Self Confidence

[cancer]

I know that social skills aren't something you're given at birth, but I really have a problem socially I think. I like to talk to people, and never have a problem with conversations when I'm talking to friends, but I have a problem with starting conversations or going up to new people, and this sucks because there are many people I'd love to talk to but just feel too shy/akward to talk to them. Does anyone have any advice to help me out?

[Funny Girl]

[COLOR=Magenta]Well, I'm probably the right or maybe worng person to talk to about this issue. For me, I love to meet people and by doing that you ask "How are you?" If that doesn't work and then go aske what their name is or wait until they say something that you know about and start from there. Sociality is very hard for many but by overcoming shyness is easy once you are able to too. It's a big dtep but all you have to do is put what you think they might say behind and just listen to their response.[/COLOR]

[cancer]

thanks, that really motivates me actually. the last thing you said, true angel, is very true, and i never even thought about that.

[Revelation]

[size=1][color=#4B5B5B]Well, [B]cancer[/B], it all boils down to one thing and it's not confidence. It's being yourself. Yeah, sure that sounds corny and a lot like one of those "I need help" support group type of saying but it's entirely true. If you are yourself- not what everyone wants you to be and not that I'm saying you are like that- then you can do just about anything, like talking to random people.

All you have to do is forget what anyone might think about you, forget what you think they might say about, just forget. Then after you forget, be yourself. Once you've got those two things down, you couldn't give a care in the world; at least that's what I do when it comes to talking to new people.

But really, just be yourself and don't think you have impress this person or think that they'll stereotype you- which they probably will in the back of their mind- but we're only human and thus it's only natural for us to do so even though we say we don't. That was probably the worst thing to say when it comes to advice but it's reality.

[Now that I'm re-reading this, I think I should've just left it at "Be yourself...yada yada yada." If I ever choose to become a psychologist or whatever, I'm going to be a terrible one.][/size][/color]

[Guest NIKI12345]

Well sadly I'm the type of person who will just go up to you and say hi. Its always been easy for me to make friends because I'm a millatary kid so I move alot. Just go up and say hi yeah it might not turn out so well but you never know until you try. Just be yourself and when your talking to them if they don't like you for who you are those aren't the friends you want to have. Thats what I think but yeah I can be wrong.

[pooperson]

[SIZE=1][COLOR=RoyalBlue]Hmm... I kind of understand. I'm a little bit like that, too... everybody thinks I'm ultrasuperfriendly and whatnot, but that's only around people I know.
This is what I do: Try talking to the person with a mutual friend with you. That makes it a lot easier. If there is no mutual friend, then make up something to talk to the person about. Example... pretending you saw them somewhere. Or tell them you like their shoes! Which may not work, you being a guy and all... well, I don't know. That's what I do.

Good luck to ya!![/COLOR][/SIZE]

[Guest NIKI12345]

Oh my bad its a guy well for me then its different in a way. All you have to do is be yourself and at my school all you have to say is you like football but I doubt it will work at your school. Don't worry what others will say and sometimes you just got to look for similar intrests like teaperson said. Yeah you should still be able to coment on his look too. It might not work I have a outgoing personality to everyone that doesn't annoy me. I hope it helps you. Nice advise True angel.

[nomad19]

confidence yeah it's a pretty big factor...to boost your confidence always think that you have nothing to lose when you feel like doing it, DO IT! like talking to new people, you won't lose anything you either gain a friend or experience, try it and trust me it works.

as for conversation starters, just start off with something simple like "killer weather huh?"...or something similar keep it simple and not off the bat, too personal...it works for me alot. shyness is something we all have, don't forget that...step up and you'll be surprised with the results you get...

hope that helps...

[Johnny Justjohnny]

[SIZE=1][COLOR=Gray]Two options: ignorance and confidence.

Ignorance is the easiest of the two, and my personal favourite. Essentially, ignore everyone else - put their opinions and their beliefs below yours - they're not important. Because you don't care what they think, you don't care if they think you're an idiot or a loon or whatever, and you're free to be yourself. If you're of the right mindset, this new-found ability to look at yourself without the opinions of other people invading your thought process will do wonders for your self confidence. It also helps not to look at fashion mags and the like as anything other then pathetic - tremendously.

Confidence is trickyer. Some people just have it - they're so secure in who they are (in this case, when comparing themselves to the Status Quo) that they're naturally confident and charismatic. If you don't have, then you need ignorance to get it - spend a while not giving a **** what people think and you should manage to convince yourself that [I]you[/I] are an acceptable person, which gives you a lot of self confidence.[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[Funny Girl]

[quote name='cancer']thanks, that really motivates me actually. the last thing you said, true angel, is very true, and i never even thought about that.[/quote]

[COLOR=Magenta]No problem. I've had this problem before and I over came it just like what Retribution said, "Just be Yourself."

That's my motto and I stick to it. It helps in the end and being yourself is the best way someone gets to know you excepessially when you don't have tp out on a cool act or any act at all. What all matters is being able to know that you are the best like here on the OB.

Here you have many friends and they like the way you are. You probably don't put an act on here, and that's what you have to do when you meet someone new. If you see someone new then just go up to them and say hi and what's goin' on.

But if you are the person new then go ahead and try to talk to some of the other kids that you're in class with and see what they say. If they don't say anything then just forget about it and don't worry about it either. [/COLOR]

[Guest Ikitt]

Well, this is my first time on the boards. But, I'm guy too, and I am very shy when comes to meeting new people, or trying to talk to them. But, I have learn how to do it easier. Well it depends if the person is alone or not. If there're alone its going to be a bit easier, but normaly the easiest way to is just to say hi, or Hello, I am --. and present yourself. Then just be yourself, and just start the talk with a subject that anyone can relate to, like school, the weather, games, sports, ect. If they blow you off or just don't seem conforable then just say "Sorry, I'll leave you alone." but truthly if there being mean, well then it was for the better. If there surrounded by friends, just try and over hear something they said and try to join in. I guess I'm not as much help as I thought I could've been. Good luck!

[inactive]

So, I can really relate to this. That's basically exactly what I'm like, except worse. I'm REALLY socially challenged.

It's really hard for me to just talk to people, sometimes even with people I already know. Its not that I'm really afraid of what they'll think of me---I know they're not going to think anything THAT bad, and it doesn't really matter if they do. There's really only one person who I can talk to without having to think or being nervous (other than my family, of course).

It seems I just have this irrational fear of...something. I don't even know. I'm just really shy. I keep telling myself rational things in my mind, yet I never actually take my own advice. When it comes down to the actual talking part, I just don't know what to say, and I'm afraid of awkward silences...then I'll turn all red, and never want to show my face around them ever again.

So, since it seems I'm worse off than you are, I don't think I can be much of a help. I don't know if I can be helped either, since I already KNOW the solution, but I can't bring myself to do it. :animeswea Hopefully I'll be able to get over this someday, because there for sure have been times that I've wanted to talk to someone, but I guess I just missed out on those friendships. :animedepr I guess I'll just have to get a little more motivated...

[desertphoenix]

to medafunk:

Sounds like something i kind of have called autism. I'm kind of in a strong denial that i might have something that sounds like that when i checked some of the symptoms. Some of the big ones i have are, extreme shyness, unable to make eye contact, may not hold a conversation well or studdering, using hand motions instead of words, and may prefer to be alone.

I do have friends, but a lot of times i feel pretty alone. Well personally, it really sucks to feel this way. I really noticed when i figured out i lost about three possible girlfriends to other guys by not being "assertive" enough. I like a lot of the advise said in this thread and i'm defiantly keep those in mind.

[Guest NIKI12345]

[QUOTE=desertphoenix]to medafunk:

Sounds like something i kind of have called autism. I'm kind of in a strong denial that i might have something that sounds like that when i checked some of the symptoms. Some of the big ones i have are, extreme shyness, unable to make eye contact, may not hold a conversation well or studdering, using hand motions instead of words, and may prefer to be alone.

I do have friends, but a lot of times i feel pretty alone. Well personally, it really sucks to feel this way. I really noticed when i figured out i lost about three possible girlfriends to other guys by not being "assertive" enough. I like a lot of the advise said in this thread and i'm defiantly keep those in mind.[/QUOTE]

Yeah I lost 4 boyfriends that way but I didn't really like any of them any way. There are only two people I'm interested into and I won't tell them until I know they like me.

[Raina]

[COLOR=Blue][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I agree with everyone here. Be yourself. If you're a shy person, then be a shy person. People will understand. :) And if you don't talk to people, you'll lose possible friendship and relationship opportunities. And if you talk to someone, and that person doesn't want to talk to you, then that's a person you don't want to talk to either.

I'm a really shy person too, even on the net. And I'm fine with that coz that's who I am. Yeah, I want to be less shy, but it's going to take time. No one can change who they are over night. So don't stress about your shyness. I can see that you really want to be less shy. So don't worry, you'll be less shy sooner or later. :animesmil

I found that a good way to start a conversation is to ask for an opinion. Everyone wants to make friends, so I think that if you show that you care about what they think, they'll want to be your friend. And everyone loves to voice their opinions if there's someone there to listen. Why do you think message boards are so popular? :D [/FONT] [/SIZE] [/COLOR]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange][quote name='cancer']I know that social skills aren't something you're given at birth, but I really have a problem socially I think. I like to talk to people, and never have a problem with conversations when I'm talking to friends, but I have a problem with starting conversations or going up to new people, and this sucks because there are many people I'd love to talk to but just feel too shy/akward to talk to them. Does anyone have any advice to help me out?[/quote]

What you have, I believe, is an inferiority complex -- something I suffer from as well. Even if you don't think so directly, a part of you doesn't think you deserve to be... I guess you could say social. For instance, when you want to speak to someone, you instead ask yourself "why would they want to talk to me?" You might see a girl in a t-shirt of your favorite show, and want to say 'hey! I love ___' or something, but you stop yourself. You resist conversation for multiple reasons. It could be because you don't hold yourself in the same regards as other people, or it could be that you have an overwhelming fear of rejection in even the slightest fear.

Things like these are brought about in a lot of ways. For instance, when I was growing up I had a lot of pressure to do well in school. Now, I didnt really have any friends as I was the weird/dorky kid. The only place I could turn to for atention, which everyone needs, was my family.

Because doing well in school was the only way I could keep my paretns happy in my mind, it became something I worried about, and when I didn't do well, I felt ultimately rejected. In that feeling, it's like no one out there cares about you, and the only ones who do are making your life miserabe. I built myself an extreme fear of rejection. A fear of having to feel that pain. As a result, I can't even talk to some people freely for fear that they will shun me, or that I'll speak incorrectly.

I'built my confidence a lot, though, by talking to people that I either don't like or don't care if they hate me. For instance, if I hang out with someone with opposing views to me, or a personality that clashes with mine, I know that we will never get along, so I'll say whatever I want to them. It's helped me get used to talking to people, and I've even begun to make far more friends, even with many of those people I can't stand, lol.[/COLOR]

[Retribution]

[quote name='2007DigitalBoy][COLOR=DarkOrange']What you have, I believe, is an inferiority complex -- something I suffer from as well. [/COLOR][/quote]
[size=1]Judging from what cancer typed, you are absolutely wrong.

Inferiority complex is when you feel [i]inferior[/i] to other people, not shy or awkward. All he needs to do is force himself to talk to people and eventually he'll feel more comfortable in social situations. Cancer, I think your fear stems from lack of experience, and because of that lack you're just not feeling all that sure of yourself. It's no big deal, and you can fix it pretty easily.

I'd recommend you get a good friend to introduce you to new people. It takes the difficulty out of starting the conversation (ex: "I've known _____ for ____ years, how'd you know him?") and there's a crutch there for you. Don't feel like you need to dive into the deep end, wading is just fine.[/size]

[Panda]

When meeting new people I find that a smile goes a long way. :D

If the person is someone that you have a mutual friend, have them introduce you. This will help break the ice. And, of course, as many other people have mentioned, just be yourself. Think about how relaxed you are when you are hanging with your best friend and extend that relaxed, non-stressed feeling to other people.

[inactive]

[QUOTE=desertphoenix]to medafunk:

Sounds like something i kind of have called autism. I'm kind of in a strong denial that i might have something that sounds like that when i checked some of the symptoms. Some of the big ones i have are, extreme shyness, unable to make eye contact, may not hold a conversation well or studdering, using hand motions instead of words, and may prefer to be alone.

I do have friends, but a lot of times i feel pretty alone. Well personally, it really sucks to feel this way. I really noticed when i figured out i lost about three possible girlfriends to other guys by not being "assertive" enough. I like a lot of the advise said in this thread and i'm defiantly keep those in mind.[/QUOTE]
Hmmm... Well, I did a little research on the topic, and I don't really think autism is a problem I have. Am I shy? Absolutely, but not nearly as shy as I was as a kid. I HAVE improved a bit. Well, I improved in Junior High, and it feels like it got a little worse since then, but hey--we all have our ups and our downs.

I'm not bad at holding conversations, once they've been started, and as for "unable to make eye contact", this was something I was a little uncomfortable doing before, but I think I've been cured of that. I've never been one to stutter either. More like just mumble when I'm not particularily confident in my opinion... Hand motions? I've never really talked with my hands. And being alone... Yeah, sometimes I like to be alone, but if I didn't go to school everyday and see people then... I think I'd go crazy. :animeswea

I'm fine with people I like, and have stuff in common with. When it comes to people I know, but am not particulary crazy about, or don't have anything in common with, I have a lot of trouble talking to them. My ability to make conversation also stems from my mood, which I'm sure is true for everybody.

As for me saying that I'm "really socially challenged"... heh heh, I was being really dramatic. I didn't expect anyone to take me really literally.

[B]Retribution[/B] said, "[I]All he needs to do is force himself to talk to people and eventually he'll feel more comfortable in social situations.[/I]" Yeah, this IS the solution, but it's not easy to just "force" yourself. I've been trying to do that, and sofar have not been successful.

Really, I just have a problem with NEW PEOPLE. I just don't know how to approach them. If they approach me, I'm absolutely fine to talk to them, but I'm not great at starting conversations, except for with people I'm fairly comfortable with.

Also, I'm an above average student, and my social development as a child was normal (even if I was shy). I'm shy and self-consious. It's an unfortunate flaw in my personality that I am fighting to overcome. :animeswea Not autism.

I'm not convinced that you have autism either, but, of course, I don't know you. I can relate to to your problems, though. I think a lot of insecurity like this just comes with the territory of being a teenager... Hopefully things will improve.

Anyway, I'm rambling on about myself, and I feel it is not my place. Sorry [B]cancer[/B]!

[2010DigitalBoy]

[QUOTE=Retribution][size=1]Judging from what cancer typed, you are absolutely wrong.

Inferiority complex is when you feel [i]inferior[/i] to other people, not shy or awkward. All he needs to do is force himself to talk to people and eventually he'll feel more comfortable in social situations. Cancer, I think your fear stems from lack of experience, and because of that lack you're just not feeling all that sure of yourself. It's no big deal, and you can fix it pretty easily.

I'd recommend you get a good friend to introduce you to new people. It takes the difficulty out of starting the conversation (ex: "I've known _____ for ____ years, how'd you know him?") and there's a crutch there for you. Don't feel like you need to dive into the deep end, wading is just fine.[/size][/QUOTE]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]Mind you, i know not the definition of the term, so I apologize for that. you get ym meaning, though, right?

I don't think easily really is a good way to describe recovering sonfidence. a lot of these advices skip a few important steps. The whole initial problem was that he can't start conversations -- why tell him to when the whole point is that he can't?

EDIT: same time post, he said what I meant in the 4th (i think) paragraph[/COLOR]

[Retribution]

[quote name='2007DigitalBoy][COLOR=DarkOrange']I don't think easily really is a good way to describe recovering sonfidence. a lot of these advices skip a few important steps. The whole initial problem was that he can't start conversations -- why tell him to when the whole point is that he can't?[/COLOR][/quote][size=1]Speaking to people is easy, no matter which way you slice it. All it consists of is opening your mouth and vocalizing. He's just not really sure of himself, and he can easily remedy that as well. I mean 'easy' as in his problem has a relatively quick solution to it.

The whole point of telling him to start conversations when he isn't doing that is because [i]that's all there is to it.[/i] What would you rather have me tell him? He has one solution to his problem, and that's to start talking to people he doesn't know very well. You can't develop social skills without doing that.

I skip important steps because socializing isn't a paint-by-numbers sort of thing. We can't hold his hand, we can't really coach him, and so step-by-step guidance is a waste. At a certain point he has to suck it up and deal with the awkwardness and talk. I suggested he have a friend with him because it helps with the whole social anxiety thing, but either way he's going to have to take charge in that conversation, be it with or without a friend for if he doesn't, he's not getting any better!

[quote name='medafunk']I've been trying to do that, and sofar have not been successful.[/quote]Try harder is the only advice I can give to you. You have to move past your fear. Talking to new people is outside your comfort zone is uncomfortable (dur) but you have to do it. There's no quick and easy, no corners to cut on this. You work up the courage, walk over, and talk. Be amiable, listen, actively participate in the conversation. Relate to what they're saying, smile a lot, and maybe toss in a compliment.

But really folks, just suck it up and get out there.[/size]

[Rachmaninoff]

[quote name='Retribution][size=1]The whole point of telling him to start conversations when he isn't doing that is because [i]that's all there is to it.[/i] What would you rather have me tell him? He has one solution to his problem, and that's to start talking to people he doesn't know very well. You can't develop social skills without doing that.[/size][/QUOTE]If only it were that simple. If simply opening your mouth and speaking was all it took, people would find getting over such social awkwardness fairly easy. Because once they started doing it they would continue doing so, or so the idea goes. But people don?t, they freeze up, they become paralyzed with irrational fears and end up retreating instead of opening their mouth and speaking, or worse they do and then feel stupid for doing so. [QUOTE=Retribution][size=1']I skip important steps because socializing isn't a paint-by-numbers sort of thing. We can't hold his hand, we can't really coach him, and so step-by-step guidance is a waste. At a certain point he has to suck it up and deal with the awkwardness and talk. I suggested he have a friend with him because it helps with the whole social anxiety thing, but either way he's going to have to take charge in that conversation, be it with or without a friend for if he doesn't, he's not getting any better![/size][/quote]No it?s not a step by step deal, but there are things people can learn to help them understand their own thought processes and therefore help them understand why they hesitate, or why they are frightened of speaking to strangers. A good example would be the book ?Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy? by Steven Burns. Though it is mainly used to treat depression without using drugs, it also addresses what he refers to as cognitive distortions, or ways of thinking that are negative that people don?t even realize that they do.

For example, one he refers to is the mind reading distortion. You might think,[I] if I talk to that person she will think I?m an idiot[/I]. Or the person they talk to might turn and leave because they remembered they need to do something and they will think [I]I shouldn?t have talked to her, she didn?t like me and left.[/I] When the reality is they really don?t know what she was thinking.

He lists ten different types of negative thought patterns that a lot of people do and you might be surprised once you read it to find just how many of them you yourself do as well.

So even if there isn?t a guide to getting over shyness there are things out there that can help people to try and understand why they feel or think a certain way. So that would be my advice to you Cancer, you might want to look into reading a few books on overcoming shyness, or even the very book I mentioned. A lot of people have issues with what you are talking about to the point that they can't function socially at all. So I'm sure if you look around you'll find some information that would be useful.

[Hanabishi Recca]

[quote name='cancer']I know that social skills aren't something you're given at birth, but I really have a problem socially I think. I like to talk to people, and never have a problem with conversations when I'm talking to friends, but I have a problem with starting conversations or going up to new people, and this sucks because there are many people I'd love to talk to but just feel too shy/akward to talk to them. Does anyone have any advice to help me out?[/quote]

Well, I'm pretty much in that same situation myself. Because I've started public school and I've gathered some friends, but I haven't brought some friends to me. Though I don't think that matters much for me (because I only care about having friends, not how I get them).
Before I went to school though, I though some ugly things about friends and how they would treat you. I thought that they would just move away and there is not a single reason to even try to get friends for that very reason. Even though, my friend back in first through third grade did leave me like that, I moved on and got some friends of my own, or they came to me rather.
I see where you are coming from though, I never really needed anyone to talk to because I'm pretty quiet in a public area. Then, in one of my classes (health) no one talked to me and it sucked pretty bad, I was pretty angry about it because I didn't know anyone there and so no one talked to me. I did end up changing that (despite my old habits) and I'm very proud that I did. I suppose that you should just get out there and do it.

(Basically, I just wanted to say that I was in your situation at one time myself and I hope the best for you. You know, all of that jazz)

[Retribution]

[quote name='Rachmaninoff']If only it were that simple. If simply opening your mouth and speaking was all it took, people would find getting over such social awkwardness fairly easy.[/quote][size=1]It is. All that holds them back is fear to take that risk.

[QUOTE]Because once they started doing it they would continue doing so, or so the idea goes. But people don?t, they freeze up, they become paralyzed with irrational fears and end up retreating instead of opening their mouth and speaking, or worse they do and then feel stupid for doing so.[/QUOTE]Rome wasn't built in a day, and social skills don't appear as a result of talking to one person you didn't know for one day. The ability to hold a conversation without fear is the result of much experience, and as a result, greater self-confidence.

[QUOTE]No it?s not a step by step deal, but there are things people can learn to help them understand their own thought processes and therefore help them understand why they hesitate, or why they are frightened of speaking to strangers. A good example would be the book ?Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy? by Steven Burns. Though it is mainly used to treat depression without using drugs, it also addresses what he refers to as cognitive distortions, or ways of thinking that are negative that people don?t even realize that they do.[/QUOTE]It's a bit ridiculous people need a book to cure social anxiety. Unless you have a diagnosed phobia, you have little excuse.

People hesitate because they're afraid of rejection, to put it simply. They don't want to feel embarrassed or awkward, and they feel inadequate. They're afraid if they open their mouth, they'll just make themselves look stupid, so they keep their mouth shut. Reading a book might give you insight as to why this occurs, and how you can combat it, but in the end, I [i]guarantee[/i] the solution it offers is "Talk to people". Because if you don't eventually take that risk, you'll never progress, no matter how many damn books you want to read.

[QUOTE]He lists ten different types of negative thought patterns that a lot of people do and you might be surprised once you read it to find just how many of them you yourself do as well.[/QUOTE]Sure, but I don't let those fears hold me back in a social setting. I might be afraid I'll look kind of dumb and lowly, but I still suck it up and talk.

Mostly, I'm not sure it matters why you feel afraid to talk in public (unless you have a phobia or something equally legit). For once you understand "I'm afraid because I'm afraid of rejection," what does that help? It only matters what you can do to overcome that, and books giving you tips on how to carry on a conversation are the good ones. The ones psychoanalyzing you and saying "Oh, you must be afraid because [insert reason]" really do nothing in terms of helping you out.[/size]

[Rachmaninoff]

Retribution, perhaps you didn't pay attention to the original posters statement:[quote name='cancer] I like to talk to people, and [B]never have a problem with conversations when I'm talking to friends[/B], but[B] I have a problem with starting conversations or going up to new people[/B'], and this sucks because there are many people I'd love to talk to but just feel too shy/akward to talk to them. Does anyone have any advice to help me out?[/quote]They don't have a problem talking, but rather with gaining the courage to talk to new people.

Telling them to just do it or 'suck it up' isn't necessarily the solution. It's your personal advice and nothing more. And though it may work for you, it doesn't mean it will work for everyone. Don't be so quick to assume that they are just being timid when they might have a legitimate fear or concern, which is really what reading books on the topic is all about.

You say Rome wasn't built in a day, well it sure wasn't built on words, but rather careful planning and teamwork, and learning how to talk to new people, isn't something that comes naturally even with practice. If that were true they wouldn't be here asking for advise.

And don't be so quick to assume that books are useless, especially if you haven't even read them. Or have you? Because your response pretty much dissed the idea without any real reasoning for your objection leading me to believe you've never read them yourself. Perhaps you may find them useless, but I'm sure there are plenty of people who actually found them to be quite useful, which is why I even mentioned it since a few of my friends did, far more than being told to just 'suck it up' ever did.

There's nothing ridiculous about needing a book to cure social anxiety, in many ways it's no different than needing to talk to people online for advice. Both of them are a source of help in overcoming it. If people didn't have social anxiety they wouldn't even bother to ask and there wouldn't be so many books on the topic either.