Writing Cinematic [PG]

[Claire]

[FONT=Arial]Hooray, Edward returns! And as an extra treat, this story is from his perspective. I really hate to post things unfinished, but I'm really excited about this one. I plan on continuing it tomorrow during school and whatnot, and whenever I get the chance. So, without further ado...

[B][CENTER]CINEMATIC[/CENTER][/B]
Rain dotted the windshield, creating hundreds of microscopic, convex reflections of the dashboard. I sat in the driver?s seat leaning all the way back, my hands behind my head and my eyes shut. My favorite acoustic CD played softly, and the gentle steel sound mixed with the hush of the rain to create a pleasant relaxing ambience. The atmosphere was so perfect that the comfort even warmed my empty veins.

I often came to this place at twilight, when the sun brightened the lake like a bucket of red paint pooling in a puddle of dark blue. On drier nights I would open the moon-roof to let in the lake?s breeze, but I didn?t mind having to keep it closed. Everything is much more serene when caught in the rain.

The next track began as thunder sounded in the distance. I smiled at the oncoming storm?light showers were pleasant, but the fury of a storm is inspiring, almost poetic. However, the night was fast arriving, and I had too many other responsibilities to stay at the lake.

I sat the seat upright, adjusting my purely decorative glasses, and ignited the engine. The rain was coming down harder as I pulled away from the bank and crept on to the nearby cement parking lot. By the time I merged with the scarce traffic on the main road, the storm had barreled in like a lion with a god complex.

The wet roads weren?t difficult for me to navigate, and most drivers had already abandoned the streets at the first drop of rain. I soon pulled into my driveway, cued the car port to open, and parked the car inside it. The storm was slowly gaining power as I tapped a button on the wall to shut the car port, and then stepped through the door leading into the house.

I headed up the stairs to my bedroom, quietly turned the knob, and peeked inside. The room was pitch black due to the absence of windows, but I could easily see into the darkness. On the bed was a figure who had been sleeping all day, waiting. He was awake now, smiling excitedly as I walked into the room.

?Cara mia,? Vincent purred, swinging his legs over the side of the bed.

?Good morning, sunshine,? I grinned. He stood up and stretched, his form-fitting black shirt rising over his navel, then approached me with outstretched arms.

?Where did you go? I was lonely all day.?

I let him hug me, as he usually did upon waking up, then every hour on the hour. I didn?t mind it so much after over five hundred years of living with him.

?This morning I ran up to the castle to make sure everything was in order,? I explained as he began to go through his closet. ?When I got back around three, I decided to go to that acoustic show at the coffeehouse.?

?That sounded like it was going to be spectacular,? he sighed. ?I wish I could?ve gone.?

?It was very good,? I reassured him. ?I think the band?s planning a night show in a few weeks.?

?I hope so. I?d love to go.?

?It was rather long, though. It didn?t end until around five. I went to the lake after that, and I left shortly after sundown.?

?So you had a calm day. Are you up for something fun tonight?? He asked, pulling out a white long-sleeved shirt and dropping it on the bed.

?Sure,? I said, sitting on the edge of the bed to untie my shoes. ?What did you have in mind??

Vincent pulled off his polka dotted pajama pants and stepped into tight black jeans. He made an inquisitive noise in thought as he changed into the white shirt, which had a spindly, leafless tree design printed on the front. He obviously wasn?t planning on doing anything flashy.

?We could go see a movie,? he suggested.

?Sounds good. Let me change into something more comfortable.?

He floated out of the room and down the stairs, presumably to find the newspaper and check the local movie times. I slipped out of my jade blazer and unbuttoned my shirt as I looked in my separate closet. Although Vincent and I shared similar tastes in clothing, it would be impossible to share a closet with his ridiculously massive accumulation of clothes.

?Edward,? he exclaimed from downstairs, ?that new vampire movie opens at midnight. ?Nettare Degli Dei.??

I took a pair of red pants off their hangar and draped them over my arm to find a complimentary shirt.

?So, you want to see that?? I called, grabbing a black shirt with crimson lettering and stepping out of the closet to get dressed. Vincent glided into the doorway, holding the newspaper in front of him.

?The name alone exudes exhilaration. Imagine the kind of people that are going to be at the theatre,? he side, drifting into the bathroom to put on his face. I frowned, thinking of a mob of chalky adolescents wearing dark, lacy outfits, plastic fangs, and gobs of makeup. He sang happily under another clap of thunder.

?Is it raining?? he asked, making plastic noises with his cosmetics.

?Very hard,? I warned. He sighed wistfully and reappeared in the doorway, his now shadowed eyes accentuating the pallor of his skin.

?Horrible hunting weather. Maybe it will let up sometime soon.?

?We have about four hours ?til the movie, though. It may not stop storming for a long while.?

Vincent suddenly grinned so widely that his sharp teeth seemed to be growing. His orange eyes glinted deviously, a look I knew all too well.

?Let?s go shopping, then!? he exclaimed. It wasn?t just a suggestion?once the thought of browsing expensive stores entered his mind, nothing could change Vincent?s plan.

We went to the carport after grabbing jackets and umbrellas and climbed into the car. Vincent fiddled with the stereo, coaxing a blast of electronic beats out of it. We reversed into the heavy rain and headed from the driveway to the main street.[/FONT]

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]I am sorry I haven't come by sooner than this; my time is rather restricted of late. (Boy, am I getting tired of saying that.)

This one's flow is different than your other two; for a while I wasn't certain of what it was, but I think I know now. You used a great deal more dialogue in this excerpt, and your variations are natural-feeling, but I still have a couple of suggestions (and these are both a little nit-picky; otherwise I still like your stuff):

[list][*]In every case where you specified a speaker, you use the same order: subject-verb. E.g., 'he said', 'I warned', 'Vincent purred', etc. Obviously, switching the order when using pronouns is ill-advised, being archaic and what ('said he'; come on! :animesmil), but you can still reduce some degree of monotony by using, for example, 'purred Vincent' or 'revealed my companion' or something like that. It keeps the first-grade primer feel out of your stuff.
[*]Still on dialogue, you used almost every structural variant save one: speaker before words. (That isn't exactly what I wanted to say, but I couldn't think of anything else.) I think I actually spoke of this somewhere else...give me a minute...umm...where did I...Ah! Here it is. The third line is what I'm talking about.
[QUOTE=Allamorph][FONT=Arial]Dylan approached his commander casually. [B]"So, boss, you want we should take him down together?"[/B] he queried, nodding towards the arena's third occupant.

[B]"No,"[/B] Jason responded, shaking his head. [B]"It'll look suspicious if we both win; we'll have to fight each other."[/B]

[COLOR=DarkRed]Dylan blinked. [B]"You're joking."[/B][/COLOR]

[B]"I know this is weird, but we don't have many options. Just work with me on this one,"[/B] requested the cyborg as he walked to where his given weapons lay.[/FONT][/QUOTE]
Get the idea? It's just a timing thing, really. (Excerpt from one of my own thingies that's not quite finished yet.)[/list]
The only other thing I have is a small typo:
[QUOTE][FONT=Arial]?The name alone exudes exhilaration. Imagine the kind of people that are going to be at the theatre,? he [B][COLOR=Red]side[/COLOR][/B],....[/FONT][/QUOTE]
Oops.[/FONT] (^_^)

[FONT=Arial]Loved everything else. Sincerely. Especially the lion with the god complex that slowly gained power. You had me thinking Hurricane Hugo or something. And seeing things from Edwards viewpoint was nice; it put Vincent in kind of a childish light, instead of the drama king perspective.

So, you said you weren't finished....? *nudge nudge*[/FONT]