Writing Veridan III: 4157 - third segment [M-V]

[Allamorph]

[FONt=Arial]So, I'm finally up and running mentally again, and, as I promised [COLOR=DarkRed]kalon[/COLOR], here is another bit involving my weirdo. (You know, if it wasn't for events and friends and procrastination and random necessary stuff, and life in general, I'd actually be able to get some stuff done.[/FONT] [FONT=Tahoma]_^_[/FONT] [FONT=Arial])

And since I seem to be fond of introductory notes, let me say that there will definitely be some material between where I left off in Movement Two and Movement Three below.

"Farther up and farther in!"

[center]-------------------------------------------------------[/center]






[center][size=3][B]III. [U][I]Tranquillo, solo interruzioni sporadicamente.[/I][/U][/B][/size][/center]


What Jason enjoyed most about his military career was the personal freedom. BT had been strenuous, but what had made it chafe to the point of being unbearable was that there had been no pauses or breaks, aside from the all-too-few hours spent in the mess hall and the bunkhouse. Every day the recruits had gone through the same back-breaking physical routine morning, noon, and night, with the few hours between devoted to intensive combat-related training. After a few years spent as an enlisted man, with the higher-ups watching his every move, Jason?s application to the South Guard Military Academy had finally been accepted ? by this point Jason had grown mildly accustomed to being under constant surveillance ? given the circumstances of his citizenship, which had been granted somewhat dubiously, he understood the government?s unease, but it still rankled him a little. The next two years had been spent in more comprehensive, but no less exhaustive, training. There had been command simulations run every day, it seemed, and every class he took required hours of outside work, leaving aside almost nothing. True, none of the assignments had been that difficult for him, excepting maybe Battlefield Statistics, which was just weird, but the courses were still time consuming. But things were different now.

After graduation (second in his class), Jason had been assigned to the Cirran Orbital Military Platform as a squadron leader for the fighters of the Andromeda Third Fleet under Brigadier General Ritya Loren, and it was here that he discovered two things about the military that made the whole six years worthwhile. He had a duty shift, which ended. Every day, at 1630 hours Universal Military Space Time, 1st Lieutenant Jason Sterling went off duty. Never mind that he had to start another shift again at 0730 hours the next morning, and never mind that he?d spend six hours sleeping, he still had nine whole hours to himself, to do whatever he wanted. Whatever. No more endless studying, no more days scheduled to a ?T?, he could do what he felt like doing when he felt like doing it. That was the first thing.

The second thing just made the first even better. He was not confined to the station. Apparently the government had decided that six years was enough time to prove whatever it was that he had needed to prove and he no longer needed to be babysat everywhere he went. The sudden lack of surveillance on his person caused Jason to realize exactly how much he had hated it, regardless of whether or not he understood the reasons behind it. And he still spent most of his free tim on the station anyway. COMP had an excellent gym and training facility, which included three state-of-the-art virtual simulation rooms along with the regular simulators, a dojo for the martially inclined (Jason among them), and a very nice coffee lounge. So he?d work out some, he?d take part in the inter-wing skirmishes and the weekly one-on-one squad leader dogfights, or he?d just hang out with his squadron, but he spent as much time as he could planetside.

Cirra was a gorgeous planet to live on. Called by many the Blue Planet of Andromeda, it?s land-to-water ratio was identical to Earth?s; it had a little less ocean than the home planet, but more and deeper freshwater bodies, and the large, intelligent Cirran dolphins were one of its many natural attractions. There was even a Lake Placid in the North Atlantean continent that spanned several miles, fortunately devoid of the twentieth-century horror creatures. Its waters were crystal clear ? you could see down thirty feet like it was the length of your forearm ? a couple of scuba-diving operations had set up shop there shortly after the discovery of its subterranean caverns, and there was always someone out hydrosailing.

The waters weren?t Cirra?s only attractive feature. Its forests provided the opportunity for wonderful backpacking expeditions; Jason?s personal favorites were the trails in Mistfloor Forest, unimaginatively but alluringly named for the perpetual layer of fog that covered the forest floor. Jason found the mist and the permanent dim light of the forest to be rather soothing ? his pals found it creepy, especially given the eerie sound of the native Redwing Owl?s call, and so Jason wandered the forest alone whenever he came. The Mistfloor Rangers did not like this, but after repeated excursions that Jason unfailingly returned from, they grudgingly accepted his solo hikes.

Mistfloor covered a section of the Black Mountains, which ran southeast across the Narnian continent (Jason didn?t understand the reason for [I]that[/I] name until he read the Chronicles that had inspired it). The Black Mountains had been mined considerably for coal, which was processed in diamond refineries for medical and technological equipment. The stranglehold on the diamond industry had been broken centuries ago after vast coal deposits had been discovered on dozens of uninhabitable planets, and diamond had quickly replaced glass as a common commodity because of its cheapness and superior strength. However, coal miners in the Black Mountains had inadvertently broken into a deep, extensive system of caverns composed almost entirely of jet, and solid and red-, blue-, and white-streaked obsidian, and so the name stuck. The caverns became an instant tourist attraction, with the Black Glass Waterfall as the highlight of the tour.

Naturally, around a third of the planet?s land mass was occupied by cities. There were a few suburban conglomerations inland which had sprung up around various industrial centers, but most of the cities, because of and to facilitate planet-wide commerce, had developed along Cirra?s many coasts. In addition, Cirra had a couple of expensive resorts of floating sea platforms, and more on the seafloor; no one wanted to live surrounded by water for extended periods of time (it was too boring), but they made excellent escape havens.

The city fascinated Jason. Anytime he was planetside he?d pick a different one to visit ? he felt he could walk their streets for hours, and often did, passing through the residential districts and marveling at the unique constructions; roaming the downtown shopping centers and side-streets, where some of the best restaurants could be found; wandering the ?uncomfortable? sections, where people clung to each other for survival. Governments, societies, institutions, and (non-profit) organizations had been trying to eliminate the need for these showcases of depravity, but lazy people and those struck by Murphy?s Law bred unemployed people, and unemployed people bred homeless, slums, and ghettos, and on and on. There would always be those who would and could rise from their depression and/or oppression and become successful, driven icons to their communities, but most would not. It wasn?t that they were any less fortunate or less motivated ? nobody really wanted to live there, and if they could have left, they would have in a heartbeat. They were just less, less ? well, they were [I]hope-[/I]less, really. That was the one thing Jason missed seeing in every face he looked at. They had been trod on so many times that they couldn?t or wouldn?t try anymore.

But Jason couldn?t ever fully appreciate or understand their situation. His solid career saw to that. So the best he could do was walk through, talking, laughing, joining in the games ? which he was finally allowed to do on his third trip through Ridgeport ? it had been understandably hard for the locals to grant him, the outsider, their trust, but he had not given up, and it had paid off. He didn?t really know why he tried, either; he just did it.

At the moment, Jason was seated on the second-story terrace of a nice coffeehouse in downtown Dahlia, watching the pedestrian traffic, his empty mug resting on the nearby table. Through the open terrace doors he could hear a jazz combo playing some classic chart or other; he absently noted that the trombone and tenor sax had remarkably good blend with each other. His attention was on the street below, though, busy noticing things. Like the dating couple a few blocks to his left who appeared to be a little lost, or the amateur pickpocket across the street who had almost bungled a lift, or the harried businessman striding down the sidewalk who kept glancing at his watch, and who was obviously late, probably for a lunch meeting.

Jason had a habit of noticing things. His eyes were always active, and when he looked away from someone during a conversation with them, it typically wasn?t out of disinterest. He navigated a lot by sight, and he had found several hole-in-the-wall diners that his squadron would end up frequenting by just looking down the right alley.

Unfortunately, his trait had also accidentally garnered him some unexpected and unwanted attention. About four months ago Jason had been out strolling, per the norm, and had happened to glance down a particular back street to see a woman of thirty-something being ushered by two burly-looking men around the corner at the far end. This had given Jason a bad feeling in his gut, and he had instinctively followed.

Because he wasn?t an idiot, Jason had peered cautiously around the corner; he preferred not to draw attention to himself prematurely in such situations, and he had had his comm in case he had needed to use it. He hadn?t been able to hear what any of the three had said, but he had noticed the woman growing more and more distressed, and Jason had thought he had seen her start pleading. He had turned to reach for his comm when he had heard the woman shriek; snapping his head around, he had seen one of the men level a gun at the woman?s forehead. And then?

According to the woman?s testimony, she had been begging for her life when a black boot had abruptly knocked the gunman?s hand skyward. The boot had been attached to a man?s jean-covered right leg, and the stranger had spun and used the same leg to knock the gunman into the wall. The gunman?s associate had thrown a vicious hook at the stranger, but he had blocked it and had responded by planting his palm solidly in the center of the man?s chest. The thug had immediately crumpled to the ground.

The gunman, who had now recovered and stood up, had tried to shoot the interrupting assailant, but the stranger had sidestepped, grabbed his wrist, struck him sharply in the elbow twice, and had then rained blows upon the unfortunate brute, finally pinning him to the wall by the throat. The stranger had frozen there, with his right arm cocked and aimed at the gunman?s face.

That last statement was what Jason had remembered, anyway: standing in front of a brick wall, holding the terrified gunman by the neck, poised to strike. A glance to the side had shown him the body of the second man, eyes glassed over and blood oozing from his mouth ? Jason had almost knocked the poor woman down in jumping backwards in fear and apprehension. The gunman had taken the opportunity to flee without a moment?s hesitation, leaving a startled, grateful mother and a very confused first lieutenant.

The police had arrested the gunman later based on the woman?s description, and he had been transferred to the hospital under police custody. Jason had broken his nose, wrist, four of his ribs, had shattered his elbow backwards, and had caused a good deal of internal organ damage. The other man hadn?t been so lucky; Jason's single blow had ruptured his heart, and he had died on impact.

The media had jumped on the story instantly. They had interviewed the woman and her surviving tormentor relentlessly, and Jason had barely kept his sanity intact when they had found access to him. He was too camera shy to be a ?real hero?, though, so hopeful, misguided rumors of a new vigilante had sprung up everywhere. Jason blamed the media for this; naturally they denied all accusations about it. To escape, Jason had secluded himself on board COMP (which was blessedly an Authorized Personnel Only facility) for the better part of three months ? this was his first trip planetside since. No one seemed to be reacting to his presence yet, so he hoped the ridiculous storm had blown over.

What had baffled the media and his superiors (and Jason, as it were) was that Jason couldn?t really recall what he had done. On every interview he had had to grant and on the report he had been required to file, he had always been asked to describe what had happened or what had been going through his mind, and each time he had been forced to answer ?I don?t know.? He had stuttered this lacking, inept response in each interview, and, being the one thing the media couldn?t understand, it was quite naturally the aspect they had harped on the most, much to Jason?s embarrassment. The Powers That Be hadn?t liked the answer either, and Jason had been ordered in for psychiatric evaluation, which had of course turned up nothing not already known ? his lack of memory prior to or during the Massacre of Kestrel Prime, for one.

The band had now switched to an old twentieth-century classic, ?The Girl From Ipanema?. The fact that Jazz had survived this long was simply amazing. It had had its difficulties, of course; it had been forced underground for a most of the twenty-second and twenty-third centuries, and had almost died out completely in the twenty-ninth. But it had stubbornly persisted, for which Jason was very glad. And this band was good, he decided. Maybe if he stuck around longer they?d play some Miles Davis. Any self-respecting combo always had Miles somewhere in their repertoire, even if there wasn?t a trumpet around to play.

He hadn?t been completely honest, though. He knew he had felt something right before he went fuzzy in the head. He had thought about telling someone, but since he wasn?t sure exactly what it was himself, he kept it to himself. It might have been sounds or scattered images, or emotions, but it had felt like something in the back of his mind had been doing ? had been doing [I]something[/I]. He didn?t know, though. He just wasn?t sure; all he knew was that he?d seen that first thug pull the gun on the woman. And then?

[I][indent][indent]Fear[/indent][/indent]
[right][indent][indent][indent][indent]Shock[/indent][/indent][/indent][/indent][/right]
[center][indent]Fire[/indent][/center]
[indent][indent][indent][indent]Anguish[/indent][/indent][/indent][/indent]
[right][indent][indent][indent][indent][indent]Burning[/indent][/indent][/indent][/indent][/indent][/right]
[indent][indent][indent]Rage[/indent][/indent][/indent]
[right][indent][indent]Pain[/indent][/indent][/right]
[indent][indent][indent][indent][indent]Fire[/indent][/indent][/indent][/indent][/indent]
[right][indent][indent][indent][indent][indent][indent]Death[/indent][/indent][/indent][/indent][/indent][/indent][/right][/I]


Jason suddenly realized he was gripping the arms of his chair rather fiercely. He forced himself to relax and sighed. He really needed to stop thinking about the whole ordeal. Maybe his wing commander would be up for a quick duel. He left the coffeehouse and headed for the shuttle back to COMP.[/FONT]

[kalon]

Bad before the good. Don't worry, there was a whole lot of good.

[quote name='Allamorph][FONT=Arial]After a few years spent as an enlisted man, with the higher-ups watching his every move, Jason?s application to the South Guard Military Academy had finally been accepted ? by this point Jason had grown mildly accustomed to being under constant surveillance [color=DarkOrchid]? given[/color'] the circumstances of his citizenship, which had been granted somewhat dubiously, he understood the government?s unease, but it still rankled him a little.[/quote][/FONT]
I think, starting where it's highlighted in dark orchid (random color), it needs to be a separate sentence. If you read the whole thing without the hyphens, it doesn't make sense and is a run-on.

[quote name='Allamorph][FONT=Arial']After graduation (second in his class), Jason had been assigned to the Cirran Orbital Military Platform as a squadron leader for the fighters of the Andromeda Third Fleet under Brigadier General Ritya Loren, and it was here that he discovered two things about the military that made the whole six years worthwhile.[/quote][/FONT]
Pixie knows, I have no right to comment on long sentences, but maybe if you added a comma after "Cirran Orbital Military Platform" it would pace it a little more slowly and be less to take in all at once. (Pot calling the kettle black here.)

[quote name='Allamorph][FONT=Arial']He had a duty shift, which ended.[/quote][/font]
That sentence feels abrupt to me. With the sentences that follow, I understand the meaning, but when I first read it, I was confused about the context in which the shift ended.

[quote name='Allamorph][FONT=Arial]No more endless studying, no more days scheduled to a [color=DarkOrchid']?T? //snip[/color][/quote][/font]
This is probably the most insignificant thing I could ever point out, but you don't need quotation marks around the T in this case.

[quote name='Allamorph][FONT=Arial']Apparently the government had decided that six years was enough time to prove whatever it was that he had needed to prove and he no longer needed to be babysat everywhere he went.[/FONT][/quote]
Again, pot to kettle, but maybe add a comma after "he had needed to prove."

[quote name='Allamorph][FONT=Arial]And he still spent most of his free tim[color=DarkOrchid]e[/color'] on the station anyway.[/font][/quote]
Add a letter. Because if it's really supposed to be "tim," I'll need more explanation about how tim is able to be spent. (It's just so rare to see you have a spelling mistake.)

[quote name='Allamorph][FONT=Arial]Called by many the Blue Planet of Andromeda [color=DarkOrchid]//snip[/color'][/font][/quote]
I'm not certain, but I'm inclined to think the planet's nickname should be in quotation marks, especially since it's after "Called by."

[quote name='Allamorph][FONT=Arial]However, coal miners in the Black Mountains had inadvertently broken into a deep, extensive system of caverns composed almost entirely of [color=DarkOrchid]jet[/color'], and solid and red-, blue-, and white-streaked obsidian, and so the name stuck.[/quote][/font]
Does there need to be a "black" after that "jet"?

[quote name='Allamorph][FONT=Arial]So the best he could do was walk through, talking, laughing, joining in the games ? which he was finally allowed to do on his third trip through Ridgeport [color=DarkOrchid]? it[/color'] had been understandably hard for the locals to grant him, the outsider, their trust, but he had not given up, and it had paid off.[/quote][/font]
I think where I've colored it dark orchid you need to start it as an entirely new sentence.

[quote name='Allamorph][FONT=Arial']The band had now switched to an old twentieth-century classic, ?The Girl From Ipanema?.[/quote][/font]
Tiny, tiny thing: Change "From" to "from." Unless it's the beginning word, you don't capitalize preopsitions in titles. Lovely song, though.


Now then. I loved this segment even more than the first. I enjoyed all the descriptions of Cirra, especially the Mistfloor Forest and the Black Mountains. I find myself wanting to actually go there; that's a good description. I'm also guessing whoever named the lake "Lake Placid" didn't know about the film.

I can picture everything in my mind pretty well, but the most vivid was the description of Jason in "a nice coffeehouse in downtown Dahlia." For one, I love that name. All the small details Jason notices are great and easy to picture. Plus, I can relate to just sitting and people-watching, since I do that a lot. And then the way you break into the woman's testimony, how it's jut so matter-of-fact until you get to where Jason actually remembers some of it, is excellent.

Even after the seriousness there, the media and the "vigilante" rumors made almost giggle (mainly because my mind jumped to Jason in a cowl with a butler and a Boy Wonder sidekick). It seems that even almost 2000 years later, the media still goes after the exact same subjects. It just shows that humanity, for better or worse, never really changes. It just gets more advanced ways of gossiping.

On a less random note, I'm thinking the things in the back of his mind have something to do with the three speakers at the end of the second segment, but that's just a guess.

My absolute favorite part of this was, oddly enough, the scattered words towarsd the end. To me, they feel like they're falling, scattered like debris or dust or ash. And I'm pretty certain they're about the Massacre of Kestrel Prime.

That's all for now. Until next time!

[Allamorph]

[quote name='kalon][QUOTE=Allamorph][FONT=Arial]After a few years spent as an enlisted man, with the higher-ups watching his every move, Jason?s application to the South Guard Military Academy had finally been accepted ? by this point Jason had grown mildly accustomed to being under constant surveillance [COLOR=Purple]? given[/COLOR'] the circumstances of his citizenship, which had been granted somewhat dubiously, he understood the government?s unease, but it still rankled him a little.[/FONT][/quote]

I think, starting where it's highlighted in dark orchid (random color), it needs to be a separate sentence. If you read the whole thing without the hyphens, it doesn't make sense and is a run-on.[/QUOTE]
[FONT=Arial]That's why you read hyphenated sentences [U]with[/U] the hyphens.

Snideness aside, I'm using the hyphens there as a thought-chain; each sentence can almost stand alone, but they make just a hair more sense tied together. Honestly, I'm pretty much just copy-catting Joseph Conrad's style from [I]Heart of Darkness[/I]. He taught me how to use them just like Conan Doyle taught me how to think.

If I'm wrong, though, please tell me. I like to provide reasons for my more complex irregularities, but that doesn't mean I won't change them.
[quote name='kalon']... maybe if you added a comma after "Cirran Orbital Military Platform" it would pace it a little more slowly and be less to take in all at once.[/quote]
Yeah, in retrospect it seems a bit much. However, I kind of want everything up until "Fleet" connected, so I'll see how commas will fit in. If it still feels like I'm running out of breath, I'll ... I'll do something. (^_^)
[quote name='kalon][QUOTE=Allamorph][FONT=Arial']He had a duty shift, which ended.[/FONT][/quote]

That sentence feels abrupt to me.[/QUOTE]
Exactly. I actually wanted that flat, "so, is there more?" feel to it. It's such a simple concept, and at the same time incredibly important. The original structure was this:

[I]"He had a duty shift. The shift ended."[/I]

I just didn't like it, so I altered it. Of course, there's always: [I]"His duty shift ended."[/I]

If anyone can see something else better, I'm open to suggestion.
[quote name='kalon']This is probably the most insignificant thing I could ever point out, but you don't need quotation marks around the T in this case.[/quote]
Thank you. I did wonder....
[quote name='kalon']Again, pot to kettle, but maybe add a comma after "he had needed to prove."[/quote]
Yeah, that's probably right.
[quote name='Allamorph][FONT=Arial']And he still spent most of his free tim on the station anyway.[/FONT][/quote]
Heh. Oops.

Well, in the year 3260, the Galactic Planetary Council of Andromeda passed a bill that laid down certain provisions regarding monetary units....

Yeah. I'm not even going to try. I'd have to spend way too much time watching the GPCA work, and I'm not up on my government yet. I will be....
[quote name='kalon']I'm not certain, but I'm inclined to think the planet's nickname should be in quotation marks, especially since it's after "Called by."[/quote]
Yeah. You're right.
[quote name='kalon']Does there need to be a "black" after that "jet"?[/quote]
No. From what I have been able to reference, jet is a mineral formed under more pressure than coal but less than diamond, is the source of the phrase "jet-black", and can be polished to look like black glass. But I still don't like the structure of that sentence, so I'll do something with it, too.
[quote name='kalon']I think where I've colored it dark orchid you need to start it as an entirely new sentence.[/quote]
Yeah, I think I'll agree with you on that one.
[quote name='kalon']Tiny, tiny thing: Change "From" to "from." Unless it's the beginning word, you don't capitalize preopsitions in titles. Lovely song, though.[/quote]
Actually, if this weren't jazz you'd be right. However, in jazz, capitalization is the composer's discretion; if they capitalize everything, then everything is capitalized.

Weird, I know. I just got over that fact myself last semester.

[center]-------------------------------[/center]

I had a lot of fun creating Cirra. I'm pretty sure it's going to end up being a haven for the entirety of Veridan III, since it's so well protected (the Cirran fleets are among the best in the galaxy, and the Second Fleet has Colonel Owen Marcus and the AMS Guardian).

This sentence was extermely important and uplifting to me:
[quote name='kalon']I can picture everything in my mind pretty well....[/quote]
That means the world to me. Really. I can't tell you how permanently afraid I am of not communicating images to the audience, since I have the distinct advantage of having everything already in my head and am therefore able to immediately see it.

Speaking of seeing things, I actually included Mistfloor on a whim. I was looking over the planet in my mind and suddenly had this vision of an entire forest, calm, cool, quiet, with fog swirling constantly around my legs and shadowy creatures moving off to my left and right, just out of clear visual range, and I absolutely [I]had[/I] to put it in.
[quote name='kalon']Plus, I can relate to just sitting and people-watching, since I do that a lot.[/quote]
As do I. (^_^)

It's quite relaxing, no?
[quote name='kalon']And then the way you break into the woman's testimony, how it's jut so matter-of-fact until you get to where Jason actually remembers some of it, is excellent.[/quote]
Thank you.
[quote name='kalon']Even after the seriousness there, the media and the "vigilante" rumors made almost giggle (mainly because my mind jumped to Jason in a cowl with a butler and a Boy Wonder sidekick).[/quote]
Wow. That's really funny.
[quote name='kalon']It seems that even almost 2000 years later, the media still goes after the exact same subjects. It just shows that humanity, for better or worse, never really changes. It just gets more advanced ways of gossiping.[/quote]
Who was it that said [I]"The more things change, the more they stay the same"[/I] ?

But yeah. I hate the media. More or less.
[quote name='kalon']On a less random note, I'm thinking the things in the back of his mind have something to do with the three speakers at the end of the second segment, but that's just a guess.[/quote]
[spoiler]Not directly, no. When I get around to posting the beginning to [I]4157[/I], you'll understand a little more of why. You remember that Jason has no memory, right? Well ... [/spoiler] ... the PM system will have to satisfy that.
[quote name='kalon']My absolute favorite part of this was, oddly enough, the scattered words towarsd the end. To me, they feel like they're falling, scattered like debris or dust or ash. And I'm pretty certain they're about the Massacre of Kestrel Prime.[/quote]
Yes, they are. I'm making that a little obvious with the fire references.

About the words. With the formatting here on the boards, I'm forced to accept the extra lines between the words; I had actually intended them to impart more of a intense, jerked feel. You know, the kind that makes you inhale sharply, the kind that makes your heart jump, the kind that forces you to support yourself on someting close by. Kind of like the scene in LOTR: The Fellowship of the Ring when Gandalf bends down and touches The Ring and there's that flash of Sauron's eye that made [U]everyone[/U] jump.

Fromwhat I've seen, these flashes will haunt Jason until about a third of the way through [I]Black Fire[/I], the fourth in Veridan III. And the source will almost literally tear his soul apart. His body gets a bit banged up in the process, too, but that's his own fault.

Ironic, that.

Thank you for your feedback, though that statement sounds rather cold. I'm absolutely elated that you can see what I'm writing, so I'm a good deal encouraged.

Now, back to work....[/FONT]

[kalon]

[QUOTE=Allamorph][FONT=Arial]Honestly, I'm pretty much just copy-catting Joseph Conrad's style from [I]Heart of Darkness[/I]. He taught me how to use them just like Conan Doyle taught me how to think.

If I'm wrong, though, please tell me. I like to provide reasons for my more complex irregularities, but that doesn't mean I won't change them.[/quote][/font]
First of all, I'm beating my head on my desk because I called them commas and not (em) dashes, because i always make that mistake.

Second of all, I always assumed the same rules applying to the use of commas separating unneeded phrases also applied to dashes. If you take out, for instance, an appositive set off by comas, and your sentence is a run-on, then it's not correct grammar.

Say you had the following sentence: [i]I talked to John, a British man, John spoke in a fake Russian accent.[/i] You could, if desired, set off "a British man" using hyphens, but the sentence would still be a run-on.

Joseph Conrad might have been using them for style, and really, I suppose there's no reason why you [i]can't[/i]. I just think it breaks the dash norm. (But I also copy some of my hyphen usage from Anne McCaffrey, and I'm only getting more confused about what you can and can't do with dashes as I type, and Wikipedia isn't helping. Ask your mom?)

[quote name='Allamorph][FONT=Arial']Yeah, in retrospect it seems a bit much. However, I kind of want everything up until "Fleet" connected, so I'll see how commas will fit in. If it still feels like I'm running out of breath, I'll ... I'll do something. (^_^)[/quote][/font]
Go to an oxygen bar?

[QUOTE=Allamorph][FONT=Arial]Exactly. I actually wanted that flat, "so, is there more?" feel to it. It's such a simple concept, and at the same time incredibly important. The original structure was this:

[I]"He had a duty shift. The shift ended."[/I]

I just didn't like it, so I altered it. Of course, there's always: [I]"His duty shift ended."[/I]

If anyone can see something else better, I'm open to suggestion.[/quote][/font]
In retrospect, I like it just fine, and I did figure you meant for it to be that way. I was just a tiny bit confused when I first read that sentence, which isn't that big of a deal, because I am easily befuddled.

[quote name='Allamorph][FONT=Arial']No. From what I have been able to reference, jet is a mineral formed under more pressure than coal but less than diamond, is the source of the phrase "jet-black", and can be polished to look like black glass.[/quote][/font]
I'd always wondered how jet could be a shade of black. Being the silly child I am, I always assumed it had to do with exhaust from jet engines.


[quote name='Allamorph][FONT=Arial']Actually, if this weren't jazz you'd be right. However, in jazz, capitalization is the composer's discretion; if they capitalize everything, then everything is capitalized.[/quote][/font]
Jazz is power.

[quote name='Allamorph][FONT=Arial]Speaking of seeing things, I actually included Mistfloor on a whim. I was looking over the planet in my mind and suddenly had this vision of an entire forest, calm, cool, quiet, with fog swirling constantly around my legs and shadowy creatures moving off to my left and right, just out of clear visual range, and I absolutely [I]had[/I'] to put it in.[/quote][/font]
I'm glad it got to be there, because I like the idea of it. Although now, oddly, my mind is jumping to laser tag.

[quote name='Allamorph][FONT=Arial]You know, the kind that makes you inhale sharply, the kind that makes your heart jump, the kind that forces you to support yourself on someting close by. Kind of like the scene in LOTR: The Fellowship of the Ring when Gandalf bends down and touches The Ring and there's that flash of Sauron's eye that made [U]everyone[/U'] jump.[/quote][/font]
Best simile ever.

[QUOTE=Allamorph][FONT=Arial]Thank you for your feedback, though that statement sounds rather cold. I'm absolutely elated that you can see what I'm writing, so I'm a good deal encouraged.

Now, back to work....[/FONT][/QUOTE]
As long as you work, I won't have to get out m' beatin' stick.

[Allamorph]

[QUOTE=kalon]Second of all, I always assumed the same rules applying to the use of commas separating unneeded phrases also applied to dashes. If you take out, for instance, an appositive set off by comas, and your sentence is a run-on, then it's not correct grammar.

Say you had the following sentence: [i]I talked to John, a British man, John spoke in a fake Russian accent.[/i] You could, if desired, set off "a British man" using hyphens, but the sentence would still be a run-on.

Joseph Conrad might have been using them for style, and really, I suppose there's no reason why you [i]can't[/i]. I just think it breaks the dash norm. (But I also copy some of my hyphen usage from Anne McCaffrey, and I'm only getting more confused about what you can and can't do with dashes as I type, [B]and Wikipedia isn't helping.[/B] Ask your mom?)[/QUOTE]
[FONT=Arial]Okay, I'll play decipherer for you.
[QUOTE=Wikipedia: Dashes][FONT=Arial]Em dash
The [B]em dash (?)[/B], also known as the [B]em rule[/B], indicates a [COLOR=DarkRed]sudden break in thought[/COLOR]?a parenthetical statement like this one?or an open range (such as "John Doe, 1987?"). [COLOR=DarkRed]The em dash is used in much the way a colon or set of parentheses is used: it can show an abrupt change in thought or be used where a period is too strong and a comma too weak.[/COLOR] Em dashes are sometimes used in lists or definitions, but that is a style guide issue: a colon should be used instead.[/FONT][/QUOTE]
Coloring is mine. Bold is Wikipedia's.

Anyway, the article here actually supports both of us. Dashes can be used for parenthetical statements, but they're also used, as I told [COLOR=DarkRed]Vicky[/COLOR] earlier, as a jump track. Here?I'll repost my little list for you.
[list][*]comma - pause
[*]ellipsis - long pause
[*]dash - thought pause, or a 'track jump', if you will
[*]semicolon - thought stop; 'almost a period'
[*]period - full stop[/list]
However, my format was wrong, and what I was [I]actually[/I] using was an [B]en dash[/B], which is intended to be read as [blank] [U][B]to/through/and[/B][/U] [blank], or as just a word?connector, like "pre?WWII". I shall correct that.

Oh, and before I forget:
[quote name='kalon']But I also copy some of my hyphen usage from Anne McCaffrey....[/quote]
Which is why, although it was a terribly dry and uninteresting read, I am glad I was assigned [I]Heart of Darkness[/I]. I like having multiple teachers.

Great author, by the way.
[quote name='kalon']Go to an oxygen bar?[/quote]
Ha, ha. *rolls eyes uber-dramatically*

[quote name='kalon']...because I am easily befuddled.[/quote]
Well don't do that.

[quote name='kalon']Jazz is power.[/quote]
Then we understand each other.

[quote name='kalon']Best simile ever.[/quote]
[I]Grazie.[/I]

[quote name='kalon']As long as you work, I won't have to get out m' beatin' stick.[/quote]
:animeswea
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