Writing The Hit [M-V/L/Drugs]

[Jokopoko]

[color=teal][size=1]For the record: I am not cockney!

I am from the Midlands! That is all I have to say ;).[/size][/color]

[Darren]

Well, I've kept myself out of this story until now because I really like where it's going... It's much better just to sit on the sidelines and enjoy than be the "bad news" guy. I'm not really going to focus on the gramatical errors because those are always fixable and you're story flows very well. I only have two problems:

1) You use the term, "Greedy Bastard." About four times to describe DW. It gets way too repetitive after the 2nd.

2) While he's on the phone with DW, he tells him to meet JP at the corner of Waterfront and Breedson. However, DW didn't know where he was... He didn't even know that he fought the Crusader until later. So why would DW tell him to meet him somewhere that could possibly have been halfway across the city?

All I'm saying is to cut down on the repetitiveness, (try using a different phrase to describe DW) and add more dialogue to the phone conversation with DW. (Pretty much, your character needs to expain where he is.)
Example: after DW decides to help

"Okay... Where are you?" You could hear the repulsive tone in DW's voice.

"At the Rose Garden"

"get to the corner of Waterfront and Breedson in half an hour. I'll have my buddy JP pick you up." and without saying goodbye, DW had hung up the phone.

Of course, it's not the best example, but it helps explain how DW knew to send JP to that spot; it's obviously close-by the Rose Garden.

Other than that, I love it! Keep up the good work!

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1]I'd have to agree it's not your best chapter Mike, it does suffer from some repetition and the dialogue can be a little hard to follow in parts. Still though it's a good read, and helps bolster the story a bit with some more character interaction.

On a side note, I am obviously really pleased the Crusader is not as dead as he appeared. If you're taking suggestions for future characters, we both know that Annalisse has to make an appearance somewhere, if anyone could actually kill the Crusader, it would be her.[/SIZE]

[quote name='Jokopoko][color=teal][size=1]For the record: I am not cockney![/size'][/color][/quote]

[SIZE=1]I knew something like that was coming, for some reason most people seem to write Bill as a cockney in OB fictions. [/SIZE]

[Ezekiel]

[SIZE=1]Yeah, as an English(wo)man, I'd have to agree with Will's complaint about the cockney. I would have much preferred you to say he had a 'notably British accent' or something similar rather than labelling him with a Jason Statham-like stereotype.

I thought it was a good chapter, but not your best as you say. Though that doesn't mean is was [I]bad[/i], just not as 'action packed'.

I'm also glad Gavin isn't dead, cuz he was a cool guy. Also looking forward to my entrance, hint hint. ^_~[/SIZE]

[Zen]

[size=1]

Sorry for the slack chapter you guys. It was actually written out of boredom and on a whim. I went back and changed a few things, but I left in the 'Greedy Bastard' part. That was intentional repetition just to show Boss' train of thought at the time. Bill, I changed your accent for you. Sorry for the offense, blame it on American ignorance.

I hope I can make it up with the next chapter. This introduces a new character and begins yet another battle, so there's a little action. I'll try and pick up the pace from now one and keep the chapters at a higher standard. Enjoy and comment for me. Thanks again.

- The Boss




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[center][b]Chapter 8:[/b] The Cutting Edge[/center]





It was a long night. DW let me sleep on the couch again; I?d have to thank him for that again. The problem was, I couldn?t do any sleeping. My mind was too tangled up with the haunting news from earlier. The Crusader survived having his throat cut. I watched him die, and he got back up. Here I was thinking I was hot shit. Guess not. I stared at the ceiling for several hours, going over the most intense battle of my life over and over again in my head. I thought it had been too easy. The more I thought about it, the more I suspected that Gavin was holding something back through out the battle. One doesn?t accumulate such infamy without earning it. I was just a punk kid assassin. Been in the game for a few years and gained some notoriety, but nothing special, just reliable. Gavin was something else. Gavin was a legend, an enigma, and something to be feared by all. There was no logical reason for me to have won. The only way I could have won?. It must have been God.

I eventually got lost in my thoughts and my eyes grew heavy. Sleep began taking me over, the last sight I saw was Sakura?s slumbering face. Before I drifted into unconsciousness, my last thought was [i] What a miracle?[/i]

I dreamt of an intense battle. I was one of the Three Hundred Spartans, just a single man in the ranks of a few. We stood on a dusty hill top, watching as human beings began flooding into a valley below us, bellowing deep war cries and brandishing weapons of all sorts. I looked to my left and my right and saw nothing. I had been abandoned. No one was left in sight, spears and bows scattered across what was formerly a well-organized battle line. I began to whimper and heave deeply for air. I felt panic begin gripping my heart. Just as that moment, a single hand fell onto my shoulder. I didn?t take my eyes from the battlefield as the approaching Persian army grew closer. The hand behind me became a body standing at my side. He was a tall man of great stature and strength, dressed out in a suit of glorious bronze and silk. He spoke in an out of place Irish.

[b][i] ?Interesting?. Most interesting.?[/b][/i]

Suddenly a sharp slap to my face woke me. [b] ?Wakey-wakey. Hands off snake-y.?[/b] I looked up to see DW standing above me with a mug of steaming coffee in his hand, his other returning to his robe pocket. The sunlight made the fabric sparkle into my eyes. I rubbed them and slowly rose up from the couch. DW slapped me again. I snatched his wrist and growled.

[b] ?Enough! Damn...?[/b] I released his arm and looked around. Sakura was off the couch and at the dining room table in the next room over. I could hear her voice mixing with Peanut?s in conversation.

[b] ?Get your ass up and go freshen up. We need to talk somewhere that?s not my home.?[/b] He slapped me lightly again and stepped away before I could make a lazy attack.

Less than an hour later, DW and I were stepping down the stairs. Peanut said she would watch over Sakura and help her recover. God I was glad she survived the night. I don't think I could have forgave myself if something worse had happened to her.

Before I knew it, DW and I were in the complex?s underground garage. We stepped into the massive dark expanse; DW brought his fingers to his mouth and let out a loud whistle. At this, the sound of screeching wheels followed and instantly, a black car was barreling at us at great speed. DW watched calmly as the car sped forward, not stopping. I was a bit nervous, but trusted DW?s judgment. The car kept coming, faster and faster from across the enormous garage. DW still didn?t move, but I was becoming fidgety. Suddenly, the car braked hard and began drifting in our direction, spinning in an elegant arc. I began sweating and nearly screamed like a little girl, but DW still didn?t move. The car stopped right in front of us on point.

I stood in a puddle of my own sweat and what might have been urine while DW stepped forward graciously, opening the back seat door. Hop on in. I looked at him in disbelief and hesitantly followed him into the back seat. It seemed strangely familiar. The Car?s shape, the smell of the leather, and the weird music humming from the front. I tried to think nothing of it and continued on. I sat down slowly and attempted to relax myself. Closing the door behind me, I looked forward to see a pale face looking into mine with a goofy smile and a mouthful of chewing gum.

[b] ?Morning, pal.?[/b] the face said in a British accent.

[b] ?Take us to the Rivera, JP.?[/b]

[i]Shit.[/i] I thought to myself. There was more to this kid than I thought. JP cranked his stereo up and began driving smoothly. I leaned over to DW and whispered, [b] ?What?s the deal with this guy? Some kind of limo-driver reject you hired??[/b]

[b] ?Heh? more like an on call get-away driver. You gotta remember, B. What I do isn?t exactly legal. I needed the best driver to get me out of the sticky situations I get myself into. JP here happens to be the best.?[/b]

[b] ?You have too much damn money??[/b] I replied snidely. I leaned back and we didn?t talk for the rest of the ride. The music was too annoying for me to process thoughts. We arrived at a high-class restaurant, entitled ?The Rivera?. I stepped out and DW followed. He leaned in and said something to JP before closing the door. JP quickly sped off afterwards. We walked into the building, constructed mostly of glass and sculpted marble. Too swanky for me, but a free meal is always a good meal.

We were seated quickly at a bar. Bottles of liquor sat on glass shelves, the bar itself constructed of marble like the rest of the building. We sat on chair-backed stools and ordered drinks. I got water; DW ordered some kind of Spanish sounding concoction. We looked through the over priced menu and got twenty dollar club sandwiches. I was beginning to feel like DW was a real prick for the way he wasted money. I decided to keep my mouth shut, though.

Rich and pampered patrons sat around us, holding conversations about things that shouldn?t be as important as they made them out to be. DW took a swig of some kind of blue drink and looked over to me. He got right to business. [b] ?Listen. Listen well, B. You?re starting to get yourself into a situation that?s going to be very hard to crawl out of alive.?[/b] he gave me a deep look, something I rarely saw from him. [b] ?Now, we may have our differences, but we?re still friends, and as little as I say it, I still care whether you're alive or not.?[/b]

I laughed to myself mentally. I think DW was trying to say he loved me as a friend. He just couldn?t speak those words. [b] ?Thanks for the kind words, D.?[/b]

[b] ?I don?t think you understand. You could seriously die. You?re more than just lucky that the Crusader didn?t turn you into a grey spot. From here on out, the competition for this James? head will only get more intense. Even more dangerous.?[/b]

[b] ?Like how??[/b]

[b] ?Remember that story I told you the other day about those contractors demolishing that bar? The four of them are still alive, word has it. They?re still looking for lives to end. But that?s not the least of your worries. It?s not just local killers anymore. We?re getting out of country coming in from all sides. England, Scandinavia, Asia, Australia. All the best killers in the world are heading for town to get a piece of the pie. And they aren?t sharing with anyone.?[/b] DW took a big bite of his sandwich.

[b] ?Are you trying to scare me out of this??[/b]

[b] ?No??[/b] he said with a full mouth before swallowing. [b] ?I?m just letting you know the facts my friend. The situation's only gonna get worse.?[/b]

I gave an arrogant smirk and brought my sandwich up. [b] ?I say bring it on??[/b] Leaning down to take a bite, I was interrupted before my teeth touched the food as a whirling blade flew from across the room and stabbed into the marble bar between me and DW.

[b] ?Very well then.?[/b] a woman?s voice to accompanied the attack.

I dropped my food and shot a glance into the direction it came from. The patrons of the restaurant began into a panic, an athletic red head emerged from the scattering humanity. She was dressed in a long, red-leather parka. It was open, revealing a black and white striped shirt and two dangling cutlasses hanging inside the coat. She stepped up in a pair of black Capri pants and white-red Converse sneakers. A large pair of red-rimmed sunglasses sat on her face.

I began grabbing hopelessly for my sword while DW leaped behind the bar. It began to dawn on me that I had left my sword at the condo. [i]I?m screwed.[/i]

[b] ?The name?s Zeke, big guy. I?m one of those dreadful ?out of towners? you and your friend seem to hate so much.?[/b] she mocked me in a feminine British voice.

[b] ?Listen lady, I really have no quarrel with you?. Could you just look past this one??[/b] I nearly begged her. I hadn't even began to recover from my last fight. My body was still in a bit of pain, and my mind was very weary.

[b] ?I?m ?friad not. Anyone who gets in the way of me and James is a dead man.?[/b] with this she withdrew her two cutlasses and swung them in fanciful arcs before dropping them into a strong guard. [b] ?Let?s make this entertaining, shall we??[/b]

I didn?t have a choice. It was either fight or die. Standing up, I clenched my fists tight and readied myself for another battle. I didn't even know who this chick was, but I wasn't going to let some stranger kill me, regardless. Not after all the shit I'd been through.

But man, I was beginning to get tired of this job.[/color][/size]

[Dragon Warrior]

[size=1]Like I told you, nice ending line. That really kicked off the end of it, so you're totally psyched and ready for the next installment. I agree with the others that Chapter 7 wasn't as up to par as the rest, but your Chapter 8 pulled through nicely. I know Zeke wanted to be in it and whether you planned for this new fight scene now or not, I felt it was forced. Like, you didn't have any idea where it was going from here, so you needed something to happen, so you threw a random battle in to give us some action. That or you did have an idea where you were going and it was just simply rushed into. To me, the Zeke battle was sudden. But I s'pose, if it pulls through, it'll be fine.

We'll see if the next chapter compliments this theory of mine or not.[/size]

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1]Like DW I really do like that last line, it gives a laugh and a insight into the characters' mindset, although after rumbling with the Crusader and then having to fight Zeke, I really do sympathise with his position. The fight scene did feel a little forced, but I think you'll be able to remedy that with the next chapter.

You?ve piqued my curiosity though with that Spartan dream, though maybe I?m reading too much into it.[/SIZE]

[Zen]

[size=1] Thanks for the advice and comments guy. This chapter outta fix the problem like you predicted.

And Gav, the dream does have significance, so don't worry. Haha.



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[b][center]Chapter 9:[/b] Days & Nights[/center]





The room was boiling with intensity as Zeke and I faced off. She stared into my eyes with an overbearing confidence and assurance that I would die. I had a similar feeling as I stood there unarmed and nervous. Luckily, I had been taught extensively how to fight hand to hand. Unfortunately, this was two hands versus two swords, a mismatch if I ever saw one. Before I could think any deeper, Zeke began running at me with her arms crossed, her cutlasses posed to slice me in half. I leaped back as she began swinging her blades around, attempting to decapitate me. Ducking to the side, I barrel rolled across the floor, but Zeke wasn?t slow. She was on top of me as I began standing, trying her hardest to plunge her cutlasses into my back. Running like a scared mouse, I spun around forward and ran backwards into main dining area.

Zeke followed close, her steel just missing my navel. I waited for a good time to strike out, watching her sword strokes carefully. The time came as she attempted a low swipe. Leaping back, I threw my body sideways in the air and dropped kicked her clean in the chest. She gave a rough grunt and withdrew slightly. I simply fell onto my ass and tried to crawl away before she could regain her senses. [b] ?Please??[/b] I pleaded tiredly, [b] ??. Please just call it off??[/b]

She put a pissed looked on her face and grumbled to herself. [b] ?Don?t think so, cocker.?[/b] Raising her right sword high, she flung it quickly at me. I shot my body back as fast as possible, still on my hands and feet on the floor. The blade stuck into the floor just inches away from my package. A small amount of life escaped me. I couldn?t rest though. I leaped up to my feet and grabbed the cutlass jammed in the marble. [b] ?Don?t begin to think you're gonna beat me at my own game...?[/b] Zeke grinned confidently and twirled her remaining sword from hand to hand.

It was true, the sword?s weight and shape was unfamiliar to me. But improvisation was my strong suit. I leaped forward and brought the sword down fiercely, Zeke bringing her's up to block my attack. Our blades sped towards each other and were within inches of connecting when suddenly a barrage of gunfire disrupted both of us. We both dropped to the floor quickly and looked into the direction of the gunshots, forgetting our battle for the second it took. Two young men, a sandy-blonde headed white kid dressed up in an all black suit and a short-afro?d black male dressed in an all white suit. Both held what had to be Stechkin APSs. Machine pistols, classic gun fight material. Too bad I was currently engaged in a sword fight.

[b] ?What the fuck do you bell-ends think you?re doing?!?[/b] Zeke screamed furiously. She stood up with her sword ready to kill them. I took the time to slowly crawl away, but was foiled when Zeke pointed her blade down in my path. [b] ?I?m not done with you, arse head.?[/b]

[b][i]"Shit?"[/i][/b] I whispered to myself.

[b] ?Well look what we got here, Retri. A two for one??[/b] the white gunman said amused. At that, my heart sank, and I remembered who these two were. White and Retri, gun slingers known for their accuracy and speed. Things just went from bad to worse.

[b] ?Hm. Convenient.?[/b] Retri replied casually as he reloaded his clip and cocked his gun.

[b] ?Well, let?s get this over with so I can get back to my DS.?[/b]

[b] ?Quit being a loser, White.?[/b] Retri sighed, then raised his head. The two aimed their guns simultaneously and began shooting in a fire storm of lead. I scattered out of the room frantically, leaning my back against the wall in another room, trying to catch my breath. I waited for Zeke to drop dead from the gunshots while simultaneously questioning God just to as why he placed me in these situations. The clatter of the automatic pistols seemed to go on for an eternity, a constant clack-clack-clack accompanied by the sound of crumbling marble and ricochets.

Then the gunshots ceased. I heard the sounds of frantic reloading and I peaked around the corner expecting to see a grizzly scene of gore. As soon as my eyes passed the edge of the wall, I was forced to duck my head again, a black-covered body flying through the air and into the bar room. White rolled across the ground and slammed back and head first into a wall. He let out a deep growl of pain and lifted his head. Rubbing the back of it frantically, he ruffled his hair. [b] ?Argh? totally owned? and by a chick no less.?[/b] I noticed he still had his gun gripped tightly in hand. His eyes met mine and I gulped hard. [b] ?Hm? maybe you won?t be such a problem.?[/b] His gun rose up and aimed at me, a smirk spreading across his pale face. I was defenseless and scared. Me and death were about to get acquainted again. His finger wrapped around the trigger and I felt myself begin to tremble.

[b] ?Put down the gun, asshole!?[/b] screamed DW?s voice. His slender figure leaped from out of hiding with a rather large Desert Eagle clutched in both hands. White?s eyes darted over, an expression of alarm meeting DW?s obvious panic.

Things were about to get a little more interesting.[/color][/size]

[Ezekiel]

[SIZE=1]Yay, I was hoping I could at least be some kind of [I]reluctant[/I] help to you. <3 I liked this chapter, it flowed easier and I had a real good image of what exactly was happening going on in my head.

I love the way you dressed Retri and White and how they interact, it's so perfect. As is Zeke's foul mouth. Those insults she keeps throwing out really amuse me, I might just have to use some of them. Her outfit was pretty damn cool, too.[/SIZE]

[Redemption]

[size=1]It is getting rather interesting, I must say Boss.

I agree with Ezekiel that the chapter really flowed. It gave good visual impressions on the reader and left them feeling like they had got the most of the chapter without the situation coming to an end.[/size]

[Revelation]

[size=1][color=#4B5B5B]DW with a gun? I thought he was a "greedy bastard." Maybe I was mistaken, maybe there's more to him than meets the eye...or perhaps there's less.

But that's besides the point. The point is, this was a pretty good chapter. I didn't expect there to be a small free-for-all, thought this would be a quiet chapter with not a whole lot of action. I actually liked it though. It somewhat reminded me of this one movie- its name just whooshed me. But either way, it was good.

I also agree with 'Zeke about Retri and White's outfits and personality. It suits them so well. And I just realized, they're sort of a yin and yang.[/size][/color]

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1][I]Arse head[/I], great insult man, I always wanted to see it used on a fic sometime. The writing is as usual superb, as is the quality of the action, you've got to teach my how to write like that sometime my friend. I do like White's reference to his DS, it just seems so natural to the character, as well as the story and I can't wait to see how this turns out.

On the dream point, I?m glad to see I?m not quite as unobservant as I thought.[/SIZE]

[Zen]

[size=1]

Forgive the briefness of this chapter, I was being rushed... I'll try to make the next one extra long. But this sets up for something even more interesting. Bad to worse, to awful.


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[b]Chapter 10:[/b] Cherry Tops
[/center]



It was an entertaining sight unfolding before my eyes. General rampage had consumed this once lavish restaurant, a talk between friends had turned into a sword fight, and a sword fight had turned into a gun fight. Now the gunfight has become a strange free-for-all. I lay deathly still with a gun pointed at me whilst DW shakily aimed his oversized pistol at White. White?s aim quickly switched to DW, and the two stared off. For a moment, it seemed like an interesting match. But then I remembered that one of the was a trained killer and the other was a bit of a pussy.

Still interesting, though. I looked down in my hand and realized I was still holding Zeke?s trusty old cutlass. Then I noticed that White?s attention was away from me at the moment. Must have forgotten I was a threat. I watched carefully as the two stared off for seconds, then I slowly lifted the cutlass. The countdown began, [i]1, 2?. 3![/i] I flung the cutlass at a wicked speed and followed after it. The blade slammed handle-first into White?s gun hand, causing him to shout in pain and drop his heavy handgun. Before he could react further, I was on top of him. Time for a little pay back. I unleashed on White, letting him feel all the frustrations that had built up over the past few days. Kicks, elbows, fists, knees, all onto his downed body. I screamed and hollered as I thrust my foot into his ribs, my knee into his jaw. He was helpless for a while until a jolt of ungodly pain cringed up into my shoulder.

I had been shot. I didn?t know how many times, but enough for me to stop attacking, and for White to kick me in the stomach. I flew back onto my ass once again and coughed hard, grabbing at my shoulder. Two red spots stained my jacket? my favorite jacket. White was busy scattering for his gun, but a thundering shot from DW?s Israeli masterpiece stopped that. I looked behind me to see Retribution holding the smoking gun. He walked in with a smooth confidence in each step. Zeke wasn?t in sight, and I could only think the worst had happened to her. Now it was my turn?. Lucky me. He aimed his APS squarely at me. Then looked up to DW.

[b] ?Step off, big guy. Or your friend here?s a grey spot.?[/b] he spoke with a reassured arrogance. I couldn?t stand it, but he made you believe it. DW, still in a great panic, switched his gun around and aimed at Retribution who immediately turned his piece on DW. White grabbed up his gun and aimed at him also.

[b] ?What are ya gonna do now, tough guy!??[/b] White screamed in a shaky voice. DW?s eyes widened at Retribution and for a moment, everybody watched him. I was about to react myself before I noticed just what DW was staring at. White?s glance averted towards Retribution as well and soon enough, all eyes were on him.

[b] ?What the hell you all lookin? a-?[/b] his voice was cut off by a chrome blade sliding off the side of his neck and settling over his throat.

[b] ?I ain?t done yet, ya cocker??[/b] said a shivering British woman. Zeke stood behind him with her sword pressed against his throat. Her clothes had been torn to shreds from bullets, blood drenches her clothes visibly, and despite the red she wore. She was injured badly, but she just kept ticking. [b] ?So? what?s it gonna be??[/b] she asked teasingly, pressing her blade closer to his throat drawing a trickle of blood.

Everybody was silent for a moment. The scene was like something out of a Quentin Tarantino flick. This formerly beautiful restaurant, now a shell of it?s former self. Shell casings and blood everywhere, four trained killers and a gun dealer, facing off. You could cut the tension in the air with a butter knife. Hands shook, sweat beaded, and no one breathed.

Suddenly, police sirens could be heard right outside the door. The sounds of cocking guns and code-talk could be heard. The cops were here?.[/color][/size]

[Dragon Warrior]

[size=1]For being short, it still was an awesome installment. I actually like this chapter the most out of any of them. It was very tense and I was on the edge of my seat, waiting to see what would happen. In seems like anyone could die in seconds. Like Sakura, I would be curious what would happen if Zeke did or didn't die, so either way I was happy with the result. I guess I'll get to see her a little more then. Naturally I worried for my character. "... and the other was a bit of a pussy." You are [i]so[/i] a prairie dog in my new story :P

Anyways, police have arrived and new events complicate things. Let's see what happens next.[/size]

[Revelation]

[size=1][color=#4B5B5B]Like I keep telling you, buddy. You need to stop doubting your work. Although it may sound like a piece of crap to you, it sure doesn't to everyone else. In fact, like DW, I like this one too. It had slightly more detail and just kept you thinking in some way.

As for the QT reference, it did make me think of that but it also made me think about "Smokin' Aces". Not a Tarantino movie but it's still a fairly good movie. It keeps you thinking, you should watch it sometime. You might get some ideas, might help keep the creative juices flowing. =][/size][/color]

[Zen]

[size=1]
Thanks for the comments you guys. You guys have a better opinion of my work than I do, haha. Here's a chapter that I hope will satisfy. Alot of crazy, over the top action. Please enjoy.



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[color=darkred][center][b]Chapter 11:[/b] Rough Riders[/center]




I sat shaking, my life hanging on a thread as I observed the obvious shock on the faces of those in power. Those with weapons. Eyes quickly shifted back and forth from person to person and before I could blink, everyone was bailing for the front entrance. Me and DW were the only ones left behind, and DW was busy dialing his cell phone.

[b] ?Hurry your ass up! Now!?[/b] he shouted into the receiver. He slammed the phone and shoved it back into his pocket. Leaping over the counter, he grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and hoisted me up with an unexpected burst of strength. We ran out of the room and out to the front entrance. There I saw a scene of great violence, guns trading bullets back and forth. Zeke was nowhere to be seen, but Retribution and White stood their ground strong, unmoving and blasting away at a police firing squad of several men. They felled a few before the sound of screeching tires interrupted the battle. I could hear the sound growing closer and closer, and then a familiar black car slid neatly in place right behind the police cars. DW yanked at me again and we bolted past the distracted gunmen and cops. We both leaped over the trunk and hood of two connected cop cars before leaping into open back window of JP?s Jaguar. [b] ?GO! GO! GO!?[/b]

[b] ?Fasten your seat belts, mates...?[/b] with that said, JP stomped on the floorboard and we zoomed off away from the battleground. I ducked my head down for a few moments before gaining to courage to look behind us. The bullets continued, this time, however, several of the police officers fell to their death with a few final cries of life. White and Retribution quickly exited the restaurant and knocked down the remaining cops with their bare hands. After this they hijacked a police cruiser and sped off in our direction.

[b] ?Fuck.... JP, man. You?re gonna have to lose those guys...?[/b] I stammered in my speech as we hauled ass at ungodly speed. JP smirked at my comment, and suddenly wove between oncoming cars. I gritted my teeth and mentally prayed while DW shuffled around the floor, lifting up a panel and withdrawing an odd AK-47 from a compartment.

[b] ?This outta make ?em think twice.?[/b] DW said while rolling down his window and poking his upper-torso out. [b] ?Keep it smooth, J!?[/b] he screamed to front. With that, he began firing off, loud sputtering accompanying several brass shells popping out of the side of the gun and into my lap. I hollered from the heat and leaped back a little, then watched as Retribution, at the wheel of the cop car, dodged the bullets but swerving from side to side between cars. I looked a bit closer and thought I saw something odd on the car, watching as White stuck his arm out of the passenger window, I coulda swore I saw a flash of red. A stray round flying past my head caused me to divert my eyes and duck down again. Then, a loud thud on the hood of the car shocked me. DW didn?t seem to notice as he continued fire away. Looking back up, I noticed that White and Retribution seemed a bit distracted by something above our car. I tried to follow their eyes up, but a shining blade plunging through the roof of the car startled me... just a little bit.

[b] ?Shit! Eh! Boy-o! Take care of that!?[/b] JP yelled back at me, his eyes steady on the road.

[b] ?With what, asshole?! My hands?!?[/b] I retorted.

[b] ?Damn it! Here!?[/b] he tossed a black stick back towards me, and I caught it. I looked down to recognize it as my odachi. [b] ?I grabbed it up from the house when I heard the sirens. Use it!?[/b]

I unsheathed the blade and looked at my reflection in the steel. [I] Finally...[/I] I thought to myself excitedly, [I] It?s go time![/I] I took my blade from it?s sheath and tossed it to the floor. Taking the blade up, I postured it around in the cramped car?s space and thrust it through the ceiling, and hopefully into what could have only been Zeke?s stomach.

[b] ?Fucking A! Stop stabbin? me ride!?[/b] JP screamed furiously.

[b] ?Oh, sorry...?[/b] I yanked the blade down, no blood in sight. It would seem I would have to follow her up there... lucky me. Crawling towards the window, I peaked my upper body out of the window, but quickly had to toss my blade up in order to block a furious blow from Zeke?s cutlass. I smirked at her shocked expression. [b] ?Look it what I got!?[/b] With a deep grunt, I pushed up with all my might and forced her back a few inches, far enough for me to maneuver my body around the window and on top of the car. We both crouched low, trying to stay stable on the Jag.

[b] ?What a way to go... you?ll have an interesting story to tell in hell!?[/b] Zeke laughed and thrust her Cutlass forward, attempting to stab me in the chest. I rolled over to the side and countered with my own slash, which was blocked. Unfortunately, it didn?t take long for White and Retribution to realize we were there. White repositioned his aim towards us and Retri gained some ground, coming up behind the straightened Jaguar. He bumped the back end, causing me and Zeke to shake uneasily. I thought I could hear JP scream the f-word in the car. DW was hangin out the window still, hurriedly reloading his AK. White ignored him and continued firing his weapon at me and Zeke. We attempted our best to deflect the stray lead. I scooted back a few inches and looked behind me, towards where we were heading. I could see a deep tunnel and I soon knew where we were. A bridge would come after the tunnel...

Looking back towards my target, I growled and gathered what manhood I had left. With a deep gulp, I pumped my thigh muscles and leaped from the roof of the Jaguar and onto the hood of the swerving cruiser. Zeke cursed something out of what must of been amazement and seemed to steady herself. I was busy trying to avoid getting shot by Retribution, who now had his APS ready to kill me. I took my sword back and went to thrust it into Retri?s chest through the windshield. Meanwhile, White reloaded and Zeke leaped onto the hood along with me. Then darkness. The tunnel?s lights obscured our vision with flashes of action. Muzzle fire, breaking glass, and blood flooded my eyes for what seemed like a terrifying eternity.

Then the sunlight blinded us. Before anyone could make a move, I began stabbing frantically into the windshield, Zeke began swinging her cutlass like a machete, slamming it across the glass as well, shattering it into a massive mess. DW and JP had disappeared into traffic and the whole police cruiser looked like a screen shot from hell. Sirens could be heard catching up to us, the cops were on our tails now. I glanced to see several cruiser cars and black police issue Berrettas aiming at us. It was a hail storm of lead and steel, muzzle fire from the APSs and the cops. A loud bang alerted everyone on the cop car and a sudden shift of weight startled us. The back tires had been blown... I looked over to the side and saw the long drop from the bridge into the marina around Otaku City. Retribution lost control of the car and we all swerved viciously to the side and slammed through the bridge barrier with a disgusting, metallic screech.

No one said a thing. No screams, no cries for help or God. The gun shots had stopped and the attacks were done. Just silence as four killers plunged from chaos into the deep blue sea....

What a day...[/color][/size]

[Revelation]

[size=1][color=#4B5B5B]I don't know why but this chapter didn't really get to me. It was interesting but it didn't intrigue me like the other chapters. Perhaps it's because it's somewhat early in the morning or something.

On a side note, there were some repetitiveness going on. It didn't lack flow, that's for sure, but it lacked something. I can't put my finger on it. It had detail, which I liked. Lack of detail just makes the story bland unless you can work with that, but that's very rare.

Well, in any case not sure what else to say about this piece. Keep at it and whatnot. Do your thing, Boss-kid.[/size][/color]

[Dragon Warrior]

[size=1]It's beginning to remind me of an old story I wrote about a guy who was very unlucky. I think it had something to do with karma--how he was a bad man and so he's getting his just desserts. Your character appears to be going from bad to really bad to worse off than he should be. I'll say I liked this chapter. I'm a sucker for car chases. I think it had an adrenaline kick and was exciting enough to keep my attention.

At one point I got confused, but I reread it and then I finally understood. I still love those last liners ;) "What a day..." Keep it up, mate.[/size]

[Retribution]

[size=1]So basically, here are a few of my thoughts.

I really enjoy the fight scenes. They're very well described and narrated, with a good pace to them, but an equally good depth.

However, you need more than just fight scenes to carry this story. I understand it's going to be a central part of the plot, but give us suspense, mystery, huge plot turns. Massive and long fight scenes are cool for a while, but they can get stale. If you want to keep up the tempo, you have to be sure you don't get too absorbed in events like these.

As for character development, it might have been worth devoting a chapter to the backstory of White and Retribution (haha). I would highly recommend that in the future. It's easy to get sucked into talking about you character, but break away from the linear structure. By looking at separate 'scenes' and bits of story separately, you can weave them together later. This is awesome for plot developments and twists.

Have at it, chap. You're a great writer.[/size]

[Zen]

[size=1] Thanks for the comments guys. I'll try to work on it. Here's the next to last chapter in the current arc. I took some of Alex's advice, maybe this'll work out some of my character's back ground.



[center][IMG]http://img259.imageshack.us/img259/4992/thehit0oa.jpg[/IMG] [/center]
[color=darkred]

[center][b]Chapter 12:[/b] Motivational Speaking[/center]



The loaded police car hit the deep blue ocean with a loud, disastrous splash. The metal sounded as if it was imploding as it sank into the white and blue haze. Before I could take a deep breath, I was sunk into the ocean, salt water blinding me. I couldn?t see anything for a moment. The water rushing into my mouth caused me to feel nausea. Attempting to hold onto my composure, I gripped my blade tightly and tried to find my way to the surface, but my air ran out. I watched the sun in the glare of the water slowly disappear. Drifting down, blackness over took my vision and before I knew it, everything was dark. My last thought was [I] Damn...[/I][/color]

[b] ?Michael... You?ll never amount to anything if you don?t rid of your self doubt.?[/b] A deep, unusual accent spoke strictly. I looked up from the sunlight and into the face of my master. He was a blonde man, shorter than myself. He wore a long pony-tail, his face pale, but hidden by the shadow cast by the sun. His face seemed like a void, as I stared into the dark abyss. [b] ?Get up a try again.?[/b]

I grunted to myself and felt a sharp pain spread across my lower back. Slowly, I regained my footing and readied the long wooden sword in my hands. My feet sank into the soft-grass plain, and I readied my eyes on his darkened face. He seemed invisible, standing there with no weapon, he wore a pair of black hakama, the kimono top hanging from his waist line. His body seemed so thin and frail, yet muscle tone was apparent. I had learned to fear the sight of him standing before me, despite the fact that I was much larger than he.

I brought the wooden blade down in front of me and gritted my teeth. With a burst of energy, my body jetted forward and slashed down onto his body. To my great surprise, I made a heavy contact, the wooden blade feeling as though it was sinking into his body. A big smile spread across my face in triumph.

Then I looked to my master?s face. That black void, unmoving. Not a hint of pain, or even sensation. With an ungodly speed, he grabbed my wrist with a vice grip and slung my body to the ground viciously. [b] ?You still carry self doubt. You struck me, but didn?t believe you could... therefore, your strike was weak and uninspired. You must learn to strike true every time you swing the blade, Michael....?[/b] his voice trailed off, as if he was speaking to the ether, and not to me. I?d begun to understand that his experience and deep mind caused this. But damned if it didn?t get on my nerves when he was beating my ass.

[b] ?What?s the point? The problem is that your just better than me.?[/b] I spoke from the ground. My body hurt to much to move, so I just lay there. I looked up to the sky back into the sun.

I could hear my master walking towards me. He stood above me yet again and looked down into my face with his shadowy void. [b] ?Stop doubting yourself, Michael. You give up far too easily... the heart of the warrior never falters. Never give up, under any circumstance. Only then will you find your true potential. And only then will you broaden your limits in mind, body, and soul...?[/b] His hand extended down to me and I gripped it tight. He raised me back up and the sun blinded me.

[color=darkred] Suddenly, I began coughing uncontrollably. I was floating on the surface of the water. Blood surrounded me, the police cruiser sunken deep, I saw two well dressed bodies floating face down in the water. Crimson liquid surrounded them. [I] Two down... one to go...[/I]

I searched the horizon desperately, but couldn?t find Zeke. With a deep breath and a shrug, I began swimming for the beach. Luckily it wasn?t too far out. My mind continued to wander on what had just happened, and my past. Two people were dead. My body count was growing, and despite myself, my conscious felt guilty. I eventually reached the beach, my body feeling heavy from the soaking wet clothing on my back. Sopping, I stepped onto the white sand and fell onto my stomach, sword in hand. I was so tired.... so, so tired. But something didn?t seem right. I felt a presence approaching, but I just didn?t care. My exhaustion was too great. I knew who it was before she even said the words.

[b] ?Get up, ya coward. Time to finish this...?[/b] spoke that tiresome British voice.

For a moment, I considered playing dead. Or just letting her kill me on the ground. But I couldn?t. My master?s memory wouldn?t let me. I slowly pushed myself up and cursed underneath my breathe. [b] ?Damn it, Des... this is all your fault...?[/b] I breathed deep and looked at Zeke?s bloody character. She looked awful, but I wasn?t gonna win a beauty pageant any time soon either. Lazily swinging my sword in front of me, I readied for the final battle.

Man... I really hope she just kills me...[/color][/size]

[Darren]

Haha, I know this may sound weird, (considering this is one of those passive chapters. Plus it was very short) but I personally think it's the best so far. I can't place my finger on it, but it just roped me in and kept my attention. Like I said it was short, (and I was wanting to read more, but ehh, what am I gonna do) but maybe I liked it so much because you [I]did[/I] give a bit of a back story. And I have to agree with DW: You're last lines are really something special. Keep up the good work.
D!

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1]It's been a few days since I posted here, but again Mike I'm really impressed by how well you've drawn the story along and the way the characters are developed in real and funny ways. I have to admit I did enjoy the idea of Des being your master, I can't wait to see how that factors into the next chapters, though you do have me torn once again between who I'm supporting.

On with the next chapter.[/SIZE]

[silpheedpilot]

[COLOR=DarkSlateGray][SIZE=1]Hey there, Mike. Really enjoying the story and while I wanna voice my concerns and critiques for the sake of being 'Joe the jerk'...I can't. Its all really keeping me engaged.
I'm liking the character interaction and the transition from one chapter to the next. The fight with Gavin was slick because I found myself re-reading those chapters.

Can't wait for my appearance with my un-wieldy SIG552 assault rifles.

I'd rather have something a bit more menacing, but...not gonna complain..*sniffles*[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Zen]

[size=1]Thanks again for all the comments you guys. I'm glad that I seem to be improving over time. I hope this chapter helps in that line. It was pretty late when I wrote this (2:00 am to 3:00 am) so forgive if anything is out of order. But I did try and I here it goes.



[color=darkred][center][IMG]http://img259.imageshack.us/img259/4992/thehit0oa.jpg[/IMG] [/center]


[center][b]Chapter 13:[/b] Red Sands[/center]




The former human being that was Zeke appeared to me as a bloody visage. Her clothes now mere tatters, her face and skin covered in crimson liquid. Blood stained the ground beneath her, the expression she wore was that of complete exhaustion. Once lively eyes were now dull and glossy. I sensed that she would drift into unconsciousness within seconds. Some how, though, she stood, and held a cutlass firmly in her right hand. She spoke in between short, stuttering breathes. [b] ?Let?s finish this...?[/b] she held up her sword and prepared to attack. I poised myself as well, ready to strike.

The mere sight of her brought guilt unto my character. I couldn?t bring myself to just kill the obviously helpless woman. [b] ?Listen... we don?t need to do this.?[/b] I attempted to reason with her. [b] ?....we both can still leave this alive.?[/b]

[b] ?Shut ya... yap...?[/b] she struggled to speak, her breathing now audible from a distance. [b] ?You?re goin? down.... just like... those other pricks...?[/b] she motioned her blade towards the wreckage out in the ocean. With that, she slid her bare feet in the sand and began charging at me with her cutlass raised high to attack. Now was the time, I knew it. I would have to end this life to preserve my own. I pushed my body with the little energy left in my legs, and jetted towards Zeke. Sand clouded in a trail behind the both of us as we bolted, our weapons cocked to kill. Despite the resistance from the sand, we both propelled at high speeds, deep battle roars accompanying our rallying charge.

As we approached each other, our blades clashed with a torrent of sparks and ferocity. Our swords grinded and growled against one another, each of us pushing to gain ground on the other. No thought traced either of our minds, killer instinct now controlling our bodies. A sudden change in weight alerted me, Zeke began spinning out of our deadlock and spun to attack me. I spun with her quickly. My sword reached around with a whistle in the wind as hers made an opposite motion. The blades missed one another.

They had found their targets in the flesh of myself and Zeke. I heard Zeke spurt out a gulp of agony or some similar sensation. An immense pain wracked my lower body, causing me to grind my teeth and grunt. I realized that my stomach had just been sliced open deep. Blood spilled heavily onto my feet and the ground beneath it. I began to fall backwards from the blow and I caught Zeke?s image in my eyes. My sword still lay buried deep in her clavicle and neck. She was a goner. I was to, I knew I would die now. But a lack of energy and blood prevented my mind to create the proper angst and sadness. Falling, I simply carried thoughts of how bothersome the impact would be. I blacked out before my body hit the sand.

[/color]

[b] ?Do you understand now, Michael??[/b] Des spoke in his beyond reality voice. I stared upon my felled target, a stone slab now in two pieces in front of me. My fine steel grasped tightly in hand, I viewed in near disbelief. But that wasn?t what this lesson was about. Quite the opposite. [b] ?Belief in one?s self, or the lack of disbelief is the defining factor in the mind of the warrior.?[/b]

[b] ?You mean, like....?[/b] I massaged the bottom of my chin in deep thought.

[b] ?Do not think!?[/b] Des? voice became stern. [b] ?That is the key to success in battle. Do not allow your mind to hinder your body?s actions. Serenity of the mind is the only way you can allow your body to act, attack, and defend on it?s own. Free your mind and let the techniques burned into your consciousness defend you and your body.?[/b]

A sudden flash of sensation racked my body and my blade was side ways in the air before I knew it, slicing a large rock in half. It had been throne by Des, who now stood in front of me directly, as if challenging.

[b] ?You see how you allowed your body to defend itself? That is because you had no time to think, only to react.?[/b] Des stomped the ground in front of him and presented a short Kodachi* from his side. [b] ?However...?[/b] Suddenly, Des was rushing me at lightning speed, slashing from all direction. I panicked and my body halted all function. I simply fell backwards on my feet, attempting not to die. A foot shot into my gut and caused me to fly back several feet onto my back. I grunted in pain and looked to the sky yet again. The sun was becoming a familiar sight after having my ass beat. [b] ?See what you just did? Clearing your mind allowed you to attack and defend against small, or unthreatening obstacles.?[/b]

Des began the process of retying his hair in a more comfortable fashion. I stay on the ground groaning as I listened to his hard lesson. [b] ?You must learn to completely free your mind and senses, and don?t allow a human opponent to frighten you. Thought must be left behind, you must fight by instinct. You must move and react by this alone. Otherwise, a skilled opponent will kill you. Never faulter, never retreat. That is the core of my teachings to you. Those are the teachings of our style... The school of...?[/b]


[color=darkred]

The sound of scattered voices and an steady beeping slowly shook me from my dream. My memory. I stared into a heavy bright light and for a moment, I thought I was on the fast track to the pearly gates.

[b] ?Listen! I?ll handle the expenses!?[/b] DW?s venomous shriek disproved that theory.[b] ?Shit!?[/b][/color]



[center]*******************************[/center]


*Kodachi: a japanese short sword, a step above a dagger.[/size]

[Dragon Warrior]

[size=1] Good stuff. Now finish.

Oh, I have to comment too? Fine. I was actually a bit excited with the Zeke and B fight. I mean, they're both worn out. I had no clue what would happen, but I had a feeling Zeke would die and B would be wounded horrifically. I have to admit, this is like watching a movie. Keep it going.[/size]