Writing Zero [PG-L]

[Claire]

[FONT=Arial][SIZE=1]After some subtle coaxing, I decided to post my little vampire short story here. There are undoubtedly gajillions of errors, and if you happen upon one, try to ignore it and continue. :][/SIZE]

[B][CENTER]ZERO[/CENTER][/B]
There I was; trapped in between two girls with fake fangs and excessive makeup on a gaudy leather couch. Music that reminded me of sex was blaring from the stereo. All around the room I heard snippets of dull conversation, uninspiring pickup lines, and generic stupidity from what could possibly be the darkest crowd of human beings in the whole state.

Somehow I had been dragged to a ?Vampire Club.?


Nils had been playing on the computer all day and was still on it when I awoke that night. I was curious as to what a seventeen-hundred year old vampire would be doing on the Internet, and when I peeked over his naked shoulder I found a web page dedicated to our very own kind.

?What?s this?? I asked.

?It?s hilarious. I found a website made by humans who believe that they?re vampires.? He giggled as he spoke. I lifted an eyebrow out of intrigue.

?How do you know they aren?t real??

?I can just tell. They?ve got it all wrong.? He clicked the mouse a couple of times and let me read a ridiculous story, full of grammatical and spelling errors and misconceptions about vampires.

?Yeah, it?s obviously the work of a human.?

Nils shifted in the computer chair, stretching his long, leather-clad legs. ?I?m more interested in this club they?re advertising.?

He scrolled up the page and pointed at a picture of two humans, both grinning and showing off their obviously handcrafted fangs. The text on the picture read ?THE VAMPIRE CLUB: Meets every Friday as soon as the sun goes down.?

?That sounds really stupid.? I laughed at the absurdity of the idea.

The printer growled to life and spit out the ad. Nils picked it up out of the basket and read the address listed beneath the fake vampires in the picture.

?I want to go.? He said. It sounded like a demand.

?What? Why would you want to?? I asked as he shut off the computer and got to his feet. I knew he would leave no matter what I said. I just hoped that he wouldn?t drag me along -- though I should?ve known it was a fate I couldn?t escape.

?Come with me, please.? His icy white eyes begged me; I felt them shattering my resolve.

?I really don?t want to...? I was breaking.

?No, come on. Let?s go now.?

His mind was made up. He disappeared into his bedroom and returned shortly afterwards, remarkably fully dressed and wearing a tiny bit of eyeliner. I sighed and got myself ready, then followed him out of the house.


Now I didn?t know where Nils had gotten to. I sat down on the couch as soon as we arrived at the club and was soon flanked by the two girls in costume.

?Hello,? one said, ?I?ve never seen you here.?

?I?ve never been here,? I replied, trying to mask my discomfort. The girl, whose hair had been dyed pitch black, suddenly began to stare at my mouth.

?Woah,? she exclaimed, ?where did you get those?? I gave her a confused look. ?Those fangs! They look real.?

?They are real,? I replied with only the truth. The girl looked a bit disappointed. I nearly rolled my eyes.

She introduced herself as some name I hated, and her friend had a rather despicable name as well. I sat in between them and ignored them as best I could for I don?t even know how long. Eventually, I became so utterly bored with the humans that I felt like screaming, so I stood up and excused myself ?to the bathroom.?

I wandered around the club, which was really just a poorly stocked seedy bar. Nils was nowhere to be found. Teenaged boys dressed as vampires constantly approached me with an empty pick-up line; one even said something about my blood being the ?nectar of the gods,? and it took every ounce of will power I had to not rip his pulsing throat out. Finally, I leapt over the bar so fast that no eye could catch me and ducked into the kitchen.

[I]God damn it, Nils[/I], I thought, [i]if you left me at this gathering of idiots[/i]...I rubbed my eyelids in frustration and attempted to calm myself down by taking a few breaths. [i]If you left me here I?m going to tear your dead heart out of your chest and beat you with it.[/i]

After a few minutes passed, I returned to the crowd as quickly as I escaped it. I decided I had probably ?been in the bathroom? long enough, and I made my way back to the sitting area. My mood picked up slightly as I saw Nils sitting in my place between the two girls, his arms stretched out over their shoulders.

?Ah, Amelia, I finally found you.?

The girls looked at me, suddenly very defensive and tense. I figured they had fallen in love with him already and were willing to take anyone out to get to him.

?I was looking for you. I?m ready to go,? I demanded. Nils looked heartbroken, and I suddenly felt sorry for him, and the two girls as well -- if I was affected by his sappy expression, the humans must be trapped in his spell like two flies in a spider web.

?But we just got here!? he protested, his eyes beginning to show traces of blue. I shot him a warning glance: [i]not in front of the kids.[/i] However, his beseeching stare was more than enough to make me sit down in a soft black chair near the couch. I sighed at my irrevocable obedience to him.

?So, Nils, where did you get your contacts? They?re amazing,? one of the girls wanted to know.

?I ordered them from some website. I forgot what it was called,? he responded. Nils was a very good liar, although it would?ve been more like him to say that his eyes were naturally that wintry white color. The girls looked disappointed again; apparently, they were very impressed at how good our ?vampire costumes? were. They were also very quick to change the subject.

?I believe that I was a goat farmer in a past life,? the black haired girl babbled. Nils rolled his eyes supernaturally fast, so that only I could see the gesture.

?In my past life, I was the only son of a penniless candlestick maker. Everyday I would go out and kill some animal with my bare hands and drag it home for our dinner. I died horribly young, though, when bandits raided my village,? he said, almost as if it were the truth. I lifted an eyebrow and wondered if just subtly told me about his real past.

?I took this quiz online that showed me where I died in my past life, and it was in some ocean,? the other girl, a blonde with tacky red contacts, pitched in.

?That means you were a fish,? Nils said with a smile. The girls fell into uncontrollable fits of giddy giggles.

?I don?t believe in past lives,? I sighed. The laughter stopped, and the girls began to glare at me. Nils took on a half-smile that said [i]quit raining on my parade.[/i]

I opened my mouth and ran my tongue underneath one of my fangs. [i]Bite me.[/i]

Nils frowned completely then. ?Ladies, it?s a bit loud in here. Shall we go someplace a little more...isolated?? he asked, his voice dreadfully seductive. I almost wanted to leap to my feet and follow him to wherever he?d be going. Of course, the girls nearly rocketed through the roof at his request. By now they would?ve dove off a cliff into a pile of jagged rocks if he had suggested it. He took their hands - they gasped in unison at how cold his skin was - and led them out of the sitting area and through the crowd.

He turned his head and glanced at me as they walked away, his eyes suddenly glowing a very bright, menacing orange. His teeth were gleaming through a maniacal grin, and I knew exactly what his plan had been the whole time.

For whatever reason, the club had a few locked bedrooms, barely furnished and hardly heated at all. I slunk behind the three as they approached one of the doors, and when Nils jiggled the handle they all sighed at the impossible entry.

?It?s not a problem,? Nils muttered. He turned the doorknob again, and the door swung open, allowing them to enter the soon to be damned bedroom.

I sped to the door as fast as I could run without transcending the average human speed, determined to keep Nils from fulfilling his bloodlust. I was too late; by the time I got there, he slammed the door in my face, still grinning like a madman. I heard the lock click. [i]Oh, shit.[/i]

They were quiet at first; a few giggles, soft whispering, and eventually gentle moaning. I had my back to the door, my hand clasped over my eyes in embarrassment. Streams of cuss words were running through my mind like they would flow out of a sailor?s mouth. [i] Dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit.[/i]

"I bet your blood is the nectar of the gods," Nils uttered, his voice irresistably cunning. [I]Did he honestly just say that?[/I]

Then came the muffled screams -- both of them simultaneously. I wondered how Nils managed to subdue both girls, bite them, and suck out their life force at the exact same time. I heard two separate heartbeats speed up and slow down, as if they had been two wheels rolling down one hill and hesitantly progressing up another.

I was starting to panic. [i]Surely he won?t kill them. Surely.[/i]

?Amelia, let?s go.?

I dropped my hand, startled at Nils? sudden appearance beside me. ?What? How did you get out here so fast??

I listened for signs that the girls were still alive. There were two thin clouds of faltered breathing and a painfully slow rhythm of two hearts trying to maintain a steady beat. Apparently Nils only drank enough to knock them out. At least they would survive.

He nonchalantly headed for the door, singing some song under his breath. I all but ran ahead of him in a hurry to get out of the stupid club.

Snow had been falling for a while, and there was about an inch of powder on the ground. He playfully shuffled through it as I barreled ahead, grumbling. ?Come on, dammit.?

[I]?She?s the one for me, she?s all I really need, oh yeah...?[/I][/FONT]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Arial][size=2][i]Yes[/i].

Very, very glad that you posted this up. Good girl.

I only really have a couple of things to say, and they're pretty nitpicky:

1. Watch your semicolon use in the first sentence. A semicolon is generally used to join two independant clauses (a clause with a subject and a verb -- it could make a complete sentence by itself), because the sentences are linked.

While I applaud you for trying to use the semicolon [ah, the poor underappreciated dear of a thing], in this case I think either a colon or a comma would be more appropriate.

2. I didn't know if your main character was male or female until she met up with Nils. I was really confused about it, because it seemed she was being hit on by the girls and then by the boys -- and I couldn't figure out which one she was. [img]http://otakuboards.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif[/img]


3. [quote=Clurr][/size][/font][font=Arial][size=2]
I opened my mouth and ran my tongue underneath one of my fangs. [i]Bite me.[/quote]
[b]Favourite. Line. Ever.[/b][/i]

It's teh awesome.

As for your concerns about swearing -- they're non-existant. Don't worry. XD
[/size][/font]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]i liked this one very much. As a personal hater towards people who think they're vampires and get it all wrong, I've always wanted to see how real vampires would react (though my personal vision has much more swordplay, hehe). I like the way Nils ans amelia interact (plus, I like the name Nils. Ever since I first saw it in Fire Emblem it's been one of my favorite character names.)

Your story is super-nifty despite it's brevity. I give it a high five. [/COLOR]

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]Oh, good. This must be my lucky week; I keep finding good stories to read in here. I can't [I]tell[/I] you how refreshing that is.

[quote name='Clurr][FONT=Arial][SIZE=1]There are undoubtedly gajillions of errors, and if you happen upon one, try to ignore it and continue. :][/SIZE'][/FONT][/quote]
Oh, posh. To both statements. Besides, I only have two little things?one's a bit nit-picky, true, but the other is purely informational.

[QUOTE][FONT=Arial][I]God damn it, Nils,[/I] I thought, [I]if you left me at this gathering of idiots...[COLOR=Red][B].[/B][/COLOR][/I] I rubbed my eyelids in frustration....[/FONT][/QUOTE]

The ending period isn't included in the ellipsis. So three dots beginning- and mid-sentence, and four at the end of one.

[QUOTE][FONT=Arial]Then came the muffled screams -- both of them simultaneously.[/FONT][/QUOTE]

I just got this bit straightened out myself the other day. There are two types of dashes: [B]em[/B] dashes and [B]en[/B] dashes. En dashes are used for conneting numbers or dates, like saying a meeting lasted from 1:00?2:00, or instead of a hyphen, like in "pre?Medieval years".

Em dashes are similar to semicolons. From the way you used this one, I assume you already know this, but I bet you didn't know that you can use Word to give you the right dash and copy-paste over to the OB. Word automatically corrects "p--p" to "p?p", and "p -- p" to "p ? p". Also, it seems that there aren't any spaces between words when you use the em dash?you just connect them, like so.

Like I said, I just learned all this the other day, so don't think I'm calling you a doofus or anything. I just want to pass on the knowledge.

Upon further thought, I will agree with the [COLOR=DarkRed]Lady A.[/COLOR] on your first sentence. Just a comma will do.

[center]--------------------------------[/center]

I thoroughly enjoyed the way you portrayed the stupidity of the vampire wannabes. It made me smile. (Without fangs, naturally.) I also liked seeing vampires as real people; Belá Lugosi's version is all well and good, but this seems much more authentic.

I will also [I]disagree[/I] with the [COLOR=DarkRed]Lady A.[/COLOR]'s second issue. I felt absolutely fine with the way Amelia developed; she felt pretty female-ish to me the entire time, so you're good. And vampires are reported to be rather ambiguous in their sexuality anyway, so I'd think that the wannabes would love the excuse for a bit of cross-teaming. (^_^)

[quote name='The Lady A.][FONT=Arial][B]Favourite. Line. Ever.[/B'][/FONT][/quote]
I'll second that. That rocked.

And I liked the line at the end. Finish with a song snippet, no?

Thank you for posting this. It was a pleasure.[/FONT]

[Claire]

[FONT=Arial]I'd just like to thank everyone who commented on the story. You made me smile so much that my cheeks hurt. :] I really appreciate the English help, too.

My friend asked me to submit this to my school's lit mag, so I did. I sort of envision people talking about it around me (of course, not knowing I wrote it; I asked my friend to leave it anonymous), and just thinking about what people MIGHT say after hearing others' thoughts makes me extremely excited.

This is just a short sub-story I had in mind one night; there is a gynormous story with a lot more characters and depth than what's present in this. I'm trying to write more substories, and possibly even the full story, so I'll definitely post what I finish here. :][/FONT]