Self Confidence

[Retribution]

[size=1]The book you recommended was to help cancer figure out why he feels afraid to talk to new people. I stand by my claim in saying those books really don't do much aside from tell you what you probably already know "You're afraid of embarrassment, rejection, and you want to remain safe." That provides you with no real information on how to improve your situation.

The books that teach you how to carry on conversation are the valid and helpful ones. I actually did read one, and although it was rehashing stuff I thought as common sense, it did offer great advice. But you can't rely on those either. You have to, ultimately, walk up to that person and say hello. The biggest battle is within yourself, and that's something a book can only mildly alleviate.

cancer does not have social problems if he can easily hold a conversation with a friend, but has trouble talking to new people. It reinforces my point that he's only afraid and nervous in these alien situations, which is normal. But it also reinforces my point that he also just needs to get over it and start talking. If he already has the tools, he just needs to put them to work. At this point, books would only teach him what he already knows.[/size]

[SunfallE]

[COLOR=RoyalBlue][quote name='Retribution][size=1']The book you recommended was to help cancer figure out why he feels afraid to talk to new people. I stand by my claim in saying those books really don't do much aside from tell you what you probably already know "You're afraid of embarrassment, rejection, and you want to remain safe." That provides you with no real information on how to improve your situation.[/size][/quote]It seems that both you and Rachmaninoff are laboring under a misconception here. Rachmaninoff is assuming you have read it and you Retri are assuming it?s about getting to know new people. Because if you had read the book he recommended you would know that it?s not about why he feels afraid, but rather understand your thought processes and how you see things incorrectly. Which in turn can lead to being afraid since you are going off a faulty premises.

Rachmaninoff already touched on it briefly with the description on how we assume someone thinks something about us when the reality is we don?t know what they are actually thinking. The ten thought processes in the book are actually how we process information incorrectly (by making certain assumptions) and it applies to more than being nervous about talking to someone you don?t know, it applies to quite a few situations in life. [quote name='Retribution][size=1]The books that teach you how to carry on conversation are the valid and helpful ones. I actually did read one, and although it was rehashing stuff I thought as common sense, it did offer great advice. But you can't rely on those either. You have to, ultimately, walk up to that person and say hello. The biggest battle is within yourself, and that's something a book can only mildly alleviate.[/size][/QUOTE]It still doesn?t change the fact that they can be helpful in providing a launching point for a person to start with, and the very same book Rachmainoff recommended, has a workbook to go along with it for analyzing your performance later, to look back and help you address your fears, regardless of what they are. It?s no different than Cancer taking your advice Retribution, and coming back to the boards to say this is what happened, any more advice? [QUOTE=Retribution][size=1']cancer does not have social problems if he can easily hold a conversation with a friend, but has trouble talking to new people. It reinforces my point that he's only afraid and nervous in these alien situations, which is normal. But it also reinforces my point that he also just needs to get over it and start talking. If he already has the tools, he just needs to put them to work. At this point, books would only teach him what he already knows.[/size][/quote]Actually, that?s something that only Cancer can answer. And reading a book or talking to people online doesn?t mean that they have social problems. And to be blunt, how would you know if he already knows what is in books? You didn?t even know what was in the book Rachmaninoff was referring to.

And to answer the question that will pop up, I do, as I have read it. I?m kind of curious as to why you are so anti-book here. Since like your suggestion of talking to people his was to also get additional help as well. And both of them recommend interaction with people. And in the end, why limit yourself to going only with the standard [I]force yourself to talk[/I] when you can read stuff and get a little reassurance as well as additional tips? I really don?t see why you keep insisting books are useless when you yourself haven?t read most of them.[/COLOR]

[Retribution]

[quote name='SunfallE][COLOR=RoyalBlue']Because if you had read the book he recommended you would know that it?s not about why he feels afraid, but rather understand your thought processes and how you see things incorrectly. Which in turn can lead to being afraid since you are going off a faulty premises.[/COLOR][/quote]
[size=1]Fair enough. I was mainly referring to the being afraid part, as it is the only one relevant to the topic at hand.

[QUOTE]Rachmaninoff already touched on it briefly with the description on how we assume someone thinks something about us when the reality is we don?t know what they are actually thinking. The ten thought processes in the book are actually how we process information incorrectly (by making certain assumptions) and it applies to more than being nervous about talking to someone you don?t know, it applies to quite a few situations in life.[/QUOTE]
Well, I'm sure these ten though processes apply later on in life (and outside social fear, I would assume). But I'm not really sure how helpful a book that tells you ten different ways you could be wrong is. The general thrust (relevant to the point at hand) is that you are afraid of social interaction... the precise reasoning behind it matters little (i.e. Fears of rejection or embarrassment or inadequacy). The only thing that really matters is that you are afraid of talking to a new person.

[QUOTE]has a workbook to go along with it for analyzing your performance later, to look back and help you address your fears, regardless of what they are.[/QUOTE]
This aspect seems quite useful. Learning from your mistakes and improving upon them are all part of the process... which ([i]shock![/i]) involves putting the book down, taking a deep breath, and starting a conversation.

[QUOTE]And to be blunt, how would you know if he already knows what is in books? You didn?t even know what was in the book Rachmaninoff was referring to.[/QUOTE]
I don't need to know what book Rachmaninoff was referring to. The only thing that matters is that cancer knows how to handle social situations, as he said he has absolutely no problem carrying on a conversation with people he is comfortable with, and only has problems when he doesn't know the person. From this, I inferred that he just feels uncomfortable and awkward around the person. Therefore, if cancer has no social problems (as demonstrated by his ability to talk to familiar people), then it is [i]most likely[/i] just a matter of working up some courage. You don't need a book to coach you on that, or so I assume.

[QUOTE]I?m kind of curious as to why you are so anti-book here.[/QUOTE]They killed my father and beat my mother! I'll never forgive them... ;__;

But really, I'm not anti-book, just anti-dumb-book. I see you conveniently overlooked this:[quote name='Retribution']The books that teach you how to carry on conversation are the valid and helpful ones. I actually did read one, and although it was rehashing stuff I thought as common sense, it did offer great advice.[/quote]I'm mostly just against books that say "Here's why your afraid!" as a means of remedying your social fear. I mean, really, if you know you're afraid of talking to new people what help is it to know that you're afraid specifically of female rejection? Because at the end of the day, no matter which way you slice it, you're going to have to talk to a girl you don't know and confront that awkwardness.

cancer, go get 'em, champ. ;D[/size]

[SunfallE]

[COLOR=RoyalBlue][QUOTE=Retribution][size=1] I see you conveniently overlooked this: I'm mostly just against books that say "Here's why your afraid!" as a means of remedying your social fear. I mean, really, if you know you're afraid of talking to new people what help is it to know that you're afraid specifically of female rejection? Because at the end of the day, no matter which way you slice it, you're going to have to talk to a girl you don't know and confront that awkwardness.

cancer, go get 'em, champ. ;D[/size][/QUOTE]We are in agreement about how in the end the only way to finally learn is to actually do it, so long as you realize you conveniently overlooked this:[quote name='Rachmaninoff] A good example would be the book ?Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy? by Steven Burns. Though [B]it is mainly used to treat depression without using drugs,[/B'] it also addresses what he refers to as cognitive distortions, or ways of thinking that are negative that people don?t even realize that they do.[/quote]He wasn't talking about a book that says "Here's why your afraid" You've been focusing on how those type of books are stuff that people already know and that's not what he was referring to. ;) Which is why I would have imagined he even mentioned it since its quite different than what you seem to be thinking.

Again its about understanding how you process information incorrectly and not just about being wrong or not. Maybe this will clear things up: [/COLOR][URL=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion]Click Me![/URL]