Writing W/out A Care (Poem) [PG - dark themes]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]I wrote this on a whim and liked the way it turned out. hopfully you'll feel the smae way, lol. Also, please R&R. no one ever replies to my poems/songs and it makes me sad. If you don't understand it at first, think of the last stanza as a decoder.

[B]W/out A Care[/B]

Below the world of avarice
To solemn eyes and poisoned kiss
Dismay between two golden rounds
Like my voice there are no sounds

Beneath the mire I loose my faith
Along the river a prowling wraith
Upon the bridge where I have wept
Along the valley we are swept

I haven't an ear for a doubtful soul
Tasting the heavens, their lack of control
From my hands this instrument
A waft of perfumes without consent

Bodies line turbulent seas
So much the mind forgets what it sees
Life blood pools in city streets
Stifling rhythms of different beats

Night and day eclipse the heart
Ending before it learns to start
Without a care marying death
Heaving a longing final breath

A lie be told that sorrows are gone
Battles fought were never won
Lick the pain from earth or brain
Die happy, the world insane[/COLOR]

[Claire]

[FONT=Arial]This is very good! The rhyming worked out just fine and the rhythm is mostly consistent - there were just a few places where it didn't flow so well, most notably in the line "Without a care marrying death." Unfortunately, I'm going through a dry spell right now, so I don't really have any suggestions on how to improve it any. It seems to be okay as far as English stuff goes, but I'm not really an expert on the subject.

I could see these becoming lyrics...then again, I see everything called a "poem" as lyrics...[/FONT]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]thanks!!! It's near impossible to get criticism for my work, so your is appreciated! I think I'll change 'marying' to 'engaged to'. As for it being lyrics, this is actually one of the very few works that I didn't intend to be lyrics, but I could definetally use a combo of the poems to make a song of some sort.

Well, I was really bored and wanted to write a sequel to this poem that more explored it's dark side (the subject matter is dark itself, but I tried to focus on the lighter side with part one.) So, while both are about finding happiness, this one is more directed towards the sacrifices involved. I may consider a third if I decide it's incomplete. Also, I changed the rhyme scheme for no reason.

[B]W/out A Care 2[/B]

There is only ice
While flames expelled feel spite
Somber shadows dance
Drenched, so wet they can't ignite

Belay the captain's call
All you fortify shall break
We meander in the shallows
You lie face-down in the lake

What clipped my head was pain
Now the water calls me forth
Chlled by bony fingers
Bodily nature divorced

Every sigh of unfound passion
Wither now forgotten hope
Peace belongs within the teeth
All these snaps, this shredded rope

Welcomed now to hatred's side
Floating heads will tell you this
Without a care; laughter eternal
You smoke agonizing bliss

In retrospect, I like the first one a little more, but I love certain lines in this one, namely 'we meander in the shallows, you are face down in the lake'. I got chills when I wrote that lol.

EDIT: Here's the final part. It's the ultimate end of all life. All three will be combined and turned into a single song for future use. Also, I wrote a retooled version of part one for a school poetry contest.

[B]W/out A Care 3[/B]

Force of all impending
To which starts will find their ending
Sun in palms; piquerous shames
We have doused the final flames
What without a day won't rise
We bid away the ground and skies
Calamity my fateful game
Insanity my rightful name

Northern lights can't offer guilt
Capsuls sunk once turned from milk
Macabre desires grow
Smell the salts we ebb and flow
Deeper within cover your eyes
Deeper still how you despise
Calamity you now must know
Insanity we all forego

Lick the pain from earth or head
Can't wait to see it all dead
Lick the pain from earth or head
Can't wait to see it all dead[/COLOR]

[Lord Of Terror]

Very nice poetry, I am somewhat of a poet my self :animesmil a few years of experience teach well, I suppose I like it because I relate, if you would like me to post some of my poetry tell me but I wouldn't want to post any if you just wanted people to R&R your work.

-Miatsu