Share Some Good Jokes

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]I'm bored as usual. So why not have a good laugh or two. So why not give us your favorite jokes, quips and one-liners?

A man went into the bank and asked the cashier to check his balance. So she pushed him over.

A devout Catholic had 15 children by her first husband and 9 by her second husband. Not surprisingly, she died realatively young. At her funeral the priest gazed tenderly at her coffin, looked up to teh heavens and said, [B]"At last they're finally together."[/B]
A man standing next to him asked: [B]"Excuse me Father, do you mean her and her first husband or her and her second husband?"[/B]
[B]"No!"[/B] the priest replied [B]"I mean her legs!"[/B]

What did Delaware? Her New Jersey.

And one of my favorite jokes: Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.[/COLOR]

[Gavin]

[SIZE="1"]A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The barman looks at him for a few seconds with a confused look on his face before finally say "[B]Derek I swear there's something different about you today.[/B]" A moment later the duck responds "[B]Jerry, you wouldn't believe me if I told you.[/B]"

Got this one in an email a last year. Title is "[b]Understanding Women[/b]"

A man walking along a California beach was deep in thought and prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud: "[B]Lord, grant me one wish.[/B]" Suddenly the sky clouded over above his head, and in a booming voice the Lord said "[B]Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish[/B]";

The man thought and said "[B]Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want[/B]" The Lord said "[B]Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.[/B]"

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said "[B]Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy.[/B]" After a few minutes God said "[B]You want two or four lanes on that bridge?[/B]" [/SIZE]

[quote name='Premonition'][COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]And one of my favorite jokes: Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.[/COLOR][/QUOTE]

[SIZE="1"]That is the funniest thing I've read in ages.[/SIZE]

[Lethargy]

[quote name='Premonition][COLOR=DarkSlateGray'] And one of my favorite jokes: Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.[/COLOR][/quote]

[SIZE=1][COLOR=DarkGreen]That reminds me of a little, old folk ditty:

[B]Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on his mother
Every time he hit a bump, he had another brother[/B]

Yep... nothing's funnier than good ol' fashioned incest.[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[Flagg]

Well these are just a few things I've read online that I thought were pretty funny I don't know if you would really call them jokes.
[B]
[SIZE="1"] I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.[/SIZE]
[SIZE="1"]
Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.."
and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."[/SIZE]

[SIZE="1"] #1 pickup line of all time: "Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?[/SIZE]

[SIZE="1"] : Best suicide plan ever
: what is it?
: you go up to the top of a roof
: string piano wire tight across the front edge at neck level
: tie a cord to your foot and the other end to the building so that you'll be above sidewalk level when its fully stretched
: then you put super glue on your hands
: and put your arms around the front of the wire and then back to touch your head
: then you lean forward, so the piano wire cuts your neck but not your elbows
: when the cord goes taut, youll be hanging upside down with no head....except your head will be in your outstretched arms thanks to gravity and the glue, staring at someone upside down and spewing blood everywhere.
: And some poor bastard will be traumatized for LIFE.
: i dont think i can be your friend anymore[/SIZE]

[SIZE="1"] <@Terror> "It's easy to forget what a sin is in the middle of a battlefield."
<@cky> opposite over hypotenuse
<@cky> dipshit[/SIZE]

[SIZE="1"] so, at this college there was an extra credit question "Is hell endothermic or exothermic"
this is what one kid wrote:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose (i.e.,Hell is exothermic).
Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over (i.e.,Hell is endothermic).
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given by Ms.Therese Banyan during my freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in hell before I go out with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having a relationship with her, the second case cannot be true. Therefore, hell is exothermic.
the kid was the only one who got credit[/SIZE]

[SIZE="1"] you know what's ALWAYS bothered me? cold cereal mascots
I mean that is just some ********D UP S**T
the Trix rabbit, for example
I dunno man... if I were him I'd be f***ing KILLING some kids
I remember a commercial where the f***in rabbit WENT INTO A F***IN STORE AND BOUGHT A BOX OF TRIX WITH HIS OWN F***IN MONEY.
f***in kids came outta NOWHERE and basically f***in mug the poor stupid b**ch rabbit
"silly rabbit Trix are for kids"
F***in rabbit just sits there and looks depressed.
F**K NO that wouldn't fly with me
I'd have pimp-slapped EVERY ONE OF those f***in b**ches
and made them go get me the REST of a "complete breakfast" and eat Trix right in front of them b**ches and THEN beat the s**t out of them some more.
and wtf is with the disguises? All the dumb rabbit does is hide his ears and all of a sudden he's a f***in kid?
I dunno about you, but if I SAW a 6 foot f***in RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap, I wouldn't immediately think
"Hey, there's a cool lookin human kid, let me go over and share some of my cereal with him"
NO.
I'd be thinking
"that's a 6 foot f***in RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap... what the F**K was I just smoking?"
another thing... wtf is up with cereal being "A part of this complete breakfast"
last time -I- checked, cereal WAS breakfast
they show a big a** bowl of frosted flakes next to a waffle, a pancake, toast, a banana, a f***in grapefruit... who the F**K eats a breakfast that big
not me
I don't even EAT breakfast nomore
I mean, I eat when I get up
but the whole thought "BREAKFAST IS ONLY SERVED UNTIL SUCH AND SUCH TIME"
b**ch, you make my f***ing sausage and egg sandwich when I pay you the f***ing money
don't give me that s**t.
Back to stupid cereal mascots...
Lucky Charms.
F***ING LUCKY CHARMS
Lucky can turn the f***ing MOON into a marshmallow, and he can't escape a bunch of f***ing 6 year olds?!?!?
C'mon now, Lucky.
I KNOW your b**ch a** has got to have a "Blow the f***ing kids up" spell SOMEWHERE
or make "kid marshamllows" and EAT those b**ches.
"They're after me Lucky Charms!"
....
KILL THEM, B**CH!
I dunno why I went off on this rant here
it's just always bothered me."[/SIZE][/B]

[Allamorph]

[QUOTE=Flagg][SIZE="1"][B] Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.."
and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."[/B][/SIZE][/QUOTE]
[FONT=Arial]That line is made of pure Yes.

[B]Q:[/B] What's black, white and red, and can't get through a door?

[B]A:[/B] A nun with a spear through her head.[/FONT]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[quote name='Flagg'][SIZE="1"] <@Terror> "It's easy to forget what a sin is in the middle of a battlefield."
<@cky> opposite over hypotenuse
<@cky> dipshit[/SIZE][/QUOTE]

[COLOR=darkorange]All of the ones you provided were good, but that's the first one all thread to make me lol.

Here's one I heard from a joke thread somewhere else that actually wast too dirty to ever be repeated ^^;;[/COLOR]
________________________________________________________________

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, " Pierre , kiss me!!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre ?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot!! When I have red meat, I have red wine!!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, " Pierre , kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.

" Pierre !! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot!! When I have white meat, I have white wine!!"

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, " Pierre , kiss me much lower!!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE F**K DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot!! If I go down, I go down in flames!!"
__________________________________________________________________

[COLOR="DarkOrange"]This one's reeeeeaaalllly long but really good...[/COLOR]

__________________________________________________________________

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked the boy, "What is your problem?"

The boy answers, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third grade too!"

The Teacher had enough. She took the boy to the principal's office.
While the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.

The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy : "36."


And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think
the boy can go to the third grade."

The teacher said to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" Both the principal and the boy agreed.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy (after a moment): "Legs."

Teacher : "What is in your pants that I do not have?"

Boy: "Pockets."

Teacher : "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy: "Coconut."

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could
stop the answer, the boy was taking charge.

Boy: "Bubblegum."

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down, and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes opened
really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy: "Shake hands."

Teacher: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Boy: :Yep."

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do."

Boy: "Tent."

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense.

Boy: "Wedding Ring."

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good."

Boy: "Nose."

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy: "Arrow."

Teacher: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot
of heat and excitement?"

Boy: "Firetruck."

Teacher: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you don't
get it you have to use your hand?"

Boy: "Fork "

Teacher: "What is it that all men have, one of it's longer on some
men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his
wife after they're married?

Boy: "SURNAME."

Teacher: "What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots
of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?"

Boy: "HEART."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send this Boy to College, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself!"
__________________________________________________________________

[Warmside]

[COLOR="SlateGray"]This joke has been told a million times in a million ways, but I still like it anyway.

A nine-year old boy, Keith Richards, Hillary Clinton, George Bush Jr., and the Pope are on a plane. Everything is fine, until one of the plane's engines suddenly catches fire - the pilots grab two parachutes and bail.

Frantically, the other passengers discover that there are only 3other parachutes on the plane!

Grabbing one, Keith Richards shouts, [B]"The world still needs the power of rock n' roll!" [/B] and bails.

Hillary Clinton says, [B]"If I die now, the Republicans might win again!"[/B], grabs a parachute and bails.

[B]"I'm Superman!"[/B] says George Bush Jr., grabbing a parachute and, arms a-flappin', jumping out the side of the plane.

[B]"Come over to the Dark Side, my Son... er, I mean, I have led a long and fulfilling life, my son, you take the parachute."[/b] Says the Pope.

[B]"Don't worry, mister! We can both parachute to safety - that last idiot grabbed my schoolbag!"[/B]

*zing*[/COLOR]

[Flagg]

lol that last one was really good from 2007DigitalBoy[COLOR="goldenrod"][INDENT][SIZE="1"][B]Flagg[/B], something like that is better suited to pm's. Unless you're adding a joke yourself, comments like this are considered off topic spam. So next time include a joke or two of your own. ^_~ SunfallE[/SIZE][/INDENT][/COLOR]

Oh sry about that I guess I have no choice but to add a few more then?

[B] the "bishop" came to our church today
he was a ****en impostor
never once moved diagonally[/B]

[B] 67% of girls are stupid
i belong with the other 13%[/B]

[B]< robT> Name ONE thing that your windows comp can do that my MAC cant
< bawss> Right click.[/B]

[B]Mike3285: wtf is a palindrome
MaroonSand: no its not dude[/B]

[B] God i really cant stand windows me
heh i know. i moved to win2k
* Felacio sucks huge c**k
errr ME, not /me[/B]

[B]random girl: hey!
me: ...hi?
me: who is this?
random girl: Jessica, I saw u on myspace
random girl: ur hot
me: thanks
random girl: np
me: this girl keeps bugging me, but I don't want to talk to her
me: what should I do?
random girl: make up sum excuse, like ur mom is kickin u off or sumthing
me: oh alright
me: I have to go
me: my mom is kicking me off
me: bye[/B]

[Goodbye, Face]

[font=arial][size=1]My fist is feeling a little nervous. It has a date with your face and it wants to make a good impression.[/font][/size]

[Nerdsy]

[quote name='Allamorph'][FONT=Arial]That line is made of pure Yes.

[B]Q:[/B] What's black, white and red, and can't get through a door?

[B]A:[/B] A nun with a spear through her head.[/FONT][/QUOTE]

[color=deeppink]Q: What's black, white, and red all over?
A: A blind nun reading a cheese grater.

(The only problem with that one is getting people to not shout "a newspaper lol!" at me.)

Q: Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
A: Because she's a woman![/color]

[Lethargy]

[quote=Nerdsy][COLOR=deeppink] Q: Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
A: Because she's a woman![/COLOR][/quote]

[SIZE=1][COLOR=DarkGreen]Oh! Helen Keller jokes!

Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
A: [spoiler]They left the plunger in the toilet![/spoiler]

Q: What did Helen Keller name her dog?
A: [spoiler]"UUUNNNGGGRRTTTHHHHFF!!!"[/spoiler][/COLOR][/SIZE]

[Delta]

[COLOR=#35425e][FONT="Palatino Linotype"]^ Well ah do believe it's time for Michael J. Fox jokes (don't get me wrong; I love him to pieces):

When you meet Michael J. Fox, you don't have to shake his hand.
Because of Parkinsons.

Michael J. Fox can only make martinis for James Bond.
Because of Parkinson's.

Michael J. Fox no longer has use for the blender in his home.
Because of Parkinson's.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Allamorph]

[quote name='Lethargy][SIZE=1][COLOR=DarkGreen]Oh! Helen Keller jokes![/COLOR'][/SIZE][/quote]
[quote name='Sirius][COLOR=#35425e][FONT="Palatino Linotype"]^ Well ah do believe it's time for Michael J. Fox jokes[/FONT'][/COLOR][/quote]
[FONT=Arial]As long as we don't start with Chuck Norris. 'Cause we already know he can divide by zero and he counted to infinity twice.


A man walks into a bar.

Ouch.[/FONT]

[OMNOMNOMALY]

[quote name='Lethargy'][SIZE=1][COLOR=DarkGreen]Oh! Helen Keller jokes!

Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
A: [spoiler]They left the plunger in the toilet![/spoiler]

Q: What did Helen Keller name her dog?
A: [spoiler]"UUUNNNGGGRRTTTHHHHFF!!!"[/spoiler][/COLOR][/SIZE][/QUOTE]

[FONT="Georgia"]Q: Did you know Helen Keller had a treehouse?

A: [spoiler]Neither did she.[/spoiler][/FONT]

[Lethargy]

[SIZE=1][COLOR=DarkGreen]If Helen Keller fell down in the woods, would she make a sound?[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[quote name='Allamorph'][FONT=Arial]As long as we don't start with Chuck Norris. 'Cause we already know he can divide by zero and he counted to infinity twice.[/FONT][/QUOTE]

[COLOR="DarkOrange"]But did you know he lost his virginity before his father did?!

...I'm done.[/COLOR]

[Allamorph]

[quote name='2007DigitalBoy][COLOR="DarkOrange"']But did you know he lost his virginity before his father did?![/COLOR][/quote]
[FONT=Arial]Yes, actually. I think it was around the time he took a trip to the Virgin Isles.

They are now just The Isles.

Funny story, actually: I was just playing a blank tape at full blast yesterday. The mime next door went nuts.

(How low can I go.)[/FONT]

[Gavin]

[SIZE="1"]You brought up Chuck Norris Allamorph, now live with the consequences.

[list][*][FONT="Verdana"][SIZE="1"]Chuck Norris doesn?t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[*][FONT="Verdana"][SIZE="1"]Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[*][FONT="Verdana"][SIZE="1"]Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[*][FONT="Verdana"][SIZE="1"]Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter[/SIZE][/FONT][/list]

More will come.[/SIZE]

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[color=#9933ff][font=lucida calligraphy]I have a lot of blonde jokes

q: How does a blonde turn on the light in the morning
a: Opens the car door.

q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
a: So men can understand them too.

Three blondes

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing

before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter

the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.


The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have

a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."


St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.


The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus'

birth and exchange gifts."


St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.


The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter

said, "So, tell me."


She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with

the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover

feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and

the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and

eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a

very large boulder .


St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."


Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away

the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have

six more weeks of basketball."


St. Peter fainted.

Finally an Irish joke:

q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
a: Fifty-one. One to hold the lightbulb and fifter to get drunk enough to make the room spin.[/color][/font]

[Allamorph]

[QUOTE=ChibiHorsewoman][color=#9933ff][font=lucida calligraphy]Finally an Irish joke:

q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
a: Fifty-one. One to hold the lightbulb and fifter to get drunk enough to make the room spin.[/color][/font][/QUOTE]
[FONT=Arial]I've been searching for these light-bulb jokes for three days, and finally found them under my fridge.[/FONT] o_O

[FONT=Arial][B]Q:[/B] How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
[INDENT][B]A:[/B] Ten: one to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.[/INDENT]
[B]Q:[/B] How many Neo-Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
[INDENT][B]A:[/B] No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.[/INDENT]
[B]Q:[/B] How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
[INDENT][B]A:[/B] None. God has predestined when the light bulb will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. The simply read the instructions and pray that the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.[/INDENT]
[B]Q:[/B] How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
[INDENT][B]A:[/B] One. But for the message of Light to continue, send in your donation today![/INDENT]
[B]Q:[/B] How many Independent Fundamentalists...?
[INDENT][B]A:[/B] Only one; any more might result in too much cooperation.[/INDENT]
[B]Q:[/B] How many Liberals...?
[INDENT][B]A:[/B] At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Of course, even if they can agree upon the existence of the bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.[/INDENT]
[B]Q:[/B] How many Catholics...?
[INDENT][B]A:[/B] None. They use candles.[/INDENT]
[B]Q:[/B] How many guitar-playing worship leaders...?
[INDENT][B]A:[/B] Only one. But soon all those around can warm up in its glowing.[/INDENT]
[B]Q:[/B] How many members of an established Bible-teaching church that is over twenty years old...?
[INDENT][B]A:[/B] Thirteen: one to change the bulb and twelve to gripe about how much better the old one was.[/INDENT]
[B]Q:[/B] How many United Methodists...?
[INDENT][B]A:[/B] No one knows that either, but the following statement was issued on the subject:

[I]"We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, tinted, and energy-saving ? all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."[/I][/INDENT]
[B]Q:[/B] How many youth pastors...?
[INDENT][B]A:[/B] Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.
(Personal experience verifies that remark. :animesigh)[/INDENT]



And finally,
[B]Q:[/B] How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
[INDENT][B]A:[/B] [U]One[/U] [U]hundred[/U] [U]and[/U] [U]thirty[/U]-[U]four[/U]. [I]*deep breath*[/I]

Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report the bulb to the twelve on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the fifteen on the Trustee board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee Executive of five, who place it on the agenda of the eighteen-member Finance Committee. If the FC approves, they bring a motion to the twenty-seven-member Church Board, who appoint another twelve-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the congregational business meeting (Special Called, if necessary). If their report to the congregational business meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and if the congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed back to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoints a seven-member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware has the best buy must then be reviewed by the twenty-three members of the Ethics Committee, to ensure that this hardware store has no connections to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board, who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the janitor to ask him to make the change.

By then, the janitor has discovered that one more bulb has burned out.[/INDENT][/FONT]

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[color=#9933ff][font=lucida calligraphy]I didn't want to do this! My hand was forced!

Lightbulb Jokes of the Zodiac

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How many Aries does it take to change a lightbulb?
They changed it already.



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How many Taurians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Taurus gets bulbs that don't need changing.



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How many Gemini does it take to change a lightbulb?
At least two to take out the old bulb, two to shop for a new one, two to write a book about it and two more to discuss it on a talk show.



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How many Cancers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Their mom's change it for them. Anyway, they'd light a candle if they have to.



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How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Their domestic service professionals will change it.



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How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Usually just one. However, they will need to clean the sockets, read comparative consumer information about light bulbs, check the wiring and read all the warranties, gaurantees and refund policies.



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How many Libras does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well, at least two to shop for the bulb, and a couple more to look for accessories, and maybe a couple more to return the bulb if it didn't work and do lunch.



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How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Scorpio light bulb isn't changed. It's transformed. You just push a button and activate the next life. Why do you ask? Are you a member of a law enforcement agency?



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How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Sagittarians don't change lightbulbs, but they can teach you how to do it, for a fat fee.



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How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb?
Their secretaries will get back to you.



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How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Aquarians don't have to change lightbulbs. They can invent better ones.



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How many Pisces does it take to change a lightbulb?
O dear God, I don't know. O that's it, the bulb will change itself, if it is God's will. [/color][/font]

[Lethargy]

[SIZE=1][COLOR=DarkGreen]Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
A: [spoiler]Christopher Walken.[/spoiler][/COLOR][/SIZE]

[Tetra of sound]

I heard when Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the Earth DOWN.

I also heard Chuck Norris, under his beard, there is just another fist.

Link cannot talk because he received a roundhouse kick to the throat by an unidentified 45-year-old man.

Chuck Norris was in the original MegaMan, until testers realized he made the game unbeatable.

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][B]Funny Newspaper Headlines:[/B]

[LIST]
[*]Police Begin Campaign to Run Over Jaywalkers
[*]Man is Fatilly Slain [spoiler]No duh[/spoiler]
[*]Blind Women gets Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen in years
[*]Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
[*]Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
[*]Panda Mating Fails - Veternarian Takes Over
[*]Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
[*]Bulge in Torusers was Ecstacy [spoiler]Drugs found in a man's pocket[/spoiler]
[*]Man Struck by Lighting faces Battery Charges
[*]Woman's Movement Called More Broad-based
[*]Red Tape Holds up new Bridge [spoiler]Must be Some Strong tape[/spoiler]
[*]Eraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax [spoiler]Farmer was holding an ax[/spoiler]
[*]Stolen Painting Found by Tree
[*]Kids Make Nutricious Snacks
[*]Jouvinille Court to Try Shooting Defendant [spoiler]Isn't this a little harsh?[/spoiler]
[*]Antique Stripper to Display Warees in Store [spoiler]I don't want to see some old chicks boobs[/spoiler]
[*]Police Discover Crack in Australia [spoiler]Talk about seperated peoples[/spoiler]
[*]British nUion Finds Dwarves in Short Supply [spoiler]Rudundant much?[/spoiler]
[*]Milk Drinkes Turn to Powder [spoiler]O_o[/spoiler]
[*]New Vaccine May Contain Rabbies
[*]Killer Sentenced to Die Second Time [spoiler]Once wasn't enough?[/spoiler]
[*]Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax
[/LIST]

-The spoilers were just my comentary.
***

[B]Name Jokes:[/B]

[LIST]
[*]What do you call a woman with as toothpick in her Head? - [B]Olive[/B]
[*]What do you call twomen outside your window? - [B]Kurt & Rod[/B]
[*]What do you call a woman wiht one leg longer than the other? - [B]Eileen[/B], what if she was Chinese? - Eireen
[/LIST][/COLOR]

[Gavin]

[SIZE="1"]Got this one in an email yesterday from my cousin. How I laughed.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "[b]Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?[/B]"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "[B]Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.[/B]"

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "[B]Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?[/B]" The mother replied, "[B]Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university.[/B]"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, [B]"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?[/B]" The girl replied, "[B]Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?[/B]"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "[B]Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?[/B]" "[B]Of course,[/B]" the brother replied. "[B]Do you know how much a million could buy?[/B]"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "[B]Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?[/B]"

The boy replied, "[B]Yes, sir. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But, realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer.[/B]" [/SIZE]