Writing Arcane [E]

[Lionheart]

[SIZE=1]Hello! This is my first time coming into this part of the otakuboards. Me and one of my friends made a song up a few weeks ago and we need some feedback on how well we wrote this song. So, if you have time. Please leave some comments both negative and positive.

Thanks

[B]Arcane[/B]

This new sensation is my own creation
A thought in the back of my head
of what you last said
My mind slowly slips into the black abyss
your gone, forgotten
now my mind sits rotten
I feel it in my head, what?s left of me is dead

[B]Chorus[/B]
This feeling in my vein
it must be inhumane
This uncontrollable pain
I?m losing my rein

I see them everyday
my nightmares come to play
I?m losing my sight of what I thought was right
Her last breath,
should be no excuse for my dance with death
So black angel give me this rest

[B]Chorus[/B]
This feeling in my vein
it must be inhumane
This uncontrollable pain
I?m losing my rein X2


I can hear it now your calling
I can feel myself falling
toward the unnamed who
must be ashamed as
it takes control of me
my sweet banshee[/SIZE]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]While you have gotten the basic meaning of this poem across fine, I think a lot has been lost in translation from thoughts to words. The reason for this above all is your rhymes. A lot of your rhymes seem extremely forced ('my sweet banshee?') meaning that you were more concerned with rhyming than you were with flowing.

I see a lot of Linkin Park influence in your poem, but you're going to have to flow better if you wanna walk in Mike Shinoda's shoes. [/COLOR]