Writing Knights of Yore: Conduit of Amnesia [M-LS, heavy violence]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR=DimGray]Okay my last story [COLOR=Blue]didn't[/COLOR] work out so here's another one. I used my word processor. So it might be an easy read. I'm getting better at grammar. And y time on the boards will be longer, if I keep at it. Anyways enjoy.[/COLOR]
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[COLOR=Blue][CENTER][B][FONT=Engravers MT] Knights [COLOR=DimGray]of[/COLOR] [COLOR=Blue]Yore[/COLOR]: [COLOR=DimGray]The [/COLOR] [COLOR=Blue]Conduit[/COLOR] [COLOR=DimGray]of[/COLOR] [COLOR=Blue]Amnesia[/COLOR][/FONT][/B][/CENTER][/COLOR]
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[B][COLOR=Blue][FONT=copperplate gothic light]No body remembers the day they appeared. Hell, nobody knows why they were here. Yet they were. The people knew who they were, but something caused them to forget. It was a vessel, of dead memories. A conduit of amnesia.[/FONT][/CENTER][/COLOR][/B]
[COLOR=DimGray][FONT=Arial ]Galbor awoke on a bright Sunday morning. As he peered out the window he could see the birds fly away into the distance. The sun caressed the horizon with the blazing passion to rip the skies asunder. The trees swayed as the wind blew softly. Touching the houses with a slight chill on what was a warm July morning. Galbor, embraced by the day?s beauty decided to stay inside that day. His mother was sick, and his father was helping the knights as they went on a crusade to the nearest kingdom.

Galbor got dressed in his normal attire. He sighed slightly as he sat on his bed for a moment. ?Will mother be alright?? he asked himself. Laying back he felt something soft touch his head. His kitten Sapphire had touched him with her paw. Galbor picked her up and started to pet her slowly. ?Well at least I have you.? He smiled at his cat.

During that time alone with his cat, miles above him a small meteorite was falling fast. Through the skies it caused a small fire to shoot against the currents. It started to fall so fast the impact could kill the town. Falling, falling, and falling like a frail flower seed being planted. The townsfolk ran away screaming. And soon the meteorite had impacted with the ground. The earth shook as housed blew apart. Suddenly 3 men emerged from the meteorite. They wore silver armor and had swords.[/font][/COLOR]

[COLOR=Blue][CENTER][B][FONT=copperplate gothic light]Who are these men you ask. You?ll find out soon enough.[/FONT][/B][/CENTER][/COLOR]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]Not bad, but it could use some work. First of all, i do like your opening description of the day. What you do need to do a little more, though, is to make it feel more in it's time frame. You don't tell us when or where this story is, and until the line about his father being on a crusade, I had been picturing this in modern times. Always remember to figure out what the reader is seeing as opposed to what you are.

Secondly, you say that Galbor dressed in his normal attire, but we have no idea what his normal attire is.

the line "During that time alone with his cat, miles above him a small meteorite was falling fast" sounds a bit awkward. Try "While he enjoyed his time alone with his cat, he was oblivious to a metor falling miles above" or something.

Also, if this character is now dead, as it seems to be te case, then this is a totally cheesy beginning to the story, lol.

My last complaint is that the 3 men "suddenly" appeared from the meteor. When things happen 'suddenly' it entirely destroyed the audience's depiction of what's going on.

Good luck with your tale![/COLOR]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR=Blue]Sorry about the clothing. It will say what he is wearing now in chapter 1.[/COLOR]

[B][COLOR=Red]Here's a little warning for the story. It breaks the fourth wall. Which means it will refere to the real world. (Talking about the readers, complaining of pay, etc, etc.)[/COLOR][/B]

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[FONT=Copperplate Gothic Light][CENTER][B][COLOR=Blue]Chapter 1:[/COLOR] [COLOR=DimGray]Who are these idiots?[/COLOR][/B][/CENTER]


[COLOR=DimGray]As the knights emerged from the meteor, they took off their helmets. ?Finally, some fresh air.? One of them chanted with joy. ?Sure is, Tyron. But still, it?s not that beautiful, I mean it?s just rubble.? The last knight peered at the second. ?Well who knew an impact from a meteor doesn?t cause geological damage. Kelgoray I think you should think more.? Tyron sighed. ?Okay you two stop fighting.? The second knight demanded. ?Okay then, Reidar.?

Golbor picked up a piece of house from on top of him. As he looked around he saw that the houses were torn apart like paper, and the ground was simmered from the heat of the impact. His red and blue jeans were torn. And his black pants were cut at the legs. ?Wow lots of damage. But what?s up with this? My house is still standing. Then how did I get out here? Probably fell from the window.?
Galbor walked to the center of the town to find the three knights punching and kicking each other.

?You dumbass! Maybe she wouldn?t have dumped you if you hadn?t kissed that girl!? Yelled Kelgoray, ?How?d we end up talking about this, you retards?? Tyron chanted. ?Well it was your girlfriend who kissed me!? Reidar hollered.
?Jackasses! Calm down!? Tyron yelled as loud as he could.

?All of you shut up!? Golber said furiously.
The three men stopped and went single file.

Wow, they?ll do anything I?ll say! Golber thought. ?Now men go on all fours!? The men did. ?Jump up and down!? The men did that too. ?Spank your butts towards the computer screen!? The men did that too. Golber stroked his chin. ?Well this could be interesting.? Golber smiled mischievously.

[CENTER][U][B][I]END OF CHAPTER 1[/I][/B][/U][/CENTER][/FONT][/COLOR]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]Wow. Well, your story began seeming like it was going to be meaningful and deep, so this sudden comedic approach feels a bit strange. I think the main problem you're having with this story is that things happen to quickly.

My first question is -- what's up with Golbor? He seems unphased by this meteor hitting and destroying all these houses. He instinctually just strolls up to town square? He doesn't even check on his sick mother who moments ago he was so worried about? And then when he sees 3 crazy nights before a meteor, he yells at them?! It all seems very... off-key.

[I]"You dumbass! Maybe she wouldn?t have dumped you if you hadn?t kissed that girl!? Yelled Kelgoray, ?How?d we end up talking about this, you retards?? Tyron chanted. ?Well it was your girlfriend who kissed me!? Reidar hollered.
?Jackasses! Calm down!? Tyron yelled as loud as he could.[/I]

My trouble with this paragraph is sentence stucture. "something something" yelled someone. "something" someone chanted. "SOMETHING!" someone shouted! It's the same thing over and over.

[I]?All of you shut up!? Golber said furiously[/I]

An exclamation point and furiosity aren't qualities of 'said' (on that note, 'chanted' doesn't work in the above paragraph either.)

I'd also like to know how Golber instantly knows they'll do anything he says. Maybe if he'd said

"Who are you?!"

And they instantly replied or something, it might work better.

And for one final nitpick, you used 'torn' to desribe 2 things in a row in paragraph 2. Go for 'ripped asunder' or some such phrase.

Well, happy editing![/COLOR]

[Aberinkula]

Okay then, maybe chapter 2 will be better. Questions will be answered.

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[B][CENTER][FONT=copperplate gothic light][COLOR=Blue]Chapter 2:[/COLOR] [COLOR=DimGray]So what's going on?[/COLOR][/CENTER][/B]

[COLOR=DimGray]Golber Stopped talking and looked around him. ?Wow, how the hell did this happen?!? he yelled suddenly. Tyron walked towards him and kneeled down. ?My lord, it?s great to meet you.? Tyron said as if praising Golber.

?Lord? What the heck are you talking about? And if you?re calling me lord then, well, I don?t really know.? Golber was confused, not very traumatized by the meteor, but more from these three buffoons. ?So that?s why you did what I said??
?Why of course.? Kelgoray interrupted. ?We?ve been searching for you a very long time. It feels as if we?ve been looking for decades.? Golber raised his brow. ?Well gosh, how long?? Tyron pushed Kelgoray back. ?Why what seems as decades, it has torn us apart looking for you. Rocks, houses, towns. Our search of 2 hours sent us everywhere.?
?Two hours? That?s not long.?
?Well where come from that?s equivalent of ten earth, months.?

Golber paced around still confused. ?Oh, shiatsu! My mummy! Be right back. And ummm, master, lord?commands you to stay, sit, roll-over, something!!? As fast as lightning, Golber rushed to the aid of his mother. Luckily the house was still together. Yet that still went unexplained.

He ran upstairs to his parent?s room. His mother was suffering from pneumonia. He opened the door slowly and crept inside. His mother looked healthy. Why I fact, she was cured completely. It seemed as if, beyond the carnage, the meteor cured her. But Golber shouldn?t burst to conclusions. He ran downstairs and went back to the knights. They were playing cards.

?Got any three?s?? Tyron asked Reidar. ?No, go fish.? Reidar replied.
?Oh, you think it?s funny huh? Well you know what? Screw you and this game. You always cheat!? Kelgoray patted Golber?s back. ?Don?t worry about these two. They always fight while playing cards, As if living with my brothers isn?t enough.? Golber shook his head. ?Hey umm, Kelgoray? my mm is sick, but she is cured completely. Did that meteor do it?? Kelgoray sat down. ?Everybody who is sick during the meteor impact is cured of what ails the, But ironically the town?s buildings get blown to pieces. ?

?And why is my house still in tact??
?Well you?re the chosen one. So are we. Actually we?re brothers. All three of us. We are all 13.?
?Oh. Why are you so taller then??
?Oh that, well gravity does stretch us out. It lasts awhile.?

Golber had many more questions indeed. But he saved them for later. ?Okay well can you fix the town?? Golber asked as if they could do something. ?Well actually with a couple pints of magic powder and some repairing spells we can, no we can?t fix it. But hey, at least you still have you mom.? Kelgoray smiled and looked to his left. ?Oh yeah, as for that kitten, the meteor sort of made her dizzy.? Golber frowned. ?That?s my cat!?

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[COLOR=Blue][B]Story Thus Far:[/B][/COLOR]

13 year old Golber was having a normal day until a meteor destroyed his hometown. He went to check out the rubble only to meet 3 knights. They called him lord. Golber?s mother was miraculously cured from pneumonia. After witnessing the three knights, Tyron, Kelgoray, and Reidar get into a battle he was told part of his past. Yet how can he be related to the knights? And what are they there to do?

[B][CENTER][FONT=copperplate gothic light][COLOR=Blue]Chapter 3:[/COLOR] [COLOR=DimGray]Past, Present, Future[/COLOR][/CENTER][/B]

[COLOR=DimGray]Golber sat down next to his cat and picked him up. ?Oh! Sapphire Skittles Magee!? He shouted in agony. Kelgoray?s eyes were staring at Golber. ?You named your cat, Sapphire Skittles Magee?? he asked. ?Well my first idea was Cocky Big Peanuts, but mom said no. Anyways tell me. Why?s my house still standing??
?For one thing your body?s energy created a shield. Because you?re not from here you had a special power.?
?Why am I here anyways??
Kelgoray stroked his hair. ?Well when we were just 2 our mother had dropped you from the ship we were on. She was drunk and was staggering to close to the edge of the meteor we were on.?
Golber was stunned. ?Drunk? Well, beggars can?t be choosers.?
?But Golber don?t you see? His is a good thing. If you hadn?t dropped here we wouldn?t be able to come here. So if we were all at home we wouldn?t be able to save earth.?

?Save earth?? Golber was again stunned. ?Why, what?s going on here??
Tyron leaped into conversation. ?It?s true. And we too are the ones. We are going to help you on your new quest bro!? Reidar hugged Golber. ?It?s true man.?
Golber punched the three to the ground.? A new quest! I?ve never been on a quest. And lastly, I don?t know how to fight?? Tyron chuckled. HA-ha! Well here?s the thing. Our race of humans, are born with the know-how to fight. So you?re in luck.? Golber shook his head. ?That?s cool. But what are the details?? Tyron stopped laughing. ?Details. Well ummm. There?s evil in it. And peril. Don?t forget new love.? Golber turned towards the others. ?You have no idea, do you guys??
?No we don?t.? Kelgoray admitted.

Golber sighed. ?Well if we don?t know we can?t go on an adventure. Plus I don?t have a weapon like you three do.?
?That may be true, Golber. But we have found an energy source. There lays a legendry sword foretold of in lore. The Conduit Blade, Berserk Talon. A sword capable of cutting the skies to pieces.?
?Okay I need to sneak out of town. My mother wouldn?t let me go with three guys who claim to be my brother.?
?Yeah, you might want to tell her you?re going out with friends.?
Golber shook his head. ?Okay. I?ll be back.?

Golber ran back to his house.
?Damn it Tyron. We should have told him that we coming here made everybody get amnesia.?
?Well, Kelgoray! It still won?t matter.? As Golber returned with some new clothes on he spoke up. ?She said ?who are you?? and threw me out.? Tyron smiled. ?About that. Nobody has there memories anymore. When we landed the evil being on earth wiped everyone?s memories clear. Only those you are really intertwined with know about you.? Golber fell to the ground. ?Oh that?s great. The only friend?s I know are in the next town. We go to school together though. One?s a girl named Reina, and the other one is male. His name is Angelo.? Tyron grabbed his brother?s hand. ?Well best get going.?

With no time to lose the party advanced to the next town, Xenozine.

As they entered the town two teenagers were sitting around a well. ?Hey, Angelo, Reina! It?s me, Golber!? Golber yelled with joy. The two teenagers advanced towards Golber. ?Hey man!? Angelo shouted. Reina smiled and hugged Golber. She started to talk. ?The town?s people have lost their memories. But we haven?t. Do you know what?s going on Golber?? Reina asked confused.

After a while of explaining, the six headed for the gates of town. ?So, you want us to go with you four, correct?? Angelo asked. ?Yes. But first we should stay here overnight. Stock up later then head out.? Golber?s voice sounded a little unsure of what he was doing. He yawned and looked up. ?I don?t know what will happen. In fact I don?t know what?s going on still. But we have to go with the flow or a while.? The other five nodded and went towards the inn.


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