Writing Nameless Conglomerate (my poem dump) [PG - L]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange][B]EDIT[/B]: I forgot the rating!!! GAHH!!!!! If possible, could [T-L] be added to the title?!

[INDENT][COLOR=DarkRed][SIZE=1]Done though since we don't have a T for teen rating I used the PG instead since it's the same thing. ~indifference[/SIZE][/COLOR][/INDENT]

Feeling like I'm critical of everyone else without letting them be critical toward me, i decided to post some of my own mediocre poetry! In the past, most of my stuff has gone completely without acknowledgement (so much typing lost T_T) But hopefully one of you is willing to reply! I'm totally in need of decent criticism!

So, here's my first piece. It's about death or zombies or something like that. You decide. It was originally intended as a song and only when converting it to regular format did i realize all the grammar problems >_<

[CENTER][B]Intellect (Comes to Nothing)[/B]

The voice of death speaks to us all
Who lay upon this frozen soil.
It sings to us in icy sighs.
We rot and die; wither and spoil.

Where do we go with the time we have gained?
The lives we aquired now empty and drained.
The intellect is far from our souls.
We are without a path; we are without the controls.

The chill of the night, it blankets the world.
When we rise from the ash, we are fated to fall.
It all capsizes the moment we begin.
In the end we die like we were never at all.

Where do we go with the things we have learned?
With these minds left so blank, should we be more concerned?
The alleys of life left too dark to explore;
We fall through the hole when we open the door.[/CENTER][/COLOR]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR=Blue]I like your poetry...

But I like your newer work better. I see what you mean by grammer. It was hard to follow for me.

Holy Crap! I know how you feel when you read some of my work! [/COLOR]

[COLOR=Blue]All in all for me it was an okay poem. But hey, we all have bad work sometime in our life. (it's not bad, just not as good as some other stuff of yours.)[/COLOR]

[DeadSeraphim]

[size=1][color=indigo][font=arial]The only critique I can give is for you to read your own critique on Forgotten Heroe's first poem.[/font][/color][/size]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange][QUOTE=ForgotteÑ-HerÖ][COLOR=Blue]I like your poetry...

But I like your newer work better. I see what you mean by grammer. It was hard to follow for me.

Holy Crap! I know how you feel when you read some of my work! [/COLOR]

[COLOR=Blue]All in all for me it was an okay poem. But hey, we all have bad work sometime in our life. (it's not bad, just not as good as some other stuff of yours.)[/COLOR][/QUOTE]

I'm glad you think so, since I absolutely love most of my older work. I don't know why i thought this looked so good before I typed it here >_< afterword is when i realized it was going to get torn to shreds. But if you've read my old stuff, where the hell were your posts when I needed them?!

In any event, here's this strange haiku... I really need to get his one thing over here but it's so long and i'll have to rewrite it then type it up here.. I'll do that tommorrow. There was another one that I was going to use as well, but I suddenly don't like it anymore >_<

[CENTER][B]Below the Detachment[/B]

Thorns against your skin
Peel it back, let's see your truth
Watch your blood seap down

Melancholy green
Where nothing is found serene
I have found my home

Here where crimson streams
A thicket of my demise
Here where others reign

My own mind; not mine
Some else's entertainment
Let nature take hold

Feel my body rot
This forest is growing fast
Won't find a way out.[/CENTER][/COLOR]

[quote name='DeadSeraphim][size=1][color=indigo][font=arial]The only critique I can give is for you to read your own critique on Forgotten Heroe's first poem.[/font][/color'][/size][/quote]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]I knew for a fact someone would say that, lol[/COLOR]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR=Blue]Now this one I like. it may not be all that gret, but it's better than the last.[/COLOR]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange][quote name='ForgotteÑ-HerÖ][COLOR=Blue']Now this one I like. it may not be all that gret, but it's better than the last.[/COLOR][/quote]

Thanks... I guess? It must feel nice, being able to "shred my organs" for once, eh? :animesmil But that would be the reason I decided to create this thread in the first place. The only reason I critique most of the poems that come through here is because no one else seems to ever do it -- but it's not like I'm some expert. By showing you this stuff, that should be blatantly ovious, lol. In a way, i'm trying to humble myself XD

Anywho, i wrote thee two during study block. I agree -- using big and/or made up words makes me an asshole. OH WELL. For any wondering (why are you?) 'Cacophonic' = Cacophany and 'Coagamation' = Coagulation + Amalgamation. Just 3 of my favorite words that all happen to have similar definitions.

I personally really like the first one, the second one is a little iffy.

[CENTER][B]Flood The Dreams With Usurping Telegrams[/B]

My red eye has opened
Toward remembrence unearthed
Brief glimpses caught
Of everything recorded since
Time of cognition's birth
Projects on back of my eyelids
To play eternally
So many times I've watched that scene

A scene I have forgotten!

This thing rewound and recorded over
A tape now going up in flames
How many lives pass cross the screen?
When will I stop watching the death again?

While those pictures caress me
Lifting towards the opened mind
I feel crawling through melodies
The familiarity of death
I know the lyrics well
The song-skip button is my friend
Even with the importance enclosed
I'll never hear these things again

These songs I have forgotten!

This thing rewound and recorded over
A tape now going up in flames
how many lives come through the sounds?
When will I stop hearing this death again?

[B]Cacophonic Coagamation[/B]

Corrosion sweeps across my space
A space corrupted without consent
Even before they saw my face
They new exactly what it meant
To eat your own black heart away
Shoving inside things you avow
Melancholy bleeds into each day
An unsung calamity ends now

Cacophonic erupting vibrations
Eat my ears and steal my face
Words from mouths, coagamations
Take me away from this place!
Corrections that check and baance
Tear these limbs, shove them aside
Such concentrated irrelevance
Your thoughts; the reson i have died[/CENTER][/COLOR]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR=Blue]Now these last 2, Shazammm! these are very enjoyable. In fact i love these. Plus I understand the big words this time!![/COLOR]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR=DarkOrange]Since the Community Anthology thread isn't getting the kind of activity i expected, and since I have a whole lot of works and do not want to keep editing the same post over and over, here's some more.

[CENTER][B]Ever Away, Afar, Isolated[/B]

Tomorrow screams of reluctance preceeding
Wherein my failure stands avowed
Internal poison ripped away
Toward the future, marred and stained

Ever away sunlight is beaming
Screaming irises beg toward
Charades become anomalies cooked
Served with guilt I drink alone

This unfeeling creation betrothes my soul
Afar the callous breaths collapse
Continuous beating heart, isolated
My march continues on trails of fear

[B]Impromptu Estrangement[/B]

Trigger heat increase within and beneath
Before realization can take place
Written lines, spoken ties for the fault
Because of time and space resulting life

Hatred toward being the one who will show
Wouldn't have wanted this but you have gotta know
This is not for show
This is NOT FOR SHOW!

Scars on every lifeline spoken within
Cuz of elemental environmental prose
I haven't tasted the god you're so fond of
Upon site I think i'd have to let him know

Hatred toward being the one who will show
Wouldn't have wanted this but you have gotta know
This is not for show
This is NOT FOR SHOW!

A killing time I've tried so long to see
Corruption, eruption i knew wasn't real
Every eye that cries encompass thoroughly
Amplified the time I scream it in your ear

Hatred toward being the one who will show
Wouldn't have wanted this but you have gotta know
This is not for show
This is NOT FOR SHOW!
This is not for show
THIS IS NOT FOR SHOW!!![/CENTER][/COLOR]