because they are supposed to be top class mercenaries. The best warriors know the path to success is diversity; they will use the wasukas, I assure you of that, but only when the time comes.

But when that time [I]does[/I] come, I assure you that you shall not be disappointed.

[Silent_sword909]

Hello, me again. While I must admit, it was a bit daunting when I saw how long the story was, I started reading it and just couldn't stop. I really like Naruto, and I was estatic when I found that this story used the same theme. I have been wanting to start some sort of Naruto based story or rpg myself, but I hadn't got around to it. This story is really kool, and I will give you my honest opinions.

Shinji is of course my favorite character. I'm going to assume he's based off Naruto, because their characters are so similar. The fact that he has a giant sword as his spirit weapon is even kooler. Like I mentioned earlier, just give him the chance to use it somewhere in the future, though from your comment, I have no doubt that you will. =)

Anyway, hate, as in.. dislike? Or hate as in, needs so much work its crazy? I think you meant the first one, because none of your characters are so poorly developed. The only one I have anything to say about is Isumi. He's made like Gaara, meaning he has, or is, a monster. You've explained some of his background, and given him a decent showing. Maybe you should play out his character more? I mean, like his other teammates, how we saw how they acted around people? I guess just have him interact with more people. I mean it's great now, and the characters will interact more and more as the story goes on, so if this helps good and if not, sorry.

One thing, is being the leader SO important? Everyone needs to be a team, not worry about ruling everyone else. Though I do guess it's just in their personalities. LoL poor Shinji!!

I was surprized when you mentioned the wasukas. I immediately thought "Bleach!" and it turns out I was right. I really like this new development. It makes for an interesting twist for a Ninja story. Just, make sure they USE them! I cannot stress this enough. In Bleach, they train for their zanpaktos different strengths, and the zanpaktos give their owner the power. Maybe use this in a similar way, though I don't know where you were going with it. Just make SURE to develop the wasukas, because they have personalities too.

Though I'm not sure I helped all that much, at least I said what I was thinking. I get on everyday, so if you leave a comment, I should be able to reply back pretty quickly. Thanks for the chance to talk!! O yeah, and how far are you on the next chapter? I'm REALLY looking forward to it. :D

[Doublehex]

Sorry about the lateness of this reply. I've been kind of lazy as of late :P

[QUOTE]Shinji is of course my favorite character. I'm going to assume he's based off Naruto, because their characters are so similar.[/QUOTE]

Actually, that was not the case at all! I never had any intention to make Shinji similiar at all - but, like Orson Scott Card has said, "The problem is that real influence is (or should be) unconscious" ([url=http://www.hatrack.com/writingclass/lessons/1999-12-20.shtml]LINK[/URL]). I love the whole Naruto mythos, although its title character comes to me as an annoyance more times than not. But, I don't want Kenzolu to be compared to it beyond its influence. Naruto inspired me to write this; it gave the base for the Kenzoku series. But, do I want it to have so many minor similarities that it should be compared to Naruto? No, I hope not.

[QUOTE]The fact that he has a giant sword as his spirit weapon is even kooler. Like I mentioned earlier, just give him the chance to use it somewhere in the future, though from your comment, I have no doubt that you will. =)[/QUOTE]

When he does use it, it will be something that will be well worth the wait.

[QUOTE]The only one I have anything to say about is Isumi. He's made like Gaara, meaning he has, or is, a monster.[/QUOTE]

Yes, all of the fangirls' favorite psychotic maniac was obviously inspired greatly by Gaara. He's been a major pain in my side because early on, he practically IS Gaara. But, I have a few ideas to make him so different that there will be no comparison.

However, there is the now, and not the then. I need to work on the now before I get to the then.

[QUOTE]One thing, is being the leader SO important? Everyone needs to be a team, not worry about ruling everyone else. Though I do guess it's just in their personalities. LoL poor Shinji!![/QUOTE]

You are exactly right, its melded into their personalities. Kaname has her 'mightier than thou' attitude, Orochi, with his calm disposition, likes to analyze things, and thus see that he is the best choice, and Izumi is just power hungry. And poor little Shinji-kun is just lost in the middle!

[QUOTE]I was surprised when you mentioned the wasukas. I immediately thought "Bleach!" [/QUOTE]

Inspiration, not ripoff. :p

[QUOTE]really like this new development. It makes for an interesting twist for a Ninja story.[/QUOTE]

Originally, there weren't going to be any wasuka in the story, but I had watched a Bleach episode, and the idea just came to me. I went on it from there.

[QUOTE]Just, make sure they USE them! I cannot stress this enough. In Bleach, they train for their zanpaktos different strengths, and the zanpaktos give their owner the power. Maybe use this in a similar way, though I don't know where you were going with it. Just make SURE to develop the wasukas, because they have personalities too.[/QUOTE]

It won't be developing like you think, but it would be more like fleshing out of their characters. They [I]are[/I] spirits, after all - they are not human. They don't change ideas or motifs like we tend to do every other minute.

[QUOTE]O yeah, and how far are you on the next chapter? I'm REALLY looking forward to it.[/QUOTE]

All this week, I have been revising chapter one and the prologue, adding new scenes, removing lines and paragraphs that disrupted the flow of the story. I mostly added to Shinji, where I had him do some thinking at the frozen pond at the Academy, and I removed the story telling scene. I also added Kaname's scene in the bar.

I am two pages into Chapter 5, because of the reason above. I am going to try to get it out as quickly as possible, although I am not guaranteeing anything. It may take me another month, like Chapter 4!

[Silent_sword909]

Well, with all we've talked about, I think I know a little more into the story, and where you're trying to go. With that said, I'm gonna stop bothering you, so you can make improvements and/or write the rest of your story! Good luck finding the right words, but judging from what I've read, you don't need luck. :D Keep it up, I'll be waiting for your next post.

[Doublehex]

[INDENT]Good news! I got this chapter out in record time - only two days work! Now, granted, its shorter, but that dosen't mean that is any worse than the rest.

Enjoy!


[/INDENT] [RIGHT][RIGHT][B]Chapter Five[/B][/RIGHT][/RIGHT]
[RIGHT][RIGHT][B]Blood Trails[/B][/RIGHT][/RIGHT]

Kaname didn?t have to wait as long as she expected for the first of the group to arrive. It was silent Izumi, his hands crossed as he walked across the small, frozen lake. White snowflakes covered his black hair, but whenever they landed on his face, he would wipe them off quickly.

When he saw Kaname, sitting on a tree trunk that was half frozen beneath the pond, he only gave her a nod of approval. He walked off to lie against the cavern wall, refusing to utter another word.

Kaname would take a few glances at Izumi, but none of them lasting longer than a few seconds. Izumi did not acknowledge her glances if her saw them.

Orochi came afterwards, even though he had come running and puffing, he did not have a look of perspiration on him. He observed the frozen pool with a mild interest, noting the irony of a frozen cave stationed above a frozen pool. He thought for a moment on how a lake, or even a cave for that matter, could be frozen when it wasn?t nearly cold enough for that.

Hr shrugged it off as he made his way to the pool. He pushed his raven hair out of his face as he took a glance at Kaname. She looked at him with disdain.

Orochi took his seat in the center of the frozen lake, his legs crossed, his pointing finger and thumb balancing his chin. He didn?t need, nor want, to talk with either of his teammates. He was still scared out of his mind of Izumi, and he knew whatever response Kaname would give him would not at all be in his best interests.

He would wait there, looking straight into the frozen wall of the cave. His mind wandered to how Shinji was doing; he was worried about him. The reason for this was twofold: one, if they lost a member, the party may be flunked just for that. The second was on his conscience: it would be [I]his[/I] fault if Shinji died. He placed his trust in Shinji, to overcome whatever trap sensei had placed near the river, but if he still died, it would be Orochi?s fault.

As the minutes passed, Kaname was obviously becoming more and more agitated by Shinji?s tardiness. He was taking too long! He should have been here by now! What was taking him so long! He should hurry up! He passed the Marajin?s examinations for crying out loud!

Izumi showed no expression, but shared similar, if more calm and collected, feelings on the matter.

It would be a half hour later before Shinji, still bleeding from his head and hands, clutching to Shinkasai, would arrive on the frozen lake. The world he saw was a shaking, dizzy, multicolored one. Each step sounded like a thunder bolt crackling on the ground.

Each step was slow, cautious, and ever painful.

When he heard the orange haired shinobi?s steps on the ice, Orochi turned instantly, a smile of satisfaction spread across his face. The moment he saw Shinji, his face went cold.

He knew at once that Shinji was barely alive.

?Shinji!? He screamed for the first time in many months. He dashed towards Shinji in a frantic dash, almost slipping on the ice. He was acting first, thinking last, which was very unlike Orochi.

When Kaname saw Shinji, she knew at once something was wrong. She was too far away to see the blood, but he was moving too slow to be in good condition. She saw the way he was slouched, how his hands were wrapped something for much needed support.

She ran towards Shinji. She slipped once, but got right back up.

By the time she got to him, Shinji had fallen into Orochi?s arms. ?What the hell happened to him??

?Its fairly obvious. He got almost beaten to death.?

?I know that! By [I]what[/I], I mean.?

?I don?t know! Just keep him steady.? His voice was unusually threatening.

?I-I?m fine.? He coughed. ?Let me up. I can stand.?

?You keep talking, and you?re going to find MY foot in YOUR mouth,? Kaname threatened.

?Kaname, I need water.?

The vain woman smirked. ?And I know just the place.? She ran to the frozen pond, and slammed her foot straight through the ice. She reached her hand into the opening. ?Ah! That?s cold!? She screamed and jumped backwards.

?Kaname! Water!?

?I?m coming!? She kneeled down, bit her tongue, and scooped up a handful of the freezing water. ?Here,? she reported when she returned.

She kneeled down. Orochi dipped his fingers into the water, and spread the water across Shinji?s hot face. He groaned.

?Bear with it,? Orochi demanded. He didn?t show any pain from the water?s cold temperature.

He pulled out a small bag that was strapped to his side. He placed it next to him.

?Do you even know what you?re doing, Hebi??

Orochi didn?t respond.

Orochi put more water along Shinji?s face. ?You can warm your hands now.?

Kaname got up away from Shinji, and uncapped her hands, the freezing water falling onto the snowy ground.

Orochi opened his bag, and pulled out a small vial. He opened it, and allowed its content to drip onto his pointing and index finger. He trailed the fingers along Shinji?s wounds, apportioning the foul smelling liquid. Shinji?s face grimaced. Orochi didn?t sympathize with him. He was too involved in his work.

When he was done, Orochi wiped his hand on the ground. He breathed in deeply. He brought his hand over one of Shinji?s wounds. Ever slowly, his fingers began to glow. The glowing fingers made contact with the still bleeding wound. The liquid hardened instantly.

He continued until all of the bleeding stopped on all of the wounds.

?Now he won?t die of bleeding at least.?

?You studied medical ninjutsu, didn?t you??

?Yes. When I returned a year ago.?

?So what now??

?Bandage his wounds of course.?

He pulled out a big roll of cloth from his bag. ?Help me out here.?

The two shinobis got to work, wrapping Shinji?s wounds up. It took them some time, mostly due to Kaname?s clumsiness with such delicate work, but they were soon done. Shinji?s left eye was all covered up, and so was his entire left arm.

Orochi opened Shinji?s mouth carefully. A small pill was in his fingers. ?Bite down,? he said softly.

Shinji did so. Within moments, he was asleep.

?What did you do that for??

?The human body heals faster when it is asleep. Besides, he was exhausted.?

?This is exactly what we need. First we?ve got to wait for him to wake up, and then we?ll have to deal with his wounds! This is [I]just[/I] perfect.?

?But if we left him to die, we would fail.?

Kaname groaned.

The two heard the footsteps of someone approaching. They turned to see Izumi had approached him. He looked downward towards the slumbering Shinji. Izumi looked at him coldly.

He looked at Orochi and Kaname. ?Leave him?.

?No,? Orochi said.

?He will slow us down. We cannot afford to have someone wounded try to keep up with us. We are in a race against time here, Hebi. By the time he wakes up, our first day will be gone. Who knows how much we have??

?If he died, she may disqualify us even if we arrive with days to spare.?

?And if she wouldn?t??

?Then we?ll just move faster. I?ll be responsible for him.?

?You do that, Hebi. You fail, and I will see to it you will regret it.? With that, Izumi turned and walked away.

?You?re in trouble now, Hebi. I heard people do some stupid stuff, but crossing with?that thing??

Orochi wiped a tear from his eye. ?I don?t think I ever did something so fearful in my life.? A shaking hand brushed his dark hair away from his face. ?He could of killed me any moment.?

?Must think of you as a plaything.?

?Thank you for the compliment,? he said irritably.

?Oh shut up you snake.?

Orochi stretched casually. ?Well, I need a nap. Go watch over Shinji for me.? Orochi started walking towards a shady tree.

?Me? Why not you!?


?Because I did most of the work. He?d still be bleeding if I wasn?t here.? He waved. ?Good night, madam.?

?I really do hate that man?? she muttered under breath. She turned to Shinji. ?What did you do to yourself, you idiot??

[I]Because you called him useless, remember? Who wouldn?t want to prove otherwise?[/I]
[I] [/I]
?So, it was my fault then.? She sighed. ?Well, then he?s useless and an idiot. He didn?t have to do anything! Hell, [I]I[/I] was the one who found the cave, not him.?

Kaname scratched the back of her neck. She walked to a nearby rock for her to sit on. If she was going to watch the slumbering idiot, she was at the very least going to be comfortable.

Of course, sitting on a rock led to her leaning against the nearby tree; leaning against the tree led to her putting her arms behind her head. Cushioning her head led to her closing her eyes in a peaceful daze, and that led to her sleeping.

This took her about two minutes.

The moment Kaname fell asleep, Izumi groaned with disgust. He was placed in a group with fools, and now he was suffering because of it. It was true that if Shinji died, and if sensei was an oversensitive person who had no place in being a shinobi, then yes, they may have failed the test. But that was all a bunch of ifs ? Izumi was a man of definitions and absolutes. He didn?t care for possibilities, chances and hypothesis.

Shinji was slowing them down; it was only fair to leave him behind. He was treated; now leave him!

But shinobis worked together as a team, much to Izumi?s chagrin, and in teams, majorities rule. And even more to Izumi?s disgust, the majority elected ton wait for Shinji to awaken from his rejuvenating nap.

The whole idea disgusted Izumi. They were all a bunch of weak minded fools! How could the Country of the Flame rise up to such prominence with such weaklings as their shinobis?

Izumi spat in disgrace to the Flame. He looked up, and saw Kaname sleeping, and Shinji absolutely defenseless to whatever threat may come.

?Idiots,? he moaned. He walked towards Shinji. His steps were calm and slow; no step was too much in front of the other. He was perfectly balanced. There wasn?t any threat to him slipping on the ice.

When he passed by the hole Kaname made, he noticed how she used too much chi. If she used a little less, and if it was more evenly distributed, she could of have made a clean cut hole. She wasted too much just for some water for a fool.

Izumi looked down at Shinji. He saw how the orange head was sleeping peacefully, totally unaware of how much trouble he had caused.

He was sleeping there in such a peaceful daze, that there would have been nothing to stop Izumi from crushing his head like a bug. He could imagine it exactly what it would be like; the way the skull would crumble, how the flesh would tear at the pressure, and how blood and brain would explode in every direction.

He had done it before, and he could do it again. Just a grip of his hand, and the earth would answer the call. The dirt and mud and snow would wrap around Shinji, and in an instant, crush him.

But for some reason that day, Izumi didn?t kill Shinji. He just shrugged, said to himself it wasn?t worth his time, and went back to the cave wall, to wait in silence for his team members to awaken.

[Idyllwyld]

Another two good chapters! However, there are some things that need correcting in Chapter Four:

When Izumi fights, or rather just discovers the Dream Monster that section cuts off and then leads to Orochi beating back the wolf.

[quote]?I hate games,? he said. He tightened his hands into a fist. The wall[/quote]

Speaking of that section with Orochi, you switch to present tense for the first few paragraphs. Try to keep your tense consistant, it reads jaringly when it switches back and forth.

Overall, I liked chapter four. We see some fighting, and some more character fleshing out. Calm Orochi, but especially Shinji. This is his first victory, albeit a close one, but the fight is intense and grabbing to follow. Izumi is still his usual, cold and collected self, easily dealing with the Dream Monster almost effortlessly. His cold rationale in chapter five over Shinji paints him well too.

Kaname's actions speak more than her attitudes. Her whistling despite the ominous nature of her surroundings (or lack thereof) and her falling asleep (I like how you wrote: "This took her about two minutes." Nice comedic aside-comment!) But, she still worries, and Orochi's compassion distinctly stands out. He's always trying to help the group, and those around him. His dealing with Izumi using logic, to appeal to Izumi's cold logic, was very skillful on Orochi's part--very telling of him.

[Doublehex]

[RIGHT][RIGHT][B]Chapter Six[/B][/RIGHT][/RIGHT]
[RIGHT][RIGHT][B]Through the Tunnels[/B][/RIGHT][/RIGHT]

It would be sometime later until the three shinobis decided to wake up. Kaname and Orochi woke up at nearly the same exact time. Orochi sighed when he saw Kaname?s sleepy eyes. She only rolled them out of ignorance.

Shinji woke up nearly afterwards. He could move, which surprised him considering his prior situation. Not realizing his left eye was patched, his hand scrambled to try to find out what was covering it.

?You do that, and you?ll tear off both the patch and the eye I worked to heal,? Orochi said.

?And if you do that, I?ll make sure you?re dead.?

?Okay??

Shinji rose up. He looked down at his arm.

?You can take [I]that [/I]off.? Shinji proceeded to do so.

?Let?s move.? The three pairs of eyes turned to Izumi. No one complained. Kaname and Orochi followed him. Shinji picked up Shinkasai, was surprised to see that it didn?t nearly tear out his spine like before, and was quick to follow.

Kaname was the one to open the cave wall. She took in a deep breath, allowing herself to get as much air as possible. She moved her left leg in front of her, and her right to the rear. The left arm was raised so as to act as a balance, and her right hand was curled into a tight fist.

The fist went slamming into the wall of ice, shattering it.. The shards of ice that rolled down into the tunnel echoed off the wall and into the forest.

Kaname clapped her hands in a motion of brilliance. ?Nothing a Uzuki can?t handle.

?Good for you.?

?Now [I]move[/I].?

The two boys pushed Kaname out of the way as they moved into the cave. Shinji walked past her as well. But before he could enter, she grabbed him by the collar of his neck and pulled him back. ?Ladies first!? She sent him to the ground and proceeded to enter the cave.

?Bitch?? Shinji muttered. He rose up. When he did, he heard somebody falling down, and cries of anguish. He was quick to run into the cave?

And found that it was indeed pitch black.

?Get off of me!? It was Kaname.

?I?m not [I]on[/I] you, madam.?

?Shut up Hebi!?

?Quiet,? said Izumi in his typical cold tone.

Shinji slapped his forehead in annoyance. Knowing he would have to do it sooner than later, he lit his right hand in kounen, lighting the dark cave. Indeed, what Orochi said was true ? he was not on Kaname. In fact, it was the other way around.

Seeing the embarrassing situation for what it was, she was quick to get off of him. Orochi rose up slowly, swiping dirt and pebbles off. He looked at Shinji?s kounen.

?Now, that [I]is[/I] interesting.?

?I specialize in Fyuujin-Ru.?

?That explains it.?

?[I]Great[/I]! Not only is he an idiot, but he?s an idiot that can become the human bomb at any minute.?

?I can control it.?

?Enough.? Izumi?s command was all that was needed to end the argument. ?We need to move. His slumber took too much precious time.?

Orochi sighed. ?Let?s go everyone. Balking at Shinji?s new found ability won?t help us get to sensei on time.?

The party began their march; the march through the dripping walls, their journey into the misty cavern halls, and their search for the other end. Shinji led the way, his bright fire lighting the path. Orochi came in second, to separate the two. Kaname was the third in place, and Izumi trailed behind, observing his three teammates with the gaze of an owl.

The frequency the walls closed on the group was as unpredictable as when they would find a large opening. The flow of water and the beating of waterfall echoed off of the wet walls.

Walls were common, but so were ledges that were within climbing distance. Shinji was the first to go, since if he would fall, the others would catch him, and thus preserve their human torch. The rest would be quick to follow.

?You?d best be careful,? Orochi advised Shinji after he had nearly fallen. Luckily, Orochi was beneath him, and outreaching his hand, managed to catch Shinji by his hand. Shinji was quick to climb back onto the wall. ?If you break your neck, we?re all good as dead.?

?I?ll be fine.?

?Not with that attitude. We [I]are[/I] a team, although half of us don?t act like it.? Orochi kept a thing smile on his face, and Shinji despised him all the more for it.

?I don?t need your help?.

?Our loss then.?

For the most part, their journey after that was mostly uneventful. The cavern ceiling did not collapse on top of them, although Kaname feared that they would. The cavern path twisted and turned, and Kaname would ask Shinji if he was leading them in the right direction, and Orochi would answer in his place that there was only [I]one[/I] path to follow. Not once was there a fork in the road.

But then, they encountered something that was not in their good fortune: a blocked passage. A slab of rock was the culprit, bisecting them from the other side.

?Shinji! You got us lost!?

?I didn?t do anything! I just followed the path.?

?He?s telling the truth, madam. Like I said ??

?Enough with your bullshit, you damn Hebi!?

Shinji pulled down on his collar, giving him some extra room to breath. Kaname and Orochi quickly found themselves in a large fight; Shinji found it wise to back away from the quarrel.

The argument went back and forth; Kaname would yell back, and Orochi would retort a comment in his calm and peaceful voice, always ending it with ?madam? when he could, which would only anger Kaname even more, much to Orochi?s amusement. Izumi stayed out of their quarrel; he could care less of their opinions of each other.

?[I]All they do is fight!?[/I] Shinji said to himself. [I]?They fight over me, over where to go, how to go about it; if its in front of them, they?ll fight over it! I?d bet that if there was just a crumb of a dumpling left, and one of them wanted it, the other would fight tooth and claw to get it, just for the sake of arguing! They?re just like brother and sister??[/I]
[I] [/I]
In his self examination, Shinji was slowly taking steps backwards, his fingers balancing his chin. As he was walking backwards, the weight of Shinkasai made him unsteady, and he fell?right into the slab of rock.

Shinji didn?t know how, wherever it was by the weight of his enormous wasuka or that it was just weak altogether, but the slab of rock fell apart. The path was opened!

Everyone turned to face Shinji and the opened path. Kaname had a look of utter surprise on her face, Izumi didn?t seem like he cared at all, whereas Orochi had a look of congratulations.

?Now that?s using your head. How did you know it was so weak??

?Well, uh,? Shinji?s mind wandered, looking for an explanation. He didn?t find a good one. ?It was better than nothing.?

?Or tripping backwards,? Izumi said.

?Who cares? We have a path now! Let?s go!?

No one wanted to complain with Kaname. Getting back to his feet, Shinji raised his kounen enflamed arm, and led the party.

As they continued their journey through the cavern, Shinji noticed that the passageway was getting tighter and smaller with every turn. It was reaching the point where the hilt of his blade was screeching across the wall, creating a noise that was more than just annoying. He couldn?t even lift his arm all the way up like he would before; it was bent now, or else he?d start to hit the ceiling.

There was one passageway that so narrow that Shinji could not continue with Shinkasai.

?What now?,? Kaname asked.

?I can?t leave it behind.?

Izumi came up with the solution: ?You go through first. We?ll follow, passing your wasuka between us. We?ll have to rotate it so that it will fit, but it should be fine.?

They did as Izumi instructed. Shinji went all the way to the end, his kounen lighting the tight passageway. Kaname followed, then Orochi, with Izumi the last to enter. Izumi passed Shinkasai to Orochi; Orochi walked a good portion through with the heavy blade, him having to twist it and jiggle it through many tight spots before he passed it to Kaname. If it wouldn?t squeeze through, Kaname would force it through, the heavy blade biting through rock and stone. She didn?t have the patience to nudge it through the tight spots.

Shinji frowned when he saw the way Kaname handled his wasuka. ?What?s that for??

?Nothing.?

?Whatever.?

They continued, back in formation. Soon, they had found themselves in a place they thought would be spun in old epics: it was a lost ruin city. The roofs seemed to reach for the heavens, or as close as an underground city could. Giant statues of stone led the way, their raised arms creating arches. Old symbols decorated the polished stone walls. Everything down here was made of stone; nothing had the breath of life. It was cold, dark, and absolutely breathe taking.

Orochi?s pale hand slid across the toe of a Buddha statue. ?Amazing.?

?I wonder why sensei wants us down here??

?It?s just a path,? Izumi answered, but Kaname wasn?t satisfied.

?Its one thing to bring us to places where traps are. But what?s the reason to bring us to an old city like this??

It was Shinji who answered. ?So we see our ancestors; those that have come before us. Before we had Feudal Lords, men with divine rights to lead us, there were the God-Kings, the true gods, who ruled man. This is one of their great cities.?

Izumi sighed. ?It?s only a path. Let?s move. We can admire history at a later date; preferably when our careers aren?t on the line.?

Orochi walked past Shinji, but not before patting him on the shoulder. ?Let?s move, Shinji.? Shinji shook out the shivers that ran up his spine.

They didn?t walk in formation this time. There was no need; there was so much space, the caverns didn?t constrain them. It felt good not to have someone breathing down on your neck. It was a nice place to stretch their legs.

Even though its residents were long dead, the city still had a sense of being alive. Many flags that were hung on the structures were in one piece. Fountains has water running into them, and Orochi even drank some to his satisfaction. Benches and chairs were not shattered, although not exactly the most comfortable pieces of furniture Shinji and Kaname had ever sat on.

Izumi wasn?t pleased by how much his team mates were slacking, but the others gave him no heed. They had no way to track the time underground, but they were pretty sure they?ve been out on this test for a day and then some. They in need a break was an understatement.

?We can rest above ground.? No one was willing to wait that long.

They found what looked like an inn. It was two stories tall; it was built to keep the cold cavern air outside. There was no fireplace, and Orochi questioned how that was possible. Kaname didn?t care; it was warm, and that?s all that counted. Izumi remained silent out of anger, and Shinji stayed out of it because he was too exhausted to care.

They each found their own beds. Most of the beds have broken apart, a major contrast from the other furniture. The few that were in one piece, however, were surprisingly comfortable. They quickly fell asleep; even Izumi allowed his dreams to take control of him.

[Idyllwyld]

Overall alright, just a few things.

Summarizing exchanges of dialogue in paragraphs is tempting, I sometimes do it too. It's easier, and shorter, but in truth writing out at least some of the arguers' words looks better and develops more character. You can judge people by their words. Expressing emotions and attitudes through actions and words is more interesting than just saying 'He was annoyed.'

And as always, proofread. There are some more tense inconsistancies,

[quote]They each found their own beds. Most of the beds have broken apart[/quote]

and some odd/incomplete phrases.

[quote]They in need a break was an understatement.[/quote]

Anyways, keep up your roll!

[Silent_sword909]

Good job! I like how the chapter was based on the team "trying out" teamwork. You made a few spelling/grammar errors, but overall I loved it! Keep 'em comin. :D

[Sandy]

I did it, Matt. I read the whole thing.

Now I just have trouble choosing where to start reviewing...

[B]The Story[/B]

Okay, let's start from this. I don't know what "Kenzoku" refers to, you haven't explained it anywhere thus far, but you've managed to create an imaginative world with interesting characters. However, the over 70 pages I read feels like they are just the very beginning, which they no doubt are, but I'm left wondering, when does the actual [I]story[/I] begin?

I can't see any major story arc being started yet, you've just introducing us to the main characters still. I know you love to be thorough, but you should leave some of the character development until [I]after[/I] the story has actually begun.

Reading pages after pages about their trial in some forest isn't actually very interesting. The relationships between the characters are intriguing, but so far there's been little else than that. You should get to the chase soon.

Also, I'm more than a little concerned with these "inspirations" you're getting from various anime. I might not see them all, but if you really are going to make this as a series of books, you have to start relying on your own head for inspiration. After all, you didn't want to end up like Christopher Paolini, did you? Just saying "it's not a rip-off" won't convince people that it really isn't. You should start by changing the names of the seven countries something not taken almost directly from Naruto, and move forward from that.

[B]The Characters:[/B]

The characters are interesting, and there sure are tensions between them. I like the fact that none of them follow the "likable hero archetype", and I'd be interested to see you treat all four of them as equal main characters. So far Shinji's getting all that "good-for-nothing slob who'll eventually saves the day"-vibe.

I also find Kaname a troublesome character, since in the beginning you describe her as a tomboy who drinks and cusses, yet later on she behaves like a spoiled princess, all vain and worrying over her hair. It's like she's two characters melted into one.

Orochi is probably my favorite character, he's a victim of racism and has a mysterious past. Just avoid making him too much of a goodie-two-shoes.

The opposite goes for Izumi (a Japanese girl's name, btw). He's too much of a villainy character, too grim and too intimidating for what he should be. It's not believable that the leader of the Academy would let him graduate knowing him as a violent psycho, just to give him a chance. Yet so far, he's been acting quite normal in his team.

So your descriptions in the first few chapters contradict the characters' actions in subsequent chapters. You should probably work on that...

[B]The Writing:[/B]

Much of what this title includes has already been said elsewhere in this thread, and you'll do good to listen to those advice.

With writing, it's most important to revise, then revise again, and after that revise some more. Now your text has too many typoes, missing words and repetitive sentences. There are some grammatical issues as well (it's "could have" instead of "could of", for example), and you have a manner of using some words over and over again (such as "bisect"). Like others have said before me, you also have to pay attention to the usage of past and present tenses. A good rule is that you should only use present tense in spoken lines.

One more thing... It might be just my preference, but I don't find novels to be a good medium for overly long fighting scenes. Chapter Four was quite honestly somewhat boring to read, even though it had the most action. You really don't have to describe every slash of the sword, every stumble upon a root and every charge at the enemy - it only gets repetitive after so many paragraphs.

---

Now, I hope you do as you promised and take everything I said here as a genuine offer of help and advice, not as an insult or as an absolute truth either. I'm no expert when it comes to writing a book, I've never done it, so I can only say what I personally would and wouldn't do with your story.

But like I said, it's an interesting story, and I'm sure you know where it's headed, but you have to bring that direction to the reader's attention sooner or later as well. Preferably sooner, of course. ;D

Get on with that writing, mate!

[B]EDIT:[/B] Fixed a few typoes and changed Nanaki to Kaname, who I meant all along.

[Doublehex]

Sandy, even though your a gay man (so don't take this the wrong way ;)), I LOVE you for working through those seventy pages! You get a big old hug fro me, especially since my own Mom won't even read this just because I refuse to waste ink and paper by printing this stuff out.

Now, you ask what Kenzoku means. Well, its actually the name for the SERIES - I am just calling it the book that until I can think of a name for the book. All the titles so far were wicked long, and that's not good.

As for Kenzoku, it means [I]family[/I], and that is exactly what the whole series is about - that family of these newly graduated shinobis. When you spend every day fighting and bleeding for each other, you are sure to create an unbreakable trust. You become a family, something most of them (Shinji and Izumi) had never really experienced.

Anyways, off to my comments!

[QUOTE]Also, I'm more than a little concerned with these "inspirations" you're getting from various anime. I might not see them all, but if you really are going to make this as a series of books, you have to start relying on your own head for inspiration. After all, you didn't want to end up like Christopher Paolini, did you? Just saying "it's not a rip-off" won't convince people that it really isn't. You should start by changing the names of the seven countries something not taken almost directly from Naruto, and move forward from that.[/QUOTE]

Well, I think that I have kept my inspirartions to just that for several reasons.

One; it was not uncommon to have COUNTRY "NAME OF ELEMENT" in Asian fantasy like this. Not only Naruto, but AVATAR has done this as well, and I have little doubt that other stories have done the same thing. So, I'm not exactly sure its ripping it off, when others have done the same thing. Of course, that is one person's opinion, and if yours is the majority (or my editor's, if I ever get one >.>) then I will obviously change it.

But I spent a lot of time on the country's names, for the very reason you described. I got out a piece of scrap paper, put down general elements (fire, rock, water, animal, stuff like that), and began to write away. The ones you have seen were the ones that I had chosen.

I am, however, worried that I did more than become inspired from Naruto by the characters, mostly Izumi. I do my best to make him different from Garra, but my mind still registers him as a Garra rip off! I can't help but feel that maybe it would be for the best if I would just cut him off from the story all together. However, I don't want to, because people tend to enjoy him the most! I am quite perplexed on what to do.

[QUOTE]I'd be interesting to see you treat all four of them as equal main characters.[/QUOTE]

That was my EXACT intent - to create an entourage. I was inspired greatly by Final Fantasy VI and Xenosaga. They balanced all of the characters perfectly (even when FF6 has a dozen characters!) so that you knew them, and cared for them all, equally. It was a wonderful thing, and I wanted to copy that in the Kenzoku series.

[QUOTE]I also find Nanaki a troublesome character, since in the beginning you describe her as a tomboy who drinks and cusses, yet later on she behaves like a spoiled princess, all vain and worrying over her hair. It's like she's two characters melted into one.[/QUOTE]

Isn't that Kaname? O.o

[QUOTE]Orochi is probably my favorite character, he's a victim of racism and has a mysterious past. Just avoid making him too much of a goodie-two-shoes.[/QUOTE]

I already have plans to redeem that - a confrontation in the middle of the story with Kaname that will show more of his cruel side.

[QUOTE]The opposite goes for Izumi (a Japanese girl's name, btw). He's too much of a villainy character, too grim and too intimidating for what he should be. It's not believable that the leader of the Academy would let him graduate knowing him as a violent psycho, just to give him a chance. Yet so far, he's been acting quite normal in his team.[/QUOTE]

And I know the perfect way to change that - not by adding to him, but by changing stuff in the Prologue. Away with him being an Insane character! Rather, have him be somebody who was loathed because of his difference, the birth of his dark personality, and thus the rumors of insanity are born!

[QUOTE]The Writing[/QUOTE]

What I give you guys is the rough draft - as in, I do not edit anything. I'll do that once I have complete 3/4 of the book. Right now, I am focusing on the story. I will work on the technical stuff afterwards.

Sandy, thanks for your criticism!