Writing Apart at the Seams [E.]

[Engel]

[color=darkslateblue][size=1][center]I'm falling
Apart at the seams
I thought I had everything
It seems
I didn't have anything.

I can't keep it
All together, not at all
Will you convince me
To write my story on the wall?
I just can't take it
Now I'll just fake it

No, don't you worry about me
Though I doubt you would anyway
I'm just unraveling at the seams
The fabric of me fading away
Scrawling the sonata of a failure
I might drop the pen
But I know that I'm just failing her.

I spent a lot of time writing this for you
The pen's slipped too far from my grasp
It's the only thing worthwhile I could do
Just be with me, is all I'd ask.
I'm slipping and fading and falling away
The deed is done, and so is the task.

I'm falling
Apart at the seems
I thought I had everything
It seems
I didn't have anything.

I never will.[/color][/size][/center]
---

[color=darkslategray][size=1]This is about the second post I've ever made in the Anthology. x3 I wrote this a few days ago. I'd like critique of any type, as long as it's constructive. I don't, however, want just, "Oh, that's really good lols graet job".

Thanks for your time. I hope you enjoyed it~![/color][/size]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]Oh, don't worry. Long as I'm the guy reviewing 90% of the poems in Anthology, you will not be let off easy, hehe.[/COLOR]

[I]Just can't take it
Now I'll just fake it[/I]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]I'd say this line sums up a lot of your poem pretty well, both in what it says and what it says. These two lines rhyme for only one reason -- you wanted them to rhyme. Read your poem. Notice that at a few parts there are rhymes that seem like they detract from the overall poem?

For instance...[/COLOR]

[I]No, don't you worry about me
Though I doubt you would anyway
I'm just unraveling at the seams
The fabric of me fading away[/I]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]The last line sounds really awkward. Actually, this one's not even the rhym'e fault, it's just bad word order. Try "My fabric is being pulled away" or something of the sort. Try as hard as you can not to make the words sound weird.[/COLOR]

[I]Scrawling the sonata of a failure
I might drop the pen
But I know that I'm just failing her.[/I]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]Using 'failing' right after 'failure' is not a good plan. you may not have even noticed in when writing the poem, which is why going over it a few times is important. There are any number of other words you could use.[/COLOR]

[I]The deed is done, and so is the task.[/I]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]Just sounds cheesy, IMO.

Overall, I think there are some things I do like about this. What I like is that you're trying to branch out with your rhyme scheme. Unfortuanetally, you did so utterly incorrectly, sacrificing coherency for attempted uniqueness.

Next time, concentrate. Focus less on trying to be different, and more on trying to be good.[/COLOR]