Writing Long critique anyone?

[Water fox]

I have a story I'm working on I'd like someone to read. My computer has issues so some of the words are invisable and my spell check doesn't work, but I really just want to know what you think of the story overall. Plot, descriptions, etc. Post for link

:catgirl: OMG IT HAS KITTY EARS!!!!!!!!! *dances with joy*

[Water fox]

Well I suoppse I could just post it here, however it would be freakishly long... O_O
Oh well. XD
*Goes off to copy and paste*




Journey Part 1

. "Larien! Slow down!" The little boy was racing down the road far ahead of his mother, his dirty brown hair blowing in the breeze. He turned to face her, breathless and giggling, and was surprised to see the stern look on her face. He immediately slowed and fell into step with her, his gaze falling to the ground.

He knew better than to worry his mother, but he just couldn't contain his excitement. He was finally being allowed to the market! Most days he had to stay at home, inside, and away from the windows. Why he wasn't sure, but his mother had said something about the men that often patrolled the streets. They carried various weapons, and a large shield with the symbol of the king, Rydal. They would sometimes stop and talk with people, laughing and smiling, he didn't see what was so dangerous about them. Most of the time however, the men would hurry out of his village, as did most others.

The village sat about a mile south of Kitsen, a large and elegant coastal city, which had been built in order to defend the merchant's district from pirates and raiders. The organized streets and buildings were surrounded by a thick outer wall, which was constantly patrolled by archers and guards. Inside was the market, filled with shops and peddlers carts, behind the great city stood the brilliant mansions of the merchants and traders. The only city in all of Roeth more beautiful was the capital.

In contrast the little village in which he lived was nothing but a cluster of crooked fisherman shacks. It was randomly criss-crossed by sloppy gravel roads, often muddy from the sea's storms, and ditches filled with stagnant water and trash. As such it was look down upon by the rich of the larger cities. Even the ragged and weary travelers would often add another day to their journey just to avoid it.

As Larien and his mother got closer to the city they met more and more people on the road. Most had come from the north, some in caravans carrying large bags of goods for trade. Almost all were riding on horseback or in carts, none were walking, like he and his mother. Larien would look up and smile at them as they passed, but very few returned his gaze. Those that did looked down at him with distaste. A few rode past in extravagant carriages, wearing in beautiful robes and dresses. As they neared the city his mother slowed, and then stopped all together.

. "Mama, what's wrong? Why did we stop?" said the boy.

. "We're waiting for more people to pass before we go inside."

. "Why?"

. "It's just... Well because that's the way we have to do it."

. "Why?"

. "Because, dear. Now please hush." They waited for what seemed like an eternity. After awhile another large caravan could be seen making its way slowly up the road.

. "Keep a tight hold on my hand and follow me. Try to be quiet, please?" He nodded.

When the group had gotten closer, his mother suddenly side-stepped and began walking along with the crowd. The little boy was somewhat confused, but at least now they were moving again. When they reached the gate the group stopped. A guard appeared at the top.

. "State your business." He seemed bored. Someone near the front of the group yelled back to him,

. "We're craftsmen from the north, sah! Here for trade!"

. "Very well."

The gates began to creak and whine as they slowly swung open.




Part two

Once they were all inside the city, the great gates began to close. They were only on the very edges of the city, but the streets were still bustling with people. As the rest of the caravan moved ahead, Larien and his mother stepped into a narrow side street. They followed mazes of twists and turns, until finally, at the far end of one of the streets, it opened into the huge market, filled with throngs of people.

The boy's excitement rose again. He could see bunches of other children running and playing in the square. He began to run, but his mother quickly grabbed his arm.

. "Wait!" she said urgently. Realizing she may have been to harsh she calmed down. "You have to be careful here, okay?"

. "Why?" Larien asked. His mother sighed.

. "I know you don't understand," she said to him, sinking down to look into his eyes, "but you need to listen carefully. There are people in the world now who don't like our kind, they're afraid of us. They'll take you away if they find out our secret."

. "Afraid of us? What do you mean mama?" She sighed.

. "You'll understand better when you're older. Just stay close to me, and listen to what I tell you. You'll be just fine." She smiled at him softly and kissed his forehead as she stood. She took his hand again as they stepped out into the crowd, heading for the small herbal shop where his mother worked.

Inside there were plants of every color, and for every use. Greens, reds, oranges, even some blues and blacks. The variety of plants were amazing. He'd never seen so many in one place. His mother broke him out of his awe with a gentle tug on his hand as she walked towards the back of the building. They headed for a small door on the back wall, barley visible behind all the plants and ivy.

This room was a lot less interesting. It had plain white walls a low ceiling, and a cold, tiled floor. It almost reminded him of a box, but for the pair of large double doors off to the side. The old herbalist, Adela, was standing at the doors, quietly talking to one of the guards, who appeared to be off duty. When she heard them come in she quickly said goodbye to the man.

. "You're late Riena." she said to them bluntly, without so much as a glance, "I've already had some customers today, catch the records up." With that she walked out of the room, into the front of the shop. Larien had already decided he didn't really like her. He glanced up at his mother, wondering if she thought the same, but she just looked down at him and smiled.

. "I have work to do now, try to find something to entertain yourself for awhile, and I'll take you to get something to eat later."

After sitting in the small room for what had seemed like forever, Larien had learned two things; number one, there was nothing worth looking at on the bookshelves, and number two, he had better be quiet or that lady would kick both him and his mother out of her shop. He lay on his back, spread out in the middle of the cool floor, a relief on such a hot day, and stared at the ceiling. He found that if he stared long enough, shapes would appear. So far he had found a horse, an arrow, and several other odd shapes.

He flipped over to his stomach; the game had already become boring. He sat up and began toying with the necklace he wore. His mother had given it to him recently. She said it was a symbol of power, that it was a treasure, and he should wear it always. It was a small, pure silver leaf with thin veins of gold, and it hung on a small silver chain. Just as he was about to ask his mother when they could leave, Adela opened the door.

. "I have some errands to run. Come up in front and run the shop while I'm gone."

. "Excuse me miss, but what about supper? My son and I haven't eaten since-"

. "You'll leave when I allow it, and no sooner." With that she slammed the door. Riena stood and gathered the things that sat on the desk in front of her.

. "Well, at least there's a bit more for you to do in the front." she said as she stood. He thought she looked tired, but there was nothing he could do for her. It seemed like she was tired a lot. He often wondered if it was his fault.

There wasn't anyone in the front room when they walked out. His mother went and sat down at the counter and continued to work on the papers she had. Since the herbalist had left Larien walked around looking at the large assortment of plants. On some there were large, brightly colored flowers, others had small fruits hanging from their branches. On a few of the plants he found small lizards. Some were red, others blue or green, and some even changed colors. He picked up one of the color changers and sat on the floor for awhile, playing with it. He put it on different leaves and flowers, watching it change. However, that quickly grew boring too.

He stood at the window watching all the people pass. There were several children running around the square.

. "Mama," he said, turning to face her, "Can I go play please?"

. "No dear, just wait a little longer. We'll go soon, I promise." he sighed. He'd already known that's what she would say, but yet had hoped for a different answer. He walked off into the aisles to play with the lizard. To his surprise, he found a door. He could sneak out without his mother even knowing. He knew he shouldn't, but he was sick of being stuck inside. Quietly lifting the latch, the door swung open, and he stepped outside.





Part 3

As he turned to go back inside the shop, he noticed a large stack of crates sitting near the door. This gave him an idea. One by one he un-stacked the crates, until he reached the largest one on the bottom. He tried to lift it, but it was too heavy. Most likely filled with jars of herbs.

Sitting down near the crate, he pressed his back into it. Slowly it began to skid across the ground, and then suddenly slipped and shot up against the wall.

Larien smiled as he re-stacked the rest of the crates, forming a small stairway. He was finally free! Standing on top of the last box, he could just reach the top of the wall with his hands. He grabbed the edge and pulled himself up.

Black, red, and brown, heads bobbed every which-way. People bustled along the roads, some laughing and , taking their time. Others hurriedly rushed to wherever they needed to be going. Some were white, others a deep tan. There were both men and women, long hair and short, while no face was the same they all seemed to flow and blend together, like waves on the sea.

He watched them for a moment, trying to build up the courage to jump down. When he was sure he was ready, he squeezed his eyes shut and slowly slid onto the very edge of the mortar, with one final push, he slid off the wall.

. "Ah!" Instead of hitting the ground, Larien had landed on top of another boy, who had cried out. The other boy sat up and rubbed the back of his neck.

Larien's face flushed a deep crimson. He looked like a beggar compared to this boy. The boy was wearing a light blue cloak, and what looked like brand new pants. On his feet he wore soft leather riding boots; a merchant's son. Wearing nothing but an old dirty tunic, his pants being to short, and his toes starting to come through his cheap cloth moccasins, Larien was ashamed.

The other boy broke him out of his thoughts. "What were you doing up there?" he asked, looking up at the wall. Larien wasn't sure what to say.

. "Well," he stammered "I-"

. "Dylan!" a voice rang out from up the street. The boy looked surprised.

. "She caught up with me already!?" he mumbled to himself. The boy stood and turned to go, glancing back at Larien.

. "Aren't you coming?" he asked. Larien was surprised, but not wanting to be left alone, he quickly followed. The boy smiled at him, then turned and ran, with Larien following close behind. The boy suddenly turned into an alley and ducked behind an old broken crate.

Both boys crouched near the ground, breathing heavily. Larien didn't know why they were running, or who was following them, but he didn't care. He'd spent so much time alone that it didn't matter what he was doing, as long as he had someone to do it with.

. "So," the boy said, still panting, "I'm Dylan, What's your name?"

. "Larien." He said simply. They sat in silence again. "Why are we hiding?" Larien asked

. "Well my father had to bring some of his goods to the market toady, so I-" He immediately fell silent as a small stepped into the alleyway.

. "Dylan! I know you're in here, I saw you. I don't want to play this game anymore, it's not any fun at all." she complained. Dylan sighed and stood up.

. "You always ruin everything Ana." he said, as he stepped out from behind the crate.

. "Daddy said you had to play with me, and I don't want to play tag." she pouted. Larien quietly stood of to the side.

. "This is my little sister, Tirana." Dylan said, "Tirana, this is Larien." Tirana said nothing, she just stared, an unreadable expression on her face. He again became conscious of his dirty clothes and hair. Dylan elbowed her in the ribs.

. "Say hello!" he hissed.

. "Hello," she said, "So pleased to meet you." She stumbled a little as she tried to curtsy, her dress catching on a nail sticking out of a nearby crate. She fell to the ground in a cloud of dust.

. "Mothers not going to be happy, that dress was brand new. Now you've gone and dirtied it all up." Dylan said as she stood.

. "It was an ." she replied, "and besides I wearing them. Come on lets go see if daddy's finished yet." She grabbed her brother's hand as she ran out of the alley.

Dylan stumbled forward as his sister yanked on his arm. "Ana! Wait!" He turned to Larien. "You can come too." he said with a bright smile.

Larien briefly wondered if he should go back to his mother. After all she would notice he was missing eventually. He stood there pondering it for a moment, and then followed Dylan down the street.





Part 4

As the children had run further into the city, Larien had slowed. He now stood at a distance, watching them as they raced towards their father. He was a tall man, handsome, and well built. He spun around when the children reached him, scooping Tirana up into his arms and onto his broad shoulders, while she giggled hysterically. Then he wrapped his large cloak around Dylan, who complained a bit, but did so with a smile.

As Larien watched he felt a pang of jealousy. They all looked so happy together, that was something he would never have. He had never met his father, or known what it was like to have one. He never would.

Larien turned and began to head back the way they had come. He didn't belong with them. When he started to go he heard someone shout his name. He looked over his shoulder and saw Dylan waving at him with a bright smile. The three began to walk towards him. For a moment Larien was tempted to run, but he didn't.

."Father this is Larien." Said Dylan. Larien looked down at his feet, expecting the man to scowl at him and shoo him away. When nothing happened Larien looked up. Instead of acting bitter, the man placed a gentle hand on his head and smiled down at him.

."Hello Larien." He said. "You know it's about time for supper. Would you like to come eat with us?" Surprised by the man's kindness, all Larien could do was shake his head.

."Well alright then." The man said with a smile, "We're off!"

They bought fruit and roast meat, and sat to eat near the fountain in the center. Larien was sure he'd never tasted anything so wonderful in his entire life.

."I have a few more things I need to take care of before we leave" Dylan's father said as he stood. "Take care of your sister." He said looking at Dylan.

."Yes sir." Dylan said with a slight frown. His father tousled his hair a bit before walking off. They sat and finished their food quietly.

When Larien was finished, he sat back and watched the people pass. He noticed a group of strange men heading toward the fountain. They wore hooded cloaks, each a different color. Larien couldn't make out their faces. Dylan suddenly stood.

."Let's go." He said, voice shaking a little. So he had noticed them too.

."Wait I'm not finished yet." Tirana said, still staring down at her food. Larien stood now too.

. "Ana! It's the slavers!" That made her look up. A startled look crossed her face and she stood. One of the men, this one in a purple cloak, grabbed her from behind.

."What a pretty little ," he said, running his fingers through her curly hair, "I wonder how much your daddy would pay to get you back?" he chuckled.

."Let me go!" she screamed, legs kicking wildly as he lifted her into the air. Larien stood where he was, frozen with fear. Dylan charged at the man.

."Leave her alone!" he said, preparing to hit him. Another slaver, wearing a dark green, stepped in front of Dylan, pushing him back. Dylan fell backwards, but quickly got up and charged the man again. This time the slaver was less friendly. He kicked Dylan in the stomach, sending him sprawling backward, then hit him hard in the side of the head. Dylan crumpled to the ground and lay still.

."Dylan!" Tirana had tears rolling down her cheeks now. Yet another man in black stood over Dylan with a dagger. Larien desperately wanted to do something, but he couldn't move. Why was no one helping them? Where were the guards?

."Stop!" he screamed. There was a brilliant flash of blue. All three of the men suddenly lay on the ground. Tirana knelt over Dylan, tears still falling. Larien suddenly felt dizzy, he felt someones arms wrap around him. His mother. She looked worried. Larien's head was spinning, his vision going blurry.

guards came out of nowhere, grabbing his mother. They jerked her back and revealed her sharply pointed ears. Larien sat up. There was a guard coming towards him now. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. His mother was reaching for him as the guards took her away She was saying something, but he couldn't make out what it was.

."Run!" The word broke through the haze. "Run Larien!" This time he listened. He spun around and took off, running through the streets and alleyways, away from the guards and his mother.When he was sure it was safe, he stopped.

It was dark now. Larien had no idea where he was, except that he was in some alleyway or backstreet. He slumped against the wall feeling all his energy leave him. The world suddenly tipped crazily, and everything went black.





Part 5

Larien woke to find himself in a dark, unfamiliar room. The only light came in a thin stream underneath the door. He sat up to get his bearings, and every muscle in his body complained. His legs buckled as he tried to stand,and he fell back onto the bed. Flopping back onto the pillows, he lay still. Why was he so weak?

As his eyes slowly adjusted to the dark, he realized that there was someone in the bed across from him. He sat up again, much to his body's disapproval. It was Dylan, still unconscious. His ribs and right arm were tightly bandaged, and there was a large bruise on the side of his head, but his chest rose and fell steadily. A shadow brushed past the door, muted voices following it down the hall outside.

."Will Dylan be alright?"

."Yes Astena, the boy's fine. Just some cuts and bruises." The shadow approached the door. "Just let him rest for now." Larien recognized one of the voices as Dylan's father, but he didn't know the other. The shadow left the door and continued down the hallway.

."He's still young, you shouldn't push him so hard Rukin!"

."Calm down. He's plenty strong, he can handle himself."

."If it hadn't been for that boy, our son, and most likely our daughter, would have both been killed!" The other voice must have been Dylan's mother. Larien assumed the boy they were talking about was him, but what had he done? As far as he remembered, he had just stood by and watched.

."But their both fine! Stop your worrying, just relax." Any other words they spoke were lost as they walked down the hallway.

After a time, Larien stood again, this time holding the table near his bed for support. His legs seemed to be alright for the moment. They still hurt, but at least he could stand. He peeked around the slightly open door, wondering if anyone was still around. Standing at the end of the long, empty hallway, Larien was awestruck. Beautiful pictures hung on the walls large brightly colored carpets adorned the floor, tickling his bare feet as he dragged them down the hallway, sometimes tripping on the long pants he wore. He wondered down the brightly lit hall, stopping every so often to look at a picture or peek into a room.

At the end of the hall hung a huge full length mirror, reaching from floor to ceiling. He was surprised by his appearance, it almost looked like someone else entirely. This boy was well dressed and clean, there was no smudges of dirt on his face or clothes. His face was longer, with more defined features, and his choppy brown hair was streaked with red highlights. Most striking were the pointed ears that stuck out beneath his hairs broken ends.

Just like mothers

Larien reached up and felt his face, just to be sure this boy was indeed him. He stood there a long time, just staring at his reflection, trying to break through the haze in his mind and remember what happened.

. "What are you doing?" The voice startled him, turning, he saw Tirana standing behind him. He didn't answer, he merely stared at here, feeling awkward. He noticed she was wearing his necklace. She must have realized he was looking at it, because she took it off and held it out to him, somewhat reluctantly.

."Here, this is yours, the maid nearly tossed it out with you things. I thought you might want it back." She mumbled, as Larien reached out to take it. Glimmering in his palm, he stared at the small leaf.

. "Daddy will want to talk to you, now that you're awake." She turned and walked away from him, a soft smile on her face. Larien wanted to say something to her, anything, but no words came. He wasn't even sure whatever he said would be the right thing. The emotions swirling inside him, warming his chest, they were foreign, and he didn't understand them.

. "Wait!" she looked back at him over her shoulder. "y- you could keep if you really like it..." Larien blushed and looked down at his feet, holding the necklace out at an arm's length. Tirana's face lit up as she took it.

. "Thank you. If you're sure you don't want it."

. "I'm sure, you can have it. Um, which-where's your father? You said he wanted to see me."

. "Oh! Here come this way." Tirana reached out and grabbed his hand, leading him back down the hall. They walked quietly for awhile, feeling a bit awkward. Larien tried to break the silence.

. "How did I get here? I don't remember much, I'm not even sure what happened in the square."

. "I don't know what happened either, but thank you for whatever you did. Daddy might be able to tell you something. As for how you got here, he went out to look for you, he didn't want the guards to find you." She stopped and pushed a door open. The large cherry cabinets and desk were all he could see. Other than the furniture, the room was empty. "He must be in the bedroom, it's just a bit down the hall." she turned and said to him, letting go of his hand. "I'm going to go check on Dylan. Come and find me when you're done talking, alright?" The smile she gave him made him blush again.

. "Alright." Larien mumbled. In his embarrassment he quickly turned and headed down the hall in the opposite direction. He heard muted voices in the room close by, and was about to open the door, when one of the voices elevated to a yell.

Rukin, if you don't stop doing things like this then someone will end up getting killed! The king's guard is all over this city, and they know what you're doing!" It was the woman's voice from earlier.

. "Astena I haven't the slightest idea what your talking about, I haven't done anything wrong!"

. "Nothing wrong!? What about that boy you brought here? If anyone comes looking for him and they found here, we'll all be hanged!" Larien was shocked by this. It was his fault? What had he done? Maybe this was what his mother had warned him about.

. "There's nothing wrong with the child!" Rukin's was yelling at the top of his voice now. "All I did was help the poor boy! He's living, he has a soul just like the rest of us! That damned Rydal treats his kind like the plague, and he's brainwashing everyone into thinking the same!" It was silent for a moment, then the woman stormed out of the room and marched down the hall, not even glancing at Larien. Larien peered around the door frame and saw Rukin sit down heavily on the bed with a sigh. Larien stood there for a second, wondering whether he should enter, or just leave. He was about to go, when Rukin looked up and saw him.

. "Larien. Come in, I wanted to talk to you." Rukin leaned back against the head board of the bed, looking tired as Larien stepped slowly into the room.

. "Yes. Tirana told me to come. She said...she said you might know what had happened."

. "Well, I know a bit, but not enough to explain all of what happened." Rukin replied, Larien's gaze fixed on him, waiting for an answer. "I'm sure you've noticed your body's change, that's from the magic you used earlier today. "

. "I," Larien interrupted, "I can use magic?"

. "Under normal circumstances you wouldn't have been able to. Most of your kind don't learn to use it until they're about 16, when they hit pub3rty, hence the change in your body. What I don't understand is how you were able to use it, you being so young. I'm even more surprised your body could hold up under the strain of it. It should have killed you, yet here you are." Rukin stood and smiled, placing a gentle hand on Larien's head. The two walked out of the room and were met in the hall by one of the maids.

. "Sah, there's guard at the door, they say they wanna speak wit' you. Kiri's havin trouble keepin' 'em outside." Rukin's smile dropped, his face now completely serious.

. " I'll speak with them. Quickly take him with you," he said, shoving Larien forward. "I'll need two packs, about a weeks worth of supplies. Hurry now, and when you're finished meet me near the back gate."

XD So I just pulled it straight off my web page, which has issues, hence the invisable words, periods before quotes etc, but yea... re-read the first post...

[Revelation]

[color=#4B5B5B]Welcome to [B]OB Anthology[/B] and the [B]Otakuboards[/B], [B]Water fox[/B]. If you haven't already, check out the [URL=http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313][B]OB Anthology Basics[/B][/URL] sticky. You should also read the [URL=http://www.otakuboards.com/rules.php?][B]Rules[/B][/URL] of OB.

Anyways, included in the OB Basics sticky is what's called a [B]Rating System[/B]. It's used to determine the maturity of a thread and without one, the thread will be closed upon sight. However, the good news is that you can recreate your thread with the proper rating.

Also, in the Rules you'll find that double-posting is considered spam. If you need to, you can always edit with the Edit button located at the bottom right corner of your post.

If you have any questions, comments, etc., PM me or Lady Asphyxia. =]

[B]THREAD CLOSED[/B][/color]