Writing MindWriting [Curse this unweildly rating system! I'll go with 16+, L]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR="Indigo"]This is an idea I came up with out of my own lack of ability to write. I quickly took hold of it and absolutely love what I'm getting so far. Hopefully you all agree!

[CENTER][B]MindWriting[/B]

[B]by[/B]: Conrad (21st Century Digital Boy) C.

[B]Chapter One[/B]: Digging the Dredge Deeper[/CENTER]

Always with music, soda, and an empty room. That's how the writing must be done. Try not to sing the lyrics - try to concentrate now. This is the story you've been writing in your mind for so long. Start typing. You know what it looks like so put it into words. Look at that image and describe it to the keyboard. There you go...

[I][CENTER]I am dead? No... what happened? And where am I? Kiala sat up and looked around from the mat of a bed on which she sat. Her location was instantly evident - a jail cell! With quick inspection of her own she found herself to be wearing black and white striped pajamas. This was without a doubt jail... but why was she here? Suddenly there was a crunch of someone biting into an apple. Kiala turned quickly to the bars that made up a wall of her cell. There was a man sitting behind a huge, cluttered oak desk. He was wearing a light blue police uniform and biting into an apple. The first thing Kiala noticed about him was his size - the man was very thin, but looked to be about 8 feet tall!

[B]"E-excuse me,"[/B] Kiala meekly begged. [B]"Sir?"[/B] The man turned to face her. He had very kind features - she felt warm just looking at him. [B]"Am I really... in jail?"[/B] The man smiled.

[B]"Hm,"[/B] he rose to his feet, standing so tall that Kiala had to look up to see his face,[B]"While you are awaiting trial, this is not a regular jail. Missy, you're in Heaven's Jail-house!"[/B][/CENTER][/I]

[B]"No, dammit! That doesn't sound right at all!"[/B] Yume Bokkaku slammed his finger on the delete button, holding it until every word had disappeared and then a bleeping sound began sounding from the speakers of his computer. He gripped the sides of his keyboard and slammed them on the desk, growling in rage as he did so. With great ferocity he snatched up his cup and stepped from his chair, cross the room, down the stairs, and straight to the fridge.

[B]"I'll never finish a novel before graduating high school. Two more years of bullshit lies ahead and I can't even finish the first damn chapter..."[/B] Yume continued to crumble to himself as green liquid poured into his gavel of a cup. As he plopped back down in his rolling chair he let out a massive sigh. A soft but powerful male voice radiated from the speakers and filled his body. His nerves gradually calmed and his body seemed to slump with the same depression he was feeling inside. Sighing once more, he reached behind his head and pulled his long dark hair out of it's ponytail.

[B]"Here we go... down that same ol' road again..."[/B] he whispered along with the all-too-fitting lyrics as he doused the lights and flicked off his computer monitor, taking to the stack of mattresses he considered his bed. Eternity itself seemed to wash over him as he gazed into the blackness and softly spoke the tune he knew so well.

He felt the need to cry

[CENTER]***

[I][B]"Excuse me..."[/B] Kiala spoke softly. [B]"Sir?" [/B]A grinning face turned to her as the man revealed very kind features that made Kiala feel warm in his presence. [B]"Am I in jail, for real?"[/B] The man almost giggled as he rose to his feet.

[B]"Not quite there, deary. You're waiting on trial in River Styx Jail, Courthouse, And Penitentiary. Odd as this may sound - you've died!"[/B][/I][/CENTER]

[B]"AUUUUUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!"[/B] Rather tan hold it down, this time Yume pressed the key individually over and over watching closely as each character disappeared, placing a distinct rage into each press. [B]"It's the best concept I've ever had, so what the HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!"[/B] As he stood up, he added, [B]"And what guy says DEARY?!"[/B] He rushed from the room, storming out into the living room where his younger siblings were sitting glued to the TV as the Saturday morning toons played.

[B]"Where ya' goin'?"[/B] 14-year old Joey inquired excitedly.

[B]"If you follow me I'll cut your freaking throat!" [/B]The younger sibling retreated his questioning in favor of poorly translated Japanese entertainment. Equipped with hat and sandles, Yume stormed out into the warm summer's outdoors. After a moment to take a breath of fresh air, he stepped from the porch down to the sidewalk and began a directionless journey into the neighborhood.

[I]What am I going to do with myself? I hate this place. This place where one must be unhappy to be happy. There's only one way I can live my life the way I want to. I have to get rich quick. I have to be a success before I even graduate high school. The only way I can live with myself is to live the way I want to. I'd rather die... I'd rather die than give in! So I have to fight! I have to do this![/I]

Yume's walk became a run as determination charged through his veins. In his head a mantra bled through every corner of his thoughts. [B]Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight![/B] Many other thoughts came to shoulder it.

[I]Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! But I'm too weak! Fight! I can't do anything! Fight! Fight! No, I can really become what I want to be! That's the only thing worth living for! Fight! Fight! Fight! Do you believe that?! Fight! I HAVE TO! Fight! Fight! Give in! You can still find a way to live! Fight! No! I'd rather die! Fight! Fight! Fight! Aren't you too weak to even end your own life?! Fight! Fight! That's only because I know I can do it! Fight! Fight! Fight! FIGHT![/I]

Then all at once, the battle was over. A squishing sound filled every recess of Yume's head as he lost consciousness. There was a swerving sound in what now seemed to be a far distance and even further away a door like one on a car slammed shut. There was one final thought as his mind slipped away...

[I]...Fight....[/I]

[CENTER]***

Am I dead? No... what happened? And where am I?[/CENTER]

[RIGHT]Hey, hold on. I wrote this, right? This is the part of HEA I was trying to write.[/RIGHT]

[CENTER]Yume tried to sit up, but his body wouldn't move. The lace he laid wasn't very comfortable - a mat of a bed. He couldn't survey the surroundings, nor could he open his eyes. A darkness was all around him.[/CENTER]

[RIGHT]That part's different. I guess that means I might not wake up in a cell...[/RIGHT]

[CENTER]...[/CENTER]

[RIGHT]...Though I guess it couldn't be the same, 'cause I'd already know where I was...[/RIGHT]

[CENTER]...[/CENTER]

[RIGHT]Dammit, what the hell is going on?![/RIGHT]

I'll give you a hint. It's not sleep paralysis, you're not on drugs, and you aren't physically here.

[RIGHT]So it's a dream, then? A lucid dream perhaps?[/RIGHT]

You could say that. While you are aware of yourself, you don't have any control over anything else. Even if you know it's a dream, it's too realistic. I get the feeling you'll apply the rules your accustomed to subconsciously.

[RIGHT]But aren't I unconscious?[/RIGHT]

Hey, don't ask me. I only know as much as you do. You'd have reasoned it all out eventually. Were you to keep a level head, that is.

[RIGHT]Then who are you?[/RIGHT]

Very excellent question! I'm kind of like a personality you've developed. Seems going into a coma brought me out.

[RIGHT]I'm in a coma?![/RIGHT]

Well, I don't KNOW that we are. Just reasoning. I kind of don't know for a fact that I'm another personality anyway, I'm just basing this off of how it looks.

[RIGHT]How come you act like you know so much, then? Are you a concentrated form of my reason or something?[/RIGHT]

Oh, no, none of that. I've just been here all along. I'm the dream you. Ordinarily, when you dream, I am the version of yourself that interacts with the things in your unconscious mind. You and I would be the same person, so it makes no sense that we could be turned into separate people. I know that we must be, though, because I have memories of both your waking experiences and my own dream experiences. The only reasoning I can come to is that something happened to separate you into yourself and yourself as you would be in a dream.

[RIGHT]...I understand. If that's the case, though, then this isn't a dream, right? Because otherwise I shouldn't be here. [/RIGHT]

I'm going to ignore how confusing that sentence was, but actually, I believe that this is at least some kind of dream. It just isn't a normal one.

[RIGHT]...

What did you mean, saying that I would apply my own rules?[/RIGHT]

Well, because this is a dream, you have control over it in some way, though since you are also in the dream, a part of you will consider it a real experience. Based on how you've experienced things in life, your dream will conform to the rules you are accustomed to. Things like sight, smell, and other sensory actions will be incorporated, as well as gravity and a sense of mass. Basically, it will be like... living a dream.

As for me, I am not bound by the rules of consciousness. As a result, I will experience far more in this strange dream than you will. I'm afraid that we will be separated throughout many of the dreams we have here. There may be some, though, that feature both of us on the same plane of existence, ad we'll be able to meet up there.

[RIGHT]What are we to do here, anyway? Are we subject to these dreams until I wake up?[/RIGHT]

For now, we'll probably be carried by whatever comes our way. If we look, though, it's possible that there's a way out of the dream to re-emerge in the conscious world. I'll put my mind to it in the meant time. That's all I have for now. You're about to be sucked into an image.

[RIGHT]...wait, what? What do I do? Oh crap!!![/RIGHT]

[CENTER]***[/CENTER]

All at once, Yume was atop a building, overlooking a quiet city. There was no wind - no humidity. Just the calm air of two hundred feet above ground. A surreal feeling was instantly overtaking, and Yume nearly gasped in the beauty of the moment. The sun had only just climaxed in it's descent, falling behind the hills and trees that made up the boundary of Yume's sight. While he took in the atmosphere, he also noticed something in the grip of his right hand. It was something large and mildly heavy. He turned his head to examine it.

His grip was on a smooth metal shaft. A pole almost the length of his body with a blade affixed to the top that stretched outward from the shaft by several feet. The blade was dark black and glimmered with the setting sun. As Yume examined it he also took note of his own clothing. A long-sleeved white gown... he even felt a wind around his ankles...

Yume quickly realized that not only was 'he' not a 'he' anymore, but 'he' wasn't even human! From deep within the bowels of his soul a voice he didn't even recognize cried out.

[B]"Oh my god!!!"[/B][/COLOR]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]Finally, I've been waiting for another DB story for ages. And I really like what you got so far. And by the way he looks, and what he's holding, he must be a shinigami now, right?

Anyways, you gave us a good story. Well, I liked it anyways.[/COLOR]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[quote name='Premonition'][COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]Finally, I've been waiting for another DB story for ages. And I really like what you got so far. And by the way he looks, and what he's holding, he must be a shinigami now, right?

Anyways, you gave us a good story. Well, I liked it anyways.[/COLOR][/QUOTE]

[COLOR="DarkOrange"]Right. As I said in another thread, I plan to incorporate a lot of my own unfinished stories into the story. As well as new stuff. And weirdness. I chose Shinigami DREAM first for a reason though... will see later ;P[/COLOR]

[SunfallE]

[COLOR="goldenrod"][FONT="Comic Sans MS"]First of all, I'd recommend pestering Allamorph since he could do a far better job of questioning the format, spelling, grammar, etc. With that in mind I'll stick with the actual content since I'm not too good at doing the other.

The actual story is interesting and starts off at a good point, where he's struggling to write a story and failing. The point where you semi lost me is when he leaves to go get something to drink, I'm assuming that he went back, but you didn't really clarify it that well, it took me a moment to realize that he was back at the computer.

The other point that is a bit off, is the conversation with himself after he's unconscious or dead. You've used left and right alignments for it, but it still sort of blends together a bit. I'd try keeping one voice in regular text and putting the other, perhaps the main character in italics. Even though conversation clearly indicates a separation, a visual one as well would be helpful.

Other than that I think you've got the story off to a good start. [/FONT][/COLOR]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR="DarkOrange"]^^;; Even I find myself a little confused by the conversation with himself, so I agree I shouuld probably go back and try to work the conversation better at some point. I'm glad you like the beginning - I've always had a really hard time with beginnings, but I was particularly proud of this one. It's one of the first times I've managed to show struggle without sounding whiney.[/COLOR]

[Rachmaninoff]

Well I'm not going to repeat what SunfallE said since I agree, but I did want to point out how I like that the story seems to have more than one direction. At first glance it seems to be a story of a human who dies and realizes that he had become a Shinigami after death. And yet at the same time I find myself wondering if that is not the case. But rather it is the Shinigami who has been inhabited by either the soul of a human they sent on their way, or the memories of one, resulting in the separation and thus the confusion as to why there are two within one mind. The question being is it the mind of the human that is seperated or the Shinigami's mind that has merged with the humans mind and thus created chaos?

Though I could be reading too much into it. Still I am curious as to where you intend to go with it. Just as I'm curious as to what really happened.

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR="Indigo"][CENTER][B]Chapter Two[/B]: God In An Alcove[/CENTER]

[U]Shinigami DREAM[/U] was the story's title. It was to detail the events of a god of death occurring in a certain town. The story was inspired by another novel that I had been a fan of, and i felt too much like I was ripping off the original concept, so I never ended up writing it.

[B]"But I never thought I'd end up LIVING it!!!"[/B] Yume frantically examined himself, taking in the fact that he'd been somehow transformed. Even though his thoughts still sounded life himself, his voice had taken on a new high pitch. His body had shrunk both in height and weight - his clothes had become a white gown and his hair dyed to same ghostly color. Truly, he'd been turned into a girl.

[I]...And the scythe... a girl god of death?
[/I]
[B]"So what do I do?"[/B] Yume changed her grip on the scythe and gave it a swing. It seemed strangely light, and she found that her skill was amazing. It felt as if the scythe had not merely moved through the air but cut it clear in half.

[B][I]"Sugoi..."[/I][/B] With a swift movement she careened the scythe in a semicircle around her body, twirled it over her hand, and slashed horizontally through the air. As the blade neared the ground, she twisted her body in a twirling motion, swinging the scythe around her back and into another horizontal cut.

As the scythe came to a stop, Yume noticed the bounce in her shirt as she moved. A splash of pink illuminated her pale cheeks. [I]"Does it make me a pervert if I look at myself?"[/I] Just as Yume was contemplating the wisdom of opening one's shirt while on the roof of a building, a song suddenly pierced the air.

[I][CENTER]~~Beyond~the~anthills~of~the~dawning~of~this~plague~~[/CENTER][/I]

[B]"Eh? My ring-tone? My cell phone!"[/B] Quickly grabbing for his pocket, Yume produced a little blue phone and snapped it open. [B]"Y~ello?"[/B]

[B]"2:40, downtown, alleyway between a liquor store and a convenient stop on Greenday Road. 17 year old female Adia Lyn."[/B] Click.

[I]What the hell was that?[/I] Yume wondered. [I]Secret meeting? No, wait, in Shinigami DREAM, the death god's received information about those about to die via cellphone! This must be a mission!
[/I]
Yume looked over the side of the building. [B]"I could probably fly there..." [/B]

[I][CENTER]Based on how you've experienced things in life, your dream will conform to the rules you are accustomed to.[/CENTER][/I]

[B]"...On second thought, I think I'll take the elevator..." [/B]

[CENTER]***[/CENTER]

[U]2:40 AM, Greenday Road, Downtown[/U]

[B]"Is that you?" [/B]A small, scared voice echoes over the brick walls of the dark back alley. Sight is barely permitted - even the street lights have no influence on this piece of space. The clouds obstruct the stars, and the moon is new. Further along, the eyes cannot penetrate the darkness, so the girl stays on the fringe of the death-like black. She's heard an approaching series of footsteps in the darkness and called to it. It replies.

[B]"I'm glad you came. I have what you desire."[/B] A deeper, male voice responds. His body is not yet revealed - the girl still quivers lightly at the unknown.

At twenty feet above, a young girl in white stands on the side of a building, looking down into the alley. She wonders what is going to happen.

[B]"Give me the money first,"[/B] The male voice beckons.

[B]"O-okay..."[/B] The girl has never done this before. She is too trusting. Slowly she retrieves the wallet from her purse and opens it to look through. The very moment the money is visible, a hand suddenly lunges from the darkness.

[B]"Ah!"[/B] The hand grabs onto the girl's wrist and yanks her into the darkness. [B]"AAAAAHHH!!!!"[/B] The girl's horrified shrieks are cut short with a cracking sound as a fist crosses with her jaw.

[B]"No!"[/B] The girl above speaks to herself. She becomes tense. She can't stand by and watch. She springs into action and jumps from the roof of the building. As her feet hit the ground, she realizes that her eyes can easily pierce the darkness. She is lucky - the man has only so far torn the girl's shirt and hit her in the face. The shinigami materializes.

[B]"Get away from her!"[/B] The girl in white yells. In retrospect, her voice has no ability to be menacing, but it is not the time for nitpicking.

[B]"The hell?"[/B] The man turns to see what is at least a disturbing sight. A young girl coming from nowhere in such peculiar clothes, and with that weapon. He is prepared to make a dash past the girl and away, but he doesn't get the chance.

In one swift motion, the shinigami arcs her blade in a ferocious crescent, and the blade slides cleanly into the man's chest. With his heart destroyed and blood pouring from his chest, he falls to the ground.

For a moment, Yume stands still and breathes heavily, in awe of what she's done - or rather, how it is possible.



[B]"Having fun?" [/B]Yume nearly jumped from his skin as a voice suddenly cut the tension with it's arrival. She turned around to see another person in all white. It was a boy, looking to be in his early teens. He had a pretty face and wavy hair. The boy also carried a black scythe, though his was longer than Yume's. [B]"You know you killed the wrong person just now, right? Doesn't sound like something you would've written."[/B] Yume turned his eyes away.

[B]"What's going to happen now?"[/B]

The boy laughed slightly, [B]"Well, according to the rules of this particular dream, I am supposed to kill you now." [/B]Yume looked up at the boy.

[B]"B-but you're not going to right? Cause you know it's a dream? So you'll just let me go, right?!" [/B]The boy smiled.

[B]"Well... I think it's fun to play along."[/B] And before Yume could even comprehend what happened, the boy's scythe whipped through the air and Yume only heard a thump as his consciousness disappeared once more.

[CENTER]***[/CENTER]

[B]"Uh...huh?" [/B]Bright sunlight filtered into Yume's eyes as they slowly opened.The scent and soft breeze of summer danced on her skin. As she looked around, she found herself to be surrounded by a field of high grass. She sat atop a massive stump that must have once been the base of a mighty tree. The air was vibrant with the sound of life - the chirps of birds and rustle of grass.

Yume looked down at her own body. The body of a young woman wearing a ragged robe. She was shoeless and her hands and feet bore cuts all over, but the cool breeze felt great against her skin. Her light brown hair stretched to her legs.

[B]"What a beautiful day..." [/B]she whispered to herself. Just then a whistle became audible in the distance. It seemed to be coming her way. [B]Who could it be? A friend of mine? Maybe I was to meet someone here?[/B] The whistling was right on top of her before she knew it. A pair of hands appeared to part the grass into the clearing. The whistling came to a stop.[/COLOR]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]it were gewd! [spoiler] Inside joke btw[/spoiler][/COLOR]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]I think you are naming each chapter after a song, I just get that vibe. Now, I can't go and close in on mistakes, [B]Allamorph [/B]does that best. But I ddidn't see any in particular. However, I'm dying to know who this boy is. Guide for Yume, rival of yume's, pervert wanting Yume, :huh:?

Ahem, anyways, I'm wating for the next chapter, and I am loving what you have so far. I'm actually reading this story, all other stories I look at and go 'yup', without reading it. And I think I can spot a certain [I]'DB smell' [/I]in it. If you weren't a member and you posted this, I'm sure I'd know it was you. It just feels like something you'd make[/COLOR].

[2010DigitalBoy]

[quote name='Premonition'][COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]it were gewd! [spoiler] Inside joke btw[/spoiler][/COLOR]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]I think you are naming each chapter after a song, I just get that vibe. Now, I can't go and close in on mistakes, [B]Allamorph [/B]does that best. But I ddidn't see any in particular. However, I'm dying to know who this boy is. Guide for Yume, rival of yume's, pervert wanting Yume, :huh:?

Ahem, anyways, I'm wating for the next chapter, and I am loving what you have so far. I'm actually reading this story, all other stories I look at and go 'yup', without reading it. And I think I can spot a certain [I]'DB smell' [/I]in it. If you weren't a member and you posted this, I'm sure I'd know it was you. It just feels like something you'd make[/COLOR].[/QUOTE]

[COLOR="DarkOrange"][B]'God In An Alcove' [/B]is a song by the band [B]Bauhaus [/B]that I always try to use as a chapter title, lol. It's funny, because with this particular story I've been writing the chapter titles after finishing the chapter, which is the opposite of what I usually do. After writing it I realised that I had literally put a god in an alcove and though 'oh hell yes!'

[B]'Digging the Dredge Deeper' [/B]is not a song title, but it is based on a band called [B]Dredg[/B]. The Dredg song [B]'Same ol' Road' [/B]is quoted in the chapter.

[quote name='Me'] "Here we go... down that same ol' road again..."[/quote]

The album with that song on it is a concept album about people with sleep paralysis, hence this quote as well

[quote name='Me']I'll give you a hint. It's not sleep paralysis, you're not on drugs, and you aren't physically here.[/quote]

And of course, the ringtone is a more obcious line taken from the song [B]Cicatriz ESP [/B]by[B] the Mars Volta[/B]. Yes, the same song that the computer from the [B]Panopticon [/B]was named after.

[quote name='Me']~~Beyond~the~anthills~of~the~dawning~of~this~plagu e~~[/quote][/COLOR]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]So, let's see some more DB! Don't deprive us of reading.[/COLOR]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[quote name='Premonition'][COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]So, let's see some more DB! Don't deprive us of reading.[/COLOR][/QUOTE]

[COLOR="DarkOrange"]Ah, someone finally replied! Well, let me explain what happened.

You see, I had already written a good amount of the next chapter, and it was absolutely fantastic. Then a power outtage delete dthe whole thing since the mac has no damn failsafe for notepad documents. I was furious, naturally.

I hate writing the same thing twice, so I want to do something totally differen, but I don't even remotely feel inspired about this story anymore. As you can see, I even removed it from my sig. I'll compenste with something different, don't worry.[/COLOR]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]That's the DB I know! Well, looking forward to your next story.[/COLOR]

[Horendithas]

[COLOR="Indigo"][quote name='2007DigitalBoy'][COLOR="DarkOrange"]Ah, someone finally replied! Well, let me explain what happened.

You see, I had already written a good amount of the next chapter, and it was absolutely fantastic. Then a power outtage delete dthe whole thing since the mac has no damn failsafe for notepad documents. I was furious, naturally.

I hate writing the same thing twice, so I want to do something totally differen, but I don't even remotely feel inspired about this story anymore. As you can see, I even removed it from my sig. I'll compenste with something different, don't worry.[/COLOR][/QUOTE]I wondered why you had not written more. Even if I have not commented I have been reading it. Pity about the power outage bit. That's where having a laptop like I do comes in handy. Nothing like a battery to keep you from losing everything you're working on when the power goes out. Trust me, it's saved me from going insane when I'm working on lengthy assignements for school.

Anyway, hopefully you'll feel inspired again. I'll be sure to read it when that happens. [/COLOR]