Writing Majestic XII [M-VL]

[Blayze]

[center][u][b][font=Lucida Sans Unicode][size=3]Majestic XII[/size][/font][/b][/u]


[b][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]Volume One: District S[/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode]Chapter One: Scavengers[/font][/b]

[i][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]Camden Town, London.[/font][/i]

[i][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]2008.[/font][/i]

[i][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]2300 hours.[/font][/i]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode]A young woman's feet slapped on the pavement as she hurtled down the street, fleeing for her life [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]from an unseen pursuer. Her breath came fast and ragged, clouds of steam billowing out of her [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]lungs into the cold night air as she panted to take in enugh oxygen to keep running. The muscles [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]in her legs burned, and urged her to stop, but the fear, causing pheromones to release in her [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]brain, forced her to carry on. She kept flicking her head back to see if her pursuer was still [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]there.

[/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]Suddenly, a figure slid around the corner and began to run after her, although this one had a [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]strange, lop-sided gait. He limped after her, disturbingly quickly for someone in his condition, [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]and was soon right behind her. With a crouch and a leap, he knocked her to the floor, landing on [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]top of her. She began to scream, but he stabbed something into her arm, rendering her unable to [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]scream, but still able to struggle.[/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode]She could see now that he wasn't human. The general figure seemed human enough, but his face was [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]of a shape alarmingly similar to that of a dog. Thick strands of drool hung loosely from his lips, [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]and he was snuffling and snorting around the girl's body. His cold yellow eyes seemed to pierce [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]straight through her. He raised a hand, and the three fingers it possessed suddenly grew sharp, [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]elongated claws on the ends. She struggled more as she realised this...thing...was going to rip [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]her apart.[/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode]Something suddenly whizzed past her and the monster and slammed into the ground, and she realised [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]it was a bullet. The creature stopped its relentless attack and turned its attention to the [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]direction the bullet had come from.[/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode]Five people were standing in the mouth of the alley, one of them, a tall, thick-set young Hispanic [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]man dressed in blue jeans and a black leather jacket, was holding a smoking handgun.[/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]"Step away from the lady,"[/b] said the man in the centre of the group, a young-looking man with dirty [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]brown hair flopping messily over his forehead, wearing a black suit with white shirt and black tie [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]and a black trenchcoat draped over them, [b]"And put your hands in the air, Scavenger."[/b][/font]
[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]"I don't think he's going to listen, Adam,"[/b] said the Hispanic man, [b]"He ain't movin'."[/b][/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]"Then I think it's time for me to let you do your job, Ricardo,"[/b] said Adam, supposedly the leader [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]of this group, as he stepped aside. Ricardo stepped up to the fighting pair, and loaded his [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]handgun with a clip that was glowing a gentle green in the darkness of the night. Taking careful [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]aim, he fired a single shot into the beast's neck, knocking it unconscious almost instantaneously.[/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]"Bag and tag, team," [/b]said Adam, gesturing for his team to move in. A flurry of movement ensued, [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]with all the rest of the team moving around the creature quickly.[/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]"Hi,"[/b] said one of them, a pretty woman with dark red hair and green eyes, to the injured female on [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]the floor beside the creature, [b]"My name's Jane. I'm going to take care of you. The Scavenger here [/b][/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]has a bite laced with a kind of venom. I'm just going to give you the anti-venom."[/b] She loaded a [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]syringe with a strange blue serum and injected the whole lot into the young woman's neck. [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]She passed out straight away.[/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]"Is she going to be ok?"[/b] asked the other woman in the crew, this one with jet-black hair and dark [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]eyes, as she booted up her laptop.[/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]"She'll be fine, Suze," [/b]replied Jane, [b]"I just loaded her up with enough sedatives to knock out a [/b][/font][b][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]horse, and I added a little amnesia in there too. She'll wake up at home thinking she's had a hard [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]night drinking, that's all."[/font]

[/b][font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]"Guys, a little quiet here if you don't mind,"[/b] asked the man holding a large injection gun to the [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]Scavenger's neck, [b]"This is kind of a delicate procedure."[/b] He rolled up the sleeves of his suit [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]jacket, undid a third button on his striped shirt and held the injector steady.[/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]"Alright, Jake, do what you need to do,"[/b] said Suzie, lowering her voice.

[/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]"Everybody ready?"[/b] he asked, brushing his free hand through his blonde hair. As the rest of the [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]team nodded, he pulled the trigger of the injector and pumped a microchip right into the [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]Scavenger's neck. The Scavenger suddenly regained consciousness and screamed, and the Hispanic man[/font]
[font=Lucida Sans Unicode]fired another sedative into its neck, knocking it to the floor.[/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]"You have the signal? Or shall I give him another one, like the last three we've done?"[/b] asked Jake [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]somewhat sarcastically. Suzie shook her head.[/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]"No, we're good this time," [/b]she said, brushing off Jake's sarcasm lightly, with a sly smile in his direction, [b]"We have a signal."[/b][/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]"Excellent work, guys,"[/b] said Adam, letting the rest of the group pack their stuff away as he knelt [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]down and tied the shoelace of his bright white Converse All-Stars, a stark contrast to the suit he [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]was wearing.[/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]"Adam,"[/b] said Ricardo, coming over to him, [b]"I don't like where this is going, and I know you don't [/b][/font][b][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]either. This is the fourth Scavenger we've tagged tonight - that's far more than usual. We're [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]beginning to have Scavengers coming out of our ears."[/font]
[/b]
[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]"Don't worry, Ricardo,"[/b] said Adam, [b]"I have Wynonah on the case, and you know how good she is. [/b][/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]She'll find the cause of the problem and you know she will."[/b] As if by some weird coincidence, [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]Adam's phone chirped, and he twisted a Bluetooth headset into his ear.[/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]"Wynonah,"[/b] he said, [b]"I hope you have some good news for me!"[/b][/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][b]"Oh, I don't know if you could call it good,"[/b] the Australian woman said nervously on the other end of the phone,[b] "In [/b][/font][b][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]fact, I think it could be very very bad..."[/font][/b]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode]She looked up from the ground where she was laying on a small overhang of rock. She was in the [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]sewer system underneath London, but the whole network was crawling with Scavengers.[/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode]Thousands of them. Hundreds of thousands.[/font]

[b][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]"I think we could be in trouble..."[/font][/b]


[font=Lucida Sans Unicode]---[/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode]This is the first part of my new original piece of fiction. It is based around an RP that I [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]created that never got off the ground, named Majestic XII, also the name of the covert organisation [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]that it revolves around. The aim of this organisation is to hunt down all forms of alien life on [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]Earth. But all that will be revealed soon enough.[/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode]Anyway, this story will be written in a Volume system. There are four volumes so far, each [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]containing three chapters. They are each self-contained stories, but they will all come together [/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]in the end, and all involve the same characters in various situations.[/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode]So I hope you enjoyed this, which is really just the intro before the story really gets going. [/font]

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode]Settle yourselves in for chapter 2![/font]
[/center]

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]Hey.

So let me say first that, even though I didn't feel like I had enough time or experience to participate in the RP, I had every intention of following it, should it have got up and running. I am therefore quite pleased to see [U]Majestic XII[/U] over here because I really want to see where you were heading with it.

So far, I like it. It has a touch of the MiB feel to it without so much of the "solo-agent-blowing-everything-to-kingdom-come" aspect. And sans the comedy. Before I say anything else, though, I have protocol that's itching the back of my head, and so I must be Editor Man. (V_V)

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Quick preface: I'm not picking at you to be mean or because I think you're a crappy writer. I'm picking at you because I think you're good enough to be picked at, instead of having me waste your time with things like paragraphs and motion and stuff you've already got a good grip on. I'll tell you if I think something's off, but I'll also see if I can show you how to make it better. My teachers always did this for me, so I'm just doing what works. (^_^)

[QUOTE][FONT=Lucida Sans Unicode]...but the fear, causing [B]pheromones[/B] to release in her brain, forced her to carry on.[/FONT][/QUOTE]

Not sure that that's the word you want there. I would say [B]adrenaline[/B], but [B]hormones[/B] would work as well. (Pheromones are specific to animals and are used to transmit messages between two animals of the same species, whereas hormones are used to send messages from one part of the body to another. Just so ya know. :) )

Also, I'd ditch the comma after "burned". Try it both ways; if that's not the way you want the sentence to feel, then keep it there, but I don't think it's necessary.[/FONT]

[QUOTE][FONT=Lucida Sans Unicode]With a crouch and a leap, he knocked her to the [B]floor[/B], landing on top of her.[/FONT][/QUOTE]

[FONT=Arial]Ground, pavement, sidewalk, street, etc., etc. This is outside, so watch yourself for uniformity.

[QUOTE][FONT=Lucida Sans Unicode]She began to scream, but he stabbed something into her arm, rendering her unable to scream, but still able to struggle.[/FONT][/QUOTE]

This sentence feels odd. No, I take that back; only the last two phrases feel weird. I think it's all the repetitions: "to scream" and "but". Not sure what to tell you here, 'cause I don't know what you want.

Hmm. I like the struggling visual, but perhaps that's what's hindering the flow there. What if you just let her go limp and be forced to watch the Scavenger helplessly? You're call, naturally.

[QUOTE][FONT=Lucida Sans Unicode]Something suddenly whizzed past her [strike]and the monster[/strike] and slammed into the ground....[/FONT][/QUOTE]
Reference:
[QUOTE][FONT=Lucida Sans Unicode]Five people were standing in the mouth of the alley....[/FONT][/QUOTE]
The alley is behind her right? (Well, she's prone, so that would be towards her feet, really. Behind the monster.) They way you wrote that gives the image that the bullet passed her first, but she's in front of the Scavenger, so that doesn't make any sense. If they are turned then I'd provide that information earlier, but otherwise, I'd drop "and the monster", and possibly add "[past her] head". But that's me.

[QUOTE][FONT=Lucida Sans Unicode] The creature stopped its [strike]relentless[/strike] attack and turned its attention to the direction the bullet had come from.[/FONT][/QUOTE]

That sounds like he's been beating her furiously since he knocked her down. Unless, of course, he [I]has[/I] been....

[QUOTE][FONT=Lucida Sans Unicode]Five people were standing in the mouth of the alley[COLOR=Red]. O[/COLOR]ne of them, a tall, thick-set young Hispanic man....[/FONT][/QUOTE]

[QUOTE][FONT=Lucida Sans Unicode]Ricardo stepped up to the fighting pair[COLOR=Red][B],[/B][/COLOR] and loaded his handgun with a clip that [B]glowed[/B] a gentle green in the darkness of the night.[/FONT][/QUOTE]

It's terribly difficult to edit commas easily here on the boards, so just drop the one I highlighted.

[QUOTE][FONT=Lucida Sans Unicode][B]"Hi,"[/B] said one of them, a pretty woman with dark red hair and green eyes, to the injured female on the [B]floor[/B] beside the creature[B][COLOR=Red].[/COLOR][/B][/FONT][/QUOTE]

There's that pesky wandering floor again. (^_^)

Oh, and use a period where I marked it. It'll help.

[QUOTE][FONT=Lucida Sans Unicode] She loaded a syringe with a strange blue serum and injected the whole lot into the young woman's neck. [B]She[/B] passed out straight away.[/FONT][/QUOTE]

You know how your English teacher always bugs you about pronouns? This is why. Now, I know the first "she" references Jane and the second "she" references the prostrate woman, but it takes a second to get that. The way it reads now makes it seem like Jane injected the woman and then passed out. Funny, but not what you wanted. (^_^)[/FONT]

[QUOTE][FONT=Lucida Sans Unicode][B]"Guys, a little quiet here if you don't mind[COLOR=Red]?[/COLOR]"[/B][/FONT][/QUOTE]

[FONT=Arial]Either that or have him request it instead of ask it. Easier to keep it a statement that way.[/FONT]

[QUOTE][B][FONT=Lucida Sans Unicode]"I have Wynonah on the case, and you know how good she is. She'll find the cause of the problem [strike]and you know she will[/strike]."[/FONT][/B][/QUOTE]

[FONT=Arial]Make it sound authoritative, final. "She'll find it." End of story.

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As far as speech goes, you're almost fine; I only have a few things. First, branch out with your verbs, there. Right now all you have is "said" and "asked", which doesn't make for much diversity. Admittedly, you're going to use them a lot anyway, but try to plug in things that'll help you express emotion more, like stated, spoke, commanded, shouted, screamed, whispered, etc.

Second, your punctuation in the center thoughts is a little off. E.g.:[/FONT]
[QUOTE][FONT=Lucida Sans Unicode][B]"Step away from the lady,"[/B] said the man ... trenchcoat draped over them, [B]"And put your hands in the air, Scavenger."[/B][/QUOTE]
[FONT=Arial]With this sentence, your center phrase is too long for both statements to be one sentence, so you'll have to put a period after "them". This isn't necessary al the time, though:[/FONT]
[QUOTE][FONT=Lucida Sans Unicode][B]"Adam,"[/B] said Ricardo, coming over to him, [B]"I don't like where this is going...."[/B][/FONT][/QUOTE]
[FONT=Arial]That one's absolutely fine; it reads as a mid-sentence pause, which adds effect. Make sure that if you do this, you don't capitalize the first word of the second spoken phrase. It's still one sentence, after all. The narrator just interrupted it with description.

Also, you aren't required to put your dialogue at the beginning of the paragraph all the time. New paragraphs occur with a change in speaker, not just when the speaker starts. E.g.:[/FONT]
[QUOTE=Allamorph][FONT=Arial]Dylan approached his commander casually. [B]"So, boss, you want we should take him down together?"[/B] he queried, nodding towards the arena's third occupant.

[B]"No,"[/B] Jason responded, shaking his head. [B]"It'll look suspicious if we both win; we'll have to fight each other."[/B]

Dylan blinked. [B]"You're joking."[/B]

[B]"I know this is weird, but we don't have many options. Just work with me on this one,"[/B] requested the cyborg as he walked to where his given weapons lay.[/FONT][/QUOTE]

[FONT=Arial]It varies the pace and makes things more interesting for reader and writer alike.

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Like I said, I like the concept and can't wait to see where you go with it. I enjoyed the image of a business-suited man wearing Converses and the glowing green magazine. (Ooh. That rhymes.) I kind of have to run, so that's about all I can say right now.

Don't take anything I said too harshly; I only told you stuff to make you better, not to drag you down.

Later

-A[/FONT]