Writing Raw Aggression: play script (would love feedback)

[Metalcore501]

Ok so I'm working on a play and as the script developes ill post them here to get some feedback. This is my first time at a script so yeah here is the first scene.


Scene 1

(Curtains raise and lights fade in on two people Sir. Raymond and Von, as they have a conversation inside Von’s parlor)

Sir. Raymond (calmly aggravated) What wretched mark lays upon my body.

Von (cutting in) Speak not of the wretched mark upon your breast, it makes you no longer a mere man, but a god!

Raymond (slams his fist on the table) I have heard such myths from the tales of old, but why would thy commit such a horrible act towards man.(stands up and grabs Von by the collar of his shirt, Raymond‘s fingernails begin to change lets him go and gasps) What manners of magic be this.

Von (eyes widen in terror) Still your heart fair knight! For I shall return to you precious humanity. (Slowly pulls out a dagger of silver, hiding it from Raymond)

Raymond (Takes a few deep breaths, and sees the dagger, and with a quick motion grabs it from Von)

von (calmly fickle) Fair knight, would you so slay a brethren of such a race. I shall not call you by name, but by that of my brother for we are one in the same. As being a brother would you fell me.
(Raymond drops the blade and turns his back toVon, von picks it up)

Von The coward shall have the last laugh (stabs Raymond)

Raymond ( eyes wide and teeth showing(tears the blade out of his chest and pushes into Von and jumps on him.) But the coward laughs not tonight.

(In the distance the voices of the mob can be heard saying “kill the wolf” “He must die!” “The town!”. Raymond looks back at the front door and growls, looks at von and quickly runs out the door [Raymond exits stage right mob comes in right after])

Leader (looks around, and in an angry loud tone he speaks. as one of the mob members tends to the dead Von) The devils beast has struck again! (looks at von) This time an innocent man... (points to the open back door) We shall follow the scent of the foul beast , search and cut down everything in sight.!
(Mob rushes past the leader, as he goes last the light fades out and the curtains go down)

Leon (sits up from his bed breathing heavily) Wh- what the hell was all that....

End Scene

oh sorry heres the cast-

MAIN
Leon-
Sara-
Jason-
Stan-
Sir. Raymond

SUPPORTING
Principal Stuart-
Mrs. Pandel-
Mayor Harvey
Von


BIT PARTS
secretary
Rachel
Jeremy
Mob of 9 people