Writing Trinity Limit [PG-VL]

[sakazaki]

[FONT=Tahoma][COLOR=DarkSlateGray][SIZE=1]sakazaki presents: [B][U]Trinity Limit [PG-LV][/B][/U]

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Mizuki sat jolted up, sweating all over and panted really hard. The alarm clock was ringing very loudly. Just a nightmare, she thought. She pressed hard on the alarm clock which made it stop ringing. Shaken and confused she kicked the covers off and went towards the bathroom. After taking her bath and brushed her teeth, she went towards the chest of drawers. She ransacked for her light green kimono with butterflies and wore it. It was New Year’s Eve and she promised her friends that she will come early. Mizuki then went in front of her mirror and placed her butterfly hair ornament on the right side of her short light brown hair. She was all set. Mizuki took her handbag that was left on the table and rushed towards the festival.

It took her approximately ten minutes to reach Tenjo Bridge, the bridge which lies along Sakura River. The time now was currently half-past ten, which was the time Mizuki promised to meet her friends underneath the bridge. The people there were staring at her when she lifted her kimono up slightly and jumped over the bridge. Being a martial artist, jumping off the bridge and landing on the platform below it was a piece of cake. When she successfully done it, Sho and Hikaru were there already.

[B]“Konichiwa, minna-san! How long have you waited?”

“We just arrived as well,”[/B] said Sho.

Sho stands at 6”2 which makes him the tallest and the eldest of the three of them. He was wearing a brown kimono that has blue vertical lines that really matched with his semi-spiky black hair. Both his eyes are black in color as well. Sho and Mizuki met when they were just five years of age, during a game. Now, Sho is a very good friend to Mizuki, specializing in his great endurance in fighting, he always plays the role of both Hikaru and Mizuki’s bodyguards although they can take care of themselves quite well.

[B]“So…you finally woke up, huh?”[/B] Hikaru interrupted.

Standing at 5”5, Hikaru has short dark blue hair. Hikaru’s left eye is dark blue while the right eye is light green in color, because she met with an accident a long time ago. Both Mizuki and Hikaru treat each other like sisters. Her full name is Kanasawa Hikaru. Hikaru is normally called as Hiku by Mizuki. She possesses lighting speed but unfortunately, she lack stamina. Well…singing is her other talent…

[B]“New Year's Eve will end like two hours later. Let’s kill some time, how’s that?”[/B]

Both Hikaru and Mizuki nodded at Sho’s suggestion. The three of them climbed back up the bridge and played some of the festival games which include ‘catching the fishes with paper net’ and ‘throwing balls at various targets’. When it was fifteen minutes to midnight, they went to a pond where Sho said that fireworks can be seen very clearly there. There was still fifteen minutes left till midnight, so they sat beside the pond and talked about the past.

[B]“Hey, Mizuki…”[/B] said Sho.

[B]“Yeah?”

“Do you still remember the time when you were just five and kick the soccer ball? I say, you’re a pretty good soccer player.”

“Why you said that?”[/B] asked Hikaru with curiosity gleaming in her eyes.

[B]“It’s because the ball that she kicked landed on my stomach with so much force, sent me flying back until I reached the big oak tree. Haha, you ought to see the look on Miki’s face, boy was she worried…”

“Of course I was worried, Sho. Who wouldn’t be worried when her best friend went flying and banged onto a tree like that? Then again Sho, do you still remember the time when you were drowning and Tohru saved you?”

“Heck, yeah. Where is he anyway? He promised to meet us here.”

“Okurei mashite, sumimasen!”[/B] Tohru’s voice can be heard among the bushes.

Tohru Honda is 17 years old, his appearance closely resembles to Fye from Tsubasa Chronicles. He saved Sho’s life from drowning a long time ago, that’s how they met. For the festival, he wore a black gi and a white hakama. Now that everyone had arrived and there are still five minutes before midnight, they decided to wait patiently. What they didn’t know is that someone or something is lurking in the shadows, ready to strike.

[B]“Somehow I feel that something bad is going to happen…”[/B] said Mizuki.

[B]“Oh, come on Miki. Don’t say things like that, you should be optimistic, like you’ve always been!”[/B] replied Hikaru.

[B]“No…she’s right, you should be afraid…be very afraid…”

“Who’s that?!”[/B] Sho and Tohru got up and became more cautious than before. [B]“Be alert you two, someone’s there…”[/B]

Mizuki and Hikaru nodded. The wind died down suddenly and only the sounds of crickets singing can be heard. Then, a crack is heard among the bushes, which instantly tells them that the intruder is in there somewhere. Being brave, Tohru and Sho close in on the bushes, ready to strike whenever possible. Slowly, they crept nearer and nearer towards the bushes without any sound. Both Hikaru and Mizuki followed behind slowly.

Suddenly, a black figure can be seen flying out from the bushes, lashing on Tohru’s ankle which sends him into the bushes. Sho ran towards him but stopped when the black figure jumped out from the bushes. The figure stared and grinned at them. Tohru was still screaming for help, he also tried to free himself but to no avail.

The figure then jumped high and disappeared into the sky together with Tohru. After that, fireworks began shooting into the sky as if there were trying to shoot down the black figure. The three of them couldn’t believe their eyes. Tohru was taken by an unknown black figure. How should they explain to his parents?

[B]“Tohru-kun…”[/B] Hikaru can hear Mizuki whispering to herself.

[B]“It’s alright, he’ll be fine…”[/B]

[CENTER]|*|[/CENTER]

[RIGHT]The next day…[/RIGHT]

Mizuki walked down the staircase slowly and then sat beside the dining table. She placed her head on the table and tried to close her eyes but failed to because Hikaru gave her a light slap on the back. Hikaru placed a cup of Milo on the table beside her head together with two pieces of bread which was placed on a plate. Then, Hikaru sat in front of her which made Misuki’s eyes follow.

[B]“Still worried about Tohru-kun? Sho and I will go to his parents’ house after this. You want to tag along?”

“What we will say to his parents, Hiku?”

“Sho and I will think about that on the way. So, are you coming or not?”

“Sure. Wait ‘till I finished breakfast.”[/B]

Mizuki gobbled her breakfast and walked upstairs towards her room gloomily. She shut the door behind her slowly and slid down with her back against it. She was clearly very stressed out. Lazily, she took her casual outfit which consists of a white jacket, her light brown trousers and a black shirt to be worn inside. The jacket was zipped until her chest level. Then she shook her hair wildly which strangely made her brown hair look better. After getting dressed, the doorbell was heard ringing in their apartment.

Thinking that her sister Hikaru might still be getting dressed, she went downstairs to greet their visitor. Hurriedly, she slide down the staircase’s handle and jumped off just before it ended towards the door. As she opened it, the door gave a slight push. This made her whole body pushed backwards. Surprised, she stared at the door. From where she is, she can hear Hikaru calling her to greet Sho in. But, her sixth sense told her not to.

When Hikaru came downstairs, the door pushed until it opened. Mizuki managed to shield her sister from harm. Then, at the door was the black figure, but only now its figure is more man-like. Just as the figure was about to strike, Sho’s presence seemed to alert it.

[B]“Hey! What do you think you’re doing, huh?!”[/B]

After he said that sentence, the figure disappeared. Sho rushed over to Hikaru and Mizuki. Both of were unharmed, except maybe for a few minor scratches on Mizuki’s arms. Hikaru walked over to where the first-aid kit was and took out a bottle of antiseptic and applied it on Mizuki’s injury.

[B]“You okay, Mizuki?”

“Yeah. You worry too much, Sho.”

“I’m just concerned. I’m sure that Hikaru feels the same as I do.”

“…I guess so… Anyway, aren’t we going to Tohru’s house?”

“Right. Let’s get going then.”[/B]

The three of them went towards their destination which was the house of the Honda family. The feeling of nervousness and anxiety are tingling in their spines. Questions such as ‘what will his mother feel?’ and ‘what’s going to happen to the family next?’ raced through their minds. When they’ve reached the auburn roofed house, Sho pressed the doorbell and both Tohru’s mom and dad opened the door.

[B]“Ohayou, Mr. and Mrs. Honda,”[/B] Sho greeted them.

[B]“Ohayou gozaimasu, minnasan,”[/B] they replied.

Hikaru can see that Sho is unable to start a serious conversation so, she does what she does best, [B]“Well you see Mr. and Mrs. Honda, you’re son Tohru Honda had been kidnapped…or so it seems…”[/B]

Both Mr. and Mrs. Honda looked at each other, [B]“Kidnapped? Oh come on, Hikaru. You know us much better than we do; since when do we even HAVE a son?”[/B] Mrs. Honda chuckled.

[B]“But I’m not joking! I’m DEAD serious.”

“Now, Hikaru, girls at your age shouldn’t speak like that; it’s rude. Anyway, don’t bother us over some petty joke about my ‘son’ being kidnapped. If I’ve not mistaken, the only ‘son’ that we have is an Akita named Kuri.”[/B]

Mizuki stepped up, defending her friend, [B]“Hey, pretending that you don’t even have a son is much ruder than Hiku!”

“Why you--”[/B] Mr. Honda threatened to punch Mizuki.

[B]“Aaahhh…Mr. Honda, you’re no fun at all,”[/B] Sho stepped in between Tohru’s dad and Mizuki. [B]“You’ve got us. It was a joke…heheh…heh… Anyway, see ya!”[/B] Sho grabbed his two friends at their wrists and dragged them far from their sight.

The three ran until they’ve reached the Sakura River. The festival is over by now so it was empty. Mizuki jumped over the bridge and landed on the pavement below. The other two did the same. After a few minutes of silence, Mizuki got fed up and took a rock just to throw it at the calm river.

[B]“What the heck does Mr. Honda thinks, huh? He HAD a son for like seventeen years now!”

“Calm down, Miki. I was surprised as well. So, our next move, Sho?”[/B]

Sho was bummed as well. They couldn’t be pretending…could they? Maybe they’re trying to hide their true feelings from them, or maybe…it’s something else. After all, anything could happen after New Year’s Day. [B]“I don’t know. Just let time pass maybe?”

“Miki is going nuts. She’s losing control every second.”

“I know that…”

“Arrgghh! I just can’t take it! How is it possible for them to not even know that they had a son?!”

“…because I wiped their memory of him, silly girl...”

“Huh?”[/B] the three exclaimed. A black shadow seemed to turned into a human figure right in front of them. A tall person wearing a black trench coat with a hood; it was the shadow that they’ve seen last night!

[B]“Give us back our Tohru!”

“Haha… You must be joking. Give you back your Tohru Honda? I believe that’s impossible…”

“Impossible is nothing. Give him back.”[/B] Sho added.

[B]“Well I’m not giving him for free.”[/B]

Mizuki clenched her fists and darted towards the mysterious man, [B]“You took him for free!”

“You don’t know who you’re dealing with! Shadow Vortex!”[/B]

OOC: Hehe...do send some feedback... I've just started this yesterday...^^[/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=Black]Okay. You're not a bad writer, but from your writing you seem a little inexperienced, and so rather than nitpick on stuff, I just want to give you general advice that applies to the whole story, and then give you some illustrations of what I mean.

1) Firstly, you need to work on your grasp of grammar, specifically tenses. One of the things that continually throws me when I read this story is that you swap between them within the space of a sentence. If you speak to your English teacher [I'm assuming you're in High school] or even an English tutor [if you're at a uni level], then they'll be able to help you, because you need to get the hang of a consistant tense when writing; it's something that will be needed not just for creative writing but for numerous other styles as well. We all mix them up, and it's only through revision that a writer will realise their mistake and correct it.

2) You need to cut down on the adverbs and adjectives. While it seems like they help you describe what's happening, they actually just bog the story down. They tend not to fit into the description very well, and it's actually easier to read if, when you're revising, every time you see something like 'really hard' or 'very loudly' you ask, do you really need it? The answer is generally no, and in fact you are probably better without it.

3) Finally, but most importantly, at some points you over-describe. For instance, [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][COLOR=Black][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]She ransacked for her light green kimono with butterflies and wore it.[/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/COLOR][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=DarkSlateGray][COLOR=Black] is a little over descriptive. You're telling us too much. Instead, just say, "[I]She had to look everywhere to find her light green[/I] [what type of light green? Lime? Moss? Mint? Instead of saying 'light green' say, 'mint green', because it brings a more exact picture] [I]kimono, the one with the butterfly pattern. [/I]You [I]don't[/I] need to tell us that she wore it; that's inferred.

One of the basics of writing is this rule that you'll hear over and over again; show, don't tell. I'll give you an example: [I]showing[/I] would be saying, "[I]She walked outside to talk to someone". Telling[/I] would be saying, "[I]She walked to the brown door, turned the handle, opened it, stepped outside and closed it again, then turned to speak to the person outside." [/I]Everything in the second sentence in inferred in the first. You don't need the extra words.[/COLOR]
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As for some illustrations of what I mean:

[quote]Mizuki sat jolted up, sweating all over and panted really hard. [/quote]
[/COLOR][COLOR=Black]You need to look at the construction for this sentence, because you've got your tenses confused. It would be better as [I]Mizuki jolted upright, sweating all over and panting for breath. [/I]or something like that. I'd get rid of 'panted really hard' because it just sounds a little juevenile -- it's that extra words thing again. [/COLOR][COLOR=Black]

[quote]The alarm clock was ringing very loudly.[/quote]

Would actually sound better without the 'very loudly', an example of adverbs and adjectives. [I]The alarm clock was ringing. Just a nightmare, she thought. [/I]would flow better.[/COLOR]
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[quote]After[/COLOR][COLOR=Black][COLOR=Red]taking [/COLOR]her bath and [/COLOR][COLOR=Black][COLOR=Red]brushed[/COLOR] her teeth, she went towards the chest of drawers.[/quote]

Check your tense here. It needs to agree. 'Taking her bath and brushing her teeth' or 'She took her bath and brushed her teeth'. [/COLOR][COLOR=Black]

[quote]The time now was currently half-past ten, which was the time Mizuki promised to meet her friends[strike] underneath the bridge[/strike].[/quote]

You don't actually need to say 'underneath the bridge' here, because we get that in the next few sentences when your character uses her ninja skills to jump off the bridge and meet her friends.


[quote]Tohru Honda is 17 years old, his appearance closely resembles to Fye from Tsubasa Chronicles. [/quote]

My last real point: don't [I]ever[/I] say a character looks like someone from a world that isn't a part of your own. [I]Describe[/I] the character yourself, particularly since a reader like me doesn't actually know what Fye looks like. Say something like, "Tohru had a strong build with a pleasant face and striking dark eyes,", because I honestly don't know what you're getting at by telling me he looks like Fye.



So those are my basic points. For the most part, you've got a good story here, but you need to tighten it up and edit it. ^_^ Keep going!
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