Sheltering Issue

[cancer]

[COLOR=Black][COLOR=Blue][SIZE=1]Okay, so I have a friend who is nineteen years old, and she still lives at home; it's the only place she has to live while she's in college. However, her parents still treat her like she's a little kid. She can't talk on her own phone past nine p.m., she can't go places when she wants, and who knows what else. Because of how much her parents (who adopted her btw) have sheltered her, she doesn't know what an adult should. She doesn't know how to do things on her own, basically, such as work an ATM machine or even kiss. When I ask her why she follows all of these rules when she's nineteen years old, she says because she's living under her parents' roof and must follow their rules. Her parents have even threatened to send her away across the country to some "place" because she doesn't know how to function well in society. I think it's obvious that her parents have an issue with sheltering her. I wish there was some kind of advice I could give her to help her in this situation. Does anyone have any advice I could give my friend?[/SIZE][/COLOR][/COLOR]

[Sandy]

I think the most problematic thing here is that her parents accuse your friend of having no social skills, when in fact they are the cause of that. I don't believe they're doing it out of malice, they are just afraid of losing her to the cruel world outside their home.

The most basic solution to your friend would be to move out - she's 19, old enough - but if she lacks the basic social and practical skills - not to mention the support of her parents - to do that, it might be difficult. I don't know in what age young people are emancipated from their parent's care there, but in my country it's 18, after which they have no legal rights over the young person.

I don't know what else can [I]you[/I] do, cancer, except help your friend to become an independent person. [I]Show[/I] her how to use the bank automat, [I]encourage[/I] her to participate to the daily chores, [I]teach[/I] her everything you know about filling in forms, applying for jobs etc. Maybe, just maybe, her parents will start to see what a capable person she really is, and loosen her leash. ;D

The whole situation is quite ridiculous, actually, and that's exactly why teenagers rebel against their parents at that age - to avoid getting stuck in the childhood. Apparently your friend just skipped that phase...

[Adahn]

[font=Tahoma][size=2]I have to live at home right now, too, and it really does suck to be treated like I'm still a kid. I spent a year on campus, though, and was able to develop my own individuality.[/size][/font]
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[size=2]So, there are a couple things your friend can do.[/size]
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[size=2]First, she can work very hard to get scholarships. If she can get enough financial aid through loans and scholarships to live on campus, then she can go live on campus. Even if it's for just a year, it should give her enough of an experience to go back home with some experience with independence, which could allow her to stand up to her parents in such a way that they'll still want her around. So long as she lives at home, though, she's going to have to tolerate being treated like a child.[/size]
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[size=2]Secondly, she can get a full time job over the summer, and save all of her money so that she can live on campus the next year. It will be hard, but if she wants independence, she's going to have to sacrifice her time for it.[/size]
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[size=2]There is no easy way to get out of your parents' house, especially if you go to college and don't have very much money. If she really works at it, I think she'll be able to succeed.[/size]
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[size=2]On a side note, I can't WAIT to be out and living on my own. Hopefully by this fall, I'll live with my wife (not married yet, but will be soon enough!) on campus, and never have to rely on my parents for a roof over my head again.[/size]

[Haibara]

In a way I am like your friend, I'm 18 and don't really have very good social skills. My parents just recently divorced and I live with my mom and little brother and it has become a real pain sometimes. I don't have a job but I am looking and my mom is trying to push me out there into the world but because I lack social skills its hard for me. I grew up sheltered and recently developed a mental condition called Agoraphobia which is basically an intense fear of being trapped in particular places and situations or of not being able to find help if I experience anxiety or a panic attack. This fear is usually centered around being alone in an open area or being in a large crowd and therefore those with this phobia try to avoid such situations altogether because such situations cause notable anxiety or panic. This has affected my life greatly because most of the time my attacks accured while I was driving or when I was in a large store. I do take medication now for it but sure it prevents an attack but it can't block my fear.

Your friend may be ruled by her parents but I am ruled by fear, with a little help from you I think she will be just fine.

[Sandy]

[quote name='Haibara']I grew up sheltered and recently developed a mental condition called Agoraphobia which is basically an intense fear of being trapped in particular places and situations or of not being able to find help if I experience anxiety or a panic attack.[/quote]

You must mean claustrophia. ;D

Agoraphobia is the fear of open and crowded places.

[Delta]

[COLOR=#656446]You know, if it's social skills you lack, you could always try to, you know, talk to people. It ain't something you're born with really.[/COLOR]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]Cripes, let her move in with you! If you've got a friend in need, it should be no seond matter! Take her in! Let her help you around the house and stuff! At 19, she doesn't have to do anything her parent say, so let her come live with you, help her get on her own two feet, and then when you've got her walking, let her go off onto her path.[/COLOR]

[Ellerby]

[QUOTE=Sandy]You must mean claustrophia. ;D

Agoraphobia is the fear of open and crowded places.[/QUOTE]
[COLOR=DimGray][FONT=Tahoma]It's both, actually. Agoraphobia can also be the fear of leaving a safe place, such as your house. Because of this, you feel trapped in your house.

My advice to you, cancer, is to tell her to move out with a couple of her friends. That way she isn't completely on her own, there are people there for support so she can learn the ways of the outside world, and her parents can't treat her like a child. 2007DB said it pretty well, I think.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Gavin]

[quote name='White][COLOR=DimGray][FONT=Tahoma]My advice to you, cancer, is to tell her to move out with a couple of her friends. That way she isn't completely on her own, there are people there for support so she can learn the ways of the outside world, and her parents can't treat her like a child. 2007DB said it pretty well, I think.[/FONT'][/COLOR][/quote]

[SIZE=1]Can't really say any more than that, she needs to built up some independence from her over-protective parents while at the same time having somewhere she feels safe as she is assimilated into the wider world. It'll be hard on her at first, given how sheltered she's been, but she'll work through it eventually and be better off because of it.[/SIZE]

[AzureWolf]

[COLOR=maroon]Frankly, I doubt the situation is as bad as it seems to you. Everyone has stuff they complain about, but that doesn't mean they want some drastic changes to fix it. I'm sure if the parents adopted her, they won't be quick to toss him/her out.

Everyone acquires different social experiences and views, so being "sheltered" isn't a big deal.[/COLOR]

[James]

[font=arial]The question I have is - and this may have been covered to some extent already - does your friend actually want more independence? Quite often people who live very sheltered upbringings simply don't know any different. The shock only hits them when they get out into the real world and realize how poorly-equipped they are to deal with a variety of circumstances.

If she's aware that she is being sheltered and if she wants to get out of that situation, there are probably a few things she can do. The first and most obvious thing would be to pursue some sort of work, even on a part time or casual basis. Having her own financial resources will help her to be more independent and responsible - it will also give her an opening to other things (alternative accommodation at some point, for example).

Ultimately if your friend wants to remove herself from that situation, it can only happen under her own steam - as long as she knows she has friends who support her, she should be fine. I'm sure it will happen sooner or later.[/font]