Writing my poem

[Guest sk8b33]

I've been waiting, just for you
I've been praying, just for you
I've been dreaming, just for you

No longer will I wait,
No longer will I pray,
No longer will I dream

Fading distant memories,
your soft and soothing voice,
your love,
your care,
your kindness

It sweeps from me,
I try desperately to hold on,
but I no longer have the strength

Your smooth complexion,
your enchanting eyes,
I try to bring them back,
but i no longer have the strength.

I move on,
forgetting the times and moments that we've shared,
forgetting the laughs and hugs that we've embraced

I no longer need your memories,
your voice,
or your love,

all I need is me.




plz comment on it, and help me perfect it! thank u:catgirl:

[Break]

There is definitely potential here; I think all poems about this sort of thing always hit a nerve somewhere with someone.

I think your repetition at the start reeks of a cheesy love-ballad. There is not much you can do with the words there, but it would be good perhaps to not repeat or even just keep it to one line. I won't do that for you, otherwise it woudn't be your poem.

"Fading distant memories"

I think either fading or distant would fit here, but not both. I think the use of two descriptive word makes it sound almost unintelligent. Less is sometimes more. Perhaps just "Fading memories"?

The rest of the poem, basically, is just dealing in cliches too much. Here are the main culprits:

"I no longer have the strength"
"smooth complexion"
"enchanting eyes"
"moments that we've shared"

These need to be made more interesting; keep the sense of the words, or maybe even make it stronger, but use adjectives and phrases that people won't yawn at. It is better for them to be unique so they will jump out at you (there's a cliche!). Try a thesaurus, or read more: it helps.

"The laughs and hugs that we've embraced"

This is grammatically incorrect, you can't embrace a laugh or a hug. You can embrace, which basically is a hug, though. Figure out what word will fit there instead. Maybe even change the line - it's up to you.

"I no longer need your memories"

It should be "memories of you". Also "I no longer need" seems a long and rickety way to say such a simple thing. People value ease and simplicity over flowery clauses sometimes. I noticed you used it before as well. Make it flow better by changing the phrase itself, but, as always, keep the meaning.

I don't think the "or" in the last stanza works. It sounds too much like a list. Get rid of it.

Overall? Well, I won't lie, it seems pretty generic. Make it a bit different, a bit more interesting, and it would stand out a little. Try not to repeat so much; it might sound good at the time but it doesn't.

Keep at it!