Divorce and Its Effects on Teens

[Sojiro47]

[COLOR=DarkGreen]Ok, so here is a question that has been burning my mind for the last three weeks: What [i]is[/i] divorce's affects on the children/teens of these families? I know that we are an opionated group of people, we otako-kun, so I expect to see mixed results, but what have you observed. Are there any apperent affects in your students, children, siblings, ect...

I, myself, am I child of a divorced family, but I haven't actually looked for any affects on myself or friends, but others have commented.




I may contact you about using you as a quote in a research paper for my class, FYI[/COLOR]

[Silent_sword909]

Ok, so here is a question that has been burning my mind for the last three weeks: What is divorce's affects on the children/teens of these families? (You)

I have one question before I continue? What kind of paper are you writing? I mean, not that I mind sharing my story and probably the stories of a bunch of different kids in the same bucket, but, I'm just a little curious. Ok, well, since you asked nicely, I'll tell you. My family has been 'split up' for three years because of some stupid actions that my parents made. I had just turned 13 at the time, and I had two younger brothers, 9 and 5.

Let me tell you the first thing of importance here: the parents ALWAYS say that it's not the kids fault, that they love them and the parents are just disagreeing, well, the kid's, (especially younger kids) feel it IS thier fault. Its not, thats just it, they just feel that way. My brothers had a really hard time coping with this simple fact. The kids feel responsible since thier parents can't agree. It's heart-wrenching.

Ultimately, it tears a family apart. My own family has never been the same; cousins from one family can't go to birthday parties at another families house, and all kinds of stuff. But the worst part of it is the life-style change. Your dad's family gets him a house, and he lives there, but your mom keeps changing from apartment to apartment, trying to pay the rent, and all the while you switch weeks between your mom and dad. And usually, it's mostly one parents fault, but eventually, the argueing continues for so long that it doesn't matter who started it, but who will end it. You (as a kid) get sick of it!!

Of course, this is just in my experiance. I hope I was able to answer your question. LoL Thanks for a chance to let me voice my opinion, my Story. I appreciate it. :D

[Cat]

Well my parnets just got divorce a few months ago and I'm still going though the motions. My mom moved 100 and 100 of miles away. So, I never see her or my sister who she took with her. I live with my dad because I want to stay in my school and not get farther behind in my school work. (I'm a year or so behind) I call my mom every day untill all it seems like all we did was fight on the phone and my sister never wants to talk to me after one point. Now I call every 3 days but that too has turned into fighting and my sister doesn't even bother to talk to me.

As for affects it has been emotional for me. My physical health was aready messed up thanks to some issues with doctors and I hadn't gotten over that and this was just adding to it. I felt like it was my fault being the oldest daughter, I could never have this type of thing pinned on my little sister.

Whats been getting me though this time is friends more then family. For family tries and get you to join their sides when you don't want to. If it hadn't been for me wanting to leave a mark in this world and friends that showed they cared I wouldn't really be here in mind or body.

Thats my story. I'm glad to share it with you.

[oscarX]

Seriously Its a horrid effect and whats even worse when they dont think about the children. My parent had vows never to leave each other and Im seriously glad for it. It has a horrid efect especially the custody battle. The parents should think of the children before divorce. If they loved them unless its dire they would try to work things out.

[SaiyanPrincessX]

[SIZE=1]My parents split up when I was twelve, my brother ten years old. I'll tell you how that happened, its interesting.

My parents were argueing one day about something, or things, I have no idea. Well I think something happened to our phones, coincidentally, and my aunt was trying to call. So she couldn't get ahold of us and thought my dad had gone crazy or something and she actually called the police. I remember seeing two police men walking up my backyard. I have no idea why they didn't just come from the front. Needless to say, my mom took us to our aunt's(technically this is my mom's cousin, so she isn't really an aunt :p). So we stayed there for a few days.

My dad didn't do anything wrong though. My aunt just freaked out. So thats something to look back on and laugh. Of course my dad probebly wouldn't find it so funny.

Dad stayed at the house and my mom moved into an apartment down the street, near my aunt. It was hard for us. I never thought it was my fault though, I just didn't understand why my parents couldn't work things out.

Actually, in some ways it was kind of fun...in a diffrent way. What I mean is, we had another home, with a room, and another cat. However, my parents actually did get back together. I think my mom lived in that apartment for a few months. There never was any court or anything, and we didn't really 'live' at either, we just went back and forth for that short time.

My mom told me she wanted to work things out, so she did go back. But her main reason was for us, since we were still young she knew how hard this would be for us. She told me this later of course, once I got older.

So my parents eventually did get devorced. I was seventeen I think, so its been about three and a half years. I figured it was going to happen, my mom was at the point where she just got irritated at my dad.

It really didn't bother me too much actually, this time around. I was older, and I knew my parents loved me. They still cared about each other, just not in that same way.

So my mom moved into a different apartment and lived there for about two years. She had gotten layed off a year ago, so she would take me to work and stuff so I could save up for a car. This helped me tremedously. So after I got my car she moved an hour away. Now I can visit her. We're kind of diffrent though..my mom will come here to visit us, since she's been between jobs. My dad is at work and has no problem with her being in the house. She'll even do the dishes or clean whatever, lol.

Honestly, I'm so used to the way things are right now that I couldn't really imagine living with both of my parents. I have such a good relationship with my mom so its no problem. They're still friends, or atleast they talk.

My mom actually got re-married, but we've known this guy since we were babies. Er, actually he knew our dad before I was born, so its no big deal. The situation between him and my dad is a long story, which I won't get into.

My dad just recently(within the past 5 weeks) got a girlfriend. Its so strange to, simply because I never thought he would because he's always busy. But I'm happy for him.

So anyway, but to the topic. Divorce affects everyone diffrently. Like I said I was bummed when they split, but they got back together. When they did devorce, it wasn't bad. For younger children, or anyone who might need it in this situation, therapy might be good. My mom had my brother and I go when they split up. I don't know how much we really benifited from it, except the mine gave me a free sketchbook and let me draw this huge picture during one of the 'sessions'. Everyone is diffrent though.

I think my dad had a harder time with it than my mom, or my brother and I. We excepted it, he couldn't for awhile.[/SIZE]

[Nerdsy]

[color=deeppink]I was told recently by my sociology teacher that divorce is actually [i]not[/i] as detrimental as when two parents who hate each other stay together. However, this is to be taken with a grain of salt, because she's the type who believes just about anything ("Jamie Lee Curtis is a hermaphrodite, it's why she adopted." "There was a female pope, that's why there are chairs with holes in them at the Vatican!" etc).

All I can say is my parents got divorced, and I like to think I turned out reasonably well adjusted. Of course, this happened when I was all of 6 months old, so that should be taken into account.[/color]

[Guest Lemming]

I'm not sure if this helps at all, but I personally have found that I can't talk about my mother to my father, and I can't talk about my father to my mother.

I think it's because after they got divorced, they both had very different visions of how I should raised (I won't go into detail so as not to bore you) and I ended up getting caught in the middle. I felt like it eventually was more about who provided what for me, and who paid who what and so on and so forth, and now that I'm at college, and they're BOTH supporting me in ways, I feel like constantly have to balance between the two. They fought a lot even after they were divorced.

Anyway, I'd have to say that's the biggest effect. I'm not really close to either of my parents anymore, because they both pulled me different ways, and I just sort of stayed in the middle...I think..

Maybe I should be writting all this down for my own use, too...jeez..

Hope I help in some small, miniscule way.

[Raiyuu]

[quote name='Nerdsy']"There was a female pope, that's why there are chairs with holes in them at the Vatican!"[/quote]That one's actually true, heh.

I know a few people with divorced or separated parents, and honestly I wouldn't have ever guessed if they hadn't dropped mentions in conversations about "going to my dad's for the weekend" or whatever. Though as soon as it does come up I always have an awkward moment where I don't know what to say, but saying nothing usually makes that moment pass... Basically I mean that from an outsider's point of view, there doesn't seem to be any common superficial maladjustment caused by divorced parents. Obviously it affects the child in some way or other, but not in any way that you can tell just from talking to them.

Ramble, ramble.

[Flagg]

[B][SIZE=1]Well my parents have got divorced when i was 12 years old. I'm now 18 and I have a 20 and a 22 year old sister. My dad got hurt on the job and has been disabled since I was 9 months old. The only thing I can remember about before they were divorced is them fighting and screaming about some dude named Robert and me and my sisters listening from the hallway. Or going on vacation and listening to my parents argue the whole time. They were married for like 20 years so it was not like a newly wed breakup.

After they got divorced my mom moved into a little track home, and my dad moved into a 24 foot travel trailer at a trailer park. It was decided that I would go live at each house (my dad rented a place after a few months) every week since they still lived in the same town. My mom had tried a few times to get the courts to take away us from my dad saying that we were scared of him and all sorts of things. We did have to go to counseling a few times, but in the end it was decided that we were fine (as I could have told them from the start).

The impact on the family is really huge. My dad and my grandma on my mothers side used to be really good friends and got along really well, now every time I go to my grandmas house she just says things like "when is your daddy going to drop dead" and things of that sort pretty much the whole time I'm there. My parents both always did nothing but talk bad about each other after they divorce. I assumed that they were just trying to get us to hate the other parent. Both have told me things about the other that I really as their child did not want to know. Someone talking bad about your parent (even if it is your other parent) always pisses you off.

Holidays are always crappy because both sides of the family always celebrate on the same day. That's only bad because everyone lives at least an hour away from each other, so me and my sisters are always driving all over the place and can't really stay for very long anyway.

Since I turned 18 I've pretty much being staying at my moms house only because I can just stay in my room there and not be bothered all day long since nobody is really home. Both my sisters have moved out already and one has 2 children. The person named Robert that started everything had moved in with my mom not long after she moved to this current house. At first that sent me into a rage that she would have the nerve to do all the things that shes done, but after all these years I have found that I just don't care anymore. I don't talk to him ever in all the time I've lived here. He's fat and worthless in every way possible.

Both my parents want to move from my home town when I graduate which is soon. I don't want to move with either of them. I did not go to school today because my mom let her boyfriend take the car that i usually drive and then did not tell me until the morning right when I was going to leave so I had no ride (she car pools). I don't stay with my dad because he does nothing but ***** and moan to me about everything that anyone ever could ***** about. He's always talking to you the whole day and it gets old fast. You can't even shut your door because he just opens it up and keeps going. If you just try to sit down he puts you to work. He is obsessed with everything being clean so we are always cleaning the house or something. He's also obsessed with his garden and working around the house and in the yard.

Divorce is a horrible thing it can cause a lot of problems in so many different ways. If you say that its better for kids for the parents to get divorced then for them to stay with parents that fight all the time, then I'll have to say you are just wrong. Things get said about everyone when everyone in the family is taking sides so now nobody really gets along that well anyway. I would much rather have lived with parents who hated each other and fought all the time rather then lived some twisted life for 6 years.

To the parents thinking about getting a divorce I say that it would be better to stay with someone that you don't get along with (since you did make the decision to get married anyway honor it) then to screw up the lives of everyone around you.

I myself have grown up a mean person and tend to go overboard when people get on my nerves, my second older sister dropped out of high school and has 2 kids with a guy she isn't married to and hes been in jail before. My oldest sister is going to graduate from USSC. I don't really know how it affects the kids I guess, but I urge the parents to tough it out and stay together anyway.

SO!! My opinion is that divorce is a bad thing and has a huge negative effect on not only the children but everyone around them.
(sry didnt mean to tell my life story >.<)[/SIZE][/B]

[Starwind]

I, too, come from a divorced family, but it had little effect on me. I had known that my parents relationship was rocky for quite some time and was not that surprised by it when it happend.

My brother on the other hand, who is two years my junior, took it pretty hard. He became very angry and disconnected from the rest of my family. He seemed unhappy no matter where he was. Esspecially after our dad started dating again. That was pretty hard on him. He then started to blame our dad and the woman he was dating at the time (note: this same woman is now his wife.) Claiming he cheated on her and that he was scum and all kinds of unpleasantness.

The only real effect on me was caused by the stress of having to be the middle man in this whole drama. Fortunatly though as the years went on he calmed down and is doing much better. I think what happend to my brother was nothing more then a cloud of confusion. He couldn't grasp the idea that our parents weren't together anymore, while I had been aware of there problems for almost a year before the divorce.

I think parents should try to be a bit more forward with there children about such matters, because it effects the kids just as much as it does the parents. True, only the parents can ultimatly decide, but it's important to not just up and go like that. I'm starting to see a very similar event unfold the family of a friend of mine. He's doing okay because he knew things weren't right, but his brother is having a hard time.

Be forward with kids about things like this. esspecially older kids, like my brother and the brother of my friend, who are and were in there early teens at the time. There not stupid, they'll get it if you help them.

[Akuya Astarios]

Divorce is an ugly thing that affects a lot of kids all over the world daily. I myself have gone through it. Of course I was much younger at the time, but it still affected me. I came to learn the man my mother divorced, was not only a bad man, but he was also not my father, and so my and my sisters were hung in the balance of who would go where. Fortunately, my mother got all three of us. We were torn apart from my family and forced to move two states away. ( I live in the U.S.) We didn't know anybody, and we were so alone in the fact that we were the youngest kids at the time to be going through it. Trust me, everyone who has been through knows that it sucks!

[Nerdsy]

[quote name='Raiyuu']That one's actually true, heh.[/quote]

[color=deeppink]Well, there's no proof to it, and most scholars agree that it's a load of bunk. [URL=http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~pardos/PopeJoan3.html]Source 1[/URL], [URL=http://www.usnews.com/usnews/doubleissue/mysteries/pope.htm]source 2[/URL]

You're way too quick to believe rumors. ; )[/color]

[Silent_sword909]

I have a question myself after reading all of these stories: Does everyone get married, just to get divorced later on? I mean, I live in the real world, and I know sometimes people can be fickle, but aren\'t marrige vows SUPPOSED to be sacred? I mean, look at all the trouble divorce causes! Families torn apart, kids all depressed and hating thier parents; it REALLY irks me that so many people can do that to their kids. Marrige is no joke, and maybe it\'s just people rushing into things too fast. Just wanted to voice an opinion that\'s been with me for awhile. Thanks.

[Sandy]

[quote name='Silent_sword909']I have a question myself after reading all of these stories: Does everyone get married, just to get divorced later on? I mean, I live in the real world, and I know sometimes people can be fickle, but aren\'t marrige vows SUPPOSED to be sacred?[/quote]

Welcome to reality. Nothing is sacred to humankind, and I don't think anything should be, in any case.

[quote]I mean, look at all the trouble divorce causes! Families torn apart, kids all depressed and hating thier parents; it REALLY irks me that so many people can do that to their kids.[/QUOTE]

I wonder if living in an unhappy marriage causes even more trouble. A divorce doesn't have to be like your example, though. Kids don't have to suffer or start hating their parents, nor do the divorcing couple have to start hating and avoiding each other.

Many people just don't get along with each other on the long run - love isn't a stagnant emotion that would stay the same despite the hardships. It needs work and care, but sometimes it's beyond repair. In that case, a divorce is best for everybody.

- child of a broken family

[Rachmaninoff]

[QUOTE=Sojiro47][COLOR=DarkGreen]Ok, so here is a question that has been burning my mind for the last three weeks: What [i]is[/i] divorce's affects on the children/teens of these families? I know that we are an opionated group of people, we otako-kun, so I expect to see mixed results, but what have you observed. Are there any apperent affects in your students, children, siblings, ect...

I, myself, am I child of a divorced family, but I haven't actually looked for any affects on myself or friends, but others have commented. [/COLOR][/QUOTE]I don't think there is a set effect of what divorce does to a family. My parents are still together, but I have friends who have divorced parents and the situation varies so wildly that it's kind of startling. I have one friend that for all intents and purposes their parents are completely nuts, using the kids to fight and bicker and attempt to hurt their ex, regardless of what it does to the kids. I have one friend that other than missing her dad since she spends more time with her mom doesn't seem all that bothered by it. And yet another that other than the occasional fight, they are happier now that their parents are divorced since their parents fought all the time when they were still married.

So though I won't argue that it is hard on the kids, I'm sure that attempting to stay together can probably be just as hard on them as the separation is. I certainly hope my parents stay together and unless they are hiding it they certainly don't behave like they have any issues. If anything sometimes the two of them are a bit sappy at times.

[DeathKnight]

[quote name='Sandy']Welcome to reality. Nothing is sacred to humankind, and I don't think anything should be, in any case.[/quote]

[color=crimson]He's half right on the "reality" part.

Divorce rates are at about 50 percent in a couple of western countries, one of which is the United States.

You can find someone you love and marry them, it's not like that guarantees you'll fall apart. Just use some common sense- For example among my peers people rushing into marriage without really giving enough time for the relationship to grow to that level. People wonder why their marriage falls apart when they only knew someone for a year before deciding they can spend decades with them, lol.

That's only one facet of why marriages can fall apart. It's very complicated or sometimes it can be as simple as the fact that people change over time.

Still, it's not a vow that should be taken as lightly as it is. Romance is not just all fun and games, it can be trying and painful at times.[/color]

[quote name='Sandy']I wonder if living in an unhappy marriage causes even more trouble.[/quote]

[color=crimson]Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

While unhealthy, staying together with someone who has had an affair, is abusive, or you simply aren't compatible with sounds worse than divorce. The tension and stress are very intense on the body, especially if it's over long periods of time. I speak from personal expierence.

My parents have a very unhealthy relationship. The level of underlying animosity between them is astonishing. Their arguments are some of the most venomous things I've witnessed. They are older, nearing their seventies, and all the years behind them are full of ammunition for their spars. Stuff about my father's abuse when they were younger, my mother's abuse back, the lack of passion between them, and other things that I really didn't want to know and you don't want to know either. It's just.. horrible to listen to. Caustic, hateful, spiteful. It's astounding how personal and negative they can be about each other.

This kind of arguing has been going on pretty much since I can remember. At 12 there was a brief lapse when my father was kicked out of the house by a restraining order and moved in with his own mother. They didn't really reconcile.. it's more like as a matter of convenience. Financial convenience and, really, they have too many health problems to live on their own. Since then it was actually rather peaceful until recently.

I don't know if things would have been better if they were apart. All I know is that I feel guilty when I feel negative about what their actions have made me feel over the years.

They adopted a psychologically damaged five year old girl in the seventies who, a decade later, would become my biological mother. lol, her birthday gift to a guy she liked was a bag of pot and they smoked it together which cut down their inhibitions. 18 years later it's weird to think I have a bag of pot to thank for being alive.

She was not well enough mentally and emotionally to handle being a mother.. or being a person, really. I'm not sure what was wrong with her. Someone messed her up bad in the five years she was with her mother and then going through various foster homes. It's really sad. She was a beautiful woman and I've heard she had a lot of charisma but a few gears in her head were just.. not set right.

My parents adopted me and gave me a nice home, nice clothing, nice things. Gave me the chance for a good education. They just gave me the path to a better life.

I wish they could get along and that things wouldn't feel so infectiously negative around here. My situation would have been drastically worse if they had not adopted me. Being with my mother or in foster care would have really cut down on the opportunities I have now.

I can't save their marriage, only they can. I do know that what they have done for me is something I doubt I can repay them for. It would be great if someone could be the knight in shining armor for their marriage but that's just not the case.

All I can do is kind of watch their relationship self destruct now and then. Try to keep my head above the water, focus on college and my situation. Go out with my girl or get out of the house. Just try to avoid the flames, you know?

However when I have a wife, god and luck willing, we will not be so damaging to each other and any children we have emotionally and physically.[/color]