Writing An Alien Secret [PG]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR=Blue]Her's a short story I made. It's my fisrst S.S so give me feedback please.[/COLOR]

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[FONT=copperplate gothic bold][SIZE=3][B][CENTER][COLOR=DimGray].:[/COLOR][COLOR=Blue]An Alien Secret[/COLOR][COLOR=DimGray]:.[/COLOR][/CENTER][/B][/SIZE][/FONT]


[COLOR=DimGray][CENTER]Samuel Norton was training with his sword. His friend?s eyes were moving around slowly.

Samuel Norton is no normal fellow. His destiny isn?t the same as a regular person?s. The Norton family has kept guard a secret. A secret which if leaked to the world would cause catastrophic results. Each 2nd son born from the last generation?s 2nd son has stood guard of it. The Norton family would be called strange by those who didn?t know.

I bet your dying to know the secret from the reading. Well you must promise not to tell.

The Norton family is not from this planet. They are from a galaxy far, far away. Not star wars far, but far enough.

Sam took a drink from the water bottle he had brought with him. He set it down and sat. He looked over to his friend Nathaniel. Nat was falling asleep. ?Hey Nat, you shouldn?t sleep in the forest. Bigfoot might come up and eat you.? Norton joked.
That?s real funny dude.? Nat sneered at Samuel.
A deer slowly stepped in front of the two boys. They were only 13. So they didn?t know much about wildlife. ?Hey cool, I think it?s a doe?? Sam guessed. ?Actually Sam, it?s a buck.? Nat answered the unasked question. ?How can you tell?? Sam asked. ?Look under it.?

Sam looked under the animal. ?No wonder.?

The deer ran away into the forest.

?Well Nat you better go home. I?m doing just that.?
Nat stood up. ?Fine I will. See you tomorrow.?
?Ya see you!? Sam replied.

Sam walked down a small path. He came to a stop near the steel bridge. He threw a rock into the creek below. Why do I have to protect our secret? Can?t I just be a normal teenager and not some guardian?

Samuel walked into the door to his house. Sam?s mother was cooking dinner. The kitchen was 5 rooms in size. Sam walked into the living room placing his book bag in the closet.

?Good at school son?? His father asked. ?It was good. Thomas and Cedric got into a fight today. They?re both suspended.? Sam?s father turned his head at Sam. ?You were gone a while. Where?d you go??
Sam sat on the coach and took his Gameboy Advance SP out from his pocket. The noise from his game ?Final Fantasy V advance? blared. ?I was hanging out with Nathaniel, why?? Sam asked. ?You know son, you must be careful. If they find out they and the whole town will chase us out. Maybe report us to the government.? His father?s words weren?t new. He?s said just that before.

?Dad, do I really have to become this? Mom is human and she accepts you and me for what we are. Why wouldn?t they??
?Because son, were not human.?

Sam jumped out of his seat and stood in the doorway. ?Dad, I want to be a normal teenager, not a guardian. You don?t understand.?

Sam ran off to his room. He put his pillow onto his forehead. He looked out to see the sun fall into the ground. The flames of destiny blazed with tenacity. The sky was lit scarlet. It looked as if the sky was bleeding. Invisible sorrow shot from the air, He watched longer as the sky turned from red to black. The stars were as bright as the day was short. They looked faint through the window.

A tear trickled down Sam?s face. It wasn?t long before his initiation was to be performed. He fell asleep.

The next day he returned to the house from school depressed. ?Hey mom.? He whispered as he walked in. ?Good afternoon honey.? She replied. He walked into the living room. He waited for his father to say something. But before that, Sam thought of the initiation.

The initiation was a ceremony in which the 2nd son was declared the guardian to the secret. The guardian just keeps the secret in his head and doesn?t ell a soul. During the initiation a branding iron with an alien signature is burned on the top of the head. During this time the person may not leave the house until their hair has returned.

Sam?s thoughts made him nervous. ?Hey dad??
?Son.? His father looked up. ?I?ve decided to stop the family secret. Don?t tell your son. I asked your grandfather and he said it was alright.? Sam?s hopes were answered. ?Thank you dad. And I love you.?
Sam?s father smiled. Love you to kid.?

Sam ran into his room and sat on his bed. Outside a storm was raging, lighting shot from the skies. The thunder shook the ground like an earthquake booming in god?s presence. The sun started to peer out of the darkness. As the clouds cleared and the sun set a tear of happiness ran down Sam?s face. ?I knew this would happen.? He said to himself. Samuel Norton fell asleep.[/CENTER][/COLOR]

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[COLOR=Blue]So was it good? If there's a mistake just try to get over it and read on. If there are sentence priblems, please, tell me Thank you.[/COLOR]

[Rachmaninoff]

You?ve got an interesting concept but it?s a bit lacking in its execution:[quote name='ForgotteÑ-HerÖ][COLOR=Blue][CENTER]Samuel Norton was training with his sword. His friend?s eyes were moving around slowly.[/CENTER][/COLOR][/QUOTE]The statement [B]His friend?s eyes were moving around slowly[/B], doesn?t really explain why his eyes were moving. Was he concentrating on Norton?s moves? That sentence needs to be clarified. [QUOTE=ForgotteÑ-HerÖ][COLOR=Blue][CENTER]The Norton family is not from this planet. They are from a galaxy far, far away. Not star wars far, but far enough.[/CENTER'][/COLOR][/quote]I?d drop the Star Wars reference, its not necessary in order for the reader to grasp the concept that the Norton family is from a galaxy far, far away. [QUOTE=ForgotteÑ-HerÖ][COLOR=Blue][CENTER]?Hey Nat, you shouldn?t sleep in the forest. Bigfoot might come up and eat you.? Norton joked.
That?s real funny dude.? Nat sneered at Samuel.
A deer slowly stepped in front of the two boys. They were only 13. So they didn?t know much about wildlife. ?Hey cool, I think it?s a doe?? Sam guessed. ?Actually Sam, it?s a buck.? Nat answered the unasked question. ?How can you tell?? Sam asked. ?Look under it.? [/CENTER][/COLOR][/QUOTE]Another issue is how you are running the conversation together; it needs to be broken up to make it clearer. Here?s an example of what I mean:

[SIZE=1]?[B]Hey Nat, you shouldn?t sleep in the forest. Bigfoot might come up and eat you.[/B]? Norton joked.

?[B]That?s real funny dude.[/B]? Nat sneered at Samuel.

A deer slowly stepped in front of the two boys. They were only 13. So they didn?t know much about wildlife.

?[B]Hey cool, I think it?s a doe?[/B]? Sam guessed.

?[B]Actually Sam, it?s a buck.[/B]? Nat answered the unasked question.

?[B]How can you tell?[/B]? Sam asked.

?[B]Look under it.[/B]?[/SIZE]

See the difference? Also you?ve got some semantics issues going on here. By having Nat answering the unasked question when Sam did indeed voice the opinion that it was a doe, you?ve contradicted yourself.

Also don?t use the number 13, actually spell it out. [B]They were only thirteen, so they didn?t know much about wildlife.[/B] It just looks better if you avoid abbreviations like that.

Anyway, there are other issues, but I am not an English major so other than to know it doesn?t flow right I couldn?t point all of them out to you.

But what I have suggested would go a long way towards making your story easier to read. ;)