Oh, the insanity

[Justin]

You know, maybe it's not such a big deal to more regular Otakus, but I'm having a mid(or late) board-life crisis after reading my article in this Otakupedia Charles has manged to fashion.

It highlights primarily two major happenings in the first half of my membership here:

Firstly, it highlights how I spent neary that entire first half, and certainly the only part of my board-time that ever mattered, under the guise of a much older, much indulged version of myself.

For some two years, I'd say, I literally created a new person for myself. An avatar, if you will, that I assumed the role of, and the responsibility of the developement of every day when I signed on my now retired AOL account.

I could become so engrossed in it that still, to this day, I could probably just as easily become that character again. A character who would now be 23. I concocted stories about this man's daily exploits, his childhood, his philosophies about life, love, and politics (and it was in these three areas where my own 14-year-old mentality often slipped through).

I became a new person, and judging by the reaction to my confession that this person was not myself, I fooled a good number of people rather well. Why should they have believed any differently than what I, their friend, told them?

Why'd I do it? Charles writes that who could blame a young, dumb kid for loving the idea of oline anonimoity. To a certain extent that is true. I suppose in a way, it's totally true. But I didn't join this place as a super cool 17-year-old with a big truck and a house to himself. I joined it as a nerdy 14-year-old DBZ/Star Wars fan. Something sparked the thought in me that I'd be better off seen as who I wanted people to see.

This brings me to the second great occurance in my time here: That spark, it had a name. It's name was Jenna Winter.

To say I was obsessed with her would be ridiculous. I've never been one for obsession. I was intrigued, and I new she'd be much more likely to talk to someone her age openly. I think I was right, for I often witnessed (and supsequently feigned) a certain wall of disinterest with many (though, not all) that were not possessed of our 'mutual' numeric value.

That openess became falsely mutual. She greatly befriended someone who did not exist. And in a way, through this character, I befriended her. It wouldn't be until age's honesty set in that I realized she had really become something akin to a 'bestfriend'; such as that could be.

Then, my religious awakening. It would be also ridiculous to say that this was an overnight change. I had actually been converted for a couple months before I 'came out', as it were. The idea that people I had come to care about couldn't possibly care about me because they didn't know I really existed tormented me.

By people, I mostly mean Jenna. We could dive into make believe together. I was, in some fashions, advanced somewhat beyond my age. And she was blessedly able to cling to creative passions and a certain innocent charm many older people would probably consider childish. But I found it all to be just what I needed, and so we related well. That is, she and 'Justin' related well.

But the time to kill 'Justin' came. I knew it, and weird as it sounds to a mind grown accumstomed now to the warmth of 'real' friends, I cared too much about her to let her go on thinking I was someone I was not. So out I came.

The worst part about it, and the part which probably sealed the lid on my taste for living fantasies was her reaction. It was belated. Much belate compared to the more immediate reactions from others in the Staff Lounge. They all, for the most part, expressed their shock but overwhelming support in light in my honesty. Honesty...hah.

She also expressed these feelings. But she said the following, "I actually lost sleep over this last night."

By that time, I think I was in or around the age of fifteen. And that, the fact that I had caused her to slip into a trust that she suddenly realized was ridiculous, broke something small in me.

I've lost a lot of friends in my 20 years. Many very close, to time, location, death, and life. She was a lot of things to me; Sethi, BabyGirl, Jen, Jenna, Crimson Goddess, more than I can likely recall. And I will always remember her.

-Justin

[AzureWolf]

[COLOR=maroon]So you are gay and religious? What's the big deal? Did Jenna like you? Sounded like you were just friends. Was she too religious or something?[/COLOR]

[Korey]

Wow, that's some deep stuff my friend. It seems like you had a complex that demanded you to act more mature than you were or to make yourself seem older than you were to match your seemingly advanced intellect at the time. My question to you is....if you are more mature than most kids your age at that time, then why fake it? Nothing good comes out of faking one's age and the fact that you've seen this and went through this experience and came out a better person signifies that you know what you've done and have learned a lesson from it.

Eeesh I hope no one writes an Otakupedia article about me.... T_T

[Goodbye, Face]

[quote name='AzureWolf'][COLOR=maroon]So you are gay and religious? What's the big deal? Did Jenna like you? Sounded like you were just friends. Was she too religious or something?[/COLOR][/QUOTE]

[font=arial][size=1]He didn't mean "came out" in the gay sense, but in the "revealing the truth" sense. I'd tell you the big thing you missed, but really you should just re-read it.

Kam, I remember you as Justin. Actually, all I really remember was your temper. I must've left before you revealed yourself, but when I saw you as Kam a year and a half ago, I couldn't connect the two, even though I saw "Justin" in your previous usernames. Crazy.

I don't really know what to say, but I'm glad you posted this. It's good to get that out, sometimes.[/font][/size]

[AzureWolf]

[quote name='Goodbye, Face'][font=arial][size=1]He didn't mean "came out" in the gay sense, but in the "revealing the truth" sense. I'd tell you the big thing you missed, but really you should just re-read it.[/font][/size][/QUOTE][COLOR=maroon]Well, I frankly just have trouble believing it's the age thing. That's like, so immature and overly dramatic to count as a "confession."

Not trying to be rude, just saying it's no big deal.[/COLOR]

[Shy]

[quote name='AzureWolf'][COLOR=maroon]Well, I frankly just have trouble believing it's the age thing. That's like, so immature and overly dramatic to count as a "confession."

Not trying to be rude, just saying it's no big deal.[/COLOR][/QUOTE][size=1]I dunno, having been around at the time I remember that Justin's 'confession' was pretty shocking at the time. And a lot of what he says is true, even on an internet message board people tend to make certain judgements about a person based on their age, location, whatever.

According to Otakupedia we're coming up to almost five years to the day of your 'confession' Kam, so I think the time for you to feel any guilt over what has happened has long since passed. I've always considered you a great member and a friend, so let us move on.

Jenna's departure from OB had nothing to do with you, so I wouldn't bother feeling any guilt over that, either.

-Shy[/size]

[AzureWolf]

[quote name='Shy'][size=1]I dunno, having been around at the time I remember that Justin's 'confession' was pretty shocking at the time. And a lot of what he says is true, even on an internet message board people tend to make certain judgements about a person based on their age, location, whatever[/size][/QUOTE][COLOR=maroon]Yeah, I guess discrimination online happened back then, I wouldn't know, I wasn't around.

Sorry for the ignorance[/COLOR]

[Shy]

[quote name='AzureWolf'][COLOR=maroon]Yeah, I guess discrimination online happened back then, I wouldn't know, I wasn't around.

Sorry for the ignorance[/COLOR][/QUOTE][size=1]Well I'm not saying it was some big epidemic, but it's definitely something that does happen (even subconciously) to this day. I've never felt the need to pretend to be a different age online, but I didn't "come out" on OB until years after I had joined. There are countless other examples, I'm sure, but the anonymity of the internet is both a comforting and terrifying thing once you start to develop some real personal relationships online.

-Shy[/size]

[Justin]

It's not really a guilt thing. Just a shocking realization of how weird a kid can be. If I step back and look at it as though it were someone else, it's laughable. But to now that that was indeed [i]my[/i] own actions is a bit stranger.

I guess it's not really something anyone else could understand, having not been sitting in that dingy old table chair, in that dirty denroom, in that quiet house, and in my own cloudy 14-year-old mind.

I have no guilt for it, really. It's just an odd journey life takes us on. That all-important religious turn has now turned back again. It's all just kind of coming back to me as I near the seven year mark (I think it's actaully been four years since I told the staff).

I think I should post an actual picture of the real me. If for nothing else than for Charles to put alongside "Justin the Hottie."

-Justin

[James]

[color=#606060]Ah, the mysteries of an online community.

That I don't remember the details of this "coming out" probably speaks volumes about my attitude toward it - not that it was significant/insigificant, but that I don't personally place much stock in these things. By that I mean...I tend to take it for granted that many people - especially teenagers (but sometimes older people as well) - are always, in some way, creating a "version" of themselves online.

I mean with me it's pretty much a case of what you see is what you get (although I'm sure people imagine me to be very dry in real life at times, when I probably don't sound anything like the way I type in person). But I recognize - and have always accepted - that online anonymity kind of gives a person some free license to be themselves...even if that means being something they aren't "in real life".

So I guess I'm used to these revelations in some way. I know it's different if it's someone who is closer to you...but in general I tend to start with the presumption that things are not necessarily always what they seem (and not necessarily in a negative sense).[/color]

[joshdude89]

[quote name='Kam']
To say I was obsessed with her would be ridiculous. I've never been one for obsession. I was intrigued, and I new she'd be much more likely to talk to someone her age openly.
-Justin[/QUOTE]
Now for something more lighthearted: You mispelled knew.

But in all seriousness, how are we to know who we are really talking to. Its just a risk of the internet.

[pooperson]

[quote name='joshdude89']Now for something more lighthearted: You mispelled knew.
[/QUOTE]

[SIZE="1"][COLOR="DeepSkyBlue"]Even more lighthearted: You misspelled "misspelled".[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[The13thMan]

[quote name='taperson'][SIZE="1"][COLOR="DeepSkyBlue"]Even more lighthearted: You misspelled "misspelled".[/COLOR][/SIZE][/QUOTE]
[COLOR=DarkOrange][FONT=Century Gothic]
And even more lighthearted you misspelled "u."

Wow, i never knew this stuff happened. How wild... It's a bit silly and unfortunate, in my opinion. Instead of looking at why you did it i think it's better to examine why you felt the need to do it. It's a shame that people can't be judged purely as individuals. Even i judge based on age, i don't play with people under the age of 16 on WOW or Halo 2. I just don't like their company most of the time and if you're under that age mark then you have less of a chance of getting along with me. There are exceptions of course. I get along fantastically well with my younger brother, he's hilarious for his age. I don't think you should feel bad, and i'm pretty sure you said you didn't. It's just the pressures of society, lord knows we all fall to it. Not always a bad thing of course, but at times it is.

I think ideally you shouldn't have lied to her. Thinking of how i'd feel if i got close to somebody and then find out that he/she's not nearly the age i thought he/she was. It would be quite difficult to handle, i think. Ah, but i'd eventually get over it and hopefully resume the friendship. That is after all what i would value, not the age of my close friend.

Welp, thar's my two cents.

Later.
[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Desbreko]

[color=#4B0082]I was around when it happened as well. I remember being surprised but it wasn't a big deal to me. As I remember it, most people in the staff forum thread basically went, "Oh, okay," and then things carried on as they had before. It was nowhere near the biggest bout of drama to hit the staff forum at any rate.

I can understand the desire to create a separate online persona, though. It's basically the same thing as acting differently around certain people in real life, just easier to keep up due to the nature of the internet. And I think we all do that to some extent.

I certainly made a conscious effort to act more mature than my age called for when I was younger, both offline and on. I still remember a specific time when I was about ten years old, watching two of my older brothers?who were then teenagers?fighting and causing trouble for my parents, and thinking, "I'm not going to be like that." And I wasn't, but it definitely didn't come naturally.[/color]

[Panache]

Wow some people take these boards as really serious business. I just come here and like to talk I don't really build any relationships like that. Sure I have friends (more accurately had friends I was on a yearlong hiatus do to the fact that this place kept pissing me off...)but that's all.

[Justin]

Ah, I don't think many people are getting this. It's not a guilt thing. That was far too long ago and I was far too young to feel guilty now.

It's more of an observative thing. An expose', if you will, on my mind at fourteen. Done moreso for my own benefit than anyone else's.

Chalk one up to misinterpretation.

-Justin