Family Troubles(?)

[NightmareVC]

[COLOR="Red"]So today my family ( minus my older brother) was out eating. My mom and dad sat at one side of the table, while my little brother and I sat on the other. My dad was across from me. My little brother was talking to me about pretty girls and other stuff. We were making jokes about guy stuff.

When, suddenly, my mom started chewing out my little brother. He asked what he did, and she brings something up that's completely irrelevant. He claims his innocence, saying that was a while ago. She stays on it, telling him to grow up. " I'm only 14!" he said, astonished that she would say such a thing. She talks about beating him when we got home. He says that he fights back ( like I do). Then she says something completely unexpected, almost yelling it: " I can make sure you stop at 14."

Sounding completely serious.

After that, she storms away. I was shocked, to say the least. I though to myself," This woman won custody of us in the divorce case?" [My mom and dad had a divorce because he allegedly beat her and my older brother.] Although, I talked to him. He said that he only " hit " her once, and it was a push. He never really hit any of us, come to think of it. All he did was push my mom and older brother. Once each.

So now, this woman who was supposedly abused almost a decade ago is threatening to kill my little brother. Now, I don't know about you other brothers, but I'm very protective of mine little man. So, since one action was enough to make my dad lose us in court. Is it enough to make her lose us as well? She's done more, in fact. Tried beating us with a belt and such. Although, like my little brother, I fight back and kept her away from him until my big brother came and restrained her.

So the two questions of this thread are:

1.)Have you ever had any family problems?
2.)What should I do?:animecry:[/COLOR]

[AmnesiacKaiten]

Wow... Sounds alot like a person that I know. Its really sad that some women have to lie to look like the victim or the good guy.

Personally, I would wait until you are 18 and try to get guardian status of your little brother and get him out of that house. Maybe she was just having a bad day or something. Sometimes fighting back isnt the best solution for this form of "discipline". If you can't stand looking at her, its best to let her do what she does and then call the police, it might sound redundant and useless, but it will help.

As for me, I've never had any family problems, I never had a chance to meet my dad for real and my mom died 4 years ago.

Good luck with your problem, you sound like a great person.

[Darren]

I'm terribly sorry for what happened to you and your little brother. I have an older brother, and while the boy (well he's 18, so I guess that makes him a man) doesn't need protecting (being a 6'1", 190 lbs of muscled marine) I still feel protective. The only thing he needs is some common sense; something that I give gladly. So I know what you mean, but I'm getting off topic here.

Anyway, it sounds like you're being a bit biased against your mom. Granted that I don't know the situation and your living environment, so I'm not trying to sound rude, but even the quotes you provided (Given that those are the [I]exact[/I] words that she said) can be misunderstood.

The first thing I thought of when I read that quote, was that she was telling him that she can make sure your brother stops acting "childish" at 14 or she can make sure that he stops fighting back at 14... Only when, I read further did it occur to me that she could have been talking about that... (Also, I wasn't there, so I wouldn't know)

But on the note of custody, did your mom get full custody? Does your dad have visitation rights? Are you allowed to spend weekends with him or something? Basically I'm asking this because I find it hard to believe that your mother would get full custody with a few pushes. In order to take a child away from their parent, there is a full investigation when the word "abuse" is brought up. They need pictures, multiple quotes from several different people about your father's behavior. (Not just two. And taking what your brother said, I highly doubt that two pushes would qualify as abuse) a psychological evalutaion if needed, and maybe even a polygraph test... It's not something that they just take the mother's word for; it's a lot more complicated than that.

[quote name='AmnesiacKaiten']Personally, I would wait until you are 18 and try to get guardian status of your little brother and get him out of that house.[/QUOTE]
And I would also just like to point out that this scenario is highly unlikely. Most judges would never consider taking a child away from its mother. That's one the hardest things to do. Unless their being beaten, not cared for, or the mother's an addict, it's very hard. Also, it would be next to impossible to gain custody over your brother. If you managed to get him taken away from your mother, he wouldn't go to a new adult, who's not capable of taking care of himself. I'm not saying that you're not capable; just saying that if you're just out of high school, no degree, no substantial job to pay the bills and feed two, the judge would never consider you for guardianship. More than likely, he would go to the next of kin. (Maybe your Dad's parents or siblings. Your mom's family? Whatever is most suited for the court) But once again, it seems a little illogical to try that attmpt anyway.

Once agian, I'm sorry for what's happened, but I can't say that I would jump to the same conclusion as you did, and I can't say that a judge would either. And, not to sound biased against you two again: Cut the woman some slack. She's raising two (or is it three?) boys on her own, and probably has to put up with "guy talk" all the time. Be respectful of what other's feel. Just because she's your mother doesn't mean that she would approve of what you were talking about. (Not that I know exactly what you were saying) She's a woman, a single? mother, and it sounds like she got a little stressed out. Parents are known to come with built-in melt down buttons.

Relax, take a few deep calming breaths, think about what happened and try to put yourself in her shoes. (Maybe she had a bad day and it just backfired on you two) And if you're still worried, maybe you should talk to her about it.
In any case, I wouldn't be so quick to jump to conclusions and accuse your mother of death-threats... There's already been a divorce and a custody battle. It's best to try and salvage what's left of your family's relationships and get on with life.

[Sandy]

To me it sounds that your mother is under a lot of stress, so you really should not push her anymore than necessary. Death threats (especially towards your own children) are of course inexcusable, but I think she realized that, since she walked away.

So my advice is to be nice to her, no matter what she did in the past. After all she sounds like she actually cares about you guys - something that cannot be said from all mothers.

As for my family troubles? Well, my alcoholic mother's in jail for manslaughter. 'Nuff said.

[Rachmaninoff]

[quote name='Sandy']As for my family troubles? Well, my alcoholic mother's in jail for manslaughter. 'Nuff said.[/QUOTE]>_< Sorry to hear that. Honestly, I can't even imagine that since my mom's a sweetheart.

Anyway, looks like both Darren and Sandy beat me to it but definately don't be so quick to jump to conclusions. Darren is correct in that the court doesn't just hand over custody over one account of abuse, it takes far more than that. And in the end, if you really thought she was threatening to kill him, did it ever occur to you to ask her? You say you were just making jokes about guy stuff, but just what did those jokes entail? Where you being crude and vulgar? I know plenty of mom's who get upset to hear that kind of stuff being said by their kids.

You say what she brought up was irrelevant but without knowing what was said or just what she brought up I can't agree with that. Obviously on some level, to her it was relevant. If anything perhaps you should try talking to her once she's cooled off. After all, the fact that she did leave shows that even she could tell she was getting too angry. And her bit about making someone stop may have had nothing to do with killing someone. So don't assume that it did. After all you can't read her mind.

[NightmareVC]

[COLOR="Red"]The reason she stormed away was because we were at a buffet and her plate was empty. she's an obese woman that cares too much about food.

As for the custody rights, he can see us every weekend or as she sees fit. Which just happened to be today because he got off work and we needed to pick him up. His brother, my uncle, gave us money to go eat afterwards which is probably the only reason she agreed. So he was there when it happened and the look on his face was an angry one because she blamed him for " the way that kid turned out"(exact phrase).

I was "taught" in school that when parents start referring to their children as " kids", it's not a good sign for the relationship. This was, of course, in health class talking about healthy families.

Considering y'all don't know the full story, here's what happened ( as I remember it) after the separation.

------In a nutshell

Mom drives up in the car after school with trash bags in the back filled with clothes. She takes us to a " safe haven" for battered parents where, basically, the parent is treated like God where as we are not worthy to be in God's presence. We could hardly us the restroom without her being there.
Later, she gets a job. We move, I switch schools. Yay! I get to make new friends! That doesn't happen. We move again the next year. Out of town this time, leaving it all behind.
I get abused by the students, teachers AND principle at the new school. Mom wasn't going to take me out of there. But older brother (thank God for him) talked sense into her. We all get home schooled. We move again a few months later.
Half way between where we just left and where my dad is living lies our new town. We get a trampoline. Big brother bottles up anger from either:
1. reality sets in that dad's gone
2. hates the new responsibility of being the new alpha-male.
And takes it out on us. teaching us it's alright to hurt people and living things. No exception for each other.
He give me a choice: Beat little brother up on trampoline or go two-on-one with little brother against him.
Went both ways until little brother and I staged what would happen. Dad finds us, and is friends with mom again.

----------

While the trampoline thing took place, mom knew all about it. He also, practically made us kill kittens. If not? We'd be punished. We have to work to get anything in our house. Basically, Big bro is now dad.

As for the custody, he hadn't laid a finger on me or little brother. But, big brother told us what to say he did. Being only 10 and threatened by him: we agreed. So basically, Dad lost us for no good reason at all. Can you fathom the amount of guilt that follows me everywhere?

There was more, but I don't really feel like going into it right now.

I hope that helps justify my situation and accusations.[/COLOR]

-forgive my errors-

[Rachmaninoff]

[quote name='NightmareVC'][COLOR="Red"]The reason she stormed away was because we were at a buffet and her plate was empty. she's an obese woman that cares too much about food.[/color][/QUOTE]You're making an assumption again. :animesigh And it's still a bit hard to get the whole picture here since some of what you say makes no sense. I mean who is 'big brother' since I got the impression that it was you, your little brother, and your mom and dad at the restaurant. I'm assuming now that you have an older brother as well. And to be frank it sounds like you've got a negative attitude towards your mom as well. I'm not saying she hasn't been a bad parent, it just looks like she's getting all the blame for a marriage that didn't work out.

And yes divorces are full of all sorts of messed up problems, just don't be so quick to point fingers, since it sounds like this 'big brother' is equally as messed up as your mom perhaps even more so if he 'practically' made you kill kittens, though I'm not sure how that works. Anyway, regardless I do hope things get better or at least calm down in the near future.

[NightmareVC]

[COLOR="Red"]Right... assumptions. That's why she came back with a plate full of food and began eating hungrily? "Big brother" is my older brother. If it were me, I would say " me/I". I wish the marriage worked now, but that's not what matters is it? I just asked for advice, not for you to critique my life.
So far all I've done was answer questions. Then you question my answers? On top of that, disrespect my family, calling them messed up? I don't remember asking for you to tell me what you thought [b]about[/b] my family.
What did I ever do to you?[/COLOR]

[Rachmaninoff]

[quote name='NightmareVC'][COLOR="Red"]Right... assumptions. That's why she came back with a plate full of food and began eating hungrily? "Big brother" is my older brother. If it were me, I would say " me/I". I wish the marriage worked now, but that's not what matters is it? I just asked for advice, not for you to critique my life.
So far all I've done was answer questions. Then you question my answers? On top of that, disrespect my family, calling them messed up? I don't remember asking for you to tell me what you thought [b]about[/b] my family.
What did I ever do to you?[/COLOR][/QUOTE]Slow down there, don't get so worked up here. It's common knowledge that divorced families are messed up, it's hard on the parents and the kids. And come on! Surely you expected people to honestly say what they got from what you posted instead of an instant I'm sorry do this sort of deal. You're talking about a potentially explosive situation, and I for one would not blindly give advice without asking for more information. Try taking that chip off your shoulder and calm down. After all you yourself pointed out how things were messed up, all I did was restate that. :animesigh And you seem more angry than anything.

All I'm saying... is try to look beyond your mom's actions to see if there is more going on instead of saying it's all her fault. That was my advice, since that too is often true in these cases, both parents make mistakes, I don't expect you to follow the advice and realistically it's not the best advice since other than what you've said I don't know the 'whole' story.

[NightmareVC]

[COLOR="Red"]I've looked past it being her for a long time. That's why I asked for advice because it had never been this bad before. I mean, she would get angry over a few things. She even said," I don't love you!" before among other things. Never threats of bodily harm to that degree, though.

Honest to goodness, I'm used to being told," I don't love you," and ," I'll beat you till _______!!" It just seemed, this time, it was more personal and demented. He is my little brother and after all we've gone through, he's like part of me. We do almost everything together and our parents always refer to one of us as " they". Because we normally think alike.

So it was as bad, if not worse, than if she said it to me. I could go on a rant about how much we lack, but it doesn't really matter to you (plural). It doesn't change anything about what I should do. At least, I don't think it should.

Yeah, you're right. Divorced families are messed up.[/COLOR]

[Aaryanna]

[COLOR="goldenrod"][FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Coming from a divorced family myself (though my Mom and Dad are pretty nice) I'm going to jump in here:[quote name='NightmareVC;787485][COLOR="Red"]I've looked past it being her for a long time. That's why I asked for advice because it had never been this bad before. I mean, she would get angry over a few things. She even said," I don't love you!" before among other things. Never threats of bodily harm to that degree, though.[/COLOR][/QUOTE]Try to understand, until you clarified this, people can't read your mind, they don't know these things until you tell them. So you got responses based on what little information you gave. And that's easy to misunderstand. No one here knew that she said "I don't love you" or that she threatened to harm you. We can't read your mind you know. ^_~[quote name='NightmareVC;787485][COLOR="Red"']Honest to goodness, I'm used to being told," I don't love you," and ," I'll beat you till _______!!" It just seemed, this time, it was more personal and demented. He is my little brother and after all we've gone through, he's like part of me. We do almost everything together and our parents always refer to one of us as " they". Because we normally think alike. [/COLOR][/quote]If you're use to hearing her say that, that's sad. Even though my parents are divorced neither one has ever said such a hateful thing to me. [QUOTE=NightmareVC'][COLOR="Red"]So it was as bad, if not worse, than if she said it to me. I could go on a rant about how much we lack, but it doesn't really matter to you (plural). It doesn't change anything about what I should do. At least, I don't think it should.

Yeah, you're right. Divorced families are messed up.[/COLOR][/QUOTE]Also, don't assume people here don't care, if they didn't they wouldn't bother to respond at all. So seriously, take Rach's advice, take a deep breath and chill just a little. Obviously the whole thing is upsetting, I can only imagine. It sounds to me like your mom needs some counseling to deal with her anger. And my advice? It sounds like you need it as well, a counselor, someone who you can talk to who knows how to give you good advice on how to handle a situation like that. If that's not possible then perhaps a friend you can confide in. [/FONT][/COLOR]

[NightmareVC]

[COLOR="Red"]I thought about that as well. Although, I can don't know if I can put out there to my mom because she tends to ignore problems. Like, say, how our water got cut off 2 days ago and our internet is as well.

If I try to use those as examples, she'll say that it's because it's " that times of the month" if you know what I mean. So I don't really know if I can win this. I do have people that I can talk to though, it's just doing it. Isn't exactly comfortable.

Thanks for the advice=][/COLOR]