Writing Trigger Happy [M-VLS]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR=Blue]Here's a story that's only for the OB. Yay! It's my first attempt at a non
fantasy/sci-fi story. I hopeyou like it. The spell check pointed out no grammatical errors or spelling mistakes. SO it's pretty clean. (but it's still violent!)[/COLOR]

[CENTER][SIZE=72][FONT=Vivaldi]Trigger Happy[/FONT][/SIZE]
[FONT=engravers MT]A ForgotteÑ-herÖ exclusive

Characters[/FONT][/CENTER]

[FONT=Times New Roman][B]Maddox (The Killer)[/B] - The protagonist. His contract with his boss has just been renewed. But now he must kill the mass murderer, Jonathan, before he kills Brittany. If successful, Maddox will be put into the ?Top 10? along with his best friend and mentor, Harley.

[B]Harley (The Jester)[/B] - Number 5 of the ?Top 10.? He has known Maddox since they were very young. He can?t give assistance to Maddox, but he usually pops up from time to time. If he does it?s usually to give Maddox a lecture. Outside of the business, he?s a comedian. Thus the name, the Jester.

[B]Brittany (The Temptress)[/B] - The agent with the most flare among the women. She was kidnapped recently and must be saved. If she dies Maddox will be fired. As well as hurt, for he is in love with Brittany. They too have known each other for a long time.

[B]Boss[/B] - The leader of ?Trigger Happy.? TH was made to keep the peace by killing criminals for money, and to give a little competition to the agents. Boss was once a criminal himself, until god shown his light on hi. He relies on both his guns, and his god.

[B]Jonathan[/B] - The highest rated criminal of the ?THCL.? (Trigger Happy Criminal List) He?s been on the run for 5 years until recently he was presumed dead.[/FONT]

[SIZE=4][CENTER][FONT=rockwell extra bold]Chapter 1: If you can?t beat them, shoot them[/FONT][/CENTER][/SIZE]

[center][FONT=Georgia]I rolled around the ground dodging bullets. They came at me like hail from above. Soon I hid from the shooters, behind a garbage can. I couldn?t shoot all of them at once, but I could try.

So I ran out from hiding and I shot at one of them. It hit right on the mark. But I wasn?t out of the kitchen yet. I heard the ricochet of a bullet. It was coming towards me. I just moved my head slightly without moving the rest of my body. Then I put away my pistol as I ran . I didn?t think straight. That was the problem. During my training I always kept on task, never missing a target.

I crouched down and aimed at my next target. I shot at a man standing there with his gun. He was pacing like an idiot. But I knew better. As it twirled around, I turned and shot a second man behind me. They fell at almost the exact same time.

?Another great kill.? I said as I went forward.

A staircase kept me 1 floor away from my target. Jonathan was a dead man. Yet I couldn?t help but think something was wrong. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a shadow. It darted in front of me. The shot at me.

I did a back flip, ten I spun 360 degrees. ?Who?s there?? I asked. I heard a very familiar laugh. I smiled and plunged forward. I drew my pistol and shot a bullet at a tall man. Soon I felt the cold touch of steel along my neck. It was Harley holding a knife to my throat. I just stood there, waiting for him to sneak something at me.

?Planning on shooting me?? I asked him sarcastically. He put his gun to my back and he dug the knife in closer to my skin. I felt the warmth of blood down my neck.

?1 wrong move and I either cut your throat or shoot you.? Harley gave me no choice. I kicked him on the shin and then I flipped forward He shot at me as I came into contact with the floor. I was on a staircase for Chris sakes! Did he want me to jump off?

He walked up the stairs a little ways. Then he stopped and put his gun down. ?Okay, shoot if you want Maddox.? He told me as he lifted his hand. I wasn?t thinking at all that day so I just did the first thing that came to mind. I shot.

The bullet came into contact with his head. [I]I had just killed my best friend![/I] I thought. Then a plank fell. It was one of Harley?s tricks. He stabbed me in the back too. literally! He stepped back and so did I. I hunched forward to stop the blood from dripping of the stairs. Harley had grabbed my left wrist, and my left ankle. With the knife in his mouth, he flipped me onto my back, then took the knife and put it into my leg. As I cried in agony he sat on me. Gently he kissed me on the forehead.

?Sweet dreams, my dear friend.? He said as he pushed back. I went down the stairs like a sled. The glass from a window I had shot, was getting into my stab wound. It hurt like a bitch!

Then my mind finally got working. I put my hands onto Harley?s pants. Over his penis. Then I raised them up. I paused for a second then chopped him right on the crotch. He fell forward. His foot stopped me hitting the stairs. I put my legs onto his from underneath. Then I flipped him off the stairs and onto the ground. As I was going through the air, I shot all of my machine gun rounds at the ground. When I landed I smiled. The bullets that hit the ground spelt ?BANG.? When I got up and turned I saw Harley was gone.

Just then I was stabbed. Again! On the same spot too. ?Sorry dude, but I have to give your wound a little kick.? As Harley reached into his belt, I gulped and rolled my eyes. I heard a very quiet rip. Harley had opened a pack of salt and put it on my wound. I screamed in pain. Then I fell on the ground.

Harley walked away and just spat on the ground. ?I always win!? He bragged.

But the sneaky bastard didn?t notice my hand. I picked up my knife slowly and I aimed it at Harley?s right ass cheek. I got out a bottle of sleeping poising and dipped the knife into it. I aimed once more, then like a dart, I threw it at Harley?s right butt cheek. It made contact. He wobbled for a bit then muttered a sentence.
?Holy fuck, he actually beat me.? Harley cursed as he fell to the ground.

?Perfect drill, Maddox.? Said a man from behind the wall. It was Boss. I rose to my feet and pulled fake bullets from my body. ?Thank god it was just a drill.? I said, as I walked towards my boss.

?Great work. The nurse will take Harley to the infirmary for a check up you just rest for now, your big mission is tomorrow.? Boss said as he smiled.

I walked out of that building towards my at-work house. I thought to myself, [I]wow! I actually beat Harley today![/I][/FONT][/center]

[Break]

It sounds alright so far.

A few problems with grammar, but carry on. Use more adjectives, it'll make it come to life more.

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial]Right then, [COLOR=DarkREd]HerÖ[/COLOR], let's talk. First up: word processors.
[quote name='ForgotteÑ-HerÖ][COLOR=Blue']The spell check pointed out no grammatical errors or spelling mistakes. SO it's pretty clean.[/COLOR][/quote]
Let me nip this in the bud now. Do not, do not, [I]Do Not[/I] rely solely on MS Word, MS Works, Notepad, or any other word processor to tell you when your material is clean. These are merely programs with preset recognition software to identify misspelled words; they do not respond to context. E.g.:
[QUOTE][FONT=Times New Roman][I][B]Brittany (The Temptress)[/B] - The agent with the most [COLOR=Red][B]flare[/B][/COLOR] among the women.[/I][/FONT][/QUOTE]
Here, "flare" itself is not misspelled, because it is actually a real word?it is just the wrong one. "Flare" means [I]flash[/I] or [I]blaze[/I]; you want "flair", which means [I]style[/I] or [I]finesse[/I]. I'll list the others.
[QUOTE][I][FONT=Times New Roman]Boss was once a criminal himself, until god [COLOR=Red][B]shown[/B][/COLOR] his light on [COLOR=Red][B]hi[/B][/COLOR].[/FONT]

* * *

[FONT=Times New Roman]He?s been on the run for [COLOR=Red][B]5[/B][/COLOR] years....[/FONT]

* * *

[FONT=Georgia]A staircase kept me [COLOR=Red][B]1[/B][/COLOR] floor away from my target. Jonathan.... ...in front of me. [COLOR=Red][B]The[/B][/COLOR] shot at me.[/FONT]

* * *

[FONT=Georgia]I did a back flip, [COLOR=Red][B]ten[/B][/COLOR] I spun 360 degrees.[/FONT]

* * *

[FONT=Georgia]"[COLOR=Red][B]1[/B][/COLOR] wrong move and I either cut your throat...." ...was on a staircase for [COLOR=Red][B]Chris[/B][/COLOR] sakes![/FONT][/I][/QUOTE]
In order, here are the words you need: shone; him; five; one; then or they; one; Christ. Numerals are fine for shorthand, but unless the number is incredibly large, spell it out. In my experience, spell out everything except street addresses, phone numbers, and such numbers used for identification, like M16 or 007, or [I]Number 5 of the "Top 10"[/I]. (Even then, when used in speech Bond's rank was written as "double-oh-seven".) I try to use numerals as little as possible.

Also, Spell-Check is [U]not[/U] a reliable grammar crutch. I have typed many butchered sentences that MS Word failed to pick up, and I have written many flawless sentences that the program decided were not so. Brace yourself.
[QUOTE][I][FONT=rockwell extra bold]Chapter 1: If [COLOR=Red]Y[/COLOR]ou [COLOR=Red]C[/COLOR]an't [COLOR=Red]B[/COLOR]eat [COLOR=Red]T[/COLOR]hem, [COLOR=Red]S[/COLOR]hoot [COLOR=Red]T[/COLOR]hem[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE]
In titles, capitalize everything except for (short) articles, prepositions, and conjunctions.
[QUOTE][I][FONT=Georgia]?Another great kill[B][COLOR=Red],[/COLOR][/B]? I said as I went forward.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE]
Periods only come at the end of sentences. Think of it this way: dialogue is attached to its describing text. If dialogue ends the text, it needs a period. Otherwise, it needs a comma to continue the thought. Like so:
[QUOTE][FONT=Arial]Originally Posted by [B]Me, from Somewhere and Nowhere At All[/B]
[I]Dylan approached his commander casually. [B]"So, boss, you want we should take him down together?"[/B] he queried, nodding towards the arena's third occupant.

[B]"No,"[/B] Jason responded, shaking his head. [B]"It'll look suspicious if we both win; we'll have to fight each other."[/B]

Dylan blinked. [B]"You're joking."[/B]

[B]"I know this is weird, but we don't have many options. Just work with me on this one,"[/B] requested the cyborg as he walked to where his given weapons lay.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE]
(Seems like I'm using this exerpt quite frequently....)

Anyway, this excerpt is basically a showcase of dialogue options. In the first paragraph, though Dylan was asking a question, the "he" after Dylan finishes speaking is not capitalized. This is because the sentence has not ended yet. True, there is a question mark there, and question marks usually come at the end of sentences, but the spoken sentence is still part of the written sentence, and the q-mark is taking the place of the comma. The second and fourth paragraphs illustrate comma usage more clearly.

Also, the second and third paragraphs end with spoken statements, and there periods are used. You see what I'm talking about?

Moving onwardly....
[QUOTE][I][FONT=Georgia]I did a back flip, ten I spun [COLOR=Red][B]360 degrees[/B][/COLOR].[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE]
Don't say that here. Say "completely around" or "full circle" or something. Also, say why he's spinning, such as [I]...then I whirled in a circle, searching for my adversary[/I] or something like that. The way you had it looks like Maddox just had a Michael Jackson spasm. All he needs now is a sequined glove.... :D
[QUOTE][I][FONT=Georgia]?Okay, shoot if you want Maddox[COLOR=Red][B],[/B][/COLOR]? [COLOR=Red][B]H[/B][/COLOR]e told me....[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE]
Same as above, and don't capitalize "he".
[QUOTE][I][FONT=Georgia]He stabbed me in the back [COLOR=Red][B]too. literally[/B][/COLOR]![/FONT][/I][/QUOTE]
This is a fun one. Here's how I'd have it written:
[center][I]He stabbed me in the back, too?literally![/I][/center]
Personally, I don't much care for either the "too" or the exclamation point, but that's an individual style call. It works either way.
[QUOTE][I][FONT=Georgia]?Sweet dreams, my dear friend[COLOR=Red][B],[/B][/COLOR]? [COLOR=Red][B]h[/B][/COLOR]e said as he pushed back.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE]
Same thing as earlier.
[QUOTE][I][FONT=Georgia]?I always win!? [COLOR=Red][B]h[/B][/COLOR]e bragged.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE]
And again.
[QUOTE][I][FONT=Georgia]?Holy fuck, he actually beat me[COLOR=Red][B],[/B][/COLOR]? Harley cursed....[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE]
And again.
[QUOTE][I][FONT=Georgia]"Perfect drill, Maddox[COLOR=Red][B],[/B][/COLOR]" [COLOR=Red][B]s[/B][/COLOR]aid a man from behind the wall. It was Boss. I rose to my feet and pulled fake bullets from my body.
[COLOR=Red][FONT=Arial](new speaker means new paragraph)[/FONT][/COLOR]
?Thank god it was just a drill[COLOR=Red][B],[/B][/COLOR]? I said[COLOR=Red][B][strike],[/strike][/B][/COLOR] as I walked towards my boss.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE]
And again, and again, and you don't need that last comma there.
[QUOTE][I][FONT=Georgia]?Great work. The nurse will take Harley to the infirmary for a check up[COLOR=Red][B]. Y[/B][/COLOR]ou just rest for now[COLOR=Red][B];[/B][/COLOR] your big mission is tomorrow[COLOR=Red][B],[/B][/COLOR]? Boss said as he smiled.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE]
Do something like I've indicated there. Essentially, you need the sentence change there, and a semicolon, a colon, or a dash will work. Also, there's that dialogue-comma thing again.

I have a few more things I'd like to talk about, but I'm out of time for today, so I'll get back to you later. Before I leave, though, I'd like to tell you that I think your concept is great. Your only weakness is your technical ability, and then you just make the same little mistakes over and over.. It shows, but its easily fixable and once fixed will make everything you write flow much better.[/FONT]