Writing Persevere and Avenge [M-VLS]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR=Blue][B]Prologue[/B][/COLOR]

[COLOR=Blue][FONT=copperplate gothic light] My life was stopped sort when I was but a teen. At the age of fifteen, I saw a tragedy unfold before my very eyes. My love, Cassandra was the only thing I had. She relied on me, as did I rely on her. We were living alone in the outskirts of the city. The kingdom, unbeknownst to us, was searching for my beloved. She was actually the princess of the kingdom. She denied going back to the kingdom. The knights grew furious and soon... they killed her in front of me.

Why did they? I still don't know for sure what the true motive was to kill her. Yet, I vowed to live long enough to find out. So I will persevere through life, as I will soon avenge her. [/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=Blue][B][CENTER]Chapter 1: Ilo and Trachos.[/CENTER][/B][/COLOR]

[FONT=copperplate gothic light][COLOR=DimGray]Trachos walked around in circles waiting for a signal. He was at a station waiting for the airway train to pick him up. His blonde hair swayed in the wind, is blue eyes wondering around, searching for the train. Sitting on a bench, Ilo sat watching Trachos pace around. Trachos' cape was draped over his right shoulder, and his collar was big for his shirt. Ilo shook his head as he scratched his left cheek. Ilo was the 19, the same age as Trachos. Yet he had much more facial hair, he wore shorts and a small leather jacket, while his shirt was a white tank. He didn't look like the fancy type as Trachos did.

"Shouldn't you stop pacing," Ilo said with a raised brow." I mean, you won't be making any difference in time. You?re no magician."

Trachos rolled his eyes. "I know but still my next clue is in that town. Eastren, her birthplace." Trachos raised his arms as his tension grew larger. "I can't take it anymore! Why has it been so long for a stupid train?" Trachos thought aloud.
Ilo shook his head once more. "We've only been ere' alf' an our', why can't you be more patient?!" Ilo yelled in a tongue, he wasn't able to say his H's very well as the first letter. No one knows why, not even him.

Suddenly over the horizon, the train came into view. Trachos' eyes flared like two gigantic flames. "Finally, the train! Come on Ilo. I need to get this info about her. ?Ilo walked over to Trachos. ?I?ve been meaning to ask you, why do you call your old girlfriend, 'er. What's her real name anyways?" Ilo asked.
"Oh her name, was...ummm, Cassandra Bellings. I don't like saying her name that much."
"Oh, I see then, to many bad memories about the girl right? Don't answer that, wouldn't want you to tear up like when we were at that other town yesterday."
Ilo walked towards the end of the platform. ?Well, we better get this gravy train a moving. Wouldn't want to waste any time."

Trachos nodded. "Yeah, I guess so." Soon the two entered the train. The sun set beautifully, the scarlet rays grasping the horizon like fire. The skies were pink like hearts scattered across a blue piece of paper. [/COLOR] [/FONT]

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I got word from Tekkamon that it was really good. I fixed the seperation/joining problems. I hope chapter 2 goes this well.[/CENTER][/COLOR]

[Tekkaman]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=2][color=black]I like it, Hero. You did great -- really. You had little to no spelling errors and I like the way the two characters are developing in you first post. Really, good job.[/color][/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=2][color=black]Criticism wise, you may want to seperate/join the descriptive parts of your sentences a little more...[/color][/size][/font]

[color=#696969][font=Palatino Linotype][size=2][color=black][QUOTE] [/color][/size][/font]
[font=Palatino Linotype][size=2][color=black]Trachos' cape was draped over his right shoulder, and his collar was big for his shirt. Ilo shook his head as he scratched his left cheek. Ilo was the 19, the same age as Trachos. Yet he had much more facial hair. [b](Join here)[/b] [/color][/size][/font][font=Palatino Linotype][size=2][color=black]He wore shorts and a small leather jacket, while his shirt was a white tank. He didn't look like the fancy type as Trachos did.[/color][/size][/font]
[font=Palatino Linotype][size=2][color=black][/QUOTE] [/color][/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=2][color=black]...and seperate/join the character's speaking parts as well...[/color][/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=2][color=black][QUOTE] [/color][/size][/font]
[font=Palatino Linotype][size=2][color=black]"Shouldn't you stop pacing," Ilo said with a raised brow." I mean, you won't be making any difference in time. You?re no magician."[/color][/size][/font]
[center][font=Palatino Linotype][size=2][color=black][b](seperate here)[/b][/color][/size][/font][/center]
[left][font=Palatino Linotype][size=2][color=black]Trachos rolled his eyes. "I know but still my next clue is in that town. Eastren, her birthplace." Trachos raised his arms as his tension grew larger. "I can't take it anymore! Why has it been so long for a stupid train?" Trachos thought aloud.[/left]
[/color][/size][/font]
[font=Palatino Linotype][size=2][color=black][/QUOTE] [/color][/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=2][color=black]...so other members can understand what's going on.[/color][/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=2][color=black]Other than that, i wanna see more. :animesmil[/color][/size][/font] [/color]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR=DimGray]Thank you, Tekkaman. I really apreciate the help and feedback. Now the hard part is what others may think. There are people who are way beyond us two in matters of storywriting. I'll wait to see what happens. Here's chapter two. it took me an 45-60 minutes to type. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.[/COLOR]

[COLOR=Blue][B][CENTER]Chapter 2: Eastren, and the Kidnapping of Alvosh Renue[/CENTER][/B][/COLOR]

[COLOR=Blue]During the night a small suburban town came into view. What Trachos thought would have been there, it wasn?t. He expected to see small homes for only six to twelve acres large. Yet the town only had three houses. Ilo stood up after taking a nap. He scratched his butt and proceeded to yawn. ?Ey? what?s the matter with this place ?ere? If it?s Eastren, the place is smaller then my Aunt Gertrud?s garden. ?Ell it?s smaller than my ?ouse.? Ilo sat down on the train?s bench.[/COLOR]

[COLOR=dimgray]Trachos? eyes were still staring at the homes. ?What a minute. Here has to be more. Maybe this town has two parts to it?? Trachos sat down as well. He saw that Ilo had dosed off once more. ?Hey, Ilo, you should wait a while. Maybe this place has an inn?? Ilo?s eyes opened wide. He jumped in shock. ?What?s going on! Is there a monster in the train? I?ll kill it!?
Ilo was never good with waking up. The simple yell of his name startled the living hell out of him.

The train came to a stop and Trachos got off, while Ilo followed. They walked around the town for about a minute when suddenly buildings popped up from nowhere.

?What the heck just happened?? Ilo hollered. Soon a little old man came up to the two. His back hunched and his arms like noodles flailing around in soup. ?Ah, I see you?re not from around here. That was the town?s defense barrier that made the housed disappears. Only good people see what?s beyond the walls.? The old man informed. Trachos spoke up. ?What?s you name?? He asked. ?Sorry forgive my rudeness, I?m Jedyuert people just call me Jed. If you need a place to stay you are more than welcome to come over to my home. It?s almost midnight and I was just walking back from the market.? Trachos nodded. ?Thank you Jed. We would be honored.

?Oly? crap, man! That?s one big house.? Ilo yelled. ?No shit!? Trachos replied. The house in front of them was golden-brown. The pathway was covered by flowers. The house stood three stories. ?I forgot to mention young men, I?m also the mayor.? Jed announced.

The three walked in to a warm house. The living quarters was brick and wood, furnished very well. Lying in the middle of the room was a table that connected to the dining room. Obviously the dining room was important to the living room. The hallway leading into the living room had pictures of Jed when he was a baby, all the way to his current age. Then fallowing that was the picture of a young man. His blonde hair was spiky coming from the sides and his bags were well trimmed. He wasn?t smiling, more like pouting. His eyes were oddly red.

?Wow old man!? Ilo yelled. ?You have a pretty nice place here.? Trachos hit Ilo upside the head. ?Don?t call him old man, Ilo that is rude.? Jed chuckled loudly. ?That is okay, that too is a nickname giving to me, from my grandson no less. I take it as an honor, not an insult. Now shall we sit down in the living room?? Jed asked.

?So boys what are your names??
?My name?s Trachos Arthur. I?m just a teenager from the town of RioHeim.?
Ilo sat down and smiled. ?The names Ilondercraft Van Randem, and that?s just my first name! But just call me Ilo, there Jed.?
?So what took you two fine men out to such a quiet village like this?? Jed asked. Trachos frowned. ?Well we were told there?s a person here that used to work at a kingdom in the south. He was a great magician too. You see my first love; Cassandra Bellings was killed by the kingdom?s knights. I want to know why. She was the princess.?

Jed looked at the ceiling. ?Ahh you must be talking about Hughes Travestra. He?s not here right now, but he will be back next weekend.?

?I see. Hey Jed, who was that young guy out in the hallway? He was the last picture in the hallway.? Trachos asked.
Jed wiped his eye and shifted around his chair. ?That?s my son?s son, Alvosh Renue. His father was killed in a massacre. As for Alvosh, he was recently kidnapped. We only know the person used to be in the crusades twenty years ago. I miss him dearly.?
Trachos stood up firmly, his eyes broad with both anger and bravery. ?I?ll find him for you. I don?t want others to lose loved ones like I did.? Jed nodded. ?That?s alright; he?s a master magician, trained by Hughes. He can defend himself.?

Trachos patted the old man on the shoulder. ?Who cares of he knows master magic. He?s your grandson. We?ll save him just hold on to your beard tightly.? Trachos smiled at the old man with trust sparkling from his face. ?Fine then, sleep here for the night. I have more details for you in the morning. If you want to make food for yourselves, you?re welcome to. The guest rooms upstairs have kitchens. Make yourselves at home. Ah, I shouldn?t forget. Take the bag with you. It contains potions for healing mana and health.?

Trachos smiled again and walked upstairs onto the room. Ilo followed,

?Nice of the old codger to give us a room for the night. ?E?s sure a good fellow.? Trachos nodded as he turned off the lights. ?Goodnight Ilo, we have a journey ahead of us.?[/COLOR]

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Does anybody see improvement with my writing skills in this piece? I do.[/CENTER][/COLOR]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]I'm mildly impressed! This is actually readable, coherent... it's like you leveled up! Good job. I'd rank this around the skill of 'cliche anime script' or so.

I'd say you still have a long way to go before you're gradeworthy though. Your sentence structure is what's really annoying here. You always have. One sentence. For each attribute. of a character. See how annoying. It is? You gotta combine a lot of your sentences, like Tekkaman said.

Also, while at times you can be decsriptive, there are others where you're jumpy. You need to work on being consistently descriptive, and prioritive where descrioption is necessary.

For instance...

[quote name='forgotten hero']Ilo was never good with waking up. The simple yell of his name startled the living hell out of him.[/quote]

Not important.

[quote name='forgotten hero']?What the heck just happened?? Ilo hollered. Soon a little old man came up to the two[/quote]

Way too sudden.

Your characters are fairly cliche as well, although that's something you may want to worry about after you're done fixing the current issues you have.

Another thing, it's important to get a feel for each new area. They may not have spent much time in that magically appearing town, but if you don't describe it we;ve got nothing to go on. I'm still clueless as to the time where this takes place.

And if you're going to describe the place, do it as they arrive. There have been times when I've asked you to add something and you do it in the next chapter where we needed it in the previous one >_<

In any event, you're improving a bit.

EDIT: Oh, and you spelled persevere wrong in the title, lol[/COLOR]

[Aberinkula]

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[FONT=papyrus][CENTER][SIZE=3][B][COLOR=Blue]Chapter 3: The Odd Ransom[/COLOR][/B][/SIZE][/CENTER][/FONT]

[FONT=copperplate gothic light][CENTER][SIZE=2][COLOR=Blue]Trachos woke up and got out of bed, slowly his body cracked from the bottom of the spine, up. He walked over to the bed Ilo slept in, his feet making no noise at all. ?Ilo, wake up.? Trachos said softly.
Ilo?s eyes opened. He let out a yawn. ?Five more minutes.? He ordered. Trachos? head shook. ?We have to find Jed?s grandson, Alvosh. You have to get up now.?
?Trachos, we ?ave no weaponry to bring with us, we could get killed, or worse.?
?What?s worse than death?? Trachos asked. Ilo sat up rolling his eyes. ?Don?t know, I wasn?t thinking on the right note.?[/COLOR][/SIZE][/CENTER][/FONT]

[center][font=copperplate gothic light][SIZE=2][COLOR=DimGray]The rooms blue walls were very light, due to the rising sun. The light got into Trachos? eyes; he was forced to back away. ?Just get up!? He commanded. The boom from his voice made Ilo?s ears shudder in fear. ?God darn it, you?re a little loud there, Trachos.? Ilo ran to put on his shirt. ?Fie we?ll get moving. But first we ?ave to see ol? Jed for a minute.?
?I know Ilo, sorry, I?m just in a hurry that?s all.?

The two walked down the spiral staircase. Jed was standing near the fireplace loading wood; he turned to Trachos and Ilo. ?I see you?re up boys. Please, sit down; I have something I want to talk about.?
Jed sat down on the chair, as so did Trachos. Ilo just stood, scratching his left cheek.
?I told you guys I?d tell you more about the kidnapping. Well here goes. He has a ransom on him, twelve thousand dollars. But, the town doesn?t pay taxes to me or the country. It?s a measure during times like this or town took. Yes, the government does know they signed a petition about it.? Ilo nodded at Jed. ?On with it already, we?ve ?eard enough about the town.?

Trachos smacked Ilo upside the head. ?Quiet, don?t be so rude, got it?? Trachos demanded. Ilo nodded ?yes?. ?Well if you need to know more, this note has the information.? Jed said, as he handed Trachos a letter. Trachos read it aloud.

?Dear mayor,

We have your grandson. If you want him back pay us 20,000 dollars in cash. Our location is the old saw mill at the gates of west Eastren. If you don?t we will abandon your son at your residence within the next month. He will be safe and sound till the end.?

Trachos looked over the note carefully. ?That makes no sense. There going to return him within the month, unharmed. What kind of criminal would do something so, so? dumb. Unless something here?s missing.? Jed took back the note. ?Yes but we need him within the weekend, or the town will be evacuated. It?s another agreement from the government. This has gone on for a week now. Plus the new mayor will be chosen that same day.?

Trachos nodded. ?Okay we?ll go, but we don?t have anything to defend ourselves with, let alone fight.? Jed went over to a closet and put a key in the door. It opened showing a hallway. Trachos, Ilo, and Jed walked through. The interior was steel yet golden. And the walls had nothing more to show. The ground was steel and gold as well. The walls had weapons lined up and down them.
Swords, axes, knives, staves, whups, anything you could utilize. Jed walked up to them. ?You may choose a weapon, each of you.? Jed gestured them over. ?Ilo, you have any skills with weapons?? Trachos asked. ?Yup, whenI was a kid, my friends and I would fight each other with toy sword or anything.? Trachos nodded. ?Okay, well I?ll choose??
Trachos looked around. He saw a broadsword shine in the right hand corner of the room. ?I?ll choose htat broadsword.? He said. Jed brought it to him. Ilo pointed to an ax next to Jed. Jed knew what he wanted, and handed it to Ilo.

?Hey Jed, I?ve been eaning to ask you. If it?s alright with you and Alvosh, may he help us on our quest?? Trachos asked. ?Well under the circumstances, it is possible. I can pick someone else to be the mayor. If it?s alright with him.? Trachos nodded. ?Okay, well we better get going.?

Trachos and Ilo left for the outskirts of town, the first headed to the west gates.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/font][/center]

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[SIZE=3][CENTER][FONT=papyrus][COLOR=Blue][B]Chapter 4: the first battle, and a memory reborn [/B] [/COLOR] [/FONT][/CENTER][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=copperplate gothic light][CENTER][COLOR=Blue]Trachos and Ilo walked down the path as the sun shone in their eyes. Yet from the blue horizon gray clouds were astir. The cave was a few more miles west, but once in a while the two stopped to rest. They also scanned the area for animals. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=DimGray]Soon they got to the cave. It was pretty dark inside, but luckily Trachos had matches to light a torch. They heard from inside, a couple of voices. The kidnappers no doubt. Trachos was ahead of Ilo, but their distances weren?t that far apart.

The voices got louder and the two got even quieter. Soon they were in front of a light room. The voices stopped. And footsteps replaced them. Trachos? heart pounded as Ilo?s did too. The door opened and Trachos trampled down a man, He looked down to see the person get up. The man had a flail in his hand. Ilo fell to the ground suddenly and Trachos, of guard, was pushed back.

?I see we have two maggots. Which one to kill first?? The man said. He chuckled manically. Two men beside him came closer to Trachos. ?But who are you?? the man asked. ?Never seen your face before? Are you her for the blonde?? Trachos smiled evilly at the man ?Well what?s your name? Not very much ?gentle? I see!? Trachos sneered at the man. ?ha-ha! Foolish aren?t you.? The man bowed. ?The name is Hugo.?
Trachos burst into rage and slashed one of the man?s helpers. The power of the slash was brutal. No one could survive from such a blow. Yet instead of dying on the spot, the man flew across the room and slammed into the wall. ?What the hell was that!?? Hugo yelled. He looked at Trachos? arm. His wrist was golden brown. And his fist was glowing red.

?Well, I could asked myself that!? Trachos laughed. ?You think it?s funny? Don?t be stupid. My power might not be able to challenge that.? Hugo stepped back so did his helper. ?Sir,? the man said. ?I don?t think we will survive this one!? Hugo jumped into the air and picked up Trachos from the hand. He tossed Trachos to the ground. Hugo put his foot on Trachos. Yet the young adult wouldn?t give up so easily. He got up from under the kidnapper?s foot. Trachos grasped a shovel, probably used to dig through the cave by the kidnappers. He smacked it upside Hugo?s head, full force. Hugo jerked back and fell onto Ilo. Ilo just regaining conscience.

?Wow man, you smashed this bloke upside the ?ead.? Ilo laughed out loud. But Trachos approached the other man. ?D-d-don?t k-kill me sir!? the man cried. Trachos? eyes were blank. In a flash of power, Trachos punched the man in the stomach, Trachos knuckles burst with a red light. He soon picked up the defenseless man by the neck. Trachos started chocking him. Trachos laughed ominously. ?Stupid fool, you can?t defeat one from the Domega kingdom!? Trachos sneered and pulled back his fist. He punched the kidnapper 5 times before tossing him into the air. Like the speed of a bullet, Trachos kicked the man. The air cut the guy in half. And Trachos punched the man?s torso, straight of his legs. The dead corpse lying in a pool of blood.

Trachos stepped behind him, looking at Ilo. ?What are you doing Trachos?? Ilo asked. Trachos let out a sigh and pulled his fist back again. This time at Ilo. Just then a ball of fire hit Trachos on the back. He fell to the ground, while his eyes turned back. Standing behind him was none other than Hughes. The sage Jed told them about. Plus Alvosh stood next to him chained.


Trachos was having a dream. A kingdom stretched around the landscape. A battle below the blue. A solitary man, or child to be more accurate, was standing in a meadow. He pulled his fist back and smashed men into the dust. Ripping them in half and throwing them around like dolls. A sneer across the child?s face. The kid took a man off his stead and tossed him into the air. The child jumped up and smashed them man downward into the others. Blood drenching the child?s clothes. It was Trachos when he was 10.

Trachos awoke in Jed?s house. He was covered in crimson. The soul of the man he killed was also drenched on his clothing, and his mind. Trachos remembered everything that had happened. He was shaking, crying. He had his arm in a weird binding object. He looked around the room. What the hell have I done?[/COLOR][/CENTER][/FONT][/SIZE]

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[COLOR=blue][FONT=papyrus][B][SIZE=3][CENTER]Chapter 5: Melony. Domega, and some new answers[/CENTER][/SIZE][/B][/FONT][/COLOR]

[FONT=copperplate gothic light][COLOR=Blue][CENTER]Trachos woke up later that day. He wasn?t weak at all, but he was still a little bit achy in the head. But that didn?t stop him from seeing the others. Ilo was talking with a girl. Blonde and scarlet, her hair color, eyes: blue. Yet she looked younger from the others. She was wearing a shirt like Ilo?s. Could it be Ilo?s sister[/CENTER][/COLOR][/FONT]

[center][COLOR=dimgray][font=copperplate gothic light]?Hey Ilo, who?s this young girl?? Trachos asked. Ilo nodded his head and stood up. ?This is my sister, Melony. She?s only 13 so don?t say anything bad in front of her.? Ilo walked over to the kitchen and was talking to a gray haired man. It was the local town sage, Hughes. The man Ilo and Trachos were looking for.

?Hey Ilo? Who?s this man?? Trachos asked. ?Sorry, I forgot, this is Hughes. E?s here to talk with you.? Ilo informed. The man was tall and his shoulders were broad. ?Eh,, so your Trachos. I hear your searching for you old girlfriend?s killer. Well I?m sorry, but the information you got was misleading. But I do know where a girl quite like her was spotted. People say she?s in the kingdom of Domega right now. But it?s just a superstition .? Hughes sat down at the kitchen table. ?Well, that?s prefect. I just needed something to go for. Now that I remember it, Domega is my hometown. My brother s the heir to the throne.?

Hughes and Ilo stared in awe. It was as if Trachos was some kind of monster. ?Your from Domega?!? Hughes scrambled around the kitchen. ?don?t mean to kill the mood there Trachos, but Domega?s been. Well, turned into a graveyard.? Ilo put his head down. ?So your that Trachos. Don?t you know? You?ve been labeled as missing for about a decade. After your father?s hanging, you were found knocked out by a friend of mine. He took you to Rssencronce, a small town in the countryside.?

Ilo nodded his head. ?So you also don?t know the other thing, do you Trachos?? Ilo asked. Trachos just stared off into space. He shrugged, ?No.?

Ilo didn?t want to say it but, what else could he do? Let Trachos go unknowing? Perhaps even to his death? ?Trachos your brother Prince Diacen, was also labeled. As a mass murderer. When he witnessed your father?s hanging, he went nuts. He killed everyone in the kingdom. Except for his younger brother, Trachos.? Trachos shook his head. ?That makes no sense. I don?t have a brother. I know my father was hung but-?

?You?ve lost your memory Trachos. It seems that after the incident you gained it back, partially.??
Trachos nodded in disbelief. ?What incident. All I remember was waking up recently covered in blood. I cried because I was confused. But what happened??
?Well Trachos, your ?and went all red and you cut a guy in half, with your leg.?

Trachos looked at his hands. ?But how??

?I know that answer.? Said a voice from afar. ?Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. I?m Alvosh Renue, the guy you saved.? Alvosh walked into the living room. Melony?s ears pricked up. She blushed by the sight of Alvosh. Alvosh was by the looks, a pretty boy. He was just like his picture, tall and handsome.

?Trachos is it? You?re the one who is supposed to be the heir to the battle throne in Domega. Your power to fight with your hands are extreme. You see the people of your kingdom, including Diacen and your father, are filled with a special ?Husangeneia.? It?s a big word for, genetic power. It?s Domegian language.?

Trachos looked at the ceiling. ?it?s a big world, isn?t it?? His rhetorical question rang through his ears over and over. He wasn?t effected by this new information at all.

?Trachos, your not effected by this news are you?? Ilo asked.

?No, because to get this information I?m going to Domega. It?s a long ways away, but luckily my mind is somewhat refreshed. I know exactly where to go. Amazing isn?t it? One little slip of the fist and were going to my homeland. ?

Ilo looked at Trachos as if he said something awkward. ?We?re going now, pack your bags. Alvosh are you coming with us? We could use a magician for our quest.? Alvosh nodded. ?Why not, Jed is sleeping still and it?s best to let him stay mayor. Who knows? Maybe Hughes will become the new mayor. Plus I could use a little sight seeing. For a while at least?

?Well, Hughes, tell Jed that we left okay?? Ilo asked. ?Will do.? Hughes replied back.

Trachos mumbled a little. ?I?m afraid were in for something longer that ?a while?.?

Melony stood up and jumped in front of the others. ?Don?t forget about me!? She hollered. ?We can?t have a little girl with us. First of all ,why are you here anyways?? Trachos asked. ?I?m running away from the academy I went to. But just my luck to run into you guys.? Trachos nodded and smiled. ?Hughes, she?s staying ?ere for a while okay?? Ilo asked. ?Sure thing there, have a safe trip.?

For some reason it seems that Melony won?t stay behind
forever.[/COLOR][/font][/center]