Writing Dead And Living It Up [PG-L]

[Dragon Warrior]

[center][img]http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/2716/deadlivinggi3.jpg[/img]
[img]http://img264.imageshack.us/img264/8551/splashpj2.jpg[/img]
[b][u]The Cast[/u][/b][/center]
[img]http://img296.imageshack.us/img296/2104/kazukobq7.jpg[/img]
[indent][b]Name:[/b] Kazuko
[b]Member Based On:[/b] Kazuko
[b]Sex:[/b] Male
[b]Age:[/b] Early Twenties
[b]Role:[/b] Main character. In search of the witch who took his soul.
[b]Information:[/b] Nervous, fidgety, and sometimes awkward, Kazuko doesn't fit into society very well. His only true friend Joko has left him and now he's all alone to begin to work for his father's business. Upon making a fatal mistake, he drops dead due to a witch's horrible curse and he must journey to an isle far out in the sea called the Land of Broken Mirrors. He just wants his soul back.[/indent]
[img]http://img264.imageshack.us/img264/7631/jokopokoud3.jpg[/img]
[indent][b]Name:[/b] Joko Poko
[b]Member Based On:[/b] Jokopoko
[b]Sex:[/b] Male
[b]Age:[/b] Early Twenties
[b]Role:[/b] Kazuko's Best Friend
[b]Information:[/b] Between Kazuko and himself, he's definitely the cooler of the two. Joko can easily get the ladies--and men, if he wishes to. He's loved by all and is Kazuko's best pal. But sometimes things don't always go the way we want them to. Joko's father is a rich man and needs his son to help with the business on another island far away. Joko is called and must leave Kazuko behind for a while. With promise to meet up again someday, the friends part.[/indent]
[img]http://img411.imageshack.us/img411/8957/captainwv6.jpg[/img]
[indent][b]Name:[/b] ????
[b]Member Based On:[/b] ????
[b]Sex:[/b] ????
[b]Age:[/b] ????
[b]Role:[/b] ????
[b]Information:[/b] ????[/indent]
[img]http://img411.imageshack.us/img411/9572/ezekielbh7.jpg[/img]
[indent][b]Name:[/b] Zeke The Witch
[b]Member Based On:[/b] Ezekiel
[b]Sex:[/b] Female
[b]Age:[/b] Who The Hell Knows?!
[b]Role:[/b] Evil Witch, Villain
[b]Information:[/b] Ezekiel is a powerful witch, who happened to be in the forest near Kazuko's town one night when they encountered each other. Kazuko made a bad move that insulted Ezekiel and she decided to curse him by taking his soul. He was considered, by laws, dead. She fled back to her home in the Land of Broken Mirrors and now Kazuko must find her to defeat her and retrieve his soul.[/indent]
[img]http://img264.imageshack.us/img264/4056/albertflasherwg0.jpg[/img]
[indent][b]Name:[/b] Professor Flasher
[b]Member Based On:[/b] Albert Flasher
[b]Sex:[/b] Male
[b]Age:[/b] Fifties
[b]Role:[/b] Dirty, fat man who happens to be one of the most intelligent beings in the world of paranormal.
[b]Information:[/b] Professor Flasher lives in Kazuko's town. He's not very well-respected, despite his high intellect. Perhaps it's his constant turns of hitting on random women in the bars, restaurants, and occassionally the mothers at daycares. He may know a thing or two to help Kazuko with his dilemma.[/indent]
[img]http://img148.imageshack.us/img148/6136/whitezu6.jpg[/img]
[indent][b]Name:[/b] Captain White
[b]Member Based On:[/b] White
[b]Sex:[/b] Male
[b]Age:[/b] Thirties
[b]Role:[/b] Captain of the ship Kazuko takes to Land of Broken Mirrors.
[b]Information:[/b] Sassy, grouchy, badass. Captain White takes no beef from anybody. The high seas have toughened him up. Not even sailing to the Land of Broken Mirrors scares him. His moxy is unmatched.[/indent]

[size=1]This is my latest dark comedy, filled with the abnormal and intriguing horrors you all love so much. Interested? Well, the first chapter is about to begin. Let's get some feedback in the meantime, my good folks. This post will consistantly be updated with character bios and such. Thank you.[/size]

[Kitty]

[size=1]Though I'm normally not very present in the OB Anthology, I'm always interested in your stories, DW. :P

This one seems very different from your others, in that you aren't a main character, nor are you even listed in the cast (at the moment, anyway). I wonder how this 'twist' will affect the story this time around, eh? And speaking of the cast, I'm curious as to who the animal/pirate character is supposed to be. If it didn't have a tail and a pair of dog (or cat or whatever) ears, I'd say it was definitely you, being a well-known pirate fan here on OB. Then again, it could still be you. But meh. I'll let you reveal who he/she is (though I hate being patient >_<).

And I must say, I can't wait to see the grouchy, badass version of White and the witch-y Ezekiel. Those seem like odd personalities for those two, but I'm sure you'll be able to make it hilarious. xD[/size]

[Veritas]

[size=1][color=gray]Wow, thats all I can really say, that and I'm looking foward to this. I was expecting something good when I saw it was coming from you. Albiet I don't really know you but I've been around the boards long enough to know you make fun, interesting things. [/color][/size]
[size=1][color=gray][/color][/size]
[size=1][color=gray]Though I like how you've done character profiles including a picture, it adds extra comedy, my opinion. [/color][/size]
[size=1][color=gray][/color][/size]
[size=1][color=gray]It will be fun to see what other characters pop up in the future, as well as what member they are based off of.[/color][/size]

[Zen]

[color=darkred][size=1]

It would seem all of my pushing has finally produced something. I look forward to what this turns into. BTW- I can already tell who the known guy is. The tail, the hair color and ears... Yeah, doesn't remind me of anyone's constant avatar.[/color][/size]

[Revelation]

[size=1][color=#4B5B5B]My, you got this up quick. Well I'm looking forward to your latest production. I'm just dying to get to the satire. It'll be one heck of a story, I'm sure.[/size][/color]

[Dragon Warrior]

[size=1]Thanks for the quick support, everyone. As I promised, I'll get this started. Characters are mentioned in this chapter that aren't up yet with a bio. I'll get to that as soon as possible.[/size]

[center][img]http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/2716/deadlivinggi3.jpg[/img]
[b][size=3]Chapter One: It's Easier Creating A Good Chapter
Title When You're Drunk[/size][/b][/center]
[indent][size=1]Night had draped its blanket of black and stars across the sky over the island where the town of Charleston resided. A cold breeze swept through the forests surrounding the village, only slightly upsetting the silence that kept the peaceful townsfolk drifting in their sleep. A flash from the sky was visible, but no one was present to see it. It shot down and landed amongst the woods in a small clearing.

Slowing flapping its wings and panting heavily, a rather disgusting-looking creature flew towards the flash once it landed. No one could really make out what the thing was. Some sort of bat, maybe? Anyways, it landed next to the flash and gagged. The flash gradually dimmed until it was no more, instead leaving a woman in a robe present. The winged creature looked sternly toward this new visitor, who only smiled behind messes of wet, stringy hair. ?WTF, Zeke?!? the creature shouted. ?Why do you get to fly at the speed of light while I?m stuck flappin? muh wings??

?You?re lucky I gave you wings,? the woman snapped back. ?Let?s get going.?

?But now I?m tired,? whined the bat. ?And hungry. And I have to potty.?

?You should?ve made a stop for that.? Zeke began to make her way through the woods towards Charleston.

?I would, but I don?t even think you gave me digestive organs! I don?t know if I have a bladder and if that?s the case, I don?t know where the water goes when I drink.?

?Do you always have to whine, DK??

?Sometimes I wish you never brought me to life,? he cried.

?Oh, don?t say that,? Zeke grunted. She stopped and turned to the hideous bat.

?I?m a freak of nature, Zeke!?

?No, you?re not,? Zeke soothed. ?You?re?? She stared oddly at DK. Upon almost gagging, she turned her back to him and swallowed the throw-up she was about to chuck. Then she turned back and smiled. ?You?re gross.?

?What?!?

?I mean? you?re toast!? There was an awkward pause.

?That made no sense.?

?I know.?

?Just promise me when we get back to the Fortress Of Where We Do Evil Things And LOL, you?ll make me look better??

Zeke arched an eyebrow. ?I?m a witch, DK, not a plastic surgeon.? DK shut up for while, which was long enough to allow them to get to their destination. Around that time, the town of Charleston was just waking up for a brand new day.

This also happened to mean the bar was immediately open. Of course, with all the drunks in the town, the place was never closed. One town member who went by the name of Kazuko was shot and killed in this bar. This isn?t his story. There was another guy who also happened to be named Kazuko; this is [I]his[/I] story. In fact, that very day his friend Joko Poko wanted him to meet him in the tavern to discuss some news. Kazuko was on his way when he ran into the town weirdo, Petie.

?Where ya off to, Jebidiah?? Petie asked, chewing on a leather boot.

?Um.? Kazuko shifted to his left to try and avoid contact with Petie, but to no prevail. The man just stepped in front of him. ?My name?s Kazuko. And I?m on my way to the tavern.?

?THE SUN!? Petie shouted. Kazuko was startled and screamed like a girl (or like Desbreko, which could also be a similar comparison). ?The sun tells me that you?ll have to nominate Petie in this year?s Nifty Fifty.?

?Nifty what??

?Nifty Fifty,? Petie repeated.

?I don?t-?

?Nifty Fifty?? Petie said again, his voice fading as he disappeared into the shadows of a building.

?Okay, that was the scariest thing I?ve ever seen,? Kazuko said flatly.

?Zuko!? a voice called. Kazuko turned and saw it was Joko. He came running over. ?Where you at man? I?ve been waiting with some fine ladies.?

?Sorry. I got caught up in something? scary.?

?Well, hurry, before the girls get restless.?

?How do you always get girls, Joko??

?Man, they don?t call me Joko Poko?d-Your-Girlfriend for nothin?.?

?Awkward.?

Joko slapped an arm around Kazuko?s shoulders and started leading him toward the tavern. ?I?m jus? sayin?, I need to get you to live a little before I leave.?

?Before you leave?!? Kazuko shouted. ?What are you talking about??

?Oh, that?s what I wanted to talk to you about.?

Petie emerged from the shadows. ?Nifty Fif-? Kazuko knocked him unconscious with a stool.

?What do you mean? I don?t understand!?

?You were never meant to, Zuko. Goodbye.? With that, Joko made his way towards the road out of town.

?Wait, you?re leaving? I thought you had women.?

?Oh, yeah!? Joko said. ?I forgot. Let?s go get some.? He started to run into the tavern, but Kazuko stopped him.

?Joko, this is serious. Where are you going? When will you be back??

?My dad?s calling me in. He needs help with the business on the island of Yourmomgoestocollege. I?ll be gone for a few months.?

?What?!?

?But then I?ll be back.?

?This is ridiculous,? Kazuko whined.

?Stop it. You?re acting like a child.? Kazuko kicked Joko in the shin. ?Ow! Stop it!?

?You?re a big poopoohead.?

?I?m not going to leave our friendship like this.?

?There is no friendship.?

?You bite your tongue!? Women emerged from inside the tavern and clung to Joko. He looked to them, then back to Kazuko, who grimaced at the sight.

?You comin?, Joko?? the girls asked.

?In a second, babes,? Joko said. The girls went back in the tavern. Once they were gone, Joko grabbed Kazuko. ?Zukie, we?ve been through too much to end it like this. I expect to see you at the docks tonight before I leave.? Kazuko said nothing, but just stared. There was a silence containing awkward looks, sessions of Joko fixing his perfect hair, and Petie occasionally groaning from a possibly punctured lung. Joko finally broke the silence. ?Be there. It?d mean a lot.? He then turned back to the tavern doors and shouted inside, ?Ladies, get out of my head and into my bed! Woo!? He ran inside and Kazuko was left alone on the streets.

The rest of the day was somewhat awkward. Kazuko had a lot on his mind, particularly that he had a business to take over that very day. Suddenly, a man waltzed up to the very building Kazuko had work to accomplish in. He was very proper, fancy, and lanky. He peered at the building with an intrigued expression. ?Interesting. Most interesting.?

?Excuse me?? Kazuko asked.

?No, thank you,? the man replied without looking. ?I don?t feed stray dogs.?

?I?m a human.?

The man turned and stared queerly at Kazuko. ?Oh, so you are.? He grimaced. ?Not the best example of one.? Kazuko returned the hateful expression.

?Can I help you??

The man laughed to the point of nearly gagging. ?Ohhh, my good sir?no, wait? let me rephrase that? ohhh, my poor sir, what can you possibly do to help me that I can?t already obtain myself??

?You seem to be staring at my building quite intently spouting out words of interest.?

?Oh, my, you own this place?? the man said startled. ?Oh, amusing. Since when did the homeless get homes? I guess they don?t call you homeless anymore either, do they??

?Do you have business here?? Kazuko grunted, starting to show signs of aggravation.

?But, of course. I am Gavin Lynx Kane the 24th.?

?The pleasure?s all mine,? Kazuko mumbled.

?It sure is,? Gavin said snottily. He turned back to the building. ?I?m assuming you?re the homesitter for this building until someone with great class such as myself decides to purchase it??

?Actually, my father owned it until he recently passed. Now I own it, thanks.?

?Oh, yes, he is deceased, now isn?t he? And you say you?re the heir?? He tapped a long, spider-like finger on his narrow chin and pondered. ?Interesting. Most interesting.?

Kazuko held back the screams inside himself. ?I will not sell this building to you. It?s my father?s.?

?Interesting. Most inte-?

?Stop saying that!?

Gavin grinned deviously and tapped his cane on his heel. ?Perhaps I should tell you why you should sell this place? through song and interpretive dance!?

Suddenly music began playing and Gavin started to dance while, like he promised, singing.

?It seems to me,
That you may be,
The most homely,
Guy I may find.

But that matters not,
This house I sought,
It?s just as I thought,
And will soon be mine!?

Kazuko: ?Can you stop singing??

Gavin: ?No, I cannot!?

Kazuko: ?My ears are ringing.?

Gavin: ?This house shall be bought!?

Kazuko: ?You?re a dirty old louse.?

Gavin: ?Just do as you?re told.?

Kazuko: ?I cannot sell my house.?

Gavin: ?Yes, she shall be sold!?

Suddenly the townspeople emerged from their homes and began dancing and singing too. ?Yes, she shall be soooooollllldddd!?

Kazuko was startled.

Kazuko: ?What the hell? Where?d you come from??

Man: ?You should really ask your dad and mum.?

Townspeople: ?You?ll sell the house to make money for us!
But first we have to sing the chorus!?

Kazuko: ?Fuck, no.?

Townspeople: ?C?mon, Zukie,
Don?t be pukie.
Just sell that shitty house to Gavin!?

Gavin: ?It?s not bad,
It?ll make you glad,
With all that money you?ll be havin?!?

Townspeople: ?Just give in,
To Gavin,
So this song can then be done.?

Joko: ?I just banged,
Those two fine girls,
And [I]man[/I], it sure was fun!?

Kazuko: ?Joko?!?

Joko: ?Nope! Gotta go!?

Townspeople: ?Kazuko,
Don?t you know,
You can have a lot of gold.

So, c?mon,
Sing along,
That house is gooooing to beeeee sooooolllldddd!?

Suddenly everyone went back to work and returned to their normal lives. Kazuko blinked several times to make sure that really just happened. ?That was weird.?

?Well, now,? Gavin said, approaching Kazuko with a paper. ?Will you sign your grubby sig here??

?300x100 pixels only? What kind of banner restrictions are you trying to pull? No way am I signing my sig over there. My banner is at least 450x100.?

?Cut the crap and sign it!? Gavin ordered angrily.

?No!? Kazuko shouted. ?Now if you?ll excuse me.? Kazuko walked into the building and slammed the door in Gavin?s face.

?I will win, Karmokie? or whatever your name is.? The disgruntled businessman then picked up his cane and walked away. Kazuko watched him leave, then closed the blinds just as Petie hobbled by.

?That house is going to beeeee soooolllddd??


Later that night, Kazuko did as he promised and met Joko at the docks. He had to pass through the woods to get there and at night, it was a bit more difficult to get through the shrubs. He arrived on time, nevertheless.

?Hey,? Joko said. ?Bring any girls??

?What?? Kazuko scoffed.

?Haha, just kidding,? Joko smirked. ?But seriously.?

?No,? Kazuko grunted.

?Damn,? Joko muttered. ?Oh well, glad you came, man. This means a lot.?

?I just hope you?ll be back soon,? Kazuko said.

?I?ll be alright. And when I get back, we?ll get you some girls.?

?Great,? Kazuko said, enthusiasm not being one of the present traits in his tone.

?Hey! C?mon! They didn?t call me STD in school for nothin?.?

?Uh,? Kazuko looked worried. ?That?s not a good thing, Joko.?

?What are you talking about??

?Don?t you know what STD means??

?Yeah. Sure. Sexy Talented Dude.?

?Um, yeah.? Kazuko shifted awkwardly. ?Get back soon, man.?

?Stop worrying. You sound like one of my girlfriends.?

?One of them?!?

?Hey, I gotta go. Later!? Joko hopped on his ship and it set sail. The mist was out that night, so it wasn?t long before the boat was out of sight. Kazuko stood at the docks a little longer, then made his way back toward Charleston.

Once more, he had to make his way through the woods. Not an easy task. He began to forget where he was and the sounds made were creeping him out. One sounded like a wolf, another like a snake, and the scariest of them all sounded like bad stand-up comedy.

?Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ?PARKING FINE.??

?AHHH!? Kazuko screamed. He ran and ran until he eventually [I]ran[/I] into something. What it was was a disgusting bat creature. ?Ew, get it away.?

?I knew I was hideous!? DK shouted. ?I?m going to my room and listening to my Hilary Duff CD really loud and junk!? He then flew off.

?Crap, you upset DK. I just calmed him down.? Kazuko screamed again and turned to where the voice came from. He saw a witch. ?Hewwo.?

?Who are you??

?I am a witch.?

?You?re not going to turn me into a frog, are you??

?No. Why would?where did you hear that from??

?I saw it on a movie.?

?Oh, great, movies.? Zeke snorted in disgust. ?Of course, movies. If it?s in a movie, it must be true, right??

?Well, yeah. I mean, Fahrenheit 9/11 was pretty close to the facts.?

?Oh, don?t even get me started on that.?

?C?mon, he knew what he was saying!?

?He did not! He?how can you even say that?!?

?Because its true!?

?Oh, it?s true,? Zeke rolled her eyes. ?It?s not true.?

?It was! He totally showed the true Bush!?

?He did not. He just slammed him.?

?Whatever. You gonna turn me into a frog??

?Oh, you?d like that, wouldn?t you??

?Yeah!?

?I?ll just wave my fuckin? magic wand, your majesty! Want me to pull a rabbit out of my hat too??

?I?d like it, yeah.?

?Maybe a few card tricks as well??

Kazuko was stunned. ?Could? could you do that??

?No! Look, I?m not here to entertain you.?

?Why are you here??

?That?s not your concern.?

?Uh, it is now!?

?Uh, shut up! I?ll hit you!?

?Oh, what, with your flying bat monstrosity??

?You shut up! Shut up!?

?Make me!?

?I?ll flog you!?

?Over my dead body!?

?Done.? Suddenly, Zeke waved her hands and Kazuko dropped unconscious.


When he woke up, it was morning and he was in a daze. But he also couldn?t feel anything. He rubbed his eyes to adjust to the light of the sun that peeked through the canopy of the trees. Upon removing his hands from his eyes, he took notice that his eye came with his fingers. He held his eye up to his other eye and blinked. ?That?s different.?

He stood up and examined himself. ?I feel funny.? Sticking his eye back into its socket, he suddenly remembered what happened the night before. Staring at his pale skin that was barely clinging to his bones, then examining the fact that he didn?t die when stabbing himself (why he tried stabbing himself, we?ll never know), he made a realization.

?Fuck, I?m albino.?[/indent][/size]

[Redemption]

[size=1]*blinks..... blinks again*

Well... that was.... hmm...

It reminded me of Corpse Bride cross with some musical crossed with just plain randomness. With that said, I couldn't help but laugh. The story flowed well, even for its length. I thought that would put off people when they would read it but you'd finish it before you realised it. And the characters were hilarious.

Well done DW, you're the scariest, most random person I know.

*applause allround*[/size]

[Veritas]

[quote name='Dragon Warrior][size=1']?Fuck, I?m albino.?[/size][/quote]
[size=1][color=gray]Greatest line ever, EVER! I have to tell you I enjoyed this first chapter a lot. I liked how you opened the story with a metaphor. The story was very personably and very funny and as Redemption said random. I love how Kazuko is seemingly the only normal person, everyone else seems to be some form of eccentric or weird. [/color][/size]
[size=1][color=gray][/color][/size]
[size=1][color=gray]I think this will bring many laughs from me as well as others.[/color][/size]

[Zen]

[color=darkred][size=1]

Apart from a slight overuse of the word 'awkward', I think it was perfect. Genuinely funny and well written, I love style of humor. Can't wait for the next chapter, homes.[/color][/size]

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1]I would use my customary entrance, but for sake of sanity given it's repeated use I think I'll forego using it.

I like the premise behind the story, very Corpse Bride as Redemption already pointed out. I find my incarnation to be very Montgomery Burns/Ebenezer Scrooge like, which is a far cry from my usual odd-ball genius interpretation in these fics. I'm not complaining at all Gavin, it's just so new and different to the usual, that and I sing so rarely. Will I get that house or not I wonder ?

Like Mike, I think I know who the unknown character is already, a bit obvious from the tail and stuff.[/SIZE]

[Kenso]

[size=1]Man, am I glad I popped in here. Oddly enough, I've never popped into Anthology before. This, however, was well worth it. Amusing, yet oddly dark, and somehow coherent (I'm not certain how, but it just works). I'll be keeping an eye out.


On a side note, the albino line nearly killed me.
[/size]

[Dragon Warrior]

Thank you, all, for your support and comments. I have finally gotten another chapter done. Sorry it took some time to produce. I also have to work on those remaining character profiles. I do like how you all have opinions on who that mysterious character is ;) We'll see.

[center][img]http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/2716/deadlivinggi3.jpg[/img]
[size=3]Chapter Two: If You Think That Sucks,
Try Parting With Your Kidney[/size][/center]

[indent][size=1]It was gradually becoming apparent that Kazuko?s life really sucked. And when we say suck, we mean it sucks worse than that two-dollar hooker on Jefferson Street. It was [I]that[/I] bad. The fellas reading this know what I?m talking about. Maybe a few of the girls too? though, that would be slightly abnormal. Anyways, as I was saying?

?You are not albino,? said Professor Flasher, who was sipping at a large cocktail in the comfort of his home.

?Then what am I?? Kazuko whined. ?Whatever I am, I sure smell awful. I don?t think I?m John Goodman, though.?

?No, you?re far worse than any John Goodman,? Flasher said. ?You?re dead.?

[b]BUM BUM BUMMMM.[/b]

?Hey, I thought you said it was [I]worse[/I] than John Goodman.?

Professor Flasher sat up in his chair and closed the curtain beside him. He turned a nozzle near the fireplace and a flame erupted amongst the metal and tarnished wood. He gazed into the fire, his eyes clouding over in deep thought. At first, Kazuko thought he was about to have a stroke and took the safety precautions for that situation. Flasher just ended up tossing Kazuko into a pile of sharp objects. ?Get off!? he snarled.

?Sorry,? Kazuko groaned, pulling a spear out of him. Then he noticed something. ?Why do you have a pile of sharp objects anyway??

?Damnit, Kazuko,? Flasher swore. ?You?re dead. You shouldn?t be walking around Charleston like a regular person.?

?Why not??

?Because you?re not like a regular person!? Flasher exclaimed. ?You?re more like a nude Shy.?

Suddenly, as if on cue, a nude Shy walked into the house. ?Hey, guys. I?m quite nude today. Watch my dingle jingle.? He then proceeded to do some erotic nude dance. It was horrific.

?Okay, Kazuko,? Professor Flasher continued after impaling the nude Shy with several spears from his pile of sharp objects, ?we need to keep you hidden.?

?For how long?? Kazuko asked innocently.

?Forever.?

?Forever?!?

?Yes. Forever? is what I?d normally say if I didn?t have a plan. But I do have a plan.? Kazuko slapped his own forehead. ?You said it was a weird, robed woman who did this to you??

?Well, she smacked me,? Kazuko cried. ?Then I woke up with ouchies.?

?Hmmm,? Flasher hmmed, rubbing his chin. ?Ouchies, you say.?

?Yes.?

?Well, ouchies have nothing to do with it. She killed you, my friend.?

?With what??

?Not with what, but with who!?

?Eh??

?No, wait? that?s not right.?

?Professor, I?m befuddled.?

?Shush!? Flasher scolded. ?I know exactly what she did.? He went to his shelf and started pulling off random books. He tossed Kazuko one and nodded. ?That book explains it all.?

Kazuko read the cover. ??How To Get Your Man To Love You Despite Your Third Nipple??? He looked at Flasher. ?Professor? I??

?Give me that!? Flasher put it back on the shelf. ?I bought it for a friend one time.? He reached for another book and showed Kazuko. ?Here it is. ?A Witch Hit Me And Gave Me Ouchies?Now I?m Dead.??

?That title blows.?

?Shh!? Flasher hushed. He opened the book and found a particular page. Cliché dramatic music began playing in the background of the scene. ?Here we are. It says here that she has taken your soul. When your soul is removed from your body, you are automatically dead until your soul is returned.?

?Where do you get these books?? Kazuko asked.

?eBay. But listen here! It also says if you don?t retrieve your soul before your body decays, there?s no chance of life again.?

?Man, that sucks worse than that two dollar hooker on Jef-?

?No,? Flasher interrupted. ?That joke?s already been used this chapter.?

?Oh.?

Flasher stared down at the book again. ?Besides, she?s pretty good at what she does.?

?What??

?I said, you should go back to your place quietly and pack up for your journey.?

?Where am I going?? Kazuko asked curiously while being shoved toward the door.

?To the Land of Broken Mirrors.?

?Man, that name sucks. Why do all these names suck??

?I don?t know,? Flasher said. He put a cloak over Kazuko. ?This?ll conceal the fact you?re dead. It?s a magical cloth that covers your whole body and hides a dead person?s identity.?

?It looks like a normal cloak to me.?

?It isn?t!? Flasher argued.

?No, really, I think it is,? Kazuko insisted. ?Any cloak hides anyone.?

?Shut up and get out my door,? Flasher shouted. He shoved Kazuko into the street. ?Come back here when you?re ready. We leave tonight.? Then Flasher went and checked out the girls? locker rooms at the local fitness center. Perv.


After packing what Kazuko believed to be the essentials of a ?dead dude,? he made his way back to Professor Flasher?s place. It was close to 10:00pm. Without bothering to knock on the door, he waltzed in and caught Flasher reading a book. Kazuko automatically recognized it as ?How To Get Your Man To Love You Despite Your Third Nipple.?

?You said that was your friend?s.?

?It is,? Flasher defended. ?I was just skimming it.? He threw the book out the window, which then hit a stray Desbreko eating out of a trashcan outside. Flasher gathered a simple bag together and led Kazuko towards the door. ?Ready??

?What?s in the bag??

?Never you mind,? Flasher said. He then laughed quite loudly. It was almost evil. Not quite. But almost.

?What?s so funny?? Kazuko asked.

?Nothing. I just remembered an episode of ?Everybody Loves Raymond.? That guy kills me.? He looked at Kazuko?s dead expression. ?Oh. Sorry.?

They made their way through the streets silently, Kazuko once again concealed beneath the robes. No one was really out at the time. Most were in the tavern drinking or at home doing what Charleston folk do (watch ?Everybody Loves Raymond?). It seemed only a few wild Desbrekos wrestling together by a few shrubs were all that were present. That?s when Flasher and Kazuko were caught by a tall gentleman.

?Going somewhere tonight, Flasher?? said the man.

?Mayor Charles!? Flasher squealed. Charles was mayor of Charleston. Make sense, now?

?Yes, it is I.? He laughed like a small baby. Kazuko was a bit frightened. ?Where are you off to, Flasher??

?Nowhere, Mayor. Just a nightly walk.?

Charles peeked around the fat scientist and spotted Kazuko in the cloak. ?Who is that? Another Otakuwhore??

?Um?? Flasher sweated. ?Maybe.?

?O rly??

?Maybe??

?O rly??

?Maybe??

?O rly??

?Maybe??

?O rly??

?Maybe??

?Stop it!? Kazuko shouted.

Charles grinned. ?Fiesty, isn?t she? I better check if she?s worth your money.? Charles put two fingers to his mouth and whistled. Suddenly, a magical whale fell from the heavens and crushed the local drugstore.

?Yeah, Charles?? said the whale in a rather glum, scratchy voice.

?Oh, sorry, Shinmaru,? Charles apologized. ?I didn?t mean to call for you.?

?What?? Shin appeared offended. ?WTF, Charles??

?I?m sorry!?

?You know how hard it is to get here??

?What??

?I?m a magical whale, yeah. Big whoop. It still takes a lot of effort to come at your fucking call, ass.?

?I didn?t know.?

?You oughta! I live 50,000 lightyears away, Charles. I live on a planet where whales are king. People like you, Charles, don?t exist. If you did, you?d scrape the shit from my fin. That?s what you?d do, Charles.?

?I?m sorry! I didn?t know!?

?You make me sick, ass.?

?Look, Shin, I??

?Fucking humans.? Shinmaru the Magical Whale then took off in a fit of fairy dust and disappeared into the night sky.

?That was weird,? Flasher said.

?Okay, as I was saying,? Charles continued. ?I have a way of finding out if she?s worth your time.? He whistled again, this time having his pet Desbreko arrive at his side. ?This Desbreko has the best nose on this island, if not in the world. Sniff her, boy.? The Desbreko then charged at Kazuko, who, if he still had sweat glands, would be pouring buckets of the stuff. The Desbreko came right up to Kazuko, but passed him to instead go have wild, vigorous Desbreko mating sex with a female Des who, at the time, was eating roadkill. She was the most beautiful Desbreko he had ever seen.

?That?s fucked up,? Kazuko said flatly.

?Purple marmalade fairies of my pupil,? Charles swore. ?You win this round, Flasher.? The mayor walked away back to his mansion. Flasher wiped the sweat from his brow.

?What was that about?? Kazuko asked.

?The mayor hates me,? Flasher said matter-of-factly.

?Why??

?No time to explain. We?ll miss out boat!?


The two arrived at the same docks as Joko had left on. This time, a rather sea-worn vessel waited instead of a magnificent ship like Joko?s father?s. It looked as if it was about to sink at any moment. Kazuko was a bit disappointed. ?Please tell me my ship hasn?t arrived yet.?

?Nope, that?s her,? Flasher said with pride. The mast of the ship suddenly collapsed and crushed a Desbreko nibbling grass nearby.

?Oh, God,? Kazuko moaned.

A man dressed in complete white came walking out of the cabin of the ship. He waved a hand at Flasher, who returned the gesture. ?That?s your captain,? Flasher stated. ?His name is White.?

?How original,? Kazuko grimaced.

White approached the two. ?The sea is ready. Let?s get the $%#@ out of here.?

Kazuko was in total shock. White went back aboard his ship. Flasher could see Kazuko?s expression. ?Yeah, I know what you?re thinking. A real potty mouth. But he?s been on the sea for so long, he?s bound to be badass.?

?Um,? Kazuko muttered. ?Yeah.?

?Go ahead,? Flasher shoved Kazuko along. ?Get on the ship and have fun.?

?You?re not coming??

?Naw,? Flasher said. ?I have work here to do.? He then made a quick glance to his book ?How To Get Your Man To Love You Despite Your Third Nipple.?

?But I have no idea what I?m doing.?

?White does,? Flasher winked. Kazuko backed away, taking it as something sexual. ?Besides,? Flasher continued, ?what you need is all in that bag.? Kazuko looked to the bag the Professor had packed. He then looked to where Flasher was, but he was gone! No, wait, there he is. He?s at the dock?s strip club. Perv.

?Time to &*@#$%&% set sail, you *&@#$,? White said kindly.

?Why is all your stuff bleeped out?? Kazuko asked.

?*&$#*&% of I know.? The ship left the dock and they drifted into the mist of the night sea. Kazuko was a bit fidgety, worried about what he may find. He was unsure of what this adventure would bring. But something troubled him more than anything else; something he?d regret the whole trip.

?I should?ve got some McDonalds before I left.?[/size][/indent]

[Ezekiel]

[SIZE=1]Lawl.

I read through this after I woke up and then was sidetracked by the day's events. Woe.

I must be moving up in the world to be part of the main cast of one of your stories! I remember the days when I would be envious of those who were featured. =D

This is really quite hilarious, DW. I especially liked the conversation between Kazuko and Witchy-Zeke before she nuked his soul. That was pretty classy.

Also, the addition of drawings is great, as always, and I want to marry Captain White ;D.[/SIZE]

[Boo]

[size=1]Okay this is dead cool. [i]'Ha, a word joke,'[/i] you might think. But, seriously; it is. There are some priceless lines and scenes in this story and I could totally see this being done on stage (or on film) with the use of changing backgrounds and things.

For some reason I read the whole story out loud with the use of weird voices. It just happened as soon as Gavin's song began.[/size]