Writing Opinions please.

[Lt.Zero]

[COLOR=Navy]My freind Jeffery has been writing a story lately and has been asking me and his other freinds for opinions and criticism. I suggested that he let me post his story on the OB and he was all for it. So far he's got three chapters finished. All of the chapters are really short. So here are the fineshed chapters. Please tell me what you think.[/COLOR]







[CENTER][B][I][U][COLOR=DarkRed]Chapter 1.[/COLOR][/U][/I][/B][/CENTER]




[COLOR=Navy]There were many trees there. All of them bare, stripped of their leaves by the cold of past weeks. The branches stretching out with limbs reaching out for the blood red sky. The wind was cold and unforgiving. It was winter. A winter not cold enough for snow to fall and cushion the ground, but still cold enough for the wind to chill your bones to the marrow. At least I think that was what made it so cold outside...or...maybe it was just that place. That cold, dead, place. I had been there for hours and not seen a single sign of life. The bushes had left without leaving a trace (or, maybe they were never here to begin with), the leaves that fell from the trees up high had left with the December winds, and the earth beneath my feet was dry and cracked. I shook my head to rid myself of paranoia and quickened my pace. I had to get out of there. If I didn't, then I would surely die. Not even nine years in the army had prepared me for this. This thought merely caused more paranoia. The army had prepared me for everything in my life. Because of the army I have always been able to conquer everything that came my way...Every natural thing anyway...That's what's so disturbing...What was that place? And what created it? It surely wasn't a work of God. She would never create something that terrible...Was it Satan? No. Couldn't be. Not even Satan could create something so forsaking. Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted and I was stopped dead in my tracks. I lost my balance and toppled onto my back, my skull colliding with the harsh ground. Everything started to get dark and I passed out.[/COLOR]





[CENTER][B][I][U][COLOR=DarkRed]Chapter 2.[/COLOR][/U][/I][/B][/CENTER]




[COLOR=Navy]I sat up and felt the back of my head. There was a warm liquid that was ubdoubtly blood. The blood wasn't flowing from the wound and there was very little there to be found so I paid no mind to it. I looked up and saw that I had run into a tree. I had become so wrapped up in my thoughts that I had forgotten to look where I was going. I heard the caw of a bird. I looked up and found myself staring at a raven. As I got to my feet the raven lept from it's perch and started to fly away. [I]A raven?[/I] I thought t myself, [I][COLOR=Green]Where is it going?[/COLOR][/I] A voice in my head. Strange. [B]"I'm not sure."[/B] I replied to the voice. [B]"It might be going back to it's nest."[/B] [I][COLOR=Green]And where it's nest is, there's probably more life. That means food. And water.[/COLOR][/I] With these thoughts in mind, I began to chase the raven. As I ran, the woods began to thicken. I burst into a sprint. But as I ran, it became harder to follow the raven. The sky was becoming blotted out by the criss-crossing branches. There were also branches lower to the ground now which made it difficult to continue forward. I soon lost sight of the raven and silently cursed myself. Not only was the raven gone, but I was now more lost than before. Although the raven was gone from sight, I continued to run. I supposed it was because I began to panic. I had never really panicked before. I was always a rather mellow person. That was another eiry part of that place. What was it that could make such a neutral man as myself break into a panic? I ran faster. As I ran, my foot struck an ejecting root and I fell to the ground. As I was falling, I held out my arm to make an attempt at breaking my fall. As I landed, I heard a wet, sickening crack as my wrist broke under my weight. I blinked away a tear of pain that had found it's way into my eye. I got up and, clutching my broken wrist, began to walk forward making sure not to trip again. After what couldn't be either more nor less then a half hour, I broke free of the forest and came to a clearing.[/COLOR]



[CENTER][B][I][U][COLOR=DarkRed]Chapter 3.[/COLOR][/U][/I][/B][/CENTER]




[COLOR=Navy]In the clearing was a house. It was a large house. Most likely of the Victorian Era. Very old. It was made of wood that was an eiry gray with black roofing. The entire perimeter of the house was closed off by a fence.
[I][COLOR=Green]You shouldn't go in there.[/COLOR][/I]
[B]"What do you know?"[/B]
[I][COLOR=Green]I know that you're afraid.[/COLOR][/I]
[B]"I'm not afraid."[/B] I said. I knew it was a lie. Apparently so did the voice.[B]"Besides, if I stay out here I'll die."[/B]
[I][COLOR=Green]What ever you need to tell your self.[/COLOR][/I]
[B]"SHUT UP!"[/B] I shouted.
[I][COLOR=Green]You're the one shouting into thin air. Not me.[/COLOR][/I]
Ignoring the voice I moved forward. The gate swung open from a simple nudge. I walked up the stone walk, up the stairs, and, with my good hand, opened the door. Luckily the door wasn't locked and it swung open as soon as I turned the knob. I stepped inside the house and saw and the interior was just as disturbing as the exterior of the house. [I][COLOR=Green]Are you sure about this?[/COLOR][/I]
[B]"I thought I told you to shut up."[/B]
[I][COLOR=Green]I'm just keeping your best interest in mind.[/COLOR][/I]
[B]"I don't need your help, thanks."[/B]
[I][COLOR=Green]It seems to me that you need all the help you can get.[/COLOR][/I]
[B]"Well I don't. So shut up."[/B]
I moved forward. I entered a dining room. In the dining room there was a brass chandelier hanging proudly above an old Victorian dinner table. It was a fairly large table. One chair stood on each end of the table with three seats spaced evenly apart on either side. As I approached the table I heard the voice again. It spoke a single word. [I][COLOR=Green]Move.[/COLOR][/I] At the sound of the voice I took a few steps back and twisted my torso so that my arm was sheltering my head and my face was the opposite direction of the table. As I did this I heard a great crash from where the table was. I looked at the scene of the crash and saw that the table had been demolished by the chandelier. [I][COLOR=Green]What is that?[/COLOR][/I] The voice inquired. I looked up and saw something black floating down from the ceiling. As it got closer I could see that it was a single feather from the raven.[/COLOR]

[Revelation]

[color=#4B5B5B]Hey there, [B]Lt. Zero[/B]. Nice of you to join us and I'm glad to see that you're helping out your friend. Well, before anything else you should check out the [URL=http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=56606][B]OB Anthology Basics[/B][/URL]. It's got a lot of nifty information about the OB Anthology.

For example, there's the [B]Rating System[/B]. The Rating System is sort of a disclaimer for members to let them know what sort of content to expect in another's story, poetry, etc. The main ratings are: [B]M[/B], [B]E[/B], and [B]PG[/B]. Without a rating, a thread will be closed. However if you would like, it can be recreated with the proper rating.

If you have any questions, comments, etc., contact me or Lady Asphyxia.

[B]THREAD CLOSED[/B][/color]