Writing Nothing but Pain [PG - V]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR=DimGray]Here is a poem I wrote yesterday. It's a little morbid as it deals with suicide. Don't worry I'm not basing it off me or anyone, so don't worry. You could say it deals with our thoughts on life, or maybe something different. Who knows.[/COLOR]

[CENTER][U][B][COLOR=Blue]Nothing but Pain[/COLOR][/B][/U]

[COLOR=DimGray] = She wants to fell nothing but pain. =
= She wants to feel the blood run through her veins. =
= She just wants to feel sorrow, and nothing more. =
= She wants to see her own gore. =

= Yet she remembers a time of happiness. =
= A time of no regrets. =
= Yet she still digs deeper to create more pain, =
= but her body begins to fade, as the pain starts to set. = [/COLOR]

[COLOR=Blue] [U][B]CHORUS[/B][/U]
♣ She wants to feel nothing but pain. ♣
♣ She wants to feel the blood run through her veins. ♣
♣ She just wants to feel sorrow, and nothing more. ♣
♣ She wants to see her own gore. ♣[/COLOR]

= It?s not her time, =
= Yet she repeats the rhyme. =
= It?s like a never ending song. =
= One she knows that?s wrong. =
= But she still bleeds, =
= and cries herself to sleep. =

[COLOR=Blue] [U][B]CHORUS[/B][/U]
♣ She wants to feel nothing but pain. ♣
♣ She wants to feel the blood run through her veins. ♣
♣ She just wants to feel sorrow, and nothing more. ♣
♣ She wants to see her own gore. ♣[/COLOR]

[COLOR=DimGray]= She may never, ever stop. =
= Yet her life clock is about to drop. =
= She can?t deal with her life, =
= It?s causing her strife. =
= While she tears apart, =
= Within she?s killing her heart. =[/COLOR]

[COLOR=Blue] [U][B]CHORUS[/B][/U]
♣ She wants to feel nothing but pain. ♣
♣ She wants to feel the blood run through her veins. ♣
♣ She just wants to feel sorrow, and nothing more. ♣
♣ She wants to see her own gore. ♣ -X2-[/COLOR]

[COLOR=DimGray] = Tired with life, =
= as she hold the knife. =
= She stops dead cold. =
= Realizing that it?s all over for her. =
= She falls down without a thought in the world. =
= She?s no longer alive, deep inside. =
= But the sorrow stays in her heart. =
= It?s over for, she can?t go on. =
= She dies as the night hits dawn. =[/CENTER][/COLOR]

[COLOR=Blue]So what do you think?[/COLOR]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]First - spell check. Very important.

Now, in this poem I see a problem that a lot of rising poets face. Your rhymes seem increadibly forced. For instance...

[I]= She just wants to feel sorrow, and nothing more. =
= She wants to see her own gore =[/I]

Either of these lines sounds very strange. the first line I say this about because of the word 'just' which downplays the seriousness of the line (you tend to do this a lot it seems). The second line just sounds peculiar. Unless this is a death-metal song or something, it doesn't really belong.

[I]She wants to feel the blood run through her veins[/I]

What's wrong here is phrasing. Your blood is always running through your veins. Perhaps 'she wants to feel her blood shoot from her veins' would fit better?

[I]= It?s not her time, =
= Yet she repeats the rhyme. =
= It?s like a never ending song. =
= One she knows that?s wrong. =
= But she still bleeds, =
= and cries herself to sleep. =[/I]

This is the most flawed stanza in the poem. It very much feels like you only threw the line 'rhyme' in there for the sake of rhyming with 'time.' 'It's like a never ending song' seems like it was only created because you used the word 'rhyme' and wanted to continue the song reference. It doesn't fit the morose nature of the poem.

For the third stanza 'her life clock is about to drop' is a strange line. Her clock's going to [I]drop[/I]? How about...

Her clock is not ready to stop
But her body's about to drop

Or something like that? If a rhyme doesn't work, don't use it. As more of a nitpick, I think you're mising the word 'herself' in the line 'while she tears apart.'

The last stanza might work better if the rest of the poem had been good enough. Remember, instead of creating more of the same, fix what you have.[/COLOR]