Writing An Original Story [PG]

[Ellerby]

[FONT=Times New Roman][CENTER][SIZE=6]An Original Story[/SIZE]
[SIZE=5]Prologue: The Undiscovered[/SIZE][/CENTER][/FONT]

[FONT=tahoma]In the year 2011, very few things have changed in the world. Technology has obviously improved a lot, but nothing life-changing has been invented and everyone just waits for that first hover car to fly overtop of them (which may never even come).

There is one boy, however, who dreams not of the future but of the past. He imagines great mythical beasts such as dragons and chimeras fighting brave young knights to the death, Princesses being rescued, wars raging throughout the lands, Great Kings and Evil Kings dueling for power. This is the world he liked to imagine.

Of course, just like any young teenager with a large imagination, this boy pictured himself has a fierce knight constantly. He wore glimmering armor that blinded passerby?s, a long sword sharp enough to slice a boulder, a cloth armband around his muscles showing his love for a beautiful lady, and a cape made from dragon scales of a dragon he had slain.

Constantly, this young man would escape to this little world he had created in his head to get away from the scary things in life. He wasn?t a loser at school, he didn?t have trouble with girls, and his family wasn?t dysfunctional. What he escaped from was the government.

You see, one thing that was implanted into everyone?s lives was a little chip called the MoF Chip. MoF being an acronym for ?Monitoring of Felony?. The chip was supposedly meant to keep everyone safer, if anyone committed a felony the police would investigate for evidence and look through the chips memory banks to see if a suspect was actually a criminal.

The chips, you see, recorded every minute of your life. When you were born, the chip was implanted into your head near your eyes and when you died the chip was removed. The chips actually sat attached to the back of your head so if you were completely bald, it would be visible to the naked eye. This was so the Internal Agents of the MoF (or the ?MoFIA?) could check to make sure your chip was in place with ease.

People have quickly adapted to the chips. No riots broke out to fight against it, everyone seemed to agree it was fair. It?s not like the government was watching through your chip at all times? At least, that?s what most people believed.

?Some people are too trusting of their Government.? John said. He leaned back in his ratty fold-up chair and pushed his brown hair back. The old man telling him all of this smiled and nodded.

?Wise words for such a young boy,? He said. ?Anyway, this is where the young boy I was telling you about comes into play. You see, John, for some reason his birth certificate was not on record and the government didn?t even ask for him to get a MoF chip.?

?Well, don?t you have a MoF Chip? Don?t I have a MoF chip? Won?t the government see you telling me all of this??

?Too many questions at once, lad!? the old man laughed and wiped some sweat from his bald head. ?Aye, that would be a problem. But neither of us have chips. You see anyone born before the chip was made must wait until they are twelve. That gives you a full year. Anyone that was 75 or older when the chip was invented also was not given a chip. That is how we?re in the clear.

Now, let me finish my story.?[/FONT]

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[size=1][color=dimgray]And thus ends the Prologue to my first ever original story that isn't based off anything. I didn't get any inspiration from any other books, I just started writing it.

The chapters will be a bit longer, obviously, but I wanted to get this posted. At the beginning of chapter 1, we'll really start the story.[/color][/size]

[Rachmaninoff]

I have a few things to say beyond the initial one of it was interesting to read. It may not be the most original concept in that the idea of big brother watching you isn?t new. But it still looks like you intend to take it on an interesting tangent in that respect with the kid almost living in a fantasy world of his own creation. Instead of the more obvious one of someone fighting the system.

There are two things that don?t seem to fit; the first would be the title. An Original Story just doesn?t sit as well as The Undiscovered. But that?s just me nitpicking and not really important.

The second is how the prologue is done. The first part about the chips and the boy with the vivid imagination flow together nicely to set up the stage for the story up to this sentence?[B]At least, that?s what most people believed.[/B]

The next section of conversation seems out of place as if it should be the beginning of the first chapter instead of part of the prologue. You?ve started with a type of descriptive narration and then switched to outright conversation, something that I found to be a bit jarring. It doesn?t fit with the style of the rest of the prologue before it.

Other than that you?ve got a nice start here. And even then what I'm saying is only the impression I got when reading it. ;)